Would I Lie To You? (2007) Episode Scripts

N/A - Sarah Millican, Jon Richardson, David Harewood, Bob Mortimer

Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You, the show where lies win the prize.
On David Mitchell's team tonight, a comedienne recently voted one of the 100 most powerful women in Britain.
Yes, not only is she hilarious, she can also toss a caber and drag a tractor using just her teeth.
It's Sarah Millican.
APPLAUSE And a comedian who is famous for his compulsive obsessive disorder, and yes, I said that the wrong way round on purpose just to unnerve him.
It's Jon Richardson.
APPLAUSE And on Lee Mack's team tonight, he's the comedy legend that gave us the anarchic Shooting Stars.
We're no strangers to anarchy here - David Mitchell's not even wearing a tie tonight.
It's Bob Mortimer.
APPLAUSE And he's the Homeland star who left Birmingham to go to Hollywood, but says one day he wants to return.
He IS a good actor! It's David Harewood.
APPLAUSE And so we begin with round one, Home Truths, where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them, and to make things harder, they've never seen the card before so they've no idea what they'll be faced with, and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
OK, Bob, you're first up tonight.
Thank you.
I once set fire to my house with a box of fireworks.
David Mitchell's team.
Ah, was this on purpose? LAUGHTER It was It was done out of ignorance.
LAUGHTER What age were you? I was somewhere round about seven.
I want to know where you grew up where a seven-year-old can buy - a box of fireworks.
- I bought them in the shop where, near where I lived in Middlesbrough, it was a box for 2/6 of Standard Fireworks, that was the brand.
Standard brand! That sounds exciting, Standard Fireworks.
- Yeah.
- A normal level of excitement will be engendered.
For a Bonfire Night you WILL forget! But, but it says Standard but then it's, pch! Pch! Pch! That IS standard for a firework! So you're in your home? - Yeah.
- And you are seven or eight years old.
- I'm seven and I'm on my own, yeah.
- On your own.
- What happens? On one of the fireworks, I think it was the sparklers, it said "not suitable for indoor use," which, at that age, makes you think, "Ah, that means they're OK.
" Could you just not read the word "not" when you were a bairn? Did you think "not" was the brand? You go, "Oh, lovely I like that "not" brand food.
"It's "not" - for human consumption.
" LAUGHTER You know that logic that says, well, people have obviously tried them indoors.
And discovered they're not suitable.
- Yeah.
- So, therefore, I won't use them indoors because I want to live.
But if you look on a big firework, it won't say not suitable - for indoor It's obvious.
- Yeah.
- Right.
- Well, not to everybody.
But on the sparklers they chose to put it on.
So what happened? I lit the sparkler, the sparks went into the box of fireworks - the Standard box - and set THEM off and I carried the box of fireworks, now beginning to light into the kitchen and I threw them into the kitchen.
I thought it would be more suitable.
I think you're right, the kitchen of all the rooms is the most suitable for fireworks, isn't it? - It is.
- Because of the oven, the gas, the stove - there is fire naturally in the kitchen.
Yeah.
There's a lot ofand there's more It's more wipe-down.
Less cloth.
So what happened then? They went off in the, um What was the sound like? Was it bing! Wheee! Pssh-pssh-pssh? No, these were only Standard.
Phoo! Phoo! LAUGHTER And er No, I can't rememberI remember, as I'm sat here now, wiping the scorch marks off the floor and thinking that my mum's going to kill me - Yeah.
- .
.
and so I'm going to be in big trouble, then I went back into the living room.
Unbeknownst to me - Yeah.
- .
.
I'd dropped one.
And it just The living room was completely engulfed in flames.
It sounds to me that if you're on your own at home at seven, your mum's pretty laid-back anyway.
She said, "Son, will you sit here "and look after these fireworks whilst I go out to the bingo.
" So you lit the sparkler, a spark went into the Standard box.
- Yes.
- The box started to go You go, "Uh-oh, I must get them into the most suitable room for fireworks.
" - Yeah.
- That's the kitchen, no need to go beyond the kitchen to the outdoors.
Yeah.
Mum said, "Don't go out.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE No, it's good to know that there was at least one rule in your house.
What time of day did all this happen? This happened mid-afternoon.
- Oh, dear.
So you didn't really get the benefit of the fireworks? - No.
Who put the fire out? I went to next door where Miss Best lived.
Bless her, she was about 80 and I knocked on her door and said, "My house is on fire," and she said, "Do you know, I thought it was.
" So what happened then? She called the fire brigade.
They fired their water hoses throughout the house.
- Ruining it.
