Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s01e06 Episode Script
Kimmy Goes to School
1 I'm so proud of you, Lil' Kim, going back to school like a little redheaded Rodney Dangerfield.
I can't wait.
There's so many things I don't know, like what that is or those or that.
Bus, pants, car, Kimmy.
Oh, right.
Bad examples.
I'm just so excited.
I'm gonna get my GED.
I wish I had done that.
I did not enjoy my high school experience.
Oh, I bet it was tough for you.
Hey, man, great game.
That end zone dance was sick.
Yes, I love sports.
You're gonna take my virginity tonight.
Okay.
Ugh.
That crown I got from being prom king was so tacky, I hardly even wear it anymore.
Well, this is it.
I feel like a butterfly bursting from its "crystalish" and falling from the nest.
Yeah, you need this education.
Titus.
Don't be embarrassed of your Titus.
What if the other uneducated adults see me? Fine.
I hope someday when you're a gay, black man, you have a Kimmy that treats you like this.
I love you.
Don't get lice.
Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
Damn it Hey, what do you need my camera for? Are you doing some kind of gotcha journalism, where you dress up in white face and see if people treat you different? 'Cause I could tell you one thing, I wouldn't be asking all these questions if a white guy asked to borrow my camera.
Lillian, I'm making a music video.
Oh, you should do We Didn't Start the Fire with updated lyrics.
Balloon boy and ObamaCare The 1% are billionaires I will be performing a wholly original song.
The idea came to me in a dream last afternoon.
- It's called Pinot Noir - Classy.
- An Ode to Black Penis.
- I assumed.
It needs to look fancy, so our first location will be the strip club with the columns out front.
Nero's Castle.
Got my costume changes, my cocoa butter, my rhyming dictionary.
- Let's get started.
- Rhyming dictionary? You haven't written the song yet? Lyrics are the least important part of any song, Lillian.
I've got a title, a beat, and an attitude.
As long as it rhymes, everything will be fines.
I was wrong to doubt you.
Hello.
I am Dong.
Hi Dong.
I'm Kimmy.
In Vietnam, "Kim-mi" means penis.
I I could've been on a boat at the boat store right now.
All right, what do I got this time? An ex-con, immigrant.
Thought this was the post office.
Et cetera.
This is GED prep.
Today's lesson, the 1989 Tom Berenger movie Major League.
I'm sorry.
We're just gonna watch a movie? No.
Thank you for asking.
You're also gonna have to monitor my breathing.
Hurricane Sandy took my sleep apnea machine, so, you know, waking up is not a given.
What are we supposed to learn from this? Shh, you make-a Dong miss a shot of Cleveland.
I'm ready, Lillian.
Call my phone.
Oh, yeah.
Action.
Pinot Noir, caviar Pinot Noir, Myanmar Pinot Noir, candy bar It went to voice mail.
Call it again.
No wonder no one's in there.
You're scaring away the creeps.
I'm trying to run a business here.
Madam, please.
This is the fanciest-looking place in the neighborhood, after the abandoned chandelier factory.
Let us shoot here, and I'll pay you 100 bugs.
Did you just say "bugs"? Run, Lillian! Aah! Oh, no! Excuse me, Teach? Are we just gonna watch a movie again tomorrow? Isn't tomorrow Saturday? - It's Tuesday.
- Damn it.
This is important to me.
I want to learn real stuff, like why the sky is blue or why tree clams are so delicious.
Sorry, on the east coast you call them "pistachios.
" Look, my teaching style may be unconventional, but I need to speak to the principal.
You can't.
He's dead Serious about education, so he went to a conference in Hartford.
Well, then can you help me? I want to transfer to another GED class.
Another? Honey, we just got the one, you know, budget cuts.
Oh.
Is that why the fall-dance theme is Gymnasium? Look, I'm not tattletale, but our teacher stinks like a week-old sea pistachio.
I'm sorry, "oyster.
" And if I'm gonna pass the GED, I need a real teacher, like in all those movies where a white lady sits backwards in a chair and raps Shakespeare, and the class is like, "That was Shakespeare? Poetry is dope!" Oh, boy, Lefkovitz is teaching GED? Between you, me, and a former student we think is living in the air ducts Lefkovitz is on very thin ice with the school district and the teachers union.
One more screw up, and he'll never teach again.
