Would I Lie To You? (2007) Episode Scripts

N/A - Rhod Gilbert, Jamie Laing, Tracy-Ann Oberman and Claudia

1 Good evening.
Welcome to Would I Lie To You? - the show with naked truths and well-dressed lies.
On David Mitchell's team tonight - a TV presenter whose nickname at school was Little Winkle.
So was mine, but for very different reasons.
It's Claudia Winkleman! APPLAUSE And, arguably the funniest man in Wales.
Well, I would argue.
It's Rhod Gilbert! APPLAUSE And, on Lee Mack's team tonight - she's an actress, best known for appearing in EastEnders and Doctor Who.
Bizarre humanoids acting like no earthling ever would, EastEnders is regularly watched by over 10 million viewers.
Tracy-Ann Oberman! APPLAUSE And, he's the star of Made In Chelsea, and heir to the McVitie's biscuit fortune.
Yes, blond hair and ginger nuts, it's Jamie Laing.
APPLAUSE So, we begin with Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement from the card in front of them.
Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
They've no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction, and we're starting tonight with Claudia.
OK, good.
When I meet someone for the very first time, I automatically make a mental note of what animal I think they are.
Once it's in, I never forget it.
- Lee's team.
- Do I raise? I don't raise my hand, do I? - Do you need to go to the toilet? - You can! Jamie, just to be clear - you may be dressed like a seven-year-old, but you don't have to behave like one.
APPLAUSE - Claudia, so, we met for the first time.
- Yes.
- What animal did you choose? - Ferret.
- A ferret?! - Why a ferret? - Well, small, friendly, could pet, not in a weird way.
- Immediately - ferret.
- And will you always see him as a ferret now? - That's it.
- That's it, you're done.
I mean, you might have another name, well done, but in my mind - ferret.
- Can you do all of us with that system? - Of course.
Beaver.
- APPLAUSE - She talking to you, or me? - Which one? - You.
- Me? Why am I a beaver? - You're a cat.
- Oh, I'd love to be a cat! I'm so glad.
- You're a cat.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, beaver? - Yes.
- Why a beaver? - It's just automatic.
I mean, I'm not - I can see that.
I can see it.
- Yeah, I can see it.
Beavers have got big teeth, and they're like A bit smelly-looking.
And your point is? No, you're a total, total beaver.
- Common cuckoo, this one.
- What? - A common cuckoo.
- Why a cuckoo? - Normally, I don't think about it.
Common cuckoo, owl, puppy.
End of.
Ah.
What? APPLAUSE What breed? You can't just say puppy, there's got to be a breed.
All right, if I'm pushed, red setter.
- Yes.
- Happy with that.
Well, I think I'm the only one who isn't happy.
I'm a cuckoo.
Whoa, whoa, I'm not particularly happy with the beaver.
I'm pleased with owl, I'll be honest.
I'm happy with that.
- I would love owl.
I would have loved owl.
- You're nowhere close to an owl.
So, Claudia.
I say Claudia, I mean meerkat.
- You have got a bit of meerkat about you, haven't you? - OK.
- If I was going to do it to myself - camel.
- Camel.
Why camel? I'm pure camel.
I'm 100% camel.
Maybe 3% mouse.
3% mouse, 97% camel.
That was a hell of a mum and dad relationship.
You wouldn't like to be the mouse in that relationship, would you? Why do you do it? Does it help you remember the person's name, or something? I've just done it forever.
I think we might have started when we were young, and we had a teacher who was a little bit human, but mainly cow.
Well, she's certainly given an encyclopaedic response.
She has done very well.
In fact, I would say it's instant with you.
Done.
Name anybody.
So, without pausing or hesitating, - tell us all again what we are.
- OK, easy.
- Go on.
Cat, beaver, ferret, common cuckoo, - owl, baby red setter.
- APPLAUSE I just do it, I can't help it.
- So what are you thinking, Lee? - So, do we? - True.
- You think it's true.
Yeah, I Yeah, I think it's true.
Genuinely, I think it's not true, but there's one bit in it that makes it feel true - the word Claudia.
You're saying it's true? It's true.
OK, Claudia, truth or lie? It is a - .
