Upper Middle Bogan (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - New Kids on the Block

Sync & Corrections by PetaG and johnyd13 Bye-bye, house.
Bye-bye, tiny, tiny kid's bedroom.
- We're really leaving.
- It's going to be great.
Never thought this day would actually come.
Me either.
I've loved this house.
- Good times.
- No, no, not the noodles.
Honestly, you guys have done enough.
- So many memories.
- Yeah.
- Anyway, we've got it from here.
- We'll really miss it.
I won't miss the cleaning.
I thought I taught you to outsource.
Well, no one asked you to help us clean, in fact, no one asked you to help us move.
What? Let some removalist fleece you 80 an hour all day? No offence, George.
- We're happy to help.
- Speak for yourself.
- Do I look happy? - You never look happy, Mum.
I don't look happy because I slaved my guts out moving a truckload of mid-century bullshit Again, no one asked you to help.
while Brianna's allowed to go AWOL! Argh! Where is she now? Hi.
I'm Brianna.
- And this is my partner, Younis.
- Hi.
- We've been dating for 5.
5 months - But it was after 5.
5 minutes that I knew that Brianna and I were going to be together forever.
Oh, babe.
As you can see, we're both totally into fitness and body building.
But that's not the only type of building that we're into.
- Oi! - We're in the middle of filming! We're in the middle of working.
Come on, Brianna, we're going to the new house.
Soon.
In a little while.
- Lactic acid, babe.
- You keep filming, we can wait.
Oh! Say sorry to Younis, Amber.
Pfft! I'm not waiting.
I've got to get Shawn to footy soon.
I'll see you at the new house.
Oh, the new house.
Isn't it funny to say it out loud like that, "the new house"? Oh! Hey, kids! What about one last game of badminton? No.
Come on, Bessie, get in the car, please.
We've got to go.
Hey, I know what we've forgotten.
We need to scratch our name in the concrete.
To say we were here.
It would need to be wet.
Wayne? Could you get us some wet concrete? You know this is hard for me to say, but Danny's right.
It's time to go.
Oh, did I tell you, Julie, Mum, it's been featured in a magazine? That's how amazing Danny's design is.
So wow.
Isn't that fantastic? Wow! Isn't it awesome? It's like a museum without homework at the end.
- It's not like a museum, Oscar.
- Yeah, it is.
How is it like a museum? Actually, Danny, I think if it was a proper museum, you'd have to have a big row of you-know-whats on the wall.
- Like they do at thingo in Tasmania.
- MONA.
Whoa, steady on, you didn't see that, did you, Edwina? The Wall of Vaginas was making a point, Wayne.
Yeah, it was about self-esteem, babe, remember? Didn't help my self-esteem.
What about you, Danny? You know what? Hey, Younis, can we get off that, please? Dan, you should put up one of those signs that they have at museums to say, "Don't touch the displays".
- It's not a display.
- Then why can't he touch it? He can touch it, he just can't bench-press it.
- Elevated push-up.
- Yeah.
I know.
What do you, uh call that, Danny? - A coffee table.
- A coffee table? Did a local artist do it? No, no, it's not a sculpture, it's an actual coffee table.
Right, let's get some stuff in.
What's going on here? What's this room supposed to be? - This is the library.
- A fuckin' library? Will we get to meet Professor Plum? Wow! It's weird.
It's like it's something, but it's kind of nothing.
Less is more, apparently, Julie.
Are you sure you like all this concrete, darling? I feel like I'm in a 5-star car park.
It's Danny's dream, Mum, to build his own home.
And I don't think Minimalist Modern would be doing a feature if Oh, hang on, have we already been in this room? No, this is the level 2.
You need colour-coding on your walls.
Well, I'm just super, super happy that Danny's getting to live out his dream.
Yeah.
Once you get your furniture in, it could feel more like a home.
Our place felt like a ridiculous oversized box too until I warmed it up with some cushions and some throws, and now look at it, hey, Danny? Yeah.
Listen, I'm happy to go down to Spotlight and grab you a couple of things.
