Wet Hot American Summer: Ten Years Later (2017) s01e06 Episode Script
Rain
1 Gentlemen, welcome! What's this about? The deal was supposed to be done a few hours ago.
I'm here to nuke a camp! Just go with me on this.
I've solved everything.
Mr.
President, I'll get right down to the brass tacks.
We all want to destroy Camp Firewood, sure, but we don't really want to destroy Camp Firewood, do we? I'm listening.
The word "destroy" is derived from the Latin root "de," which signifies reversal, and "struere," which means "to build.
" So destroy literally means to reverse build.
And that got me thinking.
What if we looked at building instead of tearing down? I present to you the Ronald Reagan Water-Skiing and Aquatics Training Center.
State-of-the-art facilities for all skill levels.
Slalom courses, ski jumps, and a brand new fleet of schooners, ketches, cutters, yawls, catboats, and sloops.
And you've worked out the cost of everything? It's sustainable? If my calculations are correct, Mr.
President, this puppy will be profitable within a five-year horizon.
That's pretty neat, Blake.
That's pretty neat.
Well, I must say, it's a fantastic presentation.
In fact, the only thing I would do differently is And then I'd do this.
President Reagan! How do you like that? And then I'd do this! Oh I'm taking a shit.
Take him away! No! You can't do this! That's my model! He shit on my model! All right.
Your turn, Georgie.
What? Oh, come on, George.
Don't be such a fuckin' wimp.
Take a shit on the water-skiing camp.
You knew this wasn't gonna be a cakewalk, Georgie.
Take the shit! With all due respect, I am the president of these United States.
Take the shit, George.
Look at that! He's taking a shit on my shit! Your butt is touching my shit! Your butt is touching my shit, George! Shit on my shit! Shit on my shit! Yeah, shit on my shit! Yeah, his butt's touching my shit! I heard that you were hanging out with T.
J.
in bunk nine.
No, you didn't.
Where'd you hear that from? It's the last day of camp.
Just tell us.
What? It's raining.
It's raining! It's raining! Let's go! Let's go! I'm proud of you, Vic.
Proud of the work that you put in.
Do you really think I'm ready to have sex with Donna - so Yaron and her can have a baby? - I do.
And, hey, if you get nervous tonight, you just think of me, okay? You just picture this face, and I'll be there with you in spirit.
In spirit? Wait.
You're not gonna be there waiting outside the window in case I forget something? I got a life of my own to create.
A life with Shari.
She's at her highfalutin egghead boyfriend Brodfard's country house, which isn't so far away.
I'm gonna go there and try to win her back.
Well, you know what, buddy? - Why don't you give her these? - No, no, those are your flowers.
- I cannot take those.
- They're your flowers now, and I want you to give her the fucking flowers.
Thank you.
May the spirit of Camp Firewood guide us both.
May the spirit of Camp Firewood guide us both.
I know you guys don't wanna get involved, but saving Camp Firewood is important or I wouldn't have asked you to go back there.
Look, Mitch, if you say it's important, that's all I need to hear.
Ditto.
Anything for you, Mitch.
You know that.
You know, I've been meaning to ask you Weren't you both shot and killed ten years ago? It's actually quite a story.
To the untrained eye, it looked like I got shot by a sniper's bullet.
But in reality, a much more sinister plan was underway.
They used clever tricks to fake my death.
They even put a fake blood spot on my shirt.
He got shot! Why did you do that? Wow! What happened to you, Greg? You were shot, too, weren't you? Mm-hmm.
Yeah, my death was faked as well.
Similar kind of thing.
Okay.
Gotcha.
We were both taken to an underground training facility where we were guinea pigs in an experimental meshing of man and machine.
Give them all the knowledge.
All of it.
We were smarter, deadlier, faster than ever before.
You're ready.
Hey, guys! Check out my skills.
They made us do things.
Killing people kind of things.
Yes! We were the CIA's most dangerous weapon.
But all that murder was beginning to murder us - on the inside.
- So we quit.
You can't walk away.
I turned you into gods! Even God has his or her limits.
We got the hell out of Dodge and headed for greener pastures.
New York City, that is.
We were finally free to pursue our dream: A two-man jam band.