- Even the rooms where there was no fire.
- Not ruining it? - Yeah.
You do know that before they put out the fire, it was already ruined, don't you? You're making this house all wet, it was lovely and warm before.
Lee, it's the water damage that knackers the house.
- Is it? Not the fire? - Not the fire.
If they would use their boots to put it out I must say, the entire house wasthat's it.
I was in a family of four children and we had we were homeless.
- Keep it light.
- I'm just saying.
- Where were all the other kids while you were alone with the fire? Why did she take three children out and leave you? They were looking after fireworks in other people's houses.
So, you say you were homeless - how much of the house did the inferno claim? - It had gone, the entire house.
- The whole house? - The whole house burnt down? - The whole house burnt down.
So how much did you leave in the living room? The fireworks in the kitchen have only caused a few scorches! - Yeah.
- What did you leave in the living room? And now, and now don't you feel stupid for saying Standard fireworks? - Yeah.
- I'll tell you Not really.
I think you were stupid for lighting a sparkler indoors.
If you don't know what you dropped in the living room is there a chance that it's just a coincidence? - No, it could be.
- That it might not have been your fault? - That's what I said to the press.
- It's not your fault.
Press? What, what press, who, who, who did you speak to? - Local press.
- They Cos they came to the house while it was burning? Yeah.
You know, with their hats on, trilbies, sniffing around.
LAUGHTER With those little bits of paper in the hat.
- Typewriters and everything? - Yeah.
- Were they called things - like Scoop McLean? I believe he was called Ron Waffle.
Sorry, Ron Waffle? It was either him or the other ace reporter on the Gazette was John Caramel.
It was one of them two.
Caramel and Waffle! Honestly.
The question is whether you think Bob has been telling the truth.
Well, I was I thought it seemed very plausible until we heard about Caramel and Waffle.
I think he thinks he's telling the truth, but I think what's happened, at some point, he's seen a film in which this has happened.
- He saw Backdraft.
- And is now convinced that it happened to him.
I think it's a lie.
Sarah? I, ah, I sort of I was going to say I want it to be true, but that sounds really horrible.
I think I don't I think it might be true.
Well, I think it's true.
I think it's true.
- So you're going to go for true? - Yeah.
OK.
Bob, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie? I was telling the truth.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's true, Bob once set fire to his house with a box of fireworks.
Jon, you're next.
When I'm stressed, I often take a water-free bath.
Water-free baths, Lee and his team.
- Do you er, do you get undressed? - No.
Do you, do you just sit in the bath? Well, I lie in the bath.
Well, of course, cos you want to get the imaginary water all over your body, don't you? Do you imagine there's water in the bath or does your mind accept it's not there? - No, you know it's not there.
I'm not I'm not an idiot.
- I know it's not there.
Do you have a hovering duck? How long do you spend in this position? Uh, well, it depends on how stressed I am.
If I'm very stressed I'll be in there a long time, if I'm only a little bit stressed I'll pop in and I'll pop out again.
But what's the benefit, what, I don't see what is stress-relieving about it.
Oh, a bath is stress-relieving, isn't it, but then it's quite a faff innit, running the water, taking your clothes off, then you're wet, you can't go out when you're wet, so you've got to dry yourself - then you've got to put your clothes back on.
- Well, why - If you just get in without all that faff, you get all the joy of a bath and none of the fuss.
You're from the north - I'll bet you've got just an imaginary flannel.
You said that like you're not from the north.
I, I, I've completely converted now.
Have you told your accent? Are you always alone? LAUGHTER Oh, wow! Sarah do you mean in life or in the bath? Whichever one he wants to answer.
I You always should be in the bath alone, I think we'll all agree.
Jon, do you do any, like, bath-related things when you're in the non-bath, or do you just shut your eyes and lie there? Uh, sometimes I'll put my dressing gown on over me or a big towel to - Over your clothes? - Over your clothes? - Over me, I'll get into the bath.
- Oh, in the bath.
Oh, right, so now it's suddenly got a bit more disturbing.
It's stress relief, isn't it? I don't just sit there, like, in the bath, like, you know - I don't smoke.
- You could have an imaginary cigarette if you're having an imaginary bath - it's fine! So what are you thinking, Lee? Does this, does this smack of the truth? - Um, what do we think, David? - I think it's total nonsense.
- Do you? - Yeah.
Putting the thing over your head, I think it would add to the stress as opposed to relieving it.
- I'm going for a lie.
- You're going for a lie.
Go for a lie in his bath fully clothed.
Actually, come to think A fart's not going to be half the fun in this non-bath, is it? - So are we going to say lie? - Lie.
