You're The Worst (2014) Episode Scripts

N/A - All About That Paper

Ooh, that smells good.
I'm starving.
Actually, this isn't for you.
I made you guys something else.
Scrambled eggs? A dish so pedestrian its name is the recipe? Yeah, what's the other thing? I want that.
Oh, this? This is nothing.
Just something I'm throwing together for my veterans group.
This is breakfast lasagna.
That's Lindsay's favorite dish.
You don't have to lie about your feelings for her.
- Really? - Shit yeah.
We're really invested in this.
We want this to happen.
- Aw, thanks, guys.
- 'Cause whatever happens, it's gonna be hilarious.
This is like TV for us.
Either they'll be banging like zoo monkeys or even better she rejects him.
- All right, guys.
- What if they got married? Then he'd be married to Lindsay.
I think I've got it.
Oh, my God, their kids are gonna be so dumb.
They'll be like, "Hey, let's order some heroin.
" "H-How do you use a phone?" So what do you do today? Well, my agent called.
I have a meeting with Jonathan R.
Strasburg.
Author of Brunching with Vagabonds.
The Milkweed of July? In Keeping with Clem? So what's the meeting for? Well, why would any author want to meet with another author? 'Cause they admire their work.
He liked your book? Yeah, a lot of people liked my book.
You've seen the review.
The thing on the wall where you live.
You walk by it every day.
Oh, you really put in the bare minimum effort being a girlfriend, don't you? Work smart, not hard, Jimmy.
Anyway, he's looking for someone to help him on his new project.
Shouldn't you be working on your own book? Yeah, I am.
But not all of us have the luxury of just paying rent whenever we feel like it or, say, not at all.
Why would I pay you rent? It's your house.
Your ability to bend semantics to best fit your financial interests is quite impressive.
I'm all about that paper.
I got to go.
Check in later? Sorry, check in? I didn't mean it like that Never mind.
Oh, I must know what Gretchen's doing.
I haven't spoken to her in minutes.
- Shut up.
- Hey! Just checking in.
I was out of your sight briefly.
I'll, uh, text you again at the end of the driveway.
Jesus Christ.
I'm gonna leave you anyway I'm gonna leave you anyway Gonna leave you anyway.
It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't and probably won't experience it, but, oh, Lindsay, pregnancy is so magical.
I mean, my skin is glowing.
My nails are so strong, and I just have this deep inner well of peace and tranquility.
Vernon, you idiot.
Do you really want the baby to inhale those fumes? Use your brain.
God! Anyway, I am so glad I could loan my husband out to you.
Must be so hard not having a man around.
I don't know.
I just don't want to be one of those girls who settles for some doofus frat boy just because their butt's starting to sag and their upper arms chunk out.
Anyway, I got a sign that my Paulywog still has feelings for me.
Yo, can I get this popcorn catalogue? Which says a lot, considering he's with someone as great as Amy.
She a'ight.
What does the clerk's office want with you? Ooh, honey, did you patent an invention? Right? Holy shit, that nerd's 'vorcin' you.
Nice, Paul grew some balls.
You got served, literally.
All right, I'm gonna kick it under that tree and look at this popcorn catalogue real quick.
_ _ Hey, guys.
- Where's Sam? - Who knows? One day he's promoting some new MMA fighter, the next he's opening up a bespoke tailoring shop downtown.
Last week, he didn't even show up to the studio, so instead of letting that time go to waste, we cut our own shit to drop online.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Well, you don't just drop it online.
We'll build some word-of-mouth buzz, I'll leak it to Stereogum Uh, we-we uploaded it this morning.
Yeah, we need you to go let Sam know for us.
He's gonna be so mad.
Last time he was mad, he cried for a week.
Then he burned down my mom's tool shed.
Now she's keeping all her rakes in the kitchen like a chump.
Fine.
By the way, you guys are now separate clients, so you will be billed separately.
But hey, you're paying for the best in the business.
_ _ OPEC price manipulation.
Putanesca! Hanging roller coasters.
Rafael Nadal.
What do they all have in common? Um Plutocracy.
It's the father of meta-modernism.
Just got off the phone with Bill Maher.
He was talking for, like, a half hour, but I think I got the gist.
Sit.
Go.
Sell me.
Tell me what you know about.
Oh, okay.
Um well, you won the National Book Award in 2009.
You were accepted to Harvard but instead rode sh-shipping containers for three years, - and - Read.
Uh, F-sharp.
Wow, I mean, it's-it's powerful.
Really vividly wrought.
Critique me.
Okay, uh, well, the, um, image of the endless Costco aisles seems somewhat derivative of DeLillo.
Get out.
I don't understand.
Get the hell out! Jesus, fine.
Weirdo.
