Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Kimmy Gets Divorced?!

1 [waves crashing] [spits] Don't even.
Stupid sea pigeon, looking at me like that.
Please! You're also at the beach with no friends.
[LaVern Baker's "Tweedle Dee" playing] [Lillian] Honey, you paid someone to take a GED graduation photo? [Kimmy] Cool, right? I was worried no one from class would show up to my party, 'cause, you know, I wasn't part of the cool group.
You make my heart Go clickety-clack Jacqueline! Jeez! I didn't think you'd show up.
Oh, I wouldn't miss your birthday or whatever.
The big 4-0.
It's not the same without Titus, though, is it? And he won't be back for another two months.
Or has he been here the whole time? [Kimmy imitating Titus] Girl, stop talking to me! You know I'm not real! Oh, Kimmy.
That's bad.
Don't let anyone see that.
Anyway, I don't actually care about Titus.
The only reason I brought him up was so you and I could talk about the fact that my boyfriend is also out of town.
- Titus isn't my boyf - Tell me about it.
I miss Russ so much.
I've been filling my days with the most awful things.
You can't imagine.
Last night, in a particularly low moment, I decided to come to this.
- Oh.
- Hi, hi.
[gasps] I brought photocopies of a dead bird.
Tweedlee, tweedlee dum I got to break up with him.
It's getting too dangerous.
'Cause he's trying to kill you? Probably.
But I mean dangerous politically.
Think about it.
I'm running for District Council.
He's a Durst.
I can't be fighting gentrification and poking a son of the biggest real estate developer in New York.
- So he'll be single? - Oh! What's he worth? Is his penis weird? Sorry, old habit.
Mm.
[Kimmy imitating Titus] Girl, that's nasty! So, Lillian, now that I have my GED, what do I do next? I don't know.
After high school, most white girls go to college.
I thought that was just for rich kids and only the very best clowns.
Nah, that's just fancy private colleges.
Me, I went to SUNY Old Paltz.
Go, Jews! Okay.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna go to college! [fancy orchestral music playing] [upbeat music] [Bankston] Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
[singers] Damn it [light orchestral music playing] Well, I'm off to bed, Titus.
Thanks for letting me sleep on your big queen mattress.
Crumpets and Cheerios, and that's a spicy meatball, Luigi.
[sighs] Stupid sea pigeon.
What can he do that I can't? I've fallen asleep on eggs.
My roommate! And my best friend? Kimmy, get off of Bed-jamin! It's not what it looks like! Wait, Titus.
Why are you back? Sometimes cruises just end early.
It's a very common thing.
I think I know more about cruises than you do.
Why are you wearing a tuxedo? And where's your luggage? Also, why is one of your shoes a cut-open beach ball? Why is your hair shorter? Or is it that your head is getting bigger? Everyone can do questions.
Now, girl, I need to lie down.
I'm starting to feel land-sick again.
Titus, what happened with Mahogany? It's okay if you got fired.
It doesn't mean you're not talented.
Kimberly, if there's one thing I learned on that cruise, it's that what I've been shouting at bus drivers for all these years is true.
I am a star! Mahogany [cheers and applause] [Kimmy] Wait, you played the lead part? What happened to Dionne Warwick? Nothing, she's fine! I think I know more about Dionne Warwick than you do! [cell phone ringing] - Hello? - Sister Kimmy.
It's Richard Shakeer-Mohammed.
I had to join a Muslim gang and a white-power gang.
It's sort of a Mrs.
Doubtfire situation.
I told you to stop calling me.
Look, you think I really want to be wasting my prison phone time on you? I could be calling a joke hotline.
The divorce papers are in the mail.
Sign 'em and get 'em back to me.
Why do we even have to go through this? There's no way that marriage was legal.
[Richard] And now, in the name of me, Gosh Almighty, who you may know from, I don't know, Italian ceilings? I pronounce you Superman and wife! Thank you, oh great and powerful Gosh.
I will see you later on in Heaven for paintball.
[laughing] Yeah.
Oh, believe you me, I wish our marriage was as fake as the Tooth Fairy or magnets.
