Up The Women (2013) Episode Scripts

Bowls

1 Nana was a suffragette Never thought to fail Nana was a suffragette Spent the night in jail Singing, "Votes for women Is just a beginning "You haven't seen anything yet" Oh, Nana was a suffragette.
Today, the Banbury Intricate Craft Circle Politely Requests Women's Suffrage - that's us - is to take inspiration from our dear sister in suffrage, Annie Smith Peck, who at the tender age of 61 has just made the summit of Mount Coropuna in Peru, where she planted a flag.
And do you know what was on that flag? "Help! I'm exhausted"? "I won't be doing that again.
" "Votes For Women".
Yes, Emily, well done.
Are we going to climb a mountain, Margaret? In a way, yes, Emily.
We are to trek across the foothills of ignorance to ascend the slopes of injustice till we reach the summit of equality.
And do you know what we will find on that summit? A flag with "Votes For Women" on it, you just told us.
No, no.
No, a bowling green.
Since the dawn of bowls, no women have been permitted to play or spectate in this country.
So we are to take a stand, for sporting women and for suffrage, by distributing an uncompromising leaflet at the international bowling tournament that is to take place here, in Banbury.
I know! Father is the captain, the chairman and the treasurer of the team.
Mummy's at home preparing his kit.
- Margaret, how exciting! - I know! Today, the Banbury Chestnuts take on the New Zealand Rams! Ooh, where are they from? New Zealand.
Ooh, where's that? New Zealand.
So I shall take a photograph of you all posing in sporting apparel to include in the leaflet, demonstrating that women are just as capable of sporting prowess as men.
But are they though? Yes.
- But are they? - Yes.
But are they really Eva, is there a specific sport that you think that women just cannot physically do? Hmm All of them.
But why, Eva, what reason? Well, because of their You know, their Their flibberty dingdongs! There, you made me say it.
In my day, we just used to strap down our dingdongs and play a good game of tag rugger on the gasworks green! But the thing is, Gwen, some people's dingdongs are more Oh, how can I put this delicately? are more bigger than yours.
So how you going to take these photographs without a photographinator? You mean a camera, Eva? - Do I? - Yes! Let me introduce to you my new Kodak camera! Yes, I'm calling her Aletheia, after the Greek goddess of truth.
- Hello, Anthea.
- No, Aletheia, because the camera never lies.
Do you see, Gwen? I had to pawn my South American moth collection in order to raise funds to buy her.
I was particularly sorry to say goodbye to my Venezuelan poodle moth, who was the spit of my husband Osbert.
Hmm! The native tribes of the Americas believed that the camera could steal one's soul.
This one just cost me my moth collection.
Will it steal my soul, Margaret? Cos I'm not sure I could do without it.
I might never again know right from wrong.
Don't be absurd.
How does the camera work then, Margaret? Well, the souls are sucked in here - Margaret! - (MARGARET LAUGHS) No, I'm just joking, Gwen, I'm just joking.
Sorry, I couldn't resist, I couldn't resist.
No, the light enters here, is slowed and refracted by the glass lens, creating a perfect reproduction of whatever it sees.
Have you taken any pictures yet? No, no.
No, not exactly.
I've been too busy digesting this - the operating manual.
(LAUGHS) Read it four times - particularly fascinating section on refracted light and prismatic focus.
This is so exciting! I read all about, in my ladies' quarterlies, how actresses and modéles, they use special greasepaint and powder to make themselves look beautiful.
They call it "the make-up".
Well, no doubt, but we are here to celebrate strength, Eva, not beauty.
Anyway, who here would possess such a thing as greasepaint? Mother says that greasepaint is for common sluts and whores! Whatever that means? Well, a slut is Grandmama! Oh, shall I get my greasepaints and have a little go on Gwen? You'd like that, wouldn't you, Gwen? She'd like that, Margaret.
Ooh, Gwen, I am going to give you what God didn't.
A husband? No, a face.
