10 O'Clock Live (2011) s02e04 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 4
1 Welcome to 10 O'Clock Live.
It's Wednesday the 29th of February.
Thanks! Listen, listen.
It's a leap year.
It's that special day, only comes round once every four years, and ladies are permitted to ask men that special question.
So, Charlie I wonder if you would do me the honour of telling me what you're going to be doing on the show tonight.
You teasing cow.
I'm looking at the Sun On Sunday, or SOS for short.
SOS normally means "Save Our Souls".
And if it's a success, it really will save our souls, some of the biggest arseholes in the world.
David, you're going to be looking at Ed Miliband tonight.
Yes.
Well, the Government's in trouble at the moment.
But Ed Miliband is still behind in polls of his personal approval rating.
Oh, dear.
So, the question is, is he missing an open goal? Is he not landing his punches? Or is he such a fucking nerd you can't tell what sport he's playing? Probably lacrosse.
Jimmy, and you are going to be tackling the bleak economic news that the UK's run out of cash? Not worried about running out of cash.
As a nation, I think we have enough Nectar points to see us through.
We could buy a kettle if we pool our resources.
Hope we're all right.
We're going to be seeing how the countdown to the 2012 Olympics is shaping up.
But first, over to Jimmy to tell us about the week so far.
In the news this week, James Murdoch stepped down today as executive chairman of News International.
shredding documents.
It's nothing to do with the scandal.
He's just very privacy conscious I'm legally required to say.
It's been revealed that the Met gave Rebekah Brooks a police horse.
A spokesman said it was just a broken-down old nag who was no longer capable of useful work, so why not give her a horse? Luckily for Rebekah Brooks, you can't be sent to jail for borrowing a police horse.
Unluckily, you can be sent to jail if you systematically bribe a network of public officials.
Doh! David Cameron's NHS reforms continue to cause controversy.
If the reforms go through, patients will be allowed to choose where they're treated.
Of course, most of them will choose to be treated quite near the bit that's hurting.
This NHS bill has now been amended more times than the age on Carol Vorderman's Wikipedia page.
A new report into elderly care says that compassion should be as important as medical skill.
Nurses will no longer use the terms "old dear" or "biddy".
They'll now say person, as in, "Just leave that person on the trolley in the corridor.
" Recommendations also include housing the elderly in self-contained individual patient units or coffins.
The sister ship of the Costa Concordia, the Costa Allegra, has gone adrift without power in the Indian Ocean.
It seems Costa ships are like buses not seaworthy.
The Oscars took place on Sunday evening.
Meryl Streep won her third.
When it comes to the Best Actress Oscar, you've got to hand it to her .
.
cos she's won.
Many people have criticised Streep's portrayal of Margaret Thatcher as only telling half the story, presumably because it only showed her in human form.
Disgraced ex-minister, Chris Huhne, having been charged with perverting the course of justice, is now taking a £17,000 severance package.
Just as well his girlfriend's bisexual, because Chris Huhne is a prick as well as a twat.
This is extraordinary.
A UN narcotics agency has warned some parts of UK cities have become no-go areas due to crime.
These include Moss Side in Manchester, Toxteth in Liverpool and Glasgow in Glasgow.
This week, Pakistani security forces demolished Osama Bin Laden's former compound.
I'm not sure how.
I imagine they flew a couple of planes into it.
It's what he would have wanted.
Barclays Bank has been caught exploiting a half a billion pound tax loophole.
Politicians are putting pressure on Barclays boss Bob Diamond to waive his bonus.
Bob Diamond responded, "Arghh! Look at my bonus.
" And that was the week in news.
Charlie.
Thank you.
Thank you, Jimmy.
Now, this weekend, Rupert Murdoch possibly the least popular Australian since that dingo that ate a baby launched the Sun On Sunday.
And here's fascinating footage of the man himself inspecting Page Three with Sun editor and boggle-eyed hench twit, Dominic Mohan.
"Corr, she looks nice.
"Wonder how she tastes.
Ooh, bonzer!" To promote the new paper, The Sun sent a camera crew out to capture the delighted reactions of everyday folk who clearly hadn't been told what to say at all.
I'm glad the Sun's out on a Sunday now, cos I can watch all read all the football and sports.
Brilliant.
Just picked up my first Sunday Sun, and I can't wait to read the Bizarre for the latest showbiz gossip.
Great to see Sun On Sunday.
Thank you so much.
Pretty convincing stuff.
Normally, when you see poorly shot footage of someone holding up that day's newspaper and reading a prepared statement, it means they're about to have their head sawn off by a Somali pirate.
Mind you, it's not surprising people will endorse The Sun, because people will endorse anything, such as this, my new magazine - the Seal Clubber On Sunday.
Take it away, people.
Really looking forward to Seal Clubber coming out on Sunday especially Page Three.
It's fantastic.
I can catch up with all clubbing murdering news.
I love my Seal Clubber on Sunday.
It gives me all my news.
Ah! Brilliant.
Sadly, despite that marketing push, my seal clubbing magazine has already had to close due to a hacking scandal.
The editor hacked a seal's head off.
No such controversy for the Sun On Sunday, especially fromits feel-good new columnist, the Archbishop of York, John Sentamu, the voice of the steeple, who writes: Well, you know what, John, if you say "wow" just because someone creates a Sunday paper, wait till you read this Yeah.
Because there's a bloke in this who creates a whole universe in seven days.
Never mind "wow".
You're going to be, like, "OMG, amazeballs! The other new columnists were Phil Mitchell lookalike Toby Young and Toby Young lookalike Heston Blumenthal.
So, hang on.
That's three bald men with glasses.
If that's what it takes to be a Sun columnist, then presumably, we can look forward to columns from mirth-maker Harry Hill, Masterchef Gregg Wallace, murderer John Christie, Muppet Dr Bunson, mouse sidekick Penfold, Mahatma Gandhi, molester Gary Glitter and mogul Rupert Murdoch.
Not to mention this boiled egg with glasses on it.
And, to be fair, if you rolled this boiled egg across a keyboard, you'd create a better column than the Archbishop of York.
But will anyone buy the Sun On Sunday next weekend? Well, it's going to have competition, because this week's seen so many revelations about The Sun itself, the Leveson Inquiry has been forced to launch its own paper, just to contain them all.
It comes out this Sunday.
Here it is.
It's the LeveSun on Sunday.
It's got a great big human interest story on the front, "My heart stopped for 40 years".
Now, this week has seen bold new claims about murky dealings between the police and News International.
For instance, it transpired this woman, former Simply Red heartthrob and Sun editor, Rebekah Brooks, was lent a horse by the police.
But then, Rebekah Brooks is genuinely horse mad.
She goes horseriding.
She's married to a racehorse trainer.
She has her own mane, and during her time editing The Sun, there was a startling increase in horse-related headlines.
Now, I'm not just saying that.
Our researchers looked into it.
This is an actual graph depicting how the number of horse stories in The Sun rose dramatically during her time as editor, as you can see.
The tragic irony is if you tried to leap a horse over a jump this big, it'd break its fucking neck.
"Happy now, Rebekah? You just killed a horse.
" Anyway, the woe continued for News International today when James Murdoch finally resigned as the company's executive chair, which means Rupert's going to have to find someone else to sit on.
James has proved such an embarrassment to his dad, there are already rumours Rupert's going to close him down and relaunch him as his son on Sunday.
Murdoch Junior was probably glad to go, as the company is now riven with so much bitter in-fighting that, according to these worrying and alarming scenes, he had to employ a full-time guard to make sure no one stabbed him in the back on his way into the office.
The single chink of light for The Sun is that being at the centre of this scandal, it's placed better than anyone is to carry the full unexpurgated account.
And, sure enough, today's edition of The Sun does not shirk from fearlessly covering the one big story everyone has been talking about.
I don't know if you've seen this.
This is true.