_ Okay, I've just left the rest out the front 'cause we've gotta go.
- I should grab it.
- _ A lot of that Danish stuff looks like hard rubbish.
I thought Troy would've joined us today? - Why? - Well, he always loves coming to the - tip when we have a load.
- When are you all gonna realise Troy and I have not been together for four years, and it is over? He was busy today anyway, Pop.
Doing what? It's Saturday, Centrelink isn't open.
Come on.
Maybe Brianna will actually have to lift something besides her phone.
Excuse me! Younis and I are actually planning something for our future, so that one day we might have a house of our own.
'Cause unlike you, we don't want to live in a crappy bungalow out the back of our mum and dad's place.
- Sorry, Dad, love you.
- You're good.
Oh, and what's the big plan? Another fucking pop-up shop? Amber! She had a go.
Well, you had a few goes, didn't you, love? Was it four? - Five.
- The cold-pressed juices.
And weirdly enough, no one wanted to pay 15 for decimated bok choy.
- Kale.
- Maybe we should've tried bok choy.
Anyway, this is different.
We are auditioning for The Block.
- Bullshit.
- Fantastic! It's the next step in our relationship.
Why would you want to make your relationship public? To cement it and make it real.
That's why it's called reality TV, Amber, - it's real.
- Unbelievable! Someone pinched the shade already.
- What's the time? - You've got plenty of time.
Move, dickwad! Feet! What the fuck are you doing in a Sportage? Who are they? Uh girls I'd like you to meet an old lover of mine, Amber.
Amber, this is Taylor and Madison.
Yeah, hi.
What are you doing with them? Dropping them off to netball.
What are you, Mrs Fucking Doubtfire? I've met someone.
Who? - Their mother.
- Shawny! You knew about this? I've got to go.
They're due on court five? Five.
Let me get this straight you have been to about three of his matches ever, but these kids got the full Mike Brady? Amber, I've got oranges for Shawny's game, and I'm running the boundary at the third quarter.
Oh, there you are! We've been looking for you on court eight.
Yeah.
Sorry.
I think I smell of canteen food.
Mackenzie's had a snot explosion.
Babe, have you got any wipes? Amber, this is Micky.
Oh, hello.
- As in the mouse? - No! As in Michelle.
I know, right? Michelle, Madison, Mackenzie.
Poor Taylor! Oh, wait.
Oh, my God.
You're Amber! Oh! Congratulations on Shawn.
- He is an amazing boy.
- Ta.
Not surprising, considering he had the best dad ever! I really think they've got what it takes for a full on renovation show.
- Yeah.
They look hot.
- Did she tell you? Don't you think Shaynna Blaze would get on so well with Brianna? - Who? - She's from The Block, Mum.
That renovating show.
- Which channel? - Nine.
Are they still going? You should go on The Block, Dad.
With someone who can do stuff, though, like Uncle Kayne.
- Bang up for it, Dan.
- Okay, okay.
Firstly, firstly, my brand new walls, okay, and secondly, these racquets are for competition only.
And shuttlecocks.
Okay? And thirdly, The Block is not a show for architects.
Kayne, get the fluoro masking tape out of the truck.
I'm fine.
All good, all good.
This wasn't working in this space anyway.
I'll run a neat orange line around it, Dan, won't happen again.
No, no, no, no, I don't want fluoro orange tape in here.
In fact, I don't want any of this stuff in here.
Actually, stop, stop, stop.
Stop.
Could I just ask everybody to grab a box and just take everything into the garage? Uh, I thought that we could all get some pizza and at least try and get one room looking good.
Like home.
Baby, I've got my interview in the morning.
Oh, yeah, Bess told us, for the mini magazine.
Minimalist.
Minimalist Modern magazine.
It's import only.
Very prestigious.
Look, look, it'll take too much time to unpack this stuff, so, let's just move all this stuff out, let's just move it all out here, and then, that way, we can take our time with it.
And tonight? Well, we'll just use the furniture I've set up for the photoshoot.
Bess, why don't you and the children come and stay at my place, and that way, the chair, the cactus, and the concrete will be kept nice for Danny for the morning.
