Upper Middle Bogan (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Twothirties

# Come on home # Coming home, baby, now # You know I'm waiting here for you # I'm coming home, now, real soon # You've been gone # Coming home, baby, now # You don't know what I'm going to do # I'm coming home I know I'm overdue # Since you went away # Expect me any day now, real soon # I'm coming home and never more to roam # Baby, tell me you're coming home # Baby, I'm for sure coming home I'm coming home Come on home.
That's nice.
Too small! First rule of fashion - bigger is better.
Can I help you? We're after a necklace.
Do you have anything like that here? Only joking.
You're obviously a necklace shop, although not just strictly necklaces.
It's my mum and dad's I'm the dad.
And he wants a big diamond for her.
(Gasps) Oh, my God! That one, with the teardrop! Oh, your mum would love that, wouldn't she? She would totally die.
That's not the result we're after.
How much is that one? Dollars? Do you have another currency in mind? Thai baht would bring the price down a bit.
Shall we call it 100 bucks? Look, that probably is a bit on the exy side for us, isn't it? So unfair for Mum! I'll put it on lay-by.
(Squeals) I'm getting married to a man like you! Except hotter, with two eyes.
I'll see if we still have the paperwork for lay-by.
I'll use this week's pay and Who are you sending that to? Mum.
Brianna, it's a surprise.
No, it's not.
It is.
Mum always picks her own presents.
She hates surprises.
Not when it's a diamond necklace.
What are you doing?! Seeing if it's real.
Oh, my God.
Of course it's real.
Look where we are.
There's so much knock-off stuff on the streets.
You don't want someone pulling a swiftie.
You hurt your tooth, didn't you? The diamond's real.
So, you went shopping today, in High Street and Church Street.
How do you Oh! I bumped into Daisy who would have seen Davina who would have called Pat from VIEW Club who would have told you.
Who needs CCTV when you've got your mother's friends? Also there are shopping bags on the table.
That reminds me, I found the most beautiful wedding anniversary present for Wayne and Julie.
It's a decanter.
I know, I know - and diamond for modern, I think.
Remember those pearl-encrusted candlesticks that I got you and Dad? Yes.
I don't need to see it, Bess.
Mum, please don't be jealous.
I'm not! Well, those candlesticks cost a lot more than this decanter, and I was a student then, so (Girl screams) Edwina, what's wrong? Oscar Instagrammed my feet! Oscar! How could you? What's 'Instagrammed?' He posted photos of me online.
Artistic photos! I thought something was wrong.
Something is wrong - his Instagram addiction.
There's nothing wrong with my Instagram addiction.
It's going really well.
He takes photos of my feet, my elbows, my nostrils! I got 17 likes for her nostrils.
OK, OK! Oscar, Edwina's nostrils are private.
No-one knows they're her nostrils.
People thought I was in a cave.
(Gasps) Stop posting photos of Edwina.
But how am I supposed to express my art? Express it with gift wrapping.
Wayne and Julie's present is on the table.
Go! If it's any consolation, darling, those nostrils did look like the side of a mountain.
(Sport on TV) Tada! My anniversary present.
A juicer? Now, Brianna, you and I can do our juice cleanse properly.
Juice cleanses aren't good for you.
They said it on Embarrassing Bodies, remember? It's a fad.
You love fads! That's a good price, Mum.
If you buy it now, you get an electric toothbrush, an alarm clock and an umbrella.
Bags the electric toothbrush.
Bags! Oh.
I'll check which card to use, Dad.
Leave that with me, Amber.
Ow! You alright, pet? A juicer's a bit boring, isn't it? It's my present.
Isn't it my present to you? No.
Have you been using your account? Someone's taken your pay.
What?! I haven't finished! You must be reading it wrong, Amber.
I used to work for a bank.
I must be reading the bank statement wrong.
Ow! What's the matter? I burned my hand on the stove.
Kayne must have left it on! Me? I microwaved the sausages.
Mum, it's hurting! Alright.
How much? It's my money.
That I look after to stop you doing mental things like this! Shh! You can't keep a secret from her.
I want to buy her a necklace.
