Uncle (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Bringing Sexy Back

1 You're so sweet and saccharine I hardly can believe That when I see you coming I can feel you in my teeth Racing through my senses Candy in my brain Rotting everything inside You give me sugar pain Sugar in my blood making my heart flood Pumping through my arteries You hit me with a thud.
OK, thoughts.
Josh.
It's all right.
Just all right? It's just the "sugar in my blood, making my heart flood", kind of sounds like diabetes.
Huh It's a metaphor.
But if sugar's a problem, I can always change it to honey.
It's not just the lyrics.
It's the Father John Misty thing.
You know, it's all a bit hipster, faux hippy, fake folk vibe.
It's just not right for our debut LP.
- We could change the arrangement.
- It also has no sex appeal.
- Just given you a semi, eh? - More like a soft sauna dick.
You know, I'm not shrinking, but I'm not hard.
Trust me, put a Ginger Baker-style drum arrangement on the back of it and it'll get nun's pregnant.
Who's Ginger Baker? He's the drummer for The Graham Bond Organisation, and, more importantly, Cream.
He's cool, but again, it's not our sound.
Look at FKA Twigs, Disclosure, Years & Years we need to be in that, you know, neo-soul, deep-house space, but you know, boyband.
Cool I'll work on it.
OK, thanks for coming in, blokes.
Now, fuck off, I'll see you later at the showcase.
Rest those golden pipes, the two of you who can actually sing.
Unbelievable.
I know, right? Ungrateful little brats.
You never go against the talent.
But they work for you, and you said you liked the song.
If Josh isn't happy, I can't be happy.
Are you firing me? Don't be ridiculous, I'm offering you an opportunity.
You do well at this stuff, and it'll be very good for your potential solo all that.
I'm going to put you with Alex, OK? The producer of their EP.
And if you two can't come up with a hit by the end of the day then I'll fire you.
Ooh, yeah, baby Got diabetes Hmm - I'm dying.
- Is it cancer? - No, worse.
- Roly caught you wanking again? - I caught him.
Waste baskets full of tissues, a whole house out of hand lotion.
All of the towels crack like plasterboard.
Can you talk to him? Why? it sounds like he's got a grip on the situation.
Just tell him that it's normal and it's nothing to be ashamed of and make sure he's not getting distorted ideas about sex from the media and porn and stuff like that, and that women are equal.
- Why don't you tell him? - He won't listen to me I'm a woman.
I'll talk to him.
I'm sure something will rub off.
Eurgh! Oh, I need you guys out of the house all afternoon cos my fertility app is showing three eggs.
- Oh, no, not three eggs.
- That is peak ovulation! Me and Bruce are going to be at it like teenagers.
What, fumbling around in the back of his dad's Volvo before he comes all over your shoes? Don't make me laugh my tits are really sore.
Are you sure you're not already, you know? Don't jinx it! Just get Roly out of here and don't forget the talk.
- What talk? - See you later, bye.
Ah Take a seat.
- Roly - Is it about me walking the dog? Maybe now she'll finally learn to knock.
- I hate hormones.
When does it end? - When I find out, I'll let you know.
The sneaking around is the worst.
It's like I'm cheating on myself with myself.
I was hoping I was going to fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum but I don't think that's going to pan out.
I hate to admit this, Uncle Andy, but I think I need a girlfriend.
What about, um, Ruby? That ship has sailed.
She's dating a sixth-former now.
- Tiffany? - My soon-to-be stepsister? - Fair point.
But you're never going to land anyone in those clothes.
What? It's the speed of light in metres per second.
Roly, there comes a point in every skinny androgynous boy's life when he realises that the children's-show-host-with-a-heart-condition look isn't working out and his only chance of getting laid will be to go full vampire.
- What's this? - My old band T-shirts.
I used to be skinny like you once, but don't worry, you'll fill into your full manly shape eventually.
- How did the song go? - Oh, they said I didn't have enough sex appeal.
Those pricks wouldn't understand sex appeal if it bent them over a chair.
And unless I work with some useless producer, I'm going to get fired.
