Upper Middle Bogan (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Behind You!

Dad, I'll drive.
I'm on it, mate.
Mum said you weren't supposed to Hey, Amber! I had an interesting phone call last night.
How's this for a spooky coincidence - last night, you get an interesting phone call, this morning, I don't give a fuck.
It's about a second engine for the dragster.
That's my department.
I wasn't going to say anything because it's not a done deal, but I'm pretty sure I got a sponsor.
Did you tell World Vision we live in Zambia? I'm not saying.
I don't want to jinx it.
I'll know within the next 24 hours.
You may have underestimated your little brother.
I could never do that, Dad.
Come on, mate, we're late.
No, you're not supposed to drive.
If you've nearly got this sponsor over the line, it's time to play your trump card - Wayne Wheeler.
Lock 'em down and close the deal.
I want to do it myself.
Remember that Team Wheeler Bloody hell! Where did you get your licence? Sorry.
I didn't see you.
I've got right of way.
Can you read the street signs? It's all the same with you lot.
Easy, mate.
He's only got one eye.
That's got nothing to do with it.
You can't be expected to see everything.
Why are you driving with one eye? I'm driving with two eyes.
One just happens to be glass.
Are you sure it's just the one? Everything OK? Fine, babe.
Kayne, don't show your licence until he shows his.
I wasn't driving.
Oh, not again.
Got any Windex? His glass eye needs a clean.
Good one.
Where is that music coming from? My iPad.
I thought it might be relaxing.
We're not here to relax, we're here to remove a polyp.
If I want to relax I'll take Are you sending emails? They are work-related.
So is the patient.
He'll be out for hours.
When it's a long procedure I require silence while I perform.
Of course.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't realise that sending emails would be so noisy.
Any chance you could put yourself to sleep for the next couple of hours? Oh.
After reversing down the driveway at approximately 5km an hour Correct.
Did you check for oncoming traffic? I would have.
Did you? Definitely would have.
I can confirm that, Constable.
You said you didn't come out until you heard the collision.
I can confirm that he would have, though.
I'd better hot-foot it work.
I wouldn't hot-foot, obviously.
I'd drive very carefully.
Why do you think you didn't see Mr Lin's car? He must have been fanging it.
Came out of nowhere.
Any health issues that might impair your ability to drive? Can I ask what happened to your eye? He lost it in an accident.
A car accident? Yeah.
I say no, she says yes.
I'm a little bit country, she's a little bit rock'n'roll.
Have you informed VicRoads? I would have.
You'll have to sit a driving test so we can make sure you're fit to drive.
You're joking! I'll talk to Mr Lin, make sure we don't pursue the dangerous-driving charge.
Thank you so much.
We really appreciate it.
He doesn't know what dangerous driving is! turn up to Calder Park to see someone reverse out of a driveway.
I reckon we could sell a few tickets.
What's that supposed to mean? The bin, the letterbox, the fence - you hit something every time you leave.
Why don't you tell your new best friend? 'Thank you, Constable Miklis.
We appreciate it, Constable Miklis.
' He's making me do a bloody driving test.
Because something's wrong, Wayne.
I'll tell you what's wrong - that you're on his side.
I can't believe you're not behind me on this.
You'd run me over.
Sweetie, you're just not driving like you used to.
Well, who makes the decision about the You want to see me? Thank you.
All the way, thanks.
I've been in surgery with her this morning, and she is not St Leonards material.
The woman's a misfit.
I don't want her in my team.
Do you understand? Dr Denyar? Sit down, if you can without rupturing anyone's artery.
I'm an anaesthetist, not a surgeon, so I can't rupture someone's artery.
I would be more likely to over-administer anaesthetic.
I'm sure you would.
I have some rather disturbing news.
The team for this year's inter-charity golf challenge has been selected by the board of governors, and I'm sorry to tell you that you have been selected to play.
Golf! Golf? It's traditional in a golf tournament.
You'll be making up the fourth for St Leonards.
I don't play golf.
I told you the news was disturbing.
I can't play.
Try telling that to the board.
No, I mean, I'm no good.
That doesn't seem to preclude you from being a doctor.
If we don't have you, we don't have a foursome.
If we don't have a foursome, we don't have a team.
If we don't have a team, we can't beat the Mercy.
If we don't beat the Mercy? I will preclude you from being a doctor, at St Leonards, at least.
Wayne Wheeler.
Who would have thunk it? I'm giving a driving test to Wayne Wheeler.
I don't want you to feel intimidated because you're testing someone who's made their name driving at over 500km/h.
Not around here.
Too many bloody schools.
Imagine how many demerit points you'd get for doing 500 in a 40 zone.
You are a piece of work.
My mates are not going to believe this.
Could I just get one more picture? That is a beauty.
I'll get you to pull up next to this space up ahead.
No worries.
