Would I Lie To You? (2007) Episode Scripts

N/A - Nick Robinson, Sara Cox, Harry Shearer, Jason Manford

Good evening.
Welcome to Would I Lie To You? the show with barefaced lies and well-masked truths.
On Lee Mack's team tonight, an American comedian, actor and star of The Simpsons.
One of the few people for whom having voices in his head is actually a good thing.
It's Harry Shearer.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And she presents The Great Pottery Throw Down, which I think is just smashing.
It's Sara Cox.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And on David Mitchell's team tonight, a comedian who used to be a glass collector in a comedy club.
It was a tough job but he picked it up as he went along.
It's Jason Manford.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And the BBC's former chief political editor.
In one year, he asked politicians a record number of questions - 5,000 - and got a record number of answers - seven.
It's Nick Robinson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, to round one, Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction - and Jason is first up tonight.
OK.
"I once wet myself whilst baby-sitting a toddler.
" LAUGHTER Lee's team.
When was this? I reckon I was about .
.
12 or 13.
It's quite young to be baby-sitting.
It's not in the North.
LAUGHTER Most of us are parents by that age.
I was going to say.
LAUGHTER So, whose baby was this, then? Was it a neighbour's or? It was No, no, it was, like, a niece LIKE a niece? No, no LAUGHTER Was it a nephew? LAUGHTER No, it was a niece.
No, a cousin.
Well, it's hard to It's a niece.
Why didn't you go to the toilet? Because I, like, heard I heard a voice upstairs.
"LIKE" a voice? Like a voice, yeah.
Like a niece's voice? LAUGHTER It was like the voice of a man, like, of someone who shouldn't have been up there, like Oh.
Like a voice that I didn't know Yeah.
.
.
and I just got scared.
I thought it was a ghost.
So, you heard this voice and you went to investigate? It was on the baby monitor.
So What did the voice say? It said "Wet yourself.
" LAUGHTER HARRY: Go ahead! It wasn't an instruction.
It was just, like, a voice.
"I'm in the toilet, it's occupied.
" LAUGHTER So, what did the voice say? I can't remember the exact words, but Cos you always forget what a ghost says.
Did he speak in English? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was English.
What kind of accent? Like a Northern accent.
He wasn't going, "Oooooooh!" He wasn't doing like a typical ghostly noise, he was just going "Ay up.
" LAUGHTER And then did you go upstairs? I went up and there was nothing there.
And did you ever get to the bottom of what this voice was? Yeah, I think what had happened was the baby monitor had tuned into one of the neighbour's baby monitors.
Oh, yeah.
I was just listening to, like, someone three doors down.
When you realised that you'd had an accident because you were frightened Yeah.
.
.
did you then make any attempt to sort of get changed or? No, I still Can I say, Sara, it's a lovely line of inquiry but can I just go a step further and ask the extent of the spillage? Because Well, no, no There's the full-on, there's the deluge, then there's something that some of the more middle-aged men on the panel might LAUGHTER .
.
might be aware of, which is the sitting and, "Oh, not again.
" LAUGHTER Can I just say - you're saying this out loud.
LAUGHTER Was it age-related seepage or did the levee break? Oh, stop saying "seepage.
" Rob, are you hoping to become? Cos there are many products for gentlemen of that age with that problem, are you hoping to become the face of them? LAUGHTER "Only if you're wearing a Brydon will you have real peace of mind.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Rhymes with Dry-don.
"Stay Dry-don in a Brydon.
" There you go.
LAUGHTER Dryd-on? Dried-on.
LAUGHTER With a Brydon "With a Brydon, you'll be dried-on.
" LAUGHTER It has, it's dried on.
It's dried on.
So, you go up, you get to the niece's bedroom, you check on her.
Yeah.
When does the penny drop? I went up, grabbed the child, who was asleep in her cot Yeah.
.
.
I went out the front door and my You actually ran out the house? Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
Screaming what? I didn't scream, Lee, I just Well, you've wet yourself.