If you want to lodge a complaint Oh, no, no, no.
I don't want to get anyone in trouble.
I just want to get my high-school diploma.
Look, I shouldn't tell you this, but I could just sell you one.
I heard that, Deborah! Now who's not telling on whom? Damn it! Ronald! Oh, no.
You're getting the stick? I'm so scared.
Is that all you got? Pinot Noir, mid-sized car - Pinot Noir, tiki bar - Oh, Jesus, bats! Waah! The singing the singing woke up the bats.
I feel like we're not capturing the elegance we discussed in the production meeting.
Ah, how was school, dear? I don't know what to do.
My teacher doesn't want to teach, but I don't want to get him fired.
Also, this Vietnamese guy made fun of my name.
Right, "Kim-mi.
" What were your parents thinking? Teachers have it tough.
One of my Aunt Ernestine taught sixth grade.
After years of buying school supplies out her own pocket for future dropouts, she stopped caring.
She quit.
Wound up walking the streets selling drugs.
Hmm.
She's a pharmaceutical rep.
I phrased that so badly.
That's what happened to Mr.
L.
After working at a broke inner-city school all these years, he lost his love of teaching.
But what can you do about it, Kimmy? I'm gonna make him remember why he became a teacher in the first place.
Titus, can you do me a favor tomorrow? On Martin Luther King's birthday? I'm not falling for that a fourth time, Titus.
Can you go to Jacqueline's house for me? The staff has the week off while she's away, and I need to check on the place, get the mail, water the plants, make sure there's fresh flowers in the panic room.
Wait.
You mean that beautiful mansion with the staircase, the marble floors, the curtains that are intended to be curtains Those are coffin linings.
That place is empty? Kimmy, have you heard of the term "quid prom quote"? Mm-mm.
I will watch Jacqueline's house if Lillian and I can finish shooting my music video there.
No, Titus, I can't Please, I need the production value.
I need it, baby.
Fine.
Quid prong conch.
But make it quick, and don't touch anything.
Oh, they'll never even know we were there.
I sanded off my fingerprints years ago.
So this is Julian Voorhees' house.
Wall Street royalty.
Ha! You know what we need is another Titanic.
Thin the herd a little bit.
Let's get started.
Yeah, just a second.
I promised myself if I ever got in here, I would do to his toilets what he did to the American middle class.
Pinot Noir, shooting star Under par Teri Garr, Jamie Farr These are '70s TV stars Okay, this is the last shot, the opening of the video.
We see a tough, blue-collar worker.
Maybe he's a car fixer or something with ladders.
Then through the power of Pinot Noir, he's transformed into what the French call Ripped from the headlines.
Ah.
Here Oh, I'm out of here.
No! No, no, no, no, no! You have to help me.
I have to finish my video.
I love you, Titus, but this is a billionaire's house, and I got priors.
Lillian! Lillian, wait! Eight Ball, it's me.
If anyone asks, I've been with you all day.
"I am screwed.
My house is trashed from last night and parents are coming home.
Help me clean up!" "Can't.
Dylan said I could smoke with them at park if I showed my boobs.
" "My dad's gonna kill me" "Sorry, blushing face.
Thumbs up.
" "BTW, lollipop, snowman, toilet, mailbox, ghost.
" "Apple, woman's shoe, alarm clock, acorn.
" "So true.
" Come on, Spirit Gum.
If you can keep Obama's human mask on over his lizard face, hash tag lizard truth, surely you can do this.
Who the hell are you? I am a handyman hired by Jacqueline to fix this curtain rod with my tools from my tool sash.
Right.
That reminds me There's actually a few more things she wants you to fix today.
Well, that's what I do for my job.
Damn, girl! Damn, girl.
Hey, kid.
No gum.
Spit it out.
Hey, Mr.
L.
I was just thinking about our conversation earlier.
I know that being a teacher isn't easy, especially when you're trying to get through to kids who don't even want to be here.
Look, I could stand here all day and stare at the reflection of your can in the water fountain, but I'm kind of busy.
The kids leave all kinds of things behind when there's a fire drill, so But I do want to be here.
I want to learn.
I just need your help.
Sorry, Ginger.
Nothing I do is gonna make a difference.
Nothing I've ever done has made a difference.
You know, I thought you might say something like that.
I dug this up in the library, the P.
S.
