TripTank (2014) Episode Scripts

N/A - Green Out

1 [organ music] [club music] Whoo! [laughter] [wind whistles] [gun cocks] [gasps] [gunfire] [gasps] [Leoncavallo's "Vesti La Guibba" plays] [dubstep music] [phone ringing] Hello, this is TripTank.
Hey, TripTank, I'm in A Bit Of A Pickle here.
You know, the artisan pickle shop a couple doors down from you guys? Oh, yeah.
Right, right, how's it going? So, I was looking at our security tapes from last night, and I saw one of your employees back into my car.
It looked like an accident at first, but then he pulled forward and backed into it again and again, and this went on for about half an hour.
Yeah, that checks out.
So you can see The Pickle I'm In here.
That's our sister store across the street from you guys.
You can probably see it from your desk.
Anyway, should I call the cops or can we settle this over the phone? No, no, no, let me transfer you to our insurance department.
I'll just let Ah! What the hell? Ah, it's just a brownout, man, or the apocalypse is on and it's time to saddle up on a dinosaur and ride into the sunset with Jesus.
Nope, just a brownout.
- The city grid must be overloaded.
- Damn it, I lost everything.
- My file is gone.
- File? What kind of files are you working on, phone jockey? What? No, nothing.
I don't know what I'm not working on anything.
Aw, man, no sweat, just call up the IT department.
They'll get that computer blinking again.
Naw, I don't wanna call those guys.
Every time they're around I feel like such a dork.
Yeah, they're pretty cool, aren't they? Oh, they're just the coolest.
Go ahead.
Welcome to America.
Say, Edmund, do you have a minute? Well, sure, Harold, what can I do for you? - Is everything okay? - Yes, everything's fine.
Why? Some of these name changes you've been performing on these people's passports have us a little worried.
- What do you mean? - Well, for instance, - that family that just came through.
- Who? The Sluttersons? They had some goofy Italian name, so I changed it to something easy.
Uh-huh, and what about the people before them? - The Whoreleys? - They had some crazy name before.
- It was Sanders.
- So? So it's been like this all day.
You've checked in the Trampleys, the Hussytons, the Strumplesteins, the Whoresmiths, the Whorevilles, and the Whorejohnsonwhores.
How's Susan doing, Edmund? She's fine.
Why do you bring it up? Just wondering, because I noticed you changed "Peterson" to "Cheaterson," "Anderson" to "Adulterson," and you changed that family's name from Smith to "You-cheating-bitch- I'll-never-love-again.
" Well, that can't be.
Oh, I've got a lot on my mind, Harold.
- I'll try not to let it happen again.
- Thanks.
Keep your head up.
Passport.
How do you pronounce this name? - It's "Love-is-bullshit.
" - Welcome to America! [dubstep music] I have any control over it.
It's Mother Nature.
Matt, you can't keep poppin' boners every time we go to the thrift store.
Whoo! This is some good-ass chili.
Holy shit! Guys, look! All: Gary.
- I just lost my appetite.
- What the hell's he doing spending money at a shopping mall? - In today's economic climate? - What an asshole! We have to expose Gary for the jerk he is, and I have just the prank.
Yeah, let's get this chili to go.
Whoa, imagine the old Gare-Bear sporting fresh duds like these.
Watch out, ladies.
Can I help you, stinky old person? Oh, no, I'm on a very tight budget.
By the way, do you have an irregulars section? Maybe clothing marked way, way down? Did you just stuff a shirt down your pants? What? No.
Security, we have a fat shoplifter here! [imitates wailing alarm] Is this the ugly sack of crap who tried to rob you, store employee? Yep, that's the porky turdball right there.
No, I didn't steal anything.
These lowlifes keep getting uglier and uglier.
Sir, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and empty the contents of your pockets into this bowl of chili.
Well, that sounds peculiar.
You have to do what we say, dummy.
We're mall security guards.
Okay, fine, fine, but I swear, I didn't take anything.
- Wallet, keys, cell phone - Oh, great, now my chili's ruined.
I think this fat man is drunk.
What? No, I'm nine months sober.
Sir, I'm gonna need you to go ahead - and take a mall sobriety test.
- Make him sing! Yeah, sing "She's A Grand Old Flag" but replace every third word with the word "fart.
" Uh, hold onuh [hums] Okay.
# You're a fart old flag # Fart a high farting flag - Louder! - # And forever in fart # - # May you fart # - March, fatty! Fart the emblem fart The land fart love The fart of the fart and the fart [cheers and applause] Wow, that was actually pretty good.
- Yeah, he kinda nailed it.
- Boo! Shoplifter! That's right, he's definitely hiding something in his pants.
