Upper Middle Bogan (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Bonds and Stocks

# Come on home # Coming home, baby, now # You know I'm waiting here for you # I'm coming home, now, real soon # You've been gone # Coming home, baby, now # You don't know what I'm going to do # I'm coming home I know I'm overdue # Since you went away # Expect me any day now, real soon # I'm coming home and never more to roam # Baby, tell me you're coming home # Baby, I'm for sure coming home I'm coming home Come on home.
Who's ready for a twilight picnic?! Hey! You won Lucky Friday.
Yeah! 6 years and 300 tickets, and I finally got A $1,200 hamper.
Eddie, get the picnic blanket.
I'm playing Scrabble with a girl in Istanbul.
Isn't her English a bit limited? Yes.
My average score is insane.
That's alright.
Dad will help me set up.
Baby, I'm in the middle of a kitchen revolution.
Who are you overthrowing? The stove, the Mixmaster, the food processor - now I can do it all with one appliance.
No, you're not having another gadget.
Oscar, look - devilled-ham paste.
Oh, you don't have to eat that.
(Shrieks) His name's Lenny.
Caspian and I liberated him.
They had an animal-rights group give a talk at the school.
He was used to test cosmetics.
He had a terrible life in the lab.
You stole him? Liberated.
From a cosmetics lab? No Here's the best part.
from the animal-rights people.
Why? He was shaking in his cage.
I don't think he liked going on all those school incursions.
Animal-rights activists? Danny, we'll be up on charges! They'll throw red paint on the door.
I have so many leather shoes! Which is why we can't say anything.
Mum, please.
He likes it here.
Look, he stopped shaking.
But your eyes are still leaking, aren't they? Can we get some drops? Fine.
But nobody breathes a word.
He can run around the backyard while we have our picnic! You can't have our picnic now, Mum.
I promised Lenny the two of us would have some quiet time.
Doesn't anyone want to share this with me? (Mobile phone rings) Oh, my God! Shut up! Ferreros and Turkish delight! Truffle salt for when we're feeling posh.
Two types of Kettle Chips.
How much do you want for all of it? What? No! I just want to share it.
OK, we'll divide it into groups - good guests Crap guests.
TV snacks.
Kayne? Devilled-ham paste! Kayne.
Amber, we're out of ink.
Can you grab some from work? Hi, Bess.
Come to lend a hand, have you? Yeah, of course.
With what? It's my school assignment.
We had to research our family tree.
We got onto familypedigree.
And it's amazing.
Dad's been finding all these Wheelers.
Just when we thought we couldn't fit any fucking more.
Oh, swear jar.
And is there a lot more space up there on that wall? A bit.
A lot.
Not for much longer.
Just found another branch.
So, your whole family's been working on your assignment together? I'll put their names on it.
Look, Bess, this is the clan so far, but here's a newbie.
Who is it? He's got a name, but I ran out of ink and logged out.
He's Philip Arthur Wheeler.
How do you spell it? W-H-E-E I think she means his first name.
Philip, one L.
Sure you want to find out where Kayne comes from? (Shrieks) What is it? Was it something in the hamper? 'Lord Philip Arthur Wheeler.
Born 1889, died 1958.
' Mum, we're related to a lord! You're joking? Look, babe, he was some big-wig landowner from the Riverina.
'Second-wealthiest in the district.
' Lived in a manor house.
Seriously? What's a manor house? Like, full-on Downton Abbey.
This is big.
This is very big.
You dream about what you might find, but Pop, you could be a lord.
Mum, you could be a lady.
I think that's probably taking it a bit far.
Oh! Truffle salt, anyone? (Laughter) Very kind of you, Lady Wheeler.
I'll have some after croquet! (Posh voice) Oh! This explains how you fit in.
Hello, beautiful family.
We need to talk.
Just doing some research into this kitchen appliance.
Where's Estonia? And can you download Scrabble there? Danny, I have the spoon.
Please tell me that's for cooking.
House meeting.
Oscar! Now? What about homework? Exploiting someone's limited English for your high score is not homework.
It's global politics.
Nice try.
Is it? I can never tell.
Mum, what do you want? I'm reading to Lenny.