Zero yearbook from 1994, your third year teaching here.
Yeah, and a great year to be a Montreal Expos fan.
It was also the year a graduating eighth-grader wrote this.
"Off to Winston Zeddemore High, all thanks to Mr.
Lefkovitz.
I'll never forget what you did.
" Didn't make a difference, huh? You touched a boy and made him a man.
And that man is here today.
Mike, come on out! Oh, crap.
Is that Mike Stampone? You got so big.
You son of a bitch.
You ruined my life! Wait! But the yearbook! Oh, yeah, good idea.
Thanks.
Please, Mr.
Stampone! Ow.
Ow.
Oh.
Titus I got to go back for him.
I said I'm going.
Look, not for nothing, but this was your step momâÂÂs party? Yeah, well, bitches be trippin'.
Hey, you respect your stepmom.
She step gave birth to you.
Oh, no, magic hour the time of day when actors photograph best, according to my queer cousin.
I'll be back.
You stay here.
Last shot.
Action, genius.
Pinot Noir What the WTF are you doing? I can explain.
You're in The Matrix.
Titus, I should never have left Oh, you're in The Matrix.
I already used The Matrix.
Yeah, I'm calling the police.
You trust those clowns.
Are you kidding me? You got rights in your own home.
Shoot us.
Okay, look, I'm not a handyman, although that was my nickname one summer on Fire Island.
We're friends with Kimmy.
She asked us to come here to Wait, wait.
Kimmy let you in? Yeah.
This is perfect.
She is so fired.
Fired? I wish I'd never seen that Pug.
Is that why you came back? That dog does not look like me, Lillian.
One time I had to wear a cone - because I kept biting my stitches.
- He was eating out of a pizza box.
Oh, my God.
When my dad finds out about this, it's bye-bye Little Dorkphan Annie.
Okay, first of all, that was weak.
Second of all, you mess with Kimmy, and your daddy will find out about you and your friends trashing his home last night.
You can't prove that.
Oh, really? Because I don't think Jacqueline and her friends drink cans of beer while wearing Slutsicle Orange lipstick from Ke$ha's Morning After Collection, available exclusively at Hess gas stations.
My dad cannot find out about this, please! He'll kill me.
Or marry me off to one of his Saudi friends.
That's some high stakes.
All right, I'll make you this deal.
We'll help you clean up your party.
You lay off Kimmy.
Okay.
Detente.
No, no, no, this is Titus.
DeTante moved back to Atlanta.
This was the only thing in the nurse's office.
Yeah, that's the nurse.
Budget cuts.
They've got a cardboard cutout of Michael Jordan teaching gym.
- Ugh.
- I'm sorry about Mike Stampone.
I thought you were his hero.
His yearbook page said he went to high school because of you.
Yeah, he went to the worst high school in New York City because of me.
He was actually accepted to Bronx Science.
I was his advisor.
I'm supposed to send this form so he could go there.
Anyway, I didn't.
I steamed the stamp off his envelope so that I could send a fan letter to Beverly D'Angelo.
Wait.
You've always been like this? A Fangelo? Yeah, ever since Vacation.
No! A teacher who doesn't care.
Oh, really? Really, Miss Whatever-Your-Name-Is? Would a teacher who doesn't care bring in Rising Sun for today's class? - That's Major League.
- Damn it! See, this is what happens when you pack your briefcase in the dark.
But the people who own the house don't know I'm living in the basement.
So life's full of little compromises.
I can't believe I tried to keep you from getting fired.
Fired? I can't get fired.
I've got tenure.
Well, Deborah in the office says one more S-C-R-E-W-up, and you'll never teach again.
Did she say that? What were her words exactly? This is fantastic! What is wrong with you? Why are you happy about that? Why? Because it brings me one step closer to this.
To this what? I forgot what you said earlier, 'cause it took so long to get up here.
You kept having to lie down in the stairwell, and then I had to get you juice.
You asked why I was happy.
And I said, "'cause it leads me one step closer.
" And then I said, "To this.
" What? It's just a teachers' lounge.
Just a teachers' lounge.
Like the Montreal Expos are just Canada's second-best baseball team.
Well, used to be.
The Expos moved? See, it's almost impossible to fire a tenured teacher.
So, if you're too incompetent to teach, they send you here.
The union calls it "The Rubber Room.