Sir, I'm gonna need you to go ahead drop your drawers right here in the middle of the crowded shopping mall.
What? No, I can't do that.
Drop them britches, lardo! - Aah! - Oh, my God! Look at that! [laughter] Gary's wearing man-panties! What? Wait, how do you guys know my name? - Because it's us, you jerk! - Aah! Dana? Andy? What the heck is going on here? Just your classic "dress up like mall cops, accuse a guy of shoplifting, make him dance around like a buffoon till he drops his pants and the whole mall sees he's wearing a leopard print t-back thong" revenge prank! Suck it, Gary! Whoo! [laughter] What? It's a very comfortable cut.
Suck it, Gary.
Whoo! Huh, I always pictured Gary more of a boxer's guy.
In my dreams, he always goes commando.
[jazzy music] # Suck it Gary # And then when the power came back on, my file was just completely gone.
That's why you got to save that shit to the cloud, dog.
And always keep a hard copy at an off-site location.
[phone rings] I know, I know, the cloud.
- TripTank.
- You suck! - What? Dad? - How's it going, champ? I gotta be honest, Dad, not too great, - because you just said I suck.
- I was watching "TripTank" on TV, and I gotta call a spade a spade, buddy.
You're just not a compelling character.
You don't have an arc, kiddo.
Are you even thinking about season five? - No, I guess not.
- It shows, pal.
You suck! - You already said that, Dad.
- No, no, not you this time, Steve-o.
I'm watching my neighbor rebuild his deck.
You call that a dovetail, Troy? You suck! All right, gotta go, Dad.
I'll see you at Gram-Gram's tonight.
Damn, Steve, I've never seen so much peanut butter on a keyboard before.
Yeah, well, you don't want to look under his desk.
[dubstep music] - Is my computer okay? - Well, your file was corrupted, but I was able to go through your cache and recover something called "The Erotic Awakening of Lady Edith Crawley.
doc"? - Let's see if it'll open.
- No, no, no, you don't need to open it! - Yup, it opened.
- Okay, thanks, great.
- Okay, that's enough.
- "Her moist nipples quivered at the sight of Lord Steve's throbbing" Okay! Thank you so much, guys.
I really appreciate it.
Close the file now.
Damn, skippy, what the hell was that? Nothing, it's just [sighs] It's just some "Downton Abbey" erotic fan-fiction I've been working on.
That sounded like some really elegant prose, bro.
- You know, sensual style.
- Yeah, you both seem really cool.
You want to come down to the IT department and get stoned with us? - Um - Hell yeah! Do you, Jon, take Sally to love and hold through sickness and health for as long as you both shall live? - I do.
- And do you, Sally [laughs] I'm sorry, I'm just so happy, and, oh, now my mascara's running.
- I got it, I got it, I got it.
- No, Karen - Ah, oh.
- Karen! I'm getting up in there.
Oh! Ay, oh! [gasp] I don't even know what that is.
No, no, no, no, don't let go of each other's hands.
Keep the show going.
Oh, my God, Karen! What're you doing? - Aah! - Mom! Oh, my gosh! It must be the excitement of the moment, huh? Everybody, we need some water! Oh, wait a minute, you know what? I have a bottle! All: No! [cash register dings] - Hi.
- Well, hello, my name is Crina.
- I am loving sex.
Are you over 18s? - Um, yes.
Good, you are big dick tall man American cowboy.
Enter your credit card number and I'll make a sexy dance inside the Dell computer.
Actually I was hoping we could play "Sword Lords of Sorcery.
" I have all the books.
I just don't have any friends.
This is sex thing? Ten euro extra.
- No, it's not a sex thing.
- Five euro.
"Sword Lords of Sorcery" is a pen and paper role-playing game.
Where you're an adventurer exploring magical lands and battling ancient evil.
- The only limit is your imagination.
- 50 euro.
Done.
Now, the first thing we need to do is create your character.
What kind of adventurer would you like to be? - Cam girl.
- Cam girl isn't a character class.
- You have to pick something else.
- Mafia guy who run webcam site.
Hmm, okay, that kind of sounds like a thief.
And what is thy name, brave thief? - Boob.
- Eh, needs more of a fantasy angle.
- Elf Boob.
- Okay, Elf Boob.
You're standing in The Angry Wyvern, the seediest tavern in all of Xorth.
An old man with an eye patch sits in the corner.
He beckons you closer with the promise of adventure.
So, Elf Boob, what do you do? I do sexy dance for money.
Uh okay.
The other patrons look on and whoa, confusion and embarrassment! - No one pays you any money! - Fine, [bleep] them.
- I get them take a leave.
- Before you leave, the old man beckons you again.
