1600 Penn s01e01 Episode Script

This is a day of destiny.
The day we stand up against our tormenters.
They think they're so cool because of the cool things they do and say.
And their hair.
But we've taken enough harassment from these guys.
Their hair looks so effortless.
They trashed our house, mocked us all over campus One of them stole Mike's girlfriend.
- I still love her.
- Mike still loves her.
But now we exact our revenge.
Wait.
What are we doing, exactly? Step 1 : we set off the fireworks display on their lawn.
Step 2 : it scares the crap out of them.
This is such a good plan.
Gather water! The prank has gone wrong! Is everybody out? This is a serious situation! They got Doug! Stop chasing me! Fire is our common enemy right now! Hey, guys.
College, am I right? What a crazy time in our lives.
Meatball is in the oven.
He said my code name! Sourced By: Deafdude 1600 PENN S01 Ep01 - Putting Out Fires Early this morning, the President received word of an incident on the college campus of his oldest son Standrich, known by all of us, affectionately, as Skip.
Has Skip received any kind of preferential treatment in this matter? He has not nor will not receive any special treatment because his father's the President.
In fact, most people meet Skip and forget that his father's the President.
You all have a good day.
Kids, let's hear it for First Lady Emily Nash Gilchrist.
I'm so proud of all you girls.
And I know if my stepdaughter Becca were here she would say the same thing.
So do any of you girls have any questions? Yes.
What does it mean when my dad says you're a trophy wife? Well, do you have any trophies? Yeah.
For winning in soccer.
And I'm sure you're very proud of that soccer trophy.
Because trophies aren't just pretty.
They denote accomplishment.
Like putting yourself through law school, running a dozen successful political campaigns by the age of 40, and still managing to get to the gym three days a week-- and I mean real classes, not just standing there on the elliptical.
So if your dad has any further thoughts on trophies, wives or otherwise, I think you should show him your soccer trophy and tell him to shove No! We are so out of time.
Let's multiply.
Yay! So, no Becca.
Hopefully she'll have time for our interview later.
Of course.
Though we may have to pull her away from volunteering at the soup kitchen or teaching Japanese to little Japanese children.
Where's Becca? 20 on Miss Perfect? Ew.
Okay Is it plus? It's plus.
Bad brand.
This is the first time you don't want to ace a test.
Come on! Perfect.
And finally, Mr.
President, we're implementing your insurance reforms.
Good job, everybody.
Now we just gotta keep our eye on the ball.
Two dozen Latin American leaders arrive today, and they are not leaving until they approve my trade deal.
If you'll excuse me, I have to go talk some sense into my son.
Hey.
So how was the event with Becca? She bailed on me.
I'm not sure why, but I'm guessing it's because I'm still the evil stepmom.
But don't worry.
I'm gonna win her over.
She's gonna love me whether she likes it or not.
That's the spirit.
I think.
Sir.
After the Latin American leaders arrive, you have that "friendly" game of tennis with the Brazilian president.
Where I let him win.
I got it.
And the First Lady arranged for Skip to record a fire safety video.
Yeah, I figured he could be like a role model.
Son, I'm disappointed in you about this fire.
But deep down inside, I know that you are awesome.
That is why I have appointed you Chief Astronaut.
No, Dad, I can't accept it.
You must.
For this nation! And for these ladies.
Where did you guys come from? Hi, I'm Skip.
Tell me, have you always been Asian? Why the pregnant pause? Come here, sister! I am in so much trouble! Yeah.
So much history here, right? Roosevelt, Superman Skip let me ask you something.
You've had to you know, deliver a lot of rough news to Dad over the years, right? Tons of times.
I'm kind of an expert at it.
Do you have some kind of special technique, or Let's role-play.
I've been work-shopping a pretty killer impression of Dad.
That's not really what I had in mind.
Okay.
Becca you are an amazing, brilliant human being.
Skip is right to be suspicious.