Oh, the Ontario Moon Oh, the Ontario Moon And now here you are, living your dream.
Wow! Actually, it wasn't that straight a line.
Yeah, you see, the thing about the music business is Well, it's a business.
And business was bad in '82.
Greg wanted to keep Soul Glimmer going, but I couldn't handle the rejection.
So we parted ways and I took a day job as an assistant for an ad exec at Saatchi & Saatchi.
At first, I was just fetching coffee, but before I knew it, I was writing copy.
As luck would have it, I was a natural at the ad game.
Yeah, I was making a name for myself.
Heck, if I'd stayed a few more years, I might have made partner.
And then one day, it just hit me.
How can I not be who I am on the inside? So I gave it all up to go back to do what I love.
- Soul Glimmer.
- Wow! Anyway, glad you're joining us to save the camp.
Okay, you guys have fun.
Victor, welcome.
I'm so glad that you've come.
- I, uh I got you these, madam.
- Oh! These are beautiful.
And I brought us some Bartles & Jaymes.
Okay.
And I also got you a mix CD.
It's, uh Well, I hope you like Bryan Adams.
I, uh I really like your weird robe.
Thank you.
It's from the Negev Desert.
It's hand-painted.
They are traditional harvest robes.
- Mm.
- What is he doing here? I'm here, Victor.
I'm here for the ceremony.
For doing Come on, it's time to make a baby.
Yes! Come, come.
- I didn't know it was I didn't - Now is the time.
Let's go.
- Hey! - Hey! How are you? - We don't wanna get caught talking.
- Right.
Hey, Ruby.
Recognize your flannel? Oh, yeah! Blast from the past.
- I need that back.
Remember? 'Cause - Okay.
So, listen - There's something I wanna say.
- There's something I wanna tell you.
Katie, I think you're the greatest.
And I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that this weekend has brought up some, like, seriously, like, mega humongous feelings for me.
But Ginny is my fiancée.
And I really care about her.
A lot.
And I don't wanna lose her.
I really don't.
How about you? What were you gonna say? I was gonna say if I could take a time machine back to the last day of camp in 1981 and pick you, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
You're the one who got away, Coop.
Oh, Nancy! Hi.
I'm looking for Coop.
I don't really know where to go.
And I'm getting worried 'cause he doesn't usually stray from me Ginny! Goat shack.
Thank you! I just have to make sure that I never ever lose you again.
What are we doing, Katie? Coop? Ginny! Wait! Ginny, wait! Claire! There you are.
What's wrong? I just found out that Mark has been cheating on me.
Fucking a-hole! I should've known.
Found out about him doing a dump truck with his intern? His intern? I mean, him fucking Nurse Nancy? Nurse Nancy? Oh, my God.
You knew this whole time.
You knew this whole time, and you didn't say anything? I thought you were my best friend! - Claire, wait! - Get away from me! Claire! It's time to put on your robe, Victor.
Tonight is about an intermingling of spirit.
It's a merging of essences.
Our souls.
Okay, but we're still gonna do it, right? Like, bone? - Yes, you just put the robe on first.
- Okay.
Ginny! Wait! Hello! Can anyone hear me? Listen, with Blake locked up in there, it's up to us to secure the camp for Reagan.
That guy's got a temper.
I know.
I don't want him to pee on us.
Right.
Or poop.
Come on, Pulak.
You can do this.
They want you to wear a robe you wear a fucking robe, and you get your dill pickle brined come what may.
Gene, we're on a mission.
What are we doing here in Leave It to Beaver land? If we're gonna pull this thing off, we're gonna need some help.
Gene! Hello, Gail.
- Really is a beautiful house.
- Thank you.
Stucco.
You know me.
I said to that realtor, "I don't care how big the house is, it's gotta have stucco!" I know how you feel about stucco.
I like brick-face, too, don't get me wrong.
- But - It's no stucco.
Exactly.
It certainly is not.
So If I know you, Gene, and I know you well, I know you didn't just come here to talk about stucco.
What is it? What's weighing you down? It's Firewood, Gail.
The camp's in danger.
- Again? - Yeah, again.
They need me.
That means I need you.
