Would I Lie To You? (2007) Episode Scripts

N/A - Huw Edwards, Sarah Millican, Bradley Walsh, Josie Lawrence

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?, the show with fantastical fibs and tantalising truths.
And on David Mitchell's team tonight, a news presenter whose accent has been described as sexy and like warm honey, or put another way, Welsh.
Huw Edwards! APPLAUSE And the star of the Sarah Millican Television Programme, I'll keep you in suspense no longer, it's Sarah Millican! APPLAUSE And on Lee Mack's team tonight, an actress who can convince you of anything.
She told me earlier she's delighted to be on Lee's team.
It's Josie Lawrence.
And a comedian, actor and former professional footballer who used to play with the likes of Beckham, Lineker and Shearer, and if Burt Beckham, Arthur Lineker and Frank Shearer are watching, he says hi.
It's Bradley Walsh.
So we begin with Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder they've never seen the card before so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction, and Sarah is first up.
When I'm feeling tired I photograph myself to see how tired I look.
I then compare this photograph with other photographs I've taken of myself when I felt tired to see how tired I really am.
Lee's team, what do you think? When, when did this begin, Sarah? Probably three or four years ago.
How? Boredom.
The first time you did it what brought that on? I think I was just taking photos of things in the flat and then thought I'd take a photo of myself.
When you say tired, do you feel your eyes are or just a little bit tired? Well, it depends, it can depend.
Sometimes I'm a little bit tired, sometimes I'm really, really tired.
If you're wearing glasses and taking photographs, of course, - that would disguise the tiredness in your eyes - Do you want me - to take them off now? Yes, please do, yes.
Just do a pretend one for us, Sarah, that's it.
To be fair, she looks absolutely knackered.
You look Do that face again.
What would you give yourself from one to ten, if one is not tired I can't see it, that's why I take the photo! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE When you look at these pictures how do they make you feel? Well, sometimes if I think I'm really tired and I take a photo of myself and then I compare it with another much earlier tired one that seems to be more tired, then I feel better.
Whilst you're asleep, do you ever go HE SNORES .
and not realise you've done it? No, I eat a lot in the night but I've never taken a photo.
Not as you're sleeping though, Sarah, surely? You're not shovelling it in from the bedside table as you sleep? No, but I do wake up in the morning with less biscuits than I thought I had.
So what are you going to say, Lee? Is this the truth or has she made it up? I think it's true.
Josie thinks it's true.
I think she's lying and I think it's a lie because I don't think Sarah's that ridiculous or that vain.
Well, we're in trouble if it's true then, aren't we?! So, Lee, what are you going to say? I'll say I'll go with Josie, say it's true.
You're going to say it's true, right.
Sarah, was it the truth or was it a lie? It was true.
Ah, very good well played.
And the exciting thing is not only is it true, we have the evidence.
Take a look at this.
LAUGHTER Now, Sarah, how do you rate How do you rate that one? That's a good seven out of ten.
You know, that's been a hell of a day, hasn't it? All right, let's go on now to snap number two.
LAUGHTER That's different cos that's happy tired.
- Can you see? - That's happy tired?! - Yes.
Let's have a look at number three.
LAUGHTER Were you on a drip there? - Were you being kept alive in that one? - That is the worst one! I couldn't even be bothered to hide my bra strap.
Yes, it's true, Sarah does photograph herself to see how tired she looks.
I'm terrible after a late night.
You know, some mornings I barely recognise the old man looking back at me in the mirror, or remember why I invited him home in the first place.
LAUGHTER Right, Huw, you're next.
I have an evil eye that I use on my colleagues during broadcasts when I want them to move on.
Now when you say your colleagues, who in particular? Cos don't you read the news on your own? - It's a very lonely job.
- You mean correspondents, don't you? - Colleagues who might be correspondents.
- Nick Robinson? Oh, I see! Robert Peston for example.
People who come in to drone on about something endlessly.
All right, well, Lee I'll tell you what, you be a correspondent.
- I'll be a correspondent.
- So I'll And then Huw, do your evil eye.
You mentioned Robert Peston going on and on about the world coming to an end, I've got to stop him talking.
Right, in news today, we believe that there's a chance that the Oh, my God! That's it.
Do it again! You've got to start again, I can't do it in silence.
Today the icecaps were melting once again and we've found - That's not what a correspondent says.
- That's true.
A correspondent doesn't say "In the news today"! You've got to talk about the euro.
