Would I Lie To You? (2007) Episode Scripts

N/A - Matt Dawson, Mel Giedroyc, Josh Widdicombe, Dermot O'Leary

Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You?, the show where fibbing is fabulous.
On David Mitchell's team tonight a lady who's the presenter of The Great British Bake Off.
I love the celebrity version where they made a variety of fruit cakes and tarts make some biscuits.
It's Mel Giedroyc.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And a presenter who like me has been in Nicole Scherzinger's house, but unlike me he was invited.
From the X Factor, Dermot O'Leary.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And on Lee Mack's team tonight a man who when he played rugby showed a beautiful left foot and when he danced on Strictly showed two of them.
From A Question Of Sport, Matt Dawson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And the star of The Last Leg, whose looks and personality have proved no obstacle to his success, it's Josh Widdicombe.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And so let's begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before so they've no idea what they'll be faced with and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Josh Widdicombe, you're first up.
Possession.
- Ah OK, there's a box - OK.
.
.
which I think is at the side of your desk, can you see it? Yeah, I've got it.
- Would you read the card first? - Yeah.
Then, bring out the possession.
A-ha! These are my favourite boxer shorts.
Despite the fact they've seen better days we have such a strong bond I still wear them.
- Ah, right.
You're my kind of guy.
- OK, now let's have a look at this possession.
Let's see.
MEL: Oh, hello.
Hello.
Sorry you've gotta show the back bit, that's, that's vile.
What's that? That is No, no, no.
And that's the back bit.
Oh, no.
Do you still wear those, Josh, as pants or are they? Yeah, I don't wear them as a hat.
Josh, how many pants do you have, how many pairs, roughly, would you say? 10 to 12.
So these get used, what, once a fortnight? You've done the maths, yeah.
So there are two days where you don't wear pants.
Is tonight one of those days? I don't know if you wear boxers, I think you might be a, um - A briefs guy.
- Briefs, is that what they're called? - Oh, that is - Hammocks.
- That is, no.
- You're young, you're quite trendy, the hair's forwards which to me says you're quite you know trendy.
Isn't that Don't listen to her, Matt.
Josh, if I was your girlfriend I would want to dust with those, I wouldn't want to see them on you.
Can I ask you something, how long have you had them for? I would have probably got them when I was about 18, so that was 12 years.
- Explain the bond you have with these pants.
- It's nothing personal.
- What have you been through with them? They haven't got any specific memory but I just don't like wastage, really, and they're still perfectly usable.
No, they're not.
The frightening thing is - if they're not Josh's pants - Yeah.
.
.
whose pants are they? Well, Josh, would you help us out here by perhaps just slipping into them so we could get an idea of the fit? Yeah.
Get 'em on, get 'em on, get 'em on! Get 'em on.
AUDIENCE CLAP AND CHAN This is what women chant at me in bed.
- Josh, maybe round here somewhere would be nice.
- Here? - That's going to be a good spot.
- Yeah, I mean, obviously I'll take my shoes off.
You see, look, he doesn't seem au fait with the mapping of them.
It's not that you get familiar with pants and it becomes a second nature.
He's not at ease with those pants.
This is genuinely one of the lowest moments of my life, by the way.
Just so you know.
If I had a penny for every time someone said that on this show.
So, oh my God.
I suppose all you can do now is pray that it's edited sympathetically.
Which in all honestly is unlikely.
Josh, my love, that waistband is a good two inches too big for you.
- Well, if you feel the elastic, Mel - Come on.
Mel, you don't have to touch anything you don't want to.
If you feel the elastic, then it's kind of gone a bit.
I'm going to do something slightly sinister.
I've been dreaming of this since Late Lunch, I'm not going to lie to you.
Look, come closer, love, come closer.
Yep, there's a whole finger.
All right, just take your shoes and please go back to your seat.
I feel like I've been thrown out of a pub, take your shoes and go.
David, it's time to gather your thoughts and ask yourself whether or not Josh is telling the truth.
I think, Mel Yes, my love.
Is You're strongly of the opinion that those are not Josh's pants.
He did not seem at ease when he was touching He was intimidated by the pants.
- He was intimidated.
- Yeah.
- He was.
I agree with you that there's a stylistic clash between Josh and those pants.