But someone in the state of Indiana is taking it pretty seriously, because apparently one of us decided to claim a marital tax credit and used the money to buy a Jet Ski.
That had to be you! - Cla-may-to, Clamato, Kimmy.
- Whatever.
After I sign these papers, I don't want to hear your fudging voice ever again.
Look, Kimmy, I'm not your enemy.
- Are too! - D2! [hisses] [phone clatters] Bobby, sweetie, since we've been back together, I feel like that 12-year-old at summer camp on Roosevelt Island, running around the abandoned tuberculosis hospital, scaring ghosts.
But the reason I asked you to meet me here, in this very public place with many witnesses, is because I don't think we should see each other Okay.
Bye-bye.
[bouncy orchestral music] [door closes] Mrs.
Wayne? Pfft! The only way I'd be Mrs.
Wayne is if I'm Batman's mom, except I don't get murdered.
But then he doesn't become Batman.
[gasps] Oh, gosh.
What have I done? Oh, girl, nothing good ever comes in a big brown envelope.
Medical results, rejected Costco applications, vanity plates you ordered while intoxicated.
You don't even have a car, Titus! No, this is good.
I sign these stupid divorce papers, and I'm done with the Reverend forever.
Don't sign anything until you have someone with glasses look at it.
I made that mistake once.
That's why I have to go to that Army base four weeks a year.
Wait a minute.
Why are you still here? Have you not seen Mikey since you've been back? [chuckles] I probably have.
You people all look the same to me.
Jeez, I just figured after two months, you guys must be dying to touch butts? I do not want to talk about it.
But Mikey knows you're back, right? - You must have called him.
- No! I did not! 'Cause I can't see him, not yet.
- Why? - Because! I made promises.
I said I would come back with $16,000 in my pocket and a working pocket.
I was gonna shower Mikey with gifts.
Orchestra seats at a Mets performance.
Mud flaps with a sexy man on them.
Wait.
This whole time you didn't get paid? Technically, I did.
I even got a bonus after my bravura performance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Ma Ho Ga Ny [cheers and applause] But then I had to eat all my paychecks.
I mean, I lost them.
Shut up! Kimmy, I'm tired of failing, tired of feeling like a loser.
Titus, I've never seen you like this.
I know.
I can barely look at myself in the mirror.
No, I mean, you got knocked down, but you want to get up again.
You're Tubthumping! Mikey believed in me.
He made me follow my dream.
I can't disappoint him.
Then you won't.
We'll find you another job.
- But where? - Let me catch you up on the latest in showbiz.
TV is computers now.
I saw an ad on the side of a bus for a new show called Turgle, I think.
The bus was going pretty fast.
Home Box Office bought Sesame Street and fired all the actors.
- Streaming residuals - Wait! Sesame Street! Those jobs last forever! I'd get to sing with celebrities, shove cookies in my mouth without chewing.
Plus, it'd be great to have someone else work my arms for once.
- That's just for puppets! - How do you know? The downside is I'd have to pretend to like children and endorse sharing.
But for Mikey, I'll do it.
But do you know how to get, how to get, how to get to Sesame Street? No.
But I know someone who does.
He's the worst monster of all.
Oh, I miss you so much, Russ.
Why do you have to go to Africa and fight rhino poaching anyway? Who cares how rhinos are cooked? When he gets back, let's go on a double date.
You, Russ, me, and someone we trick.
The call dropped again.
Ugh.
Get it together, Africa.
Jacqueline, can you look at these? [rattling] Ooh, divorce papers.
Uh-huh, from you-know-who.
Nice try.
I know that means Voldemort.
Now I know he's single.
Can you just make sure he's not tricking me or anything? Julian tried to sneak in a clause in our divorce agreement that said I could never remarry and had to die alone in a flea market.
So how did he dump you? Did he write "it's over" on your forehead while you were asleep? But in the mirror it was backwards, so I saw "revosti.
" [laughs] I got all dressed up thinking Winston was taking me to a fancy Italian restaurant.
But then he was gone, gone forever! [laughing, crying] Did you just get these today? You're not signing this.
But the sticker says "Sign here.
" It's shaped like an arrow.
Kimmy, this man put you through hell cheating on you or whatever.
