The Simpsons s07e23 Episode Script

Much Apu About Nothing

The Simpsons D'oh! Run, Daddy! Run! Open the door, Maude! I don't have time for the secret knock! Oh.
! I'm panicking, Neddy.
! I can't work the knob.
This is Kent Brockman with a special report from the Channel 6 News copter.
A large bearlike animal, most likely a bear has wandered down from the hills in search of food or, perhaps, employment.
Please remain calm.
Stay in your homes.
Looks like bad news for the Impson family.
Let's all calm down.
Everyone's gonna be just fine, as long as I've got enough beers.
All right, that does it.
If I'm gonna be trapped inside the house I gotta go out and buy some beer.
Now, to drop gracefully through the windshield.
I got ya, Dad! I got ya, Dad! Sweet dreams, Smokey.
Ow! Animal tranquilizer! Oh! Smooth! Book 'em, Lou.
One count of being a bear.
And one count of being an accessory to being a bear.
Oh, Marge, it was horrible! We were trapped in the house all afternoon.
And, well, we had to drink toilet water.
Well, things were bad everywhere.
I'm sick of these constant bear attacks.
It's like a freakin' Country BearJamboroo around here! Well, now, realistically, Homer, I've lived here some 30-odd years.
This is the first and only bear I've ever seen.
Hey, if you want wild bears eating your children and scaring away your salmon, that's your business.
But I'm not gonna take it! Who's with me? I am! I am! We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears! We're here.
! We're queer.
! We don't want any more bears.
! Hey, Homer, that's a pretty catchy chant.
Where'd you learn it? Oh, I heard it at the mustache parade they have every year.
We don't want any more bears.
! - Sir, there's an unruly mob to see you.
- Does it have an appointment? Uh, yes, it does.
I phoned ahead! Mr.
Mayor, I hate to break it to you but your city is infested with bears! Yeah.
And these ones are smarter than the average bear.
They swiped my "pic-a-nic" basket.
Think of the children! Very well.
I promise swift and decisive action against these hibernating hucksters.
Ah, not a bear in sight.
The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm.
- That's specious reasoning, Dad.
- Thank you, honey.
By your logic, I could claim this rock keeps tigers away.
- Oh, how does it work? - It doesn't work.
- Uh-huh.
- It's just a stupid rock.
- Uh-huh.
- But I don't see any tigers around here, do you? Lisa, I want to buy your rock.
Whoo-hoo! A perfect day! Zero bears and one big, fat, hairy paycheck.
Hey! How come my pay is so low? "Bear Patrol Tax $5.
00.
" What? This is an outrage! It's the biggest tax increase in history! Actually, Dad, it's the smallest tax increase in history.
Let the bears pay the bear tax.
I pay the Homer tax.
That's the homeowner tax.
Well, anyway, I'm still outraged.
Down with taxes.
! Down with taxes.
! Down with taxes.
! Won't you think of the children? Are these morons getting dumber, or just louder? Dumber, sir.
They won't give up the Bear Patrol but they won't pay taxes for it either.
Ducking this issue calls for real leadership.
People, your taxes are high because of illegal immigrants.
That's right.
Illegal immigrants.
We need to get rid of them! "Immigants.
" I knew it was them! Even when it was the bears, I knew it was them.
Oh! Won't somebody please think of the children? In one week, the town will vote on a special referendum whether or not to deport all illegal immigrants from Springfield.
It shall be known as Proposition 24.
Yea! It shall be known as Proposition 24.
Yea! Hey, German boy! Go back to "Germania.
" I do not deserve this! I've come here legally as an exchange student.
Young man, the only thing we exchange for you is our national dignity.
You want to pick on immigrants, then pick on Willie! Willie, please! The children want to pick on someone their own size.
I don't see how you can support Proposition 24, Dad.
Open your eyes, Lisa.
Our schools are so jam-packed with immigrants, kids like Bart have lost the will to learn.
There's no denying it, Sis.
But immigration is what America's all about.
Even the Simpson family immigrated to America.
Right, Grandpa? Okay, you twisted my arm.
The Simpson story begins back in the old country.
I forget which one exactly.
My father would drone on and on about America.
He thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread sliced bread having been invented the previous winter.
See this, Son? That's where we're going to live.
Maybe not today.
Maybe not tomorrow.
But someday.
Later that day, we set sail for America.
There it is.
Our new home.
Whee! I love America! Abe, supper's on! We had to move out once we'd filled the hat with garbage.
The end.
Yeah, when those immigrants get deported there'll be a lot more elbowroom for regular joes like you and me, Apu.
Mr.
