You're The Worst (2014) Episode Scripts

N/A - Other Things You Could Be Doing

I'm gonna suck on your toes.
Do it.
- Oh, my God! - What? Oh, stop.
Skiing is rough on the feet.
Skiing?! It looks like these things got caught in the gears of a clock.
This is crazy.
I was just about to let you rawdog me on my bar with my foot in your mouth.
Yeah, the foot part's not happening.
Neither is the other part.
- What? - I've had enough drunken, sloppy hookups to last me a lifetime.
Oh, so the stories about sex in the Winter Olympic Village are true? It's like a rap video from the '90s, except everyone's pale and has pins in their legs.
Listen, I'm going up to my cabin later today.
If we're gonna do this, let's do it right.
I'll pick you up at 5:00.
Okay.
Oh, hey, um, don't knock.
I'll just meet you outside.
- It's my roommate.
- Shh.
I get it.
I'm gonna leave you anyway I'm gonna leave you anyway Gonna leave you anyway.
Tall Nathan called.
They're renting my room.
I have to clear out my stuff this week.
Are you okay? Yeah, I guess.
You've been great about letting me crash with you, but it's time to get my own place.
Wow, it's so sad.
I'm 33, and I'm excited about living in a shitty studio in Koreatown.
What are you doing? I'm trying to forge a connection with each audience member beforehand.
Oh, you're not doing a bit.
I really hope he likes the show.
He saw a bad production of The Caucasian Chalk Circle once.
It ruined his entire summer.
Hey.
You get to be selfish today.
I know, but this is the first chance for Jimmy to see me as something else.
Improv is the only thing I've ever done that I've been really proud of.
What about Iraq? One night after a bunch of us went drinking, we came across these locals playing Mheibes.
Okay, well, have a good show! Hi.
Shh.
These decals are tricky to apply straight.
You should have seen the mess I made of the dolphin.
It looked like a scene from The Cove.
The other night, I almost died.
Uh-huh.
As I stood there, cold steel pressed against the side of my head, seconds from oblivion Well a traumatic event like that makes you reevaluate your relationships.
So here.
- What is that? - The key to the Tupperman's house.
You used to baby-sit for them.
Where did you find this? I was desperate for a place to make out with Kenny Van Dzingel, so I stole their key from your room.
You got me fired! Mom took away my Tamagotchi! It starved to death, Lindsay.
Starved! I've been such a bad sister.
I am so, so, so sorry.
I want to be better to everyone, especially you.
I love you.
- Oh! - What? I guess the baby loves the sound of you apologizing.
Feel.
Now, while you're on an apology tour, have you apologized to Paul for dragging things out for so long? - I can't.
It's too hard.
- Hey.
You bravely apologized to me for how you've been a totally really shitty sister for our entire lives.
If you can do that, you can let go of Paul.
You never told me.
Am I gonna be an aunt or an uncle? No, Linds, you-you The doctor wrote it down in this envelope.
Oh.
We're saving the reveal for the big baby shower.
We don't even know.
But from the length of my mucus, I do have a guess.
Can you not talk about mucus? I just had a lot of very questionable yogurt toppings.
I thought you were staying at Lindsay's indefinitely.
Do you want to talk? Okay.
Well, judging from the things you said last time, I'm assuming you didn't come for me.
Unless you did.
Which is something you could confirm or deny right now with a grunt.
Or a twitch, really.
Gretchen? Do you know what? You are being dramatic and self-pitying, and, frankly, it's unbecoming.
Just snap out of it.
Just stop it, Gretchen.
Just Stop it! So that's it, is it? You're done? Well, fine.
I'm leaving town for a few days.
_ This is ridiculous! If you don't want me to talk to you, why did you return? _ Are you not even slightly curious where I might be going, hmm? 'Cause you wouldn't like it.
Not at all.
_ All right, now you've really cheesed me off.
This is my house! I'm not going anywhere.
No! Not reading any more texts.
In fact, I'm gonna block you.
And in doing so, I've inadvertently read your text.
_ I did not think this out properly.
Well, that's the last one.
If you want to communicate, then you can just talk to me with your dumb mouth.
What are you doing? If you're not gonna talk to me, then you can talk to your friends.
Your contacts make no sense.
"Weird cummer?" "Racist but hot?" Eight that just say, "Do not answer.
" Henry Rollins? Don't call him.
Don't call anyone.
Well, then get up and stop me.
_ Dang.
That's spooky.
She's just staring at nothing.
Just like one of them Peaky Blinders.
Okay, I haven't watched it yet.
Jaclyn got us watching Rectify.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I don't know.
I'm sorry I gave you scabies.
I'm sorry I left you alone at that party with Moby.
Your mother didn't needlessly and recklessly vaccinate you, did she? Want to hear a joke? I know exactly how you feel.
It's like, what's the point of it all? I, uh I forgot my joke.
I have this friend, Kasia, who was in the dumps, too.
She was sleeping in an abandoned apartment in Novokuznetsk, living off potato water and Ukrainian candy, but you should see her now.
Some of the most legendary geniuses of our time suffer from depression.
David Foster Wallace, Hemingway, Spalding Grey, Boner from Growing Pains.
What?! - Seriously? - Mm-hmm.
- All of them? - All of them.
My dad looks just like you do right now.
Last week, he didn't come out of his room for three days, so I had a mustard sandwich for dinner.
And so that's why I founded my anti-vaccine group.
Because I realized I really have to give back, you know? And, also, it's just not about me anymore.
And, also, can you imagine how hard my life would be if my baby came out? I'm sorry.
