Upper Middle Bogan (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - All You Can Eat

(Car lock bleeps) # Come on home # Coming home, baby, now # You know I'm waiting here for you # I'm coming home, now, real soon # You've been gone # Coming home, baby, now # You don't know what I'm going to do # I'm coming home I know I'm overdue # Since you went away # Expect me any day now, real soon # I'm coming home and never more to roam # Baby, tell me you're coming home # Baby, I'm for sure coming home I'm coming home Come on home.
MARGARET: Is it on? Can you hear me? Yes! You must have installed it somehow.
Why can't we use a normal phone like civilised people? We're all on Skype now, Mum.
Hi, Margaret.
Is that Julie? Of course.
She gets you in person.
I get some kind of downloadable file.
Are you overeating again? Of course not.
What poppycock.
You realise that Skype has pictures, Mum? Have you thought about getting a dog? What?! You walk it every day.
It's very good for your blood sugar.
You want me to wander about aimlessly, stopping only to wait while something defecates in the street? It's great for stress.
I'm not stressed! Just continually aware that I've been replaced in my daughter's affections by someone who swanned in, after I'd done all the nurturing and caring, and pushed me aside.
What do you think? What do you think is going on with those two? Firstly, I'm not a psychologist.
(Scoffs) You're a veterinarian, apparently.
And secondly, that's part of my lunch.
Part? Maybe you should be getting a dog.
(Mobile buzzes) Hello, Amber.
You're doing that face, eh? What face? You know the one.
You told Shawn you would help him get work experience.
Where at? Centrelink? I am quite capable of giving my son some careers advice, Amber.
To offer careers advice, you kind of need to have a Oh, what's it called? Career.
Yeah, and I have a brand-new one.
As what? Greyhound impresario.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
All the brothers and I have obtained what I'm calling the Makybe Diva of greyhounds.
(Fires gun) AMBER: And how's that going for you? Yeah, everything's going to plan.
You and Dad are getting on better these days.
Why would you say that? I only heard one 'fuck.
' That isn't like you, Amber.
Something you'd like to tell us? KAYNE: Ooh! Don't make me fill the jar, Kayne.
What did Dad say? Forget work experience with him unless you want a career as a village idiot.
I can't do it with Pop again.
No, sorry.
We're knee-deep in Operation Smorgy's.
Right, Kayne? Haven't you been banned from every branch? All but one.
Phwurgh! I'll see you dickheads back at the house.
I've got to put out a bushfire.
Not an actual bushfire.
Aw, look at him! He's a dud, Troy.
Yeah, he is.
We had such big plans for you, didn't we, Senna? # THUDDING DANCE MUSIC I'm sorry - that's disgraceful.
It's basically two weeks off - a chance to kick back and contemplate the future while beating all my high scores.
You should be using work experience as an opportunity.
Happy to, if it's something cool, something I might actually want to do.
Something cool? That's it.
And who do we know that's cool, Edwina? No-one.
(Raps) You plus me equals a relationship Being with you is simple arithmetic Put U and I together in the alphabet Baby girl, I'll meet you behind the shelter shed If I had three wishes Only need the first Just need you to be part of my world Hi, Mum! Can you see us? Hi, Margaret! Straight across the top, and square.
Look, this is all very well for the young people.
I feel like I'm on Lateline.
Where are you? We're having mani-pedis.
Leopard print on all of them and diamante on the big toe.
We do it every fortnight.
Don't let me interrupt you.
No, you're not.
We're still on pedis.
Anyway.
What did the doctor say? He told me to get a dog.
Apparently I'm stressed.
You?! Who'd be mad enough to cause you stress? (Bess laughs) Look, Daddy, a dog.
(Growls) (Snarls) Hey, Shawny.
Look, everyone, it's the impresario.
Yes.
Amber tells us you're a Fuckin' idiot.
Jar.
You doing the Smorgy's thing again, Wayne? (Rock-guitar ring tone) Yeah? Nice to see you two speaking.
What? Whereabouts? Oh, you dopey wing nut.
I cannot leave you three alone for a minute without everything going shit upwards.
What? Jesus wept! Take a long hard look, boys.
(Sighs) Jesus.
Nice.
What have the Stooges done now? Dumped Senna on the road somewhere.
Harsh! What?! I didn't tell them to do it.
This wasn't part of 'the plan'? Wayne Kind of at a critical planning stage here.
Alright, I'll go.
Can you ring those idiots and find out where they left him? He could be anywhere by now.