Oh, calm down, calm down, calm down.
A guy tells you to leave, and you mope away like Mike Torrez after he gave away that home run to Bucky Dent in '78? Come on.
Come on.
Let me take you to lunch.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Great.
You're driving.
I'm on a shit-ton of pills right now.
I counted to ten, and then I just said, "Cheryl, I will get those to you right after Derek's birthday cake in the break room.
" And you know what? She said, "Okay.
" Okay.
Uh, okay, uh, Edgar, why don't you share with us? What happened with the mystery girl you were thinking of pursuing? Well, um, I-I-I talked about it with some friends, and they don't think it's a good idea, so Okay.
Uh, well, thank you for sharing.
Arg, Captain.
Methinks I found a way out.
Good.
Because we can't spend the rest of our lives inside the belly of this whale.
Aye, and it looks like this tight, round hole is the exit.
Ah, I better go first.
Aye, sir, but remember what happened last time.
You should be exiting through it, not putting your penis in it.
Okay.
Okay.
So what we just did there was completely improvised.
Which means we did not plan it beforehand at all.
Isn't that great? We have a special treat for you guys today.
This is Nathan and Nathan.
People call me Tall Nathan.
Well, Nathan and Tall Nathan are from a local comedy school.
And they're going to be teaching us a lesson in improv.
Studies show that this can help with trauma-induced anxiety.
We know what you've all been through, and we're sensitive to it.
Okay, let's start.
Who wants to play a gay banana? I was born on the wrong side of the tracks Leave my home and I never plan on coming back My best shits are always here.
I have no idea why.
Wendy, can I get a couple more shrimp cocktails? Do you think maybe we should discuss the job? Relax.
You're so inhibited.
Listen, writing isn't sitting behind a computer.
Writing is experiencing things, living.
Look, some of the best writers in the world have never written a word.
You want to write? Here.
Start by getting yourself a lap dance.
Go ahead.
Go on.
No, no, no, no, no.
Not that one she's kind of my strip club wife.
All right, good boy.
Hey.
Do you want to get a lap dance with me? Oh, hell yeah, I do.
No, no, no, no, the one with the C-section scar.
Which one? I'm so smart, I got nothing on my mind I've got zero to-dos And that's just fine.
What the hell is this? Legal termination of marriage contract? And what I'm sorry what-what is irr irrec irr Irreconcilable differences.
It means that things are so broken that they can't be fixed.
Like when you put all those pennies down the garbage disposal.
We had sex last week.
Yes, Paul told me.
We have no secrets.
Stop doing that.
What are you saying about me? I'm going to go check on Conor.
He's been pretty depressed.
I'm afraid he's going to pet that poor dog bald.
I saw you watching me kiss Edgar at the get-together.
We both felt it.
I'm gonna get you back.
No, Lindsay.
You're really not.
Have fun having hand sex with your girlfriend in the woods.
If you must know, I'm able to finish with her regular! Sam? _ _ Sam? What's going on? Why'd you rebuild your panic fort? If you were abandoned and left for dead by your best friends, you might do the same.
You just gonna hang out in your fort all day? Does it look like I'm just hanging out? I already recorded a response diss track.
And it is brutal.
Turns out, Honey Nutz rhymes with Honey Butts! Okay, before you do anything, just don't upload it to the - Too late.
- All right, that's it.
I'm organizing a sit-down between the three of you.
You do not tell me what to do, Gretch! I'm a man.
I'm a full-grown, shave-every-day, went-to-Tokyo-by-myself man.
Fine.
Hey, why don't we go get something to eat, huh? My treat.
Any restaurant you want.
Nobu? Any cheap diner you want.
Um, okay, you, blue shirt.
Why don't you come up and tag on in? Yeah, come on.
Thank you.
All right.
And go.
Well, since there aren't any lions, I guess we'll just have to train all these elephants! Th Then I think we're gonna need a bigger shovel.
Good thinking! Unfortunately, all I have is this fork.
Um uh, w um I'm sorry.
I don't think I'm very good at this.
Look, you're fine.
Remember, never bail out.
When you're scared, just trust your instincts.
Okay.
Um Thanks for the fork.
Unfortunately, I've been using my hands.
Wow.
_ Oh, hell no! Just give me five minutes.
How much do I do for you? I buy your drugs.
I got your mom into that condo.
I stopped you from investing in Sufjan Stevens' broth restaurant.
Five minutes.
- And I'm taking my chicken tendies to go.
- Okay.
I heard your song.
Yeah, that was real low, telling the world about my fake nut.
I should have said you have no nuts, recording tracks behind my back! Treating me like you Salt-N-Pepa and I'm Spinderella and shit! Spinderella would never hack a brother's Netflix queue! I had, like, 500 things I wanted to watch.