Well LAUGHTER Don't try and keep dignity with this story.
"I didn't scream, I just wet my pants.
" So, my auntie and uncle just live round the corner, so I just went round there.
And what did you say to them? "There's a ghost in the house, so I've got the baby.
" LAUGHTER And what did they say? "Have you wet your pants?" LAUGHTER So, what's your team thinking? Harry, does this strike you as the truth? I'm still back at, "Like a niece, like a nephew".
Yeah, it was unsettling, wasn't it? A bit.
That got me off my feed right there.
So, Harry thinks it's a lie and Sara says it's I think, I kind of think it might be true.
Oh, split decisions, I hate them.
Who can persuade me the most? I think if I think Smithers could.
Can we make him do the voice, please? That's early.
Round One.
LAUGHTER I thought, "At least have the dignity "to wait till the second half.
" "Is it truth or a lie?" "Never mind that, do Smithers.
" LAUGHTER I swear, all day Now, dance! APPLAUSE OK, we'll go with Harry and say it's a lie.
Saying it's a lie.
OK.
Jason, truth or lie? It is Oh.
APPLAUSE It is true - Jason did wet himself while baby-sitting a toddler.
Sara, you're next.
OK.
"I know how to properly wash a cow.
" David's team.
How do you properly wash a cow? With water Mm-hmm.
.
.
and soap Oh.
.
.
and determination.
Why do you have to wash a cow? Oh, if they get dirty, and LAUGHTER Yeah, you need to wash a cow if you're going to If you're going to show your cow, like, at a county show or something.
Oh, right.
What sort of soap would you use for a cow? A typical soap or was it a special agricultural soap? Um, you'd use Fairy liquid.
Just the one brand? Just Fairy? I mean you could use a citrusy, lemony-fresh one.
LAUGHTER I think that would make the milk taste lemony.
LAUGHTER But the steak would be lovely.
LAUGHTER Yeah, that's true.
Yeah.
LEE: Because everyone likes a bit of lemon on their steak, don't they? LAUGHTER I'd eat that.
Well, yes, Lee.
Do they? They often marinate a sn A snake.
LAUGHTER You certainly made me look an idiot there, Rob.
I'll give you that.
LAUGHTER I won't be messing with you again.
Yeah.
Yes, Lee, because You said, "Snake," you can't do it again! LAUGHTER Every time you say it, I'll shout, "Snake!" So, why did you have to wash a cow? You marinate a steak Snake! LAUGHTER Save it for tonight when you're in bed with your wife.
"I'm just marinating the snake.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Why did you have to wash a cow? Yeah, I washed a cow because my dad's a farmer and so we would wash the cows and take them to the shows, the county shows.
Arable? No, he's a nice man.
LAUGHTER What do you mean, "Arable?" They're cows! How can they be arable? LAUGHTER What does arable mean? LAUGHTER Arable is crops.
Yeah, well.
Like wheat.
Well, have you never heard? Not animals.
Duh.
Have you never heard of a farmer who has a little bit of arable and a little bit of pastoral? That would be mixed farming, not arable farming.
Which was going to be my THIRD option.
LAUGHTER What breed of cows were they? They are, they are the brown and white ones.
Don't get too technical.
They're called Herefords.
ALL: Oh.
What were their names, your cows? Well, there was a long line of Dianas.
Dianas? Yeah.
"Diana, the cow.
" Diana, the cow.
What do you mean by "long line"? Well, Diana would have a daughter and then that'd be another Diana.
And then the initial Diana becomes Steak Diana? LAUGHTER Ooh.
Oh, that's good.
Wow.
That was so good.
That is a classy pun.
So, David, time to take a guess.
What do you think? Nick? I'm suspicious.
You think it's a lie? Well, a plausible lie.
Yeah, I think it's a lie.
If you both think it's a lie I'm afraid so.
Yep.
Yep.
We're going to go, "Lie.
" You're going to say, "Lie"? OK.
Sara, truth or lie? It's APPLAUSE Yes! Yes, it's true, Sara does know how to wash a cow.