"By the Gods, I know where a thief like you might earn a fair bit of coin, I do!" I show him top of butt and I say, "Give me credit card, old man, then you can see whole butt.
" "I am Melichor the Arcane, and I do not want to see your whole butt.
I wish to tell you of a hidden treasure.
" I give him finger and leave.
Uh-uh, the old man grabs your arm to stop you.
Old man touch me? Well then, I stab him in good eye with nail file.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Melichor's a super powerful druid.
Elf Boob not scared! I stab him in good eye with nail file! Fine, but I wouldn't count on What the [gasp] Critical hit for Jesus! 23 damage! You killed Melichor.
Mm.
I take old man's credit card.
He doesn't have a credit card! Melichor has seven copper pieces and a magical cloak of stealth! Okay, I keep money and throw cloak in garbage.
Come on! You're not doing it right! When you tell me of this game, what did you say is the only limit? [sigh] Your imagination.
Exactly, so, ask me again what Elf Boob do.
All right, what do you do? I use money to buy drug and lip gloss.
What? No! - This is a medieval fantasy world! - Just roll the dice! Oh! [coins clink] [medieval music] [dubstep music] Sorry for all the commotion, sir.
Can I offer you a complimentary glass of water? I know what this is.
You're not getting me again.
Aah! What'd you do that for, dick? - Matt, isn't that you? - Nope, I'm over here! Ha, ha, suck it, Gary! Whoo! [panting] Suck it, Gary! Whoo! Why would Gary pick on that poor employee? I don't know.
Maybe he married Gary's sister, and he's always annoying the shit out of him.
Yeah, or maybe he wait a minute, you're talking about me, aren't ya? [jazzy music] # Suck it, Gary # I can't get stoned today, Roy.
I'm going straight to my Gram-Gram's after work.
Look, man, don't blow this for me, I've been trying to puff tuff with Chris and Alex forever.
I will sweep the leg on your Gram-Gram - if it gets me through that door.
- I know.
I know.
- God, IT guys are always so cool! - Yeah, and for some strange reason they really like your weird jerk-off novel.
We got to cash in on that.
But my Gram-Gram, she can't see me baked.
Listen, listen, Steve.
They invited us here, we go in.
Besides, how much weed could they possible have in there anyway? [door squeaks] [angelic music] Holy shit! [dubstep music] - Who-whoo! That aws awesome.
- Textbook revenge.
You guys were against it, but I'm really glad I fished this chili out of the garbage.
Was anybody else surprised by Gary's teeny-weeny underpants? - Did not see that coming.
- I kind of did.
- Wh What the hell is this? - That's Gary's wallet.
He keeps that pressed right up against his bottom.
Gary made you put your mouth on his bottom? Gary made me kiss his bottom? - What a sicko! - Oh, I hate him! Prep your mouth, Gary, 'cause you're gonna start suckin' it soon, my friend, and you're gonna keep suckin' it for the rest of your life! All: Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! - Suck it! - Suck it, Gary! Whoo! [jazzy music] # Suck it, Gary # [dubstep music] [wailing] Hey, I got just the thing to help! I keep it in my purse for when my niece and nephew visit [both gasp] Aah! There we go.
- Here we go, little one.
- Oh, God, no thanks!.
There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
Babies cry all the time.
[squeals] And Auntie Karen saves the day! [cash register rings] [rock guitar riff] [sighs] - Aah! - Well, well, well.
[chuckles] And what have we here? You're riding the cotton dragon again? You dick.
Ha! What, man? It's under control.
It's all good.
Give me it.
- [laughs] Give it to me.
- 800 thread count? On your last binge you bought him down to 500, Anau.
How much is enough this time? - 1,000? 15 hundy? - What?! Dude, it's under control.
It's not exactly like last time.
It's like this time.
This time's different from last time.
It's not the same time.
[demonic voice] Give it back! [yells] Nooo! Oh, you gotta help me.
Dude, cold turkey is the only way to get the Devil's Duvet off your back.
Trust me on this.
[whimpers] Oh, and if it feels like bugs are crawling on your skin, don't sweat it.
That's just the withdrawal talking.
Unless they feel like bed bugs, those are bed bugs.
[howls] [vacuum whirrs] [hums] One, and, two, and three, push it.
[groans] Hold on a tick.
[knocks] Hey, little buddy, how we doing? Ah-ha-ha! Ya-ha-ha-ha-ha! [screams] Jesus Christ! [bleep] sake, dude.
It's it's bed sheets.
[alarm blares] Anau, come on, where are you? Show yourself, you little shit.
You're too late.
He's gone, man.
Your boy was loco, begged for my highest thread count, man.
He said he could handle it! [bleep]sucker! - What did you give him? - No bed, no bath, your boy, he wanted to go beyond.