I've got a face! A better one.
Oh, thank you, Eva! Before you go, Gwen, d'you think you might fetch my basket of sporting accoutrements? I left them in the vestibule.
Will do! And, Emily, will you go in the kitchen and help Thomas with my developing fluids? And, er, Myrtle, I shall talk you through my my camera, it's really, really quite fascinating I was one of Eadweard Muybridge's early models.
So rare to find a man whose intellect and output were equally large.
Gwen, have you seen my hat? Um I'm not sure.
It's white and made of straw.
Oh, yes, with a lovely long feather on it! No feather.
Are you quite all right? Oh, I can't keep this up, Frank.
You're not wearing a hat.
I know, I've lost it.
My umpire's hat.
And I need it for the tournament.
Oh, silly me.
Are you entering a hat tournament? The bowls tournament.
Oh, you're bowling? No, I'm umpiring.
Oh, how exciting.
Yes, I've been longing to "ump" for at least a decade.
Only one man stood in my way and now at last that ump is no more.
Oh, Frank! Did you bump the ump off? Of course not! He slipped on an orange pip and the graze went fatally septic.
He was 89.
Oh, too young! Too young Oh, is this your hat, Frank? Yes! Thank you, Gwen.
Oh, good luck, Frank.
I'm glad you got the ump! (CHORTLES) Oh! - Oh.
- Ah, our sporting accoutrements.
I wonder what this is? Is it a mouthguard? Er, no, it-it-it is a gentleman's guard, but it's not for the mouth, Gwen.
What a funny smell.
Wonder what that is? The fecund musk of winter hellebores poking through the mossy forest floor.
That's exactly right! However did you know? Educated guess.
- I'm here, I'm here.
- MARGARET: Hello, Helen.
Ah! There it is.
Lawrence's box.
I've been looking for that everywhere.
Oh, it's a box! - What d'you put in it? - Whatever you've got.
Thank you, Mother(!) Does one wear a box for bowls? Lawrence is very fastidious about his equipment.
Well, I cannot stay, I'm under extreme pressure preparing Lawrence's sporting whites for the bowls tournament today.
What manner of futility is happening here? Oh, we are hoping to ensure an integral role for women in the future of British bowls.
We are creating a leaflet, which I am calling - "New Women" - question mark, "New Balls" - exclamation mark.
Some of us already have an integral role, Margaret.
For the past ten years, Lawrence's whites have drawn collective gasps of amazement.
Indeed, he has often told me that his success in bowls is largely due to the crispness in his slacks.
Oh! Do I parade my efforts ostentatiously, baying for praise? No, I do not.
I'm content in the knowledge that I'm entirely responsible for the stiffness in my husband's trousers.
Goodbye to you, I have an urgent appointment with a crisping oven.
Goodbye, Helen.
What sort of equipment does Lawrence keep in his box? Whatever it is, it's definitely rusty.
So, how does the enlarger work exactly, Thomas? Ah, yes, Miss Emily.
It, ah Well, it enlargens that which requires enlargening.
Oh.
How awfully clever.
And what sporting pose shall you be striking for the pamphlet? Oh, no.
I do not sport.
I am merely assisting Mrs Unwin in her photographic suffrage endeavours.
Besides which, my ganglions prevent anything more strenuous than the move of a chess piece or the flick of a tiddlywink.
Well, I shall pose like this.
Rarrrgh! Or, like this.
Rarrrgh! Astounding.
Perhaps I might have a copy of the photograph to set upon my tallboy? What are you going to do to me, Eva? Well, what the ladies do in the pictures is they use strong colours to really show off their features.
What are they? Look at me, Gwen.
Oh, sorry.
Should I keep perfectly still? No, look at me.
See, what I've got here are features.
Oh! Have I got any features, Eva? Oh, yes, Gwen.
You have got a lovely personality.
Oh Thank you, Eva.
Now, I'm going to start with the lips.
By making them darker, I can make them seem more less thin.
