Upper Middle Bogan (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Picture Perfect

Come on, come on! Oh, hi! -I've got lupus! -Lupus now? -Do you even know what lupus is?! Uh, you are turning into a werewolf? That's not lupus! Oh, you've got loopy? Don't say that! Increasingly loopy, yeah.
I've got all the symptoms.
-Is one of the symptoms irrational hysteria? God, I need to breathe! -Yeah, breathing.
Breathing is good.
This was a terrible idea, wasn't it? Of course it was.
You don't want them at lunch.
You're like an Ingmar Bergman film.
What does that mean? Long icy silences punctuated by the odd icy glare.
Oh, my God, she's here! Maybe somebody dies.
The two of them are alone together! Why didn't you try and stop me? I did try.
There was a lot of trying.
Do you know what your problem is? You are too supportive.
Hey, that is unfair! I was very unsupportive on this one.
What can they be talking about? -I said at least take them to a restaurant.
Margaret will only do this if it's on her turf.
She needs to be in control.
Bessie, you need to be in control.
OK, bye! Calm and rational.
She brought a main.
-Oh, sorry I'm late! Oh, I'm early.
I'm always early.
Drives Wayne nuts.
It's lasagne.
-Oh, yeah! Homemade.
You shouldn't have.
I didn't want you to do all the work! You shouldn't have! Oh, I look forward to it! It'll take a while to heat up.
Oh, well, good.
Meanwhile, you two must have so much to talk about.
Must we? -Do you know what's funny? Mum's - Margaret's - always early too.
Isn't that funny? You're both always getting to places early, and I'm always running late.
Oh, I don't know who to blame for that one.
Not that I brought you both here to divvy up blame, but by the way - who do I talk to about these thighs? Oh, I don't see how they could be nurture! Oh, Mum, how was that movie that you saw last night? What was it called again, the Israeli one about the soldier? The Soldier.
- The Soldier! Have you seen that one, Julie? Is it in 3D? It's in Hebrew.
Oh, my lot won't watch anything unless it's in 3D, including Wayne, and he can't even see the effect.
He says they need to develop a 3D monocle.
Mum's never seen a 3D movie.
You should take her to one! I'm perfectly happy with two dimensions, thank you very much.
I know what you would love.
Kayne got us a pirated copy of Dirty Dancing! Oh, I haven't seen that since it came out! Dirty Dancing? Sounds delightful (!) Is that with Fred Astaire? I think you know who it's with.
Surely even you were crazy for Swayze.
I think I'd better check something.
Oh, well, while we're waiting, could I have a look at your photo albums? I don't have any -No, no, these ones here.
Those Oh! Those are in a terrible mess.
-Excellent idea.
Oh, Mum, you've already got one.
-I know.
Oh, look at you! Yeah.
Dad? -Mmm? -Could we have a garage sale? I want to raise money for our sponsor child.
Well, I think we already give every month.
You don't wanna spoil them.
His village was destroyed by a flood.
I think we just gave to a flood appeal, didn't we? That was in Pakistan.
Ahmed is in Indonesia.
Oh, well.
Probably carried there by the floods.
-Dad! We don't have enough stuff for a garage sale.
-Oh, and look at you there.
Look, you just look like Brianna there, except for the training wheels.
How old were you there? Ten.
Oh! Still wearing floaties at, um 12.
Oh, honestly, you look exactly like Amber there.
In fact, she had pads like this for, um For what is it - kickboxing? Ballet.
-You know, it's amazing, apart from the pads, the helmet and the harness, that could be Amber.
Mum was very protective.
Could I take these, borrow them for a bit, just to show the family? Oh, I don't think so, because the house insurance requires that they stay here.
Well, she's not going to set fire to them.
Of course you can.
Oh, great, thanks.
I'll just put them in the truck so I don't forget.
A truck? She's putting them in a truck?! Dad, do you still want this? -Yeah.
But you've got two of them.
Edwina! We're not having a garage sale.
