Would I Lie To You? (2007) Episode Scripts

N/A - Emily Maitlis, Jack Whitehall, Jim Carter, Armando Iannucci

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?, the show where it's fine to fib.
On David Mitchell's team tonight, she says she'd rather be known for her journalism than her glamorous dress sense.
Well, I'd rather be known for my comedy than for being a world class lover, but we play the hand we're dealt.
It's Emily Maitlis.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And I'm not saying he went to a posh school, but the kids who had a packed lunch brought it in a hamper.
From Fresh Meat and Hit The Road Jack, Jack Whitehall.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And on Lee Mack's team tonight, he's Carson the butler in Downton Abbey, a show that's meticulous in its attention to historical accuracy, even down to the colour of Lord Grantham's iPad.
It's Jim Carter.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And he's won so many BAFTAs, he's the first man in Britain ever to finish a tin of Brasso.
It's the satirist and broadcaster Armando Iannucci.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And so we begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before, so they've no idea what they'll be faced with, and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Jim, you're first up, so would you please reveal all? Right.
As a method actor, on the set of Downton Abbey I like to remain in character all day and even help serve lunch to the cast and the crew as Carson.
LAUGHTER There we are, David.
What do you think? Right.
My immediate question is, I think on a big set like Downton Abbey with a lot of high profile stars like Maggie Smith, there'd be an insurance issue with unqualified caterers serving lunch.
LAUGHTER Nobody's ever told me there's an insurance issue.
I don't do Maggie, I have to say.
Maggie LAUGHTER Do you bring her her food, then? LAUGHTER I don't serve Maggie her food.
What I do is, I bring the food to the people on the dining bus, rather than go round to individual caravans or changing rooms.
Why do you think that helps your performance? It just helps me stay in character somehow.
I don't like to switch off.
I lose concentration if I switch off, so I just try to stay with it.
It's tricky when you're serving things out of polystyrene, on polystyrene plates, but it just helps me.
I was going to say, if you want to inhabit the mind of the Edwardian or First World War butler and you say, "I am that person, I am that person," then suddenly there's a camera, an HD camera and a boom in front of you, aren't you going to scream, "Witchcraft, witchcraft"? "What is this madness? The aliens are here.
" LAUGHTER No, I wouldn't dream of doing that cos I'm in the bubble, you know, so I don't notice those things.
Do you do it with every role that you play? If you were doing a film about, say, a man that liked wearing women's underwear, you would be committed to wearing women's underwear for the whole shoot? You're the only person who's seen that film, Jack.
LAUGHTER But you're a dresser, obviously, so you would, you would dress all the male members of the cast that you tend to.
I'm a butler, madam.
A dresser?! I mean, there are scenes in which you help Lord Grantham on with his pants.
Yeah, that's when the other valets have disappeared or are in jail or being accused of murder and things like that.
Yeah, which is most weeks! It's only in extremis that I do the cufflinks.
A butler will sometimes do that, I can vouch for that.
LAUGHTER I think the problem with you, Jim, is you've got such a lovely voice, everybody's happy just sat there, just sat there like this.
Yeah, you flounder in such an authoritative way.
Viewers will be pleased to know that Jim's answer is now available as an audio book.
LAUGHTER That method acting thing, though, is true.
I met someone recently that was in Hollyoaks, and they were really stupid in real life as well.
LAUGHTER They do, they do it all the time.
I knew someone in Hollyoaks, and his granny used to watch every episode and he said, "Granny, you really please don't.
" So what he did was, if it was his last scene of the episode, he'd go like that, and that was, Granny could switch off then, cos she knew he wasn't in it any more.
So what do you think, David? I don't think it's true.
I think it's the sort of thing people make up about actors, and I think in this instance it'd be very impractical on a long, busy filming day You'd spill things, wouldn't you? You'd spill things on your suit.
The last thing Jim would want to do is serve other people food.
Well, I think it's very feasible that an actor would do that method thing, but I think Jim, having heard him and met him, he's such a cool cat, I imagine he's the kind of guy, rocks up on set, gets handed the script, quick skim-read and then in the words of Snoop Dogg, just drops it like it's hot.
LAUGHTER I think he means it's a lie.
Do you know, thanks to you, we're reaching a whole different demographic.
LAUGHTER So, they think it's a lie.
Jim, truth or lie? I do drop it like it's hot, because it is a lie.
APPLAUSE Yes, it was a big, fat lie.
Jim doesn't remain in character all day at Downton Abbey.
Jack, you're next.
I once hid a girl in my bed whilst my entire family came into the bedroom to have a conversation with me.