I'm not buying it, there's no anecdote, there's no, ah, I kept these when so and so broke up with me.
If he's going to keep a pair of pants that long you've gotta be through some good times and by the looks of it some bad times.
So what are you thinking then? Well, I think we think it's a lie.
- All of you all agreed.
OK.
- Yeah.
Josh Widdicombe, the pants.
Can I just say, either way, I'll give them to Mel so she can dust with them from now on.
- Thank you, thanks darling.
- That's lovely, that's heart warming.
Is it the truth or were you telling a lie? I am ashamed to say it's the truth.
APPLAUSE CHEERING Yes, it's true, they were indeed Josh's favourite boxer shorts which he still wears.
Mel, you're next.
I once had a snog with one of the people here on Would I Lie To You? tonight.
Ohhh! One of ussix? Yeah, six.
Hang on a minute, I'm here as well.
- Yeah, six.
- It could have been me.
- She didn't snog herself, did she? That's true.
That's true.
Oh God, oh my word! I think my poor grasp of mathematics has never been more cruelly exposed.
So one of us six people, you Why am I saying one of the six? I know it wasn't me! One of them five, was it you? It's true.
Oh, no, no, no, I'm Spartacus.
You see I, I genuinely think It's going to be a bit awkward if all six of us have snogged her.
But she can only remember one.
If it's true will the person remember, or was it like a drunken thing or? I don't know if they will remember.
- This is getting awkward, if this is true this could be very awkward.
- I don't know.
So how many years ago? I think it was in 98, so, 15 years ago.
Just a snog? - Yeah.
- Oh, it's going to be David at university, isn't it? Why, did they go to university together? They're both, Cambridge, aren't they? - We did.
- Yes.
And were you in the same But, but LAUGHTER - No, but - The plot thickens.
David (is quite a lot quite a lot younger than me).
- So that might - But were you still hanging around the university? Trying to prey on freshers in Freshers' Week.
What you haven't said yet, Mel, is you haven't really painted a lovely picture for us of the circumstances, where you were, just talk us through that.
It was a works do.
Uh, not me, I've never worked in my life.
It was a works do and everyone had been working very, very hard, it was a long series, and it was the end of term party.
- Stop looking at me, Mel.
- End of series party.
- You're scaring the bloomin' daylights out of me.
- What was the series? - The series.
- It was the England rugby team 2003.
Was it a test series? - Oh, it was a show back in the late 90s.
- Was it Late Lunch? It was called Late Lunch/Light Lunch.
So was the person you kissed a guest on the show or were they a regular on it or? No, we were colleagues.
This is a totally new type of round for this game.
You stop trying to work out whether it's true or not, just who it is.
Who was it? Who was it that you kissed? ROB CLEARS HIS THROA Was it Rob? Please tell me when you kissed him he didn't do that.
Who was it that you kissed? Dermot, it was Dermot.
- Dermot? - It was Dermot.
Wow! This is a weird one now because if it's not true poor Dermot now has got to answer all these questions.
I don't think you're allowed to question other panellists.
No, no, we're in new territory, this has never happened before.
Rob? My proclamation is thus.
You can quiz O'Leary, however he doesn't have to answer unless he so chooses.
Whoa! To be fair, that's true with everyone.
We cannot be legally required to speak.
If you want to make people talk when they don't want to you have to waterboard them.
I'm happy to waterboard him if you want to.
Mel, what was Dermot doing in this show? Dermot was the guy responsible for getting the audience in.
Has Dermot said if he remembers this? Do you remember this? That would scupper my team's chance, I can't answer that.
Yeah, that's handy, you mean no.
- So you were working on.
- I was working the Light Lunch.
- What was your position? I was a sort of audience researcher so Well that's handy, just what she's just said yeah.
In 1998 were you in a relationship or is it OK to push you on this? I'm not sure.
You said at the time, Dermot, that you weren't in a relationship.
Ah well, he can't have been then.
So what are you going to say then, Lee? What are you thinking? Ah, it's an interesting one this, isn't it? I think It feels like - Plausible.
- Do you think? - I think it's plausible.
- It is plausible.
It's definitely plausible.
I just think O'Leary's been too kind of reticent on the details and the facts.
But it could be awkward cos he doesn't remember, or he remembers very well and he's trying to play for his team.
