You're The Worst (2014) Episode Scripts

N/A - There Is Not Currently a Problem

Aw, damn it.
You're you.
I was having the most amazing dream where you were you, but also you were Janis Joplin.
But now you're just you.
You're sexually attracted to Janis Joplin? I don't know.
That is kind of concerning.
Anyway, you, Janis and me, and my year four teacher, Mr.
Freer, were on a road trip.
- Nope.
- What? - No dreams.
- No, that's for other people.
My dreams are amazing.
Fine, then you're not allowed to talk about random dogs you see.
But what if he's a little cowboy wearing a bandana? Right.
I am gonna go hop in the shower, and then it's Bloody Mary time.
It's Sunday.
Why are you showering? Oh, still having weird feelings about Janis Joplin.
Figured I'd go sort them out in there.
Hey, so, um you know last night, when you were crying in your car all good now, right? Yeah, totally.
I'm fine.
Okay, good.
Right, then.
Hakuna matata.
Did you just quote The Lion King to me? The lion what? No, it's a it's a Swahili phrase.
No, I know th Are you sure you're not quoting something? Just Khalid, the kabob shop owner in my old neighborhood.
I mean, the phrase doesn't translate easily to English, but it means that there is not currently a problem.
So would you say it's a problem-free philosophy? That's a tad simplistic, but Okay, so it's like no worries for the rest of your days? Oh, Gretchen, Gretchen.
The East Africans live very much in the moment, so it's not a guarantee of smooth sailing forever.
That's just childish.
But you know what? If you'd like to be really positive about it, sure.
Hakuna matata, for the rest of your days.
I'm gonna leave you anyway I'm gonna leave you anyway Gonna leave you anyway.
Oh! Hey.
You must be Gretchen.
I'm Edgar's friend, Dorothy.
You know what I was realizing? We both have really old-timey names.
Isn't that hilarious? It's like, Dorothy and Gretchen Both sipping egg cream Dorothy and Gretchen Hiding a man in a closet.
Ah, I know you.
- Oh, you do? - Yeah.
You're a theater girl.
Morning.
Have you met Dorothy? Oh, yeah, I already made up a song.
Dorothy and Gretchen Both getting stricken by polio.
Yeah, Janis was a no-go.
Pivoted to Grace Slick at the last second, so it wasn't a total waste.
Hi, Jimmy.
Jimmy, this is Dorothy.
R-Remember? From Hey, Put That Down Brian? Oh, yes! Dorothy, of course! Dorothy.
Lovely to see you.
Remember, I was the one that suggested pet cemetery for that incest scene? Of course.
Yes, we've been hanging out lately, so that's why she's here.
Great.
So Oh, right.
Uh, yes.
And I'm sorry, I haven't had time to go shopping.
Ugh, I'm starving.
Let's go to the diner.
Fine.
Yeah, that's not gonna happen, guys.
- What are you talking about? - Don't you know what day it is? Hint: it's the worst driving day in Los Angeles.
Oh, is it sprinkling? The Christmas parade? Obama's on Kimmel again? The march for the Armenian thing? Bicycles taking over the street day? Elmo fight outside the Chinese Theater? - Aah! The marathon is today.
- Oh.
Oh, my God.
They still do that? Well, I guess we're just gonna have to be stuck here all day.
No, we can't be! We're adults.
We can walk! Okay.
What are we, New Yorkers? Oh, fuggedaboutit.
Let's walk and get a pizza bagel with Mayor Giuliani.
No.
Do you know what, it's fine.
We'll just.
.
take it easy and, uh, wait this thing out.
I know.
Beans on toast.
Sounds disgusting, but on the spectrum of English cooking, I would put it up there with cabbage bread and lung pudding.
Edgar, what have you done to the bread bag? Oh, that was probably the mouse.
The mouse? What mouse?! We have a mouse?! I think he lives in the laundry room.
No, the-the garage.
He made a-a little nest out of Jimmy's unsold books.
Sorry, let me get this straight.
We have a mouse crawling through the food that we ingest, and not only do you two know about it, but you're absolutely unbothered? - He's kind of cute.
