Upper Middle Bogan (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Nationals

Your destination is on your left in 300m.
Your destination is on your left in 100m.
Your destination is on your left.
You have arrived at your destination.
Danny, stop! Can't you at least try and change your attitude about being here? This is exquisite! Where are the other bedrooms? They have sold themselves short at 1.
5 stars! I booked a family suite.
Oh! Bags the double bed! Hey! Oh! Margaret, doesn't an iron usually warrant two stars? Here we are, folks.
Full-cream instead of that long-life stuff.
Little luxury, eh? Yes, very little.
I'm sorry, I think there's been a mistake.
I actually booked the family suite.
Well, this is the family suite.
Double Oops! Uh, single, single.
Ta-da and ta-da! Clever design, isn't it? -No.
Bags the folding bed! We'll pay for any damages.
For quite some time, I imagine.
Look, we can't all sleep in this room.
-Are there more of you to come? No, this would just bring us much closer together than we actually are.
Unfortunately, we're all booked out for the race.
Excuse me, could I trouble you to order me a taxi? I'm not sure if Jim's working today.
Where do you want to go? Sydney or Melbourne, whichever is closer.
The other little luxury is how close we are to the racetrack.
Have you seen the Bananas? There you go, there you go.
There you go! Go, go, go! It's the Bananas! Dad! Bloody don't! We need a new plug! I haven't finished my tune! Shut up! You're spoiling the sponsorship function.
Hi! Is this a function? Yeah! Whoo-hoo! Mum, up you get.
Your blood sugar level's through the roof.
You need to go for a walk while Danny and I go to the track.
I'm not going for a walk here.
I've seen the ads for Snowtown.
Oh, your movie club didn't choose to see that one, Margaret? -Yuck! Would it kill the Australian film industry to make something happy with Geoffrey Rush in the Barossa Valley? I thought you were coming with me to the pits.
-I'm pretty sure this is them.
Hey, Margaret, did you want the other half of the complimentary biscuit? Uh! Her blood sugar levels are high enough.
If you really don't want to come with me, then maybe you can help Margaret by taking her for a walk.
There is a very interesting banana plantation down the road that I think you might like.
You love bananas! You know, I'm so happy here with my bar dogs, so Are you gonna sulk the whole weekend? Other than the drive home, yes.
Are you gonna forget that this weekend is our anniversary? -I haven't.
It was supposed to be the two of us in the Blue Mountains, not the five of us in the Thistle-dome Motel! It's actually pronounced, 'This'll do me.
' It hasn't so far.
We can go to the Blue Mountains another time, but the national finals are on this weekend.
Why can't we all just enjoy this An ant! An ant! What happened? I think he suddenly realised where he was.
Sorry, it's OK.
He's fine.
You're fine.
No, I'm not! It was a bull ant! -No, it wasn't -And it bit me! -No, it didn't! Oh, no, it probably did.
I've been meaning to get to that nest for a while.
I'll get the Stingose.
And some more milk, perhaps.
Enjoy the pits?! I'm not! How about I square you up for this later in the weekend? I can't give you credit, Amber.
Get those sparks as well.
Hey! Can't you just root him like last year? Can't you just tune the fucking car without spending money all the time?! Jesus! Credit? Yes.
Those bull ants can be nasty.
Oh, I put some antiseptic on it.
Did you suck the venom out? We don't do that anymore.
It can actually poison the person doing the sucking.
Don't tell Kayne.
It's one of his favourite jobs on holiday.
He likes to do it for all of us.
I won't.
Whoo-hoo! Who's best of the bunch? New season bananas! I am so excited to be here and see you race tomorrow.
What? -I'm so excited to see you race! I don't think I can handle another minute of this! Wayne! Wayne! Kayne told you to stop! Wayne! Cut it! Cut it! I am carrying an injury.
-Go, serve! Can we just test your blood sugar again? -It's still too high.
I can feel it.
Edwina, check this.
They've got merch.
They're full-on celebs.
Hey, I didn't know Shell was a sponsor.
They're not.
People just love their jackets to be chockers with logos.
So, you're using them without permission? I found it on the Internet.
Doesn't mean you can use them! The Internet is public, Edwina.
It belongs to everyone.
Are you mental, or just pretending to be mental? I'm gonna buy this T-shirt as well, Shawn.
Jaguar, Emirate Airlines, the Rolling Stones? Do you think U2'll be better? You can't just steal this! Oh, and you bought every song on your iPhone, did you? Yes.