Now the only thing I can remember is Peaky Blinders.
Hey, hey! What happened to you guys? Working together used to be, like, your favorite thing to do.
All you did was skate and record and throw ice at the guy handing out Jimmy Kimmel tickets.
You guys were like brothers, living together in that one-bedroom in Venice.
You all take turns between the bed, the couch, and the baby pool filled with pillows.
Remember when I got blown in that pool by the UCLA German professor? "Your penis was at achtung!" See? You guys make an awesome team.
I'm sorry.
- Yeah, that was mean of us.
- Me, too, man.
- All there? - Yeah.
- Wait.
- Bitch, you just made an eloquent speech that I greatly appreciated.
Flip the table and storm out.
This table's a classic.
I will do no such thing.
Pitchfork just posted a whole thing on your beef.
It's blowing up.
For real? Guys, this has gone too far! Threatening each other's lives? Telling each other to suck each other's dicks?! Well, if these bitches do not suck my dick sometime in the immediate future, I will kill they asses! W-Well, well, my-my schedule is too full from writing dope raps to suck your dick! Yeah! And Jaclyn and I recently decided to become exclusive, so I don't think she would appreciate me sucking your dick! Just knock some shit over.
- Rap beef! Rap beef! - Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
We out of here we out of here, 'Stain.
_ Oh, my God, I was so scared.
_ What are we doing here? Gazing into the darkness, seeing if it gazes back.
Hi, Mommy.
This is Jimmy.
He's my new friend.
- Jimmy, talk to her for a bit.
- Oh, uh Uh, Mrs.
Strasburg, your son is a really big influence on me.
You must be very proud.
Oh, this room is quite nice, I must say.
Ooh.
Shh, shh.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Oh, it's like a glove full of pencils.
"I do not know which to prefer, "the beauty of inflections or the beauty of innuendos, the blackbird whistling or just after.
" Wallace Stevens.
Who are you, and why are you holding my mother's hand? I stole some checkers from the rec room.
Just making a little chaos.
What the hell was that? - That wasn't your mum, was it? - No, no.
She's, uh she's back in Boca.
How long were you talking to that old lady, you weirdo? I'm going home.
I read your book.
It's amazing.
I loved how Colm, the father, never took the top all the way off his cans of beans, details that say so much while saying so little.
No one else ever picked up on that.
Not even Steeb Corniglia.
That's because nobody else really understood it.
I loved your relentlessly aggressive prosaic style.
I can help you bludgeon your fear, teach you to write a book that will make those smug bastards and castrating bitches come crawling back, knees bloodied, begging for forgiveness.
I would kill to see that.
But I don't know.
Look, I need some help researching this book.
Here's a little advance in good faith.
What do you say? You in? - I think - Good.
Good! Good, good day! I'll see you tomorrow.
Make a little chaos.
Hey! I'm a writer! - Russell Fleischer.
- It's Jimmy.
Strasburg loved my book.
Great.
So you're taking the job? Hell no.
I, Jimmy Shive-Overly, will not be some has-been's lackey.
That'd be like Thomas Keller making the donkey sauce for Guy Fieri's taco burgers.
No, I'm gonna write a new novel, for I am a writer.
So you don't need the extra work? Well, of course I do.
Look, I'm drowning over here.
Just-just find me something else.
Do your job, man.
So what were the checkers for? He told me to "make a little chaos.
" What a douche.
I mean, he wanted me to think he was this eccentric genius who could mentor me.
But, you know what, I read some of his book.
It was rubbish, and he knows it.
I mean, I think he just wants to vampire me because he thinks I'm a I'm a fresh new voice.
And you know what? I am.
And modest, too.
He did give me a wad of money though.
Oh, I just wrote you a check for six months' rent.
But I guess you don't really need it n-now.
And deposited.
So, how was your day? Oh, my God, I have so much to tell you.
See? Aren't you glad we decided not to "check in" with each other? No kidding.
So, I'd basically given up on this Jolly Rancher, but then out of the corner of my eye Hi.
Is this Bear Stearns? I'm looking for Mr.
Bear.
I have some extra money to invest.
Do you have any suggestions? The sound investment is honey! You're so funny.
You can't invest in honey.
Yes, you can.
I know I did, when I married you.
Lindsay, there's something I've been meaning to tell you.
Um, I'm sort of busy right now.
Well, it's just that - Uh, Lindsay, how do I say this? - Do you mind maybe just texting me later? Wait, but I Shit! "Never bail out.
" Hot! Oh Lay off me, would you? I'm just trying to take this new skin For a spin Pray for me, would you? I'm just nervous 'bout my family Falling in Ready to wrap me up Ready to love me in this New skin I'm filling in I am a tired woman In January I will just be 23