My team say lie so I have to go with them and say lie.
You're all saying it's a lie, OK.
Jon Richardson, were you just telling us the truth or were you telling a lie? It was, sadly, true.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
I want it Let's end the show there, let's end the show there, we'll have a quick chat with Jon, we'll bring on Jeremy Kyle and just end it now.
Yes, it's true, when Jon is stressed he has a water-free bath.
Our next round is called This Is My where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
Now this week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's special guest, Keith.
APPLAUSE So, er, Bob, first of all.
Bob, what is Keith to you? Er, this is Keith, he's my oldest friend and when we were at school together we hid a Dictaphone in the classroom ceiling to confuse our teacher.
David Harewood.
Er, this my is old teacher, Keith.
I once had to claim I wasn't me when I met him in a cafe, as I was in character preparing for Homeland.
And finally, Lee - your relationship with Keith? This is Keith, and his hawk Yes.
LAUGHTER Yeah.
I'll admit, David, it's a difficult start, but go with it.
This is Keith and his hawk was supposed to land on my arm at a village fete, but instead, stole the wig from the man next to me and flew off into a tree.
So there we are.
It's Bob's classroom prankster, it's David's blanked buddy or it's Lee's hawk handler.
David's team, where do you start? So, yes, David, what, he was a teacher at your school? - Very briefly.
- What, a whole lesson? I mean, I don't know if I mean, I could I would see him.
- But he didn't teach you.
- No, not teach me.
He was someone who hung around a school and, charitably, you assumed he was a teacher.
But if he was at the school a short period of time how did you even recognise him in the cafe? Oh, I knew it was him.
He walked into the cafe and he said, "Hi, David," and, basically, I blanked him.
It was literally the month before I went to America when I was doing Homeland and I'd just been to see my dialect coach.
He basically said I have to stay in my American voice, so Could you not have explained that to him in your American voice? "I'm sorry, buddy, but I'm doing a role here.
" I, I don't think it was ever as good as that, Jon, to be fair.
I basically just had to say, "I don't know what you're talking about.
" Oh, that's I'm, I'm remembering you now.
- Do the voice a bit more.
- I said, "I don't know what you're talking about.
" Oh.
That did weird things to me.
LAUGHTER So your dialect coach said, "You're in this role, you need to stay in this character.
"Now the lesson's over, let's go to a very public place where you're likely to encounter several people.
" You have to stay in that voice.
You have to have the confidence to stay in your voice.
Why can't you just, like, turn it on like an actor? Oh, that's a, that's a cheap shot, Sarah.
I did I had to say I did phone him up afterwards and apologise.
So you had his number.
You stayed in touch with a teacher you barely remember? Would it be fair to say the hawk's looking a bit more plausible? So, David, who would you like to question next? Um.
Bob, er, remind us of your allegation! When we were at school together we hid a Dictaphone machine in the ceiling tiles to, um, interrupt the lesson.
So, not to record but to play stuff.
- Yeah.
- What sort of stuff? Well, it was, um, important to keep a gap at the beginning so we let it run for about 15 minutes and then there was the noise of a fly .
.
for a brief period then another bitperiod.
- To confuse the teacher.
- Where would you get the noise from the fly? You'd make the noise? We'd make the noise ourselves.
I'm not paying for no fly to do it.
- Bob, let's hear your fly.
- Bzzzzzz.
You knowwhat? It does sound like a fly.
Can I hear your bee? Er, we didn't do a bee.
- Do you know how to do a bee? - How? - Just like that fly.
Oh, no, it's moreit's more wholesome if it's a bee, isn't it? Show me the difference, David.
Well, I don't know.
I'm, I'm not Do it.
But I would say, OK a bee would be a sort of a fuller bzzzzzzzzzz.
No, that's a bumble bee.
Whereas a fly is a (HIGHER PITCH) zzzzzzzz.
- That is good.
- That's good, very good.
Do you see the way he just slipped straight in and out of character? - So you'd hide it.
- So, yes, there was silence.
- Yeah.
- Then a little bit of fly, silence, little bit of fly and then quite loudly, but not to frighten anyone, the word "wolf!" What? Then more silence.
- Yeah.
- A bit more silence.
Then - Yeah.
- .
.
Speedway stadium.
Speedway stadium? Do you know, the idea was just to say kind of random things.
We had, he was a really nice teacher called, um, Bill Whittlingham.
How did Bill Whittlingham react to these random sounds? Well, Mr Whittlingham left the room and said, "Can you sort this out by the time I've gone back?" "Whatever it is that's going on.