Our next round is called "This Is My," where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest.
It's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's special guest, Claire.
APPLAUSE So, Nick what is Claire to you? Well, this is Claire.
I was once so peckish that I broke into her cottage to steal a tube of Pringles.
LAUGHTER Jason, how do you know Claire? This is Claire.
I once called her to drive my car from the roof of a multistorey car park because I was too scared to.
LAUGHTER Right.
David, what is your relationship with Claire? This is Claire, and she is my dentist whose earring I swallowed mid-procedure.
LAUGHTER Well, there we have it.
Is Claire Nick's burgled buddy, Jason's multistorey mate, or David's dozy dentist? Lee's team, where do you start? Jason, let's start with you.
How old were you? Um, I was like, 20.
Have you just started driving at this point? Yeah, I'd just passed, so So you'd managed to get to the top Yeah, yeah.
Why did you find going down worse than going up? It was a different way down than it was coming up - one of them really tight spirals, where you But it was a spiral going up, too, wasn't it? No, it was up the ramp and then along the car park, and then up the next ramp and then along the car park, so Did you know Claire before? Who is she? What's the relationship? She's my friend's mum.
Friend's mum? Yeah, yeah.
Auntie, niece? LAUGHTER Which friend? Steve.
Oh, so Steve Is Steve your age? Steve's my age, yeah.
And that's? I mean, you look about the same age.
And that's the mum? LAUGHTER She's, like, 55.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! Oh, I don't know.
I tell you what, Jason, if it's not your person and you're not telling the truth No, I know her.
.
.
this is going to be a hell of a green room conversation, isn't it? LAUGHTER She looks phenomenal for it, I'm just saying.
HARRY CHUCKLES Keep going.
LAUGHTER Why did you call Claire of all people? Claire worked Oh, where I parked was at the Arndale Centre in Manchester, and Claire works there.
What does Claire do? Where does she work? Oh, I think it's, like, the jewellers, one of the jewellers in SARA: Hang on a minute, how did you ring her? Just on my phone.
On your mobile? Yeah.
What, 20 years ago? It wasn't 20 Come on, hey.
Come on now.
18 years ago? It was See, not nice, is it? JASON AND ROB: 14 years ago.
14 years ago.
Jason is 34.
You're 34? Yeah.
That's not even a lie.
True! LAUGHTER Wow, have you had a really hard life? LAUGHTER Yeah.
And you had Claire's work number on your cellphone? She had a mobile number as well.
I had, like, Steve's mum's number.
You had your mate's mum's number on your mobile? Yes, I had my friend's mum's number.
What have you got it down as, Sweet-cheeks Claire or? LAUGHTER "Steve's mum.
" OK, who would you like to question next? OK, Nick.
So, you broke into this lady's house for Pringles, did you say? You mean the crisp or the jumper? LAUGHTER So, where did all this happen, Nick? Paint the picture for us, where are we? We're on holiday.
We're on holiday.
Where? LAUGHTER People at home are now banging the TV.
Somebody hit pause.
LAUGHTER Where were you? I was in Italy.
Italy! Italy.
Well, that's narrowed it down.
Where in Italy were you? I was in LAUGHTER Pardon? Pause.
I'll give you a clue, it could be Rome.
Rome? LAUGHTER Milan? Venice? Florence? That's just Near Florence.
Near Florence.
How do you and Claire know each other? She was also on holiday.
But I want to know, did you know Claire before you went to Italy? I did.
So, you're near Florence, you've got What, you've hired some cottages close to each other? Yeah, we're Exactly.
And what happens? I'm in my cottage, raiding the larder Yes.
.
.
looking for things to eat, and I thought, "I know what I need.
" Right.
Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes.
Eh, Rob? LAUGHTER They are ludicrously tasty.
LAUGHTER So, how did you get into the cottage? I sort of tried the You know how you get blinds on a holiday cottage, those sort of shutters, that's the word I'm after.
Yeah.
So, I tried the shutters.
Spotting that one was open, I thought, "I tell you what, I could probably "squeeze in.