" You get paid to sit around all day till they figure out what to do with you.
It takes years.
Oh, my gosh.
You're trying to get sent here.
And I'm so close.
I've spent 23 years failing my way from AP Science all the way down to the last rung of the teaching ladder GED Prep.
You're not gonna get away with this.
I'm telling the principal.
Yes, do that.
It'll be great for you.
'Cause he'll probably replace me with one of those inspirational GED teachers you're always hearing about.
Nice try, Teach.
Or should I say, "Reverse Teach"? If I complain, you get paid to sit in there, and I get nothing.
They're not gonna replace you.
The school's broke.
They've been renting out the lockers as hotel rooms for Japanese businessmen.
Konnichiwa.
You complain, I win.
You fail, I win.
Face it, Missy, I'm a winner! Well, I'm not giving up! Did Frederick Douglass give up when people told him, "You'll never invent peanut butter, pal"? I know all of that's wrong.
I see now that he's holding a tennis racket.
I can't believe those guys.
I told them to stay out of my dad's study.
Ugh.
Wait till you see what they did to your bathrooms.
Who's that mean old lady? What? Oh, no.
That's, like, my super-great-grandfather, Christoph Voorhees.
Ugh, the Dutch.
I never formed an opinion about them.
We also have his ivory legs and his mustache and the pipe he smoked as a baby.
Ivory legs.
Where's the pipe? No! No, no, no, no.
My dad will notice right away if this thing is missing.
Where is it? Okay, I often find that things are in the last place I look.
So let's start at the Dollywood gift shop.
Who here is allowed to rent a car? No.
I know exactly where it is.
And she stepped on the ball.
Hey, son! That's my pipe! No, it's not.
- What did you just call me? - Give it to him, Dylan.
You talking to me? I break-a your face.
- Let's get out of here! - Ooh! Oh, my God, thank you Not so fast, MTV's Daria.
Solid, T.
I give this back to you, Kimmy's off the hook, right? Yes, fine.
Pinkie promise.
I don't get you guys.
You did all this for Kimmy? She's the worst.
Sure, she's not perfect.
She smiles too much, like a collie.
And red hair, brown eyes? Guess God ran out of crayons.
But he wasn't out of whatever makes people good.
Freckles, maybe.
She's a good friend.
Yeah.
And what do you know about friendship anyway? Those kids you hang out with suck.
Whatever.
You don't know them.
Oh.
Yeah.
By the way, I counted 12 bathrooms in your house.
Did I miss any? No, there's only eight.
Run, Lillian! She put this team together because she thought we'd be bad enough to finish dead last, knocking attendance down to the point where she could move the team to Miami.
Well, then I guess there's only one thing left to do.
What's that? Win the whole Thing.
That's it.
Guys, there's something you should know.
Mr.
Lefkovitz wants us to fail.
Teacher want us to fail? You make-a no sense, Penis.
Our success is his glory.
Yeah, that makes no sense at all.
- What are you talking about? - Hear me out.
If we've learned anything in this class, it's the plot to the movie Major League.
Wait.
What? Mr.
Phelps' widow wants the team to fail so she can move the franchise to Miami, right? Well, Mr.
L wants us to fail so he never has to work again.
He's Phelps' widow.
The Rubber Room is Miami.
And I guess the school is Cleveland.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Oh, still alive.
What's going on? You, you, with the talking, sit down! I'm sorry, my roommate had to use the pants.
I thought there was no way to beat him, but I was wrong, 'cause we're all in this together, same as them.
We just have to do what Jake Taylor said.
What's that? Pass the whole fudging test.
No! So we work together for the common good, the same way Vietnam win the war of American Aggression.
Yes, but read the room, Dong.
Now, who's with me? Thanks for the lesson, Teach.
Girl's name! Pinot Noir Caviar, Myanmar Mid-sized car You don't have to be popu-lar Find out who your true friends are Pinot Noir In the boudoir In the boudoir It went to voice mail.
Call it again.
Call call it again.
Pinot Noir, smoke a cigar Revenge can be spectacu-lar Pinot Noir, Pinot Noir Pinot Noir, Pinot Noir Pinot Noir Pinot Noir, leather bar Oh, so close and yet so far Pinot Noir, Pinot Noir Pinot, Pinot, Pinot Pinot Noir, you're a star Listen to Tom Beren-gar Pinot Noir, Roseanne Barr Pinot Noir Au revoir Good night, everybody!