Gail, you know the ins and outs of that camp like you know the ins and outs of the back of your hand.
I can't, Gene.
I've made a life for myself here.
I have friends and responsibilities.
Damn it, Gail, we need you.
I have someone here who needs me.
Jenny? Sweetie pie, can you come down here for a second? Come here.
Come here.
Gene, I would like you to meet my daughter, Jenny.
Jenny, this is Gene.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Cool bandanna.
Right back at you.
Jenny loves arts and crafts, just like her mother.
Is that so? She also loves to cook just like her father.
Nice to meet you.
She likes to cook just like her father? That's so cool.
I love to cook, too.
- Right.
- Hmm.
I'm talking about you, Gene.
Eugene? Who's Eugene? Gotta go.
I'm sorry, Gene, but my life is here.
Tell Eugene's daughter I said goodbye.
She seems like a good kid.
I told McKinley to stay away from here.
I can't even look at him right now.
I can't believe he ruined our anniversary party.
Yeah, that was really selfish of him.
You deserve better.
Just relax.
It's okay.
Oh! Oh! God, you've got magic hands.
You're like a magician.
Ben, what if McKinley can't be there for Ashley? Or you, as a spouse? I mean, what would you do? I can't raise Ashley alone.
Mm.
I just want you to know that I would always, always be there for you.
No matter what.
What are you doing to me? Maybe we could raise Ashley together and give her a good life.
And then if we marry, I could take on your name.
I mean, I never really liked Renata DiNuzzio, anyway.
I thought you said your name was Delvecchio.
No, I didn't.
I said DiNuzzio.
I told you DiNuzzio.
Oh, my poor baby, you must be so stressed out.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, right.
DiNuzzio.
I must have misremembered.
Yeah, silly.
You know what, I just realized that I'm late for a business call.
So I'm just gonna go into the bathroom for a second and make a business call.
Ready Don't be afraid, Victor.
It's just Yaron and Donna.
Why are you wearing realistic masks of your own faces? Well, we all wear masks in life, don't we? Now in this bag is a mask of your face as well.
All of us will pick a mask at random and begin our journey.
Come, are you ready, Victor? When did you take a mold of my face to make a mask? - Okay, let's do this.
- Yeah.
Look, I'm not gonna psychoanalyze Naomi, though I certainly could.
But The Beauty Myth? Please.
- Hi, Shari.
- Neil? Oh, Neil, you came.
Everyone, this is Shari's friend Neil.
Neil, maybe you could settle an argument for us.
Do you think that The Beauty Myth counts as a work of the feminist second wave? Oh, yeah, you know, 'cause things come in waves.
And it's not the size of the boat that counts, it's the motion of the ocean, you know? That is so funny.
You are quite the comedian.
A real Yahoo Serious.
Neil, what is your métier? - What now? - You know, your métier.
It's French.
Your line of work.
Oh! Are you monolingual? Oh, you are.
You are monolingual.
I work as a bar back, and I take some night classes in haircutting.
You weren't kidding? That is pathetic.
How sad.
Hey, did you guys see that article in the New Republic by Martin Amis? Neil, see, maybe you shouldn't have come.
This isn't really your scene.
Yes, it is.
I have culture, Shari.
I can prove it to you.
What can I say? I love jazz and wine and novellas, so sue me.
99 bottles of beer on the wall 99 bottles of beer You take one down, pass it around 98 bottles of beer on the wall Hey, I'm J.
J.
I'm usually behind the camera.
The question that I've been asking everyone is, "If your life were a movie, what would be the title?" Mine would be Secret Crush.
I've felt this way ever since I met you ten years ago on the first day of camp in 1981.
And I have never said anything because I'm too scared.
And I am tired of being scared, and I wanna be honest.
And my honest truth is I'm in love with you.
I'm in love with you, Claire.
Hey, Neil.
I'm just curious, what are you reading these days? Myself, I'm rediscovering Ulysses.
What's your favorite Joyce? Maybe we should change the subject.
No, Shari, I'm curious.
Neil, what's your favorite James Joyce? Uh - I mean It's just so hard to pick.
- Right.
I mean, there's so many to choose from.
Right.
You know which Joyce I enjoy? The Decline of the West.
