Upper Middle Bogan (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Occupation Hazards

(Car lock bleeps) # Come on home # Coming home, baby, now # You know I'm waiting here for you # I'm coming home, now, real soon # You've been gone # Coming home, baby, now # You don't know what I'm going to do # I'm coming home I know I'm overdue # Since you went away # Expect me any day now, real soon # I'm coming home and never more to roam # Baby, tell me you're coming home # Baby, I'm for sure coming home # I'm coming home Come on home.
(Clears throat) (Coughs) (Coughs and splutters) Oh Mum! Did you see what she just did? Cover your mouth, love.
What if I get sick? After how many hurdles I had to jump through to get this interview.
You jump through hoops, you climb over hurdles.
And you smack in the head.
Ow! Amber! Don't dent the cling wrap.
Why are you letting her infect everyone like she's Gwyneth Paltrow in that movie where she carks it? Is that that Sliding Doors one? I like that one.
Honey, if you were gonna get sick, it would've happened by now.
Thanks for your sympathy.
Go to the doctor.
(Coughs) Fuckin' hell! Cover your mouth.
Yeah, cover your mouth! No, I meant you.
If she has wrecked my one shot at promotion Sweetheart, honey, Amber, the interview is gonna be great.
You're gonna be great.
And you're gonna get it.
We're very proud of our big girl.
Well, actually your big girl is Bess, so Dad said don't dent the cling wrap! This is alfoil.
Morning! Hi, Mum.
You made me look like a fully-fledged alcoholic buying these before breakfast.
What, are they wrong ones? I didn't ask you to buy vodka.
I asked you to buy goji berries.
Goji berries? No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
For my muesli and yoghurt that I want to eat now.
(Clears throat) 'Hey, babe, can you pick up some good spirits on your way home?' Good spirits? I didn't say 'good spirits'.
(Inhales sharply) You know what? Doesn't matter.
You used the voice-activation again, didn't you? Hey? No.
How was your work, Bessie? No, no, no.
Hey, babe, can you pick up some goji berries on your way home? WOMAN ON RECORDING: Ready to send your message, Danny.
Danny, I told you not to use that.
It doesn't work.
Well, it's not her fault.
How's she supposed to know what goji berries are? I don't know what they are and I eat them.
You know she's an 'it', right? Just don't be mad at her, OK? I should've checked the text.
I'm sorry for getting you into trouble.
WOMAN ON RECORDING: No need to apologise.
Which meant that for the last eight months I've managed the small-business banking for all of our district branches.
So, now you feel equipped to take on the Regional Manager position? Especially because of the success rate of the small businesses we've given loans to.
Yes, you clearly do have a very good understanding of what businesses will work in the marketplace.
On that, Miss Wheeler, I'm wondering if your remember assessing a loan application for a young couple who wanted to open a patisserie? Shane and Erica Dawson.
Never forget a customer.
Yeah, you turned them down.
Yeah, you know what their experience was with pastry? They'd both eaten a sausage roll.
(Others chuckle) (Snorts) Hm.
Do you remember exactly what you said to Shane when you told him his loan application had been denied? Exactly? Well, no, I'm sure I Well, allow me to jog your memory, as your conversation was recorded for training purposes.
AMBER ON RECORDING: Shane, you and Erica opening a patisserie is the dumbest bloody thing I've ever heard of.
You haven't even spelled it right on the application, you moron.
SHANE ON RECORDING: Well, obviously I'd learn how to spell it properly if Uh-uh, listen to me.
You need to think things through before you come to me again with any more of this bullshit.
You swore at a customer.
You don't understand - Shane and Erica, they're the sort of people who really want to make something of themselves but don't know how to go about it.
I'm doing them a fuck I'm doing them a favour.
How do I make my own pasta? I'm asking her how I make pasta.
Yeah, there might be easier Shush, shush.
(Car approaching) WOMAN ON RECORDING: Here's one I've found.
Read it and weep, lady.
How do I make my own pasta? OK, you need to form a religious group, then nominate a head.
What? No, 'past-a'.
Not 'past-or'.
She only gets it wrong when you're around.
(Coughs, moans and splutters) Oh, Brianna, are you alright? You look Uh, Bess, Bess, before I forget, I need to borrow a handbag.
Oh, yeah, OK.