We're having a house meeting.
BOTH: You're reading? That's very good! But this is more important.
I've decided we need to spend more time together.
We don't do things as a family.
We're so focused on ourselves.
I mean, why don't we ever do Oscar's homework with him? Because we pay tutors for that.
Alright, I'll ask Lenny if you can read to him.
Well, it's not exactly what I meant.
I know what you meant.
You meant This is not how the spoon thing works.
You want us to have a shared family hobby where we're bonded by a common goal.
I have an idea.
So, the next dish I want to make for you in this wonderful machine is a brownie.
A gadget demonstration? A HotmixPRO demonstration.
I've got some dark chocolate, I've got some eggs.
Now, we're not going to melt the chocolate.
That will be going in whole.
This is not a common goal - this is your goal.
I want to share it.
No, you want to buy it.
Can we go soon? I need to get back to Lenny.
The only thing we're sharing is a desire to get out.
I just want to show you what happens with this vanilla pod.
Some of us are enjoying ourselves.
The risotto is excellent, and made in seven minutes.
Takes longer to get into my Spanx.
Incredible, isn't it, Margaret? It doesn't just slice and dice - it mills, it bakes, it bread-makes! I don't care if it does my tax.
This is not what I meant.
Shh! We're up to sorbets.
How long is sorbets? Lenny will be getting so upset.
Who will be getting so upset? My rabbit.
I liberated Mum? The Wheelers have been researching their family tree, and guess what? They're descended from landed gentry.
They've made quite the descent.
We should do familypedigree.
com for our family No.
Well, if the Wheelers are from landed gentry, maybe we're all related.
We're not.
How do you know? I've met them.
Caspian is an eighth gold-rush Chinese and a quarter prostitute on his dad's side.
Do you see how crass it is, all that prying into people's lives? What's it really about? Knowing where we came from.
Gold digging.
Yes! We could be pirates.
Hey, you've got that photo on your wall of the old guy.
My great-great-great grandfather.
He looks like a pirate.
He's got that thing on his eye.
It's a monocle, not an eye patch.
Was he rich? He owned a newspaper.
Is that all? No, he owned a newspaper company, sweetheart.
That was a very special job before Google.
We could look it up together as a project! Is Danny buying a HotmixPRO? It's one of those things that really blows my mind.
(Machine whirring) You bought one and hid it from me? Only till now, when I didn't hear you coming.
How much did it cost? As much as your Lucky Friday hamper.
The difference is I spent six years buying my hamper.
No, the difference is your hamper wasn't engineered by Germans, except for the devilled-ham paste.
We're supposed to be bonding.
Look! I made waffles and croissants.
So we're bonding over heart disease? Is 'ltrvwr' a word? Edwina! Have you been there all night? I think so.
I'm spelling in Latvian.
Right, that's it! Shower, now.
What's that? Oh, Oscar thought Lenny might like to spend a night outdoors.
Danny! It was freezing last night! Was it? I only said he could stay out there until I went to bed.
Yes, but you didn't go to bed, and you didn't go to bed, and he went to bed on wet grass! Right, that's it! This self-involvement ends now.
Really? 'Cause storming out of a room seems pretty self-involved.
I was just saying, I'm really looking forward to the new family hobby.
The hardest thing about finding out you're posh is the hair.
It took me an hour-and-a-half to do the Lady Sybil Crawley, without the eclampsia, obviously.
So, is this it? Uh, yes.
Just the friands and the chicken curry and fishcakes.
He spent two grand on one appliance? Well, it is German.
I'll tell you what else is German.
And not one of these cost more than $29.
Ha! So she's still alive, this Lady Meredith Gwendolyn Wheeler? Yeah, and living in Echuca.
Can you believe it? All those holidays on the Murray River.
We might have bumped into her.
You think Lady Meredith would've been barefooting on the back of a Mercury 350? We might have seen her on the paddle steamer.
Bess, check it, I've been practising my curtsies.
Girls don't kiss each other's hand, you idiot.
It's 2014, Amber.
He got through! Pop got through.
I think I got the caretaker.
Mr Carson! He's trying to find her.
The place must be enormous.