Classic Joyce.
Only it's not Joyce at all! It's Oswald Spengler, you piece of shit.
Brodfard! Neil, what did you want to be when you grew up? Brodfard, stop it.
No, Shari! He needs to hear this.
He's a big boy.
Maybe I'm not a fancy-pants like you.
Maybe I'm just a son of a meat packer from Paramus, New Jersey, but I love Shari.
She's the best thing that ever happened to me.
And Brodfard, if you think you and all these other art fucks really make Shari happy, then I say that's all that matters.
Treat her like the princess that she is.
She deserves it.
And now that I've said that, now I can say goodbye.
Goodbye, Shari.
How embarrassing.
You know what, Brodfard? Maybe I'm just a girl from New Rochelle, New York, but here's what I do know.
You're a real asshole.
And all of your book knowledge doesn't make up for the fact that you have no heart.
And now that I've said that, now I can say goodbye.
You know what, Brodfard? Maybe I'm just an art critic from Darien, Connecticut, but I resent when you made fun of me saying I like pizza.
Pizza is really yummy for me.
And there's no pizza at this party.
So having said that, now I can say goodbye.
Oh, I forgot my coat.
Please don't do that.
I think, for me, it would be a lot easier if I just took this off.
- You've gotta keep them on.
- Then I can see when I want - I want to see your boobs.
- You can still see them this way.
- Yeah, but I can't - It's not about that.
Try not to talk as much, and then more full view.
- Yeah, just Here you go.
- Okay.
How do you put it in? Ow! It's bending! It's bending! Come on, pick up, pick up.
Infirmary.
This is Yaron.
Yaron, it's Ben.
Hey, Ben, what is Listen, I need you to find McKinley and Find McKinley? Okay.
And anything you want me to My God, McKinley was right about you.
You are a psycho nanny.
I could've had it all, Ben.
You don't have to do this.
Don't you see? Yes, I do.
Yaron! Yaron! Okay, shalom.
- Wait, Ginny, it's not what you think.
- I know what I saw, Coop.
I have perfect 20/20 vision when my contacts are in, and my contacts are in! No, Ginny! No! Wait! I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Mark.
I knew that it would hurt you.
And the last thing I want in the world is to hurt you.
- Ask me the question.
- What question? Ask me, if my life were a movie, what would the title be? If your life was a movie, what would the title be? It would be Kiss Me, J.
J.
The fuck? - Mark! - You said you were my friend.
Guys, stop it! Both of you! Ginny, I know I screwed up, but you're the one that I want to get old and fat and crusty with! You should have thought of that before you went and kissed someone who wasn't me! My blueprints! You're fine, you're fine.
Oh, be careful, please! We could've had it all, Ben.
I'm sorry.
I have to be going.
No! Please, no! Sorry you can't candle-stick around.
And don't list us as a reference.
And we'll take our keys back now.
And no, you can't help yourself to anything in the kitchen.
And guess what? We won't be home by 11:00.
- It's over, babe.
- I'm so sorry I ever doubted you.
Ginny, no! Don't! We're good together.
Sorry, Coop.
Faison was right about you.
Wow.
Sex is amazing.
That was incredible, especially that end part.
Whoa! Victor, was this your first time? - Yeah.
Yes.
- Oh Well, from what I can tell, you did a great job.
Yeah, makes sense.
Thanks, man.
I mean, that end part was absolutely worth the price of admission.
- I think it worked! - What? - I felt a kick! - Donna! Our child! We're going to have a child.
We made a goddamn baby.
Me I'm a part of your circle of friends And we notice you don't come around And me, I think it all depends On you touching ground with us I quit, I give up Nothing's good enough for anybody else And I quit, I give up Nothing's good enough For anybody else - Neil! Neil! - Shari? It seems And goodbye - Everything is temporary anyway - It's over.
The rain has stopped.
It's over.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
I'm yours! Whoa! Sorry.
Now that the camp is legally ours, George, there's nothing to stop us from blowing it up.
She's all ready, sir.
Goodbye, Camp Firetruck.
Goodbye.
Sequence initiated.
Launch to commence in one hour.
- An hour? - Well, it's a nuclear warhead, sir.
