TripTank (2014) Episode Scripts

N/A - Buck Wild

[man reading bottle] - Hello, doctor's office.
- Uh, hey, Doc.
It's been about five hours now.
- Mm-hmm.
- And still going strong, baby! Oh, yeah! [laughing] Oh, yeah! - Ohhhh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
[intense electronic music] [phone ringing] - Hello, this is TripTank.
- Yes, hello, I walked in on my son watching your television show with his pants around his ankles.
- Okay.
- My son was sitting there, dressing up his [bleep] like a hot fudge sundae.
If I'm honest, that's not the worst thing he could have been doing.
He had two scoops of ice cream on his lap, chocolate and caramel sauce, whipped cream.
I don't even want to tell you about the banana.
Please don't tell me about the banana.
- It was right there next to his penis.
- Oh, boy.
Here's the topper.
A cherry, right on the tip! [upbeat electronic music] 2x18 - Buck Wild [steady beeping] [device beeping] No, that can't be.
Huh? Steve, I've been waiting for you.
- How how do you know my name? - I've been watching you.
Do not be afraid.
Let me please you.
- I yearn to touch another.
- Oh.
Oh, wait-wait-wait-wait.
[tapping helmet] It's not safe for me.
I'll protect you.
You can breathe in here.
It's safe.
- Oh, okay.
- What the hell are you doing?! Gary? Jesus, you scared me.
You remove that helmet, and you're a dead man.
I wasn't Look, I need this, okay? - Can you just give us a minute? - Us?! Steve, there's no one here.
You're cracking up, man! It's space fever.
It's got you seeing things.
- But but - Hey, listen to me.
You're hallucinating.
Your blood pressure's off the [bleep] charts.
Another minute of this, and I'll be sending you - back to base in a box.
- But but she yearned for me.
Come on.
Let's get you back to the pod.
I'm putting you on lockdown until this passes and we get you stable.
Yeah, okay, that's probably a good idea.
[sighs] What? Huh? That son of a bitch.
I knew she was real! Gary, you dirty bastard.
I saw her first! [lock rattling] No! [pounding] Yeah, we're in rhythm now.
Yeah, yeah, that's us.
Oh, oh, that's us.
[grunting] [slurps] [loopy horn music] All right, gentlemen, let's get your hands out of your pockets and put some greenery on that scenery.
Welcome to the main stage the very beautiful Cinnamon.
[bluesy music plays] - Yawn.
I've seen better.
- Come on, babe.
Put some gasoline in that dancing machine.
[creaking] - Oh, talk about two left feet.
- Like she has hooves.
- Hey, watch it.
- You actually have hooves, and you dance a hell of a lot better than that.
Oh, what am I watching here? You know, this is just making me sad.
This is the striptease, [music] the highest of the terpsichorean art forms, the dance of goddesses.
The striptease should be sensual and arousing.
This looks like the dance you do when somebody tells you your aunt died.
- You guys know I can hear you, right? - Oh, yeah? Well, congratulations.
If only you could hear the music, 'cause then maybe you'd realize - you are nowhere near the beat, sister.
- You think this is so easy? - Why don't you get up here and try it? - Oh, God, now you've done it.
Let a pro show you how this is done.
[upbeat music starts] One, two, three, and bump.
That's where you bump the hip.
- Can you hear that, Paprika? - It's Cinnamon.
Oh, no, you got to earn the right to be called Cinnamon on my stage, sweetheart.
Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to get down off the stage now.
You know, not every situation calls for violence, you Neanderthal.
Don't make a maniac out of me! Let him go, Gary.
He's kind of helping.
You're damn right I'm helping.
Now, shake that ass.
[smack, cheering] See, now we got 'em paying attention.
Come on, shake it, shake it.
There we go.
Thanks, scumbag.
But don't forget to show some financial love to my girl Cinnamon here.
That's right, I called you Cinnamon.
[slap] You've earned it.
A quarter?! How about I put a quarter of my foot up your ass?! You cheap bastard.
[heavy thud] Oh, you want a piece of chicken, huh? Feeling like a tough guy? [patrons screaming] Get your goddamn feet off my stage.
Ahh! Hey there, big boy.
[smack] - The first thing you need to do is - Oh, my God, Steve.
You'll never believe it, man, not in a million years.
- Hold, please.
