Upper Middle Bogan (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Hot But Cold

# Come on home # Coming home, baby, now # You know I'm waiting here for you # I'm coming home, now, real soon # You've been gone # Coming home, baby, now # You don't know what I'm going to do # I'm coming home I know I'm overdue # Since you went away # Expect me any day now, real soon # I'm coming home and never more to roam # Baby, tell me you're coming home # Baby, I'm for sure coming home I'm coming home Come on home.
I've invited Wayne and Julie over for a swim on Saturday.
Oh, Bessie, no! Do we have .
any yoghurt? I'm sorry? Is that OK? Yeah! It's just that the heatwave will still be here on the weekend.
Mainly in this house.
Are you sure that this passive-cooling thing is working? Wh! Of course it's working.
And how good is it? No air conditioning, no power consumption, no nasty emissions.
Am I right, Eddie? Technically.
No, not technically.
Can't you feel it? I can feel it.
I'm so comfortable in this temperature.
You are standing in the fridge.
You you have that weird girl hormone that makes you feel the heat.
It's so hot! Dad, did you forget to turn on the air conditioner again? No, I didn't.
Again, Oscar, we are passively cooling.
Does 'passively' mean 'not'? How am I supposed to sell the concept to my clients if I don't use it in my own home? Do you want me to be a cutting-edge architect? Who pulled up the blinds?! Ah, I did.
I It's so dark.
Bessie, why would you? These blinds were perfect.
How am I supposed? 'Oh, hello, Mr Client.
Let me invite you around to explain the principles of passively cooling.
Oh, no, actually, I can't, because my wife keeps running around behind my back, actively heating.
' Awesome.
You made her cry again.
I'm sorry.
What? No, I'm not crying.
I've just got a bit of sunscreen in my eye.
Get a bit of sun in the operating theatre, do you? You don't have to pretend you're not upset when clearly you're very upset because I just yelled at you.
I'm so sorry that I touched the blinds! Oh! Yep, possibly I overreacted.
Are you going to leave me? Because you touched the blinds? I don't think I will, no.
It's the third time this week.
I thought you were going to leave me.
Fifth time.
Is it? Yeah.
Bessie This is exactly what the adoption-transition counsellor said would happen.
You discover you're adopted, you develop a fear of abandonment with me.
Not just abandonment.
Being lied to! Yep, yep, yep.
All the big-ticket issues.
And it's perfectly normal to take it out on me because I had so much to do with your adoption.
That came out the wrong way! I'm I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I don't know why I'm on such a short fuse.
I was just Hot? No! Really? No.
Because it's really hot in there! I'm not hot.
I'm not! What happens when I get hot? My fingers swell up.
Do my fingers look puffy? Yes.
No! Well, now you're just being rude about my fingers, which are manly, not puffy.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for yelling.
Do you really mind that I've invited the Wheelers over on Saturday? Can we get that thing that goes purple if someone pees in the pool? Ow! What did I do? Bent over.
Amber, leave Kayne alone.
It's not his fault Shawn didn't come home last night.
Shawn didn't come home? He stayed at Troy's after I told him not to.
They would have stayed up all night playing Xbox.
Cool? Bend over again, you dickhead.
Amber, calm down.
Shawn needs to spend some time with his father.
Father? When have you ever seen Troy act like a father? To be fair to Troy, yours truly has given you a very high expectation of what a father should be.
To be fair to Troy, he's a fucking idiot.
Oh, my God! Clark Rubber is having a sale on above-ground pools.
Whirlpool! This one's exactly the same as one in the ground, except it's above the ground and it's only $5,000.
Where are we going to get $5,000? We could sell your bungalow.
We don't need a pool.
Bess has invited us to use hers.
Yes! Yes! Dad, do we still have the inflatable dolphins? Under the noodles and the croc rider, yeah.
This is bullshit! You all used to be quite happy with the public pool.
Last time we went, there was a floater.
You should have used the toilet.
Well, obviously, my professional opinion is that passive cooling is really the only way to go for the new house.
Well, you pay a little more at the design stage, but ultimately, you know, what price the planet? Mm, mm.
Absolutely, and that's that's why I use it in my own home.