- Oh, dearie me, good luck with that.
- Whoa! Why don't you come with me? I could use the support.
I'd love to, but I've got reading.
Any more of your "reading" and you'll go blind.
That's a myth.
Trust me, I googled it.
Look, if you help me, I'll give you a box of Uncle Frank's '80s porn mags, yeah? It's got long nails, tan lines, full bush, the works.
Trust me, those things are like gold dust now.
Well, I suppose I could use some fresh air.
Remember, you've got to back me up all the way, otherwise this idiot's going to walk all over us.
You've got it.
- What are you doing? - High-five.
That looks like a Sieg Heil.
Put it away.
Look at him, standing around like a douche while everyone else does the heavy lifting.
Huh! Hi.
Andy King.
Um - You're Alex, right? - Lex, visitors.
You're Andy, right? Alex? My senior producer.
I prefer Lex.
Hey, who's your bag man? That's my nephew, Errol, co-writer.
Nice to meet you, Lex.
That's a deep voice you got there.
He, uh, takes after me.
- You a big Massive Attack fan? - Yeah.
- Actually, that's my T-shirt.
- Quality taste.
- From their Mezzanine tour.
- Dang, you must be old! I mean, I was really, really underage when I saw them, so - What's all this for? - NTL are having a press showcase tonight.
I don't know why Marsh decided to dump you guys on me today No offence.
None taken.
I love dumping.
It's not you.
It's just, he knows that I don't have time to think about the next album when NTL are still performing the old songs.
God, I'm bricking it! Hey, no need to, kiddo.
I remember when I started producing Kiddo? Lol! Look, I only look 16.
I'm actually 23, and this is my 12th showcase, but the jitters never stop.
I probably shouldn't have drank five cups of coffee, though, eh? - Whatever gets you going, though.
- Yeah, I'm going a lot.
People with dysentery are much less likely to get bowel cancer.
That is legitimately interesting.
- I know loads of crap facts.
- Save it for the song, eh? My PA, Trevor, will set you up at the back table, and I'll be back in a bit.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
- No probs, sexy.
Why, thank you.
Right back at ya.
What? Uh, I meant him, but, uh, yeah, you too, toots.
I'm really sorry.
It's fine.
It's not me, is it? No! Just that position was a little ambitious out of the gates.
You know, you're still super-sexy.
Like Patsy Kensit.
- Patsy Kensit? - From Lethal Weapon 2.
I know who she is, but that was, like, 30 years ago.
So? Retro is the new now-tro.
Sorry, I'm babbling.
It's just a lot of pressure trying to make a new life, doing God's work.
Speaking of God's work, how about good old missionary? Missionaries are cool, right? Yeah, they help with food aid, literacy, building worlds, forcing religion on people who look like me.
There's no time for colonial grievances, Bruce.
Get your head in the game.
All right, OK, how about a nice back-rub? Ooh, I never turn down a back-rub.
Brr! It's cold in here.
You should probably cover up your little chicken arms - with your old-man jumper.
- I think you're right.
I think I should start to embrace my physicality more, tap into my inner immortal.
Is that because of what Lex said? Get real.
You're 15 and she's 23 there's an eight-year age gap.
That'd be like trying to put a Sega cartridge into an Xbox.
She's 11 years younger than you, and I'm going to be legal in a few months, anyway.
- What's a Sega? - Hey, what you two taking about? - Law.
- Sega.
- Vampires.
- Jumpers.
All very good song topics.
Now, let me hear what you've got.
You're so sweet and saccharine I hardly can believe When I see you coming Well, I feel it in my teeth Can I stop you there? Um, not feeling the sexy.
All I write are sexy love songs.
You've got think about NTL's audience.
It's not about what's sexy to a grown man, but what's sexy to a teenage girl.
Anaemic little boy With nothing much say Not on an asexual spectrum But a spectrum that starts with an "A" He wants to date the only girl that he knows But he's got to go home to watch Michael Mos ley.
Hey.
Don't you dare besmirch Mosley.
You can clearly riff.