- A gentleman doesn't tell.
- I think it's a lie.
You think it's a lie.
Based on O'Leary.
Matt, what are, what are you thinking on this? I'm not, I'm not sure, I don't think the dates fit.
Lie.
We'll go with lie then.
You're saying it's a lie.
- I think it might be true but I'll go with my team and say lie.
- OK.
Mel, it was a wonderful wonderful tale, was it true or were you telling a lie? Rob, gents, Dermot, I was telling - the truth.
- Ohhh! Dermot, everything that Mel said was true.
100% bona fide.
Yes, it's true, Mel did have a snog with Dermot O'Leary.
Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
Now this week each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth, so please welcome this week's special guest, Shaylene.
APPLAUSE So, we will begin with Dermot.
Dermot, what is Shaylene to you? This is Shaylene and I asked Shaylene out 156 times.
Mel, how do you know Shaylene? This is Shaylene.
When we were kids I cut her hair to plump up the stuffing in my teddy bear.
There we are, finally David Mitchell.
I want that to be true, I want that Yeah, that's amazing.
How do you know Shaylene, David? This is Shaylene.
She is the swimming pool lifeguard who talked me into letting go of the diving board I was clinging to after I panicked mid boing.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So, there we have it, is it Dermot's romance rejecter, Mel's teddy stuffing supplier, or David's diving board saviour? Lee, where do you want to start? Wow where we start that one? Dermot When was this? I'd have been probably 14 and Shaylene was a year younger than me.
- How did you do it, was it all face to face? - Yep.
As, as opposed to what? - We, we went to um - Or text? He was 14.
Oh sorry, yeah of, course.
Do you know, before, it was all different.
In the old days what we used to do is just press our faces against the bathroom window and shout.
Dermot, just to be clear, how many times did you ask her out? In, like, how many sittings? Probably over the course of about 18 months.
18 months.
- Why did you count them? - Yeah.
Because It takes 156 times for him to know she's not interested.
After a while it became, I suppose, it became like almost like a right of passage.
Shaylene lived in a different village to the village I grew up in.
Which village was this? I grew up in a village called Marks Tey and Shaylene lived in Great Tey.
And where was this.
Mordor? And Shaylene went to same youth club as me.
Youth club.
It's getting more rock and roll this story.
Shaylene was the only girl in the village who had black hair and er Have you looked to your left? At least Mel is realistic.
She had black, jet black hair all in, kind of, a lovely sort of 80s Madonna style quiff.
- The first time she said no, how long did you leave it till the second time? - The next week.
- So it's every week you were doing it? - Yeah.
- Every week, 156 weeks, 18 months, that adds up.
- Sometimes twice a week.
- Rob's thinking it does, but it doesn't.
Sometimes twice a week, sometimes twice in the same night, oh, go on, go out with me.
So when it got to a hundred did you not think, probably not going to happen? Thought I'm still in, keep batting.
Lee, who else would you like to quiz? Who shall we go with next? Mel.
OK.
How old were you? When the hair cutting happened? - Yes, obviously I don't mean - Oh, sorry.
- .
.
how old were you, er, on your 12th birthday? So, Shaylene's older sister Charlotte is a good friend of mine.
Shaylene and Charlotte.
Yes, Shaylene and Charlotte.
Who was her dad, Sh, Sh, Sean Connery? Shaylene and Charlotte came over to ours to do a sleepover.
We had a bunk bed, and I wanted her to sleep on the top bunk.
This is the bit, you see.
Because we had a game in our house whereby if you slept on the top bunk you had to drape your hair over the side of the bunk.
Like Rapunzel.
Tell you what, Dermot, I'm glad you didn't go back to hers now.
He'd have said, no, my hair's too short.
She went, don't worry, use something else.
Go on.
I had a secret plan with Shaylene.
I wanted her to fall asleep on the top bunk so that I could cut her beautiful hair.
I didn't cut that much.
Right, how much did you cut? - About two inches.
- That's a lot of hair.
- So having cut this hair off - Yes? - .
.
what did you do with it? So I had this lovely beloved teddy bear Patch.
And, er, had a bit of a hole in it.
What? I remember exactly where.
- Where? - Shoulder down to mid arm.
How did the hole start, did you make the hole? Just love, just love.