I can't wait.
There's so many things I don't know, like what that is or those or that.
Bus, pants, car, Kimmy.
Oh, right.
Bad examples.
I'm just so excited.
I'm gonna get my GED.
I wish I had done that.
I did not enjoy my high school experience.
Oh, I bet it was tough for you.
Hey, man, great game.
That end zone dance was sick.
Yes, I love sports.
You're gonna take my virginity tonight.
Okay.
Ugh.
That crown I got from being prom king was so tacky, I hardly even wear it anymore.
Well, this is it.
I feel like a butterfly bursting from its "crystalish" and falling from the nest.
Yeah, you need this education.
Titus.
Don't be embarrassed of your Titus.
What if the other uneducated adults see me? Fine.
I hope someday when you're a gay, black man, you have a Kimmy that treats you like this.
I love you.
Don't get lice.
Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
Damn it Hey, what do you need my camera for? Are you doing some kind of gotcha journalism, where you dress up in white face and see if people treat you different? 'Cause I could tell you one thing, I wouldn't be asking all these questions if a white guy asked to borrow my camera.
Lillian, I'm making a music video.
Oh, you should do We Didn't Start the Fire with updated lyrics.
Balloon boy and ObamaCare The 1% are billionaires I will be performing a wholly original song.
The idea came to me in a dream last afternoon.
- It's called Pinot Noir - Classy.
- An Ode to Black Penis.
- I assumed.
It needs to look fancy, so our first location will be the strip club with the columns out front.
Nero's Castle.
Got my costume changes, my cocoa butter, my rhyming dictionary.
- Let's get started.
- Rhyming dictionary? You haven't written the song yet? Lyrics are the least important part of any song, Lillian.
I've got a title, a beat, and an attitude.
As long as it rhymes, everything will be fines.
I was wrong to doubt you.
Hello.
I am Dong.
Hi Dong.
I'm Kimmy.
In Vietnam, "Kim-mi" means penis.
I I could've been on a boat at the boat store right now.
All right, what do I got this time? An ex-con, immigrant.
Thought this was the post office.
Et cetera.
This is GED prep.
Today's lesson, the 1989 Tom Berenger movie Major League.
I'm sorry.
We're just gonna watch a movie? No.
Thank you for asking.
You're also gonna have to monitor my breathing.
Hurricane Sandy took my sleep apnea machine, so, you know, waking up is not a given.
What are we supposed to learn from this? Shh, you make-a Dong miss a shot of Cleveland.
I'm ready, Lillian.
Call my phone.
Oh, yeah.
Action.
Pinot Noir, caviar Pinot Noir, Myanmar Pinot Noir, candy bar It went to voice mail.
Call it again.
No wonder no one's in there.
You're scaring away the creeps.
I'm trying to run a business here.
Madam, please.
This is the fanciest-looking place in the neighborhood, after the abandoned chandelier factory.
Let us shoot here, and I'll pay you 100 bugs.
Did you just say "bugs"? Run, Lillian! Aah! Oh, no! Excuse me, Teach? Are we just gonna watch a movie again tomorrow? Isn't tomorrow Saturday? - It's Tuesday.
- Damn it.
This is important to me.
I want to learn real stuff, like why the sky is blue or why tree clams are so delicious.
Sorry, on the east coast you call them "pistachios.
" Look, my teaching style may be unconventional, but I need to speak to the principal.
You can't.
He's dead Serious about education, so he went to a conference in Hartford.
Well, then can you help me? I want to transfer to another GED class.
Another? Honey, we just got the one, you know, budget cuts.
Oh.
Is that why the fall-dance theme is Gymnasium? Look, I'm not tattletale, but our teacher stinks like a week-old sea pistachio.
I'm sorry, "oyster.
" And if I'm gonna pass the GED, I need a real teacher, like in all those movies where a white lady sits backwards in a chair and raps Shakespeare, and the class is like, "That was Shakespeare? Poetry is dope!" Oh, boy, Lefkovitz is teaching GED? Between you, me, and a former student we think is living in the air ducts Lefkovitz is on very thin ice with the school district and the teachers union.
One more screw up, and he'll never teach again.
If you want to lodge a complaint Oh, no, no, no.
I don't want to get anyone in trouble.