It doesn't just launch the moment you push the button.
I've waited ten years for this.
I can wait another hour.
I'm here to nuke a camp! Just go with me on this.
I've solved everything.
Mr.
President, I'll get right down to the brass tacks.
We all want to destroy Camp Firewood, sure, but we don't really want to destroy Camp Firewood, do we? I'm listening.
The word "destroy" is derived from the Latin root "de," which signifies reversal, and "struere," which means "to build.
" So destroy literally means to reverse build.
And that got me thinking.
What if we looked at building instead of tearing down? I present to you the Ronald Reagan Water-Skiing and Aquatics Training Center.
State-of-the-art facilities for all skill levels.
Slalom courses, ski jumps, and a brand new fleet of schooners, ketches, cutters, yawls, catboats, and sloops.
And you've worked out the cost of everything? It's sustainable? If my calculations are correct, Mr.
President, this puppy will be profitable within a five-year horizon.
That's pretty neat, Blake.
That's pretty neat.
Well, I must say, it's a fantastic presentation.
In fact, the only thing I would do differently is And then I'd do this.
President Reagan! How do you like that? And then I'd do this! Oh I'm taking a shit.
Take him away! No! You can't do this! That's my model! He shit on my model! All right.
Your turn, Georgie.
What? Oh, come on, George.
Don't be such a fuckin' wimp.
Take a shit on the water-skiing camp.
You knew this wasn't gonna be a cakewalk, Georgie.
Take the shit! With all due respect, I am the president of these United States.
Take the shit, George.
Look at that! He's taking a shit on my shit! Your butt is touching my shit! Your butt is touching my shit, George! Shit on my shit! Shit on my shit! Yeah, shit on my shit! Yeah, his butt's touching my shit! I heard that you were hanging out with T.
J.
in bunk nine.
No, you didn't.
Where'd you hear that from? It's the last day of camp.
Just tell us.
What? It's raining.
It's raining! It's raining! Let's go! Let's go! I'm proud of you, Vic.
Proud of the work that you put in.
Do you really think I'm ready to have sex with Donna - so Yaron and her can have a baby? - I do.
And, hey, if you get nervous tonight, you just think of me, okay? You just picture this face, and I'll be there with you in spirit.
In spirit? Wait.
You're not gonna be there waiting outside the window in case I forget something? I got a life of my own to create.
A life with Shari.
She's at her highfalutin egghead boyfriend Brodfard's country house, which isn't so far away.
I'm gonna go there and try to win her back.
Well, you know what, buddy? - Why don't you give her these? - No, no, those are your flowers.
- I cannot take those.
- They're your flowers now, and I want you to give her the fucking flowers.
Thank you.
May the spirit of Camp Firewood guide us both.
May the spirit of Camp Firewood guide us both.
I know you guys don't wanna get involved, but saving Camp Firewood is important or I wouldn't have asked you to go back there.
Look, Mitch, if you say it's important, that's all I need to hear.
Ditto.
Anything for you, Mitch.
You know that.
You know, I've been meaning to ask you Weren't you both shot and killed ten years ago? It's actually quite a story.
To the untrained eye, it looked like I got shot by a sniper's bullet.
But in reality, a much more sinister plan was underway.
They used clever tricks to fake my death.
They even put a fake blood spot on my shirt.
He got shot! Why did you do that? Wow! What happened to you, Greg? You were shot, too, weren't you? Mm-hmm.
Yeah, my death was faked as well.
Similar kind of thing.
Okay.
Gotcha.
We were both taken to an underground training facility where we were guinea pigs in an experimental meshing of man and machine.
Give them all the knowledge.
All of it.
We were smarter, deadlier, faster than ever before.
You're ready.
Hey, guys! Check out my skills.
They made us do things.
Killing people kind of things.
Yes! We were the CIA's most dangerous weapon.
But all that murder was beginning to murder us - on the inside.
- So we quit.
You can't walk away.
I turned you into gods! Even God has his or her limits.
We got the hell out of Dodge and headed for greener pastures.
New York City, that is.
We were finally free to pursue our dream: A two-man jam band.
Oh, the Ontario Moon Oh, the Ontario Moon And now here you are, living your dream.