Um which one? Oh, any one.
I'm just a bit short on handbags.
Uh this sort of thing? What? Oh, no, no.
I don't want to borrow a handbag.
Maybe I should take you shopping, get you something with a bit more sparkle.
No, can you take a look at Brianna? She's really she's really crook.
You know, I rang the medical centre and I talked through her symptoms to them and they said she'd need to see a doctor.
But they didn't have any? Brianna has panic attacks around doctors ever since she had her appendix out.
Oh, well, that can be a very painful procedure.
I know, especially when you go in for your wisdom teeth.
What? There was a mix-up with the paperwork.
The poor kid goes in with a toothache but wakes up with her stomach cut open and a toothache.
Julie, that's terrible! Well, these things have gotta come out sooner or later, don't they? No.
Anyway, she now has breakdowns every time anything remotely medical's done to her, so could you check her out without her knowing? Oh, did I tell you I read something interesting? Apparently the length of your tongue is directly related to how smart you are.
Sorry, I meant how attractive you are.
Really? I have a long tongue.
Not as long as mine.
Is so! Oh, wait.
I'll measure them.
Oh, wow! You are super-attractive because your tongue starts all the way back down here, which, the article says, is exactly like Beyonce's.
Is it? Yay! You're just like Beyonce! I'm a bit hot, Bess.
Yes, yes, you are, but I just feel so lucky to have a little sister who's genetically compatible with the success story of Destiny's Child.
I do feel a bit sorry for the other two.
But, um, Julie, take a photo.
Oh, good idea.
Uh, smile.
Oh, wait.
I think I blinked.
OK, I'll take another one.
Mum! One more.
(Ding!) Actually, don't worry.
That's it.
BESS: I'm going to the chemist.
What just happened? COMMENTATOR ON TV: He went to the outside.
There was nearly contact with Thompson and Hutchence.
We're underway.
Lap one of 40.
And everybody upstairs What's that? What? This? It's just my maths test.
Pardon? That is an A'.
What I mean is, what's that on your eyebrow? My piercing.
I got it with Dad.
You've seen it.
What I haven't seen is my good sterling silver sleeper through it.
Well, it will get infected if I wear the one Dad bought.
Bad luck.
Take it out.
Seriously? This is what happens when I get an 'A'.
Oh Sorry, bub, it's great.
KAYNE: Dinner! You didn't get the job.
Dinner! We heard you the first time, you dickhead! Bess was amazing.
She really was.
And you had no idea? I had no idea.
I can't believe she did a full diagnosis.
Tonsillitis, just like that.
And the whole time I thought we were talking about Beyonce.
Bess is very clever, isn't she? I don't know, is Bess clever or is Brianna just a fuckin' idiot? Swear jar, Amber, and double because that was mean.
I don't know why you wouldn't be happy that Bess helped Brianna or why you wouldn't be proud because your sister's a doctor.
So what if she's a doctor.
If we went to a posh school with private tutors, we'd all be doctors too.
Well, I would anyway.
But as if.
You're born into medical school.
You don't just get to go.
Wish I had been instead of into this shithole.
She didn't get the job.
Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.
That's terrible news about the promotion, love.
Did they give you a reason? Yep.
Digby Nolan hates my guts.
Who's Digby Nolan? He's the state CEO of HR.
He's like the King of the North.
And he has a problem with the way I talk.
I'm gonna e-bomb his Facebook.
Apparently you're supposed to bullshit people with their crap ideas for businesses that are gonna fail in three months.
What kind of snob's not on Facebook? Maybe he just wants you to choose your words more carefully.
Words that are less R-rated.
If Digby Nolan ever stepped foot in a branch and actually met one of the numbskulls who's asking us for money, he'd bloody swear too.
This him? Oh, jeez, Shawn! Would you put that away? Nan.
Hold on, hold on.
Hold that there.
I think I saw Margaret.
Let's have a look.
Hang on.
The Board of the Old Throssingtonians.
What the fuck's an Old Throssingtonian? Maybe it's something to do with Oscar and Edwina's school.
(Sighs) Throssington Grammar.
Yeah, that'd be right.
I bet that's what they call ex-students.
BOTH: Old Throssingtonians.
You know what they call the ex-students from my school? Cell Block 9.
I'm going to bed.