What is it, Roy? - Buck LaFontaine is coming in - to direct a "TripTank" sketch today.
- What?! Buck LaFontaine? He's my favorite "TripTank" director of all time.
- I grew up watching his sketches.
- Yeah, me too, man.
He directed all the classics.
[as a robot] "Robot Vagina-tron.
" And the one with that chef that can't stop farting.
Hell, yeah, man, "Bon Appé-toots.
" [laughs] Hey, do you remember "Sammy the Nut-Hungry Squirrel"? Do I remember? "Lick my nuts.
" Both: Lick my nuts! Lick my nuts! Lick my nuts! - Ooh, ooh, quiet, here comes Ashley.
- Guys, did you hear?! Buck LaFontaine is coming into the office today! Lick my nuts.
All: Lick my nuts! Lick my nuts! And, sir, you should know, - I'm a guy that always gives 100%.
- Impressive.
But we're looking for someone who says they give 110%.
Well, but if 100% is the maximum possible effort, I mean, what does that extra 10% even mean? - It sounds better.
- Uh, "it does sound better.
" - Okay.
I'm a guy that always gives 110% - No, no, no, no, no.
You already said you're one of those 100% guys.
Okay, well, I wasn't gonna offer this straight out of the gate, but I'll give you 120%.
120? Ha.
That's ridiculous.
It's not even possible.
All right, what if I gave you, say a 112%? Hmm, 112.
100 and 12%.
Welcome aboard! [laughs] Ever since I was a boy, I wanted four wives.
[sweeping harp music] [smooching] [snorts] [crowd cheering] Ooh! [chuckling] You minx.
[laughs] Careful girls, save some for me.
[women moaning] I'm about to jump on the never-ending bang train.
Pelvic thrust times four.
[upbeat music] Is that a hair oh, oh, no.
[gagging] [laughing mildly] For charity.
No, Veronica, you don't look fat.
No, Tammy, your nose doesn't look too big.
No, Sarah, your boobs aren't too small.
Oh you.
[corny sitcom laughter] Ugh-ugh, next.
Ugh-ugh, next.
Ugh-ugh, next.
Ugh-ugh [crunch] Ow! What's in there? [canned laughter] Okay, who hasn't [bleep] yet? Huh? [buzzer sounds] Meh.
[intense electronica] Buck LaFontaine hasn't directed "TripTank" in 20 years.
- Why is he coming out of retirement now? - It's for charity, man.
All the money raised from the sketch go to fund a local orphanage or some bullshit.
Oh, that's great! Wait a minute, money raised? How does that even work? Seems like the only thing being raised around here are the stakes.
Right this way, Mr.
LaFontaine.
[laughs] Whoo, this brings me back, yeah.
Last time I was in this building, I made Lou Diamond Philips wear a diaper and eat about a dozen live goldfish.
[cackles] Philips.
He's talking about "Goo-Goo Ga Ga Goldfish Gulper"! Oh, that's my favorite sketch.
Back then, we only used this lobby for smoking opium and shooting bottle rockets out of our butt cracks.
[laughs] Yeah, a lot of people got burned.
Both: Oh, my God, Buck LaFontaine! Can you idiots keep it down? Buck is trying to work in here.
Both: [softly] Buck LaFontaine.
[weeping] [squirrel chittering] But I haven't got a dress.
[sobbing] [cooing sadly] [chittering] [uplifting orchestral music] Oh.
[knock at door] Oh, dear, the prince has arrived.
I'm here to escort you to the ball, Cinderell Aah! [groaning] Um, are your step-sisters home? A-Any one of them.
You know the one with the wart on her nose? Does she have any plans tonight? [energetic music] ["tropical" music] - Yeah, the usual.
- You got it, Johnny.
Blue Hawaii, two umbrellas, coming right up.
- Whoa, who is that? - Johnny Bahama.
He's the chillest dude from Key West to Kokomo, man.
Nobody's more beach than Johnny Bahama nobody.
What about him? He seems pretty beach too.
Better saddle up, brother.
It's gonna be a beach-off.
Hey, Sandy, rum and Pineapple Hang-Ten.
Three umbrellas.
[record scratch] Well, well, well, Daytona Jack.
Been a while.
Aloha.
Yeah, I was down in Aruba.
Spent a week on the beach.
- I love the beach.
