Upper Middle Bogan (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - I Dream of Broccolini

(Car lock bleeps) # Come on home # Coming home, baby, now # You know I'm waiting here for you # I'm coming home, now, real soon # You've been gone # Coming home, baby, now # You don't know what I'm going to do # I'm coming home I know I'm overdue # Since you went away # Expect me any day now, real soon # I'm coming home and never more to roam # Baby, tell me you're coming home # Baby, I'm for sure coming home # I'm coming home Come on home.
Mm! Oh, see, isn't this great? Out in the fresh air! We're buying produce from local growers.
Was this coffee really $6? Organic milk.
And the cow seemed really nice.
See? Look at this, look at this.
No pesticides, no irradiation, no GM.
And the money goes straight in the farmer's pocket.
That's, uh, $17.
OK.
There you go.
I don't have any change.
Oh, happy to help.
Remember, it's not over till the end of nappies! The pull-ups.
You're not getting past me, mate.
I'm gonna get you.
Ah! Whoo! Whoa Jesus.
Oh! Wayne? You right, Pop? Golden.
The Broccoli Baron.
Nice to see you're still racing.
Good on you for letting the kids win.
Have you been letting us win, Dad? Yep.
How you doing, Benjie? I just don't see why Amber always gets the snack trolley.
Maybe ask your arse.
Ladies.
Julie.
Benjie.
Looking exceptional, as always.
(Laughs) Thank you.
BJ and I are just stocking up for the Junior Nats on Sunday.
Please tell me you're putting a car in, guys.
Not this time.
If money's a problem, I'm happy to help.
I can give Shawn here some sponsorship, hook him up with some company signage.
He can wear the broccoli suit, Dad.
Money's not a problem.
Yeah, you save a lot buying in bulk.
It's just that Shawn doesn't want to race.
Doesn't want to lose, more like it.
Hey, hey, hey.
Watch your mouth in front of Wayne.
This man's drag-racing royalty.
There was a time when he couldn't be beaten.
You beat him, didn't you, Dad? (Clicks tongue) Just once.
I don't have much on on Sunday.
What about you, Pop? See you down the track.
(Chuckles) You will.
Nice one, kiddo.
Total legend.
You wouldn't do it when I asked.
That's 'cause you and Dad annoy me.
I'm doing this for Pop.
Who put fucking gherkins in here? Wayne has a nemesis.
I'm impressed.
Mm.
His name's Benjie Amenta and he owns a broccoli empire.
The Broccoli Empire? Was that the 5th or the 7th century? (Chortles) He's the one that crashed into Wayne and made him lose his eye.
No way! Yeah.
And he's got a son who's Shawn's age, so now the Junior Dragsters have turned into an epic grudge match and we're going along to watch.
Awesome! Sounds like a great thing for you and the kids to do.
You're coming.
I suppose you'll be forcing me to come next.
Oh, God, no.
I still haven't heard the end of last time.
Anyway, it's on Sunday.
Don't you have a Parkinson's fundraiser? No.
That's Saturday.
Sunday is Visual Impairment Day.
Then Monday - Dogs for the Disabled.
Tuesday - Shelter for the Homeless.
Be nice to have a day off.
# Mm, start Start me, mm, up # Mm, start, start me, mm, up # You started something in me # You put me into gear, turned the key # Now my heart's been racing for you # Since you started something in me # I stood on the brink the second I met you # That smile on your face Now I can't forget you # Baby, you're driving me crazy # My heart starts crashing when you're coming near me # The lights start flashing but I can see clearly # You started something in me You started something in me WAYNE: Whoa.
They weren't kidding about the suit.
Ah, look who's here.
Surprise! Hey.
We didn't think you'd make it to the show and shine.
Who wouldn't want to get up close to this champion? Edwina and Dad.
Mum made them come.
Oh, I had an assignment to do on the Russian Revolution.
And she might've needed my help.
Yeah.
But she never needs your help.
So, who is this grease monkey? Oh, Danny! That's what they call 'em.
In Happy Days.
Yep, this is my friend Nuts.
(Grunts) Is that right, Nuts? That's the most I've heard him say in about six months.
(Chuckles) (Girls scream and squeal) # You started something in me # And that numbskull's who we're gonna beat to a pulp on Sunday.
(Girls laugh) Wow.
I know.
What a show pony.
# You started something in me # You started something # Mm, start Start me, mm, up # You started something Mm, start Start me, mm, up.
Rahh! Hi, Pop.
You're supposed to react.
But you do it all the time.
Who put this in the toolbox? Did it scare you? No.
Yeah, I need to get a real snake.
Biscuit, Shawnie? I've set up a bunch of tests around the house to hone Shawn's reflexes.
They're not working.