Now, how old were you? I waser, 18.
And, bit of a nervy question - how old was she? she was of age.
- Of age? - Yeah.
That could be - 44! - .
65 No, she was just of a normal age.
What do you mean, a normal age? That's a bit ageist, isn't it? - For an 18-year-old boy.
- Are you saying that Rob's abnormal? Well, yeah, if Rob was in my bed it would be a bit weird, but I tell you what, a lot easier to hide him.
Just pop him in a pillow case, throw him over your shoulder, off you go.
LAUGHTER So, you'd had a lovely tender time with this young lady, the next morning arrived, the start of a whole new dawn.
And she was secreted, hidden, under the duvet.
My dad comes in Knock, knock, knock.
- .
and I say, get under there.
- Under there.
And what did your dad say? "No chance"? LAUGHTER I thought, I don't want to have to have an awkward moment with my dad introducing him to this girl, so I said, "Why don't you just hide under there?" Was she a very thin girl? Because I would have thought you would have seen a body under a duvet.
You see, you don't understand the kind of toggage that I'm rocking back at home.
It was a very thick duvet, like, yeah, plenty of - Was it winter? - Yeah, it was winter, but I get very cold at night.
There's nothing worse than a heavy tog in the summer.
I hate it.
I have two duvets within the thing and I take them out.
So do I, so do I, I take one away for the summer.
- Yeah.
- Stick it back on for the winter.
- It's a lovely way of doing it, if any of you are unsure.
- It's so good.
God, is it always this boring, this show? LAUGHTER I'm just going to cut to the chase here.
You two watch him very carefully while I ask this question.
What was her name? Yeah, well, that's no LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I can't, I can't say on TV.
- Oh, very good.
- Why? - I want to protect her modesty.
But did the whole family come into your bedroom often? - As I did that morning.
- Did they say, "Morning!"? My dad will always come into my room and he always brings in the Telegraph and reads to me little extracts that he's found.
And your mum's behind him and your brother and sister, "Oh, can we listen?" What happened this one morning was that my dad had received a round robin, so he came in to read me this letter.
I said, hide under the duvet, then my mum came in with a cup of tea, and my dad was reading this letter so he was like, "Oh, Molly, Barnaby, why don't you come in as well?" Sounds like a rough family.
LAUGHTER So, they were all round the bed and she was sort of hidden under there.
It was quite a long letter as well, - so I had to keep sort of giving her a bit of air.
- And then You were doing that, were you? Is it a single bed or a double bed? It's one of those ones that's like a small double bed.
They're called single beds.
Single bed.
It was, yeah.
It wasn't Is this the first time that had happened? Had you never been in that situation before or? I'd brought a girl back before but I'd been very careful to sort of sneak her out in the morning, I'd like distracted my dad and then you just go, go, go.
So that was the plan? You were going to sneak her out without anyone noticing.
Through the laundry chute? I don't know what a laundry chute is, the butler normally just takes it from the room.
That's true.
No, but I was planning on sort of sneaking out and not having to deal with this situation and at the end, she was under there for too long.
I had to let her out.
Not let her out, that sounded like She wanted to be there initially.
The only way you can conceal someone lying under a duvet is to lie on top of them in exactly the same body shape that they are, really.
Well, I was sort of I'm like, it's sort of over her What the hell are you doing? No, no, just so I could, you know, I had a bit of my body on her.
I don't like humans touching me.
- LAUGHTER - A bit of OK, so what do you think, Lee? - I think - well, sorry, Jim, what do you? - True.
You think it's true.
I'm borderline true.
Yeah, true.
Borderline true.
Go on, then, we'll go with true.
You're saying true.
OK, Jack Whitehall, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie? - It is a true.
- Scandalous.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's true.
Jack did once hide a girl in his bed whilst his family came into the bedroom to have a conversation with him.
Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest, and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's special guest, Benjie.
APPLAUSE So, Emily, what is Benjie to you? This is Benjie.
He's helping me to fulfil my recurring dream, which is to do the splits.
LAUGHTER Jack, how do you know Benjie? This is Benjie and last year he hypnotised me and a friend so that we could watch the Harry Potter films as though we'd never seen them before.
LAUGHTER And finally, David.
Your relationship with Benjie? This is my ice cream man, Benjie.
LAUGHTER Oh, it's not, is it, David? It really isn't.
This, as I say, this is my ice cream man, Benjie, and he calls me Two Flakes, because LAUGHTER Go on.
because he always gives me two flakes in my 99.
There we are.