- They're sublime.
- No, you idiot! The slightest touch and you will slip into the deep, slumber-y clutches of The Angel's Vagina.
10,000 thread count, woven from opium milkfed albino - What the [bleep], man? - I'm going in to my buddy's vagina.
I don't need this shit.
I'm going on break! [belches] [laughs] Oh, this is the tits! Anau, talk to me, little buddy.
I know you're in here.
Anau! Oh, a dream within a dream, like I haven't been here before.
Let's do this! [screams] [clouds giggle] This is all you've got, you Willa Wonka mother[bleep].
Anau! Wake up, we gotta get you out of here.
Karl! What?! Get out of my dreams! - Aah! - Whoa! Hey, let us outta here! [muffled and squeaky] You bastard! You son of a bitch! Let us out! [hums Mariachi music] [dubstep music] [triumphant music] Citizens of Eggmanland, I am better than all of you, and you love me for it! [cheers and applause] I come to you today with great news.
The future is bright.
The future is big.
The future's soft, warm, and cuddly.
There's nowhere else you wanna be but the future.
It's like resting in a valley between two majestic mountains.
[cheers and applause] You may ask, "Where is this great future, and how do I get there?" [cheering] I'll send you a postcard.
[club music] Gusto Gusto, Gusto rules [gun shot] Over here we have Cranberry Crack, Myrtle Beach Indica Non-dairy reamer OG, thick-dick OG, Hogan Family OG Sloppy Seconds, Kareem Abdul-Jakush Wow, you guys sure have a lot of marijuana down here.
Where do you keep all the servers and stuff? Oh, we had to get rid of that shit.
Whoa, man, there's a lot of hot juice running through this sucker.
How'd you get all these 220 lines in here? That sure as hell ain't code.
That's where we tapped directly into the city's power grid.
The sun shines all day down here, baby.
Oh, the brownouts from Act I.
Well, that checks out story wise, yeah.
- Now, let's blaze, mother[bleep].
- Oh, my God, what am I gonna do? - Gram-Gram - Come on, man, spark that shit up.
[phone ringing] Sorry, guys, I gotta take this.
This is probably really important.
Hello, TripTank, this is Steve.
Hi, Steve, people find my voice scary, so I've been working on toning it down a little.
- I want you to tell me how it sounds.
- Okay, shoot.
[clears throat] Is brunch at 11:00 or 11:30? Uh, that was still scary sounding.
Look at all the fluffy kitty cats.
That may that makes me pretty nervous.
- Cumberbund.
- Oh, my God.
May I borrow your Farmers' Almanac? I don't think it's working.
Can you try something different please? [gentler voice] I'm going to kill you, and make knife handles out of your bones.
Better? [dubstep music] [thunder booms] [ominous music] Oh, God, not again! Divorce me and leave me with that mutt? Oh.
Where is it? Where is it? [dramatic music] [phone rings] [thunder rumbles] Yes? My fee is non-negotiable.
[cocks gun] [music] [elevator dings] [engine revs] [tires squeal] [turn signal clicks] [tires squeal] [engine whirs] [tires squeal] Not on my list.
[tires squeal] [engine revs] Mint chip.
[chomps] [tires squeal] [dramatic music] He's right over there.
[gun cocks] [barks] What? [barks] You'll pay me double? [barks] [gasp] No, no, I'll pay triple! Deal.
[cocks gun] [gun shot] [dog whimpers] [heavy metal music] Dummy.
Dog's can't talk.
[inhales] "The memory of his turgid member burned brightly in her loins, like 1,000 throbbing Hot Pockets.
" Yo, read more of it, man.
Read more of it! "As Lady Edith mounted the white stallion, her blouse fell open and her tits looked" [inhales] - totally awesome.
" - That shit is beautiful, dude.
It's giving me, like, a real nice boner.
You guys really like it? That's so flattering.
Are you sure we can't get you anything, Steve-o? Fat nug? Cataract candy? - Some Temple 3 Ragga Dagga? - No, I'm good, thanks, though.
- That's cool, man.
- Oh, you know what, guys? We forgot to show you our newest creation! [angelic music] We call this shit the TripTank Sativa.
[both gasp] Both: Whoa! You can't get stoned.
You can't get stoned.
You can't you gotta go to Gram-Gram's.
You can't get stoned, Steve.
You can't get [bong bubbles] [blows] [all laughing] "Gram-Gram's.
" [bong bubbles] - Look, I know we're best friend brothers.
- Hell yeah, 20 episode BFB's.
But getting each others face-tatoo on our chests is the craziest thing we've ever done.
Damn right.
Be a shame not to share this masterpiece - with the world.
- One, two, three! Dammit Roy!