You're The Worst (2014) Episode Scripts

N/A - Born Dead

- Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
- What's wrong? Oh never mind.
I thought Lena Dunham's dog died.
It's just my aunt's.
Heather's pregnant.
- Who? - Heather, she's pregnant.
- Holy shit.
- Who's Heather? Heather.
Yeah, I understand it's a name commonly given to human women in the '80s, but I have no idea who Heather is.
Oh, my God.
- Ow! - How do you not know who Heather is? Heather of "Heather, Gretchen, Bernadette, Justine, and Cory.
" My main crew, my girls.
I've never heard of any of these people.
Heather used to work with Justine.
But not Tattoo Justine, Ecstasy Justine.
And Bernadette used to date Rose's boyfriend when they were in that band together, and then she started dating Rose.
And Cory was the bartender at Pistol where we used to drink all the time because they had great trance night and even better cocaine.
I've literally never heard any of those words from you before.
Except cocaine.
I can't believe she's pregnant again.
What a dummy.
I wonder how much abobos even cost these days.
I should offer to go with her.
We could get post-abobo Mani-pedis.
Oh, Gretchen, you don't need to pretend you have friends.
What? I have friends.
No, there's nothing wrong with not having friends.
I don't.
You don't have any friends? Nope, friends are for babies.
Even my grandma has tons of friends.
You never outgrow the need to feel connected to people.
Nah, not me.
So if you're so close, why haven't I met any of these "girls"? I haven't seen 'em in a couple months.
Been super busy.
Yeah, with my dick.
Sorry, I've been doing a lot of online gaming.
I'm in a war with this autistic kid from Sweden who keeps blocking me on Instagram.
Oh, you're on Instagram? Yeah, mostly I just use it to stalk Vernon.
His photos are tragic.
Ooh, I want to see.
Did he get a selfie stick? What the ? - What did you just do? - I accidentally liked his photo.
Oh, quick, uh, unlike it.
Goddamn it, woman! I did it really fast.
I'm sure he didn't even notice.
Oh, my God! Finally happened! Sorry about that.
Yeah, so turns out, you're gonna lose the leg.
You're so lucky you live near water.
You live half a mile from the ocean.
Ugh, seagulls, sand dollars.
Fat people in blankets drinking orange soda.
No thanks, ocean.
Ooh, another dick pic.
And forwarded.
Online dating is so fun.
Who are you forwarding them to? This gay porn site pays me ten bucks a dick.
I have a job.
Ew, whose pee stick is that? Heather, she got herself knocked up again.
You know, "Heather, Bernadette, Justine, Cory.
" Oh, yeah.
I haven't seen those basic hos in a minute.
Probably 'cause you went into hiding on the west side where no cool girls deign to go.
Well, I'm back in the real world and crushing this dick pic game.
Well, I'm glad.
I was a little worried about you after Paul left.
I'm not gonna lie.
It's hard when you reach over in the morning and there's no one there except for the sandwich you fell asleep eating.
You need closure from that nerd.
You know what? I'm gonna have a party.
Reconnect with my girls, throw down old-school like we used to.
I've been looking to rub Paul's face in how dope I look and how fun my life is.
Inviting him to a get-together where I'm smooching some Tinder rando is a perfect way to do it.
It's not a "get-together," it's a party.
My girls don't do "get-togethers.
" Par-tay.
Par-tay Excuse me! You dropped something! No, it's more to the left.
I really think Lindsay is beginning to consider me, you know? - Sexually.
- Ugh.
I was wondering if I should make a move.
That's a terrible idea.
That's exactly what I thought, because she's still married.
That's not what I meant.
I mean, I come from a family of honor.
Well, directly, I come from a family of home invaders, identity thieves and, in my Uncle Xavier's case, the butt-stabber of San Pasqual.
But my lineage is one of honor, and so to clean the deck ethically, I'm gonna ask Paul for permission to pursue his wife.
Please videotape that exchange.
That way, I'll be free to put the moves on Lindsay at our party.
What party? Gretchen's throwing a party for her girls.
I never agreed to a party.
We proxy-voted you.
You lost two-to-one.
Wait, if you didn't know about the party, why'd you think we bought all this alcohol? Oh, great, now I have to go back to the store for my stuff.
How nice of you to visit my little backyard Shangri-la.
Wh-Whose house is this? My biking buddy Connor.
His wife Mimi died recently, and I wanted to make sure he wasn't alone.
What happened? Recumbent bikes have many good qualities, but they're sometimes hard to see from up high.
Oh, no.
The driver of the semi never knew she was there.
Poor thing was dragged three miles.
You've never seen Connor pedal so fast.
He kept motioning frantically for the truck to stop, but the driver thought he wanted him to honk.
She was actually alive until the semi got on the freeway.
Well, that's the most terrible story Sad thing is, Mimi didn't want to go out that day because her safety flag had been stolen outside the junior high.