But he said we could come up on Saturday if Hello, Lady Wheeler? Yes, Wayne Wheeler, your great-great nephew.
Hi, Lady Wheeler, I'm Kayne! I'm Brianna, which Crawley am I? Hopefully the one that goes on the Titanic.
Bess, you've got to come.
Oh, I'd love to! Yes! But did Wayne say Saturday? You working? No, I've planned something with the family.
My family, I mean.
Well, I can't wait either, Lady Wheeler.
Dad, ask her if she's got dirt bikes or if we should bring ours.
You've got to postpone.
I'll do your hair, if that's what you're worried about.
No, sorry, I can't.
I just need the four of us to do something together.
I'm trying to make a point.
Oh, you've made your point.
Are we ready to rock and roll? (Edwina's phone bleeps) Leave the Eastern Bloc at home today.
Danny! You packed the HotmixPRO? Yeah.
I can make us lattes.
Where were you planning to plug it in? Well When did you buy that? And why are you wearing it now? If I'm not going to enjoy the rock climbing, I'm going to enjoy the well-designed equipment.
You realise you've got a problem, right? Yes.
Have you got a harness for a rabbit? Oscar, no personal obsessions.
I can't leave Lenny, not for the whole day.
Who's going to force open your sticky eyes after your naps? Hi, Mum.
Sorry to spring this on you, but I knew you'd say 'no' over the phone.
The answer is still 'no'.
I'm not coming rock climbing.
No, it's about This is difficult.
Our little family secret.
Which one? The rabbit one.
The stolen-rabbit one.
Oscar has been very upset since he discovered They were very poor.
He was only 12.
Who was - Lenny? Colin.
com said his name was Lenny? Who's Colin? Who's Lenny? This is Lenny.
Oscar stole him.
You stole a rabbit?! Liberated.
Lenny was in a cosmetics experiment.
So, I took him from the animal-rights people.
The animal-rights people were making cosmetics? No.
Oscar got a bit confused, because he's Oscar.
And that's why Lenny has to be kept a secret.
You can look after him till we get back.
He can't be left alone too long, otherwise his eyelids will seize.
Oh, no, I couldn't possibly.
Wait, why were you talking about familypedigree.
com? How often does he need his drops? (Toots horn) Sorry, Jules.
Lady Meredith said she'd show us the family tartan, so I thought I'd better grab her some stickers.
I'm not wearing any fucking tartan.
Is there tartan? He means the family crest.
(Chuckles) Have a look at her, Jules.
We'll never get her home again.
They'll want to keep her at the manor house.
Got an outfit for Kayne? Here we are.
Just the four of us.
Nothing but each other and A really high rock.
It's not that high.
And it's spooky.
It's not spooky.
Is it, Danny? No.
Oscar, you keep an eye out for Miranda and the other girls.
Just look for long white dresses.
I thought it was just us four.
You said no phones.
I'm reading the instructions.
You said you knew how to do it.
I did not.
The point was to choose a hobby none of us know how to do.
So, you picked rock climbing? Why, was BASE-jumping booked out? Actually, smarty pants, you can't book BASE-jumping, because it's mostly illegal Sorry, you inquired? It's OK, guys.
It's easy.
(Gasps) Good boy, Oscar! See? The only one not complaining's made it all the way to Bottom of the rock.
Don't look at me like that.
I'm not going to hurt you.
I use Jurlique.
And by the way, I'm the one who should be frightened.
Because of you, I nearly blurted out the truth about Colin.
(Sighs) Yes, I suppose it would be an unburdening of sorts.
No, I can't.
I won't.
I'll tell you.
What do I do now? What do I do now? Eddie, what does Wikipedia say? (Phone bleeps) Are you playing Scrabble?! Do I need to remind you, young lady, our lives are in your hands? What would happen if we fell? Nothing.
This is now strictly for an emergency.
Is there gonna be an emergency? There might be.
The Wheeler mansion where it all started.
It's a bit run-down, Dad.
It didn't look so old on Google Earth, did it? The brickwork is crumbling, Pop.
Lady Meredith probably doesn't know about rendering.
And don't forget, these old places need a lot of .
Remind me to fix that later, Kayne.