We don't have anything to sell.
You've got four pairs of these and five tracksuits.
I need them all.
I've never seen you running.
But the more I have, the more incentive there is to eventually commit to Dad, do you still want that kayak we never used? Again, the fact that it's there is a constant incentive.
If we can't sell that, can we send it to Ahmed? He could really use it to get around his village.
Alright, OK, OK, you can have my toe sneakers.
Have you ever worn these? Well, they don't work, OK, and you're not selling my kayak.
Ahmed should have learned to swim by now anyway.
There we are! Oh! A traditional Vietnamese chicken salad and lasagne.
You can see why those Vietnamese people are so thin.
Thank goodness we've got some carbs.
-Yum! What a great combination.
See? Put you two together, and one plus one equals three.
Is that what seven years private maths tutoring taught you? You've done such a great job, Margaret.
All that mollycoddling has really paid off! Bess! You're not doing that again? What's going on? What's happening? What is it? It's just a bit of anaphylactic shock.
I thought you'd got over that.
Yes, by avoiding peanuts! Why would you use them? You know I I beg your pardon! The salad! You had to show off to Julie with your authentic Vietnamese I didn't use peanuts.
As if I'd be so gauche! It was the lasagne.
I'm really sorry.
I used the New Idea satay lasagne recipe and it has peanut butter in it.
-Oh, my God! It makes a really good thickener for the tomato sauce.
Oh, oh, oh! -Do you want some of this? -I'm so sorry, I had no idea.
No, no! It is my fault.
-No, no, no, it's definitely my fault.
It's not my fault.
Oh, Mum, please! Alright, this is what we're going to do.
We are just going to start lunch all over again.
Thanks, Bess.
Margaret, I really want this to work.
I'll throw out the lasagne.
What are you doing out here? They're showing the 3D version of Titanic on the TV Well, actually, they're showing it in 2D, so it's just Titanic, but it is the 3D version.
I nearly killed her.
She could have died.
Don't worry, you'll get it next time.
I'm only joking, Jules.
I don't really think you'll have another go, come on.
If you'd seen her today, you know, writhing around with her pants pulled down.
How are you supposed to know about allergies? They should send out some sort of a dossier.
We should never have given her up.
-Oh, Jules, we were kids! We had no choice.
Yeah, I know that, it's just Well, look for yourself.
She's had a pretty nice time of it.
And that Vietnamese salad, that sounded really nice.
You know, I don't think she'd have developed that allergy if she'd been living with us.
Oh, Jules, I don't think it works like that.
I don't think allergies are too fussy about where they live.
Yeah, well, why have our kids not got it, then? I mean, we've built them strong, we've built them Peanut-resistant, yeah.
-Yeah, yeah.
I mean, look at that - look.
Yeah, look at 'em.
Mad buggers, yeah.
-Look at this.
Well, yeah.
At least she's health and safety compliant, yeah.
You know, I think she would have been much better off in that photo.
Garage sale? How much do you reckon you'll make? Well, it's not for us.
Aren't you getting a cut? Hey, mate.
What's going on here? Gonna go for the ten grand on funniest home videos.
What's your idea? Bounce on the mini tramp, hit my head on the roof, collapse on the mattress.
Look, I don't wanna tell you how to do things, but do you reckon you could do it without the mattress? Be a whole lot funnier! -Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, cheers, Dad.
-Yeah? So, how much stuff you got? -So much stuff! When you start to look around, you'd be surprised how much can actually go.
Oh, hi.
G'day, sweetie.
-Oh, Mum's in the kitchen.
Your nan's here.
Tell her about the garage sale.
Shawn says to tell you we're having a garage sale.
-Oh, OK.
Julie! -Yeah, hi.
-Hi! Oh! -Hiya.
I see you're having a garage sale.
Yeah, but you didn't have to wrap something up for it.
We're not that posh.
Oh, no, this isn't to sell.
This is -Hey, hey, I'm so glad you're here.