- He kidnapped me.
- I said, "Or whatever.
" But now he wants something from you, right? A divorce so he can get remarried.
Which means now you're the one in control.
Withhold that signature, and now it's his turn to feel everything you felt anger, frustration, despair, fear, horniness, fear-based horniness.
I'm in control now.
I'm not signing! Oh, this'll be fun.
We'll order sushi, open some wine, and when he calls - We'll make him suffer.
- Great! I'll cancel my plans.
Daddy, I can't come over tonight.
I'll just give you double insulin tomorrow.
Ah, done! [bright orchestral music] [man] Five minutes to curtain! Five minutes! Your five-minute call.
Five minutes.
I'd say hello, Titus, but I'm saving my voice for what the French call "la performance de play.
" Hello, Coriolanus, and congratulations on all your success.
Oh, you mean appearing in every single performance of Matilda's Wednesday matinee? That's when all of the child actors have to go to school, and their roles are played by adults.
Jealous? Look, Coriolanus I know you got your start on Sesame Street [upbeat acoustic guitar music] [kids] Through! [boy] Through the old rebar.
[kids] Over! [boy] Over the nails! [kids] Under! [boy] Under the steamroller! Child work rules were very different in the '70s.
I was the only survivor of that shoot.
Well, now, Sesame Street is casting, and I thought you might know someone there who could help me.
[laughing] Oh, Titus.
You expect me to help you? The only time I stoop that low is when I wear shoes on my knees to play a non-speaking child in Broadway's Matilda.
[gasps] Although you know what would be interesting? A documentary about Frank Lloyd Wright's brilliant but troubled life? The producer of Sesame Street is Mr.
Lonny Dufrene.
And, yes, we are still in touch.
Why are you telling me this? Because I know you, Titus Andromedon.
I know how weak you are in the face of adversity, how easily you give up.
Oh, only when it comes to stuff.
So I'm going to tell you where to find Lonny Dufrene every morning before work.
Tomorrow at 7:00 a.
m.
, you can find Mr.
Dufrene in Riverside Park at 78th Street, doing an exercise class.
[laughing wickedly] - [man] Places! - Oh! [man] This is your places call for top of show.
[swelling orchestral music] Great.
So, when I want him to call, he suddenly can't be bothered.
Text and tell him you've been in an accident.
That sometimes works.
Be patient, Kimmy.
The grandmother from Who's the Boss? once told me that you can put up with anything for ten seconds.
[cell phone ringing] No, no.
He can wait.
He's the last thing on your mind.
[line trilling] Ten seconds at a time [ringing continues] Make it quick.
I'm on a horse.
Are they in the mail yet? I'm sorry, who is this? What? Are you serious? It's Richard.
Richard Stemple? From high school? [Richard] No, dummy.
You didn't go to high school because I kidnapped you.
I can't believe you don't remember that.
Oh, right, Richard.
Look, I haven't had a chance to sign that thing.
Because nobody in New York uses pens anymore.
Everyone just vapes each other now.
Oh, and you weren't able to find time in your day to go buy a pen at one of New Jersey's many fine peneries? Yeah, I'm just too busy, um Um hitting a floating tambourine while my other hand gets a manicure.
Also, I'll have you know, I'm applying to college.
[scoffs] Without a pen? Good luck.
Oh, thanks for the luck.
I guess I'll play the lottery now and win.
No.
No! I take it back.
Listen, sign the papers and get it back to me.
They're executing my best man in three days, and they are out of the drug, so they're gonna throw him off the roof.
Oh, my gosh.
He hung up on me.
[Mimi] Perfect timing! Dinner's ready! - Mimi, we said don't do that.
- Come on, Mrs.
Kanassis.
Well, what's done is done.
What a disaster.
Oh, I've been there.
You fall asleep, dream you're French-kissing Ryan Seacrest, then you wake up, and it's two rats fighting over a hard-boiled egg in your mouth.
No.
I broke up with Bobby.
And it was worse than I could have imagined.
[gasps] Oh, no.
He killed you, and now you're a ghost? I don't want to make sexy pottery with you.
No, he just said, "Bye-bye," and walked away, like it was nothing.