Umm To be fair to The Sun, that was this morning, before James Murdoch resigned.
And, sure enough, tomorrow's Sun doesn't ignore the latest development.
I've got a sneak preview of it here.
Typical Sun.
No matter what's going on, it's always banging on about sponges.
Lauren.
Lovely.
Well, as Charlie said, it was announced today that cartoon baddie James Murdoch is stepping down as executive chairman of News International.
A News Corporation source said: It was about time that James stood down.
I don't know, cos if you think of Rupert Murdoch as Dr Evil, James Murdoch's like Mini Me.
He's not important to the narrative, but you'll miss him when he goes.
He's entertaining.
You know he used to draw comic strips and run a hip hop label? Really? So he should go off and reinvent himself.
Call himself Jaydoch.
Maybe it's not too late.
Well, also this week, Rebekah Brooks has been busy.
In an unusually revealing front page of the Evening Standard, they reported that she received a horse from the Met, as Charlie mentioned, and on the same page, it also appears to indicate that she was being evicted from the Occupy London camp.
Yesterday's news on Monday night.
That is a bad day for gingers, isn't it? Similar to every other day.
Do you think they did that deliberately? They must have noticed, mustn't they? They can't have not.
She doesn't look happy.
No.
So, speaking of Occupy, you know evicted in the dead of night.
Ended in a whimper after beginning with a bang.
David, I know you followed this story.
Were you disappointed? Yes, I was disappointed.
I was disappointed that, well, they were sort of quite clever about it in the end, the authorities.
People lost interest.
People were bored of the hippies in central London, and we didn't really notice when they all got moved aside.
I think it was a shame.
Much as all the people you see on television involved in Occupy seemed really annoying, and playing musical instruments It's the juggling that bothers you.
And the juggling.
In general, basically, I prefer bankers to these people, but You monster! That's in my dark heart.
In my brain I think, no In my brain I'm saying my nicer brain than my horrible evil heart What the hell do you think with? My brain.
I think it's the other way round.
All right.
Don't pick me up with your logic and your words and your reasons.
Yeah.
Sorry, were you based at that camp at all, Charlie? No, I wasn't.
I feel like I've touched a nerve.
Not since we mentioned video games have you got so upset.
This isn't video games.
It's only fucking capitalism.
Who gives a shit? It kind of lacked focus, didn't it, the protest? I think it should have been more like My Big Fat Gypsy Protest.
Cos they didn't have focus.
It wasn't one thing they wanted.
They should have worked towards a wedding.
If it had been a wedding or one big library or free ice cream for 48 hours, that would all have been fine and sorted out.
What they essentially wanted is all the evil plutocrats who work round there to be in some way taken down several million pegs.
That wasn't going to happen ever.
But I quite like the fact that there was this great big mess in the middle of the City of London, reminding everyone how imperfect our society is, and reminding all the horrible bankers on their way to work that not everyone's happy.
I like that it was outside St Paul's and the church complained.
They acted terribly.
It's not as if Jesus ever said anything about temples and money-lenders.
This is the Church of England, and sometimes they complained, sometimes they said it was a good thing.
They were basically as undecided on this as they are over the existence of God.
Well, in need of some incisive analysis of Occupy, we turned to the ever-reliable Daily Mail website for help.
Rob said: Do you think it's about time we had a civil war, Charlie? It's not even closing time yet, surely.
No.
Scotland want independence, don't they? Some people in Scotland want independence.
That is a civil war.
That'll be the next thing.
They'll say it's not a civil war and claim they're another country.
They'll say it's an actual war.
And argue about whether it's a proper war or just a civil war.
That'll be the next thing.
It's tricky.
OK, the protesters also faced some criticism for their apparent lack of commitment.
Artua, an unemployed Polish decorator, said this back in October: Seems reasonable to me.
Where's he going on holiday? I bet he's going camping.
He's got all the gear.
Do you think they didn't do themselves any favours? I don't think it's over.
Because you move the campsite away, I don't think this ends.
It's not, "The problem's solved", or, "We've cured that".
I think camping in tents in squalid conditions is the very much the future.
For all of us.
Kind of The Road style The dream that we might camp the shit out of capitalism is still alive.
They've just been moved to Finsbury Square.
Time for a break, but just before we take that, we have a quick word from our special friends at Costa Cruises, the world's unluckiest cruise company.
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' This week, George Osborne has said that Britain has run out of money.
What does that mean for the future of the economy? Who better to answer that, than Professor Jane Kerrigan from the London School Of Economics.
Professor, they say that we've run out of money, can that be true? Sadly, George Osborne is right.
The UK is facing its biggest challenge since the 1920s.
The level of public and private '- Jesus, she's dull.
- Blah, blah, blah.
'Is she meant to be one of David's guests? 'Sounds like one of his debates I think.
'I never watch those bits.
That's my hot tub time.
'It's in the contract.
' 'She is brilliant.
'How's Jimmy got his hands on her? 'If I had her in a debate, maybe with someone from a think-tank, 'my God, we'd make some television! 'This idiot's not even listening.
'He's probably wishing he was dressed in a stupid costume 'from the future' It's Wednesday, it's the year 2017, I'm the future Jimmy Carr and this is Future News.
Hello from the future or as we say here in the present, hello from the present.
Today marks five years since Britain ran out of money.
Here in the future, we have a new currency, bricks.
Everything costs one brick unless the shop is double-glazed, in which it costs two bricks.
Things are so bad here in the future, where I am, that we've had to wage war on an oil-rich nation.
Fortunately, Scotland's just become independent.
Easy win, we took their freedom.
Good news, Britain's pension crisis has been resolved by a particularly severe winter.
Brilliant! The reforms of the NHS have finally taken effect in the new-look streamlined NHS.
It's now a mobile kiosk selling paracetamol.
This week it's in Stevenage.
Earlier today, the Treasury was rebranded Wonga.
com.
In his first statement, the new Chancellor, Aleksandr Meerkat .
.
said the solutions to our economic problems were "simples".
Britain's new energy tsar has spoken about the power cuts that have hit the nation.
"No likey, no lighty", said Mr McGuinness.
Politics, and the Labour Party remains in disarray as the party's torn between the leadership of two brothers.
It's Jedward, everyone.
Finally, some sad news, at the age of just 56 journalist and chat show host Piers Morgan, tragically, is still alive.
Our thoughts are with his family.
Now over to Helen with the weather.
'- I dozed off there.
- What's she going on about?' I pressed my thumb into George Osborne's eye and said to him "If you do that again, I will fucking blind you.
" Right, well, food for thought there.
Ladies and gentleman, Professor Carrigan.
Thank you.
Poor the Government.
It's been having a tough time tackling unemployment recently.
First their scheme to get big businesses to take on the jobless was branded slave labour, then last week, Emma Harrison, the back-to-work tsar, was forced to quit.
If only they had a back-to-work tsar to help her find another job.
Who are these tsars anyway? Well, they're experts, brought in by the Government to help with policy and are chosen by a stringent selection process.
I'm just kidding! The Government pretty much think of someone clever and then give them a job or just get one of their mates in.
How could such a rigorous system possibly go wrong? Let's find out.
First tsar in our eyes tonight, Sir Philip Green.
Mr Topshop was appointed the Government's efficiency tsar to offer advice on how Whitehall could cut costs.
As the CEO of a multi-billion pound business, he knows a thing or five about saving money.
Oh, yes he does.
In 2005, he saved £300 million by signing his company over to his wife, who lives in popular tax haven Monaco.
Canny, but not quite the kind of cost cutting measure the Government had in mind and a little bit awkward when they announced a crackdown on tax avoidance a few weeks later.
But hey, the Government don't have time to think things through in that much detail.
They're far too busy appointed new tsars like this guy, Hans-Christian Raber.
Isn't he pretty? In January 2011, he became the Government's drugs tsar.