(Knocks) Hello? Lady Meredith, it's Wayne.
Wayne Wheeler.
Maybe she's having a nap.
Where's the housekeeper? And where are the maids? Is there a gardener, or Oh, for shit's sake.
Come on.
Hello! Is anyone home? Look, Wayne, a ballroom! Where are the balls? Not like Ikea, you dickhead - for dancing.
Your very own ballroom for Zumba! May I? # WALTZ (Chuckles) (Gasps) Remind me to fix this later, Kayne.
My great-great-great grandfather, Colin, made a name for himself with his newspaper, eventually.
Before that, Colin was a builder.
Oh, he built all sorts of things - railways, bridges, hospitals, all the things that convicts build.
Yes, you heard me.
He was a convict.
My great-great-great grandfather was sent to the colony for stealing rabbits, and now my grandson's stealing rabbits.
What is happening? Why is the past coming to haunt me? No-one must ever hear of this.
We were free settlers, do you hear me? We went straight to Adelaide - Hills, not town! Maybe we should just go, babe.
Before you break anything else.
Lady Wheeler is expecting us.
Then where is she? Probably ducked down the shops to get some elevenses.
Let's wait out the front.
It's creepy in here, Pop.
It's not creepy.
Place just needs a bit of a cuddle.
A bit of new paint, carpet, wallpaper.
Pull up the floorboards, render the bricks, fix the door knocker.
(Crash!) Re-attach the big animal head to the wall.
Right, that's it, we're out of here.
Dad, don't touch it! Yuck! I'm officially over Wheeler Abbey.
Who has that on their wall? Nobody now.
Put it down, Wayne.
We can't just leave it here.
Can I help you? Thanks, mate.
He's a heavy unit.
No, I meant what are you all doing in here? Beg yours.
I'm Wayne Wheeler, Lady Meredith's great-great nephew.
Of course.
We spoke on the phone.
Mr Carson, the caretaker.
No, I'm Steve, the neighbour.
I pop in every couple of days to check up on Meredith.
Popped in, I should say.
Why should you say that? Meredith passed away on Thursday.
I'm so sorry.
You didn't know? No.
Look, it was peaceful.
In her sleep? At the TAB, actually.
She loved a flutter.
She'd just backed a winner at Kyneton.
Poor Lady Meredith.
You don't have to worry about putting that back up, Wayne.
Everything's gonna be sold anyway.
Danny, that's it! Lift your left leg onto the ledge a bit more.
Yay! How far up am I? About a foot.
(Grunts) Danny! It'll take forever if you keep jumping off.
I didn't jump off.
Just use the track around the side.
It's heaps quicker.
Come down from there at once! That's cheating.
(Mobile bleeps) (Gasps) Oh! Oh, Lady Meredith died.
Wayne's really upset.
They've headed home.
What are you doing? We should go see them.
We should.
Yeah, Wayne will be so cut up.
I feel cut up.
Poor Lady Marabelle.
Mm, mm.
They need you, Bessie.
Oh, what about our bonding? Mourning's very bonding.
Grief unites us.
Think about Princess Diana.
Her death united a nation.
Didn't it tear the Royal Family apart? The point is, we have to go.
I want to grieve too.
How does he keep doing that? Your eyes are looking better now.
You really are quite sweet, you know? (Chuckles) The funny thing is, if my ancestors hadn't stolen your ancestors, neither of us would be here now.
(Chuckles) Well, obviously, if Oscar hadn't stolen you, you wouldn't be here now.
No, quite right - liberated, not stolen.
Oscar is not a thief.
Of course he isn't.
What was I thinking? How could he have anything to do with my great-great-great-great grandfather? Technically, they're not even related, and even so, the past is the past.
How can any of that make any difference now? (Mobile bleeps) A wake at the Wheelers'? Who died? I'm so sorry, Wayne.
I know.
It's tough.
We have to remember the good times.
Dad, there were no good times.
That house was disgusting.
It was? It was falling apart.
But huge.
How many acres do you reckon? I don't know.
The garden was so overgrown.
So, I reckon we raze it, build something new.
Maybe subdivide.
We're her last living relatives.
We're in mourning, Amber.
We never even met her! We're not attached to her or that house.