Remember when Kayne kept his report a secret? Mum made photocopies of it and did a letter-box drop.
Remember when Brianna kept her belly piercing a secret? Mum turned up to school and made her take it out in the middle of Maths.
Remember when your mum had her fairytale wedding? No.
Neither do I, 'cause she never had one.
She never had an expensive ring.
She never had anything expensive.
That's right - we bought the dragster at the $2 shop.
She can't wear that around her neck.
I'm doing this, Amber.
What's wrong? Nothing.
Oh, shit.
TV: # UP-BEAT MILITARY MARCH (Camera-shutter click) Seriously? You're Instagramming what we're watching? Hey, Oscar, nice shot.
You're following his Instagram of his watching the program instead of watching the program? Mum! You're following him too? No, I'm answering some emails.
(Sighs) You always do this when it's my turn to pick what show we watch.
I'm just multitasking.
I'm loving the show.
It's very funny.
It's a documentary about Obama's universal healthcare plan.
Such an achievement.
That's very important.
No wonder Oscar has an addiction! Eddie, calm down.
You should be encouraging him.
He's got a real flair for this.
Look at this decanter.
The way he shot it, with the light filtering through.
What did you call that? 'Happy anniversary, Wayne and Julie.
' Oscar! You Instagrammed Wayne and Julie's anniversary present.
You bought them a decanter? Take that down before What's wrong with a decanter? When have you seen the Wheelers open a 15-year-old bottle of red? Kayne drank a bottle of tomato sauce that expired in 2004.
Not the same.
Anyway, Mum, what were you saying to Oscar? Wayne and Julie are not decanter people.
Ah, so, they're not decanter people but we are decanter people? You make us sound like two different tribes.
My God, I bought them a decanter.
Don't even think about it.
(Snaps picture) What are you doing in the junk drawer? What is this - the Spanish Inquisition? What are you looking for? I'm not looking for anything.
I found the superglue.
Except for the superglue.
Which is great, Brianna, 'cause I can help you with your.
Nail extensions.
Nail extensions.
You sure you should be using superglue? Yeah.
It's the latest thing in LA.
You see? You love fads.
Come on, babe, hurry up.
I want to watch Game Of Thrones.
You start.
I'll just help her with her thumbs.
I found this in the laundry.
Thanks! Was there anything else good in there? It's not to play with, you dickhead.
It's to glue Dad's filling back in.
Why? 'Cause it fell out after Dad bit something he shouldn't have.
Like me, with the spanner.
Snap, Dad.
I'll go and get Mum.
No! I'm buying your mum a necklace for our anniversary.
If she finds out about my tooth, she'll make me go to the dentist, and if I go to the dentist, then I can't afford the necklace.
I thought she was getting a juicer? No, I'm surprising her with the necklace.
Remember when you were planning that surprise party and she put your clothes on the lawn and said she was surprising you with a divorce.
And did we get divorced? And did your clothes get nicked? Just glue my bloody tooth back together and Mum will never know.
(Groans) What happened to you last night? I came in late, you were asleep.
I wanted to play Khaleesi and Drogo.
What about now? You want to play Wake the Dragon? I'd love to, babe, but I've got an early maintenance call.
Yeah, her name's Julie, and she needs a good service.
Have you got any of those strong painkillers? Is it your tooth? No.
You are going to the dentist today.
No, I'm not.
That's infected.
I can put up with a bit of pain if I just get some painkillers.
So now you have two secrets.
You have secrets? What secrets? What? Not from Nan.
You're not keeping secrets from Nan? You'd better tell him what's going on.
I don't wanna know.
I don't wanna be any part of a secret.
Too late, Shawny.
Tell him.
Where are you? (Belches) Hi, everyone.
Meet you in the car, Kayne.
Why are we going so early? Because you are.
Oi! Where do you think you're going without a smooch? Oh.
Sorry, babe.
What's up his bum today? I returned the decanter, but it's been so hard to think of another gift.
Danny suggested a hot-air balloon ride, but I was a bit worried they'd have an accident.
Have you checked out the prices? I wanted to show you what I picked, but I don't want you to be upset.