Don't remember him? Don't blame you.
He got the sack after a fortnight.
It came to light that he had previously written a study linking homosexuality to being a paedophile.
It said "There is an overlap between the gay movement "and the movement to make paedophilia acceptable.
" And he wasn't even on drugs when he wrote that.
Oh, dear.
After he got the chop there was the Big Society tsar, who resigned when he realised his voluntary post was using up all his free time.
Oh, the irony.
With industry experts letting them down there was only one place the Government could turn in its search for a tsar people off the telly.
They know everything.
And they created High Street tsar, Portas, housing star Allsopp, and maths tsar Vorderman.
Yes, that's right, Mr Cameron, who better to remedy the conundrum that is Britain's lost generation of innumerates that a woman who can often, but not always, multiply numbers with other numbers to reach a third number in 30 seconds in a tight dress.
And David, if it's celebrity tsars you want, we have loads.
Here are a few suggestions.
How about press standards and equine care tsar, Rebekah Brooks.
Literacy tsar Joey Essex and race relations tsar John Terry.
I'd offer to be your ill-advised tsar-selecting tsar, although, you're doing quite well on that front yourself.
Carry on.
Yesterday saw the passing of the massively important milestone of 150 days until the Olympics.
Woo-hoo, the big 150.
Obviously So it's the big 149 today? That's today's milestone? Yes.
They marked the big 150 with a fitting event, launching some giant Olympic rings on a barge down the Thames.
Here they go.
Yeah.
Does that make you proud to be British? Yes, very proud Sorry, what's the opposite of proud? Ashamed.
Yes, cringingly ashamed and embarrassed.
I just can't understand why they went to the expense of that when you can just Photoshop it.
It would look just as pointless.
My hair twin Boris Johnson appeared on the news, telling everyone just how amazing the rings are.
Here he is, statesman-like as ever.
'What are you planning for people across the capital?' Well, this is I think a typically inventive way that London's chosen to show some of the Olympic rings on this amazing kind of floating platform, this barge.
But the great thing is that in Games time, it will dock at various places and people will mount cycling machines, bicycles and they will be able by using their economically environmentally friendly way, they will send up great jets of water from the pontoon in an enthusiastic geezer.
Right.
Cycling machines? Credit where credit's due.
That thing is more pointless than it looks, which is no mean feat.
You've got a water pistol firing Weil's disease out the back of it.
I genuinely don't understand.
At the moment it's just a barge with the logo of the Olympics on it.
Which should properly be on an Olympic Stadium not on a barge.
But it's OK because soon they're going to put cycling machines around the giant Bicycles they're called.
He was wrong in correcting himself.
He doesn't mean bicycles.
If you put a bicycle on a barge and tell them to have a go, they'll ride off the side! He means cycling machines that are going to pump water into the air in a celebratory way covering the giant logo, that should be on the stadium, with water while people cycle.
Have I got it right? I think that's basically that.
Take that, Beijing! Unlucky! Win! The question is"Why?" You don't need to get to that stage.
You can just look at Boris Johnson and say "why?!" We fancied a change.
We voted him in.
Plans for the opening ceremony have been revealed.
It will feature NHS nurses, 900 school children and a 27-ton bell.
Do you think that's going to be a show to remember, Charlie? That's what I look for when looking for edge-of-the-seat spectacle, I look for a massive bell.
That's what you want.
There's not enough bells.
You know what they need? They need a PE teacher and a whistle.
Sports day, that's what is required.
I think they need "Come on, everyone, settle down.
We're racing, 100 metres.
" The thing that frustrates me about the Olympics is all the events.
I think it's fine to have an Olympics lots of sports and I don't want to get involved myself, but I appreciate the enthusiasm.
Why do we need all this bullshit around it? Why do we need a fucking clock? Why do we need a logo on a barge? Why do we need an opening ceremony? Why do we need a cultural fucking Olympiad? We don't need any of these things.
We just need the running races and someone to time them.
I'm with you.
I mean, I don't particularly get it.
However, there is a group of people that are particularly upset about being left out of the plans.
Can you guess who? Was it David? He seems upset about something.
The problem is that this is gin.
It's not, David.
It's actually British Morris dancers.
No, no, it's water! Are you saying this is liquidised humans?! The President of the Morris Dancing Federation said: Can you guess how they're going to show their anger? With a rubbish Morris dance? Yeah.
Morris dancers are so annoying.
In this instance though, they will also be annoyed.
Think of the intensity of this! A dance of rage! It will be like something out of the end of The Wicker Man.
The world will end with their dance of rage.
That's a rubbish apocalypse! Moving on to tickets for the Games, it emerged that even newborn babies will need a full-priced ticket.
Unsurprisingly, this did not go down well on Mumsnet.
Hello, Mumsnet! I love Mumsnet.
Sorry, I'm getting it mixed up with the MILF thing.
I'm always doing that.
Meez on Mumsnet wrote: It's good.
Babies should have to pay double to be there.
People shouldn't take babies to the Olympics, especially because given we're so mimsy and nice about babies, there'll probably be a baby Olympics in this country.
People will just take their flipping babies and make them crawl around and give them a gold medal just for being a fucking baby! I can't wait for him to change his tune.
Time now for a break! Welcome back.
Today, a sudden crisis meant that Ed Miliband had to break off from high-level discussions about the off-putting nature of his haircut.
Trade union leader Len McCluskey said his union, Unite, might disrupt the Olympics.
David Cameron called on Miliband to rein McCluskey in.
But Unite is Labour's biggest donor.
So it's like Rudolph trying to rein in Santa.
Miliband tried his best to do what Cameron told him.
"Any threat to the Olympics is totally unacceptable and wrong.
" Characteristically using two adjectives where one would do.
But will this firm, obedient line help his poll ratings? Even as unemployment soars, the economy tanks and the NHS shakes itself to bits like a robot dog getting out a lake, Miliband's approval rating is behind Cameron's in the polls 14 points behind as of today.
How is Miliband snatching angst from the jaws of Schadenfreude? Why don't we see him as the future Prime Minister he's been secretly dressing up as since he was four? With me to discuss it are Ed Miliband's biographer Mehdi Hasan, and the Sun on Sunday's Toby Young.
Thank you both for coming.
Toby, aren't people like us, people who comment on things, aren't we in danger of keeping a brilliant, thoughtful politician I'm talking about Ed Miliband out of power, because we can't stop going on about how nerdy he seems? I don't think that's his biggest problem.
Part of the problem he faces is the manner in which he was elected.
He wouldn't have been elected without the backing of the trade unions, which makes him seem like a puppet of the unions.
He's associated with the Gordon Brown regime and that toxic economic legacy.
And the thing most of the public know about Ed Miliband is that he knifed his brother in the back to get the job.
That wouldn't be insurmountable.
Not literally, I should probably clarify.
They wouldn't be insurmountable obstacles, were he a charismatic, dynamic, great communicator.
But even his colleague described him as sounding like a robot with flu.
Even that wouldn't be an insurmountable obstacle if he had clear policy lines, a clear political narrative.
But what are his policy lines? On the welfare reforms, we don't know if he's in favour of them or against them.
On Europe, he criticised Cameron for vetoing the fiscal pact but wouldn't say if he'd sign it.
On the economy, the biggest issue "It's the economy, stupid," as you wrote in your column we don't know what Labour's economic policy is.
They say they want to borrow more to borrow less.
We oppose the cuts, but wouldn't reverse them.
It's not a clear retail message.
You probably believe he can ride the NHS all the way to election victory.
But I don't think he can.
What do you believe? I'm not sure - I'm waiting for Toby to tell me! I think look, give the guy a break.
He's been leader for 18 months.
You said he's doing badly in the personal ratings.
He is - they're pretty bad.
One in four voters confuses him with his brother, which isn't great.
That could be good, because most people think his brother would be better at the job.
It could be a saving grace.