Will it sting? Oh, no, no, they're all natural ingredients.
See, it says so on the tin.
Oh.
Arsenic, formaldehyde, aluminium, lead.
Gwen, I'm going to make you look beautiful! Oh, when I was a girl, Kenneth Hillingdon invited me out for a promenade, so I begged Mother to allow me a little rouge.
Well, she would not relent, so I dabbed a spot of ammonia on each cheek.
By the time I met Kenneth, my face had puffed up like a red-bellied toad.
Oh, Gwen, how awful! Oh, Kenneth didn't mind.
He loved amphibians.
"A very flat lens projects a large real image, "but the film is only exposed to the middle part of it.
"A rounder lens produces a smaller real image, "so the film surface sees a much wider area of the scene "at a reduced magnification.
" Yes, it's really quite simple.
(SIGHS) Oh, Myrtle, you look splendid! (TOOTS) Tally-ho! Ah, yes, goodness! (CHUCKLES) Done! I've got features! Oh, yes, yes, you certainly have.
Who's next? Er And these are the developing fluids and emulsions and tongs.
If handled incorrectly, the fluids can corrode one's flesh.
How dreadful.
I should hate to have my flesh corroded.
Quite.
It's not a very dark darkroom, Thomas.
No, I have not yet extinguished the overhead light.
I can do that.
Oh How eerie.
I can barely see a thing.
Are you there, Thomas? Yes, yes.
Here I am.
- Are you very frightened? - Oh Yes, Thomas, petrified.
Can you feel? I'm quivering.
(TONGS RATTLE) Oh, Miss Emily! Are you ready to come and be photographed, Emily? Yes.
Coming.
Goodness, it's very dark in here, Thomas.
- Yes, Mrs Unwin, it is a darkroom.
- Ah, yes! Oh, excellent.
Yes, you all look Yes, yes.
Oh, goodness, Gwen! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Yes.
Yes, quite a Quite a fine tableau, so, strike a pose.
Ow! Yes, if you'll hold up the flash gun, Thomas.
Ready? And Nope, nothing's happening.
Hold the pose, ladies.
Higher, Thomas, that's it.
It's probably a perspectival effect So, yeah, if you all shuffle back a bit.
A bit further.
A bit further.
Yes, perhaps too far.
So if you could just come forward again? Split the difference.
Yeah, still holding the pose.
Keep it up, Thomas.
Er, ready? And No, no.
Ah! (LAUGHS) Ah, I see, I see.
And, ready? And No, no, it's not working.
No, the camera's clearly faulty.
- Can we move yet? - Yes, - yes, yes.
- My wrists are failing me, - Mrs Unwin, may I? - Yes, yes, yes, yes.
I'm so sorry, everybody, what a disappointment! I just can't think what's wrong with it.
Thomas, would you have a look? There's perhaps a speck of dust trapped in the mechanism.
- Yes.
- If you'll allow me, Mrs Unwin? Yes, good thought.
Thank you, Thomas.
I wonder if my South American moths are still at the pawnbrokers'? Oh, no, Margaret, they'd have flown away by now.
I'm back, I'm back! Oh, Helen, I thought you were crisping Lawrence's trousers? Yes, I too thought that I would be, that I was.
So why have you come back? When I had retrieved Lawrence's box, I returned home to find his bowling trousers standing in the hallway.
Was he in them? No.
They were quite alone, having been crisped to within an inch of their life by a professional laundress on Neavis Street.
When I attempted a casual enquiry as to why he had decided to send them out, he replied that for a match of this importance he could not risk his trousers in the hands of an amateur.
(GASPS) Helen, what does Lawrence keep in his box? Very little.
Well! Well! Ladies! Well! Oh, Frank, whatever is the matter? It's Mr Umpire to you! How could you have done it? - And how did you get back so fast? - Um I have tended that bowling green, loved it like a child, dressed it, trimmed it, manured it.