.
lie! - No! - Oh, my God! - APPLAUSE Yes, it's a lie.
Claudia doesn't think of an animal every time she meets someone.
Jamie, you're next.
I once set a sauna on fire.
- What? How? - I was in Brazil.
- Of course.
- And I was in the sauna, and I decided to pour vodka - Oh, my God.
.
.
on the rocks of the sauna.
- Cos you thought that's what vodka on the rocks was? - Yeah.
Look, how it started was my friend told me - I was in Cornwall, - of all places - and my friend - Can I jump in here and say, did your parents know you were drinking? I wasn't a minor.
I was 18 and a half.
- Isn't "18 and a half," 18, once you get to be an adult? - Well, no.
That's so true! Who says 18 and a half? You were in Cornwall.
I was in Cornwall, and my friend said to me, "If you go and "lie in the bath, and pour vodka in it, like a shot of vodka" - In the bath? - In the bath, it gets you drunk.
- I didn't go and do it, but then - A shot of vodka in a bath? Because of the fumes, it gets you drunk, so I was in Brazil, travelling, and my friend had a sauna in their apartment, - so I was left alone, and - I've heard about these Brazilian slums.
So you're left alone in this flat? I was left alone With a bottle of vodka, and you thought, "If only there was "some way I could use this bottle of vodka to make me become drunk.
" - Well - APPLAUSE - Where were you in Brazil? - I was in Rio.
Ah, that is in Brazil, yep.
Tick.
- A solid answer, a solid answer.
- Continue.
In Rio.
I was in a foreign country, I was young, I was experimenting, so I thought, "Why not experiment with?" Why did you look at me when you said you were experimenting? I decided to take the bottle of vodka into my sauna, and pour it onto the rocks.
As I poured it onto the rocks, it went into flames, and it burnt the sauna.
So you poured it onto the rocks, and immediately, what happened? - So I poured it onto the rocks - Just one shot, or the whole bottle? - Half a bottle, so - Half a bottle of vodka.
At 18 and a half, you change the rules.
And so the fire engines turned up, and No, hang on, we've missed a beat here.
You're in the sauna, and you've poured half - a bottle onto the rock things, flames are appearing.
- Yes.
You're sitting there - what are you wearing? - Er - David! - Well, I was going to go - They've told me to make the show sexier.
I was going to So I was going to go in naked, because I thought that's what you do, but I actually put on my swimming trunks, so I wore swimming trunks in there.
How low down your leg did they go? Mine are slight They're not too long Give me some inches above the knee.
- I would say about seven inches.
- Above the knee? - Above the knee.
If you go seven inches above my knee, you get to my waist.
- APPLAUSE - Nice.
Nice.
- So you're sitting in there, in your trunks, on the slats.
- Mm-hm.
And the flames have started.
What are you doing? No, I thought the best option was to pick them up and throw them - The rocks? - Yeah, cos I thought - What? - They must be boiling hot.
Well, that's what I found out, obviously.
What do you mean, you found out? You must have suspected they were hot, cos you knew they were producing the heat, surely.
But you In that panic No, not even in a panic do I go, "I'll throw the hot rocks.
" Bear in mind, he was 18 and a half.
So I try and pick up the rocks, to throw them out the door, - and realise they were - Out of the door? - Yeah, cos there's a Cos there's a door into the sauna.
Cos you really wanted, at this point, to spread the fire to the rest of the apartment.
What's on the other side of the door? The hall? The living room? - What? - A lovely balcony.
I know you can So you want to throw them on the passers-by outside? Nothing says Rio like a falling, flaming vodka rock.
My thought process was to pick up the rocks, throw them out the door, and it would have been fine.
However, I picked up the rocks, they were too hot, so they fell on the ground, and the fire went.
- How could you not know that the rocks are hot? - Lee, I told you Are you so posh you don't understand the concept of coal? Have you ever gone to? Have you ever cooked something, and you open up the oven, and gone to take it out with your hands? No.
No! OK.
- So, David, what is your team thinking about this? - Claudia? I think it's true.
Apartment, balcony, he's waiting for everyone to go, trunks on, vodka there.
Finally, everything comes into place.
- There we go.
- "Finally, a chance to put my trunks on.