You are my favorite.
Well, Dad, I really need why am I indulging this? You sound nothing like Dad.
Skip, don't sit in my chair.
That's actually not that bad.
Maybe try it a little gruffer, like you're an angry cowboy Dad! Momily Aw, Skip.
Nothing fazes you.
Not even the things that should.
I'm unflappable.
All right, Skip, can you sit down for a second? Skip, I think it's time for you to come home from school.
Seven years of college is plenty.
I'm three credits shy of graduating.
You said that last year.
Doesn't make it less true.
Mrs.
Gilchrist, Xander and Marigold's school is on the line.
Hello? Yes, Ms.
Esslinger.
What seems to be the prob Yes.
She's right here.
Sorry about that Yes, we will talk to them.
Thank you.
Xander and Marigold were sent home from school for fighting.
They have an armed escort.
Who are they fighting? Becca! Marigold, you've betrayed me for the last time! Don't be so dramatic.
I'm going to betray you lots more times.
Knuckle noogie! - Dad, make her stop! - Enough.
Couch.
Now.
You seriously hurt me.
I am shocked.
Do you two want to get kicked out of school? We'd be better off.
It's a fascist institution.
What's going on with you guys? I don't want to talk about it.
Fine.
Then go to your rooms.
And Skip, can you head upstairs? Emily and I have a little project for you.
I love projects.
I'll talk to Xander and Marigold.
See if I can break through to them.
Becca, don't scoff.
It's not called the Oval Scoffice.
God.
Do better, Emily.
Come on Isn't it nice to have everybody under one roof again? I miss it.
I wish that we could go out for pizza like the old days.
With Mom? Dad can we talk? Sir, the Latin Americans are gathering outside.
You only have a few minutes before De Soto arrives.
Sorry, Becca, today is well, actually it's just about like every other day.
Can it wait? Yeah.
I know this jacket makes me look skinny, but it makes me feel fat.
All you have to do is read, Skip.
No.
I want to do so much more.
I'm going to make my dad proud, Marshall Mathers.
I'm going to make love to that audience.
No, not in like a dirty way.
I mean like in a romantic comedy from the '80s, when somebody's like, "Hey, I want to marry you," and the other person's like, "No.
" And then they're like, "I'm gonna get on that plane," and the other person's like, "You can't get on that plane.
"Wait.
You can.
Security hasn't taken precautions post-9/11 yet.
" Skip.
Skip It feels like It's just 30 seconds of text.
I just I don't like your tone.
Mr.
President, many of us would support your trade agreement, but we are under terrific pressure from Brazil to vote against you.
Yeah, De Soto has a little ax to grind.
Ever since that G20 incident.
America wins! It was regrettable, and Skip, please.
You can do this.
It's just, I've said the word "fire" so many times, it just sounds so weird to me now.
- Fahyer.
Fower? Fahherrr - Okay.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
How about this? Let's just pretend like the camera's not even here.
See, Marshall, now that's helpful.
Hi.
I'm Skip Gilchrist, You may know me from such things as the White House - Skip.
Skip! - What? You have to look at the camera.
You said pretend it's not there.
Know it's there, but pretend like it's not there.
There not there.
Marshall, you sound like a crazy person.
I'm sorry that De Soto has made it personal, but this deal is good for all of us.
let's fight fire with fire safety.
I think we got it! No.
No! President De Soto, welcome to the United States.
I just hope to avoid bodily injury.
We'll keep you out of harm's way.
Maybe try a little bit harder? I'm so sorry! Guys, guys! As I said, Skip is deeply sorry about fire.
Both fires.
Can we please move on to literally any other topic? - I really doubt it.
- You know what else is on fire? The American auto industry.
Anything? OK, first of all, I'm crazy sorry.
The frat house fire, real boner move.
We talked about that earlier.
But this second fire, it's a freak thing.
If anything, it's because I was trying too hard to do what you asked.