- She means - That's a great idea.
- Really? - Yeah.
That makes sense.
Mwah! Can I stay here with Dad? - Yes.
- No.
Oh! It is like a Barcelona chair took a Valium and put on some Ugg boots.
Isn't this fun? Girls' night! Watching the telly with ma gurls.
- Are you all right? - I'm fine.
I'm not.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Okay.
Straight up, is it working? Sweetheart, that's fantastic! I'm speechless, it's exactly like you see in the movies.
Wow! Thank you.
It's a template that comes with iMovie.
I'm really happy with it.
- He edited it on this.
- Really? I can't even find the smileys! They're emojis, Pop.
You'll get on that show for sure.
Don't just say it, Mum.
No, really?! Yes! Scotty Cam is going to love you guys.
Where did they meet? Hello? A chance encounter at the gym with a kettle bell collision.
Weren't you watching? Not you, Troy and Micky.
I don't know.
At the shops or something.
How could they meet at the shops? Your dad doesn't have any money.
I can't believe you didn't tell me.
I thought you'd freak out.
Why would I freak out?! I broke up with him.
Amber, you are so selfish.
We're meant to be talking about my audition video.
Oh, you mean the audition video for a building show where you aren't doing any fuckin' building? Babe we forgot building.
I know something we can demolish! Do not touch my bungalow.
And he's away.
The people's champion.
Bright Bright Bright.
- Ow! - Hey! Oscar, what are you doing?! - I wanted to stay with you, Dad.
- Oh! I didn't want to share a room with Edwina.
She has all these rules, like you have to have a shower.
That's a reasonable rule.
But she says it every day.
Dad, you play pool.
- Vodka and orange? - Yes, please! So I wanted to ask you guys if Younis and I could The Block the house.
What, our house? Imagine this room, the bar, the pool table, with an update.
- What would you update? - Dad, you heard Amber.
You have to have building.
But, sweetheart, there's no before here! You can't have a good after video unless you have a good before.
Your mum's right.
Quick game? I'm never gonna get on The Block.
I never complete anything, I'm only good at starting things.
That is so 150% not true.
You are really, really good at completing me.
Oh, for shit's sake.
Okay? As long as we have each other, nothing else matters.
Do that one.
- Are you sure this is a bed? - Yes, mate.
Yes, it's a pod.
Very, very big in Scandinavia.
So is IKEA, and they have proper beds.
Yeah, well, this is bespoke, which means nobody else has it.
- Doesn't that feel good? - Not really.
I like Caspian's bed.
It's big and super bouncy.
Yeah, well trust me, you will get used to a life without clutter very quickly indeed, okay? - Can I have a blanket? - Don't need it in the pod.
Oscar.
Oscar! It's okay.
You're only scared 'cause the house is new.
I wasn't scared I was uncomfortable.
I felt like that time we went camping and my lilo had a hole in it and I woke up with all those sharp rocks sticking into my hips.
And because you pitched the tent on the slope, all the blood had rushed my head and I vomited on you.
Remember that? Go to sleep.
What? What? What now? I think the pod is more comfortable.
Bess, I need your help.
- You okay? - Yes.
I just got up a little bit too quickly.
What's wrong? Can we do a room-over at your new house while it's empty? Oh, I thought someone had been arrested or had a tumour.
Of course you can, that would be great.
I was nine years old, I remember, and I whittled this bit of hardwood into a spinning top.
And I realise of course now that that's where my love of the bespoke really began.
So this, it's really just another spinning top, you know just a reflection of who I am and how I see the world, playful.
Dad, I can't walk.
I think my hip's twisted after sleeping in the pod.
Excuse me, I'll just be a second.
Sorry, Anoushka.
Sorry.
Go on, go on.
Is it important for you to have common material threads between the spaces? Mmm.
Yes.
Yes, definitely.
Definitely.
For me, with House One, I really wanted there to be Like, each environment is hewn from the same block, you know? Which really does exemplify the no fuss, no clutter way that I choose Uh, sorry, guys, stop.