- I just spent a month in Puerto Rico.
That beach, I really love.
Well, Aruba was kind of my pre-vacation.
In August, I'm going to Cancun for six years.
Mahalo.
You know, I was born on the beach at Cancun.
It was two-for-one margaritas at Senor Snail's, and my mom wouldn't leave the wet T-shirt contest - to go to the hospital.
- Margaritas.
That reminds me of the first time I met Jimmy Buffett.
You know what he told me, man? "Life's a beach.
" He's a wise man.
I went boogie-boarding with him in Panama City one time.
He gave me his flip-flop.
[inhales deeply] Yeah, well, I have Frankie Avalon's actual foot.
You think you're more beach than me, brah? Hey, man, if the aqua sock fits Sandy, scratch that Hang-Ten.
Give me an empty coconut shell full of drink umbrellas.
[munching] Oh, you think that's beach? Sandy, give me a sand castle bucket full of tanning oil.
[gulping] Ahh! Oh, you want to talk about tanning? [grunting] Ah! I'm literally more tan where my shirt goes.
You want to talk about shirts? I wear a little, tiny Hawaiian shirt on my balls.
A-bam! Not bad, Johnny.
But there's one thing you should know.
[grunting] That's right.
I shit live hermit crabs.
[laughs] Dude, how? I am the beach! The [bleep] you say! No! Father, avenge me! [conch reverberating] I'm coming, Son! [people screaming] Hum-a-hum-a-nuk-a-nuk-a- op-a-wa-ha! [people screaming] Yeah, I guess that guy's pretty beach.
[laugh track] [upbeat music] Ooh, ha-ha-ha.
Uh-oh, now what did you do? [audience gasps] [women groaning] [bell dinging] [giggling hoarsely] Looks like I should have gotten off the bang train a few stops earlier.
Choo-choo! [sitcom laughter] Am I right, ladies? First dad joke.
Oh, my God, Steve, Steve Oh, my God, Steve, I just took me a whiz next to the master himself.
Oh, my God, that's amazing.
Did you get a look at it? No, but I saw its shadow.
- It looked like a Goddamn Brontosaurus.
- Whoa.
[laughing] Excuse me, Mr.
LaFontaine, I'm supposed to take your lunch order.
[chuckles] Let me tell you a story about lunch, kid.
So I'm in Thailand shooting a thing with Rebecca De Mornay.
Now, back then, if you wanted to smuggle something into southern Asia, it had to go, boop, right up your keister.
[thinking] And there I was, standing in front of Buck LaFontaine as he was telling me one of his legendary Hollywood stories.
I didn't know it then, but I could certainly say now, that that was the best day of my life.
Little did I know that those mariachis had replaced my parachute with a stack of King James Bibles.
Until I noticed that his fly was down.
And at that moment, I had to make a split-second decision, a decision that would alter the course of the rest of my life.
Four different types of mayonnaise, if you can believe it.
Excuse me, Mr.
LaFontaine.
I think you accidentally left you fly down.
Ha-ha.
That's no accident, son.
I had the zippers removed from every pair of pants I own.
Saves me at least a half an hour a day.
[laughing] Wow.
Damn, I never thought of that that's genius.
So can I get you anything from the food truck? Nothing for me, kid.
- I'm eating beaver for lunch.
- Hell, yeah! Well, I'm just thinking, i I go and get my cosmetology degree, then I can starting doing [music changes] Oh, that's my song! - Whoo! - Oh, yeah, that's my jam.
Let's make it rain up in here, you lonely bastards.
[loopy horn notes] [grunts] Uhh! Sir William of Barry.
Ha-ha, you old goat! What brings you to the Tower of Dragos? Same as you.
Gonna kill Dragos.
You know, bring peace to the realm.
How about you? How are your other quests? Pretty good.
I killed a warlock, and I [bleep]-ed a Chimera.
Look at you.
I sucked off a Kraken.
That is so awesome.
On three.
Both: One, two, three! Oh, you mother-[bleep].
- Oh, shit! - Hey, Dragos.
[dragon screeching] Ah, son of a bitch! - Sorry about that.
Had to do it.
- Hey, no worries, mate.
I kind of always knew I'd die by betrayal.
Well, the realm's safe.
I guess you can go on back to your family now.
- Nothing left to slay.
- Shit.