Now all you have to do is find your inner teen girl.
Oh, yeah.
Sure, she's just screaming to get out.
Help, I haven't got an inner teen girl! Yes, you do.
We all have an inner teen girl.
Penelope? "Yes, Errol? Haven't spoken to you in a while.
" I know.
Sorry, I've been rather busy with my school work.
How have you been? "I've been very well.
"Sometimes I do wish we spoke more, though.
"I passed my dance exams, I don't suppose you knew.
" No, sorry.
I should've texted.
I'd love to carry on with this conversation, Penelope, but Uncle Andy has a question for you.
What sort of songs do you like Penelope? "I like songs about strong female friendships, "party songs for the summer and songs about new dance steps.
"But I love nothing more than" Oh, God.
- What, what's wrong? That voice is a lot harder than it used to be.
Crap! If I get fired, then Marsh isn't going to give me a shot at a solo career, and then what am I going to do? - I don't know any real teen girls.
- Yes, you do.
Hey, Tiff! It's Uncle Andy.
You're not my uncle.
Well, not technically, but you're my yet-to-be-married brother-in-law's ex-step daughter, so What do you want, Andy? I'm at my mum's.
I have a favour to ask.
Uh Good day, my ladies.
Here for the old showcase? We've been here since last night.
We love NTL so much.
Are you a fan? Actually I'm here in a professional capacity.
- No way.
Are you a singer? - Songwriter.
Working on a song for them now.
Just taking a break.
Mental recharge.
Can I ask you ladies a question? What sort of guys do you fancy? - I only fancy boys in books.
- What kind of boys? - Green eyes.
- Just green eyes? Green eyes and secret royalty.
How can you be secret royalty? Like a prince or a duke, but he goes to normal school.
You know, in disguise.
- And what do you find romantic? - Love triangles.
Like, she has to choose - Let me guess, prince over duke? - Mostly.
- Are we done? - Sure.
You don't find Errol attractive, do you? I mean he looks a cross between a stick insect and that Scream painting.
Girls don't find that attractive now, do they? Bye, Andy.
Slow down, can you go over that bit about the texting again? OK, so when you steal his phone and then you see he's been sexting some other bitch, and then you sext him pretending to be her and then she comes over and you get into a massive cat fight and someone films it.
Oh, wait, that's happened to you? Yeah, or like when you send nudes on Snapchat, but then you break up, and he asks for ransom or he'll, like, put them up online, but you're like "I'm proud of all of this.
#BodyPos.
" Isn't all of this illegal? - If he acts crazy, that means he loves you.
- That's passion.
Do you think older women are into that too? There you are.
Ladies, is this little nerd bothering you? Is he your dad? I'm his young, cool uncle.
Like Uncle Jesse from Full House.
- What's Full House? - Google it.
So, what are you lot talking about? Vaping? Alcopops? Emojis? - Nothing.
- Nothing.
- I don't believe it.
- I know.
Those girls were demented.
All they care about is drama.
What about climate change, the refugee crisis, or dissolution of the EU? No, I can't believe that they were sacred of me.
I used to be a hit with teenage girls, and now I'm just a gross old guy.
How can I write a song for them if they don't even like me? Snap out of it, you just need a confidence boost.
OK.
Tell me something nice about myself.
Not from me.
From someone who means it.
- Yello? - Gwen.
What did you see in me? Oh, no, are you having another dark night of the soul? - No, no.
- You need me to sing lead vocals on another track cos you finally realised I'm a better singer than you? You wish! - What is it, then? - It's just am I sexy? Mm I'll take that as a yes.
I told you not to take that call.
I know, but with Andy, you never know if it's life or death.
Sorry, Andy, the TV's on really loud.
I'll turn it down.
Why did you like me? I mean, you're nine years younger than me what was the attraction? Well, I like hairy-beary guys, and you had great weed.
Plus I'm into emotionally fragile men.
Or how about I was a massive stud? I mean, you used to love that thing I did with my tongue, didn't you? Is that Casper? Hey, stud! Ooh! Bye! Ha, ha ha What thing he did with his tongue? He'd write lyrics with his tongue, and I'd have to guess the song.