I just want to get my high-school diploma.
Look, I shouldn't tell you this, but I could just sell you one.
I heard that, Deborah! Now who's not telling on whom? Damn it! Ronald! Oh, no.
You're getting the stick? I'm so scared.
Is that all you got? Pinot Noir, mid-sized car - Pinot Noir, tiki bar - Oh, Jesus, bats! Waah! The singing the singing woke up the bats.
I feel like we're not capturing the elegance we discussed in the production meeting.
Ah, how was school, dear? I don't know what to do.
My teacher doesn't want to teach, but I don't want to get him fired.
Also, this Vietnamese guy made fun of my name.
Right, "Kim-mi.
" What were your parents thinking? Teachers have it tough.
One of my Aunt Ernestine taught sixth grade.
After years of buying school supplies out her own pocket for future dropouts, she stopped caring.
She quit.
Wound up walking the streets selling drugs.
Hmm.
She's a pharmaceutical rep.
I phrased that so badly.
That's what happened to Mr.
L.
After working at a broke inner-city school all these years, he lost his love of teaching.
But what can you do about it, Kimmy? I'm gonna make him remember why he became a teacher in the first place.
Titus, can you do me a favor tomorrow? On Martin Luther King's birthday? I'm not falling for that a fourth time, Titus.
Can you go to Jacqueline's house for me? The staff has the week off while she's away, and I need to check on the place, get the mail, water the plants, make sure there's fresh flowers in the panic room.
Wait.
You mean that beautiful mansion with the staircase, the marble floors, the curtains that are intended to be curtains Those are coffin linings.
That place is empty? Kimmy, have you heard of the term "quid prom quote"? Mm-mm.
I will watch Jacqueline's house if Lillian and I can finish shooting my music video there.
No, Titus, I can't Please, I need the production value.
I need it, baby.
Fine.
Quid prong conch.
But make it quick, and don't touch anything.
Oh, they'll never even know we were there.
I sanded off my fingerprints years ago.
So this is Julian Voorhees' house.
Wall Street royalty.
Ha! You know what we need is another Titanic.
Thin the herd a little bit.
Let's get started.
Yeah, just a second.
I promised myself if I ever got in here, I would do to his toilets what he did to the American middle class.
Pinot Noir, shooting star Under par Teri Garr, Jamie Farr These are '70s TV stars Okay, this is the last shot, the opening of the video.
We see a tough, blue-collar worker.
Maybe he's a car fixer or something with ladders.
Then through the power of Pinot Noir, he's transformed into what the French call Ripped from the headlines.
Ah.
Here Oh, I'm out of here.
No! No, no, no, no, no! You have to help me.
I have to finish my video.
I love you, Titus, but this is a billionaire's house, and I got priors.
Lillian! Lillian, wait! Eight Ball, it's me.
If anyone asks, I've been with you all day.
"I am screwed.
My house is trashed from last night and parents are coming home.
Help me clean up!" "Can't.
Dylan said I could smoke with them at park if I showed my boobs.
" "My dad's gonna kill me" "Sorry, blushing face.
Thumbs up.
" "BTW, lollipop, snowman, toilet, mailbox, ghost.
" "Apple, woman's shoe, alarm clock, acorn.
" "So true.
" Come on, Spirit Gum.
If you can keep Obama's human mask on over his lizard face, hash tag lizard truth, surely you can do this.
Who the hell are you? I am a handyman hired by Jacqueline to fix this curtain rod with my tools from my tool sash.
Right.
That reminds me There's actually a few more things she wants you to fix today.
Well, that's what I do for my job.
Damn, girl! Damn, girl.
Hey, kid.
No gum.
Spit it out.
Hey, Mr.
L.
I was just thinking about our conversation earlier.
I know that being a teacher isn't easy, especially when you're trying to get through to kids who don't even want to be here.
Look, I could stand here all day and stare at the reflection of your can in the water fountain, but I'm kind of busy.
The kids leave all kinds of things behind when there's a fire drill, so But I do want to be here.
I want to learn.
I just need your help.
Sorry, Ginger.
Nothing I do is gonna make a difference.
Nothing I've ever done has made a difference.
You know, I thought you might say something like that.
I dug this up in the library, the P.
S.
Zero yearbook from 1994, your third year teaching here.
Yeah, and a great year to be a Montreal Expos fan.