Let's look at the overall ratings.
Today, MORI put out a poll - Labour are six points in the lead.
41% of the vote, Tories on 35%.
That would give Labour, in an election held tomorrow, a landslide majority of 78 seats.
That might not happen tomorrow.
But let's put things in perspective.
He's the leader of the Opposition - that's not easy, especially when you're a Labour leader of the Opposition.
Ask donkey jacket Michael Foot.
They put Neil Kinnock's head in a lightbulb on the front of Toby's paper in 1992.
This is not easy.
Even Tony Blair The point is nobody says it's easy.
But that's no excuse.
It's very difficult, and he's failing.
Is he failing? I question whether he's failing.
He's leading in the polls.
Wait a minute.
He's won five parliamentary by-elections in a row.
He's beating up the Prime Minister on the NHS.
It's not all bad.
You say he's leading in the polls.
The general view I'm not saying he's leading in the polls, it's a fact.
Well, he's Wait a minute.
It's not a fact.
It depends which poll you look at.
It's a fact in the Ipsos/MORI/ Reuters poll this morning, but in the latest YouGov poll, the Tories are leading by one point.
The view is that he's leading by one or two percentage points.
But he should be, given the state of the economy, be leading by 10 or 15 points.
That's a distinction.
Labour is leading in the polls, but in approval ratings, Ed Miliband is behind David Cameron.
It suggests that he's dragging the Labour Party down.
Maybe by the next election, the economy is in a better shape, the coalition are in better shape, then Ed Miliband might be what put the brakes on Labour's chance of electoral victory.
That is an issue.
He has to improve performance.
I agree with Toby on that, he has to improve.
You made the joke earlier about using two words instead of one.
Go work for him and tell him that.
He's looking for a director of rebuttals - you could be that man, David.
Hooray! Shall I leave now? 66 grand a year.
We journalists get obsessed with personalities and leaders.
Nick Clegg was the most popular man in a world for a few weeks, he was mobbed in the streets - Cleggmania.
What did the Lib Dems do at the election? They put on one percentage point and lost seats.
Smooth David Cameron up against the most boring, sulking, uncharismatic leader in modern times, he couldn't win a majority.
Let's not overstate how the public is obsessed with leaders.
I hope the British public is interested in policies, what matters to them and their livelihoods.
Not just leaders.
You said he got some of the policy positions wrong.
You said when he and Ed embraced political conservatism, they'd walked into a Tory trap.
You said they'd hoisted the white flag.
He's getting the politics bit right either, according to you.
He's not a slick performer like Blair or Cameron.
But is that a good? Do we want to be a country consigned to the type of slick leader like Blair and Cameron who are good with the media but sometimes turn out to start illegal wars and lie? There's a job for you, I'm telling you, David.
I don't think slickness is essential, if you're fleet-footed when it comes to the political stuff.
That's his real problem - he hasn't got politics right.
He called Murdoch right last summer.
James Murdoch resigned today, partly because of a decision Ed Miliband took.
When everyone said, "Lay off Rupert Murdoch," he was the first party leader to go after him.
He called the bankers' bonuses That's interesting, because the relationship between political leaders and Murdoch has been talked about a lot.
How much do you think those types of relationships are going to change after the inquiry? Will we still see leaders trying to get into bed with Rupert Murdoch? I'm talking metaphorically - don't be sick.
And how much is that going to change? Rupert Murdoch has been trying to pal up to Alex Salmond.
That's pretty pathetic, isn't it? We will see a more arm's length relationship between politicians and the media.
Whatever the outcome of the inquiry and the police investigations, I don't think it will harm the Tories and help Ed Miliband.
Let's not forget that the Labour Party were as in bed with Rupert Murdoch as the Conservative Party were.
You were saying he was getting the politics wrong.
I'm saying on Murdoch, on responsible capitalism, on bankers' bonuses, on the NHS, he's called issues right.
David Cameron is following him.
Why aren't they doing better in the polls? We can argue about the polls all night long.
The clinch for Ed Miliband will come on May 3rd.
You've got 100% council elections in Scotland and Wales.
A third of council seats in England.
Ken Livingstone.
The Mayoral election in London.
If he does badly in Scotland there's talk of the Labour Party losing control of Glasgow Council to the SNP.
If he does badly in England, the Tories out-polled Labour in the England council elections last year.
And if Boris squeaks in, which I think he will, Ed will have a hard time.
I agree with that.
If it happens.
That's the test for you? No, we're journalists, we set these arbitrary tests.
The man has been leader for 18 months.
In the history of British politics, no Labour leader took its party back into Government after just one term.
That's what he's trying to do.
No leader has ever done that apart from Margaret Thatcher in 1979.
So a sex change? Arguably.
It's an uphill struggle.
Give the man a chance.
After 18 months, we can't say, "Well, he's gone.
" People said, when the Tories outpolled Labour in the UK Council elections last year, people were saying, "He hasn't had a chance to introduce himself to the electorate.
" It's been 18 months, and nobody is warming up to him.
I agree he's got a lot more to do.
If he fares badly on May 3rd, he can't say, like Tony Blair did when people plotted against him, "I've won three general elections.
" He can't say, as Gordon Brown did, "You'll be taking on my political machine.
" He's got no mandate in his party.
Who will be there to protect him apart from you? We'll have to leave it there and wait till May 3rd although we can move before then.
Thank you.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 10 O'Clock Live.
Time to have a little peak at one or two more stories this week, starting with the Oscars, which were on Sunday.
Disappointing night for the Brits, especially Tim Muffett from BBC News.
Here is his awkward attempt to interview the Best Supporting Actress winner, Octavia Spencer.
We're going to the red carpet.
I think we have a winner with Tim.
Morning, Tim.
I'm live with Octavia Spencer, Best Supporting Actress.
Why did The Help capture people's imagination so much? Oh, honey, I honestly Oh, my car's here - sorry! Oof! That's me she's talking about.
I was round the corner.
Ah, yeah.
Things went from bad to worse for Tim when he mistakenly thought he had bagged another star.
Watch this but only through your fingers.
Where's Tom Hanks when you need him? I know, exactly.
I'm going to give him a call.
Patrick Stewart is here.
Ed Lauter.
That's a new one.
Someone just said Patrick Stewart.
I'm so sorry! No, Ed Lauter.
I play the chauffer to Berenice Bejo andthe auction and everything.
It's only my 76th movie.
We finally got an Oscar for Best Film.
We're so happy.
I bet you've never been described as Patrick Stewart before.
Thank you.
Oh, I'm so grateful.
Oh, Jesus! At the Oscars, someone says, "You're Patrick Stewart," he should have gone with it.
He should have improv-ed and gone "Nanu-nanu" or whatever.
Nanu-nanu or whatever? Whatever Patrick Stewart says.
He's a spurious Shakespeare, Dickens expert.
It's such a horrible encounter.
Those are two well-meaning people and they are both made sadder by it.
You've really mellowed out during the break.
Look at that.
I've put a different thing in the bottle.
Look at something like that and you think, people shouldn't meet.
It doesn't end well.
It's always a risk.
Just stay alone.
I often get mistaken, name-wise, for Alan Carr quite a lot.
It's led to some fairly embarrassing incidents in parks.
But no, it does happen quite a lot.
There's another David Mitchell.
It must have happened to you.
There is a novelist of my name, and there was also a Tory MP in the late '80s, and also Dame Nellie Melba's father.
You have Googled yourself.
I have! I've gone down the whole disambiguation.
I get people mistaking me for Charlie Brooks, the EastEnders actress.
Not when I walk into a room.
I'd have thought Laurence Fishburne.
II did once get asked if I was Laurence Fishburne.
You got asked if you were Laurence Fishburne?! I did get asked that.
I don't see colour, Charlie, but even I know you're not! I had a shaved head.
That's all we have time for tonight.
Thank you for watching.