Wow! Actually, it wasn't that straight a line.
Yeah, you see, the thing about the music business is Well, it's a business.
And business was bad in '82.
Greg wanted to keep Soul Glimmer going, but I couldn't handle the rejection.
So we parted ways and I took a day job as an assistant for an ad exec at Saatchi & Saatchi.
At first, I was just fetching coffee, but before I knew it, I was writing copy.
As luck would have it, I was a natural at the ad game.
Yeah, I was making a name for myself.
Heck, if I'd stayed a few more years, I might have made partner.
And then one day, it just hit me.
How can I not be who I am on the inside? So I gave it all up to go back to do what I love.
- Soul Glimmer.
- Wow! Anyway, glad you're joining us to save the camp.
Okay, you guys have fun.
Victor, welcome.
I'm so glad that you've come.
- I, uh I got you these, madam.
- Oh! These are beautiful.
And I brought us some Bartles & Jaymes.
Okay.
And I also got you a mix CD.
It's, uh Well, I hope you like Bryan Adams.
I, uh I really like your weird robe.
Thank you.
It's from the Negev Desert.
It's hand-painted.
They are traditional harvest robes.
- Mm.
- What is he doing here? I'm here, Victor.
I'm here for the ceremony.
For doing Come on, it's time to make a baby.
Yes! Come, come.
- I didn't know it was I didn't - Now is the time.
Let's go.
- Hey! - Hey! How are you? - We don't wanna get caught talking.
- Right.
Hey, Ruby.
Recognize your flannel? Oh, yeah! Blast from the past.
- I need that back.
Remember? 'Cause - Okay.
So, listen - There's something I wanna say.
- There's something I wanna tell you.
Katie, I think you're the greatest.
And I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that this weekend has brought up some, like, seriously, like, mega humongous feelings for me.
But Ginny is my fiancée.
And I really care about her.
A lot.
And I don't wanna lose her.
I really don't.
How about you? What were you gonna say? I was gonna say if I could take a time machine back to the last day of camp in 1981 and pick you, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
You're the one who got away, Coop.
Oh, Nancy! Hi.
I'm looking for Coop.
I don't really know where to go.
And I'm getting worried 'cause he doesn't usually stray from me Ginny! Goat shack.
Thank you! I just have to make sure that I never ever lose you again.
What are we doing, Katie? Coop? Ginny! Wait! Ginny, wait! Claire! There you are.
What's wrong? I just found out that Mark has been cheating on me.
Fucking a-hole! I should've known.
Found out about him doing a dump truck with his intern? His intern? I mean, him fucking Nurse Nancy? Nurse Nancy? Oh, my God.
You knew this whole time.
You knew this whole time, and you didn't say anything? I thought you were my best friend! - Claire, wait! - Get away from me! Claire! It's time to put on your robe, Victor.
Tonight is about an intermingling of spirit.
It's a merging of essences.
Our souls.
Okay, but we're still gonna do it, right? Like, bone? - Yes, you just put the robe on first.
- Okay.
Ginny! Wait! Hello! Can anyone hear me? Listen, with Blake locked up in there, it's up to us to secure the camp for Reagan.
That guy's got a temper.
I know.
I don't want him to pee on us.
Right.
Or poop.
Come on, Pulak.
You can do this.
They want you to wear a robe you wear a fucking robe, and you get your dill pickle brined come what may.
Gene, we're on a mission.
What are we doing here in Leave It to Beaver land? If we're gonna pull this thing off, we're gonna need some help.
Gene! Hello, Gail.
- Really is a beautiful house.
- Thank you.
Stucco.
You know me.
I said to that realtor, "I don't care how big the house is, it's gotta have stucco!" I know how you feel about stucco.
I like brick-face, too, don't get me wrong.
- But - It's no stucco.
Exactly.
It certainly is not.
So If I know you, Gene, and I know you well, I know you didn't just come here to talk about stucco.
What is it? What's weighing you down? It's Firewood, Gail.
The camp's in danger.
- Again? - Yeah, again.
They need me.
That means I need you.
Gail, you know the ins and outs of that camp like you know the ins and outs of the back of your hand.
I can't, Gene.