Oh, my God, hilarious! Wayne.
That's not one of mine.
What's it called again, Dad? It's called a kohlrabi.
It's part of the cabbage family.
What do you do with it? (Sighs) What do you mean 'What do you do with it'? 'What don't you do with it?' really, is the question.
Margaret, hi.
Why am I being welcomed? Mum, here's our donations for your fundraisers.
You can send the Visual Impairment on yourself.
I'm not going.
Oh.
Actually, I told Joan you're making me go with you .
.
to the Junior Dragsters.
Have you? I suspect I shall have to lie low in the house on Sunday.
Don't want to be caught in a lie.
(Chuckles) No.
I made a vine about Shawn's dragster and embedded it on my Tumblr.
Do you wanna help me think of a tweet? I was just going to suggest that myself.
She is angling for an invitation.
Well, she can have my spot.
No.
She always does this.
She can't come right out and ask - that would be too gauche.
No, no, she has to wait for me to invite her, like she's doing me some big favour.
She'd be doing me a big favour if she took my spot.
No.
She's gonna have to ask.
drag-racing? Does seem excessive.
Knock, knock.
Sweetheart! It's nearly midnight.
Your assignment can wait until tomorrow.
No, I wasn't Are you blushing? Maybe.
Don't be embarrassed about working so hard.
I love my nerdy girl.
OK.
Now Shawn has a training session on Thursday after school and I know that you're very busy revolting but I'll go.
It's just I've got to work late I'm happy to go.
Really? Yeah, because You are such a team player! Good girl.
Oh, my God, wow! Sorry? Wow, as in 'I thought he'd be much faster than that'.
(Girls squealing) Did he just? Has he got a dance? He's got a dance.
If the Broccolinis have got a dance, you need one too, Shawnie.
Yep, not gonna happen.
Right, Nuts? (Grunts) (Engine starts) OK, S-Man, stop worrying about his times.
I didn't see his times.
What did he get? I said stop worrying about it.
You've got one job to do here and we don't want any distractions.
Remember when I brought home the ribbon from Little Athletics? I didn't let anything get in my way.
And I had three things to think about - hop, skip and jump.
Not helping! OK, Shawnie, remember, reflexes.
Come on, S-Man! Yes! (Bang!) (Engine splutters) We really need a dance.
You right? Get a good look? Don't you have the internet? (Scoffs) Amber how do you get guys to notice you? I'd say breathing, but that's probably giving them too much credit.
I see.
Bit of rough trade.
I guess so, relatively speaking.
It's always the quiet ones.
Seriously, you've never been to Northlands? Southlands? Eastlands? None of the lands? We usually go shopping in town.
Town?! What is this, fuckin' 1886? Come on.
# RICKI LEE: Do It Like That We did this for State School Spectacular.
And totally smashed it out of Rod Laver Arena.
# Uh uh uh uh oh # Uh uh uh uh oh Uh uh uh uh oh And you turn around.
And then you grind it.
Got you wrapped around my pink (Stops music) Look, I love what we've got so far.
But I just think we need to add an element of threat, something a bit more primal.
Here they are.
How's it going over at 'Race Central'? Awesome.
Kayne, Nuts and I took the engine apart.
Hope you remembered to put it back together.
What are all these bags? Uh, Amber took me late-night shopping.
Clothes shopping? Yeah.
But we normally go clothes shopping together.
Amber's helping me find a new look.
Isn't that nice of her? Mm.
They spelled 'super' wrong.
I'm just gonna go put these in my room.
Isn't that fantastic? My family all getting close.
Mm, it's just what you wanted.
(Sighs) Oh.
Exactly.
Hmph.
I'm just What's wrong with the clothes that I buy you? Amber says it's time to stop dressing like I'm going to parent-teacher interviews.
(Scoffs) It's time to start accentuating my positives.
The clothes that I buy you accentuate your positives.
Look.
We've got casual polos, going-out polos, long-sleeved polos.
This one - it's youthful, it's flattering.
I've got the same one in blue.
You started something in me Yeah, I really think some of his finishes are a bit sloppy.
Babe.
Oh, and see that? He just doesn't have the life experiences to make you feel it.
Do you think you might be putting a bit too much pressure on Shawn? Nah.
The trip wires, the booby traps, the dancing.
I know what Benjie did to you.
Jules, it's just a bit of fun.
Wayne, there is a tennis ball machine aimed at the bungalow! SHAWN: Ow! Pop! Oh! Ooh! Bang it hard.
Crisp.
Boom.
Yes, yeah, we are looking forward to the big race tomorrow.
Is that the kohlrabi? No, that is the mushroom.
When are we having the kohlrabi? Oh! Just go and get your sister, please.
Yes, yeah, yeah.