It gave me a whole new appreciation for Cool For Cats.
I'll show your cat what's cool.
- How long have I been asleep? - Two hours.
- Shit! Two hours? I know, I know, three eggs, but you looked so serene.
Oh, man, those back-rubs are lethal.
Are you working on a new comic? Yes.
But it's not finished.
Ow! What? I've got green eyes I've counted two I sent those pictures just for you My blood is blue My eyes are green My texts for you They were obscene I saw the cat fight from my phone I filmed it on my mobile phone I am a secret royalty I have green eyes They help me see Green! The green eyes.
Is that, like, a metaphor? What? No, the the I mean, they're just green eyes.
I thought that's what you girls liked.
Sure, sure.
It's just, I hear "green eyes", I think jealousy.
Who's jealous? Of what? What did you think of the cat fight and the filming it part? That bit was kind of cool.
Look, the tune is good.
You just need to know the emotional through line.
Keep trying.
I'm sure you'll crack it.
You hear that? She thinks I'm kind of cool She said "kinda cool" like Screech is "kinda handsome".
- What's Screech? - Saved By The Bell.
- Was that another old thing? She said the only good part was the tune, and that was all me.
Look, Uncle Andy, you always get the girl.
Can't you just give me this one shot? And if I fall, it'll be on my own sword.
I hear you've been doing a lot more than falling on it.
Fine, you go for it.
In fact, I'll even help.
I know loads about older ladies.
- You'd do that for me? - Sure, pal, what are uncles for? First, I'll open up with a cheeky joke, like, uh, what do you call a person who plays too much saxophone? - What? - A sax addict.
Then I'll move on to talk about art, literature and music.
And then I'll slip in a humble brag.
Nicola Sturgeon followed me on Twitter.
- Have you heard of negging? - Like adding negative integers? It's a compliment that's also a subtle knock to her self-esteem.
- Why would you want to do that? - To make her crave your approval.
Example you remind me of my little sister.
She's a real nerd.
Now your turn.
I like your hands.
They look soft, but not too soft.
No.
Again.
- Hi, are you lost? - Why? Because you've got a far-off look.
Maybe you're a dreamer.
Or maybe you're scared that people can see what you really are.
A bitter impostor grasping at shreds of bliss while real happiness falls through your fingers, knowing that you'll never have the life that you desperately crave.
You're too broken inside.
- Can I get you a drink? - Bet better.
- Also, I like the grey in your beard.
- It's distinguished like a rabbi.
OK, we get it! Get back to me, yeah? OK, cool, nice.
Marsh will be here soon.
You guys got new lyrics ready? No, but I I like your old-lady shoes.
Uh thanks.
Um, I got them off your mum.
Well, at least you can change your shoes.
Shame about your face.
Are you negging me? No, what gave you that dumb idea? You stupid cutie! Mmm, too bad.
Better luck next time.
She called me cute.
Psst! Hey, Errol.
Ooh, hello, girls.
Are you, uh You're you're looking all very tired.
It's from all this waiting.
Yeah, good luck checking in with all those bags.
Maybe you could help us get in early, give us a tour? We'd make it worth your while.
Hey, Andy, you ready for me? I'm caffeinated and fascinated.
And plus we're running low on time, so Look, I just want to say I'm sorry if I came across as defensive earlier.
I'm a passionate and sensitive guy, you know? I can't switch it off.
When I write and between the sheets.
It's a gift and a curse.
Mostly a gift.
Dude, you have nothing to apologise for.
I just want you to write from an honest place.
Now, come on, bring it in.
- Lex! - OK, BRB.
I want to hear some lyrics.
- What was all that about? - I don't know.
One minute we were discussing chord progressions, and the next, she was all over me.
Can't a guy get any work done around here? What's with the posse, joining the suffragettes? They begged me for a backstage tour.
Turns out I'm irresistible.
- Hey, is that my baby? - Hey, boyfriend! "Boyfriend"? Whoo! Mwah! Of course that's why she's their producer.