Is there any history of lupus in your - our family? Um, lupus um, I'm not really sure It's an autoimmune disease.
-Are you alright? -I'm sure I'll be fine.
No, no, after the other day.
You haven't had another one of those Opportunities to tear down my pants and stab myself in the arse.
Honestly, I felt so bad.
-No, there's no need.
It's entirely my responsibility.
No, no, I should have checked.
Oh, let's not have a 'my fault' competition, 'cause I can stretch those out for hours.
Yeah, well, I just wish that things could have been, you know Anyway, look, this is for you.
-Oh, really? -Yeah.
Oh, no, you didn't need to do this! -Oh! Yeah, see, it's from when we went on holiday up the Murray.
Oh! Oh, what's What have you done? Well, I scanned you from the album, you see? Yeah, I can see that! I think I'd remember doing this.
I mean, obviously the floaties and the vest should have gone by now, but Brianna hasn't quite mastered Photoshop yet.
Yeah, oh, no, isn't It's really, um Oh! Ah, yes! And you've had it framed, because Oh, it's it's great! -Really? -Oh, no! Yes, it is.
It's really great! What a talented family we are.
Yeah! It was such a fun holiday, you know.
I just I really wish you'd been there.
We would have taught you to water-ski, and Oh, I know you would have, I know! -Yes! Nah, you're getting better.
-Oh, well.
-I'll see you next week.
-See you, Dad.
Yeah? I'll kill you again.
-Not if I kill you first.
Mortal Kombat.
Aren't you forgetting something? -See you, mate.
Child support, you dickhead! -I don't have it this month, Amber.
-This month.
Things are a little tight, alright? Anyway, you'd probably just spend it on shoes.
With steel caps so I could kick you in the head! You and I both know you are too short for that ever to happen.
In the last week, Shawn has had a school excursion, the dentist, new runners.
Who do you think's paid for them? I don't know - Government? Yeah, that's right - the Government! The fucking republic of Amber! You're the one who wanted to split up! -Get a job! Sure! OH, yep, yep.
That'd be the easiest thing in the world, wouldn't it? I could just call bloody BHP, alright, and disappear down some mine and get onto the boom like all the other greedy bastards, but I'd be 1.
000 miles away.
Then what would you be left with? -More money.
I've made a commitment to be here for my family.
-Oh! -Nah, anyway, anyway, I happen to be expecting some money coming through very soon.
Shawn and I have been working on a new source of income.
Mate, did you upload that video? Which one? The You know, the one with the plaster cracking and the cat running through it? Yeah, yeah.
-Money in the bank.
What are you doing with that old shit? Oh, Edwina and Oscar Oh, Edwina and Oscar! Having a garage sale to get money for a sponsor child.
Oh, of course they are.
They can afford to have another kid they've never even met.
It's probably some kind of tax dodge.
-His village has been flooded, Mum.
With money from rich idiots in Melbourne? They don't need this.
If anyone's gonna sell my old crap, it's gonna be me.
It's for the sponsor child.
-I have a sponsor child! His name's Shawn! If they're so charitable, they can send this kid their own money! I think it's cool.
-Fucking footbath! This is weird! -It's sweet! No, it's like what they find when they clean out the serial killer's apartment.
Oh, I think my lupus is kicking in again.
Still with the lupus? I'm inflating like a balloon! You know, I looked up lupus on the Internet this morning.
Yes, I saw that in your recent searches.
You check my recent searches? Yes, I found lupus, paranoid hysteria, and ways to prevent garage sale.
Well, you don't have lupus.
Oh, really? OK, what other medical insights did you manage to Google up? Apparently it's possible to extend my penis by up to 40%.
Well, staring at maximumboobs.
com will do that.
Wow, you've been back into the cache.
You can see what she's saying.
I'm part of the family! Yeah, you've been Photoshopped in.
I like this! Do you? Well, why haven't you hung it up yet? Let's give it a go now.
Let's put it What do you reckon? The artist is attempting to rewrite history.
It's clearly a cry for help.