Sorry, what? Does it work? Oh, it works .
on so many levels.
But the most important level, for me, is the level known as level green .
because let's face it, at the end of the day, we're not just building a house, are we? We are building a future for our children and for their children, and if taking care of the structural design of the fenestration means a little extra cost, then I really think we can sleep at night.
Do you want us to bring something for the barbecue? I could pick up some kebabs.
Sorry, Julie, are you standing under a jumbo jet? Hang on, hang on.
It's the industrial fan we use to keep the Janis cool.
It works a treat.
Oh, please don't taunt me.
Our house is so hot because we're not using the air conditioning.
Is on the blink? Wayne and Kayne can come and have a look.
No, no.
It's working fine.
We're passive cooling.
It's an ideology thing.
A what? Ah We're just a bit tight financially right now, so we're trying to save on a big electricity bill.
But we're fine, honestly.
It's not even that hot.
- Dad! - Don't! Edwina made me keep my tie on the whole way home.
I'm supposed to ignore my responsibilities as transport monitor just because it's 38 degrees? Come on, Eddie.
Can't you relax the rules on a day like today? OK, and you relax the rules on the air conditioning, seeing as the passive cooling isn't working! What, are you serious? This is the perfect temperature.
If you're doing Bikram yoga.
OK, you're hot and bothered after school.
How about we all hop in the pool? You want me to throw you off my shoulders? Your arms are cold.
How can you be so cool when it's hot in here? Forget the pool - we're going to the movies.
Yes! No! I have homework.
Oh, come on! You always complain the cinema is freezing.
What was that film you wanted to see? The Iranian one? Yeah, not that one.
Let's go.
Amber, you should wait until it's cool to water the plants.
It's better for absorption.
Who died on Better Homes And Gardens and made you the host? No-one.
Know what's good for absorption? His name is Kayne.
Slip and slide! Oh! Danny! My last polyps were cancelled, so I'm home early.
Oscar! Edwina? I got it! Way to go, Mum! I'm getting changed.
I'm getting changed.
Go easy.
Looking good, babe.
You're not supposed to have him overnight.
Says who? You and that mediation lady? We had fun.
It's not about having fun, you dickhead, it's about looking after him.
What did he have for dinner last night? I can provide a meal for my son.
I know about the food groups.
The food groups! Oh.
Break it down for me, Troy.
What food groups did Shawn have last night? He had two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickled onions on a sesame-seed bun.
Go home.
You're just scared I'll beat ya.
You up for a go, babe? Jules? Huh? Oh, no, no, no.
I'm worried about our firstborn.
Kayne, if you want to be a worm, I'll dig you a fucking hole.
Not much we can do about it now, though, is there? No, not Amber, Bess.
Her and Danny have got money issues.
They've got too much? No, they can't afford to run their air con.
She's in trouble, Wayne.
Hello! What? Why did why did you come back? The movie finished.
We left halfway through.
Oh! We saw enough, Eddie.
We got it - Iraq is a terrible, war-torn country.
I ran out of the cinema 'cause the movie was so boring.
Right, Dad? You went to see a movie? Yeah.
It was too hot to stay here.
No, because it's an important Iranian film.
Wait, where did you think we were? Your wedding ring was on the bench, and I thought You thought I'd left again?! Baby, I took the ring off because I was cleaning it.
Cleaning it? Yeah.
I've never seen you clean it.
Yeah, you have, lots.
But you've drunk a bottle wine, so you don't remember.
Oi! Oi! What? Bedtime, now.
Thought you'd never ask.
It was worth a try.
Night, Shawny.
Night, Dad.
On the toilet.
I know! I told you this would happen, didn't I? I said we couldn't trust him.
You need to engage a QC.
Mum, what? Couldn't trust who? What are you doing here? my bedroom.
You're right, what am I doing here? You took him back after he left you? You told her I left you? No! Danny's left me! I made a mistake.
I don't need a QC.
Let's not be hasty.
It's all my fault.
Then you definitely need a QC.
I was Drunk.
Well, I can understand why you were overheated.
Why isn't the air conditioning on? Danny is doing his bit for the planet, Mum.
Cutting back on Oxygen? .