I didn't set out to buy the same gift I bought you and Dad, but these are nothing like those ones anyway.
Where are those candlesticks? Oh What? What? I haven't seen those candlesticks in ages.
But you'd like me to bring them out now to compare them to a newer version? I know how that feels, and I won't put them through it.
(Text alert) Hey.
Look what Bess got Nanna and Pop.
Oscar Instagrammed it.
What the fuck do they do with that? Is that a bong? You put wine in it.
I was close.
Oi, oi! (Mumbles) Your mum's home.
What's wrong? Huh? With the Janis.
Wayne, why are you under it? (Mumbles) It's the axle.
It's the chassis shaft.
Hey, did you pick up my juicer? I want to wrap it.
(Mumbles) He said he wants to wrap it.
(Chuckles) Yeah, right! I love you, babe, but you're no Martha Stewart with a ball of twine.
Where is it? Just let him do it this year.
What's the big deal? The big deal, Amber, is he doesn't even know how to contrast two wraps.
Because you never give him the chance.
OK, alright.
Wayne, I've got stripes, I've got polka dots.
Which one goes on top? Thought so.
Do you want me to ask him how he'll do the ribbon? Oh, for shit's sake, Mum, just let him take the initiative.
I take the initiative around here! OK.
Bloody hell.
If it's so important to you, Wayne, wrap it yourself.
Just don't forget to watch a demo on YouTube.
She often has candles out but never in my candlesticks.
I don't think she likes them.
Am I just terrible at buying presents? Well, I did ask for a Vespa last birthday and you gave me a hat.
At least you pretended to like the hat.
Would it kill her to pretend to like the candlesticks? That's what our family's built on, isn't it - pretending to like presents that we don't like? Oscar! Danny, you'll wake him.
Stop Instagramming us in bed! Oh, Oscar! What effect did you use to make me look like that? There's no effect.
No more Instagramming people.
In bed? At all.
Can't you be like normal people and take photos of your food? My followers love the way I Instagram.
Upside-down Pie Face called me 'an important storyteller'.
Well, from now on, you'll have to tell important stories using bananas.
I'm sorry I got upset about the wrapping.
I know you'll do a good job, especially with that paper I bought, and the ribbon.
I've got this excellent tutorial on YouTube to show you about how you can turn bows into little pompoms.
WOMAN: Hey, everybody, this is Candy.
Today, we're gonna talk about gift wrapping, finishing off with pompoms.
It's not too late to change your mind.
I'm fine.
So we'll go to the jewellery shop tonight? You're not handing over all that cash without me.
Oi! Go! Oh.
They had an emergency call.
They're air-conditioner installers, not the SES.
(Chuckles) Are you guys coming home before Zumba or will I meet you there? Oh, I can't go tonight.
Me either.
I have to work late.
I hurt my hips.
You hurt your hips? How? I don't know, but it's like Shakira says, they don't lie, and they don't want to go to Zumba.
But you should go.
You should totally go.
What are you doing? You can pretend to like the pinch pot that I made you in Year 7, but you can't pretend to like the anniversary gift that I gave you? I don't have to pretend to like them - I love them.
Then why don't you use them? Isn't it enough to know that I treasure them? Do they have to be on display? If you don't want to burn the insides of your cupboards, then yes.
Why does everything have to be so public? You don't have them, do you? You gave them away.
You re-gifted! I did no such thing.
Prove it.
There was an incident.
I can't use them, so I keep them next to my bed.
What incident? It doesn't matter.
Mum! The gift I gave you looks like it's been in a cartoon crash.
What happened? Sometimes it's better not to know what happened.
Shall we talk again about the importance of telling me the truth? Your father was away for our 30th wedding anniversary.
He was at a conference.
And when he came back, I tried to show him your present and he refused to look.
He felt guilty.
Why would he feel guilty? Darling, he wasn't at a conference.
He was having an affair.
What kind of affair? The usual kind - with a mistress.
He had a mistress? Who? The legal secretary.
Adele? Aunty Adele? (Gasps) Oh, my God.
So you found out and hit him with the candlesticks! Of course not.
I'd known for years.
Years? I was furious that he wouldn't look at your present so he could ring and say thank you.