Total nepotism! Well, technically, it's cronyism.
Josh, you know Andy, and that's his nephew, co-writer and all-round cutie, Errol.
Phew! For a second I thought I was meeting my replacement.
- Nice shirt, little man.
- Actually, that's my shirt.
And I'm not little.
I'm in the top 15th percentile for my age.
I thought it'd be good for Josh to hear the track before Mar Oh, shit, it's Marsh.
Yeah, yeah.
Great.
- What an idiot.
- He's not going to provide for her needs.
I could do our taxes and maximise our return.
And look at his little torso, I bet he's a shit big spoon.
He doesn't even know the best brunch spots.
Bet he uses Time Out.
She should start afresh with someone young who understands the intricacies of self-employed status.
Or she could go for someone with a driving licence and can legally buy alcohol.
Did I mention I know how to brew alcohol? Not to toot my own horn.
And you do like to toot it.
Code red, guys.
Marsh will be here in 30 minutes.
Well, I should, uh, relieve myself of my tour group.
Girls! I've lost my girls.
Girls! Girls! Oh! - We saw you talking to Josh.
- Oh, him.
Can you introduce us? Josh is my absolute fave.
Well, Liam's my favourite and then Josh, but I ship "Losh", so I'm good either way.
I don't want to get in any trouble.
You're cute, you remind me of my brother.
He's also a coward.
- Are you negging me? - We're not negging.
We're begging.
Please, you're too cute to be mean! - Come on, come on, we'll do anything - Please - Please! - Please! Ladies! Control yourselves.
Andy.
Let me ask you a question, and, uh, answer me honestly.
OK.
6.
75 inches.
7 if I pull on it.
What? No.
- What do you think about romance novels? - Rubbish.
And girlie things like ponies, dolls and sparkly vampires? Crap, crap and more crap.
And boy bands? It's all right, just let it out.
I hate them.
I hate them and their music, all right? They're disposable, insubstantial bubble-gum pop crap.
And only teen girls love them, so you think it's beneath you.
And you're trying to write a bad song because you think that's what the audience deserves.
Andy the Beatles were a boyband.
The Pistols were a manufactured pop group.
Once you strip it back, all you're left with are chords and lyrics.
A song is a song.
And all audiences deserve your best effort.
So, what you're saying is that it's almost as if teenage girls are people.
Hi, I'm Lance, your IT specialist.
I understand you have a computer that needs servicing.
You've got malware on your hard drive from downloading too much filthy pornography.
Oh, dear Yeah, it's quite serious pornography.
I've been a naughty girl, I guess, so what you going to do? Well, I'll just have to reformat your hard drive from scratch.
Jesus, I hope you still have your OS start discs.
- But what are you going to do to me? - Give you a stern talking to about which websites you visit in the future.
I suggest downloading AdBlock and creating a whitelist, and you should use private browsing mode and delete these cookies regularly.
- It's fine, we all make mistakes.
- Bruce Too technical? It's moved away from sexual fantasy into actual IT support.
Sorry, I just get really annoyed when the jargon's not accurate.
This isn't getting us out of our comfort zone enough.
It's hard keeping it fresh with all this pressure.
- I just wish we could do something spontaneous - And filthy.
Really, really filthy, like, properly nasty disgusting filth.
Ha! Yep, nothing more filthy than Andy's flat.
Freud would have a field day with this one.
Help.
Teach me to stop being sexy.
It's a family curse, what am I supposed to do? You've stolen my mojo.
I should've never given you all my T-shirts.
It's not the T-shirts it's me.
I'm metamorphosing.
We get it.
Puberty is Kafkaesque.
Kafkaesque doesn't actually refer to body horror, it means nightmarishly bureaucratic, but whatever.
Oh, yeah, whatever Mr.
I-Know-Big-Words.
- Riddle me this where's the G-spot? - Irrelevant.
You're just jealous cos Lex likes me more than you.
You're kidding yourself.
She's out of your league.
The closest you've ever come to a girlfriend - is "Rosie Palm" and her five friends.
