1600 Penn s01e04 Episode Script

1 - Is in a meeting! - Dad, dad! What if I told you that I found a way to combine one of my favorite passions with an employment opportunity? I'd say just make sure you thought it through.
Okay, I thought, I thought you were going to say "tell me more," so we're kind of going off script here.
- Which passion are we talking about? - Magic.
No.
Good, then we're back on the script.
Look, you know I've got the skill.
There's not a pair of cuffs that can hold me.
And you've always said do what you love, and the money will follow.
That's not the case with magic.
Isn't it? What's that? I believe this is yours, sir? Don't dad, don't you want to ask how I did that? I can't tell you, but you can ask.
Good morning, everybody.
We don't have much.
Today, the president and first lady welcome the Austrian Chancellor for a series of bi-lateral meetings.
So, I'm sure you have questions about that.
Evan.
Who's the father of Becca's baby? Is it any of the men who have come forward? As-as I have said, it is a private family matter.
I'm not going to stand up here and give every fame-seeking wacko a comment.
Is it the physical therapist from the Bethesda? Is the puppeteer from Wichita Falls? It's a private family It's not the damn puppeteer.
No comment.
No comment.
I beg you, can we please, please, focus on the arrival of the Austrian Chancellor? Sure.
Does the Austrian Chancellor have any comment on Becca's pregnancy? Sir, ma'am You'll greet her, followed by the first gentleman.
"Mister," or "herr Von Konig," for him.
"Madame Chancellor" for her.
You know, I met her at a conference a few years ago, I'll probably call her Bianca.
How wonderful.
Hopefully, she'll take it in the spirit it's intended, and not as a naked breach of etiquette.
That guy's obsessed with protocol.
Winslow is the chief protocol officer, honey.
I mean, you don't complain that your doctor's obsessed with medicine.
Yeah, well, I'm tired of the passive-aggressive history lessons.
Jackie Kennedy did this, Dolly Madison did that Guess what? On Dolly's watch, this place burned to the ground.
Because of a war.
I'm just saying.
Hey, Brad, I was so excited about their visit, I ate five Vienna sausages.
You want to see a magic trick? Madam Chancellor, Mr.
Von Konig, welcome to the White House.
Madam Chancellor Please, call me Bianca.
I mean, did we not meet in Bonn? We certainly did, Bianca.
Mr.
President, may we have a photo, please.
Absolutely.
Herr, if you don't mind, here.
I'm needed in a situation.
Of course, Mr.
President.
First lady and I will take it from here.
We've secured the perimeter.
Just waiting for your order.
We're sure this is our man? The leads pan out.
He matches the description.
Short of a DNA test, we believe that he's the father of Becca's baby.
Was he in the Navy, as Becca suspected? Well, not the "new Navy.
" Hey, buddy, you're not allowed to bring food or beverages into the fitting room.
Dude, I saw you bring your yoshinoya beef bowl in there.
We're with the secret service, son.
We're going to need you to come with us.
1600 PENN S01 Ep04 - Meet the Parent You and I are going to have a conversation now.
But I don't know Don't interrupt me! Yes, yes, president Mr.
Pres Mr.
President Did you really think you could do what you did, and then just disappear? Whatever it is I did, I did not think I could just do it and disappear.
No way I wouldn't do that If I did that Are you playing games with me? Wait, do you think I'm a spy? I'm not a spy.
Or maybe I'm one of those spies that doesn't know it until I've been activated.
What? Why would I suggest something like that? I haven't been activated.
Send her in.
Do you even know who my daughter is? Maybe we're spies together Damn it, please don't listen to me.
I'm super nervous.
Hey, dad, what's up? Dad?! You said you were having trouble tracking this guy down.
I just wanted you to find his phone number.
You didn't tell me your dad was the president of America.
Yes, I did.
So, you don't think it's weird that I'm the first daughter? Not at all, I'm the oldest in my family, too.
So what do you do? I work at Old Navy.
A Navy man.
So, what's why you kept asking if the secret service agent was my boyfriend? That guy seemed really clingy.
Come on Dad, can I just speak with D.
B.
Alone please? If you so much as utter one disrespectful word to my daughter, I will find you.
I have robots that roam the skies.
Cool.
Sky robots.
Sorry he can be a little protective.
That's okay.
At least we're back in touch.
What have you been up to? You really don't know? Don't you watch the news? Sports news.
It's a kind of news.