Oh, I'm sorry, David(!) I'm sorry, I didn't realise there was going to have to be method! Talk about the euro and do it with some level of insight for God's sake! I will, I will! Today "Today"?! Today, yes! All right, tomorrow! "We're now going to our correspondent, TODAY"! Why are you saying "today"? All right, forget it! Tomorrow, do you know what I heard? That the euro.
Good, it is good.
David can't see it.
Do it to David.
There are gradations of it, OK.
David, wait, do it properly.
Pretend you're a sports correspondent.
LAUGHTER You're talking about the Carling Cup Final last year, David.
Today Not today, not today.
Today No, no today! Today in the football, once again, they were kicking it - Oh, God! - It does work.
It does work.
Some of them are very, very resistant to it.
You are the BBC version of Medusa, are you not? I have to stop these people, they have to be stopped.
LAUGHTER - You said there are gradations.
- That's right.
So, OK, let's see minor irritation.
- Did you see that? - Well, it's barely noticeable.
- Well, exactly.
- That's a nervous twitch surely.
- No, it's not.
- OK, medium? - That's good.
I like that.
- OK, and then full on.
If I angle the head down, that is serious, it really is.
- If you're really not interested do you raise both eyebrows? - No! - It's going to backfire, isn't it? - No, there's a different one I use.
He's fascinated by this! Wow, this is interesting! There's always the "turn your back on them" technique which I have used as well, but Robert Peston still carries on.
You don't really turn on him.
Oh, I have done.
So, Rob you're now Robert Peston.
So you say "quantitative easing".
Quantitative easing, will it work? It's hard to say, Huw.
And at the end of the day we won't know until Tuesday when the Chancellor is going to give us his report.
Now, word is that that report is going to contain many of the ingredients APPLAUSE .
but until it's released we won't know and don't forget that there's always the opportunity for the Shadow Chancellor to put forward his proposal.
We won't know until Wednesday.
Why Wednesday, you ask? Well, Wednesday is the day when the report will be presented.
- Our Business Editor, Rob Brydon, thank you very much indeed.
- Thank you very much.
So, what do we think? You think it's true? Lie, lie, lie.
You think it's a lie? He's too lovely, he really is.
- He's like a big, old, cuddly Welsh bear.
- Old?! I mean old in the loveliest sense rather than in the old sense.
You think it's a lie? Why lie, Bradley, why lie? Because you can.
No, I mean why do you think this is a lie?! LAUGHTER He's a very solitary person on television.
I see Huw in my living room, he's on his own.
He's never given me the evil eye.
So truth or lie? Lie.
OK, my team say lie.
You say it's a lie.
Huw, was it the truth or was it a lie? You should know that I am programmed by the BBC to tell the truth.
APPLAUSE Wow, yes, it's true.
Different news presenters have their own little techniques, Fiona Bruce will incline her head to one side.
Emily Maitlis will cough, and Jeremy Paxman will grab you by the lapels and tell you to "shut it" or he'll glass you.
- Bradley, you're next.
- Oh, OK, here we go.
Whilst fulfilling a lifelong dream of swimming with dolphins, I had to punch one of them on the nose because I firmly believed it was trying to remove my trunks.
Where and when? Florida.
When? - 2005.
- Yes.
- What was this dolphin doing? You're swimming along I've never swum with dolphins.
He's getting off on this! I want it as arousing as possible! And a blow by blow, if it came to that, account of what this particular saucy bottlenose did around your trunks.
OK, erm LEE MIMICS DOLPHIN CALL LAUGHTER - Don't! - Get 'em off! - Get 'em off! - Lee, please stop, because I have nightmares about it.
I have flashbacks! Flashbacks.
You have to hold onto the dolphin's fins, like this, and they propel you across the water so you're in tandem with dolphins.
- Is it in the sea? - It was like a SeaWorld place.
And I was being propelled across the water, or dragged across the water, by these dolphins.
- Holding them by the dorsal fins.
- Indeed.
I got to the other side of the tank that we were in, and one swam left and the other one came round and was poking me in the back.
So, consequently, the lady - who was there - The lady dolphin? - No, not the lady dolphin.
You know, the instructor lady, she said, "Just shoo him away.
" So I went, "Shoo, shoo!" But he wouldn't go and all of the sudden, it actually ran its nose down the back I've got a crevice in my spine, right the way down, and my trunks started to go south.
When you say you've got a crevice in your spine, you're not getting mixed up with the bottom, are you? As I turned round, I went like that and caught the dolphin right on the nose and it startled the dolphin and the dolphin swam off.
- You been back to SeaWorld in the meantime? - Yes, I've been back.