Lee, where do you want to start? Well, I'm going to start with Emily, I want to establish exactly what we're talking about here.
Is it a reoccurring dream you have and want to get rid of the dream, so he's helping you somehow with that dream, or it's a lifelong dream to do the splits? It's a recurring dream and he's helping me to get flexible enough.
You need to be, don't you, for the splits? - So it's not to do with your mind, it's to do with your body.
- No, no.
He's trying to help you achieve your goal of DOING the splits.
Yes, that's right.
What angle have you got to so far? LAUGHTER Ermum, what, right leg or left leg? LAUGHTER To produce an angle you need both legs.
Trust me, that's my chat-up line.
LAUGHTER If it was the box splits The box splits.
which is where you're - ta-da! Like, facing forwards.
- Yeah.
- Not at all.
- No.
If it's that way - Yeah.
- Not bad.
- All right.
That waycould do better.
So your best one is your right leg forward and your left leg back? Yeah, left leg, I think.
Well, let's make it easy for you.
Do that one.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'm not very I can't, but no, the point is What? What is the point? The point is, it's a recurring dream.
It's really weird.
I have a recurring dream with you doing the splits in it as well.
LAUGHTER I have one that I'm a piece of cheese and a Womble's chasing me.
I don't wake up and go to the nearest man and go, "Could you dress as a Womble? "I'll dress as a piece of cheese and you chase me.
" You don't then try and do it.
Maybe you should.
There are different sorts of dreams though, aren't there? There are dreams you want to come true You're not going to break into song again, are you, David? LAUGHTER So what's he teaching you to do? Is it Pilates? Yeah, it's Pilates.
Don't give her multiple choice! Have you had enough now of Emily? Do you want to move on? - Never have enough of Emily.
- All right.
David, can I ask you a very mundane question? How much does Benjie charge you for a double flake 99? He charges me £1.
How much to the regular customer is a double flake ice cream? A double flake ice cream is not available to the regular customer.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What went through your mind when Presumably there was a time when he said, "I'm not going to give you just one, I'm going to give you two.
" Basically my thoughts were a mixture of pleasure and embarrassment.
Like in so many scenarios in my life.
How often is Benjie in your area? I mean, how many times a week does he service your street? Benjie's ice cream van is often parked at a certain place where I am often passing.
Where? By Queen's Park in north-west London.
Why are you regularly passing there? Because I often walk that way from my flat to the BBC.
Who effected the introduction, David? Who proffered the name Benjie, I mean? Well, I Benjie proffered his own name.
Did he? In what circumstances? Benjie recognised me Oooh! .
in my capacity as someone who has been on television.
Oooh! And When were you on television? LAUGHTER Is it sad when summer's over? Do you know when it's the last time you and Benjie will be - No, I think - .
together for another year? I think, thankfully, it's never quite clear which time will be the last time.
LAUGHTER I think in a weird way, we're both better off for not knowing.
So, just to be clear, Benjie offered you two flakes once because he's a big fan of your estimable body of work, and That sentence wouldn't work without "of work" at the end, would it? LAUGHTER And then gave you the name.
You didn't say, "Oh, look at me, I'm David Two Flakes".
You didn't do that.
He gave you the name.
No-one knows, Rob, better than you how desperately keen I am to develop some sort of catchphrase LAUGHTER but in this scenario, I It wasn't me, no.
And I think, actually, it wasn't the first time.
I wasn't given the name Two Flakes by Benjie the first time.
Well, of course not.
That would be madness.
Probably the second or third.
Fourth or fifth, surely.
You'd need a pattern to have developed.
Some sort of pattern had developed.
Has he ever offered to put anything else on your cone? LAUGHTER No, no.
OK, let's move on to Jack.
Jack, remind us again of your connection.
Benjie hypnotised me and a friend so that we could watch the Harry Potter films like we'd never seen them before.
So you've obviously seen what, you've seen them all? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm a massive Pothead.
LAUGHTER And, and you were so desperate to watch them again that you got what, I mean he's obviously a professional hypnotist or a friend who can do it.
Well, basically, last year when Deathly Hallows Part 2 came out and it was the end, it was really sad, and I was going through quite a bad time and I was also trying to give up smoking, and Benjie was actually helping me with doing that and we were talking about that and, and I said, what else have you done? You know, hypnotised other people to do other things? He said, yeah, well, he'd done it to someone that had watched Star Wars and enjoy that experience.
I was like, "That sounds amazing.
Could you do that for me "and some friends to watch Harry Potter?" I think, after this show, people will want to use his services.