" What time of day was this? Just before lunch.
So, you got in through the window Why didn't you wait for lunch, then? LAUGHTER Nice work.
So the shutter is a little bit open, but isn't, on the other side of a shutter, a glass window? Yeah, but it wasn't locked.
She's not security-conscious, this woman.
I'm surprised she's working on a jewellery counter, to be honest.
LAUGHTER Or have I got these stories mixed up? There we go.
How did you get out of the cottage? I opened the door You opened the door.
.
.
and I surreptitiously, hiding the Pringles tube down my shorts, I Baguette? My wife said, "Are those curiously shaped crisps or are you just pleased to see me?" LAUGHTER What was it? Did you never? LAUGHTER Why didn't you go to the shop? Cos we were on a holiday, we weren't near a shop.
Why did you go on holiday at a place that's not near a shop? JASON: That's not a prerequisite of a holiday, is it? Are there shops, though? That's what I need to know.
Never mind the view.
What I'm hoping for is a Londis a two-minute walk away.
LAUGHTER And then did you tell Claire what happened or are you telling her this now on the telly and she's finding it out for the very first time? That would be a brilliant phone call.
"We'd like you to come along to see your old friend Nick.
" "Why?" "There's something he wants to tell you.
" LAUGHTER When did she find out? I think my children revealed the secret.
Wouldn't it have been easier to have one of them go through the window? That is a very good point.
Why didn't you do that, Fagin? LAUGHTER All right now, what about David? David, can you just remind us again how you know Claire? This is Claire and she's my dentist Oh, yes.
.
.
whose earring I accidentally swallowed mid-procedure.
OK.
All right.
What kind of earring was it? It was just a stud.
What was the procedure? It was a dental A dental procedure.
LAUGHTER It was actually, it was a cleaning.
Not a polishing, a cleaning.
I won't clean my teeth myself.
LAUGHTER So you pay her at a dentists' rate to do hygienist's work.
I want an expert.
LAUGHTER I get a brain surgeon to clean behind my ears.
LAUGHTER What made it suddenly just fall out? Cos that just doesn't happen.
Did you grab at her in terror? No, I didn't, no "Help! I'm scared!" LAUGHTER You make me seem so sexy.
LAUGHTER No, I think it was just simply gravity.
Something has to ruffle your ears Yes.
You have to Oh, David, you didn't! LAUGHTER Goodness sake, man.
You can't blame it on the novocaine, you knew what you were doing.
LAUGHTER So, you're laying back Yeah.
.
.
in the dentist's chair, or the hygienist's, chair Yes.
.
.
and she's leaning over you to use the cleaning apparatus.
Yeah.
It's hard to swallow even liquid when the hygienist is working in your mouth.
Mm-hmm.
How did you manage to swallow an earring? Well, I didn't try to.
It just went And I felt just a slight So, you didn't? I felt You didn't swallow at the time? I felt nothing more than a sort of No, I didn't go, "Ooh! Mmmm.
" HE GULPS So, you swallowed the earring - do you get the earring back and give it to Claire at your next appointment? That's a good question.
Did it ever get back to Claire? It did not.
Did it? I'm sorry, I wasn't prepared to do that.
Were you sat on the toilet at any point and there was a sort of definitive Ping! .
.
a definite clink noise as metal hit porcelain? No.
I think it must've been deeply embedded in AUDIENCE GROANS When you Hang on.
Give us a minute.
LAUGHTER It must have come out, you know, mid-log.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER You could've at least used it for a very unusual game of pass the parcel.
LAUGHTER Is "unusual"? Is "unusual" the adjective you want to use? It's probably not the right word.
"Unusual's" probably not a strong enough word.
"Sorry, kids, the clown's cancelled "but in better news, David's brought his little thing" LAUGHTER "Start the music.
" LAUGHTER "I don't even want the earring.
" LAUGHTER All right, well, we need an answer.
What do we think? Cos I They're all sounding unbelievable to me.
I tend to believe Jason.