Stop it.
You should give her some more photos.
We can get a whole exhibition going! Can you take those back to Mum's when you pick up the golf clubs and the plasma? Oh, yeah, OK, and I'll put this on the front lawn as well.
No, don't, give it here.
-No, it's alright.
No I'll put it out there.
Danny, I'm serious no, don't It's fine, it's fine.
Don't muck around with it, Danny, I'm angry! -I'll do it anyway.
Whoa! -Gee, we haven't been back here for a while.
Look, it's the old Nintendo 64.
-We'd have to get 50 bucks for that.
No, Edwina says all the money has to go to the kid.
He's living on a raft.
How cool would that be? Surely we'd have to get a commission or a finder's fee or something.
For finding this old junk? Hey, do not diss GoldenEye.
That is a heritage game.
You used to play video games, Pop? Oh, yeah, I've been known to spend the odd sultry evening in the jungle level with Natalia, yeah.
She's a hottie.
Right, we can't give 'em this stuff.
We should give 'em Reader's Digest condensed books.
Hey! Those are mine! When was the last time you read a condensed book? Look at you three, all busting a gut to raise money for a poor family in Toorak.
Your mum's making an extra effort with that family at the moment.
Sure! It doesn't mean we have to give them all our stuff.
Alright, there's only one way to sort this out - multiplayer.
Oh, don't make me kick your arse in the caverns, Kayne.
I bags Oddjob.
Why are you always Oddjob? He's shorter.
He's harder to hit.
-That's bullshit! -No, it isn't.
This better be a medical emergency.
I am in the middle of a medical emergency.
Come to the house now! There's been a robbery.
-What? -Hasn't there, Brian? -Well One of the photos is missing from the family chronicle, isn't it? Uh Who are you? -He's our new solicitor.
Aren't you, Brian? -Another new one.
Yes, yes.
-Right, so, Julie has stolen the photo.
This is your batty theory.
Whisked it away for who knows what nefarious purpose? She must have left it in the scanner.
-What scanner? -Nothing.
What would she be scanning it for - credit card numbers? What? Jesus, no! I'll get it back to you tomorrow.
No, this is a police matter, isn't it, Brian? Oh, come on! This is how it starts! Identity theft! What? I read a piece in The Age.
How does a photo of me as a They're cunning.
-That would only work if the criminal was a 12-year-old, surely.
They start them young out there.
This is madness! No-one has stolen anything.
Brian, you don't need to get involved.
Good, because you've contributed bugger all! It's like she's deliberately trying to find fault with everything that Julie does.
She's exhausting! -So, what happened to the previous solicitor? I didn't dare ask.
Doesn't take much! She got rid of one of them because he kept calling the Herald Sun 'the currant bun'.
Doesn't like rhyming slang? No, or the Herald Sun.
Oh, hey, the kids want me to take out an ad in the paper for the garage sale.
A classified ad? -No, more like what you'd see for David Jones.
What did you say? -I said straight up, 'I don't think there are papers anymore.
' What about flyers? -Yeah, they've printed about 1.
000 of them, and because I'm, quote, 'at home all day doing nothing, ' they want me to deliver them.
Are you gonna do it? No! Probably just chuck 'em in the creek.
Anyway, I don't know what's gonna be at this garage sale, because all I've even them permission to sell is that old pile of newspapers under the house.
OK, whoa, that pile of newspapers has been in the family for years.
Well, then, they've got nothing.
Stop! Stop! What are you doing? -I'm selling the lawnmower.
It's great.
It looks like it's never been used.
Well, listen Why do we even have it? The man comes and brings his own.
It's incentive It's not the point! It's not for sale.
You said everything on the left-hand side of the garage, I could sell.
I never said ANYTHING like that! I was the 'we're not having a garage sale' guy! Remember that guy? Excuse me! Not for sale, not for sale! -I'm pretty sure that you said 'Let's get everything we own and move it out onto the front lawn'? Is that what I said? Apparently yes! Is that my wallet?! Excuse me.