Okay well You remember that time we played one-on-one and didn't have a goalie and we bowled a strike? Wait, are you pregnant? Seriously? That made sense to you? Look, I'm only telling you because you have the right to know, not because I expect anything from you and your do you call that a swimmer's build? I know what to do.
No, no, no, no, don't do that.
Will you marry me Becca? It's Becca, right? That is very sweet, but, I can do this on my own.
So, it does not take a village.
Not for me.
So just stay right there, and I will leave you now.
Good day, sir, good day.
Good luck with the athletics.
Is it cool for me to be in here alone? You're not alone.
My toilet was clogged again, so I used dad's powder room Heard everything.
- You are having a day? - Well I'm Standrich Gilchrest Jr.
, but my friends all call me Skip, and I would like you to do the same.
Okay.
I don't believe in handshakes.
I could use a hug.
You're so sweaty.
Am I hearing this right? Is this true? You have the baby's father in your office? That I do flushed him right out of his spider hole.
You mean the friendship heights mall? And you say I go overboard.
Dale, what are you going to do with him? I'm going to make him face the music.
What does that mean? I'm gonna hang him up by his bootstraps, take him out to the woodshed, give him what for.
Okay, and what are you going to do with him when you're done speaking in macho metaphor? I don't know.
Ma'am, I'm glad I caught you.
I have just a few dozen details to go over.
Immediately prior to the luncheon, the Austrian attaché will announce them, at which point I shall announce you Winslow, I appreciate the attention to detail, I really do, but for starters, I don't want us to be announced.
Excellent.
Yes, and those place cards, we don't need those at the table.
We know who we are.
No place cards.
Well, if Abigail Fillmore can start a tradition, I suppose we can end one.
Melissa, leave that cart there.
And that China It's just too formal.
I want them to feel like guests in a home, not visitors at a museum.
If I may, Ms.
Gilchrest, that China was selected I don't care if Mary Todd Lincoln served emancipation proclamation pudding on these plates, we are not using them.
- Is that clear? - As you wish.
Your dad seems tough.
Yeah.
Tough, but fair.
Yeah, he seems like the kind of guy with a hard exterior, but ultimately loving center, who doesn't show it that often, 'cause that's not how he was raised.
Do me? Actually, you seem a lot like me.
Totally.
Let me ask you this, okay? And if you don't feel comfortable with his question, you absolutely don't have to answer.
- Okay? You understand? - Yeah.
- What's your favorite salad? - Taco salad.
Taco salad I knew it.
On the count of three, name your favorite animated TV series from the 1980s about feline warriors.
One, two, three Thundercats! It's like looking in a mirror.
Internalizing.
"No comment.
" Let me hear you say it.
Excuse me.
Becca, we need to talk.
Marshall, this is not the time.
I really can't talk about us right now.
That's actually great, because there is no us.
There is you, a guy named D.
B.
, and the national press corps, who, like chimps, are cute as babies, but grow up to be quite mean.
Well, I don't know what I want to tell them yet.
Great, I'll just keep going with the "no comment," private family matter, 'cause it's working like a charm.
Hey, sis.
You're probably wondering what I think of D.
B.
As we all know, I'm a notoriously tough audience, but I love him.
That's nice, Skip.
And it's not just because of his daring good looks Although his eyes match the waters of the mediterranean It's because we really connected.
Well, that's more than I can say.
Becca, you are on page one of a fairy tale romance with this guy.
It's a classic boy-meets-and-immediately- impregnates-girl story.
Skip, you know there's no relationship between me and D.
B.
, right? He's basically a stranger to me.
We had one stupid night.
I mean, we've never even been on a real date.
Haven't you? Emily, you have made us feel so welcome.
Like old friends.
Well, good.
Sometimes we have to remind ourselves this is not just the White House, it is also our home.
Then how come she doesn't let me watch football in my underpants? My.
Are we not to dine on the Hapsburg China? Come again? I wrote the White House months ago, requesting to dine on the Hapsburg China.
It's special China? Planning a romantic date for two using this stuff I find because I'm smart This painting is bolted to the wall and now I'm looking for something to tie all these pieces together and look, a China cart The China was a gift from the royal House of Hapsburg.
The artisans who made it perished in a workshop fire.
All was lost but the China inside the kiln.
Well, those artisans did not die in vain.
Nor did the mountaineers who froze to death transporting it over the alps.
Or the sailors, who safely shipped it all the way across the Atlantic.
Well, they made it.
To shore, where they were set upon by wolves.
