Upper Middle Bogan (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Let's Talk About Sex

WOMEN: # Come on home MAN: # Coming home, baby, now # You know I'm waiting here for you # I'm coming home, now, real soon # You've been gone # Coming home, baby, now # You don't know what I'm going to do # I'm coming home I know I'm overdue # Since you went away # Expect me any day now, real soon # I'm coming home and never more to roam # Baby, tell me you're coming home # Baby, I'm for sure coming home I'm coming home Come on home.
(Laughter) Alright.
Let's get the giggles out of our system, shall we? Horizontal jogging.
Glazing the doughnut.
The mad milkman delivering to Pleasure Lane.
Are we still laughing? Now, look - I know most of you don't want to be here.
You kids probably know everything that I'm about to tell you.
When I think about the things that I got up to at your age But let's not beat about the bush.
The vulva.
Whoa! Look, mate, either they learn it from you and me or they're going to get it from porn.
Is that what you want? No! But could you not Carry on.
Fun fact - the vulva is not actually another word for 'vagina'.
In fact, it refers to the full house of external genitalia.
Think of it like a verandah - it's on the outside, it's nice to look at and it serves an important function.
I am surprised that you found tonight so confronting.
You love sexy talk.
With my wife, under our own roof, hell, yes.
But from a PE teacher with the sensitivity of a mad milkman Mr Wilson's shorts were an anatomy lesson I could have lived without.
What if he's right? What, about Pleasure Lane? No, that if we don't teach the kids, they'll learn from pornography.
Oscar and Eddie wouldn't look at porn, would they? Did you? Edwina, Oscar! Down here now, please.
Quickly! Chop, chop.
Sit down.
Oscar, are you going to bed already? The sooner I go to bed, the sooner I'll have a wet dream.
Kill me now.
Apparently, I have given off the vibe that I am uneasy talking about .
Sex, sex.
But I'm a cool dad.
You know that.
So if you have any questions that you want to ask, now is the time.
No questions.
Can I go? How do you know everything? Well, I'm Learning about sex on your own is fine, as long as you understand Sit down.
that you are not allowed to partake in any act that's even remotely sexual until I'm either dead or senile.
(Laughs) Your dad's joking.
No, he's not.
Class dismissed.
Have you got some more questions, sweetie? Heaps.
OK, champ.
Hit me.
Sex sounds painful.
Do you like it? Yes.
Yes, we do.
Because we love each other.
How often do you do it? Oh, come on! That is not a reasonable question.
We have sex a healthy amount.
Not lately.
Not for awhile, actually.
Question time is over.
Are we in a rut? What? No.
It's just that we've been so busy lately.
That never used to stop us.
You know what? Maybe we just get back on the bike.
Am I the bike? Go back to sleep.
It's going to take a lot to drag me away from you.
There is nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do.
I bless the rains down in Africa? Going to take some time to do the things we never ha-ha-have Toto.
It transcends.
It REALLY doesn't.
(Door opens) Mum? Did Nanny Margaret adopt you because she doesn't like sex? Oh, it's just you.
Nice way to speak to your PT.
I've been stood up by an overpriced tradesman.
I miss the days when you had to study law to charge an obscene hourly rate.
What's the problem? My plumbing.
Hassle! I haven't been able to use my washing machine.
Why do you think I'm wearing this hideous tracksuit? It's retro gold! It was a birthday present from Danny.
I meant to return it, but Are you sick? No! What in blazes? Bess gave it to me.
No need.
I've filled in my blood-sugar diary for the week.
In advance? I hate admin piling up.
You can't just make it up! It's your health.
It's bureaucratic red tape.
I'll keep your secret on one condition.
You've inherited a prostitute's estate? It's my latest business venture.
I'm directly selling women's underwear.
'Brewer's assistant?' It's the third-fastest growing fantasy.
I'd prefer just to give you the money and call it even.
I don't want your cash.
I want you to host a lingerie party here.
Invite your rich friends.
Tell Pat from VIEW Club.
I don't think she's in the market for pole-dancing attire.
Bess might like to know about that empty box of macaroons I found in your training bag.
They were part of a hamper.
(Ring tone) Alright! I'll host your ridiculous soiree.
Yes! There's a massive benefit to being a host - free gift bag! There's sexy lingerie, a massage candle, body chocolate.
That won't be necessary.
In the car now or drop and give me 20.
(Revs) Have you had sex, Uncle Kayne? It won't surprise you to learn that I have a very active sex life.
I think he means with someone other than yourself.