I'm not blaming you, but Skip.
Do you know why I decided to you should move back here? So that I could be surrounded by people who can keep an eye on me? Absolutely.
But also, this can be a new phase in your life.
A chance for you to become a doer of things, rather than a man to whom things are done.
To be the lion, and not the gazelle.
To be a man a man, Skip.
My God.
I love you so much.
Okay.
You and I are different.
In a lot of ways, you're more like your mother.
She had a spark, you know? A way with people I never had, and you have that, too.
I have a spark.
All I ask is that you use that spark for something other than setting things on fire.
Sir? You good with the game plan? De Soto's champ because I whipped him on his turf, so now I let him whip me on mine-- hatchet buried.
Though I'd rather send him home with a racket down his Panama Canal Enrique! I'm about to do to you what China did to your manufacturing sector.
You got lucky on that one, Enrique.
Luck is for Americans.
I'm gonna treat you like you treated your indigenous peoples.
No, Dad.
Come on! He needs a spark.
May hey, may I have your attention, please? Thank you.
My dad didn't fight his way across Iraq in the Desert Storm operations to lose a battle on our soil.
Dale won't fail; I just need one other person to not make this not feel so awkward.
That's perfect.
You'll be great.
Dale won't fail.
Dale won't fail.
Dale won't fail.
Feel it! Dale won't fail.
Dad, I'm using my spark! Based on our conversation.
Be the lion, not the Gisele.
It's your serve, Gisele.
Dale won't fail.
Dale won't fail.
Dale won't fail.
U.
S.
A.
-- let's switch it up.
- U.
S.
A.
-- yeah, more pride.
- U.
S.
A.
U.
S.
A.
That's it! - U.
S.
A.
U.
S.
A.
! - Now, let me feel it.
- U.
S.
A.
- Back row.
U.
S.
A.
U.
S.
A.
U.
S.
A.
U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
Maybe we have a match after all.
Becca, Becca.
Look, I didn't want to get into it this morning in front of your father, but you and I have got to talk.
We've been over and ovary this.
What did you just say? I mean let's fetus facts.
Will we always get along? Maybe, baby not.
But you have to come to term with the idea that I'm here, uterus dilated single mother.
What? You and I are related one way or the other.
I can't deal with this.
Where are you going? I am going to talk to Xander and Marigold about why they're fighting.
Well, that's why I'm here.
Is it? Becca, I don't want to get into a competition with you.
Match point.
Go, Dad! Sir! Sir.
The plan? It's just so much patriotic chanting.
It's intoxicating.
All you have to do is lose this tiebreaker.
He'll be happy and he'll stop blocking the deal.
Papa! Jimmy here is your #1 fan.
His one wish was to come to the White House.
You're his hero.
I believe in you, President Gilchrist.
Come on.
So, that's why they were fighting.
Pretty shocking? Yes, I know, I know.
Yeah, I mean Xander told me everything.
Marigold told me yeah, the whole thing.
Well, I don't want to betray her confidence, so what did Xander say? Marigold didn't tell you anything, did she? Not a word.
Xander has a crush on some girl named Jessica.
Marigold was giving him a hard time about it.
Good try though.
Damn it.
So how we celebrating this victory? Thinking something small, Rose Garden, no plus ones? Mr.
President, you mark my words, I will not be humiliated again.
I've said that a lot of times.
Always comes back to bite me.
Skip, stop talking.
The president was supposed to lose this game.
It was the key to a big trade deal.
I was just trying to help.
It's okay, Skip.
I think you've done enough helping today.
I really was trying this time, you know? I can't believe I let him down again.
Please.
Skip is coming.
When I'm stressed, I snack.
Me, too.
Thank goodness we both have amazing metabolisms.
I'm making a salad.
Think I'll have a salad.
So, why are you snacking? I just wish people would be more upfront.
Preaching to the choir.
Every time I try to talk to Becca about our stuff, she runs away.