Swimming with dolphins again, after that rousing experience? I went with a charity.
- What had happened to you? Did you have an illness? - No, I didn't.
LAUGHTER So what are you thinking, David? Which way are you leaning? It's pervy and a bit creepy, isn't it? But it's perfectly believable.
Never mind the other two on your team! What do you think? Perfectly believable! I didn't believe it at all to start with, and now I believe it a bit.
But it is disgusting.
Disgusting! He seems quite ashamed of it, which makes me think it might be true.
He's a good-looking fella! I can see what they were thinking! We think it's true.
The team are in agreement.
OK, Bradley Walsh, were you telling us the truth, or was it a lie? HE SIGHS HEAVILY Rob Brydon, it's a total lie! APPLAUSE Yes, it's a lie.
Bradley didn't punch a dolphin on the nose, because he believed it was trying to remove his trunks.
Next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them who has a genuine connection to the guest and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's special guest - Paul.
APPLAUSE Right, Bradley, what is Paul to you? This is Paul, my school friend, who loved mashed potato so much, that I used to steal it off teachers' plates for him.
LAUGHTER OK, Josie, how do you know Paul? This is Paul and he taught me the carrot technique for giving up smoking.
Finally, Lee, your relationship to Paul? This is my milkman, Paul.
I came down one morning to find he'd left 88 pints of milk on my doorstep.
So, there we are.
Bradley's Mr Potato Head, Josie's carrot counsellor or Lee's mixed-up milkman.
David, where do you start? All right, mashed potato? Why did you see it as your role to obtain mashed potato for Paul? MOMENTARY SILENCE LAUGHTER Because he loved mashed potato so much, and I was his friend, and he wasn't brave enough.
How did you steal it without the teachers noticing? PENSIVE SILENCE LAUGHTER I stole it when the teachers weren't looking.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY How many teachers did you steal mashed potato from, and on how many separate occasions? Described the scale and nature of the scam! Five years I've had this! RAUCOUS LAUGHTER What happened was, the teachers' dinners - had mashed potato on them.
- Were the pupils allowed no mashed potato? Was mashed potato the luxury item, available only to teachers? No, not necessarily.
- Not necessarily? - No, no.
On some days? Some days we would have mashed potato.
I had a very privileged upbringing, where mashed potato was available to teachers and pupils alike.
Not a day goes by, when I don't give thanks for that! Some days we had no mashed potato, and, erm DAVID PROMPTING: Paul Paul LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Rob, how come I never get a newsreader? We would have lunch in the dining area.
The teachers that were looking after us in that dining area, would then swap over and have their lunch later than us.
- Right.
- The plates of dinner going to the other teachers had mash on them.
And somewhere else in the school, other than the dining room, we'd take the mash.
Just sum up for us, how you got the mashed potato off the teacher's plate and onto Paul's plate.
I hijacked the canteen trolley thing.
On a trolley, so it's an industrial quantity of mash you're moving around here, yeah? Is that right? Would you like to move on with your enquiries? Josie, what is the carrot method? Paul, bless him, is my plumber.
And is I've known him for about ten years now.
I do like a cheeky ciggie every now and then.
About two months ago, he came and did a tap in my utility room, and I said, "Paul", when I gave him a cup of tea, I said, "You know you can have a fag in this house.
" He said, "I don't do it any more, but I'll show you what I do.
" And he had a packet of ciggies with a little plastic bag thing, and little sticks of carrots.
And he nibbled them.
- So you don't smoke the carrots? - No! No! So it's quite simple, every time you fancy a cigarette, just nibble on a carrot.
But for some reason, because I've tried before, just having the packet with you So you put them in the cigarette packet? Yes, that was his little technique.
I was trying to give up heroin once, and carried round a little tub of hummus.
I found that worked.
Right, what about Lee's story? When was this? It was about six weeks ago.
- Glass bottles of milk.
- And how were they arranged on the doorstep? - In the shape of a cow! What does that matter? - It does.
I'm just trying to picture the scene.
Where were they arranged? - On the door, 88 bottles of milk.
- Where were they? Where were they? On the doorstep, around the doorstep - You've got a very big doorstep.
- Let me finish.
On the doorstep, around the doorstep, around the side, up the bit that I have at the side of my house.
- The colour of the foil on the milk bottles? - The colour of the foil? Blue.
Blue? Which means what? It means that it's full-fat.
I didn't think anybody drank full-fat any more.
Is this the bit you doubt about this story? I had 88 bottles of milk on my doorstep.