Everyone's out.
" - What do you think? - I'm on your side.
It doesn't matter what I think.
I'm just interested to know.
- So what are you going to say, then? - I think we'll say true.
- OK, Jamie, were you telling the truth, or was it a lie? - It was - .
.
true.
- Ooh! APPLAUSE Yes, it's true.
Jamie did set a sauna on fire.
Right, Rhod, you're next.
OK.
A mistake I made in France meant someone in England got hospitalised.
- Lee's team.
- Have you just learned to read? APPLAUSE Was the mistake you made in the French language? - Yes.
- It's a simple question, Rhod - was it in the French language? - Yes! In the language of French.
It's a simple question with a simple answer - yes, it was.
Oui.
Can you tell us the mistake you made, please? The mistake I made got somebody hospitalised, that was the I didn't say No, no, no.
- APPLAUSE - That's not worthy of a clap.
- No.
- What was the mistake? - What was the mistake? - Qu'est que c'est? Lee, I'll take it from here.
What was the nature of this mistake? It was a language thing.
It was a French/English mix-up.
It was a mix-up.
A terrible mix-up.
A terrible mix-up, language mix-up, terrible.
What were you doing in France? I was, er I was on the phone.
I was in France, I was working in France, and I was on the phone.
- Working in France.
- I was on the phone to England, and I made a mistake with my French/English translation.
- Who received the mistake? - A girl.
A girl.
- What was her name? - Anne.
- What colour hair does she have? I don't know.
She was on the phone.
APPLAUSE - So you never met Anne? - I never met her, never met her.
So can you talk us through the incident? I was asked by someone in France, they said, "Can you talk to somebody in England?" - Why did they ask YOU to do that? - Because - .
.
they didn't speak English.
- Right.
What was the relationship between Anne and the person that had asked you to talk? Oh, that was Anne's father.
He said, "Can you speak to Anne? "She's in England.
And we're in France.
"And ask her what's wrong with her.
" - How did you know him? What was the relationship? - How did you know him? - There's a new angle.
- Oh, I knew him Oh, you should have asked.
I knew him because, erm I worked in France.
I was in a school.
I worked in a school.
- He was the caretaker.
- What were you doing in school? - I was teaching English.
- Now, his daughter, she's French? - Yes.
- She's living in England? - Yeah.
- Now - No, no, she wasn't living, she was on a very short exchange.
- Right.
Now, in the words of A Question Of Sport, what happened next? He came to me, said, "Can you talk to my daughter, Anne? "She's ill, she's in England.
" She couldn't speak to the family she was with, that's the problem.
So she didn't know how to speak to the family? She couldn't speak to the family, cos the family was How is you speaking to her going to help that? Right, here's the situation.
Anne could talk to her dad, and tell him what was wrong with her in French, but he couldn't say that to the family cos they didn't speak French, and he didn't speak English, so I spoke to her in French, then I passed it on to the family in English.
"What's wrong with her?" I passed that on to them in English, then I passed it back to him in French.
Everyone's happy, except That's fine.
APPLAUSE You said that you made a mistake that caused this person - to be hospitalised.
- That's right, I did, yeah.
- What did you do wrong? What did you say wrong? - I said - SPEAKS FRENCH All that, you know.
As you do.
- And she said - SPEAKS ECHOING FRENCH Was she stuck in the bell tower? APPLAUSE I know what's wrong with her! Is it something to do with her back? - J'ai un angines.
- And what is that? What does that mean? - Well, I said I got the English family on the phone, and I said, - "Hey! She's got an angina.
" - And that's a mistake, right? Well, angina, I found out later, is a serious heart condition, - so she was hospitalised.
- Right.
But what was wrong with her? "Angines" is a sore throat.
I didn't know that at the time.
Oh.
APPLAUSE And what happened? Did they then rush her to this hospital? They called 999, and got her into hospital, yeah.
Neuf neuf neuf? OK.
So, Lee, what are you thinking? Could it be true? I don't think Anne is a French name.
That's the one bit in it that I don't believe.
- Anne-Marie? - Who's she? - Don't know.
APPLAUSE What an absolutely amazing answer! That's one of the funniest things anybody's ever said.