Oh, that'd be right.
How does obeying the law make me a snob? Anyway, didn't I see a big fat banana sticker on your car? Yeah, new season bananas - latest sponsor.
Then why aren't you promoting them? Why do you think? Brianna's chucking inflatable bananas at the fans.
They are a bitch to blow up, though.
Grandad blew so hard, his glass eye popped out.
It's Can you at least look out for it? He hates the patch.
So, you're giving your actual sponsor's merchandise away for free, and you're giving your fictitious sponsor free advertising on your jackets? Yeah.
Wicked! How much? I didn't root the sales guy last year.
I'm just going by what Mum said! We had a few Jagermeister shots, I got a bit booby, that's it! Did Mum also mention I got 40% off the fucking clutch last year? God, Dad's a show-off! -We studied it in Health and Human Relations.
There are ethical ways to make money.
-Boring! OK, you need to decide between wearing that hat and breathing with your mouth open.
If you really wanna make money this weekend, you have to think about customer demand while maximising the potential of your new sponsor.
I told you to stop, Kayne told you to stop, but you couldn't help showing off, could you? My God, Dad! -Get the fans on side for when you race.
You're doing it all for me, are you? Yes, and and new season bananas! Kayne! Speak now.
You broke a rod! Dad! -Ow! -Amber, not in front of the fans.
Are you trying to sabotage this race? Why would I do that? Because it's the nationals, and you can't race because of your stupid bung eye, and you've got the sulks because you can't bear watching me race! Arggh! That's not true at all - and also, I am not a sulker.
This isn't sulking, this is depressed.
There's a difference.
You know I support you, don't you? I'm your biggest fan! Yeah, I know.
I'm gonna get out of here for a while.
Why don't we go to a winery? My shout! I hear that 13th Fencepost does a great degustation menu.
Get fucked! -Oi, Amber! -See? That was far more sulky.
We're not going anywhere.
Focus on your driving.
I'll get us a second engine.
How are we gonna afford that? I'm a loans officer at a bank, Mum.
I make people afford what they can't for a living.
It's sorted.
Don't worry, Nan.
We're gonna have a massive weekend with merch.
I doubt you're gonna make 150 grand selling inflatable bananas, sweetie, but good luck.
Especially when you're giving them away for free.
If you let me have this engine on credit, I'll pay you back tomorrow with the prize money.
You're pretty cocky you're gonna win.
We're coming off four consecutive wins, we're 120 points clear on the leader board.
I'm so cocky, I think we should celebrate early with some Jagermeister shots tonight.
I'd prefer something else.
Tequila? Which of these would you like to keep? You're never gonna get that engine.
Excuse me! I would like to buy the Hemi 500 cube billet nitro engine.
And I would like you to let go of his testicles.
Oh, hey! You're awake! I am really sorry that this is not the weekend that you'd hoped for, but I'm gonna make it up to you.
-Ow! Ouch! -Shh! It's from one of the wineries.
We can have a romantic anniversary picnic.
Oh, what - at the racetrack? Yep.
With Margaret? Oh, she'll do her own thing.
Pit crew maybe? I hear there's a wet T-shirt competition at 2:30.
I'm in pain! -Are you still upset because you lost the table tennis? I'm talking about my foot! You mock me, but it's very swollen.
Yeah, funny! There's much more bull than ant! I'm sorry.
How about as an extra anniversary present, I crack open the Panadeine Forte that I stole from work for emergencies? You know, that codeine could go really nicely with some foie gras, hey? Don't even think about it! Hey! Can we stop at the supermarket on the way to the racetrack? Give me the tablets.
Um, darling, where are we imagining our picnic taking place? Bess! Hey, Bess! Guess what! Hey, Danny! Hiya, Margot! Good to see you! I dropped in the new mill.
I stayed up all night.
Amber told me what you did, and I just wanted to say a massive thank you.
Mill? -Battered sausage on a stick, Danny! That's another word for engine, isn't it? -No.
-I didn't know you were a revhead, Danny.
I thought it was obvious.
-Why don't you go and find us a spot, and I'll just go and say good luck to the team before the quarterfinals? Thank you! Thank you so much! Stop! Stop! They're five bucks each from now on! Yeah! -Hey, she blitzed! Nana, 4.
What are you doing? Making money.
Oh, sorry, my wife is actually sitting there.
Just make yourself comfortable.
-No, no, no! Let me just move this.
Serious, with the Need a hand with that? Yeah.
Yes, please.
Thank you.