It is gonna be good weather tomorrow, isn't it? I'm still here.
I'm just waiting for you to say something.
OK, then.
Bye.
Unbelievable! You or her? I'm sorry, but until she can come out and ask for something like an adult You're gonna behave like a child? Yes.
No.
What is that? (Inhales sharply) Um Uh (Exhales) That is the exploitation of Third and First World women.
Huh? That That is a shabu shabu.
It's a Japanese fondue.
And you dip them in and We brought race eve pizza.
It's a tradition.
We didn't want you to feel left out.
It's always an option.
Oh.
I'll get some plates.
Oh, no, don't need plates.
No, no.
Neither do we.
(Chuckles) Oscar, what about the shabu shabu? Oh, yeah.
You are totally rocking that top, E! Oh, isn't it great? You know, I've got the same one in blue.
I really don't appreciate you putting ideas into Edwina's head about how to dress.
Oh, here we go.
She's my daughter, not your Bratz doll.
How's about 'Thanks, Amber, for showing my daughter how real teenagers dress.
' (Belches) 'Here's your 43 bucks back'? Was that top $43? That and five others.
Wow.
And I'm not even charging you for the two hours I spent in the food court talking to her about boys.
She talked to you about boys? Try one boy.
One boy? Edwina likes a boy? Hello.
Edwina! Why didn't you tell me? Mum.
She's just got a bit of a thing for Nuts, that's all.
Nuts? Nuts? I don't like Nuts.
Why does everyone call him 'Nuts'? Mate, it's a bit obvious, don't you think? His last name's Bolt.
AMBER: Nothing to be ashamed of.
Yeah, a lot of girls like Nuts.
I think you and Nuts would look really good together.
Can everybody stop talking about my daughter and Nuts? I don't like Nuts! I like BJ.
BJ? The Broccolini? I thought you were looking at his profile page to help me.
But you're only doing it for you.
I'm sorry.
I didn't I didn't know.
Well, now you know.
No-one in our family dates an Amenta.
Or you might think about it but you just don't go there.
What? What? Uh, nothing, nothing.
Come on, kids.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Oo-ooh! I brought a little good luck card for Shawn for his big race today.
(Sighs) Edwina's not coming.
Do you know that she has a crush on a boy? I thought girls were all the rage these days.
She didn't even tell me about it.
Instead she had a DandM with Amber over lemon chicken.
I'll just put this on the fridge.
I have been waiting her whole life to have the boy chat.
Why couldn't she ask me? Perhaps I'll put it over there.
I'm right here, willing, waiting to be asked.
That's better.
I mean, what do I have to do? Beg? Ask me, ask me! Can I go to the Junior Dragsters? Was it so hard? I feel soiled.
Haven't changed your mind? Wayne's mad at me, Shawn's mad at me, they're all mad at me.
Well, I don't see why Amber would be mad with you.
She's the one that bought you the clothes to impress, um BJ? Him.
She was helping me, Mum.
He only takes notice of the pretty girls.
Oh, Edwina.
You're prettier than all of the girls.
No.
I'm your nerdy girl, remember? You can be nerdy and pretty.
And besides, nerdy is cool.
Look at the guys who run Google.
Firstly, they're 40-year-old men.
Secondly, can you see why I had to talk to Amber about this? I need to finish my assignment anyway.
You know, if you like BJ, you should tell him.
Today.
The Wheelers would kill me.
I'll tell you a little secret.
(Clears throat) Nanny Margaret didn't like your father when she first met him.
How is that a secret? She still doesn't like him.
The point is, you can like whoever you want and no-one can stop you.
OK.
I'll go.
Should I wear my new clothes? Hm? I know, I know, it's stupid to be so superficial.
Doesn't change who you are on the inside.
Exactly.
It's an outfit, not a blood transfusion.
There is nothing wrong with wearing something to show a different side of yourself.
But, actually, I think I want a guy who likes me no matter what I look like.
Like Dad with you.
What do you mean like Dad with me? I'll give these clothes back to Amber today.
She can get her money back.
Really? Well, if you're sure.
I am.
You are amazing.
Yep, don't do that near BJ.
# Shift it Shift it # Let's move it Let's shift it # Let's shift that into gear # Let's move it Let's shift it # Let's shift that into gear # Shift it Shift it # Shift it to the floor # Shift it, shift it # Let me hear your talk # Let me hear it, baby # Come on, talk # Move it # Come on # Move it to the rhythm # Come on! Come on! # Come on! # Move it to the rhythm # Come on! Come on! Yeah! He's got at least a second on Shawn.
(Cheering and applause) (Horns blaring) Absolutely, Dad.
Strawberry.
Banana, banana.