- I believe it to be true.
- You believe it to be true.
- Mm-hm.
- OK.
It was so tortuous getting that story out, that it has to be the truth.
- Yeah.
- Lee, you think so too? - It could not be any truer.
- Rhod, truth or lie? - Of course, it is - .
.
true.
- APPLAUSE Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
This week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest, and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
So, please welcome this week's special guest, Tony.
APPLAUSE Right, let's start with you, Claudia.
What is Tony to you? This is Tony.
He's my builder.
He drove for over an hour to come to my house to fix my TV, and it turned out all I needed to do was change the batteries in the remote control.
Rhod, how do you know Tony? This is Tony, and we played in a band together, where we both played guitar, except only his was plugged in, cos I can't play a note.
- David, what is your relationship with Tony? - This is Tony, and I regularly go round to his house to play with his Lego.
So, there we have it.
Claudia's helpful handyman, Rhod's musical mate, or David's play pal.
Lee's team, where would you like to begin? - OK, let's start with Claudia.
- Yes.
- How do you know him? He built my house.
- GASPS - Out of Lego? Is it a combined story? What happened is my telly didn't work, and so I thought - I got it, I got it.
Did he put the television in the house? - Yeah.
- Yes.
So he built this from scratch? As in, it was foundations up? - Well, no, but he did the other stuff.
- What other stuff? You know, the building.
No, the painting.
Help me! - You know, the other stuff.
- The painting.
- The television wasn't working.
- Correct.
- You thought, "I'll call my builder.
" - That's what happened! Why did you think the builder is responsible for the television? I thought he would know about things falling off - I've got an unstable roof.
- You've got an unstable MIND! - APPLAUSE - Why are you clapping? The telly didn't work, the little puffin, baby, yeah? - He wanted to watch the telly - What do you mean, "little puffin baby?" - Stop talking to me! - Whoa, whoa, whoa I thought you said that YOU wanted to watch the telly.
- I did.
The family.
- But then, what was puffin doing? I only want to watch what he wants to watch.
Who in the love of God is the puffin? I can't work out whose mind is the worst, Claudia's or yours.
She said, "I wanted to help out the little puffin.
" And, instead of going, "What's the puffin got to do with it?", you went, "Well, hang on, who wanted to watch the telly, "you or the puffin?" It doesn't matter whether he wants to watch the telly.
"What's the puffin doing there?" is the next question.
Anyway, so Tony went, "No problem," because TELL US WHAT THE PUFFIN WAS DOING IN THE HOUSE! - And I'm not moving on.
- No, that's not his real name.
- He's called Arthur, but - Who's Arthur? - Her child! That's all I wanted! Did you go to the Rhod Gilbert School of Explanation? CLAUDIA SHRIEKS Let's move this on.
- Then he arrives, and he gets to the house.
- Yeah.
And he comes in, and what happens? And I say, "Something must have fallen off the roof, Tony.
" Meaning the aerial or the dish? But didn't you see that little red light in the bottom corner that wasn't green? Interesting.
And did he fix it straight away, or did he not have the tools? Watch his face! Did he have to nip to see his mate, Kevin, who's got the right tools, who lives four days away? He just got the remote - it was like magic - and he flicked this thing.
The "on" button.
This is the killer question that will decide whether she's telling the truth.
Did he charge you? - No.
- He's not a builder.
Well, there we are.
Now, who would you like to question next? OK, so, Rhod.
Sorry, remind us of your fact.
- I can't even remember his name.
- APPLAUSE - It's Tony.
- I know what it is! I'm bluffing.
It's a bluff, it's a bluff.
I'm bluffing.
Right, this is Tony.
We played in a band together, and we both played guitar, but only his was plugged in, because I can't play a note.
- You can't play.
- What was the band called? - Er It was a long time Muckspreader.
Muckspreader! And where did you get the name from? Two of the band were farmers.
It's rural west Wales.
- Why were you part of the band, then? If you couldn't play.
- Erm And you weren't singing.
Because Tony was the lead singer and guitarist, and as you see him now, that's the kind of charisma he brought to the stage.
Why were you in the band? Why were you in the band? That's what I'm coming to, that's what I'm saying.