It was also the year a graduating eighth-grader wrote this.
"Off to Winston Zeddemore High, all thanks to Mr.
Lefkovitz.
I'll never forget what you did.
" Didn't make a difference, huh? You touched a boy and made him a man.
And that man is here today.
Mike, come on out! Oh, crap.
Is that Mike Stampone? You got so big.
You son of a bitch.
You ruined my life! Wait! But the yearbook! Oh, yeah, good idea.
Thanks.
Please, Mr.
Stampone! Ow.
Ow.
Oh.
Titus I got to go back for him.
I said I'm going.
Look, not for nothing, but this was your step momâÂÂs party? Yeah, well, bitches be trippin'.
Hey, you respect your stepmom.
She step gave birth to you.
Oh, no, magic hour the time of day when actors photograph best, according to my queer cousin.
I'll be back.
You stay here.
Last shot.
Action, genius.
Pinot Noir What the WTF are you doing? I can explain.
You're in The Matrix.
Titus, I should never have left Oh, you're in The Matrix.
I already used The Matrix.
Yeah, I'm calling the police.
You trust those clowns.
Are you kidding me? You got rights in your own home.
Shoot us.
Okay, look, I'm not a handyman, although that was my nickname one summer on Fire Island.
We're friends with Kimmy.
She asked us to come here to Wait, wait.
Kimmy let you in? Yeah.
This is perfect.
She is so fired.
Fired? I wish I'd never seen that Pug.
Is that why you came back? That dog does not look like me, Lillian.
One time I had to wear a cone - because I kept biting my stitches.
- He was eating out of a pizza box.
Oh, my God.
When my dad finds out about this, it's bye-bye Little Dorkphan Annie.
Okay, first of all, that was weak.
Second of all, you mess with Kimmy, and your daddy will find out about you and your friends trashing his home last night.
You can't prove that.
Oh, really? Because I don't think Jacqueline and her friends drink cans of beer while wearing Slutsicle Orange lipstick from Ke$ha's Morning After Collection, available exclusively at Hess gas stations.
My dad cannot find out about this, please! He'll kill me.
Or marry me off to one of his Saudi friends.
That's some high stakes.
All right, I'll make you this deal.
We'll help you clean up your party.
You lay off Kimmy.
Okay.
Detente.
No, no, no, this is Titus.
DeTante moved back to Atlanta.
This was the only thing in the nurse's office.
Yeah, that's the nurse.
Budget cuts.
They've got a cardboard cutout of Michael Jordan teaching gym.
- Ugh.
- I'm sorry about Mike Stampone.
I thought you were his hero.
His yearbook page said he went to high school because of you.
Yeah, he went to the worst high school in New York City because of me.
He was actually accepted to Bronx Science.
I was his advisor.
I'm supposed to send this form so he could go there.
Anyway, I didn't.
I steamed the stamp off his envelope so that I could send a fan letter to Beverly D'Angelo.
Wait.
You've always been like this? A Fangelo? Yeah, ever since Vacation.
No! A teacher who doesn't care.
Oh, really? Really, Miss Whatever-Your-Name-Is? Would a teacher who doesn't care bring in Rising Sun for today's class? - That's Major League.
- Damn it! See, this is what happens when you pack your briefcase in the dark.
But the people who own the house don't know I'm living in the basement.
So life's full of little compromises.
I can't believe I tried to keep you from getting fired.
Fired? I can't get fired.
I've got tenure.
Well, Deborah in the office says one more S-C-R-E-W-up, and you'll never teach again.
Did she say that? What were her words exactly? This is fantastic! What is wrong with you? Why are you happy about that? Why? Because it brings me one step closer to this.
To this what? I forgot what you said earlier, 'cause it took so long to get up here.
You kept having to lie down in the stairwell, and then I had to get you juice.
You asked why I was happy.
And I said, "'cause it leads me one step closer.
" And then I said, "To this.
" What? It's just a teachers' lounge.
Just a teachers' lounge.
Like the Montreal Expos are just Canada's second-best baseball team.
Well, used to be.
The Expos moved? See, it's almost impossible to fire a tenured teacher.
So, if you're too incompetent to teach, they send you here.
The union calls it "The Rubber Room.
" You get paid to sit around all day till they figure out what to do with you.
It takes years.
Oh, my gosh.