We will see you same time next week.
Good night.
It's Wednesday the 29th of February.
Thanks! Listen, listen.
It's a leap year.
It's that special day, only comes round once every four years, and ladies are permitted to ask men that special question.
So, Charlie I wonder if you would do me the honour of telling me what you're going to be doing on the show tonight.
You teasing cow.
I'm looking at the Sun On Sunday, or SOS for short.
SOS normally means "Save Our Souls".
And if it's a success, it really will save our souls, some of the biggest arseholes in the world.
David, you're going to be looking at Ed Miliband tonight.
Yes.
Well, the Government's in trouble at the moment.
But Ed Miliband is still behind in polls of his personal approval rating.
Oh, dear.
So, the question is, is he missing an open goal? Is he not landing his punches? Or is he such a fucking nerd you can't tell what sport he's playing? Probably lacrosse.
Jimmy, and you are going to be tackling the bleak economic news that the UK's run out of cash? Not worried about running out of cash.
As a nation, I think we have enough Nectar points to see us through.
We could buy a kettle if we pool our resources.
Hope we're all right.
We're going to be seeing how the countdown to the 2012 Olympics is shaping up.
But first, over to Jimmy to tell us about the week so far.
In the news this week, James Murdoch stepped down today as executive chairman of News International.
shredding documents.
It's nothing to do with the scandal.
He's just very privacy conscious I'm legally required to say.
It's been revealed that the Met gave Rebekah Brooks a police horse.
A spokesman said it was just a broken-down old nag who was no longer capable of useful work, so why not give her a horse? Luckily for Rebekah Brooks, you can't be sent to jail for borrowing a police horse.
Unluckily, you can be sent to jail if you systematically bribe a network of public officials.
Doh! David Cameron's NHS reforms continue to cause controversy.
If the reforms go through, patients will be allowed to choose where they're treated.
Of course, most of them will choose to be treated quite near the bit that's hurting.
This NHS bill has now been amended more times than the age on Carol Vorderman's Wikipedia page.
A new report into elderly care says that compassion should be as important as medical skill.
Nurses will no longer use the terms "old dear" or "biddy".
They'll now say person, as in, "Just leave that person on the trolley in the corridor.
" Recommendations also include housing the elderly in self-contained individual patient units or coffins.
The sister ship of the Costa Concordia, the Costa Allegra, has gone adrift without power in the Indian Ocean.
It seems Costa ships are like buses not seaworthy.
The Oscars took place on Sunday evening.
Meryl Streep won her third.
When it comes to the Best Actress Oscar, you've got to hand it to her .
.
cos she's won.
Many people have criticised Streep's portrayal of Margaret Thatcher as only telling half the story, presumably because it only showed her in human form.
Disgraced ex-minister, Chris Huhne, having been charged with perverting the course of justice, is now taking a £17,000 severance package.
Just as well his girlfriend's bisexual, because Chris Huhne is a prick as well as a twat.
This is extraordinary.
A UN narcotics agency has warned some parts of UK cities have become no-go areas due to crime.
These include Moss Side in Manchester, Toxteth in Liverpool and Glasgow in Glasgow.
This week, Pakistani security forces demolished Osama Bin Laden's former compound.
I'm not sure how.
I imagine they flew a couple of planes into it.
It's what he would have wanted.
Barclays Bank has been caught exploiting a half a billion pound tax loophole.
Politicians are putting pressure on Barclays boss Bob Diamond to waive his bonus.
Bob Diamond responded, "Arghh! Look at my bonus.
" And that was the week in news.
Charlie.
Thank you.
Thank you, Jimmy.
Now, this weekend, Rupert Murdoch possibly the least popular Australian since that dingo that ate a baby launched the Sun On Sunday.
And here's fascinating footage of the man himself inspecting Page Three with Sun editor and boggle-eyed hench twit, Dominic Mohan.
"Corr, she looks nice.
"Wonder how she tastes.
Ooh, bonzer!" To promote the new paper, The Sun sent a camera crew out to capture the delighted reactions of everyday folk who clearly hadn't been told what to say at all.
I'm glad the Sun's out on a Sunday now, cos I can watch all read all the football and sports.
Brilliant.
Just picked up my first Sunday Sun, and I can't wait to read the Bizarre for the latest showbiz gossip.
Great to see Sun On Sunday.
Thank you so much.
Pretty convincing stuff.
Normally, when you see poorly shot footage of someone holding up that day's newspaper and reading a prepared statement, it means they're about to have their head sawn off by a Somali pirate.
Mind you, it's not surprising people will endorse The Sun, because people will endorse anything, such as this, my new magazine - the Seal Clubber On Sunday.
Take it away, people.
Really looking forward to Seal Clubber coming out on Sunday especially Page Three.
It's fantastic.
I can catch up with all clubbing murdering news.
I love my Seal Clubber on Sunday.
It gives me all my news.
Ah! Brilliant.
Sadly, despite that marketing push, my seal clubbing magazine has already had to close due to a hacking scandal.
The editor hacked a seal's head off.
No such controversy for the Sun On Sunday, especially fromits feel-good new columnist, the Archbishop of York, John Sentamu, the voice of the steeple, who writes: Well, you know what, John, if you say "wow" just because someone creates a Sunday paper, wait till you read this Yeah.
Because there's a bloke in this who creates a whole universe in seven days.
Never mind "wow".
You're going to be, like, "OMG, amazeballs! The other new columnists were Phil Mitchell lookalike Toby Young and Toby Young lookalike Heston Blumenthal.
So, hang on.
That's three bald men with glasses.
If that's what it takes to be a Sun columnist, then presumably, we can look forward to columns from mirth-maker Harry Hill, Masterchef Gregg Wallace, murderer John Christie, Muppet Dr Bunson, mouse sidekick Penfold, Mahatma Gandhi, molester Gary Glitter and mogul Rupert Murdoch.
Not to mention this boiled egg with glasses on it.
And, to be fair, if you rolled this boiled egg across a keyboard, you'd create a better column than the Archbishop of York.
But will anyone buy the Sun On Sunday next weekend? Well, it's going to have competition, because this week's seen so many revelations about The Sun itself, the Leveson Inquiry has been forced to launch its own paper, just to contain them all.
It comes out this Sunday.
Here it is.
It's the LeveSun on Sunday.
It's got a great big human interest story on the front, "My heart stopped for 40 years".
Now, this week has seen bold new claims about murky dealings between the police and News International.
For instance, it transpired this woman, former Simply Red heartthrob and Sun editor, Rebekah Brooks, was lent a horse by the police.
But then, Rebekah Brooks is genuinely horse mad.
She goes horseriding.
She's married to a racehorse trainer.
She has her own mane, and during her time editing The Sun, there was a startling increase in horse-related headlines.
Now, I'm not just saying that.
Our researchers looked into it.
This is an actual graph depicting how the number of horse stories in The Sun rose dramatically during her time as editor, as you can see.
The tragic irony is if you tried to leap a horse over a jump this big, it'd break its fucking neck.
"Happy now, Rebekah? You just killed a horse.
" Anyway, the woe continued for News International today when James Murdoch finally resigned as the company's executive chair, which means Rupert's going to have to find someone else to sit on.
James has proved such an embarrassment to his dad, there are already rumours Rupert's going to close him down and relaunch him as his son on Sunday.
Murdoch Junior was probably glad to go, as the company is now riven with so much bitter in-fighting that, according to these worrying and alarming scenes, he had to employ a full-time guard to make sure no one stabbed him in the back on his way into the office.
The single chink of light for The Sun is that being at the centre of this scandal, it's placed better than anyone is to carry the full unexpurgated account.
And, sure enough, today's edition of The Sun does not shirk from fearlessly covering the one big story everyone has been talking about.
I don't know if you've seen this.
This is true.
Umm To be fair to The Sun, that was this morning, before James Murdoch resigned.