Is that what you call love? Ripping off a man's arm.
Dermot.
Lee, what about David? David.
Remind us again of this utter truth.
Um, Shaylene is the swimming pool lifeguard who talked me down when I was clasping on to a diving board in.
Were you actually hanging off it? Yeah, I had my arms round it like that and it was at head height.
But how did you get to that position? I was considering jumping off the diving board and I remained indecisive too long in the process.
Right.
At the last minute you went but panicked and stopped.
Exactly.
And of course And I sort of Cos you weren't .
.
slid off it and grabbed it and was left there dangling.
And had you gone to the pool specifically to dive or had you gone with a bunch of mates and you were larking around, bombing, heavy petting, all the things that we're not supposed to do but if I know you, the rebel that you are, you would have been doing them.
It was one of my regular late night music parties in the municipal baths.
How old were you? It was recently, it was How recently? It was just about an hour ago.
No, it was, it was last autumn.
I'd have thought if David Mitchell had been hanging off a diving board, someone would have taken a photo and tweeted that, wouldn't they? I don't think you're allowed to have mobile phones in swimming pools.
Come the advent of the aqua phone my water sports days are over.
Have you ever dived in off a diving board head first at that point? No, and I certainly wasn't planning on doing this head first.
Oh you were going to go feet first.
Absolutely.
And so you'd jumped you I was thinking of this programme and I thought, well I can lose up to about there, it'll be fine.
You know, they could prop the remnant on a bar stool and I can still do the job.
So I thought I'll go in with the non-panel show end first.
As you've leapt off, at that point you think, I'm going in, change your mind, spin in the air, grab the board and land and just do that, because I think that's a 10.
I'm giving a 10 for that.
It was, the moment of indecision changed That made you stumble.
Changed how I I mean I, I can't entirely Did you It's bizarre considering it happened to me, I can't entirely visualise it.
So, er, what are you thinking Lee? I want to know exactly how Shaylene talked down David.
She said, "Are you all right?" Which you know wasn't the best question in the world but er She's clearly trained.
Yes.
What did you say? I think I said something like, "Oh, yes, sorry, I slipped.
" Sorry I slipped?! One minute you're panicking and then, "Oh, sorry, I slipped, forgive me.
" Even in near death situations you're middle class.
"Sorry, I appear to have slipped, my dear.
" I didn't say "Could you fetch my cravat? It appears to have wafted away.
! I didn't say sorry I slipped in a suave tone of voice, Lee, but I did say sorry, because it's very deeply ingrained in me to apologise at almost any occasion.
How did you say it then, if you didn't say it in a suave way? "Sorry, I slipped! Sorry I slipped!" Like that.
You were quite panicked.
I was quite panicked.
What happened then, what did she say? She said, "It's all right, stay calm," "Too late!" I screamed.
Where is she? Is she on the floor or is she on up top? She has got on the diving board.
What, she's up there with you? She's giving it a little wobble.
She's not got to the boingy end, she's just "Do you mind if I have a little skip whilst we're doing this?" It was only after a few minutes had passed that she threatened to boing me off.
Wow! I'll tell you what, these municipal swimming pools.
Do you know what, I would say that constitutes heavy petting.
So you were hanging on for a few minutes? No not really, for a few I think for about 4 or 5 minutes.
4 or 5? Oh, the eagle-eyed lifeguard(!) She just "Oh, I wish I could use me whistle.
" How did she make you go from, I don't want to let go, to letting go, what kind of words did she use? "It's OK just drop in, you know, I promise you won't hit the bottom.
" Just drop in? I'm around three o'clock till six on Thursday.
Do you have Earl Grey ice cream? Feel free to drop in any time you like.
Go on, yes.
So you were hanging on but what did she say to make you let go? Um, I think "It's fine, you won't hurt yourself", she said, "This happens a lot.
" "If you'd come in here half an hour earlier there'd be three of you "Only just cleared the last backlog.
" OK, so Lee, we need an answer.
Is Shaylene Dermot's romance rejecter, Mel's teddy stuffing supplier, or David's diving board saviour? What do you think? Davidhas no to hang onto something for four or five minutes.
- That's a long - That is.
- That's a long time to hang on.
- Long time.
- You couldn't hang on that long.
Dermot said she had black hair.