You're trying to get sent here.
And I'm so close.
I've spent 23 years failing my way from AP Science all the way down to the last rung of the teaching ladder GED Prep.
You're not gonna get away with this.
I'm telling the principal.
Yes, do that.
It'll be great for you.
'Cause he'll probably replace me with one of those inspirational GED teachers you're always hearing about.
Nice try, Teach.
Or should I say, "Reverse Teach"? If I complain, you get paid to sit in there, and I get nothing.
They're not gonna replace you.
The school's broke.
They've been renting out the lockers as hotel rooms for Japanese businessmen.
Konnichiwa.
You complain, I win.
You fail, I win.
Face it, Missy, I'm a winner! Well, I'm not giving up! Did Frederick Douglass give up when people told him, "You'll never invent peanut butter, pal"? I know all of that's wrong.
I see now that he's holding a tennis racket.
I can't believe those guys.
I told them to stay out of my dad's study.
Ugh.
Wait till you see what they did to your bathrooms.
Who's that mean old lady? What? Oh, no.
That's, like, my super-great-grandfather, Christoph Voorhees.
Ugh, the Dutch.
I never formed an opinion about them.
We also have his ivory legs and his mustache and the pipe he smoked as a baby.
Ivory legs.
Where's the pipe? No! No, no, no, no.
My dad will notice right away if this thing is missing.
Where is it? Okay, I often find that things are in the last place I look.
So let's start at the Dollywood gift shop.
Who here is allowed to rent a car? No.
I know exactly where it is.
And she stepped on the ball.
Hey, son! That's my pipe! No, it's not.
- What did you just call me? - Give it to him, Dylan.
You talking to me? I break-a your face.
- Let's get out of here! - Ooh! Oh, my God, thank you Not so fast, MTV's Daria.
Solid, T.
I give this back to you, Kimmy's off the hook, right? Yes, fine.
Pinkie promise.
I don't get you guys.
You did all this for Kimmy? She's the worst.
Sure, she's not perfect.
She smiles too much, like a collie.
And red hair, brown eyes? Guess God ran out of crayons.
But he wasn't out of whatever makes people good.
Freckles, maybe.
She's a good friend.
Yeah.
And what do you know about friendship anyway? Those kids you hang out with suck.
Whatever.
You don't know them.
Oh.
Yeah.
By the way, I counted 12 bathrooms in your house.
Did I miss any? No, there's only eight.
Run, Lillian! She put this team together because she thought we'd be bad enough to finish dead last, knocking attendance down to the point where she could move the team to Miami.
Well, then I guess there's only one thing left to do.
What's that? Win the whole Thing.
That's it.
Guys, there's something you should know.
Mr.
Lefkovitz wants us to fail.
Teacher want us to fail? You make-a no sense, Penis.
Our success is his glory.
Yeah, that makes no sense at all.
- What are you talking about? - Hear me out.
If we've learned anything in this class, it's the plot to the movie Major League.
Wait.
What? Mr.
Phelps' widow wants the team to fail so she can move the franchise to Miami, right? Well, Mr.
L wants us to fail so he never has to work again.
He's Phelps' widow.
The Rubber Room is Miami.
And I guess the school is Cleveland.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Oh, still alive.
What's going on? You, you, with the talking, sit down! I'm sorry, my roommate had to use the pants.
I thought there was no way to beat him, but I was wrong, 'cause we're all in this together, same as them.
We just have to do what Jake Taylor said.
What's that? Pass the whole fudging test.
No! So we work together for the common good, the same way Vietnam win the war of American Aggression.
Yes, but read the room, Dong.
Now, who's with me? Thanks for the lesson, Teach.
Girl's name! Pinot Noir Caviar, Myanmar Mid-sized car You don't have to be popu-lar Find out who your true friends are Pinot Noir In the boudoir In the boudoir It went to voice mail.
Call it again.
Call call it again.
Pinot Noir, smoke a cigar Revenge can be spectacu-lar Pinot Noir, Pinot Noir Pinot Noir, Pinot Noir Pinot Noir Pinot Noir, leather bar Oh, so close and yet so far Pinot Noir, Pinot Noir Pinot, Pinot, Pinot Pinot Noir, you're a star Listen to Tom Beren-gar Pinot Noir, Roseanne Barr Pinot Noir Au revoir Good night, everybody!