- Yeah, if he's not bothering anyone, who cares that he's here? I do! Me! The person in whose house you all live, which now, apparently, includes vermin! Right, breakfast is canceled, because due to your staggering apathy about living with the actual cause of the plague itself, I will be busy evicting this mouse! I'll help.
You sure you're okay? Yeah.
I'm amazing.
You guys have fun.
Dancing to no music.
Oh, no! Hey, it's really cool of you to let Dorothy crash here.
Oh, yeah, thanks for reminding me.
I was too upset about the mouse to properly yell.
In what world is a freeloader allowed to invite someone else to stay? That'd be like Kato Kaelin inviting someone to live in an even tinier little guest house.
So what do you think of Dorothy? Why would you care what people think of your girlfriend? Gretchen's a lunatic of whom I should be profoundly ashamed, and yet I'm not.
That maniac goes out in the middle of the night to cry in her car, and I'm like, "Live and let live.
" That's where she's been going? Yeah, ap-apparently, it's sort of her thing.
Whatever.
Hakuna matata.
Ah, no worries.
Yeah, it's slightly more nuanced than that, but, yeah, essentially.
Um, are we gonna stop doing this at some point? I got shin issues.
Don't know.
Hey, you want to do an Avocadon't? Nope.
It's this dumb thing I do on Vine.
- Nope! - Yeah, my most popular one is where I try to breast-feed one and then I burp it and guacamole flies everywhere.
- Nope! - Hey, I'm gonna go grab an avocado.
- I brought a bunch in my bag.
- Nope, no, no, no! Aah! Lindsay! Thank God! We're dancing! Oh, my God, Gretch, it is literally 'Nam out there.
There was so much traffic, I got through three whole episodes of the Just Farts podcast, and then I got to the thing, and they wouldn't let me through the people, so I abandoned my car and walked past the people and they yelled at me.
And then some Asian boy gave me a cup of Gatorade, which was weird.
And then I walked all the way here, uphill.
And then I died.
I'm dead.
- Talking about the marathon? - I guess.
Whatever.
I just had to get out of Becca's stupid house.
She makes me put the seat down when I pee.
- What are you doing at Becca's house? - Wow.
Gretch, you are really out of the loop these days.
I'm staying there because I don't have any power, but Becca's driving me insane with "baby" this and "her bump" that.
Also, Vernon honked my boob.
Oh, my God, is that your real voice? Who's the rando? Don't know.
Theater girl.
She was here when I woke up.
Lindsay! Did you meet Dorothy? She's crashing with me for a while.
- What? - Uh, yeah.
Anyway, you guys would probably like each other a lot.
You both like naps.
Dorothy, tell Lindsay about that nap you took the other day.
I napped in a sunbeam.
See? Anyway, I'm gonna go get Jimmy some gloves.
It's, uh, it's not going well.
You guys, traffic is banonkers.
I had to ditch the Beemer and hoof it up here.
Do you know your car is parked in the middle of Alvarado? I could tell it was yours from the wine bottle in the cup holder.
- Who's the rando? - Oh, Dorothy.
I have a patient named Dorothy.
She's 92.
Oh, shit.
I forgot.
She died last week.
Osteoporos.
Her entire skeleton basically liquefied.
Girls, drink your milk.
And 1.
3% of men.
I need to talk to you, solamente.
Come on, theater girl! And five and six and seven and eight! I hear 'em say it is what it is Bed booze! Why didn't I think of that? What do you want, Vernon? Please don't tell Becca what happened in the man cave last night.
Oh, that? Whatever.
It felt good.
- I won't tell.
- Really? Okay.
Shit, you are one chill lady.
That is a relief.
I just - feel so lonely lately.
- I said I won't tell.
Bec and I used to have so much fun, but when I come home now, I can never win, 'cause she's talking about how she's harnessing the very power of life itself, so who gives a crap if I just made it so some old biddy will be able to plant bulbs next spring? And really, let's be honest, Bec is just milking this shit so she can be a 24/7 snack monster and Jabba all over the place.
She won't even let me do her anymore 'cause she's afraid the baby might come out wack.
Shit! I don't want some wack-ass baby, but I have needs.
Anyway, I appreciate your staying discreet.