I mean yay.
My family.
[children screaming] - Father.
- Papa's home.
Daddy! [children clamoring] Is it true? You climbed into the butt of a warlock and you blew him up? Whoa-ho-ho-ho.
Those are just legends.
I've heard a lot of legends since you've been gone, Ian.
Mostly ones about you shagging horrible creatures and elves.
I never had sex with an elf during this quest.
Look, Sandra, baby, I know I haven't been around much, but the realm is safe now.
- We can start over.
- Really? [laughs] You're all of a sudden going to be a family man, be a father, a husband, without no creatures on the side? Provide for us, be here all day, every day? [singsong] I brought presents.
[children cheer] For Matilda, the wings of a harpy.
- Will they make me fly? - No, they're just dead, cut-off wings.
And for Connor and Jack, we've got goblin swords.
- Yay! Swords! - Yay! - Agh! It's in me! - My penis! Great, Ian! Real responsible! Give our children weapons, right?! Honestly, and what did you get me, huh? Another mouth to feed? A nudie picture of some owl-bear you're banging? Or the same thing you always get me STDs and side of nothing! Of course I got you something.
Don't play me like that.
Look, I've got you this? A gorgon head? What the hell am I gonna do with [gasps] Oh, don't look at don't look at that.
Whoa-oh, oopsies.
Don't look, I've got to put it back in the sack.
- Get it, Daddy, get - Don't look, don't look.
No.
No, what have I what have I done? [dramatic music] I'm just going on a quest to save my family! They were all turned to stone! I don't know how it happened.
[phone ringing] Hello, TripTank.
Hello, Steven.
This is the network calling.
Oh, what can I do for you? I just wanted you to know that everyone is delighted with the job you've all been doing, so no one needs to die.
Did you say "die"? "TripTank" is fun and funny.
Punishments and vivisections - are completely unnecessary for now.
- Oh, that's great? So just keep up the good work, Steve.
And try not to think about the terrible consequences that befall those who fail us.
[laughing hoarsely] - I mean, good-bye.
- Okay, bye-bye.
"Bye-bye"? Why the hell would I say bye-bye? Who says bye-bye? God, Steve, you're an idiot.
[banging, clattering] Hey, what's going on in there? Oh, my God, it's a total disaster.
Buck's lost his mind.
He's off the reservation.
He thought the camera was a coffeemaker, man.
He replaced the microphone with a live snake.
He's got the key grip doing the dolly grip's job.
- What?! That's crazy! - Guys, I don't know.
Maybe Buck's not the director he used to be.
Man, if this sketch isn't the best thing he's ever done, they're gonna shut down that orphanage.
[both gasp] Wait, what? Again, it just seems like that's just a dramatic kind of [crashing, screaming] Oh, that's bad.
[engine revving] [upbeat electronic music] You guys, I'm really nervous about this screening.
Remember, if this sketch isn't great, them poor orphans are out on their tits.
It's gonna be a dirty-ass crying shame.
Crying shame.
Can one of you please explain, step by step, how a "TripTank" sketch could in any way affect an orphanage? Let's roll it.
[film reel whirring] [dramatic music] Bring forth the condemned.
[crowd jeering] Grayclaw, before I hand down your sentence, I must go on record and say that the gruesome depictions of mutilation and cannibalism at these proceedings has turned my pyloric stomach inside out.
You're a monster! Yes, I'm a monster.
Monster you needed to snap out of your delusion called society.
The only crime we commit is this great lie called order.
Order's a slave to chaos, and I am its prophet.
Your laws are crimes.
You are all guilty! Enough.
Grayclaw, I hereby sentence you to death the execution to be carried out immediately.
This is why your kind will always burn, Grayclaw.
Laws are an agreement.
[all screaming] Who's talking? No.
Please ohhhhh! Whyyyy? [whispering] Sweet oblivion, here I come.
[laughing heartily] - I love it, I love it! - Beautiful! - Yeah! - Wonderful! Tour de force! Buck LaFontaine is back on top.
The orphanage is saved! - Now, where's my lunch? - I've got it, Buck.
The striptease should be sensual and arousing.
You're dancing like you got a piece of shit in your shoe or something.
The dance you're doing looks like like she just had foot surgery.
This looks like the dance you do with, you've got so fat ass, it looks like you pooped your pants.