" And there was a cupboard in the corner where, interestingly, it had exercise books in it, pens and that, but it also had, in a little cage, a hand lion, which is a robotic It's a battery operated thing.
- A what? - Are you just, are you just saying any words that come into your head in any order? It's a hand lion and if you - A hand lion? - It's a robotic electanimatronic hand lion.
And if you'd been particularly good he would put it on your hand and set it to "lick" and it would lick you.
- If you'd been particularly - Was this like a clockwork lion? No, it was remote control, I promise you.
It was remote control? Remote control.
He had the controller in his desk and he said, "You've been such a good boy, "get out the hand lion and you'll get a lick.
" And if you'd been bad he'd put him on your hand and he'd strike, he'd strike at your hand.
So, the hand lion had two settings - it could lick or it could strike.
Yes, good boy, bad boy.
Right, very sensible.
- Now the only problem with it of course - What, this story? The only problem was cos if the batteries got low, it would get constipated.
No, anyway but in this cupboard, so we got up on the cupboard, um You climb onto the cupboard that the hand lion is housed in? - Probably asleep.
- Right.
You reach up under the ceiling tile.
- Take out the Dictaphone.
- Switch it off.
- Yeah.
- Mr Whittlingham comes back in.
- Yes, yes.
- What happens? He's nervously awaiting another, you know, edict from above.
It doesn't come, we carry on with the lesson, um, British Government and Politics, it was.
There was a lesson called British Government and Politics? - Yeah.
- A whole year on that? Two years.
It was A-Level.
So the 6th formers A hand lion A hand lion that can either lick or strike was what was used to express praise or, or the opposite to these 17 or 18-year-old students.
And it was very effective.
All right, would you like to move on to the final claim.
So Lee, tell the story about Keith.
I was at a village fete, and er Why were you at a village fete? I was helping out.
What village? Thames Ditton.
Why were you helping out at Thames Ditton fete? I don't live too far away from there and they asked me to help out and I did a few little things.
I did I did a bit of tombola, a bit of announcing then I went over to judge the pig racing, the usual things you do at a fete, you know.
The pig racing? Yeah.
I don't know why I judged it, cos surely, first past the post, but It was I was there in case of a dead heat.
And what happened with the with the hawk and Keith and the wig? One of the things, um, I had to do was to volunteer to stand there and learn - he had the little, er, headpiece on, where he'd teach the crowd basic falconry, I believe we call it.
I stick the, er, stick the glove on and, er, then hold this little thing.
I don't know what it was but I'm doing this.
A small morsel of meat.
Thank God you've been to one, cos I haven't.
I'm holding a small morsel of meat.
Then what happens? And then, er Then the swan comes down.
The swan came down.
So the hawk comes over, right, it comes up there, there's a person missing from this story, and it's the mayor, right, the local mayor.
I can't say it in I always struggle.
The mayor.
The mayor! The mayor, right? So.
The mayor is standing next to a horse.
Yeah.
So, the local So, the mayor is doing his bit, but the mayor has got a wig on, right, the hawk flies over to go and land on my hand, but he lands on the mayor's head so it gets caught up in his, in his What shall we call them? - Talons.
- Talons! - Talons.
Gets caught up in the talons and then in the sort of panic the bird sort ofand he can't release this wig and he flies off and he goes into the tree.
I said, "Why didn't he go for the meat?" He said, "I genuinely think the gold chain caught his eye," there was a bit of confusion for a second, and he just did a bit of an emergency landing on a mayor's wig at Thames Ditton fete! What's there not to believe? At that point, did you cry, "Oh, no - the mayor's hair's over there"? All right, so David's team - is Keith Bob's classroom prankster, David's blanked buddy or Lee's hawk handler.
I was believing Bob until the fact that he was 18 and the hand lion.
I'm leaning towards David.
I think I'm leaning toward David.
I think, I think it's Bob.
And I think he panicked cos he knew we were onto him, so he went on a ridiculous riff about a hand lion to throw us off the scent.
I'll go Bob, but I've been wrong before.
- Sarah? - I'm going to go David.
- We'll go David.
- You're saying David.
- M'hm.
Keith, please reveal your true identity.
My name is Keith and, er, Bob and I recorded voices and hid the Dictaphone in the ceiling.
Yes, um Keith is Bob's classroom prankster.
I would never have believed all that stuff about a hand lion was completely true.
Thanks very much, Keith.
Thank you.
Which brings us to our final round, Quick-fire Lies, we start with BUZZER SOUNDS It's Sarah Millican.
- Possession.
- Ah, there's a box under your desk.