Oh! What an unexpected visit.
We didn't call.
Oh, you should have.
Here's one out of left field for you.
Do you know a bloke called Nolan Digby? Digby Nolan.
Is it? Mm.
It's so confusing the way posh people use surnames as first names.
I do know Digby Nolan.
Do you? She knows him! (Whistles) Get out! No, Wayne They're for decoration.
You're joking.
They look so real.
They are real.
But not for eating.
No, they're for sitting in a bowl.
Like we do the pebbles, Margaret does pears.
And you don't ever eat one? If you're desperate for some fruit, I could cut you up some pineapple.
Oh, no, no, no.
He's fine, Margaret.
We had Subway on the way over.
Anyway, look, we just thought that because because it's all about who you know, right, we thought that you might be able to put in a good word for Amber.
I'm sorry.
I don't think I can.
Told ya.
Oi! Feet! Yeah, look, I know it's a bit of a curly one because you don't actually know whether Amber's good at her job or not.
It's not that.
Heavens, if we only put in a good word for those who genuinely deserved it, then nobody in our circle would speak at all.
(Chortles) Don't understand.
Digby Nolan is an arrogant, lazy show pony.
But enough about his good points.
(Laughs) Suffice to say, I'm not speaking to him.
Did you have a bit of a dust-up in the boardroom? We don't have dust-ups, Wayne.
We think it's better to get our point across in silence.
So, why do you hate Digby so much? What did he do? What didn't he do? The school cloister upgrade.
It's Digby's project, but it's over budget and stalled.
Digby conveniently put me in charge of the finances, so I do all the work, he gets the cloister wing named in his honour.
What a cock.
The truth is, I don't have a head for finance.
And Stilton, my accountant, is in Europe.
Stilton? Is that his first name, 'cause that sounds like a surname, doesn't it? Digby's neglect is damaging the school.
What if the cloister wing upgrade doesn't happen? Why doesn't Amber have a flick through the cloister budget? 'Cause Amber doesn't know what a fuckin' cloister is.
A cloister is a covered walkway.
Like at Westfield, connecting the buildings.
A cloister is a covered stone walkway.
Ours is at the south end of the quadrangle.
I'm with you now.
Like at Hogwarts.
Yeah, so there you go.
You get the finance plan back on track for the cloister wing.
Margaret gets to tell Digby who helped her.
It's a it's a win-win.
Feet! Danny! I'm leaving! Love you! Oh.
Hi, Brianna.
How you feeling? Oh, so much better, thanks to you.
You have cured me of my phobia.
Oh, great.
Because now you can have a look at my ingrown toenail.
Ooh, are you on your way out? No, no, of course not.
Just Pilates, but this won't take long.
Great because also Mum said she thinks that my ears need syringing.
Oh, hi, Shawn.
I didn't see you there.
I think my eyebrow's infected.
Danny! Can you pick up Oscar? He's just texted.
Uh, no.
I can't go.
I'm in the middle of lancing Kayne's boil.
Actually, I could use you in surgery.
Why are they still here? It's a very big boil.
You've already missed your Pilates class.
Well, Shawn has an infection on his piercing and a spot of asthma and I can't say no.
Except to me.
Oh, I know how to do that.
Alright, I'll get him.
Where is he? He is at the market hall with capsicums.
Market hall with capsicums? BOTH: He's at basketball with Caspian! Danny, now you've got him making mistakes with her.
What? It's sweet! Confusing 'capsicum' with 'Caspian'.
She's adorable.
Not a she.
So I've been going through all the quotes for the new walkway.
Can I be frank? I'm not sure you can be anything else.
There's a reason you're so over budget.
You are being ripped off.
These quotes are bullshit.
Look at this one.
$350,000 for the tiling.
You call it mosaic, I call it a massive fuckin' shakedown.
But this is the Cardinelles' company.
They're all Throssingtonians.
They have children at the school.
And they're building the school fees into that quote.
You are being robbed left, right and centre.
I think we're only being robbed on the right.
Don't tell me all these quotes The stonemasons, the carpenter, the ironmongers - these are all Old Throssingtonians? Are they all overcharging? Why wouldn't they? They know you're not gonna use anyone else.
The aim is to keep it in the Throssington family.