I've made a life for myself here.
I have friends and responsibilities.
Damn it, Gail, we need you.
I have someone here who needs me.
Jenny? Sweetie pie, can you come down here for a second? Come here.
Come here.
Gene, I would like you to meet my daughter, Jenny.
Jenny, this is Gene.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Cool bandanna.
Right back at you.
Jenny loves arts and crafts, just like her mother.
Is that so? She also loves to cook just like her father.
Nice to meet you.
She likes to cook just like her father? That's so cool.
I love to cook, too.
- Right.
- Hmm.
I'm talking about you, Gene.
Eugene? Who's Eugene? Gotta go.
I'm sorry, Gene, but my life is here.
Tell Eugene's daughter I said goodbye.
She seems like a good kid.
I told McKinley to stay away from here.
I can't even look at him right now.
I can't believe he ruined our anniversary party.
Yeah, that was really selfish of him.
You deserve better.
Just relax.
It's okay.
Oh! Oh! God, you've got magic hands.
You're like a magician.
Ben, what if McKinley can't be there for Ashley? Or you, as a spouse? I mean, what would you do? I can't raise Ashley alone.
Mm.
I just want you to know that I would always, always be there for you.
No matter what.
What are you doing to me? Maybe we could raise Ashley together and give her a good life.
And then if we marry, I could take on your name.
I mean, I never really liked Renata DiNuzzio, anyway.
I thought you said your name was Delvecchio.
No, I didn't.
I said DiNuzzio.
I told you DiNuzzio.
Oh, my poor baby, you must be so stressed out.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, right.
DiNuzzio.
I must have misremembered.
Yeah, silly.
You know what, I just realized that I'm late for a business call.
So I'm just gonna go into the bathroom for a second and make a business call.
Ready Don't be afraid, Victor.
It's just Yaron and Donna.
Why are you wearing realistic masks of your own faces? Well, we all wear masks in life, don't we? Now in this bag is a mask of your face as well.
All of us will pick a mask at random and begin our journey.
Come, are you ready, Victor? When did you take a mold of my face to make a mask? - Okay, let's do this.
- Yeah.
Look, I'm not gonna psychoanalyze Naomi, though I certainly could.
But The Beauty Myth? Please.
- Hi, Shari.
- Neil? Oh, Neil, you came.
Everyone, this is Shari's friend Neil.
Neil, maybe you could settle an argument for us.
Do you think that The Beauty Myth counts as a work of the feminist second wave? Oh, yeah, you know, 'cause things come in waves.
And it's not the size of the boat that counts, it's the motion of the ocean, you know? That is so funny.
You are quite the comedian.
A real Yahoo Serious.
Neil, what is your métier? - What now? - You know, your métier.
It's French.
Your line of work.
Oh! Are you monolingual? Oh, you are.
You are monolingual.
I work as a bar back, and I take some night classes in haircutting.
You weren't kidding? That is pathetic.
How sad.
Hey, did you guys see that article in the New Republic by Martin Amis? Neil, see, maybe you shouldn't have come.
This isn't really your scene.
Yes, it is.
I have culture, Shari.
I can prove it to you.
What can I say? I love jazz and wine and novellas, so sue me.
99 bottles of beer on the wall 99 bottles of beer You take one down, pass it around 98 bottles of beer on the wall Hey, I'm J.
J.
I'm usually behind the camera.
The question that I've been asking everyone is, "If your life were a movie, what would be the title?" Mine would be Secret Crush.
I've felt this way ever since I met you ten years ago on the first day of camp in 1981.
And I have never said anything because I'm too scared.
And I am tired of being scared, and I wanna be honest.
And my honest truth is I'm in love with you.
I'm in love with you, Claire.
Hey, Neil.
I'm just curious, what are you reading these days? Myself, I'm rediscovering Ulysses.
What's your favorite Joyce? Maybe we should change the subject.
No, Shari, I'm curious.
Neil, what's your favorite James Joyce? Uh - I mean It's just so hard to pick.
- Right.
I mean, there's so many to choose from.
Right.
You know which Joyce I enjoy? The Decline of the West.
Classic Joyce.
Only it's not Joyce at all! It's Oswald Spengler, you piece of shit.