LAUGHTER When he's hypnotising you, what happens? He puts you into a transient state.
How? Is he dressed as a wizard? LAUGHTER How does he get you into a transient state? What does he do? - He talks to you, he relaxes you.
- What does he say? - Well, I can't remember.
I was in a transient state.
- He's good, isn't he? What's it going to be, Lee? Who do you think it is? I don't know.
It's either It's either Two Flakes or two legs, definitely.
Not Harry Potter, then? I don't "Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus.
" LAUGHTER Yeah Oh! Couple of Potheads in.
- That is, of course, the Hogwarts school motto.
- Right.
"Never tickle a sleeping dragon.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I tell you what, that's a good memory, considering you've technically only seen it once.
LAUGHTER Right, we need an answer.
Lee's team.
Is Benjie Emily's splits teacher, Jack's mind-wiping hypnotist, or David's flaky friend? What are you going to say? Oh, this is tough, because they're all so not true.
We'll go for the most ridiculous answer.
We'll go for Jack.
You're going for Jack.
You're saying it's Jack.
It's the hypnotist, it's the Harry Pot OK.
- So, Benjie - Emily, change it to Emily.
- Changing to Emily.
- It's Emily.
- What are you saying? You're saying it's Emily, it's the splits.
Jack, we'll go for Jack.
Will we go for Jack? LAUGHTER I tell you what, we'll just tell you! It doesn't matter! APPLAUSE What are you saying? - We'll go for Jack.
- Jack.
Saying Jack.
Benjie, would you please reveal your true identity? I'm Benjie and I've been helping Emily achieve her dream - of doing the splits.
- Ohhh! Wow, wow.
And the obvious next question is, - would you be willing to give us a quick splits? - Of course.
Whoa! APPLAUSE - Thank you very much, Benjie.
- Thank you.
Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies.
We start with .
Last year I was forced to abandon the purchase of a new armchair mid-transaction, because the shop assistant used the terms "well jel" and "amazeballs".
I What does "well jel" and "amazeballs" actually mean? I don't know.
I wasn't asking you.
Jack? LAUGHTER - Amazeballs.
- I've never heard Have you heard? - Does "amazeballs" mean good? - Yeah.
- "Amazeballs" means good and "well jel" is from TOWIE.
- From what? - From what? - Oh, shut up! You must know what I'm talking about.
- You mean The Only Way Is Essex.
What does "well jel" mean? - Jealous! So he's selling you an armchair.
What shop are you in, first of all? It's a place on the Kilburn High Road.
I don't know the name of it.
- That's fine, that's vague enough.
- Good.
- OK.
It's like a sort of second-hand furniture, junk, kind of place.
Things aren't going well, David, of course you're going down Kilburn High Street to buy a second-hand chair.
So he's trying to sell you the chair No, I'm trying to buy the chair.
You're trying to buy it? Yeah.
In what context does he say you're "well jel"? He was talking on his mobile.
- But how did? - To who? - I don't know.
- But are you saying that you abandoned the transaction because you were put off by his? I was put offI mean, by the poor customer service, by not really understanding a lot of what he was saying Was "amazeballs" part of the transaction with you? It sounds so wrong coming out of your mouth! What sort of chair was it? A Chesterfield? A low-back chair? Is there a Chesterfield chair? I thought that was a sofa.
No! Well done.
I was testing you.
Oh, good.
The armchair round I've been hoping for! LAUGHTER So what are you going to say, Lee? Is he telling the truth? What do we think? I think I think this has got the ring of truth about it.
He wouldn't be able to cope with a conversation with "OMG" and "amazeballs" and "well jel" in it.
- I think it would physically upset him.
- Physically upset him.
But did you leave specifically cos he said "amazeballs"? Was that the problem and you just thought, "I've had enough"? It was the fact he was talking on the phone, saying things I didn't understand.
The fact that I was just in general stressed at talking to someone I hadn't been formally introduced to.
LAUGHTER So what's it going to be? - You're saying a lie, you're saying true.
- True.
I'm going to say LAUGHTER .
You're saying it's a lie.
David, is it the truth or is it a lie? It is a lie.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's a lie.
Last year, David didn't abandon the purchase of a new armchair because the shop assistant used the terms "well jel" and "amazeballs".
- It's Armando.
- Oh.
I once had to abandon my car in a safari park after a baboon climbed through the sunroof, lay down on the back seat and fell asleep.