I thought you warmists were trying to cool things down.
Come on, Shawn.
Hurry up.
You'll be late.
Mum's still in bed.
Is she sick? In the head.
Sit down, Shawn.
Have some more cereal.
You just said hurry up.
You look so much thinner standing up.
Your nan's right.
You need to eat.
Pop! Use your good eye.
What the fuck are you looking at? Dad! Oh! Look, your dad's dropped in.
Troy, are you here for the fan? Because it's so hot at your place? Mum, that's so nice.
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
You can't do this on-again, off-again thing, Amber.
It upsets Shawn.
Shawn won't know.
Mum and Dad are back together! What are you pissed off for? I'm the one who's chafing.
Let me guess.
Rumpole's arrived and is dividing up our assets.
I'm sorry.
I don't remember leaving that message.
Bessie, I'm over this.
I'm the one you can trust.
I don't cheat, I don't lie.
I'd never lie to you.
I know.
I'm sorry.
You forgot this.
Why did you have to tell Margaret about the passive cooling? I thought you'd be happy.
Happy? To hear her laughing about how it's not working? Isn't it? Yes! It would, if you all just left me alone so I could fine-tune it.
And if I can't, then you can all declare me a failure.
But he stayed the night.
That doesn't mean we're back together.
That's not happening.
Why not? I can't get back together with your dad because your dad's a dickhead.
Do you love him? That's not the point.
It's the only point.
Alright, come around! It's not that hard.
It's 38 degrees Celsius right now.
Oh! Ticket number A43, please proceed to Teller 5.
Just just Look, babe, I'm sorry about me undies.
Do you want to have a drink tonight? What? Ah, yeah! Yeah.
We should probably talk about what we want and all that crap.
Er, I love you, Amber.
Well, I'm at work, so It's 22 degrees Celsius right now.
Dad, you did it! It's cool! It's actually cool.
Danny, you fine-tuned it! No, well, I wish.
Dad, that is so awesome.
Caspian said you were an idiot for doing this, which would explain why I was an idiot, but now I can tell him that you've made it work.
No, I didn't Caspian said I was an idiot? I'll get it.
Daddy, I am so proud of you for sticking to your principles.
A lesser man would have caved.
I am so posting this on Facebook.
Whoa! Hang on, Facebook? Really? Is it wrong to be super turned on by how clever you are? No, no.
No, it's not.
So how did you do it? I .
altered the fenestration cross-breeze.
Kayne, Wayne! What are you We don't want you to feel embarrassed, but this is a lot cheaper to run than an air con.
Oh, no! Not using the air conditioning wasn't about money, I just said that.
I didn't want you to think that Danny was silly.
Dad's been passive cooling.
Wayne! Can I get you a beer? What's passive cooling? It's keeping your house cool without using any energy.
It eventually works.
Kayne, beer? You call it passive cooling? I call it common sense.
Keeping the blinds down, keeping the awnings down, keeping the electricity bills down.
Am I right, Danny? Mm-hmm.
You've done a great job, considering this place is east-west facing.
It's tricky.
How often do you give that a blast? Not at all.
That's the beauty.
Dad just altered the fenestration cross-breeze.
Was that yes to a beer, Wayne? No, I won't, thanks, mate, but that has been on.
I can hear the motor clicking.
Maybe it's on auto.
It must be.
That has definitely just been on.
Oscar, did you touch the remote? You lied to me.
No, I didn't! Are you going to keep doing this? Keep doing what? Bessie, can I help it if there was a mix-up with the automatic programming? What is that? What are you doing? You are the one I can trust.
You don't lie.
You would never lie to me.
I lied about the air conditioning.
But do you know how hard it is to passively cool a west-facing, Victorian house? You lied about your wedding ring, didn't you? Your fingers were puffy because you were hot, even though you lied, again, and said that you weren't! OK, would you please stop? They weren't proper lies, Bessie, they were just climate-based lies.
This is a marriage, not an election! No, I mean they weren't about anything important.
So if you can't tell me the truth about things that aren't important, how can you possibly be honest with me about things that are? What? No.
You're twisting my Bessie! Please stop.
Where are you going? I'm not going anywhere.