Should one do that to a child? My beautiful lawn, sabotaged! Words burnt into the turf.
What words, Frank? "Bowls For Women" in letters three feet big! "Bowls for Women"? Yes, at first we thought it had been done by the Ladies' Ornithological Society, because the "B" in "Bowls" was obscured by a molehill.
Oh, yes, I see.
Oh, ladies, how could you?! Oh, Frank, you don't think we did it, do you? Well, didn't you? No, of course not, Frank.
It must have been the Banbury Free Suffragette Army! Oh, no! Not them again?! Of course.
Mrs Unwin, I'm so sorry.
Yes, how could you think Margaret capable of leading such an action? - Thank you for defending me, Helen.
- I wasn't.
You are not capable.
The BFSA are so wonderfully bad, aren't they? Indeed they are! So very naughty.
Miss Bute, there is nothing wonderful about the Banbury Bowling Green being closed until further notice! Oh, no! Where will all the owls live? HELEN: Oh, dear.
Poor Lawrence won't get to play bowls in his troublesome trousers after all.
Such a pity.
Was he very irritated? Yes, he was most irate, Mrs Bute, which is why I suggested we hold the tournament here instead.
In the church hall? So we will get to see the men playing after all! - Wonderful! - Certainly not.
Your presence would break every rule in the bowls rule book! Well, not every rule, just the one about women not being allowed on the green.
If you're seen on the green, I would never be allowed to ump in Banbury again! So please, ladies, vacate the premises.
Fair enough.
Absolutely not! We have booked this hall and we shall not be moved.
Can I not even persuade you into the kitchen? - No! - Absolutely not! We were here first! I've a fresh batch of scones in the oven.
- Ooh! With jam and cream? - Yes, yes! - Cherry jam? - Yes! (ALL CHATTER HAPPILY) I should like to make it clear that I am only going into the kitchen to take tea, and I shall re-enter the hall if I see fit, as and when it suits me.
Oh, Helen.
It's so good to have you on our side.
I'm not on your side.
I'm doing this to annoy Lawrence.
Thomas, I must fetch some baize.
- You make sure the ladies stay contained.
- Me? But how? (HE LOCKS DOOR) That's how.
No, Frank.
No, Frank! I shall not sanction this, the incarceration of my fellow suffragettes.
For goodness sake! You're not a suffragette.
You're a man.
Technically yes, but first and foremost I am a suffragette.
- I shall play no part in this.
- I'll just take the key with me then.
MARGARET: They've locked the door! Thomas? Frank? They've locked it! HELEN: Outrageous! - GWEN: Which jam, Margaret? - MARGARET: Plum jam, please.
Ladies, fear not! I shall endeavour to liberate you.
Stand back from the door.
EMILY: Thomas, please be careful! (MEN SHOUT IN DISTANCE) MEN: Aaahhh! Ka mate! Ka mate! Ka ora! Ka ora! Ka mate! Ka mate! Ka ora! Ka ora! Tenei Te Tangata Puhuru huru Nana nei tiki mai Whakawhiti te ra! (THEY ROAR) Whoa! Sorry, little fella! Didn't mean to scare ya.
That's just our traditional way of squaring up to the opponents.
It's a very serious Maori ritual that we take very seriously.
Ah! Afternoon, ladies.
Hey! I think we've frightened the Jebeezus out of everyone.
I cannot apologise enough.
How's it going in there? We are the New Zealand Rams.
A very alarming way to say hello.
Well, it's a New Zealand thing.
We call it the Haka.
I'm Hilary and this bloke is Lesley.
Hilary, Lesley.
Oh, please! Hils and Les.
Liz? Nah, Les.
Cos Liz is a girl's name, right? - (THEY CHUCKLE) - Yes, indeed.
Do you think you might help us? We're rather locked in.
Oh, yeah! Can do.
Stand back.
Oh, no, no, I think you'll find that to be im possible.
Thank you! Hey, they don't call us the Rams for nothing.