LAUGHTER OK, so where in the safari park is the car? In the lion enclosure(!) LAUGHTER Wherewhere in the safari park is the car? - It's - Where do you think it is?! In the baboon area! Are you answering for that team? It could have been in the car park Well, it's such a stupid question! In the car park?! What would the baboon be doing in the car park? - The baboon - Yes? .
may have escaped! But you can assume it wasn't the car park.
I'm not saying the answer "the baboon enclosure" would have amazed me But do you wonder, perhaps I didn't expect to have to defend myself to this extent with that question! Well, it was a stupid question! Where do you think he was, the gift shop?! Well if it if it's a stupid question, cut it out in the edit! No, it'll be left in to show you Where?! .
what a charlatan you are! Where in the safari park was your car? The baboon area! Thank you.
As I suspected.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE All right, so anyway, back to where we were now.
You Where were we? In the baboon area! LAUGHTER So, why was the sunroof open? - It wasn't, it wasn't.
- Let me mime it for you.
Why was the sunroof open? Is that how you think sunroofs work nowadays? < EMILY: When was the last time you had a car? Why don't we all open our sunroof? Let's get the audience opening their sunroof as well.
Come on, let's all open our sunroof together.
Emily, open your sunroof, girl.
I'm sorry, it's still a bit hot in here.
Shall we open the windows? LAUGHTER I Baboon! You know, quite genuinely, I can't drive a car.
In my childhood we had a sunroof, you opened it like that.
Now you open them like this.
LAUGHTER Rob puts his hand up and says to the chauffeur, "Can you open the sunroof?" Anyway, why was the sunroof open? Well, we didn't realise it was open.
- Right.
- That's what we did in our car.
You're as bad as each other, you two, aren't you? Sunroof isn't there, is it? You've just opened the boot and let the baboon in.
So you're in there, you didn't know that the sunroof was open.
- No.
- What happened next? - It was a hot day Hot day, of course.
and the air conditioning wasn't very good, and we had young kids in the back, and And an extra one suddenly! LAUGHTER We had had the sunroof open, we thought we'd shut it, and it turned out later it was still open by about that much.
So the sunroof's open that amount.
- You're driving slowly - Slowly.
- .
slowly through the baboon enclosure.
- Yes.
The kids are in the back.
And you didn't SEE the baboon? So this is a stealth baboon? LAUGHTER - What alerted you to its presence? - As we were leaving - the baboon area Where were you going? We were going to the giraffe area, and you can actually get out and feed the giraffes.
- Right.
- But my wife, who was driving, just suddenly looked in the mirror and said, "Arm" I'm known as Arm at home.
- Arm? - Arm.
- Oh, of course, yeah.
I thought you meant cos she had no arms.
Sorry, go on.
She wouldn't have been driving, would she? "It's a baboon! "Can't you see I'm driving?" She wouldn't be able to open the sunroof either.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "You deal with it, Arm! Bloody Arm.
" "Arm, what's that!" And I turned round and saw a sleeping baboon.
And your kids are in the back as well.
How many children? How did they not notice? It was a sixseven-seater.
- They always want to go right at the back.
- Ah, so there was - a whole middle tier for baboons.
- For baboons.
Your kids didn't notice a baboon crawling in? - Of course they noticed! - But they didn't say anything.
- They were loving it! They're saying, "Don't tell them! They'll hate the baboon.
"For some reason, they're against wild animals in the car!" If you're four and two and an animal gets in your car and sits and sleeps in front of you They're getting the big purple backside.
This, for them They're at the back.
They're going, "This 3D film's brilliant!" LAUGHTER And, how did this all resolve itself? Well, fortunately, the next enclosure was the giraffe enclosure and you can get out and there were people there.
- And the giraffe ate the baboon.
- Giraffes and zebras.
LAUGHTER - One of the warders - Yes.
Jim's giving us a lovely giraffe.
So one of the warders came and what, did they shoo it out? Both doors opened, they slid open, and it just scarpered out.
What are you thinking? We need a decision, truth or lie.
What do you say? What do you think, Emily? I think it's true.
Do you have a clue, Jack? - I think it might be true.
It's pretty detailed.
- I think we're going to say true.
- You're going to say true, yeah? - Yeah.
You're going to say true.
Armando, truth or lie? It was all a big lie.
APPLAUSE Of course it's a lie.
Putting a baboon through a sunroof is the brand new gameshow next on ITV2.
BUZZER And that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show, and I can reveal that Lee's team have won by 3 points to 2.
> APPLAUSE And my individual liar of the week this week is Jim Carter.
Honestly, he's so dishonest, he'd steal the shirt off your back.
Then iron it and lay it out on the bed with the rest of your morning suit.
Good night.