Stopping! What are we doing? Bess said we could do a room makeover for The Block.
Hey, Danny! I know that I said I would be around midmorning, but Mum just wanted me to help rearrange some furniture.
Brianna's doing what? Oh If I could ask that Minimalist Modern magazine could follow me on Instagram, - Absolutely, not a problem.
- that would mean the world to me.
It's just @brighteyes.
Sorry.
Stop, stop! Self-portrait.
Just kidding! How cute is it? Are you going on The Block? No! God, no! No.
But they said you're going on The Block.
Uh, no, they didn't.
No, yes, they did.
They are my charity.
It's a pro bono thing, you know, like Doctors Without Borders.
They are Designers Without Ideas.
I'm mentoring them.
But please don't put that in the article because I'm very, very private about my philanthropy.
Thanks so much for coming again.
Appreciate it.
Thanks, Anoushka.
Bye-bye.
What does it matter? The house is empty at the moment anyway.
No, it's not empty.
It's actually a fully functioning home.
There's nothing in it! The library has no books.
Yes because they're all online.
This is a neutral space to think, to contemplate.
To contemplate how much you wish you had some books.
And cushions! Oh, what is the obsession with cushions? Why must we have cushions everywhere all the time? You think Charles and Ray Eames worried about where to put the cushions on the chaise? Probably, after they sat in it for two minutes.
Why do we need so much stuff? We have too much stuff! There is a big gap between too much stuff and no stuff.
See, you're just so used to clutter that you have no idea that this is actually aesthetically soothing and perfect as it is.
Where am I in here? Where are the kids? There's no evidence of us in here.
That's the whole point! The whole point is to create a place where I don't exist? No, no, that's not what I meant.
Of course this is totally your house and you can do whatever Please don't put that there.
I've arranged those books - What is wrong with you? - Nothing! Except isn't it my turn? - Your turn for what?! - For a turn! At the space! - Quick, Dan, can you grab my end? - I'll help.
Half of this house is mine and they are doing a room makeover in my bit of the space.
Mm-hm.
Over there.
Ow! Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O - And on that farm he had a - Duck! Duck! E-I-E-I-O With a quack-quack here - And a quack-quack there - Bullshit! Here a quack, there a quack everywhere a quack-quack Old MacDonald How do you know Old MacDonald Had A Farm? Amber, everyone knows he had a farm.
I'm talking about the song, you idiot.
Shawn said you'd be here at 1:00.
It's 1:15.
How about a round of What's the Time, Mr Wolf? That'd be fun have you ever played that? All right, I've got it, Father of the Year.
What's the deal? Shawn's gone down to the shops.
He'll be back in a minute.
You're cashing in, aren't you? Child care.
Don't cheapen this, Amber.
Nothing cheap about it, Troy.
What are you clearing, 120, This is legit, Amber! That's what you said about the alpacas.
Well, they didn't look like goats in the picture.
Look, Michelle loves me.
Which is why it's not fair on the poor girl that you're doing this.
Yeah, and I love her.
What about us? - What? - What? Oh, hello! What a nice surprise.
- Hi, Mum.
- I'm sorry the place is such a mess.
Did Troy ask you to stay for lunch? He's made his famous pumpkin soup.
You must.
Yay! _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Okay, this will be the final shot.
And action! Cue door.
Cue door! Cue the door! - Yes.
Yes.
- Oh! Okay, show me something in the face, Dan.
- Bring it alive now.
- It's beautiful.
Yes.
Welcome to heaven.
It's glitz, it's glamour, it's now, it's chic.
- Oh, my God.
- And let's meet our artist.
There she is, there's our girl.
Oh, my! Wicked! Are they your eyes? Yes, windows to the soul.
- It's her signature.
- Too much? No! No.
Maybe if it was your whole face.
But that's And you know what the real surprise is? - There's a surprise? - Happy housewarming! We all pitched in.
It's yours to keep.
What did you get them? A Russell Hobbs kettle.
Finally! We can eat.
- Are you going to help? - I'm not quite ready to unpack.