- I promise.
- Okay, cool.
You want me to give you some money? - What? - Just take some cash.
It'll make me feel better.
Okay.
That feels really good.
I mean, it feels good to get that stuff off my chest.
Click your heels, click your heels Click your heels, now work it, work it - Why are we dancing? - Gretchen's doing it.
It's your boy Trace on Fire, 103! We got Honey Nutz and S-stain with a response to Sam Dresden's dis track.
This is "Phony Hawk.
" Yeah, these are my boys! Oh, I'm a P.
R.
genius.
- So the feud's working? - Yeah! Maybe a little too well.
Ooh! Jesus, these lyrics are mean! Sam's so gonna fire me.
Whatever.
Jobs are dumb.
Hakuna matata! So, what do you think of Dorothy? Pretty great, huh? She a'ight.
Where's the mouse?! It ran in here! Hello? Why is no one helping me catch this mouse? You need a mouse? Shit, we got, like, hundreds of them in the lab at work; I'll jack you all the mice you need.
You're all just dancing, like some uncoordinated doomsday cult, while vermin run around unchecked.
And why are Vernon and Lindsay here? Right? I ran through the people.
Please, will everyone be quiet for one goddamn minute! I think it's under the fridge.
Gretchen, why don't you come help me.
Comin' at ya! Hummus? No.
Hold this.
Hey.
So, what's up with you? Taking apart a fridge, looking for a mouse.
Yeah, but why? Is it fun? Why is this mouse such a big deal? I just want to catch the mouse.
- There's no greater significance to it.
- Oh.
My childhood home had mice.
I thought nothing of it.
One day, my mate Daniel spent the night, and he woke up to a mouse chewing on his nipple.
From then on, everybody called me Mouse Boy.
My dad, even and it was his disgusting house.
See, that's the thing about my father Oh, God.
So then, in the next scene, Dorothy switched from playing the pet shop owner to being one of the cats, and she coughed up a giant hairball.
It was so gross.
Oh, my God, that's hilarious! Hey, Dorothy, you got to teach me something.
I bet I'd be real good at improv.
I once made a patient laugh so hard, she peed all over the table.
I mean, she was 89, and her pelvic floor was wack, but yeah.
Sure, okay.
Um, we could start with a simple mirroring exercise.
So, pretend that you're my reflection.
Okay.
No, mirror me.
Ha! Can't fool me everything's backwards in a mirror.
Eh, okay, um Are you mad at me? No.
Why? I just feel like we had a connection that was fun and exciting.
You know? Like new and different and full of possibilities, and now you're so busy.
I miss you.
You should come hang out with me and Dorothy sometime.
But I'm doing it like in a mirror.
Rando.
I feel like you're trying to trick me.
- I absolutely am not.
- This is boring.
I want to do a scene where I get to be hilarious and talk in a funny voice.
Or be a lady.
Hey, you want to do an Avocadon't with me? Hell yeah.
What is that, like, things not to do with an avocado? Yes, actually.
I'll be right back.
Psst.
Hey.
Listen, rando, slow your roll.
Oh, my God, is this about Edgar? I am so sorry.
I had no idea that you guys were a thing.
Because he has literally never mentioned you.
Well, he's kind of my backup side bitch, and he likes it.
So maybe just, like, respect that.
'Kay? Goddamn it, I heard it in here! Maybe you should summon it with your Mouse Boy powers.
How much have you been drinking? I don't know, like, seven? What is going on with you?! The only thing going on with me is I am trying to make due being stuck in this house, and you're obsessed with this stupid mouse! I know, let's do shots.
Oh, my God, we're out of booze.
Good.
I think you've had enough.
You've had enough.
Edgar! Edgar! We're out of booze.
We'll make a run later.
M-Maybe Jimmy's right.
Relax.
Relax? Says the guy so riddled with anxiety he can't sleep through the night without screaming! Yes, well, uh, we all know that I'm taking the prescribed steps to overcome the very common issues caused by combat situations.
Ugh! We know.
You were in a war.
Get over it! And while you're at it, get over Lindsay.
Have enough self-respect not to focus on someone who's still clearly obsessed with her lame, soft ex-husband.