(HE LAUGHS) Hey, how were you going to play an international bowling tournament if you were all locked in the kitchen? Oh, no Us?! (SHE LAUGHS) No, we're not the Banbury Chestnuts.
Oh, what a funny thought! No, no, no.
That is amusing.
Why is that funny? Well, women are not permitted to play bowls.
Get off the grass! English women aren't allowed to play bowls at all? - Says who? - It's the rules.
- Not in New Zealand.
- Yeah.
Women can pretty much do whatever sport they like.
- Yeah.
Bowls.
- Cricket.
- Rugby.
- Wrestling.
Farming.
In New Zealand, everyone mucks in.
That's why women have had the vote since 1883.
- (GASPS OF ASTONISHMENT) - MARGARET: Really? Really? I had no idea! Gosh, so every woman in New Zealand can vote? Well, the poor old Maori girls, they had to wait until 1893.
But who could forget Meri Mangakahia's moving appeal to parliament? "E whakamoemiti atu ana ahau kinga honore mema e noho nei, "kia ora koutou katoa.
" Very moving.
- Well, that's just the introduction.
- Basically, it just means, "Guys, stop mucking around and give us the bloomin' vote.
" Oh, pardon my Maori.
How inspiring that you have granted women equal status in your visionary new world.
Indeed it is.
Now, go and make us a cup of tea.
- (THEY LAUGH HEARTILY) - Oh! Ha! - Nah.
He's kidding.
- I'm kidding! I'd really like a cup of tea, though.
Could I make it, Margaret? Yes, yes.
- Yeah! You beaut.
- Oh, no.
Me Gwen.
So, will you join us? Take tea with us? This way! Oh, Hils.
I never thought in my lifetime that I should meet men who would truly, unreservedly respect us as equals.
Me.
I respect women.
You have met me.
- Yes, we are, in fact, a suffrage group.
- Great! Yes.
Hoping to create a leaflet celebrating women's sporting prowess, but alas, our camera seems to have broken.
This is a nice piece.
Hey, I'm a keen snapper myself.
Yes, I think it might be the adjustable meniscus.
I could find no fault.
I thought perhaps I might take it apart and then put it back together again.
Yeah.
Or you could take the lens cap off.
- Ah.
- Yes.
- Lens cap.
- (SHE LAUGHS) Tea up! I don't know about you, Hils, but personally I don't feel comfortable playing a bowls tournament in a society that so undervalues its womenfolk.
Nor me, mate, nor me.
Hey, why don't you join our team as substitutes? Then at least you can watch the tournament.
(SHE LAUGHS HAUGHTILY) While I admire your native wit, there simply isn't the time.
The induction process to join the Banbury Chestnuts consists of a three-part examination, to be placed on a waiting list, to be placed on a short list, to be ratified by a sub-committee, all of which takes approximately three years.
Well, it's an equally draconian system to become a New Zealand Ram, I'm afraid.
Hold up your right hands.
Wave at each other and repeat after me.
"Hi.
I'm a New Zealand Ram.
" (IN NEW ZEALAND ACCENTS) ALL: Hi, I'm a New Zealand Ram.
- Yeah, that's it.
- (SURPRISED TITTERING) Kiergarlhel, girls! Welcome to the Rams.
(ALL CHEER) Frank Are those women on the baize? Yes, I'm sorry.
Good Lord! Is that my wife? And Emily?! Helen knows the rules, it's not like her to bend them.
Technically, Mr Bute, it's above board.
They've been inducted into the New Zealand Rams.
Has the whole world gone entirely mad? No.
Just the world of the Banbury bowls tournament.
This is most out of character.
Helen seemed perfectly equable when I saw her earlier.
Perhaps I shouldn't have had these bags professionally laundered.
Ah! It has rendered them a trifle chafey around the box.
Look at Lawrence.
I hope his trousers snap.
(WHISTLE BLOWS) We're ready to begin.