And reverse into this space next, mate.
Really? Seen one reverse park, seen 'em all, eh, Barry? You want to open this baby up on the freeway? Yeah, good one.
Well, no.
I have to see the reverse park.
Seriously? This is Wayne Wheeler you're talking to.
I know! I can't believe it.
But I do have to tick the old box.
No worries.
Don't worry about it.
You drive.
I can't believe he was still taking photos of you after he failed you.
Dad! Good driving, dickhead.
Dad, don't! Don't, Dad! Oh, my God! Open the window.
Drivers like you You might want to take the wheels off before you paint it.
Why? Really? Why? Don't try and hit it so hard.
DON'T try and hit it so hard.
Don't try and hit it so hard.
What am I doing wrong, Danny, apart from working at that snooty hospital with Lord Voldemort? Why do I stay there? You enjoy holidays in Europe.
Thank you.
I'd forgotten.
Tell him to stick his golf.
It's alright for you, Mr Underpants, sitting around all day, answering to no-one except the voice in your head that says, 'Will I have tuna or zucchini?' You're right.
I can see how this is all my fault.
I tried to tell him I can't play and it didn't work.
He's very mean and scary.
What are you mm-ing for? I hate it when you mm me.
I think this Widdicombe bloke might remind you of someone else who's mean and scary.
Lord Voldemort.
She already said that.
Your father.
Not Wayne, the other one.
I know, and he was not that mean and scary.
He made Margaret look like Dumbledore? There you go.
This has gone to a whole new level of yuck.
Widdicombe is my dad? You can't stand up to him because you couldn't stand up to your father.
You've been watching that Freud biopic again.
You can pick up so much in 90 minutes.
That's all very helpful, Admiral Underpants.
What would more helpful is if you could show me how to hit this bloody ball.
Have you ever seen one of these? What's that? This is going to change your game.
Loosen the knees.
Look where you're aiming.
And Oh, ow! Oscar! Danny! You OK? Poor Oscar.
You can read the word 'Nike' on his coccyx.
I think I saw the swoosh.
It did give me an idea.
Get him to streak at the Masters, then hit them up for sponsorship? I looked into it and guess what.
In case of illness or injury, an immediate family member can step in.
Forget it.
You play golf.
I have golf clubs.
Totally different thing.
PS - you're not ill.
Actually, I think I am.
What are the symptoms of scurvy? I think that is gum disease.
And fever and having a parrot on your shoulder.
What about this? And a velcro leg cast helps scurvy how? Ow! My sprained ankle is really hurting.
Your hypochondria has turned into actual lying.
You're like a mental-health study.
I'm not playing in that team.
Neither am I.
My bum hurts.
So he's out.
OK, everyone, I'm ready.
You OK, Pop? Yeah.
Come here, you little terror.
Come with me so I know you're not getting into any trouble.
Are we ready? Where's Amber? Your eye looks really sore, love.
Looks like it's gotten worse.
It's absolutely perfect, thanks, Amber.
I'm glad you think it's funny.
When I drive, I have horn rights.
You want horn rights, you drive.
Don't disrespect my horn rights.
Alright, Team Wheeler.
Are those my sheets? For fuck's sake! Sheet disappointment to one side.
Today is a very important day for Team Wheeler.
Today is the day, right now, when I announce the announcement of a new sponsor of Team Wheeler of which the name I will reveal now.
Is it a public speakers' bureau? -You're doing fine, sweetie.
Here is the new sponsor, of which I believe will get us our second engine and make Team Wheeler the number-one, top fuel-dragster racing team in Australia.
Tada! Can you just.
Tada! How about that? How good is that? Do you love it? Nanny Margaret's here! Hi, Mum.
Hello, darling.
Hello, Danny.
Isn't it nice to see you in pants? That smells divine.
Would you like to stay for dinner, Margaret? That's very kind, particularly as I'd already been invited.
Didn't I tell you? I can always warm up a tin of soup.
I think there is only exactly enough for four.
Dad! I'm kidding.
Set a place.
Nanny Margaret, would you like to see my bum? You're not going to squeeze the cheeks together and pretend it's talking? No! Has he done that before? I saw it on the internet.
Is that a tick? It's a swoosh.
Did the Wheelers give this child a tattoo? No, Danny hit him with a golf ball.
Did you not finish your homework again? It was an accident.
Hitting children went out of fashion about 50 years ago.
About the time everybody started taking drugs.
That's a connection I hadn't made.
Mum, I've got a favour to ask you.
The hospital has an annual charity golf contest.
I'm obliged to play, but I can't.
Until today, I'd never held a golf iron.
But if I'm sick or injured Healthy! A member of my family can Absolutely not.
Thanks for not dismissing that straight out of hand.
I'm diabetic.
I can't walk the 18 holes anymore.
Imagine how much food I'd have to get through to get around the course.