This is really hard for me.
Oh.
"Waah.
"My husband left me for a female him, and now I can't function in life.
Waah!" Oh, and you! Theater girl! - Yes? - Improv is the lowest form of comedy.
That whole school of yours is just a bunch of actors so janky-looking no one will write lines for them, so you have to make them up yourself.
- Aw, shit.
- You're what this town calls a tweener.
You're not hot enough to be the lead, and not fat enough to be the funny friend.
You already did me! Do me, do me.
- Not worth it.
- Aw, man.
Look, as spectacularly entertaining as this is, maybe you should take a breather.
And then there's Jimmy.
Aw, shit.
No, seriously, Jimmy, I feel such empathy for you, being a writer.
I mean, everyone feels sorry for kids forced to work in the diamond mines in Sierra Leone, but where is the telethon for the noble writer? Bravely drinking coffee, spilling his blood to get his feelings out, filling two, maybe three whole pages before his heroic effort is cut short by the desire to watch Internet porn or get a snack! All of you! Sucking the air out of the room with your self-pity-riddled non-problems! Except you, Vernon.
You got real issues.
You're married to Becca.
Ha! Vernon, ya burnt! This place is an emotional black hole, and if it wasn't for the runners yes, they have a name, they're not just "the people," you giant doofus I would be driving as fast as I could away from you all! But I can't! Because apparently, I live here now, due to completely-beyond-my-control wiring issues for which there will be a lawsuit.
Yes! There will be a lawsuit! There will be no lawsuit.
- Mouse.
- We know! Mouse, mouse! We get it, Jimmy.
No.
The mouse! It's back, isn't it? It's gonna be like sophomore year when you wore the same Hoobastank T-shirt three weeks in a row and only ate Special K Red Berries? Are you gonna tell Jimmy? No.
I can't tell him my brain is broken.
Gretchen, you have never been this much your disgusting self around anyone.
I would have killed to let Paul in on all my gross secrets, but I was too ashamed of them.
Like how I like to drink soy sauce.
Or how I once sucked Malcolm-Jamal Warner's dick at Barney's Beanery.
Lindsay If anyone's gonna be okay with who you are, it's Jimmy.
You guys went into this both knowing you're total creeps, so don't start keeping secrets now.
Wear your stains on the outsides of your clothes, Gretch.
Tell him.
I can't.
Aw I think his leg is broken.
We have to put it out of its misery.
You want me to throw it in the neighbor's yard? They got a couple of hyper corgis.
No, we should give him a Viking funeral - in the reservoir.
- I'll just squash it.
- No! - Jesus.
No.
As much as I hate mice and everything they represent, this one put up a good fight.
It deserves to die as humanely as possible.
_ Do you want to improvise a eulogy? I'm afraid, even though this speech is a little cheesy, I Muenster continue.
Gouda day, little guy.
Goddamn it, she's good.
So yeah.
Uh I have a confession to make: I have been drinking all day.
But this is me apologizing to you all I-Is the mouse in that box? Shh.
Rocket ship to Heaven.
How did we barely even hang today? I'm about to start my annual Arliss re-watch.
You in? I'll FaceTime you.
I don't think your friends like me very much.
What?! Of course they do.
The only nice one was that loud ginger dude.
He isn't really a doctor, is he? I-I like you.
Well that's that.
As Khalid always says, "The circle of life.
" Hey, do you want to get out of here? The marathon should be over.
I mean, by this time, there's still always, like, a blind guy or a torso in the wheelchair, but they keep them to one lane.
It's okay.
The-the torsos usually have, like, really devoted dads who push-push them.
What's going on with you? Okay.
So, here's an interesting thing that you don't know about me.
I am clinically depressed.
It's been going on my whole life, so I'm actually really good at handling it.
Uh, it strikes me whenever, and I have no idea why.
But it's fine.
I'm sorry I never told you.
Slipped my mind.
And who knows, with the right attitude, this could be a really fun adventure for everyone.
So the only thing I need from you is to not make a big deal of it, and be okay with how I am, and the fact that you can't fix me.
Can't I, though? I got that mouse.
Yeah.
Poor old Ra, you were much better off As a su