I was trying to preserve the wrapping and recycle, but Doesn't matter.
Thank you.
Happy anniversary, Margot.
Can I get some 556, please? Yeah.
Check! -So, second engine went really well, then? Like a dream.
We're officially back in the race.
Oh! Here she is.
Not sulking now, are you? I wasn't sulking.
Sorry, depressed adult sulking.
I was gonna congratulate her on what she did for the team, but with that smart crack, no way! -What did she do for the team? She saved us! She saved my last shot, didn't she tell you? She bought us a second engine! Did she? She has such a gift with borrowing money, yeah.
Look at the overdraft, the five credits cards, the mortgage, and now this new loan for the second engine.
Really proud of you, Amber.
Yeah, me too, love.
-You're welcome.
Would I be pushing things to go and get some new spark plugs? No, that's fine.
-Come on, Jules.
-OK! Should I use the Mastercard or the Visas? Just tell 'em to use the same one I used for the engine.
-Clever girl! Mum and Dad would freak out if they knew that you lent us the money.
Ha! Really? Yes, really.
It's better this way.
With you being most valuable daughter and lender of the year? I will get the prize money on Sunday night and hand it over.
Because it's better that way.
It's actually one of the worst things I've ever been through.
You know, people don't understand how hard bull ants really bite.
Do you know what I mean? It's it's like Sorry, do you want shiraz? -Aye.
-We'll take a top-up.
So, how'd you come to be at the race, Margaret? Well, my daughter is also the daughter of the woman who won the last race, and her husband.
Oh, daughters, eh? Bob's daughter ran off with my husband.
Now my daughter won't talk to his daughter 'cause they were best friends.
His daughter ran off with your husband? Mmm.
We were next-door neighbours.
We're the leftovers, aren't we, love? Aye.
We're running out of bananas back here.
Shall we screw them a little and just use half? Customer service is paramount.
That's $20 with inflatables.
Don't worry, I can get plenty more.
Next, please.
Oh, here you are! My love! Best anniversary ever! Do you want a bourbon and cola? Is that alright, Bobby? Is this the daughter? -Mmm.
Yep, same age as Bob's daughter.
Who now has a daughter with your ex-husband.
Which makes me a step-grandmother.
As well as her ex-husband's mother-in-law? Hey, what's say we crack open the pinot? -Oh, aye.
Danny, you shouldn't be drinking on top of those tablets.
I just want our anniversary to be special! Here we go! Semifinal's about to start.
No! No! Go on! Oh, they've completely stuffed it.
-What happens now? How is she gonna beat those other people and get in the grand final? Only thing she's beating is the traffic, hen, out of here.
It's home time for you, love.
Oh, my God! Whoa, whoa, whoa! I just needed a bit more time.
What are you talking about? It was brand-fucking-new! You're beyond useless, Kayne! You don't have to yell at him, Amber.
Everyone stop with the yelling - except you, love.
You probably should go berko and let it out.
Oh! Is it true that it's over? You don't get a second chance? It can't be! There must be a way! One car has to beat the other car.
Might be rocket fuel, but it's not fucking rocket science.
I understand your pain, it's your first race, but this is what we call 'suck it up, time'.
No, no, no, I'm not sucking.
You told me this was a sure thing! You said it was impossible to lose.
I told the sleazeball in the spare parts joint that.
I never said it to you! But you let me pay for it! I couldn't stop you! You flashed your fancy credit card around! By the way, shocking product - massive annual fee! No interest-free days! You're an idiot! Anyway, no-one asked for your money, princess! Well, no-one's gonna refund it either! -You paid for the second engine? -Bessie! I don't feel very well.
Can I have another Panadeine Forte, please? You let her fork out 150 grand of her own money Why did you do that? You spent how much? It's bad enough to have lost, but to lose knowing that we're gonna be in debt to you for the rest of their lives, that is just hideous! Did he say 150.
000? I heard that? It was actually 152.
Amber said yes to the extra plugs.
Amber, why did you say yes to the extra sparkplugs? You spent 150.
and, what - something dollars of our money?! Oh, wow! Oh! A bull ant bit me! I can suck that out if you want, Dan.
I was only trying to help! I've told you before, we don't need your help.
Which one of you stole my bananas? They're not stolen.
I picked 'em up in bulk at Sexpo.
I know you been selling smoothies, and I saw a kid messing up my trees.
I didn't know the bananas belonged to anyone.
Edwina! They were in a field.
I thought they were public bananas.