I'm happy to do you a degustation.
Besides, I detest golf with every fibre of my being.
You used to play with Dad.
There are several things I used to do with your father.
It doesn't mean I enjoyed them.
What things? Scrabble? You don't get it, do you, Mum? Just get rid of it, Kayne.
Pole Position.
It's perfect.
She's on a pole, plus, you know - pole position.
I don't think you get it.
We get it, that's how we know it's shit.
I don't want to drive a car with a naked woman on it.
At Team Wheeler She's just a dancer.
Michael Flatley is a dancer and I've never seen him on a pole in his underpants.
That's because Irish dancers can't use their arms.
He'd keep sliding onto the floor.
This is $75,000 that I'm peeling off.
Can I have it? Hey! I collect stickers.
We need twice that much.
Have you signed anything? No.
Good boy.
He's almost killed our chance to get a second engine.
Kayne will tell them the deal's off.
No deal.
He's never been involved in corporate sponsorship before.
He's moved out of his area of expertise.
Fucking short trip that would be.
From now on, we'll do sponsorship deals together.
No way! No offence, but you are shithouse at it.
None taken.
Can we agree to leave financial matters, including sponsorship, with the one person who's trained to deal with it? Training and natural pizzazz are two different things.
What about me? Amber is right.
She's in the best position to talk to people.
She speaks the same language.
A slightly filthier version, of course.
Fair enough.
But over here if you need public relations.
I've seen how you relate to the public, and it ends with you getting punched in the face.
Hello! Can I remind you that beggars can't be choosers? We have a sponsor already waiting in Pole Position.
Kayne, enough.
Go and put some chicken on the barbie now.
I can do it.
I'm not an invalid.
Your eye's not looking good.
I know how to barbecue bloody chicken.
Scrape the burned bits off, it's good as gold.
Be easier cooking it if I could have seen it.
Be easier eating it if I couldn't.
Children are starving in Africa, Amber.
Children are starving here.
Kayne seems to be enjoying it.
I'm going to have to give back Eww! It's raw in the middle.
I think I brought most of it up.
Sorry, mate.
You alright, sweetie? Why didn't you say you couldn't see the chicken? You nearly killed us.
You would have said there's no way I can take the driving test again.
Well, there IS no way.
You can't.
If you can't see a piece of chicken one foot in front of you, how can you drive a car? I don't think that's one of the tests.
It wasn't when I went for my licence.
My long vision is fine.
You should have cooked the chicken from the neighbour's backyard.
Mum, please stop talking about chicken! What have you got there? Just to clear my eye.
Can I have a look? Babe, this is Shawn's from three years ago when he had conjunctivitis.
No wonder you're blind.
I'm not blind.
Half blind.
So what? So what? I'm not allowed to drive.
I know it hurts, but you're going to have to suck it up.
Wayne! Oh, Bess.
Thanks so much for seeing me.
Is everything alright? Yeah, of course.
Is there somewhere we could talk in private? This is all very nice.
Top-quality fittings in here.
The couch has springiness to it.
That's always a sign of luxury - springiness.
I'm not afraid to spend a few dollars on the old derriere.
Is there something wrong? No.
Oh, you mean this? You should have seen the other bloke.
Only joking.
I didn't hit anyone.
It's all good.
I'm sorry to hear about your licence.
Julie told me.
She told you? She shouldn't have.
Just a temporary set-back.
Bit of a mix-up.
The cops have got a problem with me driving with one eye.
Do you have a problem with driving? Good as gold.
Reversing is a bit tricky, but looking straight on is fine.
I've got no problem playing golf, shooting, go-karting.
Go on.
Because of the reversing issue, I'd like to talk to you about getting an eye transplant.
I'm guessing they're expensive.
I was wondering whether you knew an eye surgeon up for a contra deal - air conditioning or a pit tour on race day.
There's no such thing as an eye transplant.
There's a corneal transplant.
That'll do.
But you don't have a cornea.
I thought I saw something on TV about an eye transplant or implant or Cochlear implant? That's it.
That's for ears.
Oh! I'd have a cochlear but not cochleye.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry if Dr Denyar has failed to explain hospital procedure, but this is the doctors' common room.
Patients not permitted.
I'm not a patient.
What concerns me is that you're not a doctor.
I never had the grades.
Dr Denyar is welcome to continue your conversation in the cafeteria.
It's alright, Mr Widdicombe.
'Mister!' You're not a doctor either.
Wayne is my guest.
This isn't the Qantas lounge.
You can't just bring a guest.
Of course not.
Otherwise there'd be that announcement - 'Your family's holding up the plane.
' That only happened once.
Maybe you should go, Wayne.
I'm due back in theatre.
I'll pray for the patient.
That was uncalled for.
You obviously haven't seen her in surgery.
The line was back there, and I reckon you hopped right over it.
I'm calling security.