Jason, you think he panicked getting out of the car park.
Yeah.
Sara, what do we think? Well, I don't know.
I don't know if Nick was being vague on purpose about where the cottage was.
When they come to him outside Number Ten, have you ever noticed some, like, crumbs of crisps just falling from his mouth at the last minute before he goes? And in the background, a slightly opened window.
Yes.
LAUGHTER What about David, though? I mean, you're not even Oh, we're actually entertaining that? So, what are you going to say? I say, "Jason.
" You say, "Jason.
" Oh, I'm drawn towards Nick's story being true, but I'm not I don't know, I'm happy to go with the boss man here.
I think we might have to go with Jason.
You're going to say it's Jason.
OK.
Claire, would you please reveal your true identity? My name is Claire, and Nick stole my Pringles.
APPLAUSE Thank you very much, Claire.
I'm really sorry.
Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies.
And we start with It's Lee.
"Possession.
" Lee, if you step out from behind the desk, read the card first.
"When I ran out of petrol with my kids in the car, "the only way I could get to the nearest garage quickly was on this.
" LAUGHTER Yeah.
Pop that down there, sir.
Brilliant.
APPLAUSE So, where did you break down? I broke down just after this round, crying.
LAUGHTER It was a country lane.
Whereabouts in the world? It was just somewhere around Oxfordshire.
You're from Oxfordshire, aren't you? Yes.
Let's change that.
Uh LAUGHTER I was somewhere just around Oxfordshire.
And this was in the car? This was not in the car.
This belonged to a farmer.
LAUGHTER It belonged to a farmer? The smallest, campest farmer you can imagine.
LAUGHTER So I run out of petrol, we're in the middle of nowhere, I pull over, near the hedgerow bit Yep.
.
.
and then I remembered passing a petrol station back there.
How far? A mile, half a mile? About a mile and a half.
A mile and a half.
A mile and a half? And you didn't just think, "I'll walk a mile and a half.
" Well, it's not, it's three miles, isn't it? Cos you've got to get back as well.
That's true.
He's got you there, hasn't he? Yes.
LAUGHTER But I have to say What with you all Oxbridge and everything and him having no education, that's quite embarrassing.
LAUGHTER Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hang on.
But still, three miles, that's not that far.
Three miles is a long way when you've got children in the car, crying.
Well, hold on, then, if you did three miles on it, you can definitely do four yards, so let's have a look at you on the bike.
And then Let me finish the story.
LAUGHTER .
.
I remember, as I came back with the petrol canister, falling off and damaging my leg, and vowing that day never LAUGHTER .
.
ever to ride one of these beasts again.
APPLAUSE Would you like me to demonstrate me riding the bike? I think so.
I'm going to kill you for this.
LAUGHTER Go round the back Yes.
.
.
round the side of Sara, you can do it from there.
OK, I'm not feeling as young as I used to be, so I may not be able to do a wheelie.
Right.
Is it all coming back? LAUGHTER And he had a petrol can as well, of course.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE That's it, keep going, keep going.
Over the ramp, over the ramp.
I've got the petrol can.
It's all Ow! I've gone over the I've got the petrol can.
I'm coming, kids! Kids, I'm coming, stop crying! Tell your mother not to divorce me, I've got the can! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Now I can see it would have been a big help.
LAUGHTER Can I make a comment? Yeah.
You're very out of breath.
Yes, I am.
And you've done one lap of this.
Now you're telling us that you cycled three miles.
Yes.
Do you remember having a coronary arrest at the end of the journey? I was a lot younger in those days.
Why, when was it? This was just after Christmas.
LAUGHTER Lee, what are you doing? I'm thinking, in a minute, I'm going to go wheelie the bike to the edge They're saying in my ear, "It seems like a very bad idea.
" I say, "Let him have a go.
" Oh, they're saying to YOU this is a bad idea! How do you think I feel? LAUGHTER What, you mean the same people that said, "Pretend you stole a child's bike and went to a petrol station," and they're saying I'M the one with the bad idea(!) LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Can I just say, Rob Come here.