That's a lot, isn't it? It's a lot and it's a very specific number.
- It's too precise.
- I think Mel.
It's got to be Mel.
You think Mel? - Mel had emotion and feeling.
- Mel.
- I would go Mel.
- I'll go with the team and say Mel.
You're all in agreement.
OK.
Shaylene, please reveal your true identity.
Hi, I'm Shaylene and Dermot asked me out 156 times.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you, Shaylene, thank you very much.
Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies, in which our panellists lie not only through their teeth but against the clock.
We start with BUZZER It's Lee.
At school I was given the nickname The Charmer because I was the only one who could console the school snake whenever it got agitated.
LAUGHTER David and team.
So, what type of snake was the school snake? Er it was, er do you know what? I genuinely can't remember what type of snake it was it was.
- I could describe it.
Go on.
- Go on.
Er, legless? Er, it was, yes, it was, it was about so big.
- What was it called? - Er it was called, I think it was called Sammy.
You remember its name but not its species.
Well I'm like that with women.
Grass snake rings a bell.
I think.
Why did your school go for a snake, as opposed to a mouse or some such Oh, it had a mouse as well but it was in there with the snake.
What was in the tank other than the snake.
Well, it was open plan, there was an area in the corner where he used to sleep, we used to call it the bedding area.
What was there? What was there? Never mind what he used to do there.
Just like an ordinary bed but just a lot longer.
A bed was there.
A lot longer and a lot thinner.
Very long and thin, extremely hard to tuck in at night.
By the time you'd done one side and gone round the other side, this side had come up again.
You'd be there forever.
It was awful.
Very long thin.
Very long thin bed.
Mattress.
Very long thin mattress.
This wasn't one of those snakes that likes to sleep curled up.
No, no, no.
It likes to stretch out on it.
Right out like that.
Why did the snake need charming? Was it a particularly aggressive snake or.
.
? It was, it used to do this little thing where it used to raise its head up and sort of shake its head like that, left to right.
And I said to the teacher, "What's that? What's he doing that for?" Oh, so you were taught in the same room as the snake? We went to different lessons but in one of the classrooms there was.
This was during snake studies or Well that's what the PE teacher called it.
So I said, as well as the other kids, we'd say, "What does it do that for? and the teacher said, "That is a sign that the snake is getting agitated".
And I said, "I bet I can stop that" and I lifted off the thing and I just went like that, and I stroked the back of its head as a joke and it stopped.
- So you can't demonstrate it on a snake, but you - No, I can't.
But Matt is there, I mean, what if Matt What if Matt were to be a little agitated, I wonder if employing the same methods you could calm Matt? - Well - Matt could you be a little agitated? Matt, if you could be a snake now if you put your head down here, - yeah, put, put your head further down.
- I'll put it - Put your head here, cos the head starts off down right.
- Right.
- Now get into character.
From a certain angle this looks really dodgy.
It looks like I'm just about to go bowling.
So you're looking down, right, and you're the snake, and now suddenly you're a snake, you're agitated.
That is an agitated snake.
You're all worried, aren't you? Don't worry, I'll sort this out.
Now I'm going to use my hand, cos in proportion to the head that's a finger, yeah.
Then I stroke the back of the head like this, and watch him, watch the snake calm.
Go down.
Down.
APPLAUSE So what do you think then, David? Lee claims that his teacher called him The Charmer, and that's the nickname that stayed with him.
I'd have got murdered at my school if my teacher would have said, "You, you're the charmer" that's it.
There's so much of that that I've got a problem with, that thing, the fact it was a grass snake.
Time for a decision, right now.
I think we think it's a lie.
- You think it's a lie.
- Lie.
Lee, The Snake Charmer, were you telling the truth? Mel's not sure now.
Well actually, ha, ha, ha, it was a lie.
APPLAUSE Yes, it was a lie.
Lee wasn't nicknamed The Charmer at school because he was the only one who could calm the school snake.
BUZZER And that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show.
I can reveal that David's team has triumphed by three points to one.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE But of course, it's not just a team game and my individual liar of the week this week, is Mel Giedroyc.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes, yes, Mel Giedroyc, like Mary Berry, in the Great British Bake Off.
I'm trying to smile but I've got a very bitter taste in my mouth.
Good night.