- Would you pop it on the desk and then first of all read out the card that's inside, before you show us what the possession is.
This is my cat-cam.
I put it around my cat's neck for a week to film what it got up to because I believed it was him who kept turning the kitchen tap on.
OK, let's take this item out and pop it on the desk.
Right, Lee's team, cat-cam.
So you're saying that the You thought the cat might be - turning the tap on.
- Yes.
- we know it wasn't Jon.
So you put the cat-cam on the cat for how long? For, well generally, like an hour at a time, but while I was out.
So the cat's clever enough not to be turning this tap on when you're in.
Well, yeah, because I would just see him doing it and then I would know it was him.
If he could do the tap, were you not worried that he could turn the camera off? LAUGHTER No, cos the tap's like one of those ones where that's quite fiddly.
How do you see the picture? You connect it to a computer? Yeah, it's just got a USB thing, yeah.
- I see, OK.
- You attach it to the computer, and how long, you watch it an hour at a time? Well, you fast forward it, I'm not sitting watching.
Oh, just the highlights, you're doing the highlights.
Yeah.
- Go on, the big question is - Was it the cat? - Not so far, but I'm still It's still sort of - Somebody's turning the taps on when you go out of the house.
- It's kind of a work in progress, so When you comewhen you come back I hope he's not watching, cos - Don't worry, he can turn this off.
- He's turned this off.
Can I ask you a question, very, just.
.
? Yes.
Why didn't you attach the camera to the taps? Oh! LAUGHTER Thank you.
What's the name of your cat, Sarah? He's called Chief Brody.
And the personality, is he a scratcher? - He is a scratcher.
- On bits of furniture? On, arms.
Yeah.
Well, that's not so much of a worry - it's the furniture is more the thing, isn't it? - Is it? Thanks.
- Can I ask why you're so worried about the cat turning the taps on when you've got something in your house that's attacking you? I wouldn't mind if he turned the tap on if it's scratching my face.
- Well, that's because you're not a cat lover.
- No, but I don't like things - that scratch.
Well, don't get a cat, then.
- Am I the weirdo here? - Yeah.
- Can we have a show of hands? - Yes.
That's so lovely to hear, cos usually it's me.
What colour is your cat, Sarah? Ginger.
Um, pink collar, ginger cat? Would you? It's red, it's not pink.
- Would you, pink.
- It's red.
Oh, please it's pink.
It's red, shut your face.
Red and ginger, devil's finger.
- What? - That's what they say.
It's true.
No-one says that.
Who says that? - No-one says that, Bob.
- They do.
- Is that what your mum used to say? - And they're still saying it.
So what do you think, Lee? Is she telling the truth? What do we think, Bob? I'm saying it's a lie.
- You're saying it's a lie, David's saying it's - Possibly true.
- Well, I'll go lie.
- OK, you're saying lie.
Sarah, truth or lie? It is a lie.
Oh! Yes, it's a lie, Sarah didn't put a cat-cam on her cat.
Next.
It's David Harewood.
I can balance a bank note on my nose.
When did you first find this out? When I was about, um, 13.
Is it flat or is it sort of like that? It's on its, kind of, on its - On its edge.
- Yes.
And I would balance it on like that.
Straight up? Like that? - Yes.
- On your nose? - Kind of like that.
So the end of the note is along your nose there.
- Going upwards? - Yes.
What's your technique for cos I imagine the problem with that is that the note would immediately fall off.
- Well, I kind of - What's your technique for preventing that? Zen.
Is that a type of glue? What do you think, David? Does this have the ring of truth for you? I don't think it does.
I think it's an odd mixture of something that would be impossible and not that impressive anyway.
So what do you think? - I think we think it's a lie.
- I think it's a lie.
- Lie.
We think it's a lie.
Three of you, all three of you think it's a lie.
OK.
David Harewood, truth or lie? It is true.
Whoa! Yes, it's true.
Whoa.
You pulled that out at just the right time for us.
- Cheers, mate.
- I might have to I have to stand up for this.
- All right, please do.
- Here we go.
Take your time, milk it.
Whoa.
APPLAUSE Very impressive! Yes, it's true.
BUZZER Oh, and that noise signals time is up - it's the end of the show and I can tell you that Lee's team have triumphed by three points to two.
SPEECHED COVERED BY APPLAUSE But, of course, it's not just a team game and my individual liar of the week this week is Bob Mortimer.
APPLAUSE Yes, Bob Mortimer if you were looking for an effortless liar then Bob's your uncle.
At least, he says he's your uncle - he's probably lying about that, too.
Good night.