You with your little body, come on.
LAUGHTER Come on.
CHEERING Will you help me on to it? LAUGHTER Right, I'll sit here and do the easy bit.
IN WELSH ACCENT: Right, I think I'm just going to make him cycle around for a while.
I'm doing Rob Brydon.
Oh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Fair play.
APPLAUSE Do you want me to help you on to the seat? Come on, up, jump! Thank you.
APPLAUSE So, while Lee brings that huge bike back up .
.
what are you thinking? Stop me if you object, but I think we're going to say that it's a lie.
You're saying it's a lie.
All right.
Yeah.
It is, in fact APPLAUSE Yes, it's a lie.
Lee didn't ride a child's bike to a petrol station.
Stupid game! LAUGHTER Next.
It's Harry.
"At a White House drinks reception, "I was asked to judge who could do the best Mr Burns impression "out of Barack Obama, Bill Clinton and Bono.
" Oh, please be true, please be true.
This is the best thing we've ever had.
Yes! What was the occasion? They were honouring music, musicians It's a They have about four or five of these a year at the White House.
And why was there a Mr Burns a competition to sound like Mr Burns at a musical event? I was there, and I think they thought it would be a cute idea to have me, you know, judge the thing because people are always ASKING me to do these voice things.
Do you generally say no when people ask? No, I don't.
Good.
Do it.
LAUGHTER I mean I'd rather not ride a miniature pink bike Yeah.
.
.
but, you know, we all go with the cards we're dealt.
All right, so I will tell you about your riding the pink bike, that you were AS MR BURNS: Excellent.
APPLAUSE One word gets a round of applause.
I cycled round twice LAUGHTER .
.
and I'm mocked.
And were they, like, the finalists? They were the finalists, yes.
What did they get to say? AS MR BURNS: "Release the hounds," "Excellent," and, uh, I think a couple more.
And who was the best? I judged Barack Obama the best.
Very wise.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER He's It was his house.
Yeah, absolutely.
Whereas Bono? His Burns was a little too breathy, I thought.
Could you give us an approximation of Bono's Burns? DEEP AND BREATHY: "Release the hounds, "release the hounds.
" Something like that.
IN MOCK IRISH ACCENT: "Oh, release d'hounds, release d'hounds, "release, release d'hounds.
" Something like that? No, it wasn't like that.
And what about? Tom Jones? LAUGHTER HE CLEARS HIS THROA AS TOM JONES: "Releasethe hounds.
" APPLAUSE And what about Bill Clinton.
AS CLINTON: .
.
Bill Clinton? AS CLINTON: "Well, you've gotta release the hounds now.
" LAUGHTER AS CLINTON: I did not release those hounds With that woman.
.
.
with that woman.
APPLAUSE David, what are you thinking about that? Nick, you know how the centres of power operate - is this kind of ado It's totally plausible.
It's plausible that they'd have a competition like that? I think so.
They wouldn't? Obama, Clinton get on well.
Yeah, yeah.
Bono's everywhere, isn't he? Bono's always there.
He's like Mickey Mouse, there's one in each continent.
LAUGHTER I think he's telling the truth.
Yeah? Well, I think, you know, we You all say, "True?" .
.
can't imagine a party at the White House, really.
We can't imagine what that would be like.
I mean, you've been to Buckingham Palace, haven't you? I've been to a buffet at Dale Winton's house, that's about as LAUGHTER That's as close as I've got.
All right, what are you going to say? I think we're saying it's true.
You're saying it's true? OK.
Yeah.
Harry Shearer, truth or lie? AS SMITHERS: "Sir, you have to tell them now.
" AS MR BURNS: "All right, I will.
" LAUGHTER Don't rush it, cos I want to hear that again.
LAUGHTER AS MR BURNS: "It was" APPLAUSE BUZZER Well, that noise signals time is up and it's the end of the show, and I can reveal that David's team have won by three points to two.
APPLAUSE Thanks for watching.
Goodnight.
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