I'm not I'm not I'm not going anywhere either! I need some time on my own.
Come on! Hey, it's Troy.
I lied to Bess about the air conditioning, You lied to her about being adopted.
She kicks me out.
Not fair, so I'm staying here.
You're being punished too.
Why does he have to stay at Nanny Margaret's? Because I'm very angry with him.
About the air conditioner? Yes.
But it was so hot.
She's mad because he lied about it.
Still, she didn't have to sit through that Iranian movie.
Huh? You can't stay in bed all day.
Why not? The cleaners are coming.
When? Next Wednesday.
But I like to be ready for them.
Hey! Hi! Hello! Come in.
'We don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in our pool.
' Did you make that up? No.
It's a famous quote by some guy that went swimming with Kayne.
Do you have the stuff that goes purple when someone does a whizz? 'Cause you should put it in.
Have you finished? No.
Are you sure? She won't pick up.
You know Bess.
She can be very bloody-minded.
I wonder where she gets that from.
Julie, I imagine.
So why is Danny in the doghouse? Money? Oh, another woman? No, he said he hadn't been using the air conditioner, but he had.
Fucking arsehole.
I don't expect you to understand, Amber, but I've been lied to my entire life about who I am, and I can't take any more lies, no matter how small.
One, two! Wayne and Julie, you shouldn't bomb like that! It's water wasting.
Technically Argh! Oh, for shit's sake.
Ah! Thank you.
I understand.
You want to protect yourself.
You're frightened of getting hurt again.
Sounds like you're speaking from experience.
Do you think you should have a shower? Do you think you should have told Bess she was adopted instead of lying to her? Mm-hmm! So he spent a week doing this bullshit with the blinds? Typical.
I know.
Sorry, what's typical? He's always trying to prove he's better than everyone else.
'Oh, look! I can control the weather.
' He was trying to do something good.
What, for the planet? Yeah, right.
He thinks we're a bunch of morons because we're not saving the environment 24/7.
Guess what, I'd save it too if it was going to make me shitloads of money in my business.
I think we're mad at Danny for different reasons.
I'm not mad at him, I just think he's a preachy suck.
Glad we cleared that up.
- One, two, three.
- Whoo! Mum! Oh, come on.
I also think he's a good father who works really hard.
Does the washing and the cooking, for Christ's sake.
That's how you know he loves you - not because he says it, but because he lives it.
He'd be perfect if he wasn't such a preachy suck.
And that's seven letters.
So I get the 50-point bonus.
Ha, ha! 'Trouser?' Trouser is not a word.
Not in your vocabulary, no.
You need an S - 'trousers', as in Your trousers are missing.
Trouser leg, trouser clip, trouser skirt.
Trouser skirt?! Oh, that'll be Enid Blyton, wanting her dictionary back.
You think I'm going to cheat? Danny? Hey, I'm stretching it out.
It's my turn.
Mum, could you give us a minute, please? Did you look at my letters? Mum! Sorry.
Hmm? Danny? Hmm? You OK? Am I OK? I'm in mother-in-law prison, playing Scrabble with the warden.
Why wouldn't I be OK? I want you to come home now.
I like it here now.
It's not hot.
Margaret's got her own system - passive-aggressive cooling.
Every night, I dream that I'm standing in quicksand, and when I wake up, that feeling doesn't go away that nothing is solid, that everything's going to disappear.
Bessie! I will never disappear, even when you pack my suitcase.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I lied to you, baby.
Bessie, not everyone leaves.
Margaret may not have told you the truth, but she never left, not even on our honeymoon.
I stayed on the other side of the island! Yeah.
It wasn't a big island.
It was huge! It had 12 huts! One of which you two barely left for the entire time.
OK, Mum.
Get my point? Yes, I do.
- Marco! - Polo.
- Marco.
- Polo.
What's all that purple? Oh, disgusting! God, that's disgusting! Nice one, Kayne.
How often do you do it? A healthy amount.
Not lately.
If you're in a rut, you should try the Seven Days of Sex.
Have they started? Brewers assistant? It's the third fasting growing fantasy.
Margaret's got a nasty case of Wayne fever.
Oh! I have a very active sex life.
I think he means with someone other than yourself.