- You were there for charisma? - No, Tony was This is what he was like, as a lead frontman.
Surely he didn't put his arms behind his back when he was playing the guitar? - No, he had a guitar in front of him.
- Yeah.
But in all other ways, that is exactly what he was like.
Dressed in a suit? He was that dull and uncharismatic at the front of the stage.
- That - So boring was he - That is not We're not doubting that.
What we're doubting is the fact that he thought you could help that situation.
They saw me dancing on the dance floor in a barn-dance thing, and they thought, "We need a frontman, cos ours is so dull.
" So you were like the Bez? I was exactly like the Bez, but with a guitar, yeah.
And what kind? I was going to say what kind of music did you play? But you didn't.
What kind of music didn't you play? Well, the band was a sort of punky, rocky sort of Punky rocky, is that how you introduced it, Johnny Rotten? WELSH ACCENT: And now we're going to do some punky rocky music.
- Can you do a? - WELSH ACCENT: By The Muckspreaders! I am the antichrist, I'm not, I'm a farmer! - APPLAUSE - The Muckspreaders! All our songs had the word "muck" in the title.
- Like what? - Like, er Hey, Hey, We're The Muckspreaders.
Muck Ado About Nothing.
Oh, you did Shakespeare plays as well? Oh, I see! Now it's all making sense! Don't Muck A "And now, ladies and gentlemen, this punk rock band "would now like to perform a piece from Shakespeare.
"But he won't be speaking, he's not plugged in.
He'll mime it.
" - So, what about David? - OK, David.
Tony and you go round to his house to play Lego, - is that what you're saying? - To play with HIS Lego.
- Why would you play Lego at Tony's house? - He's got a lot of Lego.
Can I say, at this point, with all this mention of Lego, and us being the BBC, there are other children's building blocks available.
They're not as good, but there are - There are others.
Sorry, carry on.
- Yes, absolutely.
How often do you go round to his house and play with Lego? I suppose it must be once every two or three weeks.
- How long is a session? - Oh, two or three hours.
And do you free-form, or have you got a kit, that you follow the instructions? - We're building a castle.
- Are you? - A model of a castle.
So this castle - is it an exact replica of your house, or is it? No, it's supposed to look like the Tower of London.
So it's How big is it going to end up being? It's obviously big, isn't it? When it's finished, I think it'll be roughly the size of one of these circles, here.
Wow, and how long's that going to take? As big as that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's big.
Do you have different sections that you work on, or do you work on the same section at the same time? What we've largely done is completed the White Tower, and now we're trying to work out the footprint, if you see what I mean, of the curtain wall.
- I so hope - Quick question, quick question - are you still married? - Er, yes, I am.
- How do you know him? I know him because I made a documentary, - and I met him doing that.
- What was the documentary called? The documentary was called The Pursuit Of Youth.
It was about people who are into childish things as adults.
- And they got YOU to host that? - Yes.
When you approached this Lego building, did everyone believe you? So you told your wife, "I'm going to go and build Lego at Tony's house," and everything was fine? That was all? She seemed to believe me.
- Has Tony got a wife? - I can answer that.
Yes, Tony does have a wife.
What is the name of the person who started Lego? - I don't know.
- Nor do I, so So, Lee's team - is Tony Claudia's helpful handyman, Rhod's musical mate, or David's play pal? Well, David's played this game long enough to know that if he was to put in the phrase, "I was making a telly show," that would be a risk.
Are you following his career? I'm not.
Anybody here following David's career? Anybody? I feel like I saw the trailer for it.
Don't say that, even as a joke.
Really? - No, I saw the trailer.
- THAT was trailered? DEEP VOICE: "This week, on Pursuit Of Youth" IMPERSONATES DAVID: "How's your wife, Tony?" APPLAUSE DEEP VOICE: Join us next week on Pursuit Of Youth.
" - Now, what about Claudia? - I think you're wise, you're clever, you would have thought this through, I feel.
- You would have checked - You think Claudia's wise and clever? - Wise and clever, the two - Have you ever seen her on - the television? Or met her? - No, but I think you have good initiative.
You have very good initiative.
So who do you think it is, Jamie, if you don't think it's Claudia? I mean, I do think it's Claudia, maybe.