Brodfard! Neil, what did you want to be when you grew up? Brodfard, stop it.
No, Shari! He needs to hear this.
He's a big boy.
Maybe I'm not a fancy-pants like you.
Maybe I'm just a son of a meat packer from Paramus, New Jersey, but I love Shari.
She's the best thing that ever happened to me.
And Brodfard, if you think you and all these other art fucks really make Shari happy, then I say that's all that matters.
Treat her like the princess that she is.
She deserves it.
And now that I've said that, now I can say goodbye.
Goodbye, Shari.
How embarrassing.
You know what, Brodfard? Maybe I'm just a girl from New Rochelle, New York, but here's what I do know.
You're a real asshole.
And all of your book knowledge doesn't make up for the fact that you have no heart.
And now that I've said that, now I can say goodbye.
You know what, Brodfard? Maybe I'm just an art critic from Darien, Connecticut, but I resent when you made fun of me saying I like pizza.
Pizza is really yummy for me.
And there's no pizza at this party.
So having said that, now I can say goodbye.
Oh, I forgot my coat.
Please don't do that.
I think, for me, it would be a lot easier if I just took this off.
- You've gotta keep them on.
- Then I can see when I want - I want to see your boobs.
- You can still see them this way.
- Yeah, but I can't - It's not about that.
Try not to talk as much, and then more full view.
- Yeah, just Here you go.
- Okay.
How do you put it in? Ow! It's bending! It's bending! Come on, pick up, pick up.
Infirmary.
This is Yaron.
Yaron, it's Ben.
Hey, Ben, what is Listen, I need you to find McKinley and Find McKinley? Okay.
And anything you want me to My God, McKinley was right about you.
You are a psycho nanny.
I could've had it all, Ben.
You don't have to do this.
Don't you see? Yes, I do.
Yaron! Yaron! Okay, shalom.
- Wait, Ginny, it's not what you think.
- I know what I saw, Coop.
I have perfect 20/20 vision when my contacts are in, and my contacts are in! No, Ginny! No! Wait! I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Mark.
I knew that it would hurt you.
And the last thing I want in the world is to hurt you.
- Ask me the question.
- What question? Ask me, if my life were a movie, what would the title be? If your life was a movie, what would the title be? It would be Kiss Me, J.
J.
The fuck? - Mark! - You said you were my friend.
Guys, stop it! Both of you! Ginny, I know I screwed up, but you're the one that I want to get old and fat and crusty with! You should have thought of that before you went and kissed someone who wasn't me! My blueprints! You're fine, you're fine.
Oh, be careful, please! We could've had it all, Ben.
I'm sorry.
I have to be going.
No! Please, no! Sorry you can't candle-stick around.
And don't list us as a reference.
And we'll take our keys back now.
And no, you can't help yourself to anything in the kitchen.
And guess what? We won't be home by 11:00.
- It's over, babe.
- I'm so sorry I ever doubted you.
Ginny, no! Don't! We're good together.
Sorry, Coop.
Faison was right about you.
Wow.
Sex is amazing.
That was incredible, especially that end part.
Whoa! Victor, was this your first time? - Yeah.
Yes.
- Oh Well, from what I can tell, you did a great job.
Yeah, makes sense.
Thanks, man.
I mean, that end part was absolutely worth the price of admission.
- I think it worked! - What? - I felt a kick! - Donna! Our child! We're going to have a child.
We made a goddamn baby.
Me I'm a part of your circle of friends And we notice you don't come around And me, I think it all depends On you touching ground with us I quit, I give up Nothing's good enough for anybody else And I quit, I give up Nothing's good enough For anybody else - Neil! Neil! - Shari? It seems And goodbye - Everything is temporary anyway - It's over.
The rain has stopped.
It's over.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
I'm yours! Whoa! Sorry.
Now that the camp is legally ours, George, there's nothing to stop us from blowing it up.
She's all ready, sir.
Goodbye, Camp Firetruck.
Goodbye.
Sequence initiated.
Launch to commence in one hour.
- An hour? - Well, it's a nuclear warhead, sir.
It doesn't just launch the moment you push the button.
I've waited ten years for this.
I can wait another hour.