But Connor told her they could stop at the bike store after they raced to Starbucks for tea.
Uh, please give my condolences to Con The really sad thing is that Connor wanted to let Mimi win because her impetigo had been flaring up again.
That's the only reason she reached the intersection first.
I don't need to hear every The extra sad thing is, the whole time she was being dragged towards the on-ramp, she was texting Connor.
Her phone still accessible in its holder on the handlebars, you see? I saw the texts.
They're quite chilling.
You had something you wanted to talk about? Yeah, I have to be up front with you.
I'm gonna go after your woman.
Please don't go after Amy.
Oh, uh, no.
- Lindsay.
- Oh.
Well I'm actually glad to hear she's moving on.
Now I can move Amy out of the Days Inn.
Then it's a win-win.
Few of those in this world.
Tea time's always hardest for Connor.
My date tonight is everything Paul isn't.
He's tall, he's thin, he's dumb.
And he's fun, too.
He spells "titties" with a "Z.
" You're so getting murdered.
I know.
Um, excuse me.
Excu Hello.
Can you read? Why is Killian bartending? Oh, while I was unloading the car, he snuck up on me and said that things were scary because his parents were taking some time apart.
Then he asked if we were having a party.
He caught me at a weak moment.
So you put him to work? What? I'm supposed to just let him mingle at an adult gathering? Good point.
I am so stoked for you to meet my girls! - Ugh.
- They're super hard-core.
Bernadette is such a lush.
And no shit, I wouldn't be surprised if Justine tried to blow you.
She bangs everyone's boyfriends.
Then she's super apologetic about it.
This party's gonna be so dope.
I thought it was a get-together.
We have a bartender.
Oh, no.
Gretchen, I've been catfished.
Oh, buddy.
He's actually a nine-year-old boy.
His stepmom caught him sexting with some other skank, and she wrote to me.
No wonder he didn't know how to spell titties.
What am I gonna do now? Paul is coming; I'm gonna look like such a loser.
How old are you? Sorry, ma'am, I'm working.
They're here.
Bitches! Oh.
Shh Whoa, did you bring your own pony keg to the party? You drunk.
It's a baby.
Oh, why do you have a baby? Because I had a baby.
You're not still pregnant, are you? I think so.
Ew, I'm sorry.
I hate that.
I mean, if you're willing to drive to Whittier, there's this place you can just walk in.
It's right near a Marie Callender's.
We can make a day of it.
- What are you drinking? - I'm not.
I mean, if you're getting rid of it Oh Huh.
Where's Cory? She hit a bit of a rough patch.
What's going on? We're "Heather, Gretchen, Bernadette, Justine and Cory.
" None of us have actually had much time to hang in a while, so this is like a mini-reunion for us, too.
Well please tell me you're still a total alcoholic.
Of course.
- Thank God.
- I do.
Every day.
Jesus Christ.
We're out of chips.
Uh Listen, I've been thinking a lot about what happened the other night.
- What happened? - Well, I know that I was "taking photos" of you for "dating purposes" with "guys who have a lot of money and/or giant hogs " You memorized my profile.
Look, Lindsay, I'm in a really good place right now.
I feel strong and ever since you got separated from - Paul.
- Right, Paul.
- So I - Hello, Lindsay.
- Hey - Hello, Paul.
Look, Lindsay, we didn't want to ambush you, but, uh What the farts? Hi, Lindsay.
Listen, I'd never want to make you feel uncomfortable at your own party.
Paul told me you'd be okay with this, but eek, you know? I'd feel better if I heard it from the ol' horse's mouth.
Are you calling me an old horse? And scout's honor, if you want us to skedaddle, well, we'll get skedaddlin'.
Well it might have been a little weird, but ever since this happened, any jealous bone has left my body.
Old bone out, new bone in.
I'm Amy Cadingle.
Edgar Quintero.
- Lindsay's honey.
- Mm-hmm.
That means "for the win.
" Hey! There you are.
I got your message on my 'Gram.
Received loud and clear.
Oh, goddamn it, Gretchen.
I don't know what it is about us that our relaish keeps going south.
Maybe we just have too much in common.
We have nothing in common.
We're like Hall & Oates.
There's clearly frisson between them, you know? And maybe it's the electricity of two alphas that's caused them to churn out the finest catalog of hits in pop history.
So let's get past all this nonsense and make our "Method of Modern Love.
" That isn't even one of their better songs.
You're right.
It's their best song.
We have a great rapport.
You should do my podcast.
Jimmy! Great party! I have a girlfriend.
It wasn't really my intention to get into education, but when I substituted that first day, it just kind of clicked.
Remember when you had that birthday party and we locked you in your bedroom 'cause you were yelling at your guests and threatening suicide by cop? Mmm.
And then you climbed out the fire escape and came back in the front and yelled, "I'm back, cocksuckers!" That was hilarious! That was mortifying, - actually.