Mm, start Start me, mm, up (Crowd cheering) (Blows hooter) # Mm, start Start me, mm, up # You started something in me You put me into gear, turned the key Will Dad be alright when Shawn loses the final? Cheezel, Margaret? Or kohlrabi with hummus? Would you put that away? We'll get bashed.
Actually I'm saving myself for a corn dog.
# Now I can't forget you Baby, you're driving me crazy Beej, what did I say about signing skin? I'm just liaising with my fans.
Come on, get your mind on the job.
It is.
The race, BJ.
The race.
Come on, girls.
You're gonna have to leave.
BJ needs to prepare.
Come on.
Excuse me.
Mr Amenta? Oh, Benjie, mate.
Hi, Danny Bright.
Listen, um, my daughter's a bit sweet on your son, I think.
I've just got a couple of questions, if you don't mind.
Yeah, sure.
Do you use any pesticides or fertilisers in your broccoli? Hey? Are your crops irradiated or genetically-modified? Are you one of these vegetable activists, are you? Well, actually I do believe that the raw Which one's your daughter? Oh, that's her there.
My little sweetie pie.
Yeah.
I don't think you need to worry about my pesticides, mate.
That's it.
Get it right up there.
Yep.
Organic, all the way.
What the hell are you doing? We were just, uh I just No, I just slipped over and it got stuck on there.
Danny, you don't think I've heard that a million times before at the hospital? I know this race means a lot to you, Wayne, but us Wheelers do not cheat.
But we were just Ever! OK, kiddo.
It's crunch time.
Just do your best, love.
And win.
Hey, BJ.
I just wanted OK, ladies.
Dad says no girls on the track for the final.
GIRL: Ohh Oh, I'm sorry, I'll get out of your way, then.
No, I mean the hotties.
You can stay.
Dad just doesn't want me getting distracted.
How are your reflexes? Good.
Ow! OK.
Forget the reflexes.
Trash-talk time.
Go.
Hey, BJ? Hope you got a little 'getting your arse kicked' dance ready 'cause 'cause I'm about to (Music leaks from earphones) That's good, that's good, that's good.
That's good trash-talk.
This is not good.
This is very not good.
BJ's got the car, he's got the psychological advantage.
And he does have very nice hair.
I can't watch.
Is there another Wheeler sibling I don't know about? Is is that Edwina? What is she doing?! Did you did you tell her she could dress up like a 32-year-old? Um (Buzzer blares) Psyche out! What just happened? Has the race started? No, BJ shot his load too early.
Yeah, it's a big problem with the young ones.
Oh! (All cheer) Come on! ANNOUNCER: The young Broccoli Baron has jumped the start and is disqualified and Shawn Wheeler gets there eventually in a whopping 22.
72 seconds.
I can't you believe you did that! You did mean to do that, didn't you? I don't like BJ anymore.
(Horn blares) JULIE: Love you, Shawnie! Shawnie! Shawnie! Eddie, do you have a jumper you can put on? # RICKI LEE: Do It Like That SHAWN: Go Pop! JULIE: Go Wayne! You're beautiful! You're beautiful! # Uh uh uh uh oh # Got you wrapped around my pinkie # So whip your chain to this # Oh # Your eyes keep saying 'Let's get busy' # I bet you're gonna work for it # Oh Down low I'm gonna get you high BESS: Danny! # 'Cause I know how to blow your mind # Baby, get ready for this # 'Cause it's about to get serious # You like it when I do it like that You watch it when I do it like SHAWN: Go Kayne, go Kayne! # Gotta have it when I do it like that # You want, want, want me when I do it like that (Hooter blares) # You watch it when I do it like that # Gotta have it when I do it like that # You want, want, want me when I do it like that # Not trying to fall in love tonight # I just want a little fun tonight # So if you're with me and you feel alright just say Hey! Oh! (Cheering and applause) Keep that on, please.
Keep it on.
(Hooter blares) (Crowd cheering) And you weren't worried? I knew exactly what she was doing.
Did you? We talked all about it.
She was trying to prove a point.
Trust me.
BJ Amenta is not her type.
Hey.
Do you want to go out sometime? Sure.
You started something in me So, obviously, the suit's gotta go.
We're thinking more of a wheel.
For team Wheeler.
So, where do you see yourself in five years? Since you started something in me.
So what if she's a doctor? If went to a posh school we'd all be doctors too.
Well, I would anyway.
What are you doing? Looking for an exit.
Do you thik we could for a mattress through here? Do you think you could tell the Wheelers that you're not their GP? We didn't call.
Oh, you should have.
JULIE: We thought you might put in a good word for Amber.
Can I be frank? I'm not sure you can be anything else.
How long have you had that boil, Kayne? It's been pussy since March.
Ow! Amber! Don't dent the cling wrap.
Captions by CSI Australia