- Oh, yeah? Well, at least I don't have genital warts, and I never will because I've had the HPV vaccine.
I mean, I don't have genital warts either, um, any anymore.
That's it.
I'm done here.
I'll just tell Marsh it's over and then, so long, solo career.
Go and say goodbye to your eight million girlfriends, we're leaving.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? Oh, you were right, Josh.
I've lost it.
I don't have sex appeal any more.
I'm like Freddie Prinze Jr.
after Scooby-Doo.
And now I've got to watch my nerd nephew rise to the top of the mountain while I get put out to pasture.
And now it's cardigans and prunes from here on out.
Oh, shut it, I said the song had no sex appeal, not you, you numpty.
I think you're sexy as fuck.
Really? You're not just blowing smoke? I would like to blow something.
I mean, you're a bit on the young side for me, but I love a good DILF.
- Well, I'm not actually a dad - Whatever.
You can be my daddy any time.
Just count yourself lucky that I am taken.
- Cos you're dating Lex, right? - No, wrong team.
She's just a bestie.
See you around, hot stuff.
Woof.
Woof.
Baby girl I've been watching you Something strange is happening I feel it deep inside Oooh Never been so vulnerable You've left me open wide Every time your name comes up this jackal tries to hide Oooh When I saw you kissing Something deep within me died I've been going crazy girl I've nearly lost my mind Green-eyed In fact, I'm past insanity So nearly is too kind Oooh Your picture's on the internet It wasn't hard to find Didn't see it coming cos this green eye's made me blind Green-eyed monster Work your body Work, work your body Oooh Watching you across the room Green-eyed monster Work your body Work, work your body Oooh Watching you across the room Ah, ah, yeah I went to the doctor With a green-eyed monster Said she could handle it What did she say? But it's going to cost ya I've given up on food and sleep I don't know what to do Who are all these assholes stood before me in the queue? It isn't paranoia if it turns out to be true You've told me it was over now you've left me feeling Green-eyed monster Ye-ea-ah I've been paying for my sins Ye-ea-ah Green-eyed monster never wins Green-eyed monster Ye-ea-ah I've been trying everything Ye-ea-ah I've been going through your bins.
Green eyes as a metaphor for jealousy.
Clever.
Josh, verdict.
It'll get nuns pregnant.
Welcome to the dark side.
You've just written your first boy-band song.
Well, couldn't have done it without you.
I think I have a new-found respect for what Zayn went through.
Teenage girls can be scarier than the Zika virus.
- Oh, my God! - Ladies, not now.
Errol, can you step aside? Yeah, you're blocking our view of Josh.
Well, time to get to work.
- You guys staying for the showcase? - I got to get home, laundry night.
Errol might stay, though.
Lex, I have no artistry in this area, but here goes.
I dig you, and, uh, what do you think of younger guys? I'm going to be legal in a few months, anyway.
You're not ready for a woman in her 20s.
But I'm mature for my age.
Look, you're very cute, and I love your T-shirt, but I need a guy who remembers before Facebook was invented, and you need a nice person closer to your age.
You feel me? Uncle Andy, wait, wait, wait.
What happened with Lex? I just remembered it's the Countdown finals tonight.
I love watching Rachel Riley bash out those vowels.
Get it? Bash out.
Because it's a masturbation joke.
I get it.
Actually that reminds me - Those should keep you busy for a while.
- Thank you.
And we should probably make a rule to, uh, not fight over the same girl again.
- There was no contest.
Trust me.
- If you say so.
What's in the box? - Oh, it's just Uncle Andy's old porn mags.
- Oh.
So, how did the three-egging go? Not sure yet, I only just put the batter in.
Uh, oh, I must've come I'm going to go.
Hey, long time, no chat.
How's it going? - This Andy King? - Yeah.
Your friend left her phone in the back of my cab.
You're top of her favourites.
Really? Where do you live? I'll drop it off.
You're going to drop it off.
What, from New York? Do I sound like I'm in New York? Your friend left her phone in my black cab.
She's in London, mate.