- That's fine.
That's champion.
- Full-fat? Are you bonkers? How many had you ordered? I had ordered Well I thought I had ordered eight.
- You thought you'd ordered that's a lot.
- Eight pints? Of full-fat milk.
Why did you want eight pints of full-fat milk? Because I had friends staying over.
Who liked milkshakes? I ordered online, I made a mistake.
I meant to put eight bottles and I hit it and put 88 in the box.
- That's what happened.
- And Paul didn't question that at all? Nobody questioned that you wanted Yeah, because what happened, I put 88, double clicked, and then his face came up on screen and went, "You sure, guv'nor?" "I mean, come on, Lee, "What are you talking about, eh? "I'll go back down, have another go.
" He doesn't get involved in the admin, he looks at the list and delivers the milk.
Fair enough.
When does Paul deliver? Monday, Wednesday, Friday.
What time? Oh, it's quite early, Huw.
So, how many bottles did you say? 80? And he did it silently on the doorstep, you didn't wake up at all? You heard no big clanking going on, back and forth and back and forth to the milk float? No? It was in, he's got, he's a He's a professional.
We call him the ninja milkman.
OK, talk us through the event.
You open the front door, what happens? I saw 88 bottles of milk.
Ah, yeah, and what happened then? What happened? I went, "Love!" Not to him, obviously he's gone.
I said, "Er, darling," cos I don't say "love", that'd be far too working class and northern, "Darling, heavens above, the milkman's left "what an absolute blaggard.
" How long did it take you to get through this supply, till you got rid of them all, or what did you do then? We didn't get through them all before they'd gone off.
We gave some to the cat.
Actually, I'm lucky because I've got a lion.
OK, we need an answer, so David's team, is Paul Bradley's Mr Potato Head, Josie's carrot counsellor or Lee's mixed-up milkman? I don't understand why you'd have full fat in this day and age.
Think of your heart, flower.
I get semi-skimmed.
I get semi-skimmed.
I get semi-skimmed.
I think everyone gets semi-skimmed.
Everybody gets semi-skimmed.
Semi-skimmed? Yes.
I think it's Bradley.
LAUGHTER No, I think you might be right.
- It was so bad.
- Yeah.
Yeah, it was so bad.
It's got to be right.
Bradley's technique to basically collapse in front of us meant we didn't really get any information either way out of him.
He's just And he has, he has a whiff of a thief about him as well, doesn't he? LAUGHTER Yeah, yeah.
OK, so, Paul, would you please reveal your true identity.
I'm Paul and Bradley used to steal potatoes for me.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much, Paul.
Thank you very much.
APPLAUSE Which brings us to our final round, Quick-fire Lies and we start with Lee.
I can tell if someone drinks mainly tea or coffee just by listening to their stomach.
Right, David's team, what do you think? How? How? Yeah, how? Well, there's a certain rumble to your coffee drinker.
Oh, come on.
It's the slightest thing that only someone with a sensitive ear like mine would hear.
Can you reproduce the rumble yourself? - What did you say? - Can you reproduce the LAUGHTER The eyebrow's gone up.
Oh, sorry, Huw, what was the question? I said, can you reproduce the rumble in some kind of form, give us a sense of whether it's resonant or a bit of a squeaky rumble, what kind of rumble is it? I would say that the drinkers of coffee have a rumble that I can only describe as, imagine a small fish passing wind LAUGHTER .
but you've got a stethoscope to the glass.
It's just, it's the mildest of rumbles and as I say, only a trained ear would hear.
Whereas the tea drinker's rumble? Much I mean, for hardly ever, hardly ever.
I mean it's to do with the What, they rumble less, tea drinkers? The tea drinkers have less of a rumble than the coffee drinkers.
Cos I'm a tea drinker and I rumble loads.
Good job you don't drink coffee, you'd be all over the place.
Really? But surely they're both the same amount of liquid, so I don't understand why a difference.
- Well, I'm glad you asked me that, Sarah.
Finally, a sensible question.
- You're welcome.
It's to do, apparently, with It's not the actual and I genuinely don't know what it is, but it's to do with something that's in coffee.
I believe you.
It's something that's in coffee that's not in tea.
And it isn't coffee.
It's my party trick, so I'll say, "Do you want tea or coffee?" Then I go, "In fact, don't tell me," and I'll get down on my knee, I'll lean in like that and er, I'll go, "I'm guessing coffee.
" Could you do that to Bradley or Josie and say which they prefer? Why don't I do it to you, David, cos I think that's what you want.