What's with all the questions, man? We had our sex-ed night.
I never had to do that, because Mum and Dad's in-house presentation was so informative.
They made up their own songs and everything.
(Beat-boxes) Puberty! Don't.
Say hi to body hair! There's even bigger changes going on downstairs! Awesome! No, not awesome.
It took me years to get that out of my head.
My mum and dad could never make a puberty rap.
They're really weird about sex.
How do you mean, mate? Dad says they hardly ever do it.
Aw, that's not good.
Bess missed out on the famous Wheeler Talk.
That's got to set her back.
Check out my Puberty Rap remix.
BRIANNA: Don't sweat it, I'll sort it.
Dad, you have to fix Margaret's plumbing.
She can't host my party if she's got no water.
Her plumbing? That could be a problem.
Family politics? Sexual politics.
What? Margaret's got a nasty case of Wayne fever.
Your self-delusion is nasty.
What are you basing this on? She gets faint whenever I'm around.
Because she's a fucking diabetic.
It's a bit more animalistic.
Pheromones, hey, Dad? That's right, mate.
OSCAR: 'Your voice! It's gonna drop.
Your plums, they're gonna pop.
' We've got to help Bess.
Leave it to me.
(Mobile rings) Hi, Wayne.
You can't hand out sex advice over the phone! Are you there? We're coming over for lunch.
Is everything OK? Better than OK.
It's been a year since you came back into our lives and we got you a prezzie.
So we'll see you soon.
Oh, quick thinking, my love! Right, everybody - into your Sunday best.
I'm not going! Yeah, you bloody are.
This is an important anniversary for Bess.
Dad just made it up.
Bess doesn't know that.
I'm so confused.
Where was my sex-ed visit? I got pregnant at 15.
Wasn't that a brilliant start to my life? Amber! No, it's cool.
I know Mum was an early starter.
They got me so excited about sex, I couldn't wait to try it.
Where was the Contraception Rap? We started one.
Roll It On, Ronnie.
We just couldn't nail the bridge.
We probably should have given Troy access to the condom cupboard.
Then I wouldn't be here.
Exactly! And I am not going to apologise for raising you to be spontaneous and passionate.
Who invites themselves to lunch at an hour's notice? They've got a present for me! Yeah? So do I.
Not in front of Edwina! We'll sneak upstairs.
No, there's no time.
We're officially a sexless marriage.
If you think the problem is that serious, maybe we should see a counsellor.
If I had to draw my feelings right at this moment, they'd be a lot more confronting than Mr Wilson's shorts.
WHEELERS: Happy anniversary! Hi.
How are you? Hello, beautiful! WAYNE: You look great! BESS: So do you.
(Burps) Oh, my God! Danny, this is yum.
How did you whip these up so quickly? I'd already double-roasted the chickpeas, so it was just a matter of, um shredding the tofu and crumbling the goats' cheese.
Spontaneity can be a godsend, can't it, mate? Keeps the magic alive.
Stops you falling into bad habits.
Am I missing something? I don't know, Danny.
Are you? I think it's time.
(Beat-boxes) Puberty! Not for that, you moron! Happy first year back in Team Wheeler! You didn't have to do this! Oh, wow! Under Wow! Sorry? It's what the lingerie's called.
Clever, isn't it? What are these? Electronic sensors.
Now Danny can bring you to orgasm just by using an app.
Hey! How long has it been since you wrote to your sponsor child? We haven't finished lunch.
Ahmed hasn't finished lunch either because Ahmed didn't get lunch, or dinner.
These Wow Zones correspond to the vibrating patch on the underwear.
Off we go! Here we go.
Shawn, you're old enough to listen to this.
I'll never be old enough to hear my nan talk about sex.
This should spice things up a bit.
JULIE: If you need help in that department.
Did you say something? Course not.
I picked it up from your body language.
Jules has a sixth sense when it comes to this sort of stuff.
She sees dead roots.
Oi! It was Oscar, wasn't it? The boy's worried about you.
Is this something you've always struggled with? I am SO not having this conversation.
It used to be one of our strengths.
That's a Wheeler gene.
If you are in a rut, you should just try the 7 Days Of Sex.
The what? You know, the TV show.
I think we blocked that channel.
It's about reconnecting with each other.
In the biblical sense.
Every day for a week.
No matter how you're feeling.
The other night, Wayne had this terrible bout of gastro.
But I pushed through it.
You're doing this now? Sure are.
I thought I heard a bit of extra movement at the station lately.