Simpson it may astonish you to learn that I am an immigrant.
You? I don't believe it.
No.
In truth, an illegal immigrant, sir.
If Proposition 24 passes, I shall be forced to leave this country.
Oh, I wish- Oh, I wish I could have stayed just one more year or two.
There was so much I wanted to see and to do and to have done to me.
Oh, my God.
I got so swept up in the scapegoating and fun of Proposition 24 I never stopped to think it might affect someone I cared about.
You know what, Apu? I am really, really gonna miss you.
You know what really "aggravateses" me is them "immigants.
" They want all the benefits of living in Springfield but they ain't even bothered to learn themselves the language.
- Yeah.
Those are exactly my "sentimonies.
" - Yeah! Yeah, you said it, Barn.
Make the protesters go away, and I'll give you the entire bottle.
Oh, thank you goodness.
My first customers in a week.
It's hard to believe someone so close to our family could be an illegal alien.
Alas, it is true.
I came here shortly after my graduation from Cal Tech Calcutta Technical Institute.
As the top student in my graduating class of seven million - I was accepted for graduate study in the United States.
Mmm.
Wherever you go and whatever you do, we will always love you.
- Make us proud, Son.
- Never forget who you are.
I won't, Mother.
And I won't forget you, Manjula.
I'm so sorry our arranged marriage will not come to pass.
Farewell, my beloved.
I enrolled at Springfield Heights Institute of Technology under the tutelage of the brilliant professor, John Frink.
Well, sure, the Frinkiac 7 looks impressive- don't touch it- but I predict that within 100 years, computers will be twice as powerful and so expensive that only the five richest kings of Europe will own them.
Could it be used for dating? Well, theoretically, yes.
But the computer matches would be so perfect as to eliminate the thrill of romantic conquest.
Nine glorious years later, I completed my Ph.
D.
thesis.
comprising the world's very first tic-tac-toe program.
- Only the top human players could beat it.
- Hey, what's this one for? Oh! So, Apu, why didn't you go back to India when your student visa expired? I did not feel right leaving without paying off my student loans.
- Mm-hmm.
- So I took a job at the Kwik-E-Mart.
When my debts were wiped clean, I was all set to go.
But by then I had made so many friends here.
What you're saying is so understandable.
And, really, your only crime was violating U.
S.
law.
Oh, you are one of the good ones.
You know what? I'm going to vote no on 24.
Mom, you're the greatest! Could I have this licorice? Uh, good evening, um, young man.
My name is Charles Norwood.
Furthermore, to this beer, I would also like three of your finest, cheapest cigars.
Here's my I.
D.
which confirms my "adultivity.
" Hmm.
Hey, Kearney, this fake I.
D.
, it is truly excellent.
Say, if you tell me where you obtained it I will overlook the ice cream sandwiches concealed in your armpits, eh? Deal.
Okay.
Here are your fraudulent documents, Mr.
Nahasapeemapetilon.
Your U.
S.
passport, social security card birth certificate, and your death certificate.
Just hold onto that one in your safe-deposit box.
Most humble and grateful thanks to you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Can the courtesy.
You're an American now.
Remember.
You were born in Green Bay, Wisconsin.
Your parents were Herb and Judy Nahasapeemapetilon.
And if you do not wish to arouse suspicion, I strongly urge you to act American.
Hey there, Homer.
How's it hanging? Low and lazy.
So- Hey.
Say something again.
Oh, you're just noticing the way I'm talking to you now.
You see, it turns out I am an American citizen after all.
Apparently, I just plumb forgot about it.
Say, let's take a relaxed attitude toward work and watch the baseball match.
The "Ny" Mets are my favorite squadron.
Hey, you got rid of that goofy sacred elephant statue.
Oh, yeah.
What was I thinking with that? Who needs the infinite compassion of Ganesha when I've got Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman staring at me from Entertainment Weekly with their dead eyes? Look at me! I've betrayed my Indian heritage, sir! What would my parents think of me now? Make us proud, Son.
- Never forget who you are.
Don't make the same mistake I did.
Oh, forgive me, Mother.
Father, I've failed you.
Who am I kidding? I am no citizen.
This passport is a cheap forgery! A cheap, $2,000 forgery.
I have brought shame to my parents, to my homeland and to myself.
Don't forget Ganesha.
I cannot deny my roots, and I cannot keep up this charade.
I only did it because I love this land where I have the freedom to say and to think and to charge whatever I want.
I want to stay, but as the real me not as some yahoo from Green Bay.
Oh.
Wow.
You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning.
Darn it, Apu! I'm not gonna let them kick you out! I never should've bought this button! - Can I have my three dollars back? - Store credit only.