And, sure enough, tomorrow's Sun doesn't ignore the latest development.
I've got a sneak preview of it here.
Typical Sun.
No matter what's going on, it's always banging on about sponges.
Lauren.
Lovely.
Well, as Charlie said, it was announced today that cartoon baddie James Murdoch is stepping down as executive chairman of News International.
A News Corporation source said: It was about time that James stood down.
I don't know, cos if you think of Rupert Murdoch as Dr Evil, James Murdoch's like Mini Me.
He's not important to the narrative, but you'll miss him when he goes.
He's entertaining.
You know he used to draw comic strips and run a hip hop label? Really? So he should go off and reinvent himself.
Call himself Jaydoch.
Maybe it's not too late.
Well, also this week, Rebekah Brooks has been busy.
In an unusually revealing front page of the Evening Standard, they reported that she received a horse from the Met, as Charlie mentioned, and on the same page, it also appears to indicate that she was being evicted from the Occupy London camp.
Yesterday's news on Monday night.
That is a bad day for gingers, isn't it? Similar to every other day.
Do you think they did that deliberately? They must have noticed, mustn't they? They can't have not.
She doesn't look happy.
No.
So, speaking of Occupy, you know evicted in the dead of night.
Ended in a whimper after beginning with a bang.
David, I know you followed this story.
Were you disappointed? Yes, I was disappointed.
I was disappointed that, well, they were sort of quite clever about it in the end, the authorities.
People lost interest.
People were bored of the hippies in central London, and we didn't really notice when they all got moved aside.
I think it was a shame.
Much as all the people you see on television involved in Occupy seemed really annoying, and playing musical instruments It's the juggling that bothers you.
And the juggling.
In general, basically, I prefer bankers to these people, but You monster! That's in my dark heart.
In my brain I think, no In my brain I'm saying my nicer brain than my horrible evil heart What the hell do you think with? My brain.
I think it's the other way round.
All right.
Don't pick me up with your logic and your words and your reasons.
Yeah.
Sorry, were you based at that camp at all, Charlie? No, I wasn't.
I feel like I've touched a nerve.
Not since we mentioned video games have you got so upset.
This isn't video games.
It's only fucking capitalism.
Who gives a shit? It kind of lacked focus, didn't it, the protest? I think it should have been more like My Big Fat Gypsy Protest.
Cos they didn't have focus.
It wasn't one thing they wanted.
They should have worked towards a wedding.
If it had been a wedding or one big library or free ice cream for 48 hours, that would all have been fine and sorted out.
What they essentially wanted is all the evil plutocrats who work round there to be in some way taken down several million pegs.
That wasn't going to happen ever.
But I quite like the fact that there was this great big mess in the middle of the City of London, reminding everyone how imperfect our society is, and reminding all the horrible bankers on their way to work that not everyone's happy.
I like that it was outside St Paul's and the church complained.
They acted terribly.
It's not as if Jesus ever said anything about temples and money-lenders.
This is the Church of England, and sometimes they complained, sometimes they said it was a good thing.
They were basically as undecided on this as they are over the existence of God.
Well, in need of some incisive analysis of Occupy, we turned to the ever-reliable Daily Mail website for help.
Rob said: Do you think it's about time we had a civil war, Charlie? It's not even closing time yet, surely.
No.
Scotland want independence, don't they? Some people in Scotland want independence.
That is a civil war.
That'll be the next thing.
They'll say it's not a civil war and claim they're another country.
They'll say it's an actual war.
And argue about whether it's a proper war or just a civil war.
That'll be the next thing.
It's tricky.
OK, the protesters also faced some criticism for their apparent lack of commitment.
Artua, an unemployed Polish decorator, said this back in October: Seems reasonable to me.
Where's he going on holiday? I bet he's going camping.
He's got all the gear.
Do you think they didn't do themselves any favours? I don't think it's over.
Because you move the campsite away, I don't think this ends.
It's not, "The problem's solved", or, "We've cured that".
I think camping in tents in squalid conditions is the very much the future.
For all of us.
Kind of The Road style The dream that we might camp the shit out of capitalism is still alive.
They've just been moved to Finsbury Square.
Time for a break, but just before we take that, we have a quick word from our special friends at Costa Cruises, the world's unluckiest cruise company.
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'Costa Cruises.
' This week, George Osborne has said that Britain has run out of money.
What does that mean for the future of the economy? Who better to answer that, than Professor Jane Kerrigan from the London School Of Economics.
Professor, they say that we've run out of money, can that be true? Sadly, George Osborne is right.
The UK is facing its biggest challenge since the 1920s.
The level of public and private '- Jesus, she's dull.
- Blah, blah, blah.
'Is she meant to be one of David's guests? 'Sounds like one of his debates I think.
'I never watch those bits.
That's my hot tub time.
'It's in the contract.
' 'She is brilliant.
'How's Jimmy got his hands on her? 'If I had her in a debate, maybe with someone from a think-tank, 'my God, we'd make some television! 'This idiot's not even listening.
'He's probably wishing he was dressed in a stupid costume 'from the future' It's Wednesday, it's the year 2017, I'm the future Jimmy Carr and this is Future News.
Hello from the future or as we say here in the present, hello from the present.
Today marks five years since Britain ran out of money.
Here in the future, we have a new currency, bricks.
Everything costs one brick unless the shop is double-glazed, in which it costs two bricks.
Things are so bad here in the future, where I am, that we've had to wage war on an oil-rich nation.
Fortunately, Scotland's just become independent.
Easy win, we took their freedom.
Good news, Britain's pension crisis has been resolved by a particularly severe winter.
Brilliant! The reforms of the NHS have finally taken effect in the new-look streamlined NHS.
It's now a mobile kiosk selling paracetamol.
This week it's in Stevenage.
Earlier today, the Treasury was rebranded Wonga.
com.
In his first statement, the new Chancellor, Aleksandr Meerkat .
.
said the solutions to our economic problems were "simples".
Britain's new energy tsar has spoken about the power cuts that have hit the nation.
"No likey, no lighty", said Mr McGuinness.
Politics, and the Labour Party remains in disarray as the party's torn between the leadership of two brothers.
It's Jedward, everyone.
Finally, some sad news, at the age of just 56 journalist and chat show host Piers Morgan, tragically, is still alive.
Our thoughts are with his family.
Now over to Helen with the weather.
'- I dozed off there.
- What's she going on about?' I pressed my thumb into George Osborne's eye and said to him "If you do that again, I will fucking blind you.
" Right, well, food for thought there.
Ladies and gentleman, Professor Carrigan.
Thank you.
Poor the Government.
It's been having a tough time tackling unemployment recently.
First their scheme to get big businesses to take on the jobless was branded slave labour, then last week, Emma Harrison, the back-to-work tsar, was forced to quit.
If only they had a back-to-work tsar to help her find another job.
Who are these tsars anyway? Well, they're experts, brought in by the Government to help with policy and are chosen by a stringent selection process.
I'm just kidding! The Government pretty much think of someone clever and then give them a job or just get one of their mates in.
How could such a rigorous system possibly go wrong? Let's find out.
First tsar in our eyes tonight, Sir Philip Green.
Mr Topshop was appointed the Government's efficiency tsar to offer advice on how Whitehall could cut costs.
As the CEO of a multi-billion pound business, he knows a thing or five about saving money.
Oh, yes he does.
In 2005, he saved £300 million by signing his company over to his wife, who lives in popular tax haven Monaco.
Canny, but not quite the kind of cost cutting measure the Government had in mind and a little bit awkward when they announced a crackdown on tax avoidance a few weeks later.
But hey, the Government don't have time to think things through in that much detail.
They're far too busy appointed new tsars like this guy, Hans-Christian Raber.
Isn't he pretty? In January 2011, he became the Government's drugs tsar.
Don't remember him? Don't blame you.