We do it once or twice a year just to keep everything fresh.
Show 'em your video diary.
Can I go and write to Ahmed? DANNY: Margaret! My water's been cut off.
I could have a look at your plumbing if you like, Margaret.
Really? That would be wonderful.
But we do need to keep in mind that doing business with family can be tricky.
You OK? I need a shower! How were her blood-sugar levels yesterday? Ah, um Good, yeah.
I think it was, um Oh, yes! It was great, actually.
You should try I've got a cloth.
Might be easier if I borrow one of Danny's shirts.
Maybe we should try some stain remover first.
No, no.
Take them from the right side of the wardrobe.
They're presents from Margaret.
Did you know that, relative to body size, barnacles have the longest penis on earth? Mum and Dad won't have him psychologically tested because they're worried he might get a syndrome named after him.
What are you doing here? Oh! Mum! I'm sorry.
I can't help it.
I know, Margaret.
You're back on the macaroons again, aren't you? I'm telling you, Jules, I'm her kryptonite.
Do you remember when I took you to the optometrist's and you thought all the ladies in the waiting room were staring at you? Turned out I was sitting underneath the clock.
I know.
But this is different.
I'm telling you, Jules, Margaret wants a whole lot more than just a time check.
She's not the only one.
Get in! These are my good $15 undies! I think it's great that Wayne and Julie are so open about sex.
I mean, the 7 Days thing That's not the worst idea in the world.
Shall we start tonight? Be wrong not to.
(Mobile rings) You'd better get that.
I'd better not! Wayne never calls.
It must be important.
I'll make it worth your while! Face time? What? Just seeing if you're starting the 7 Days tonight! Shit! You're not Have you just had sex? Have they started? This is insane! Hi, Wayne! Hi, Julie.
We'll call you back tomorrow, OK? Are we interrupting something? Oh, that's my girl! OK! Who calls their son-in-law to make sure he's having sex with their daughter? They're just trying to help! We didn't have any bedroom issues before they came back in your life.
Your ability to blame everybody but yourself is terrifying.
I don't see how this could possibly be my fault when I'm the one who is constantly putting on the moves.
Quoting Toto and calling me a bike? Your constant rejection has sapped my confidence.
So this is my fault? Wha Are we fighting? Yes! So, make-up sex? Not if you were the last milkman on earth.
# HIP-HOP You OK, Mum? Yep.
How about you? Fine.
(Turns music off) Just to clarify .
I may have been an early starter, but I didn't put it around.
I was only ever with your dad.
I know.
I know.
And even though being a teen mum wasn't exactly my five-year plan .
nothing I was planning could have ever brought me as much joy as you.
I've got a funny way of showing it, but I love you so much, it hurts me in the guts.
(Clears throat) Thanks, Mum.
That's so sweet! Turn that fucking thing off! Sorry.
You've got something in your I'm sorry.
I have been unromantic and selfish, and I really want us to get back on track, so Oh! No, Danny.
We're not sex-with-an-app people.
Desperate times call for remote-control measures.
Come on! This is exactly what we need.
Oh! Trust me.
Alright! But only on my lunch break.
No patients will die in the making of our virtual love.
(Turns on tap) (Pipes judder) Oh! I'm drowning! That was the last of my clean clothes.
Now I can't even leave the house! Don't be so dramatic.
It won't kill you to grab something out of the dirty-clothes basket.
I refuse to wear undergarments more than once.
Then go commando.
I'm not Britney Spears! I've got to get back into theatre.
I've spoken to Wayne.
He and Kayne are coming over to sort out your plumbing.
But I've got no (Hang-up tone) Oi! Hey, just wait for a minute.
Hey, don't leave any of your piping exposed, will you? We don't want Margaret getting the wrong idea.
A client with a crush is an occupational hazard.
'Attraction leads to distraction.
' That's a WorkSafe slogan, right, Dad? I think so, mate.
Just make sure nobody gets hurt.
Love you.
Come to Papa.
Oh, yeah! Oh! OK, how about a little bit of .
this? Oh, oh! Oh! You alright? Sorry.
You were saying? Yeah.
Might need to install a backwater valve.
Ah! Margaret? Best I leave you to it.
(Julie laughs) Oh, come off it! How are those tickets on yourself? Tell them, mate.
She had the same face you did when I busted you and Dad in the pantry.
Oh, no.
Listen, you have to say something.
No, not before the lingerie party! Please, Dad.
We don't want to spoil the party.
I said I didn't want anyone getting hurt.