Then you should speak to her somewhere she can't run.
That's how I got Cara Niam to give me a definitive "no" on prom, you know, so I could make other plans.
You know what, Skip? You're right.
It's better to just put yourself out there.
That's what you do.
You should never be ashamed of that.
Dad, sorry I let you down.
I'll make it up to you.
Skip, you're my best friend.
Hola.
Agua may llama Skip, and I just want to say I am mucho sorry for screwing up your trade agreement.
Skip Gilchrist.
You threw a flaming chair at our colleague, the leader of Brazil, President Enrique Hernando Feliz Navidad De Soto.
I know and I just want to say that Nice work.
Come.
Drink with us.
There's nothing girls can't achieve when it comes to math and science.
Yet only 20% of engineering students are women.
So, why did you two team up for this? Well, originally when I began my degree, I remember Actually, there was a story that touched us both.
We heard about a math class that lost its teacher.
What happened was a very talented student-teacher stepped up and taught the class for a while, but then the school found a sub.
Unfortunately, the sub had no clue how to handle the class.
The sub felt she could do a good job if she wasn't constantly being undermined by the student teacher.
The student teacher probably felt that the sub took the job for all the wrong reasons.
Is the wrong reason love? Of math and science? What was that? A metaphor.
Who cares? At least we're finally talking about it.
You want to talk? Let's talk! Guys, guys, it was a tennis ball, not a cruise missile.
Yeah, those are gonna be coming from Brazil.
And we are done here.
My point is you deserve a chance to be a girl.
Go to parties.
Mess up a little.
And what if I did? What if one time I actually let loose and made a mistake? It would be healthy.
No, no, I don't think so.
I do.
I'm pregnant.
It's okay.
You're gonna be okay.
No.
I feel like I'm losing my mind.
I'm seeing things.
I'm hearing things.
I'm talking to you about my feelings, which I never do.
- There she is.
- You know what? I'm glad my dad smashed a ball into this guy's sternum.
Even if it ruined everything.
Because De Soto, he's a bully.
Skip is right.
He's got us over a barrel like a bunch of Ecuadorians.
Hey.
Us, too.
He's been leaving me the worst voicemails.
But you've taken enough harassment from this guy.
His moustache is so effortless.
He's threatened your economies, turned you against each other.
He stole Miguel's mistress.
I still love her.
Miguel still loves her.
But now you can stand up to him.
This is a day of destiny.
Aye compete-o? Do you understand? How do you say that? Comprende? Comprende.
Si.
I have the votes.
Your trade deal will crumble like your nation's aging infrastructure.
Guy's got a million of those.
Mr.
President, we are ready to vote.
All in favor.
How did this happen? You divided us.
Skip united us.
And that just had a better feel to it.
Dad, I'm sorry I'm in your seat again No, it's okay.
Stay.
None of us is perfect.
We give in to pride.
We hold on to resentment.
And sometimes, Yeah oop we just grow up.
Nice, nice.
Dad, I have to tell you something.
This was a great idea.
We needed to get out of the house.
And allies, like any family, have differences.
What matters is that we overcome them, that we learn to trust each other.
So, why'd you give your brother such a hard time about that Jessica girl? I'm sorry, I just, I never had feelings like this before.
You have a crush, too.
Well, you're 13.
That's a good thing.
So, what's his name? Jessica.
And if we can do that, if we can hold fast to one another even in the chaos of this world, we're gonna be just fine.
Skip, you need to know, when you want Gilchrists to make a bunch of embarrassing mistakes, we'd like to vote for 'em first.
Okay, thank you very much.
And, and the president, please, can someone tell him that Brazil is an ally? On the bright side now, the Pentagon has lined up a badminton game between President Gilchrist and the ayatollah I'd pummel his ass, too.
So it turns out, Skip is moving back home to the White House, so on behalf of all late-night comics, thank you.
You're welcome.
Be right back after this.