(Sighs) Have you had a look at Buckingham Palace? That's what happens when you keep it in the family.
Good morning, little lady.
What would you like to do this morning? WOMAN ON RECORDING: My wants are very little, Danny.
Hm Are you flirting with her? She's not a her.
Look at what you're doing to me.
You're making me think she's a she it's a she.
If she's not a she or a her, then how can I be flirting with her? There was a time when you'd wake up in the morning and pester me and now you only pester her.
She's not a her.
Baby, baby, listen to me.
WOMAN ON RECORDING: Yes, I can hear you, Danny.
Why is she still talking? No, no, no! Can she do this? No.
No, not like this, she can't.
(Giggles) Yep, nah, this isn't gonna work.
I will not be replaced by a SIM card.
She's not a SIM card.
This isn't about her.
This is about your parents at the window.
(Taps) Wayne burned his hand on the barbie last night.
Can you take a look? Or we can come back when you've finished.
BOTH: We're finished.
You're all here.
We were all feeling a bit sniffly, so we thought we'd better hotfoot it over to the clinic.
Sorry! I'm sorry! I had to get my dry-cleaning.
And I ran into Pat from VIEW Club, who was desperate for some help with a gift for her grandson's night nanny.
A night nanny? Oh, bloody hell.
Aren't you coming? No, the project's on budget.
You just tell Digby I did it.
That was the deal.
Do you want the promotion or not? I didn't not get the promotion because I'm not capable.
I didn't get it because I'm not one of you.
I see.
You must be joking.
You might not be one of us.
It won't hurt you to look like one of us.
Never seen you without your pearls on.
I do feel rather naked.
Can we lose the hoops? And just keep the ones I've got to jump through? Could've been me, you know? What? I'm Wayne and Julie's, just like Bess.
What if you'd got me instead? I like your pearls.
They belong to me.
Uh I wasn't asking for them.
Uh, shall we begin with the fundraising campaign for the scholarship fund? He's not even here.
Digby's always late.
He likes to remind us how busy he is.
But just promise me you won't put butter on a burn again, Wayne.
Yeah, Dad, my toast tasted horrible.
Yes, and running water is best.
The butter thing is an old wives' tale.
Speaking of old wives, Jules, your turn.
(Laughter) Oi! Actually, I was just reading about Rebecca Gibney's health scare.
She's fine.
But, Bess, maybe you should give me a full check-up.
Would you mind just hanging on for a minute? What are you doing? Looking for an exit.
It's quite a big jump.
Do you think we could fit a mattress through here? Could you just tell the Wheelers that you're not their GP? To stop coming to you with their ailments? Oh, find another doctor? I still like the mattress idea.
Just tell them you don't have time for this.
Yes! You tell them we don't have time for this No.
because we have plans.
Yes! Yes! I'll use my voice activation.
What? No! Yes, it's perfect.
You'll be with a patient and I will be in the waiting room and I'll text you using her and everybody will hear me say that we need to leave for the How to Host a Murder Party.
Gallery opening? There we go.
Why do we have to use her? Because I want to prove to you that she works.
And then you'll need to thank her and apologise to her for being rough with her this morning.
You cannot fit a mattress out there.
Yeah, I'm on a 6am, so I'll miss it, but, uh (Chuckles) No rest indeed.
Digby, we're up to the cloister wing renovation, about which there were some budgetary concerns.
Margaret was gonna start the ball rolling on that.
Thanks, Margaret.
There was budgetary concern over the cloister upgrade - so much so that Digby thought it advisable to hire a financial strategist.
Digby insisted that the services we obtain be of an impeccable standard.
In fact, he demanded I use my personal financial consultant.
As usual, he was right.
Weren't you, Digby? I'm pleased to announce that the cloister upgrade project is on track to begin as scheduled.
I'll hand over now to someone far cleverer than I - Amber Wheeler.
Try not to swear like a sailor.
(Clears throat) Thank you, Margaret, and thank you, Mr Spencer, Mr Barton, Mr Gerner and Miss Kirby.
They're their first names.
Oh, OK, sorry.
Um as Margaret said, the, um, cloister project was in, um .
well, it was f .
it needed I can't do this.
I don't know what to tell you all, except that I had no idea Amber! Say it in your own words.
Tell us what we did wrong.
You're a shithouse board.
No offence.