Thank you.
Not yours.
How much for these? Those are my X-ray You're selling my old medical test results now? Actually, I don't remember bringing those out.
Have you had this looked at? Thank you! Thank you! Ah! Don't worry, she brought the photograph.
Be nice.
-When am I not nice? I'm at a neighbourhood garage sale with a plate of cupcakes.
This is as nice as I've ever been.
-Where did we get this? Oh, it's your mum's.
She's mad for him.
Well, does she know we're getting rid of it? I'm sick of having it in the bedroom.
I've seen her giving it funny looks.
Hello, Julie I've got a couple of pairs of leggings here, but do you want to try them on first? I've never seen you show off those sexy pins of yours.
Go on, try these ones on.
Christ! -Look at this! I've seen one of these in an old movie! This is what they had to use before phones! It's like a tornado full of bullshit hit the place.
This is awesome.
I'd buy it myself.
Well, how about ten bucks? Whoa! Did you steal that? No.
I got it on eBay.
-Why? -It was 59 cents.
-Cool! Last week I went into JB Hifi and I re-priced all the box sets.
-Wow! Then I got all of Buffy for $1.
Really? Yeah, I probably went a bit too low.
-This lamp - again, not for sale! You said anything lying around the house, I could sell! No, I didn't! Don't! Don't do that! This is in pounds.
That's why it was so cheap.
Oh! So, you're asking 400 for this? Yeah.
It's a bit steep, don't you think? Um, it's my grandmother's.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I can see why she's getting rid of it.
These plasmas will be useless in a couple of years.
Tell you what, how about I give you 200? That's fair.
You're joking, aren't you, mate? Excuse me? Are you trying to con a That's called taking advantage of a minor, isn't it? that's a fucking bargain.
Hey, Edwina.
How much does this cost? What the fuck is that? Mum, did you make this? Are you selling it? No, we most certainly are not! What on earth Give that here! Who told you that you could sell this? The same person who said you could sell my passport?! You said! Again, I said! Did you? -What? No! -I thought you were joking Why would I say to sell that? What sort of mental case would buy it? What in Hades is that That is my picture! No, no, it's my picture.
-What is my picture doing inside that picture.
Because it's something lovely that Julie made.
It's like decoupage, but more family based.
Is that why you stole my picture? Sorry, 'stole'? How dare you insert her into this absurd scenario! She wasn't here being dragged behind a boat.
She was holidaying at the Four Seasons in Fiji with me! I would never allow her to do this.
Thank God she's got floaties on.
Yeah, well, you wouldn't allow her to do anything, would you? Excuse me? -Maybe if you hadn't wrapped her up in cotton wool the way you did, she wouldn't have all the problems she's got now! I did not wrap her up in cotton wool.
What a revolting suggestion! Yeah, you did! You protected her from everything! You rugged her up against reality so that she's completely She is not! -She didn't say anything.
I'm completely? -She's completely smothered! You have smothered her! Suffocate plus mother equals smother! You held a pillow down over her childhood and you bloody sat on it! Well, at least I didn't give her away.
You bi Oh! Oh, shit! Oh, my God, sorry, mate! I'm sorry! Can we stop this, please? Bess, look If this is going to work, you are going to have to accept that this overprotective and sometimes terrifying woman is my mother.
She brought me up very carefully, and we never went waterskiing, and no amount of wishing or Photoshopping is going to change that.
And you - you are going to have to accept that this kind, well-meaning nut is also my mother, and she's not just part of my life now, she's part of yours too! And this picture, this ridiculous, well-intentioned fantasy, is worth more to me than ã25.
Mum, keep going.
You're getting a really good crowd.
Alright, everybody in.
In, in, in, in, in.
Now, smile.
Everyone smile! Cheesy, cheesy, cheesy.
Amber, smile! One, two Big smiles! Three! Oh, yeah! Whoo-hoo! -Good girl.
What about you, Bree? I'll Photoshop me in.