This might be one for the cops, I think.
Oh, hang on, I don't think there's any need -20 years we've been racing, and we've never had to have the police involved.
Mum, I'm sorry.
I was just trying to show Shawn how to make money the right way.
Oh, so, we're the wrong way, are we? She didn't mean that.
-No, I didn't! I know you don't realise you're wrong.
Dad explained to me how your family operates mostly in the cash economy, dodging - saving on taxation whilst expecting to have roads for your V8.
He says it's our job to educate against ignorance, and then society can improve as a whole.
Well, clearly your dad is the wisest man here.
Maybe he could run me through how to set up an elaborate series of family trusts when he's less maggoted! You had no right to involve yourself in our family finances.
I was only trying to help.
What we do is none of your business.
You're not any part of this.
I see.
-I hope so.
I understand.
Money's not the problem.
It's me.
You gave me up.
You never came looking for me.
You didn't want me then and you don't want me now.
Problem solved! Kayne, can you please carry Danny to the car? Does anyone know where Mar where my mother is? So, where's your daughter? Here? No, that's my ex-husband's girl from another marriage.
Oh, careful! You're dripping your garlic sauce.
-Oh! Oh, dear! Oh, you're getting it everywhere.
Oh, what a waste.
The Wheelers' pick-up truck is 13.
300 now on eBay.
Mum, they should be able to pay a bit of it back after you add up all the stuff they're selling, the jetskis and the other ute.
Put the iPad away.
-Mum, I've managed to square things off with the banana farmer by making them a Facebook page.
He's pretty pleased.
I've already got him 400 likes for his ladyfingers.
-That's great, Eddie.
Do you think you could make another Facebook page to get our 150 grand back? Good one, good one! -It was a joke! -It was mean.
It was a mean joke.
Smackdowns are the funniest, aren't they, Dad? No, it wasn't a smackdown -You know you'll get your money eventually, but Mum won't get her family back.
-She doesn't get it.
So, OK, I was thinking Not ready for you to talk.
Maybe we could keep texting.
I think my favourite thing about make-up sex is What did I tell you about not talking? I'm so not here! So, how's the toe now? -You were really crying when Shawn piggybacked you to the car.
I should have sucked the venom out, Danny.
It would have saved you a lot of pain.
I could have saved myself if I didn't get so drunk.
I'm sorry.
That was very embarrassing.
That's OK, a lot of people have the misconception that the drag's one big piss-up.
It's really just a family day.
I guess it's our job to educate against ignorance so that society can improve as a whole.
Uh, now, listen, Bess isn't here at the front door right this minute, but I know she wanted you to know that we have decided to wipe the debt.
No, no, no.
-We couldn't let you do that.
We really don't want you selling everything.
I can cancel eBay.
-Don't be rude, Kayne! I'm just saying, the jetski auction is up in 20 minutes.
If we wanna move, we should do it before the bidding war breaks out.
When will Bess be back? About half-past 'Cause we got something we really wanna show her.
It's really, really important.
-What is it? That's coming up well.
I'm really happy with it.
They're still here.
Danny! Wayne and Julie have something they want to show you.
No! I can't! -You have to see this.
Well, she's a doctor, not a judge! Amber, get up.
Alright! I'm up! I'm so sorry, Bess.
No, I'm sorry! I pushed in and it was inappropriate.
I didn't want to owe you more.
I've owed you an explanation every day of your life since you were born because I gave you up, I did, and I just didn't want to be in debt to you all over again.
Shit, I'm so sorry, Bessie.
We totally respect your decision not to see us again, but we just wanted to let you know that even though we won't see you anymore, you'll always be part of us, literally.
Is that my Year 11 school photo? -Margaret gave it to us, yeah.
Nanny Margaret gave you something? She hated that photo.
The braces are quite detailed, aren't they? That's awesome! Did it hurt? -No, not at all! -Yes.
I don't know what to say! Well, now about thank Christ it didn't turn out like this? Never get a tatt in Thailand, love.
Welcome to the family.
Thanks! -Yep.
-Thanks, Amber! -Yeah, OK.
Oh, come here, sweetheart! Kayne, Kayne, Kayne! They're children.
That's beer.
That's not for them.
Take the lemon out.
You don't need that.
-I quite like the flaming dice.
So, are you guys gonna be able to run the team next year? Shit, yeah.
It's only debt.
There's plenty more where that came from.
-I feel like I've joined the Labor Party.
Is that a zombie? -No, no, that's me.
The end