-There's no need.
It's OK, Wayne.
Do you want me to take this guy out? -No, it's fine.
I've seen his weak spot.
Guys like that - kidneys.
No, Wayne.
Honestly, I don't need you.
Yeah, OK.
No worries.
I'll go.
I'll walk you out.
I've taken enough of your time.
Oh, Wayne.
I caught you.
Is that your bike? No, it's Shawn's.
I thought it would be quicker than the train.
The train might have more leg room though.
He had no right to speak to you like that.
What about you? I know.
I'm pathetic.
He's a bully.
I can't stand up to him.
If you could stand up to him, he wouldn't be a bully.
-You weren't afraid of him.
What's the first thing you need to understand about bullies? They're very mean.
But also, they're cowards.
Best thing you can do - show them who's boss.
He IS my boss.
Not technically.
The hospital employs us both.
But he could What? He's always threatening to stop me from working here.
Blustering nonsense.
-You're right.
I know I'll go back in and be a scaredy-cat.
Can't you stay here with me all the time? I can check my schedule.
Oh! What? Um I had an idea but it's stupid.
You're busy with the family and the dragster.
Incredibly busy, but is there something you need? As you can see for yourself, I'm perfectly capable behind the wheel.
Hey! Oh, there they are.
What? Oh! Ah, behind us.
Is that OK? Yeah.
G'day, Mr Widdicombe.
What's going on? Wayne Wheeler.
You asked me to leave the staffroom.
If this is payback, I can always call security again.
There are cameras here, you know.
-I've sprained my ankle pretty badly, so Can't play.
Wayne's going to fill in for me.
Dr Denyar, only a family member can play in the event of injury.
We'll be disqualified.
Wayne's my father.
She's had the DNA test.
I don't blame her.
Dr Denyar, this is deeply unacceptable.
Aside from the rules of competition, there is the not-small matter of this club having standards.
The man is wearing denim jeans, for God's sake.
Bit of shush! Who's got spare pants? No, I don't think we'll bother with the spare pants.
He can't play in denim.
-He can't play at all.
This club's got standards.
I'm sure everyone would be prepared to overlook some lesser Lesser what? Lesser standards, is that it? I am struggling to see how anyone can have lesser standards than you, Mr Widdicombe.
Last time I checked, standards included not being a bully.
That's right! You're a bully and a coward.
You are frightened of my father because he strong in here.
Not because of the stupid pants he's wearing but because he's a real man with real standards that don't belong on this golf course.
Come on, let's go.
-But the tournament! We'll lose to the Mercy.
Dr Denyar! -Firstly, that was terrific.
Secondly, the golf cart is that way.
Thirdly, the leg.
I can't go back past them.
I might vomit.
Mr Wheeler, please! We need you.
-I wouldn't mind having a crack.
You want to play him after the way he just treated you? It's not about him.
-Mr Wheeler, I'm sorry.
-He's actually begging now.
Suddenly, this seems like fun.
Mum, wait! Don't make me take this stuff back.
I'm sorry, Kayne.
It's a really good deal.
They're like us - a family business.
Who will told you that? Carlos, the manager.
He said it was run by the family.
What am I going to say? 'We don't want your sponsorship because my mum reckons it's a crack-house brothel? Yeah.
It's just a men's club.
What was that men's club Uncle Lloyd was involved with? The Freemasons.
It's like the Freemasons with pole dancers.
I know exactly what this kind of place is like.
I know exactly what goes on in there.
Oi! Get your hand off the I can play music in surgery? Yeah.
I can send emails whenever I want? Yep.
And I can talk? -Yes.
No pressure, Wayne.
We're four strokes up.
I can already taste the trophy on my lips.
Just get the bloody thing in.
One more thing - you will never humiliate me or anyone at the hospital again.
Yes, yes.
OK, Wayne, go for it.
Too wide.
Oh! God! -I can't see.
I'm on the wrong side.
I can't get the angle right.
Oh! So what? We never would have got this close to winning if it wasn't for you.
Who cares if you miss it? It doesn't matter.
It does.
You know where the ball is.
You know where the hole is.
He's only got one more chance! Ssh! It doesn't matter if you can't keep your eye on it.
You don't need to.
Let me remind you - if we lose, your life will not be worth My God, be quiet! Right.
You are a disaster! I can't watch.
You know exactly where you need to hit it, don't you? Yep.
Oh, God! You hit him in the bum! -My arse! I was going for the kidneys.
Bloody eye.
Wayne, again, I'd really like to apologise about last time.
The boys could not believe it when I failed you.
No worries.
Really? That's great, because I have to ask you to reverse park again.
Just up here, thanks, mate.
Whenever you're ready, Wayne.
My daughter, the doctor, she's done some research into monocular vision, one eye.
Turns out there's some basic stuff you can get to help.
Where's your camera?