I actually - What? - Cos now it's just changed.
- You now think it's Claudia.
- I think it's Claudia.
- I think it's Rhod.
- Oh.
- You're wrong.
- Oh, in that case(!) - No, you could be right.
I'm going with you.
Don't you change your mind! He's already done this.
- I'm easily susceptible.
I want it to be David.
- I want it to be David! I think it's Claudia.
I'm going with Rhod.
- No! - APPLAUSE What's it going to be? Who are you going? She's seen the documentary - David.
- David, all right.
- You'd better have seen this documentary! - I don't Tony, would you please reveal your true identity? My name is Tony, and I drove to Claudia's to fix her electric problem.
GASPS, APPLAUSE YOU SAW THAT TRAILER! Yes, Claudia's helpful handyman.
Thank you very much, Tony.
Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with It's Rhod.
I can't wear normal gloves, because I have an unusual hand.
- Lee.
- Which of the two hands is unusual? That one.
- Could you hold up your unusual hand? - I'll show you some of it.
That is quite an unusual hand.
Is it all gloves, or is it just certain gloves? Do you mean those really odd gloves, with the thumb and the four fingers? - No, cos there are mittens.
- And they're called mittens.
- Yeah, cos that's still a glove.
- No, it's not.
- A mitten's a glove! - No, it's not.
- It is! - Admit it - a mitten is not a glove.
Can I just say? You both seem like two people who aren't quite sure of the real answer.
You're absolutely right.
I'm doubting myself.
You both say it with conviction, but neither of you know the truth.
Well, this might help you - I could wear mittens.
- But I can't wear gloves.
- Ah! - You've got webbed hands.
Have you got webbed hands? Have you got webbed fingers? Yes, I've got webbed fingers.
Have you? Is this why you couldn't play the guitar in Muckspreader? APPLAUSE Apparently.
- I can draw a Well, I haven't got a pen and paper, so I can't.
- OK.
- I have pen and paper.
- Oh, you would have pen and paper, wouldn't you? Are you going to draw round your hand? But not let us see? Draw round your hand, but don't I'll come to you, it's all right, I've got to even it out.
- Have a seat, sir.
Thanks for coming.
- Thank you, sir.
Right, draw it.
Go on.
Draw it.
"Draw it!" Do it! Draw it! - Draw round it, yeah? - Draw round it.
- Rob, you're to witness it, yeah? I'm going to witness it? All right, OK.
He's drawing round his fingers.
Good God.
Let me take it.
Thank you, Rhod.
That must have been very traumatic for you.
- It certainly was.
- This is what Rhod claims is the outline of his hand.
- So only one web on one hand.
- I've known you for 15 years.
You'd have noticed if I had a complete flipper.
- So, what are you going to say, Lee? Is this the truth? - What do we think? What do you think? Well, I'm in the worst position here, because I've known him so long, I can't help thinking I would have known this.
- I weirdly think it's the truth.
- Why? - Well, I feel like it was a very good drawing.
- You think that THAT? - I like it! - Do you not think? Do you not think that, if you didn't have one webbed finger, - that you couldn't have improvised that? - No, because I was assuming it was going to be fake, and they were all going to be webbed, but one being webbed is very If that's his attempt at five webbed ones, he's rubbish at drawing.
OK, what's it going to be, Lee? It's time to decide.
- No, I got it wrong on the trailer.
Don't ask me anything.
- OK.
- So you don't know? - It's a lie.
- You think it's a lie? - It's a lie.
I got David wrong, so I think we should ignore me.
- You do it.
- Ignore me.
So your advice is, "I'm not sure, I don't know, maybe a lie," - and, "Ignore me".
- Ignore me! I've really got the winning team this week, haven't I(?) - So what's it going to be? - Let's go for lie.
- Lie.
- Lie.
It's got to be a lie.
I would have noticed his Saying it's a lie.
Rhod, was it the truth, or was it a lie? - GASPS, APPLAUSE - Let me see it! Let's see it! LEE SHRIEKS BUZZER SOUNDS And that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.
I can reveal that David's team have won by four points to one.
APPLAUSE Thank you for watching.
Goodnight.