Hey, Marge.
! Look who I brought home.
! Oh, Homer.
Are you rounding up immigrants? No, Marge.
Apu convinced me that Proposition 24 is a big mistake.
All right! Now you've got all the Simpsons behind you, Apu.
That's nice, although three of you are below voting age.
And I'm not registered.
I do appreciate your concern, really.
But it is hopeless.
The latest poll shows a whooping Hey, Apu, why don't you just marry some American broad then dump her after you get your citizenship? Hello, Selma? Selma, my dear.
How are ya? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Listen, shut up for a second.
How would you like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported? I'd rather eat poison.
My name's already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure.
God knows it's long enough without Nahassapetapeeta-whatever.
From now on, I'm only marrying for love.
Possibly once more for money.
Oh, it's hopeless.
Oh, poor Apu.
Hey! The government don't control the sky.
- What if you lived in a balloon? - That's it.
! Did you hear that, Mom? She's as dumb as me.
No! Not what he said, what he is.
Grandfather, as in grandfather clause.
- Apu, how long ago did your visa expire? - Seven years.
But I don't- There was an amnesty declared for people who have been here as long as you.
That means you can take the citizenship test! - Oh! - But, Apu, the vote on Proposition 24 is on Tuesday.
You'll have to pass the test before then.
Oh, no.
That is not nearly enough time to learn over 200 years of American history.
Oh, it can't be that many.
Come on, Apu.
I'll be your tutor.
Please identify this object.
It appears to be the flag which disappeared from the public library last year.
Correct.
Now, we all know the 13 stripes are for good luck.
But why does the American flag have precisely 47 stars? Because this particular flag is ridiculously out-of-date.
The library must have purchased it during the brief period in 1912 after New Mexico became a state, but before Arizona did.
Uh, partial credit.
Now, they may ask you to locate your town on a map of the U.
S.
So, let's do that.
Uh, Springfield, Springfield.
Right here.
Dad, you're not pointing anywhere near Springfield.
It's over here, Apu.
Hey! What you doin'? Studyin'? Oh, I'm so confused.
I don't even know where I'm getting kicked out of anymore.
Whoa! Sign's floating away, Chief.
Executive, legislative and, uh, judicial.
No, no and no.
Maybe we should start all over with the electrical college.
Please, Mr.
Simpson.
My brain needs sleep.
The test is in six hours.
And many of these facts you speak of are completely new to me.
Sleep is for the weak, Apu! Now, I'm gonna go to bed while you look over my notes from ninth-grade history.
Okay, Apu.
Stay awake and stay focused.
Cotton Mather- Oh, no! I fell asleep! I have forgotten everything that Mr.
Homer taught me! Perfect.
Let's roll.
Immigrant go home! Immigrant go home! - Get outta here! - Gosh, you're annoying.
Hmm.
Hmph.
Hmm.
All right, men.
Here's the order of deportations.
First you'll be rounding up your tired, then your poor then your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.
Breathers.
Got it.
All right, here's your last question.
What was the cause of the Civil War? Actually, there were numerous causes.
Aside from the obvious schism between abolitionists and anti-abolitionists economic factors, both domestic and international- - Hey, hey! - Yeah? - Just say slavery.
- Slavery it is, sir.
Yes! I am a citizen! Now, which way to the welfare office? - What? - I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
I work.
I work.
Thank you.
I want to say thank you to everyone.
From this day forth, I am no longer an Indian living in America.
I am an Indian American.
Yeah! You know, Apu, in a way, all Americans are immigrants.
Except Native Americans.
Yeah.
Native Americans like us.
- No.
I mean American Indians.
- Like me.
No.
I mean- Hi, everyone.
If I could just say a few words I'd be a better public speaker.
Now that you're all relaxed- Most of us here were born in America.
We take this country for granted.
But not immigrants like Apu.
While the rest of us are drinking ourselves stupid they're driving the cabs that get us home safely they're writing the operas that entertain us every day they're training our tigers and kicking our extra points.
These people are the glue that holds together the gears of our society.
If we pass Proposition 24, we'll be losing some of the truest Americans of all.
When you go to the polls tomorrow please vote no on Proposition 24.
No on 24.
No on 24.
No on 24.
No on 24.
No on 24.
No on 24.
No on 24.
It's a landslide! Yes on 24.
The proposition passed with a record 95%.
When are people going to learn? Democracy doesn't work! Please don't knock the land that I love.
Jury duty! Oh! Today I am truly an American citizen.
Just thank heaven everything worked out for the people we care about.
Ach! Ingrates.
Shh!