During The Rock of Love auditions, I called you a "poor man's Isla Fischer.
" "Oh, great, they opened a pudding stand next to the taxidermy school.
" Who cares? Now she drives an Alpina.
I only drive a seven series! She's got a gold Apple watch! That heartless, tyrannical bitch.
Even Boner? Even Boner.
It ain't even real acting.
You just be, like, "Yeah, my car broke down.
" Then you nut a dude or two while they drive the van around, and they give you, like, 65 bucks! Free money, basically.
What if we, like, just got a group together and went to the Ace, Palm Springs? Lexi won't care.
Plus I have a separate credit card.
My dad gave it to me for emergencies.
I guess I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be doing here.
And I'm sorry about that one time we were camping, and I told you a bear pooped in your sleeping bag.
There was no bear.
Thank you for coming to the 101 class show for our baby improvisers.
We know that there are other things that you could be doing at like working or watching Maury Povich, masturbating, masturbating while watching Maury Povich.
I like when they're not the dad, and then they immediately jump into the audience and start high-fiving everyone.
And then, the mom's, like, "No, I thought he was the dad!" Anyway, please welcome our 101 class! Oh, babies! All right, all right, we're starting with speed scenes.
I need a location.
Yell it out.
Train station! I heard "train station.
" Oh, gee, I hope the train comes soon.
I can't wait to get to get to my job at the bomb factory.
Extra! Extra! Japan surrenders.
The war is over! Ha.
Oops.
Well, back to the kitchen for me.
Wow.
That is offensive.
I am totally not blind.
Hey, yo, watch it! I'm a baby over here! Oh! - Hey, yo, Bill.
- Yeah, Carl? I think it's really cool when the lady feeds me from her boob, ya know? Yeah, I like that, too.
Aw, yeah.
I just pooped myself.
Noyce.
Uh, oh, oh Oh Thank you all so much! Thank you so much for coming.
Please stick around for beer and wine in the lobby.
What? I'm not the father? Yeah! Yes! Yes! Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! That was great! Yeah! Your chicken-wing is improving by leaps and bounds.
I've got a good teacher.
Oh, zorp! The parking meter's almost out.
I'll be back in a jiff.
Then, I want a mancala rematch.
Oh, someone's a glutton for punishment.
- Oh.
- Let me ask you something.
Do you really love Paul? I-I feel for you.
You had the perfect man and you didn't appreciate him.
But to answer your question, yes.
I do love him.
Unequivocally, to the end of the galaxy which is ever-expanding, so, technically, not an actual place, but You just talked back to me.
Never do it again, but that's good.
Paul needs someone who can defend him.
He's kind of a marshmallow.
And that's the difference between you and me: I love that about him.
Here.
I signed them.
He's yours.
Wow.
Thanks.
Why why are they sticky? Take care of him, okay? Make sure he puts on that super-tight sweatshirt if there's a thunderstorm.
The pressure reduces his anxiety.
I know.
That's for stealing my husband.
Relationships are tough, Jimmy.
My mom has a new boyfriend.
My dad won't stop crying.
He's been playing "Hurdy Gurdy Man" on repeat for days.
It's really scary.
Oh, that's good to hear.
Go away.
You're erect! That's amazing.
I can't say it again.
I can't.
I just still can't understand.
Can you can you explain it to me, please? I'm scraped out.
I'm that car we sent to Mars, flipped upside-down so the sun can't reach my solar panels.
I've always been able to flip myself back over eventually, but I ran out of times.
This is how I am now.
And it's not okay with you.
Nor should it be.
Okay.
Well, um I suppose it's-it's good that this happened now, instead of, I don't know, like, ten years down the line.
Yeah.
I'll be back in a couple of days.
I'll be out by the time you get back.
Have fun.
You deserve it.
Whoever she is.
_ _ _ _ I couldn't find you! That was so good.
Didn't that feel good? Oh, my God, your steroid accountant character was hysterical.
Who just lets someone sit in someone else's reserved seat? They give them up as soon as the show starts, you know that.
All I know is when you think someone's here supporting you and then they're not, it feels really bad.
I hate that Jimmy ruined that great show for you.
That sucks.
I just thought we were getting to a new place.
He sees me with a girlfriend, a job, a new passion But clearly I was wrong.
He still just thinks of me as a freeloading veteran with perfect features.
Hey, you need to concentrate on you.
On what's next for Edgar.
And I hope whatever's next for Edgar has me in it.
Hey, I have to go look at this new apartment.
You want to come with me and then go to the diner? Yes.
Have you ever dipped fries into a milkshake? Sounds weird.
Oh _ _ _ _ Mother (horn blares)! Hello.
The bedroom is small, but it's not like I'm going to do CrossFit in there.
And Edgar, there's a little window in the closet.
And I love the floors.
Yuck to the kitchen, but it's got a view.
I've never had a view before.
Dang, I wish it was $400 less.
You love it.
I love it.
Then you should live here.
I can't afford it.
At this point, it's just a fantasy.
But maybe some day, if I pick up a few extra classes We could split it.
What are you talking about? What did you what do you think I'm talking about? Living together.
But that's crazy.
Right? You're serious? Could we get furniture that's not just trash from off the street? We could do that.
So, for real? You want to do this? For real.
You want to live with me! I am a house built Out of twigs and Sto-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-ones I am a house You stayed? Yeah.
You stayed.
But I got love to give And give and give and give And give and give I got love to give And give and give and give And give and give Farts.
I am storm cloud But without a lightning bolt To help me see my way-ay-ay-ay-ay I am a rain drop But I got love to give And give and give and give