Finally, some physical contact between us.
I know.
Let's just get this out of the way.
I'm desperate to get your ear on my bare skin, but no, do it to, to, do it to, to Josie.
No, I want to do it to you.
It's a "will they, won't they" panel game and finally it comes to this.
I could do it to everybody.
Are you going to do us all? Bovril.
Breathe in.
LAUGHTER There's a definite rumble there, you're a tea drinker.
I thought you said coffee drinkers rumble more.
There's a rumble but it's not the rumble It's the mild rumble.
Yeah? LAUGHTER LAUGHTER That was lovely.
That was really lovely.
Oh, yeah, yes.
Do you know what, I can't make my mind up, I'll have to check again.
LAUGHTER Got a very warm ear.
It's tea.
Now, I have a different system for the ladies.
LAUGHTER - Do you mind if I - Not at all.
- .
press my ear to this.
I'll lift them up so you can get in.
Do you promise you'll keep them up till I'm away? No, I'm going to thunk them on your head.
Don't put them on top.
I don't want to be forced to the ground.
I'm going to put them on your head.
Dunk! LAUGHTER Yeah, see, you're an interesting one because you've got a bit of both, so it's almost as if there's, it's like you don't drink tea or coffee, - I'm getting from you.
- OK.
I'm getting you don't drink tea or coffee, I'm getting you drink tea, I'm getting you drink tea, so that's what I would say, so you now know whether it's true or a lie.
Now, what we need to know is did he get those right? There's no sense on what these rumbles actually sound like.
I need to sort of get a sound.
OK, I'll try and do the sound.
David as a tea drinker was the mild rumble, a sort of HE MAKES A QUIET TICKING SOUND LAUGHTER HE MAKES A TICKING SOUND HE MAKES A POPPING SOUND LAUGHTER So, David, are you a tea drinker? Is he right? I am a tea drinker, but I No way! How did I do it? Can you confirm to the audience that we've never met.
I think Lee probably got it by listening to the rumbles of my stomach, or he might have got it from my saying I'm a tea drinker several moments beforehand, one or the other.
It could have been that, you never know with this kind of weird thing.
What about you, Huw? I'm not saying UHU, what about, what about you, Huw? It's a very complex picture with me, and you know, it's tea and coffee.
No, but it's mainly tea.
- It depends on the time of day.
- It's mainly tea with you, don't lie to me, Huw.
Have you had a coffee? Have you had tea this evening, Huw, or coffee? What have you had? Be honest.
I've had a tea.
Well, there you are, you see.
He knows what he's doing.
Brilliant, even the audience are clapping now, I'm loving this.
Now, with me you said it was either one or the other.
No, I said you're not really a big tea or coffee drinker but occasionally you'll have a tea.
I drink a lot of tea.
No, you don't.
- To be fair, I've got - LAUGHTER I've got a lot of underwear on, so that might have spoiled it.
Ah, it doesn't work with underwear.
I didn't say, but it doesn't work with underwear.
- You should have said, I would have taken it off.
- I didn't, yeah, that was a What about the noise of the coffee then? The coffee rumble is a lot more like a HE MAKES A MUTTERING SOUND LAUGHTER HE REPEATS THE SOUND Like that, that's the only way to describe it.
I mean, I can't make the noise of a HE REPEATS THE SOUND Can I suggest that that would be a better party trick? Don't call my, my, my skill a trick, Sarah.
It's a I find it a curse I've had to live with all my life.
LAUGHTER - So what do you think, David? - What do you think, Huw? I'm trained to spot liars in my life.
That's my job.
It's something I can do with a kind of unerring sort of sense of certainty.
Why are we losing then? LAUGHTER It's, it's erm, it's not working tonight.
- Oh, right.
- On this one I just think - it's unlikely, isn't it? And however much fun it was to thwack one of my boobs on his head, erm, I still think it's a lie.
That was just one? LAUGHTER Yes! So what are you saying, David? - We're going to say it's a lie.
- You think it's a lie, OK.
Lee, was that the truth or were you lying? It is in fact true.
No, it's not, it's a lie.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's a lie.
Lee can't tell if someone drinks mainly tea or coffee just by listening to their stomach.
- BUZZER GOES OFF - Oh, that noise signals time is up, - it's the end of the show.
I can reveal that David's team have won by three points to two.
APPLAUSE But it's not just a team game and my individual Liar Of The Week this week is Huw Edwards.
APPLAUSE Yes, Huw Edwards, who's been less genuine than an email from a Nigerian billionaire.