- It's a great story.
I have enough of those to last a lifetime.
Seriously, thanks for inviting us to your get-together.
- Party.
- It seems more like a get-together.
It's a goddamn party Okay, Gretchen.
Oh, my God.
Cory! Thank God you're here.
How are you? Need A Drink status.
That's better.
'Sup? Hi, Cor.
What's that? It's my baby.
And I'm gonna go over here.
Nice to see you, Cory.
Cor, I'm pregnant.
Could you not Not smoke at a party? No, I cannot not smoke at a party.
Can you not bring your unborn tummy worm to a party? Gretchen invited us, offspring and all.
I didn't actually invite babies, - per se.
- Mega-burn.
Well, I guess I'm going over there, too.
I mean I am so glad you're here.
They are so different, it's insane.
Could I have one of those? A dollar.
Are you serious? Shit, yeah.
It's 2015, bitch, and EBT ain't even trying to let me buy smokes anymore.
Never mind.
So what was that all about? Heather thinks I stole her stereo, suspicious-ass bitch.
- Oh, my God, that's crazy.
- I know.
I just borrowed it.
I was totally gonna get it back from the pawnshop and then she got all aggro, and I was like, screw that.
That no-trusting-ass bitch.
It was just on principle.
Plus, I had this dog and it bit this kid in the face and that was a whole thing, so it's not like I wasn't gonna get high.
So whose house is this? Mine.
All right, now tell me whose nut I should suck on.
I got kicked out of the shelter again for fighting.
The amazing thing about 3D puzzles is that they force you to use multiple axes of your cerebral cortex.
Me habla puzzles.
Right? Ooh, boy.
According to my life-logging app, I haven't consumed this much alcohol since after Mimi's funeral.
Don't worry.
I shall "boot and rally.
" Hate that dork.
Why's he got to ruin puzzles with a third "D"? Want to game it up? Sure.
People think Joss Whedon sold out when he did "The Avengers", but that's like saying Hugh Howey should have never expanded "Wool" from a Kindle Single to a full novel.
"8:23 p.
"Color: off-white.
Contents: beer comma hiking gorp.
" And there you are, honey.
What's that? What are you doing with your hands? Sorry.
It's ASL.
I work as an interpreter.
My parents are both deaf.
Sometimes I don't even notice I'm doing it.
I'm learning, too.
He's a natural.
Ah, somebody's slurring! Hey, Gretchen, thanks again, but it's kind of late for us.
Don't leave.
I-I'm sorry.
I know it's been, like, almost a year since I last reached out.
It's been over three years.
It has? Really? It's okay.
You know, things change.
That's God's business, not ours.
Come on.
Let's go out some night soon, just the four of us.
Really catch up.
You can get a babysitter.
Dump the kid, we can party like we used to.
The thing is, Gretchen, I don't want to dump the kid.
You'll understand someday.
Bye, sweetheart.
Hey, I made more mashed potato savory cupcakes.
I'm not hungry.
Edgar, I'm sorry.
For what? For using you to try to make Paul jealous.
Amy's great.
Crazy boring and, yeah, she has that thing with her eye, but she's nice.
And you're nice.
And Paul is nice and I'm well not.
I think you're great No, I'm materialistic.
I'm incapable of being alone.
I never really learned how to shower that good.
I almost always forget to flush the toilet What are you doing? Sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Good thinking.
He's watching.
Kiss me harder.
It's just like I told Gretchen.
Friends are for babies.
And just because I fell in feces and all the kids called me "Shitty Jimmy," and I was the smartest kid in my class, that has nothing to do with why I don't need friends.
Jimmy, I want to tell you something.
I was born dead.
Sorry, what? No pulse.
Totally blue.
I died for, like, 15 minutes.
Then Bam! Alive.
You should've seen the priest's face.
If I could change just one thing about myself, it'd be that I was born alive.
But you know what I realized? When it comes down to it, we're all born dead.
It's only through other people, through friends, that we become alive.
Not a last-second mucus vacuum.
Thanks, man.
I love you so much.
Get out.
I know it makes a lot of people uncomfortable, but you'll see, I am just like everybody else.
- Mmm.
- Oh.
Thanks for letting me come to your party, Jimmy.
You're a really good friend.
Oh, goddamn it.
How'd it go with your girls? They're not my girls anymore.
You were right.
Friends are dumb.
I told you.
Those basic hos are super basic.
Ooh That's nice.
I didn't know things had changed so much.
I just want to go dancing like we used to.
Just one more time.
No, thanks.
I'll go dancing with you.
You will? Okay! Let's go! Ooh I mean we have booze and music.
We can just dance here.
That sounds perfect.
Oh, God.
Where's the stereo? 'Sup, short round? Want to buy a dope-ass retro turntable? Comes with most of the wires.
I only made six dollars tonight.
Simple-ass midget.