So that's it, then we've got the Playboy mansion in the front room and we're just gonna live with it? No, but what was I supposed to say? I don't know.
How about, "Here's why Harvey Norman should be shot?" Or Hang on, where are you going? - To the kitchen.
- What's in the box? Plates and bowls.
Are we allowed plates or is the kitchen an online neutral space too? I don't want any clutter.
So should we mime eating? Look, okay, okay, I am supervising the unpacking now, because I'm sick of being overrun by mess and chaos and clutter! Wait.
I'm the mess? I'm the chaos? Okay, fine.
I'm gonna live out here in the garage, in the mess and the cluster, because at least it's my mess and my clutter and it's better than living in there in that mausoleum! - You don't want to move in there? - You won't let me move in there! What's going on? Dad's freaking out because he's tired of feeling squashed by Mum's big, messy family but he's making it about the furniture.
Mum's freaking out because the whole 'new house replacing the old house' is making her relive the adoption thing.
Cool.
I might stay at Dad's house this weekend.
It's not your dad's house.
- Hop.
Hop.
- Do you mind? Why would I mind? Hop.
I thought you might be a bit jealous.
Of her? Having to look after three kids and a big fucking man baby? Yeah, I'm spewing that opportunity passed me by.
Hop.
It's all right, love.
- Yeah, I know.
- Hopping.
The good thing about Troy finally being out of the picture Hop! is you can get out there and meet someone.
- Like me and Younis.
Hop! - Hop now.
- Hopping.
- Hop, hop.
Oh! I can't stay in the zone if you all keep yelling hop.
It's too much pressure.
Younis and I are next.
After your dad and me.
Come here.
Hop! Why doesn't it throw anybody else? They're here.
Don't let them in if they're carrying soft furnishings.
Thank you for inviting them.
Thank you for moving in with me.
It just looks so sad now.
It's like you've traded your Ferrari for a Toyota.
Well, maybe a Lexus.
It's a stuck-up Camry, same thing.
Well, I just needed my things around me.
I get it.
It actually looks great.
So starving! Maybe it needs a bit more heat.
No, no, not those logs, they're just for for I've got heat beads.
Yes.
Seriously, Danny, this was the coffee table? So much more practical and a lot harder to trip over.
See, if you'd done something like this for The Block, Brianna, you might not have got rejected.
Don't go there.
I still cannot believe it.
Neither can I, after what you did to the room.
I know! But it wasn't even that.
They just didn't like the house.
- Sorry, what? - Mental, right? It was so awesome, but they said I didn't do enough to - what was it? - Disguise the bones.
"Disguise the"? This house was a problem for The Block? - Ow! - Ooh, still tricky.
- Kayne, get the tape.
- No, no, no.
Don't stress, Danny, we're not giving up.
We've already started on our MKR pitch.
We're gonna smash it.
We've made up these kebabs.
What do they have on them, babe? Protein powder marinade.
PPM.
It's amaze! Yeah, I'm just not sure why you thought there was something wrong with the house.
It's it's a house? Mate, it's a catacomb.
We'll have people looking for the bodies.
Right, okay, well have you heard of Minimalist Modern magazine? Shaynna, have you heard of Minimalist Modern magazine? No.
What's that? It's import only.
It's very prestigious.
Anyway, point is, they thought my brutalist look was outstanding.
Well that is terrific, champion.
I'm very happy for you.
Who is it? Oh, it's some bloke that's dirty about not being on the show.
No, I'm not dirty I didn't get on the show.
Actually, I am a bit.
Tell him to come back next year.
That's a good idea.
Come back next year.
Put your application in then.
No, I don't want to put my application in next Hello? You! Oh.
Oh, God, this chair's sensational.
Sync & Corrections by PetaG and johnyd13 Who did your artwork? My son.
He's very talented.
Kanye? It's an amazing feeling to be recognised as an artist.
You know he's not getting paid for this? You have used Kayne's image.
Have you got any of those head torches? They'd look great at work.
Heather had her back from Bali on Tuesday.
It's not that I mind that it's a fake.
It's just it's it's Who's the snob now?! All work, no play makes Jack dope.