Margaret, you need to get her out of here.
Digby, you are haemorrhaging money because you have only contracted companies run by people you've played hockey or croquet or the fucking tuba with and you don't care that they charge like a wounded bull.
It's a little more complicated than that.
Nup! I've been listening to this bullshit about fundraising.
I've requoted your cloister project - which, by the way, I had a look, it's just a bloody walkway - and I've saved you half a million dollars.
Put that in your scholarship fund.
Send a text message to my wife.
Yeah, sorry, mate.
Not too crash-hot at the texts - my fingers are a bit big.
No, no, I was just, um WOMAN ON RECORDING: What would you like to say to Bess Denyar? Who said that? It's the voice activation.
I'm sending a text message to Bess.
I've told Pop he should use it instead of trying to type.
You tell the phone to send a text? Told ya, Pop.
And you just say the message? Yeah, so I wanna say And she sends it? WOMAN ON RECORDING: What would you like to say to Bess Denyar? Excuse me, Doctor.
Your patients are really banking up out here.
(Laughter) You sure there's nothing? Wayne said he heard a crackle.
And the PVC piping's usually a good conductor.
(Phone bleeps) Oh.
Excuse me, Julie.
That's, uh, Danny.
It's probably about our plans for this afternoon.
What plans? Doctor! I've been waiting for hours.
This is worse than Emergency! (Laughter) Actually, I think I should, uh My turn, my turn, my turn, my turn.
Put your pants back on, please, Julie.
They really didn't need to come off in the first place.
You think my plantar wart is gonna burn itself off? (Laughter) No, no, don't hurt her! I mean honey, we're gonna be late for the gallery opening.
What gallery opening? The gallery opening that That we made up because I didn't know how to ask you all to leave and stop showing me your burns and your blisters and your bunions.
I didn't get to show you my bunion.
I'm not your doctor.
This is not a clinic.
And these messages are rude.
You got them, though.
I'm just saying she works.
Bessie, I'm so sorry.
We didn't mean to take advantage of you.
No, of course not.
I'm so sorry, Bess.
It's just since Dr Houlihan stopped bulk-billing, we've really let things pile up.
How long have you had that boil, Kayne? It's been pussy since March.
OK, please don't make me relive the boil.
I'm your sister and your daughter and I can't be your doctor.
WOMAN ON RECORDING: Do you want me to find you a doctor? No! Actually yes.
Leave me alone! # ELECTRONIC MUSIC (Belches) (Knocking at door) Go away! I'm sorry to intrude.
You left so quickly.
(Music stops) I ran after your car, but Nought to 100 in 7 seconds.
Oh, shit! Your pearls.
I wasn't trying to nick off with them.
I wanted you to come back so the board could thank you.
The board I called idiots.
When you save people half a million dollars, you can call them whatever you like.
They loved you.
And what about Digby? You dug Digby out of a giant hole like a worm.
He's organising a plaque for you on a seat in the theatre.
And my promotion? I'm afraid the job has gone to someone else.
Grrr! (Grunts) (Dog barking) (Grunts) That's quite a kick you have.
I don't think you met Kirby properly.
Kirby Dundas.
I didn't know you were out here.
Kirby was very keen to speak with you.
I wasn't sure there was room in your cabin.
Is this about the pearls? I run a small private equity investment firm, and after seeing you tonight, I think you would make a perfect financial analyst.
Me? Well, before I invest in any company, I need to know it's secure.
I'd like to hire you to check that the figures aren't fabricated.
Would you have another of those? Sure.
There's room inside.
If Margaret stands.
Seriously, 'Kirby', that's your name? (Chuckles) You are incredible.
Mm (Both sigh) WOMAN ON RECORDING: You're not so bad yourself.
Oscar Instagramed my feet! Oscar! How could you? What's Instagram? What effect did you use to make me look like that? There's no effect.
No more Instagramming people! Why does everything have to be so public? (You can't keep a secret from her.
) (I wanna buy her a necklace.
) What are you doing?! Oh.
That diamond's real.
Is it your tooth? No.
(Moans) (MUFFLED) Your mum's home.
Nan's home.
Oi! Where do you think you're going without a smooch? Oh.
Sorry, babe.
Mum, please don't be jealous.
I'm not! Captions by CSI Australia