I'll be on the stoop, throwing stuff at anyone who looks like they're in love.
Hang on.
You're going to bed? It's 9:00.
You're gonna miss the parade of Puerto Rican babies who are up too late.
Well, you'll have to tell me about it.
I'm going to an exercise class in a park tomorrow morning.
You're not gonna do that.
Oh, I am.
I'm gonna get up at morning, or however you say it.
I'm gonna exercise like those morons in that Olympic show.
And I will not fail, because I'm doing it for the greatest reason of all love.
What did I just say? [cell phone ringing] Hello? This your phone? What? No.
Who's this? You leave phone in cab! I am SoHo.
Where you? No, no, no.
This isn't my phone.
I'm trying to call Kimmy.
Oh, no! Here come accident! [screaming] Oh! - [screaming] - [pots banging] [cell phone ringing] You're talking to K-Biz.
Oh, Allah, be praised, K-Biz.
You got your phone back.
Ugh.
It was hard to track down 'cause I went to so many places today.
I just love walking wherever I want, don't you? Opening unlocked doors and going outside and then showering alone and not having a toilet next to my bed.
[Richard] Are you listening to yourself? You know I'm in prison.
Everything that you just said is fun stuff I can't do now.
Tell you what I'll take you to that go-kart place.
Oh, my God, normally, that's, like, my favorite thing! [cell phone ringing] [sighs] It's about time you called.
[Richard] Well, excuse me, Kimmy.
But a condom full of heroin exploded in my stomach, so this whole day has been for the birds! I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do with these divorce papers.
Just fill them out! It's just, you know how you always said in the bunker that women are dumb? Well, I think you're right.
I mean, these pages look blank to me.
Flip them over, Kimmy.
Flip 'em over! You're looking at the wrong side! [crying] This is so frustrating! I think he's crying.
[Richard sobbing] The rash from the sushi is real bad! Somebody help! Oh, God! Oh, what was I thinking? [people grunting] I thought burpees were just baby burps, which is something I'm very [burps] good at.
[Dev] You're late, Lonny! Oh, man, Dev, sorry, brother.
It's just, like, someone swiped my recumbent bicycle.
But it's cool.
I'm sure he needed it more than me, and the universe will pay me back, like when I found that sock.
Okay, everyone up the hill.
[all grunting] [dry orchestral music] [Titus panting] Do it for Mikey.
Run! Get really low.
Hey, it's me, man, Lonny Dufrene.
I had, like, a far out idea for the new Gordon Titus Andromedon.
I bet he's never heard of you either, lady! I mean, cool, cool.
The '70s Uh, let's schedule him first up and, uh, have a nice selection of pastries for him.
Nothing with fruit.
Okay, maybe I'll sign if you admit that there was no fifth Mole Woman and you were Lil' Lisa.
Oh, is that what you think? Well maybe I'll just put Lil' Lisa on the phone while I drink this glass of water.
Hi, Sister Kimmy! Boy, the Reverend sure is thirsty.
How is he doing that? [Richard] Why, thank you, Lil' Lisa.
I need a little hair of the dog.
But I'll take any kind of hair.
You know what? I think you won't sign because you're still in love with me.
- As if! - D2! [inhales sharply] Hi, hi.
[Richard] Hello? Kimmy.
Kimmy! Mmm, now I'm eating pizza! How's the pizza in prison? Surprisingly authentic.
Yeah, well, it's good here, too! What are you doing here? I just wanted to return the stuff you left at my place.
I couldn't find anything, so the box is empty.
Why'd you just walk away like that? I've never been good at bye-byes.
But I've known you since 1964.
I was your first alibi.
Lillian, can I stop being insane and get real for a second? You're living in the past.
Me, fighting to keep this neighborhood terrible, your views on Italians? I'm not stuck in the past.
I just hate the present.
You know Playboy doesn't have nudity anymore? You have to draw the nipples on yourself.
This isn't healthy, Lillian.
And I'm making it worse.
[door opens] I bet your cell's pretty small.
My apartment's so big, I can Gosh dang it! Why don't our shins have butts? I know it seems like you're just having fun, but you let someone back in your life who's who's bad for you.