He got the sack after a fortnight.
It came to light that he had previously written a study linking homosexuality to being a paedophile.
It said "There is an overlap between the gay movement "and the movement to make paedophilia acceptable.
" And he wasn't even on drugs when he wrote that.
Oh, dear.
After he got the chop there was the Big Society tsar, who resigned when he realised his voluntary post was using up all his free time.
Oh, the irony.
With industry experts letting them down there was only one place the Government could turn in its search for a tsar people off the telly.
They know everything.
And they created High Street tsar, Portas, housing star Allsopp, and maths tsar Vorderman.
Yes, that's right, Mr Cameron, who better to remedy the conundrum that is Britain's lost generation of innumerates that a woman who can often, but not always, multiply numbers with other numbers to reach a third number in 30 seconds in a tight dress.
And David, if it's celebrity tsars you want, we have loads.
Here are a few suggestions.
How about press standards and equine care tsar, Rebekah Brooks.
Literacy tsar Joey Essex and race relations tsar John Terry.
I'd offer to be your ill-advised tsar-selecting tsar, although, you're doing quite well on that front yourself.
Carry on.
Yesterday saw the passing of the massively important milestone of 150 days until the Olympics.
Woo-hoo, the big 150.
Obviously So it's the big 149 today? That's today's milestone? Yes.
They marked the big 150 with a fitting event, launching some giant Olympic rings on a barge down the Thames.
Here they go.
Yeah.
Does that make you proud to be British? Yes, very proud Sorry, what's the opposite of proud? Ashamed.
Yes, cringingly ashamed and embarrassed.
I just can't understand why they went to the expense of that when you can just Photoshop it.
It would look just as pointless.
My hair twin Boris Johnson appeared on the news, telling everyone just how amazing the rings are.
Here he is, statesman-like as ever.
'What are you planning for people across the capital?' Well, this is I think a typically inventive way that London's chosen to show some of the Olympic rings on this amazing kind of floating platform, this barge.
But the great thing is that in Games time, it will dock at various places and people will mount cycling machines, bicycles and they will be able by using their economically environmentally friendly way, they will send up great jets of water from the pontoon in an enthusiastic geezer.
Right.
Cycling machines? Credit where credit's due.
That thing is more pointless than it looks, which is no mean feat.
You've got a water pistol firing Weil's disease out the back of it.
I genuinely don't understand.
At the moment it's just a barge with the logo of the Olympics on it.
Which should properly be on an Olympic Stadium not on a barge.
But it's OK because soon they're going to put cycling machines around the giant Bicycles they're called.
He was wrong in correcting himself.
He doesn't mean bicycles.
If you put a bicycle on a barge and tell them to have a go, they'll ride off the side! He means cycling machines that are going to pump water into the air in a celebratory way covering the giant logo, that should be on the stadium, with water while people cycle.
Have I got it right? I think that's basically that.
Take that, Beijing! Unlucky! Win! The question is"Why?" You don't need to get to that stage.
You can just look at Boris Johnson and say "why?!" We fancied a change.
We voted him in.
Plans for the opening ceremony have been revealed.
It will feature NHS nurses, 900 school children and a 27-ton bell.
Do you think that's going to be a show to remember, Charlie? That's what I look for when looking for edge-of-the-seat spectacle, I look for a massive bell.
That's what you want.
There's not enough bells.
You know what they need? They need a PE teacher and a whistle.
Sports day, that's what is required.
I think they need "Come on, everyone, settle down.
We're racing, 100 metres.
" The thing that frustrates me about the Olympics is all the events.
I think it's fine to have an Olympics lots of sports and I don't want to get involved myself, but I appreciate the enthusiasm.
Why do we need all this bullshit around it? Why do we need a fucking clock? Why do we need a logo on a barge? Why do we need an opening ceremony? Why do we need a cultural fucking Olympiad? We don't need any of these things.
We just need the running races and someone to time them.
I'm with you.
I mean, I don't particularly get it.
However, there is a group of people that are particularly upset about being left out of the plans.
Can you guess who? Was it David? He seems upset about something.
The problem is that this is gin.
It's not, David.
It's actually British Morris dancers.
No, no, it's water! Are you saying this is liquidised humans?! The President of the Morris Dancing Federation said: Can you guess how they're going to show their anger? With a rubbish Morris dance? Yeah.
Morris dancers are so annoying.
In this instance though, they will also be annoyed.
Think of the intensity of this! A dance of rage! It will be like something out of the end of The Wicker Man.
The world will end with their dance of rage.
That's a rubbish apocalypse! Moving on to tickets for the Games, it emerged that even newborn babies will need a full-priced ticket.
Unsurprisingly, this did not go down well on Mumsnet.
Hello, Mumsnet! I love Mumsnet.
Sorry, I'm getting it mixed up with the MILF thing.
I'm always doing that.
Meez on Mumsnet wrote: It's good.
Babies should have to pay double to be there.
People shouldn't take babies to the Olympics, especially because given we're so mimsy and nice about babies, there'll probably be a baby Olympics in this country.
People will just take their flipping babies and make them crawl around and give them a gold medal just for being a fucking baby! I can't wait for him to change his tune.
Time now for a break! Welcome back.
Today, a sudden crisis meant that Ed Miliband had to break off from high-level discussions about the off-putting nature of his haircut.
Trade union leader Len McCluskey said his union, Unite, might disrupt the Olympics.
David Cameron called on Miliband to rein McCluskey in.
But Unite is Labour's biggest donor.
So it's like Rudolph trying to rein in Santa.
Miliband tried his best to do what Cameron told him.
"Any threat to the Olympics is totally unacceptable and wrong.
" Characteristically using two adjectives where one would do.
But will this firm, obedient line help his poll ratings? Even as unemployment soars, the economy tanks and the NHS shakes itself to bits like a robot dog getting out a lake, Miliband's approval rating is behind Cameron's in the polls 14 points behind as of today.
How is Miliband snatching angst from the jaws of Schadenfreude? Why don't we see him as the future Prime Minister he's been secretly dressing up as since he was four? With me to discuss it are Ed Miliband's biographer Mehdi Hasan, and the Sun on Sunday's Toby Young.
Thank you both for coming.
Toby, aren't people like us, people who comment on things, aren't we in danger of keeping a brilliant, thoughtful politician I'm talking about Ed Miliband out of power, because we can't stop going on about how nerdy he seems? I don't think that's his biggest problem.
Part of the problem he faces is the manner in which he was elected.
He wouldn't have been elected without the backing of the trade unions, which makes him seem like a puppet of the unions.
He's associated with the Gordon Brown regime and that toxic economic legacy.
And the thing most of the public know about Ed Miliband is that he knifed his brother in the back to get the job.
That wouldn't be insurmountable.
Not literally, I should probably clarify.
They wouldn't be insurmountable obstacles, were he a charismatic, dynamic, great communicator.
But even his colleague described him as sounding like a robot with flu.
Even that wouldn't be an insurmountable obstacle if he had clear policy lines, a clear political narrative.
But what are his policy lines? On the welfare reforms, we don't know if he's in favour of them or against them.
On Europe, he criticised Cameron for vetoing the fiscal pact but wouldn't say if he'd sign it.
On the economy, the biggest issue "It's the economy, stupid," as you wrote in your column we don't know what Labour's economic policy is.
They say they want to borrow more to borrow less.
We oppose the cuts, but wouldn't reverse them.
It's not a clear retail message.
You probably believe he can ride the NHS all the way to election victory.
But I don't think he can.
What do you believe? I'm not sure - I'm waiting for Toby to tell me! I think look, give the guy a break.
He's been leader for 18 months.
You said he's doing badly in the personal ratings.
He is - they're pretty bad.
One in four voters confuses him with his brother, which isn't great.
That could be good, because most people think his brother would be better at the job.
It could be a saving grace.
Let's look at the overall ratings.