She didn't look like she was getting hurt to me.
I put so much thought into my sensor work.
I played that underwear like a piano.
I'm sorry.
It's not you that should apologise.
I am going to leave some anonymous feedback at the app store.
On the plus side, my sandwich was delicious.
Oh! Oh, maybe you feel like a little afternoon delight.
I've got Brianna's lingerie party, remember? The underwear was a joke.
You can't support a faulty product.
I'm supporting Brianna.
Besides, Mum's adamant that I go.
Why would you bring up your mother? I'm just saying Dad, can you drive me to Caitlin's? I'll take you on my way to Mum's.
Good! Great.
Got the place to myself.
A bit of quiet time for the D Train.
Bring that on! (Raucous bassoon honking) Why is Dad playing jazz bassoon? He's just a little frustrated.
# PIANO CONCERTO (Switches on dance music) # Why can't we put out the fire? Why can't we put out the fire? Ladies, welcome to the future of foreplay.
(Plays I Touch Myself) But don't take it from me.
Let's hear from Bess, who's been trialling this unbelievable new product.
Oh! No, no.
I don't think Come on up, Bess! Go on.
Ah The Under Wow is just as Brianna says .
We want details, don't we, ladies? I said, don't we, ladies?! LADIES: Yes.
I'd like to hear more about the performance of the product.
It was lovely.
Really nice.
I'm calling bullshit.
Sorry? 'Lovely' and 'nice' are not orgasm words.
It didn't work.
Yes, it did.
Well, describe it exactly.
Yeah, no, it didn't work.
Seriously? Danny pressed every Wow Zone and all I felt was a burning sensation where the clasp was digging into my back.
You should have been zinging and popping.
Zinging and popping? You must have been wearing it wrong.
I don't think I was.
Yeah, you were.
The bullseyes are supposed to be The underwear I wore was activated? You wore the Under Wow? While Wayne was doing my plumbing.
You didn't tell me there's some sort of robot inside them.
It can only be activated if someone's using the app.
Well, someone WAS using the app.
Wait, yours went off and yours didn't? Oh, my God.
I must have mixed up the user IDs.
Do you know what this means? The Under Wow works! Oh, dear God, it works.
Do you realise that that someone that was using the app on my mother was Danny! I DO NOT want to have sex with you.
Who do you want to have sex with? No-one.
No, I mean, I don't want to be the guy who pesters you for sex.
I want to be the guy on the beach with you on my shoulders, deliriously happy because he just got to marry the love of his life.
OK, I'll show you.
Here we go.
Margaret, could you take a photograph? I'm not going anywhere near your phone.
I'm getting more vol-au-vents.
Would you? Thank you.
What? Just as we did.
Nothing's changed.
It's alright.
OK, we'll do this one.
Yeah, I don't (Thud!) Ahh! It's alright.
I just .
just thought I could show you.
You did.
Ladies, you've just witnessed the future of foreplay.
That has nothing to do with Whoo-hoo! (Switches dance music back on) Do you think she'll tell us more about the zinging and the popping? But that doesn't explain the other times she's got faint around me.
Amber's probably right, though, that they were diabetes-related.
Margaret admitted that she's been hitting the macaroons pretty hard lately.
That's a relief, I guess.
You liked her having a thing for you, didn't you? Of course not! I bet your books are full of women who wished you'd installed more than their air conditioning.
I don't know about that.
'Oh, Mr Wheeler! Is it still broken or is that you making me all hot under the collar? Mr Wheeler!' That's the face I was trying to explain.
Get out.
Who are you texting? No-one.
And you? No-one.
(Electronic buzzing) (Buzzing intensifies) Pat! Yes? RAP: # Puberty! Say hi to body hair # And there's even more changes going on downstairs # Getting funny feelings while you're staring at girls Getting ready for acne taking over your world It's about a little family secret.
Which one? We had to research our family tree.
Dad's been finding all these Wheelers.
He lived in a manor house.
What's a manor house? Like full-on Downton Abbey.
If the Wheelers are from landed gentry, maybe we're all related.
We're not.
How do you know? I've met them.
Pop, you could be a lord.
And, Mum, you could be a lady.
I think that's probably taking it a bit far.
You stole a rabbit?! OSCAR: Can you look after him until we get back? Lenny! Lenny! Lenny, come back! I'm not going to hurt you.
I use Jurlique.
(Ting!) RAP: # It's OK to explore yourself when you're alone # Hey, babe That's just another excited hormone Puberty! Puberty blues Captions by CSI Australia