It's holding you back.
Who, me? No, that's not what's happening here.
'Cause it's different than it used to be.
Not everything's about you, dear.
Goddamn millennials.
No, Lillian, maybe this was always about Kimmy, all of it.
Maybe I let a bad person back in my life, but he used to torture me.
Now I'm torturing him.
[Richard] Hey, you know I'm still here, right? Are you talking to someone else? Man, maybe you're the one that should have the prison nickname "Rude Dude.
" See? I turned the tables.
But you're you're still at the same table.
[dramatic string music] [liquid splashing] [Richard] Hello? Those pastries were supposed to be for all day.
Okay, man.
Welcome.
Let me hear your 'bet.
A, B, C, D, E, F, G H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P Q, R, S T, U, V W, X Y, and Z And that's why we have seasons.
Wow.
Titus, I love it, man.
And I love children! It's not weird that their teeth get pushed out of their heads by other teeth.
Fruits and vegetables keep us healthy and strong.
Far out.
Look, I'd like to do one more scene, if that's cool, maybe with one of the stars of the show.
Oh, I was taking a nap in there.
Thanks for helping me move into Sesame Street, Mr.
Frumpus.
Boy, those boxes were heavy.
But now that we're done, we can go get ice cream.
- Ooh, I want chocolate.
- And you'll get it.
Sometimes you have to do something really hard, like cleaning your room or finishing your homework, before you get what you really want.
Oh, I'm glad you're my new neighbor.
I thought that was great, man.
How about you, Mr.
Frumpus? Felt pretty good.
Felt pretty good.
[laughing] Titus, you're the real deal, man.
But we've seen a lot of great people.
Okay, Lonny, you don't know how bad I want this.
Yeah, maybe we don't know, Titus.
Like, what would you do to get the thing you want? Uh, I don't know.
Um what? Well, it's like you said, right? Before you get the thing you want You got to do something really hard.
- You said that, right, Titus? - Well, I read it And then do you remember what I said right before that? Do you, Titus? I said, "I want chocolate.
" And then what did you say, Titus? Y-you'll get it? So you give Mr.
Frumpus what he wants, and you get what you want one of the best TV jobs in New York.
Come on, let's do this.
My pill's kicking in.
[breathes deeply] [dramatic music] No! I told myself I would do anything to get this gig, because I was doing it for love.
And I would do anything for love, but I won't do that! Meat Loaf, man.
Maybe when I'm done, thank you.
But if all that's true, if I really would do anything for Mikey, then I'd forget about my stupid hang-ups about money and failure, and I would go see him.
I would go and see him right now.
And I wouldn't even have any meatloaf first.
You creeped him out.
[sighs] Jacqueline, I have to sign those papers, right now.
Messing with him was fun, but it was still him.
I spent the last 24 hours on the phone with that sicko.
So that's why your ears are red.
But why are your eyes so uneven? I should be living my life, raking in mad dough, sippin' on gin and juice, laid back.
[sighs] Okay, fine.
Just initial where it says "uncontested" and then sign at the bottom.
[Kimmy] And then I can use this pen to apply to college.
College? Good for you.
[scoffs] I wish I had gotten my degree.
Back before Julian, I went for a year, but ran out of money.
Trump University.
Go, Pricks! Well, good thing I have $2,000 saved plus a pretty rare Beanie Baby that I would never sell because his face is too cute.
Two thousand dollars? Kimmy, even a state school costs $20,000 a year.
- What? - Hmm.
No.
How am I gonna get my pockets fat with that kind of cheddar, fam? Well, you could always get yourself a rich husband.
But you already have a husband, and he's got some stuff.
A jukebox, DJ equipment, a bunker A bunker? That's weird.
For what? My point is, that stuff's worth money.
That I could use for college.
But how do I get it from him? You tear up these papers and contest the divorce.
[dramatic music] Looks like someone is going to college.
And that person and I have something in common college.
[whines, panting] This is so dramatic running to someone.
Those 35 years of carbo-loading are paying off.
[car door opens, closes] I'm ready.
I'm so excited.
[indistinct chatter] What the foop? [dramatic orchestral music] - Good night, everybody! - Good night!