Today, MORI put out a poll - Labour are six points in the lead.
41% of the vote, Tories on 35%.
That would give Labour, in an election held tomorrow, a landslide majority of 78 seats.
That might not happen tomorrow.
But let's put things in perspective.
He's the leader of the Opposition - that's not easy, especially when you're a Labour leader of the Opposition.
Ask donkey jacket Michael Foot.
They put Neil Kinnock's head in a lightbulb on the front of Toby's paper in 1992.
This is not easy.
Even Tony Blair The point is nobody says it's easy.
But that's no excuse.
It's very difficult, and he's failing.
Is he failing? I question whether he's failing.
He's leading in the polls.
Wait a minute.
He's won five parliamentary by-elections in a row.
He's beating up the Prime Minister on the NHS.
It's not all bad.
You say he's leading in the polls.
The general view I'm not saying he's leading in the polls, it's a fact.
Well, he's Wait a minute.
It's not a fact.
It depends which poll you look at.
It's a fact in the Ipsos/MORI/ Reuters poll this morning, but in the latest YouGov poll, the Tories are leading by one point.
The view is that he's leading by one or two percentage points.
But he should be, given the state of the economy, be leading by 10 or 15 points.
That's a distinction.
Labour is leading in the polls, but in approval ratings, Ed Miliband is behind David Cameron.
It suggests that he's dragging the Labour Party down.
Maybe by the next election, the economy is in a better shape, the coalition are in better shape, then Ed Miliband might be what put the brakes on Labour's chance of electoral victory.
That is an issue.
He has to improve performance.
I agree with Toby on that, he has to improve.
You made the joke earlier about using two words instead of one.
Go work for him and tell him that.
He's looking for a director of rebuttals - you could be that man, David.
Hooray! Shall I leave now? 66 grand a year.
We journalists get obsessed with personalities and leaders.
Nick Clegg was the most popular man in a world for a few weeks, he was mobbed in the streets - Cleggmania.
What did the Lib Dems do at the election? They put on one percentage point and lost seats.
Smooth David Cameron up against the most boring, sulking, uncharismatic leader in modern times, he couldn't win a majority.
Let's not overstate how the public is obsessed with leaders.
I hope the British public is interested in policies, what matters to them and their livelihoods.
Not just leaders.
You said he got some of the policy positions wrong.
You said when he and Ed embraced political conservatism, they'd walked into a Tory trap.
You said they'd hoisted the white flag.
He's getting the politics bit right either, according to you.
He's not a slick performer like Blair or Cameron.
But is that a good? Do we want to be a country consigned to the type of slick leader like Blair and Cameron who are good with the media but sometimes turn out to start illegal wars and lie? There's a job for you, I'm telling you, David.
I don't think slickness is essential, if you're fleet-footed when it comes to the political stuff.
That's his real problem - he hasn't got politics right.
He called Murdoch right last summer.
James Murdoch resigned today, partly because of a decision Ed Miliband took.
When everyone said, "Lay off Rupert Murdoch," he was the first party leader to go after him.
He called the bankers' bonuses That's interesting, because the relationship between political leaders and Murdoch has been talked about a lot.
How much do you think those types of relationships are going to change after the inquiry? Will we still see leaders trying to get into bed with Rupert Murdoch? I'm talking metaphorically - don't be sick.
And how much is that going to change? Rupert Murdoch has been trying to pal up to Alex Salmond.
That's pretty pathetic, isn't it? We will see a more arm's length relationship between politicians and the media.
Whatever the outcome of the inquiry and the police investigations, I don't think it will harm the Tories and help Ed Miliband.
Let's not forget that the Labour Party were as in bed with Rupert Murdoch as the Conservative Party were.
You were saying he was getting the politics wrong.
I'm saying on Murdoch, on responsible capitalism, on bankers' bonuses, on the NHS, he's called issues right.
David Cameron is following him.
Why aren't they doing better in the polls? We can argue about the polls all night long.
The clinch for Ed Miliband will come on May 3rd.
You've got 100% council elections in Scotland and Wales.
A third of council seats in England.
Ken Livingstone.
The Mayoral election in London.
If he does badly in Scotland there's talk of the Labour Party losing control of Glasgow Council to the SNP.
If he does badly in England, the Tories out-polled Labour in the England council elections last year.
And if Boris squeaks in, which I think he will, Ed will have a hard time.
I agree with that.
If it happens.
That's the test for you? No, we're journalists, we set these arbitrary tests.
The man has been leader for 18 months.
In the history of British politics, no Labour leader took its party back into Government after just one term.
That's what he's trying to do.
No leader has ever done that apart from Margaret Thatcher in 1979.
So a sex change? Arguably.
It's an uphill struggle.
Give the man a chance.
After 18 months, we can't say, "Well, he's gone.
" People said, when the Tories outpolled Labour in the UK Council elections last year, people were saying, "He hasn't had a chance to introduce himself to the electorate.
" It's been 18 months, and nobody is warming up to him.
I agree he's got a lot more to do.
If he fares badly on May 3rd, he can't say, like Tony Blair did when people plotted against him, "I've won three general elections.
" He can't say, as Gordon Brown did, "You'll be taking on my political machine.
" He's got no mandate in his party.
Who will be there to protect him apart from you? We'll have to leave it there and wait till May 3rd although we can move before then.
Thank you.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 10 O'Clock Live.
Time to have a little peak at one or two more stories this week, starting with the Oscars, which were on Sunday.
Disappointing night for the Brits, especially Tim Muffett from BBC News.
Here is his awkward attempt to interview the Best Supporting Actress winner, Octavia Spencer.
We're going to the red carpet.
I think we have a winner with Tim.
Morning, Tim.
I'm live with Octavia Spencer, Best Supporting Actress.
Why did The Help capture people's imagination so much? Oh, honey, I honestly Oh, my car's here - sorry! Oof! That's me she's talking about.
I was round the corner.
Ah, yeah.
Things went from bad to worse for Tim when he mistakenly thought he had bagged another star.
Watch this but only through your fingers.
Where's Tom Hanks when you need him? I know, exactly.
I'm going to give him a call.
Patrick Stewart is here.
Ed Lauter.
That's a new one.
Someone just said Patrick Stewart.
I'm so sorry! No, Ed Lauter.
I play the chauffer to Berenice Bejo andthe auction and everything.
It's only my 76th movie.
We finally got an Oscar for Best Film.
We're so happy.
I bet you've never been described as Patrick Stewart before.
Thank you.
Oh, I'm so grateful.
Oh, Jesus! At the Oscars, someone says, "You're Patrick Stewart," he should have gone with it.
He should have improv-ed and gone "Nanu-nanu" or whatever.
Nanu-nanu or whatever? Whatever Patrick Stewart says.
He's a spurious Shakespeare, Dickens expert.
It's such a horrible encounter.
Those are two well-meaning people and they are both made sadder by it.
You've really mellowed out during the break.
Look at that.
I've put a different thing in the bottle.
Look at something like that and you think, people shouldn't meet.
It doesn't end well.
It's always a risk.
Just stay alone.
I often get mistaken, name-wise, for Alan Carr quite a lot.
It's led to some fairly embarrassing incidents in parks.
But no, it does happen quite a lot.
There's another David Mitchell.
It must have happened to you.
There is a novelist of my name, and there was also a Tory MP in the late '80s, and also Dame Nellie Melba's father.
You have Googled yourself.
I have! I've gone down the whole disambiguation.
I get people mistaking me for Charlie Brooks, the EastEnders actress.
Not when I walk into a room.
I'd have thought Laurence Fishburne.
II did once get asked if I was Laurence Fishburne.
You got asked if you were Laurence Fishburne?! I did get asked that.
I don't see colour, Charlie, but even I know you're not! I had a shaved head.
That's all we have time for tonight.
Thank you for watching.
We will see you same time next week.
Good night.