That's what you were furious about? His affair was no excuse for bad manners.
He said 'You thank her for me', after you'd gone to all that trouble.
I followed him outside - this was the old house with the steep drive - and when he got in the car, I'm afraid I threw the box at him.
Of course, it missed, and bounced down onto the road and A garbage truck ran over it.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, Mum! I'm so sorry that Dad treated you like that.
Oh, sweetheart.
Aunty Adele's the one you should feel sorry for.
(Laughs) (Groans) I thought a mistress was somebody who taught French at a boarding school.
Your mum's dad had a different kind of mistress.
What did she teach? She was his lover, you idiot.
They had sex.
Gross! BOTH: Gross.
Poor Nanny Margaret.
Thing is, she wasn't upset about it.
The woman who gets upset about napkins being called serviettes was unfazed by her husband having an affair.
It obviously worked for them.
Danny! They were living a lie.
Only to you, not to each other.
I can't imagine Nanny Margaret putting up with someone she didn't like.
She puts up with your father.
Does she? Mum, are you gonna finish your dessert? No, I've lost my appetite.
See you in the morning, everyone.
Hey! Not at dinner.
That's so unfair! How am I supposed to Instagram food? (Wayne groans) The tablets aren't working.
OK, you're going to the emergency department now, and I don't want to hear another word about it.
You haven't heard any.
He can't talk.
I'll get some pillows for the truck, so he's comfy.
I'm not going to hospital.
Go and get the necklace.
Sorry, Dad, can't understand you.
I have to do this for Mum.
Oh, this fucking necklace better be worth it.
Nan's home.
(Approaching car) Oh! It's the welcoming committee.
(All laugh nervously) So so where's Dad? He went to visit Bess.
Without me? She needed his help with something.
She didn't need you.
(Oh, my God.
) Mum, what's wrong? You tell me.
Nobody wants to talk to me, my husband won't touch me, you guys don't want to go to Zumba with me and even Bess doesn't want me either, she just wants Wayne.
We have to tell her! Tell me what? What's going on, Kayne? It's Dad.
He's hiding something from me, isn't he? What is it? Is he smoking? Is he gambling? Has he lost his job? No, Mum, it's nothing like that.
Amber, you have to tell me what's going on! It's like Brianna said - Dad's gone to see Bess because she .
she got this bullshit vase that you drink wine out of for your anniversary.
That's true.
That's totally the truth.
Oscar Instagrammed it.
What has Dad got to do with a vase? He was trying to keep it a secret from you which we all said was stupid.
Really stupid.
But he insisted, being the moron that he is.
And, um, he's gone to Bess's to make sure it was OK, because it looks fucking hideous in the picture.
This is what he's been hiding? Told you it was hideous.
What? 'After my mum found out her dad had a mistress, she couldn't eat her dessert.
' # THE ANGELS: No secrets Jules, I have a confession to make.
I'm so sorry, babe.
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
I got a surgeon to sneak you in next, one of the good ones.
Wayne, did that injection help? Thank you.
You really didn't need to go to all that trouble for us, Bess.
Oh, It's all my fault, or Oscar's.
Danny's deleting his account.
He didn't mean any harm.
Well, he needs to learn the difference between public and private.
He's going to have a few lessons from Margaret.
Poor Margaret.
She's fine.
It's Wayne we should be worried about.
He tries to do something beautiful for me, and I smack him across this rotten tooth.
I shouldn't have tried to surprise you, I shouldn't have made the kids keep a secret from you.
I don't like surprises.
I don't like secrets.
I had a surprise early in my life with you, and then after I gave you up, I had to keep a secret.
I never want to feel that feeling again.
You also have some control issues.
Yeah, the doctor told you not to talk.
Yeah, OK.
What is this? Oh, no way! Oh, my God! It's a juicer! Seriously? A juicer.
And an alarm clock! And an umbrella.
And an electric toothbru Wayne? Oh, Dad! (Crunch!) Why would you ever pay full price? Oh.
(Chuckles) That looks so real.
It's such a good knock-off.
# THE ANGELS: No Secrets Captions by CSI Australia