Dad, I was thinking Were you? See, Oscar? It's catching on.
Danny, that's terrible.
No, got me a beauty, Dad.
Good one.
Yeah.
Aw.
See? This is why you'd be the perfect person for Shawn to do work experience with.
What? No! Come on! No! It'd be great! Look, I'm tweeting you - #no.
But see, you're cool.
Shawn says you are.
He loved that thing you tweeted last week - cats that look like Hitler.
I think I was the first person to tweet that.
He's always quoting you.
Really? Like when? Like when you said #megafail at the end of the Logies.
That was a good one.
I got two retweets for that.
Favourites, Dad.
As good as a retweet, son.
Come on.
It's not for long.
Well, in the interests of family, why not let him sit at the feet of the master? Who's I'm the master.
Of course you are.
Let's do it.
Nicely done! Someone's learning.
Was that learning? The lesson is flattery will get you everywhere.
You should try it, Oscar.
Hey, Dad, your hair looks nice.
Can I have a new bike? #nyet.
Hello, Senna! Here's a snausage.
Snausage! Come on.
Come on, sweetie.
TV: Next on 9,all-new The Farmer Wants A Wife.
Still? You'd think he would have found one by now.
Look, Amber, it's your next husband.
Mission accomplished! Whoa! You've gone in hard.
I had to buy five lots of stuff just to get the docket.
The final piece of the puzzle.
Don't tell me they've roped you into this dopey plan? Everyone's got a part to play, Amber.
Look at this - three for three.
You've spent over 200 bucks.
So much No More Tangles.
I hate tangles.
That kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it? It's not about the money, Amber.
Look who I found! Oh, so cute! Is this the dud? He's not a dud, he's a thinker.
AMBER: He won't fit in around here.
(Sneezes) Oh, Mum! I can't You know he's allergic to dogs, unleaded petrol and What's the other thing? Not being a dick? Yeah, well, I'm not giving him back to Troy and those horrible brothers.
They just dumped him, Wayne.
Poor little Senna.
(Bleeping) What is that? I think it might be the landline.
I haven't heard that for months.
Where is it? Here it is.
Bess.
Let's just hear a couple more.
Just let me do the talking.
I think she'll do the talking, and the screaming.
Mum! Down here.
Oh, my God! What is that? Do you like him? I'm assuming that somewhere there's currently an unguarded meth lab.
Oh.
Hello, Julie.
Don't be so cruel about Senna.
Aw! He's so cuddly.
I'd sooner cuddle Bill Shorten.
Bess, I really don't want to force Senna on anyone.
He needs love 24/7.
You were intending to leave this senna pod here? You need a dog, Senna needs a home.
I'm looking for something to fit into my purse.
This is a miniature pony.
Bess, this isn't a goer.
Mum, you could give him such a nice life.
(Gasps) Look how he's looking at you.
Oh, he really likes you! But I'm booked to inspect a Shih tzu.
Come on.
You and I will figure something out.
Mum, just for a couple of days until Julie finds someone else.
Kayne's allergic.
His face has blown up to the size of a normal face.
(Groans) What does it eat? See if you can find out what he actually does all day.
Wow, you're early.
Am I? Yeah.
Well, I start late .
.
later than most.
Well, people with Like your dad.
What does he do? He starts late too.
Yeah! #stickingittotheman.
Which man? Coffee? I can get you an espresso, cappuccino, caramel macchiato? Or just Blend 43? Still a classic.
I'm pretty sure I'll just have a water.
Cool.
We have got still, sparkling Tap water? Yeah.
Rockin' the H2O! Inspiration can strike at any time.
(Approaching footsteps) - Can I clean up here? - Sure.
If you want to.
I would do it myself, but snowed under.
Back to work.
Man's work.
Makin' buildings.
(Car horn) New-season varietals are here - four cases.
Must be some mistake.
# BREEZY, LAID-BACK LOUNGE MUSIC # LOUNGE MUSIC CONTINUES BESS: How's that? Aren't they great together? It's unbelievable.
This morning, she was talking about getting Senna a subscription to the MTC.
They've certainly bonded.
I didn't think it would happen so fast.
I can't thank you enough.
Her blood sugar was 5.
1.
Wow, that's great.
So she's happy to keep him? Forever.
That's him! That's definitely Senna.
Troy, look at this.
No, guys, I told you, it's a fake - they grabbed Natalie Portman's head, put it on another body.
No, it's the dog.
He's from a line of champions.