Would the skippers please step up to the rink? HILARY: Tails.
- Ooh, what are they doing? - Tossing to see who jacks off first.
Rams to bowl first.
(THEY CHEER) Sssh! (WHISTLE BLOWS) This is thrilling! I know! It's utterly, utterly incredible and exciting that we're the first English women ever to witness the drama and elation of an international bowls tournament! ALL: Oo-ooo-oooh! Yes! (COUGHING) Trousers! (WHISTLE BLOWS) - (THEY MURMUR) - Is it over? Well done.
Yes, what a fascinating game, Frank.
Who won? Half-time.
Oh.
Good.
(GENERAL CHATTER) I say, cream tea.
Maybe it's not such a bad thing having you gals along after all.
Oh Ah, good on ya, Gwen.
These sandwiches are brill! - Brill! - Ah, brill.
I'm sorry we're not putting on a better show for ya.
It's taken us six weeks to get here.
We're just used to hundreds of Rams fans cheering us on back home.
Yeah, it's the passion of our followers that really keeps our spirits up.
Without that, we're up the boohai.
We know you're doing your best to support our efforts.
Iffots? Yes, yes, we always support iffots.
FRANK: Gentlemen, resume play.
- Rams and Ramettes, let's get amongst it! - Yes, yes.
I really should help Gwen with the sandwiches and whatnot.
- I, too, must do something.
- Yes, me as well.
- I, also.
- All right, fair enough.
- See ya out there! - Yes, yes.
Yes.
Bowls is not as invigorating as I had expected.
Please don't make us go back and watch.
I think I shall die from dullness.
I do feel, though, we should do something to bolster Hils and Liz as they have bolstered us.
But what? Ladies, I think I have a plan.
Gentlemen, Banbury are nearest the jack.
Rams, your final bowl of the tournament, please.
Ladies Two, three, four.
ALL: Ka mate! Ka mate! Ka ora! Ka ora! Ka mate! Ka mate! Ka ora! Ka ora! Tenei Te Tangata Puhuru huru Nana nei tiki mai Whakawhiti te ra! (THEY ROAR) That's outstanding! Te-bloomin'-riffic! Off the baize, please, ladies.
The Rams have it! - (CHEERING) - (WHISTLE BLOWS) (CHURCH BELL RINGS) (LAUGHS TO HERSELF) I still can't hardly believe we're Rams.
Yes, just think, in merely six weeks' time, our dear friends will be arriving back in New Zealand.
17 million miles away.
Helen, was Mr Bute terribly vexed that the Banbury Chestnuts lost? He was a tad deflated.
But he has vowed never to visit a professional laundress again.
Suffice to say, his trousers are now firmly back in my grasp.
Well, five whole pages covering the bowls tournament and not one mention of the umpire, me.
Oh, never mind, Frank.
Did they not even mention your hat? No.
But look.
HELEN: "Crazed Suffragettes Terrorise Tournament.
" Oh, Margaret.
The Banbury Free Suffragette Army have stolen your thunder again.
No.
They're talking about you ladies.
- You're the crazed suffragettes.
- (THEY GASP) We're in the paper! Ladies, you have proved to the townsfolk and the people of Britain that women can and shall do what men can do, and more.
- But can they, though? - Yes.
Well, now you are all honorary members of an international team, I expect I'll see you next week at the bowls match.
The pitch is fixed.
Oh No, Frank, I'm afraid I'm rather busy returning my camera.
I'm anxious to be reacquainted with my South American moths.
I'm busy indefinitely.
Yes, I'm definitely busy too, definitely busy.
I'm busy crisping! I should rather die, Frank.
I'll come, Frank.
I'll strap the flippety dingdongs down.
Good-oh! Helen, what does Lawrence keep - in his box? - His pen Nana was a suffragette Never thought to fail Nana was a suffragette Spent the night in jail Singing, "Votes for women Is just a beginning "You haven't seen anything yet" Oh, Nana was a suffragette.