Speak for yourself.
I got attached to that house.
Only when you fell through the floor and we had to pull you out.
Need help with your splinters, Dad? It's fine.
I'll do it later.
All I'm saying is that money could be very handy, split five ways.
You forgot Bess.
Since when does she need a fucking hand-out? Oi, now! No, Amber's right.
I don't need the money.
See? Doesn't matter whether she needs it or not, you're entitled to it, Bess.
Seriously, she paid $2,000 for a blender.
That was Danny.
It is so much more than a blender.
She's part of the family, Amber.
Oh, when it suits her.
Where was she when we were choking on asbestos at the Wheeler mansion? That's very unfair, Amber.
There was no asbestos.
She couldn't come because she had to go bungee jumping.
It was rock climbing.
Yeah, rock climbing, with Danny and the kids.
How was it? Oh, yep.
Yeah, it was Excuse me.
(Knock at door) Ohh! I was trying to bond with this family, and then I missed out on bonding with THAT family, and Amber's mad at me.
Well, I'm mad at her, because the HotmixPRO is not a blender.
I just want our family to be tight and close like they are.
Baby, we are tight and close, but like WE are.
(Knock at door) Are you alright? Do you miss Lady Meredith? See? Any closer and tighter, and oxygen masks would fall from the ceiling.
(Laughs) (Car horn toots La Cucaracha) Lenny! Lenny! Lenny, come back! Lenny! So, obviously, I was joking before when I said that you're not part of the family, because you are.
(Clears throat) And when I said that you shouldn't get any of the money, because you should.
Oh, no, we don't need to hug.
Argh! What are you doing? Oh! I lost my rabbit.
No, got him! That's not your rabbit.
Yes, it is.
Daddy! Daddy! No, I'm not She's stealing Bubbles! OK, lady, put the rabbit down.
I'm afraid you don't understand.
Look, I'm sorry that you're lonely.
I beg your pardon! There are plenty of pet stores if This is my rabbit! OK, I'm calling the police.
Margaret? Everything alright? Oh, g'day, Craig.
Wayne! Oscar's rabbit, Lenny, ran out of the car.
I came to get him! That's not Lenny, Nanny Margaret.
That's Lenny.
Oh, dear God.
I'm stealing rabbits.
So now you know.
Convict ancestors? Actual convict ancestors? What do you think would possess me to make that up? Prestige? Very droll.
It happens a lot.
Girls at my school forge shipping papers to say they're from convict stock.
What? Yeah, convict lineage is the Lamborghini of genealogy.
You're an original.
Like, actual Gucci, not from Kuta.
Yay! We're from convict stock.
Are you saying you'd rather have a penal past than be born of nobility? I don't think that's what Bess EVERYONE: Yes.
No, I mean, I would rather have both.
But you do have both, see, because the Wheelers are the nobility and Margaret is the penal.
It's not that funny.
You are fucking kidding me! That was Steve, Lady Meredith's neighbour.
Why is he ringing you? I took his number.
Ha! # Amber and Steve, sitting in a tree K-I-S-S Whoa, whoa.
I just wanted the name of the solicitor who's handling the sale.
Amber, for the last time, we're not interested in her money.
Because there is none.
Remember how she died at the TAB? She was a gambler.
She was up to her eyeballs in debt.
That explains why the house was so run-down.
Explains how we're related.
So I'm glad none of you cared about an inheritance.
Perhaps we should have a toast.
I'm not toasting Lady Meredith.
To the ties that bind us, to the bonds that tie us, to close family feelings that we can't see.
Don't need to talk about it.
To the present.
ALL: To the present.
(Mobile bleeps) Edwina? This is it, after all the creditors were paid.
And Mum was right - you are entitled to it.
If the Broccolini's have got a dance, you need one too, Shawny.
Amber says it's time to stop dressing like I'm going to parent-teacher interviews.
(Gasps) What's wrong with the clothes that I buy you? Casual polos.
Going-out polos.
Long-sleeved polos.
Can I go to the junior dragsters? Just do you best, love.
And win.
Will Dad be alright when Shawn loses the final? Cheezel, Margaret? I can't watch.
Captions by CSI Australia