Bullshit! This website doesn't lie.
Not like that one that sent us that box of sand.
Oh, you mean, 'the unreleased iPad'.
Troy, he's worth a shitload.
We've got to get him back.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah! Now that is a breathtaking waterfront hideaway.
There's someone in your garden.
What? Oh, him.
He's just a local .
.
burglar.
One of many.
Look.
Stealing a rake there.
Doesn't matter.
It's an old one.
(Car horn) Where do you want the Pinot Gris? Just there's fine.
The man who ordered them will pick them up later.
Let's get back to this cliff-top villa.
When I say villa, it's just a beach house.
Quite modest.
It's a very small footprint.
Dad, the man wants to know when he can deliver the Coonawarra Reserve.
These wrong numbers! Dan .
.
you need to chill.
I am chill ing.
This is all cool.
Is it? You're designing cool stuff, you don't have a boss, you can work at home, wear track-suit pants.
Sure, pretty wanky ones, but still.
Give yourself a break, eh? See you tomorrow.
See? That's how it's done, son.
Ah, Shawn.
What's happening? This is.
What is it? This is a complete Hey! Let's hear.
He's been rehearsing all day.
Thanks, Jules.
This is Smorgy's, Ferntree Gully.
This is us tomorrow night.
You and your mum, table 12.
Jules and Brianna, next to the bottomless gravy boat.
And in booth 9, at the end of the Golden Fried Mile, me and Dad.
The George Clooney and Brad Pitt, as it were.
So that's what this is.
And you can be the Matt Damon.
Were there any women in those movies? I'm sure there would have been.
Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Yes, please.
You can be her, babe.
Babe, I'm not wearing a wig.
I wasn't thinking that, but I am now.
Dad, the plan! Oh, yeah, sorry.
As you know, each of these coupons represents two all-you-can-eat meals for the price of one - no family groups.
That's why we'll arrive in pairs at 14-minute intervals.
Really? We can't arouse suspicion.
That's why I thought I could go as a grieving hot widow.
No.
Who's going to question it? What, someone coming straight from a funeral to Smorgy's? No disguises.
The 'Hey, fancy seeing you here.
Let's all eat together' moment needs to be completely natural.
And we shouldn't all be acquainted.
Amber, you have to practise not knowing me.
Finished.
This plan needs secrecy.
No tweeting.
Concentration and Walkie-talkies.
.
.
no walkie-talkies.
It has to unfold with clockwork precision.
You could have just come through here, numbnuts.
Alright.
We'll sneak around the back.
You two keep her occupied at the front door.
Yes, can I help you? We're from a charity.
Really? Which one? Save The Children.
Animals.
Save The Children And Animals? Yep.
He's animals, I'm children.
You've teamed up? Yeah.
And what are we saving them from? Whooping cough.
Internet predators.
People are using the internet to stalk animals? Sick.
Disgusting.
I see.
I should warn you, I have a dog.
SHAWN: But can't you do both? Correct, if I incorporate the solar panelling into the rear of the design.
Like a spoiler.
Actually, that's quite a good That is awesome, Dan! Going well, is it? Tonight is the annual Architects' Club dinner.
How would you like to be my plus-one? Oh, no! You mean, I have to stay home and miss your drunken rant about that eyesore, Federation Square? I can't.
The family's going to Smorgy's.
Oh, really? Well, why don't we all go? You, at Smorgy's? Sure! Who wants to listen to stuffy architects, telling me to shut up? We'll do Smorgy's.
I'll wear my best track-suit pants.
Actually, Dan, it's just for the Wheelers.
Sorry.
Hi, guys.
Ready to go, Shawn? Yeah.
(Mobile rings) Senna's been kidnapped! What? Who would kidnap Senna? He's probably already been sold into the illegal dog-fighting circuit.
Mum, calm down.
I'm coming over.
Stay there.
Oh, I couldn't poss Stay! It's OK.
I think I know what's happened.
Can you give me a sec? What is going on? I know! Fancy thinking we're too good for Smorgy's.
Still with this? Sure, 'all you can eat' is a pretty offensive idea.
Didn't they see that Four Corners? But I'm up for it! I'll happily eat five incompatible cuisines off one plate in a barn if I have to.
Who is saying that you have to? It's just I thought that Shawn and I had you know, something.
I'm a mentor.
You are! You're a complete mentor.
It's OK.
Those idiot brothers have taken him back.
What, the ones who dumped him? Yeah.
It's OK, I'll deal with it.
No, I will.
Can you get your mum to come and pick you up? Looking good, Kayne.
You too, Dad.
Um, Dad? We can't be seen together! Where's Mum? Isn't she with you? She isn't here yet.
Bloody hell! Not now.
What's the big deal? We're about to do the walk-in! It's the best part.
(Car horn blares) What the f Where's the dog? Bess?! Where's Senna? He's fine.
(Mobile bleeps) You stole him.
No, we retrieved him.
Kidnapped him, I think you mean.
It's all gone to shit.
We'll have to abort.
We might have to consider going in one man short.
That wasn't the plan.
I don't work that way.
You know the seafood gets hit hard early.
We'll be left with just the poor man's oyster.
No way! I want more than prawns.
Much more.
We'll have to chance it.
Dad, let's eat! All we can.
Two-for-one, thanks, mate.
Another one.
Enjoy.
Just one moment, sir.
Code number for the toilets.
Oh.
We get some dodgy people in.
I'll bet.
OK.
Stay cool.
Now, you secure booth 9,I'll tackle the buffet of champions.
Oh, wow.
I think I'm having a smorgasm.
We should never have given him away.
Yeah, but you did.
Mum, come in.
Let Senna know you're here.
Let's face it, Bess, he's not my dog.
They had him first.
Yeah, we had him first! You didn't want him! I found him dumped on the side of the road.
But you didn't want him either.
I did want him.
I loved him from the moment I saw him.
I just couldn't keep him.
But I found somebody who could.
Do you think that I could give him the life that she has, shower him with the opportunities and the clothes and the theatre subscriptions? She was just looking after him.
No, she bloody well wasn't! That is a different dog because of her.
You can't just swan in here after someone else has done all the caring and the nurturing and the loving, and expect to take all the glory.
Look, Jules, I'm grateful to Margaret.
You should just be grateful I haven't knocked your teeth out.
Margaret is Senna's mother, and that's who he's going home with.
G'day, Wayne.
The Broccoli Baron! 'Your Majesty' will do.
I hope your boys recovered from that shellacking we gave them in the Juniors.
I hope you've recovered from that arse-kicking we gave you at Calder.
I'll take back that 0.
01 of a second and add another 0.
01 of a second in January.
That's pretty big talk, Wayne.
That widow one of yours? Oh, no, I don't think so.
What about the blood nut in booth 9? What are you implying, Broccoli Baron? You're here for a bit of two-for-one action, mate.
Shit.
(Laughs) So you've been reduced to this? Hey, Dad.
Mum and Montana are sitting over there, just like you said.
Well, well! Don't think you invented it, Wayne.
So, you up for the mile? You're on.
(Steam hisses) Two-for-one, thanks.
(Sighs) Of course.
Are you two with anyone else? You want to talk about where his dad is, here, at a fucking Smorgy's? Of course not, no.
That's not what Come on, Shawn.
BESS: Senna! Senna! Senna! Senna! Come on.
Senna? Here he is! Hello! Look who's here! Look who's here.
Oh, Senna! Thank God.
Let's go home.
I've iQd Inspector Rex.
(Mobile bleeps) Let that be a lesson Bess, we've got to go.
Hey, since we've all fortuitously bumped into each other by coincidence, why don't you join us at our separate table? It's like George Clooney is here.
Hey! Oh, shit.
G'day, Shawn! Hey, everyone.
I'm glad you're still here.
Sorry, sir.
I think you might have the wrong table.
What? There's clearly been a mix-up.
Sorry, are you drunk? Is there a problem here? No, not at all.
Can I ask, are you all the one family? No! No, we're not.
Aren't we? Yes.
Yes, we are.
My God, Senna - it's degustation on a terrifying scale.
I've got a new plan for next time.
There's a new Smorgy's opening up Cheers.
So you can only have one coupon per group.
Oh! I see.
Come on.
Come on, buddy.
Hey, Senna! Senna! Senna! Fact! Dean and I are the most experienced tandem skydiving instructors in the State.
The instructor said she's the best virgin he's ever had strapped on! Julie? What's going on here? I've moved in.
You can't have! Awesome spread, Dad.
Yum, Pop.
Does she have to stay here? There are excellent deals on that last-minute website.
We're an all-underwear house! No, no! Do you feel like you wanna give Wayne a call? Nah.
I love you.
Oh, I forgot, Wayne's drunk and the children are eating noodles off the floor.
Fight, fight, fight! (Blows conch) You've got a nerve barging in here and blowing our shell!