Sounds like bad-luck China.
Klaus, you're being a pill.
Our hosts are well aware that the Hapsburg China is a priceless symbol of our nations' mutual affection.
Well put.
That is why I'm going to feature it at dinner this evening.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go check on that now.
Come on.
It was right here.
Becca, remember how you said that you were sad that you never got to go on a real date with D.
B.
? No, Skip, I did not say that.
I practically said the opposite of that.
Well, ta-da! - Hey.
- Hey I'm gonna figure out what's happening.
Stay right there.
Skip, why?! Becca, you owe it to the American people to give this thing a shot.
No, I don't.
- Then you owe it to D.
B.
- Also not true.
- You owe it to master chief.
- Who's master chief? The name of the baby.
Look, D.
B.
is the father of your child.
Why not give him a chance? What's the harm in having one amazingly romantic interlude curated by a master in the art of datecraft? Fine.
And we're back.
I don't really know what to say.
Well, that makes two of us.
Whoop.
Sorry.
Got it.
Just listen to your body.
Kind of hard with you breathing on my hair.
Here's a conversation starter: D.
B.
, you put a baby inside of Becca.
Becca, you have D.
B.
's baby - inside of you.
- Yeah.
- Springboard.
- Gone? What do you mean, gone? It was checked out to the residence dining room.
Yes, but it's not in the residence dining room.
I know.
It's gone.
So, I've decided not to find out whether it's a boy or a girl.
Ever? - No, I mean - That was a joke.
Watch out, Jay Leno! For what it's worth, I kind of hope it's a girl.
- You do? Why? - Well, 'cause if she's as smart and pretty and intimidating as you, she'll just kind of crush it in life.
I knew I wanted to make magic.
I just never knew what kind.
Shall I dazzle you with sleight of hand? I can top that.
Now in order for this to work, I need you both to radiate positive energy toward the table, okay? And then I'm gonna pull this tablecloth really fast in, like, one motion, okay? One, two No, Skip, no! Cool.
It worked.
Do you have any idea how important this China is? No, but it is absolutely stunning.
And a lot of Austrians died in some very specific ways for it.
It doesn't matter.
It's all safe now.
You're D.
B.
Hi, I'm Emily Gilchrest! Yeah.
Where do I know you from? It's so nice to meet you.
I hope everyone's treating you well.
Yeah.
So sweet.
Okay.
Becca! No! Momily, it's not your fault.
Well What we're gonna do? This is a disaster! No, no, don't worry.
We can glue the pieces back together again, and no one will know the difference.
See? Skip, how did you? Yeah, we can use this one unbroken plate as our model.
Well, that's gonna make it much harder.
Your stepmom is beautiful.
I see where you get it.
Is that a joke? Yeah.
Look, it was really nice of Skip to try and get us together but Now, who are we kidding? What do you mean? W-well, we are very different people, D.
B.
You're a really sweet guy, and you have a Actually, we didn't decide.
Is that a Lacrosse physique? Anyway, we will figure this out.
I just don't think that this is part of the plan.
Yeah.
Okay.
For what it's worth, I went back to that bar every Friday night to see if you'd be there.
- But you know what? - I wasn't there? How do you know? Were you there? Yeah, this isn't gonna work.
20% off friends and family.
I figure we're at least one of those.
Can I get a ride back to the mall? Not the Lincoln memorial-y one.
The-the real one? - Come on, man.
- Thanks.
Did something happen? He looked upset.
I turned down his marriage proposal and called him stupid.
Yikes.
Don't you want to call someone - to help you with this? - No, I'm still enjoying the maybe-this-didn't- happen phase.
I remember that phase.
It's a good phase.
Look, I know this wasn't exactly what you planned.
But sometimes things don't go the way you expect.
Things break.
You just got to pick up the pieces.
And if necessary, tell some Austrians that you've spit on your shared cultural history.
I broke the China.
I know.
That's why I said.
I'm sorry, Winslow.
This is not your fault.
That's a very generous read on the situation, ma'am.
However, I shall take the blame and resign in disgrace.
It's the only way to protect the president from a diplomatic incident.
I'll have to move in with my sister.
It's not ideal.
She owns a ferret.
Winslow, you stuffy bastard.
I can't let you take the fall for this.
I should have listened to you.
I will tell them what happened, and I will suffer the consequences.
As you wish, Ms.
Gilchrest.
Allow me to help you clean up.
Guys! This house is full of antiques! You've really got to be more careful, okay? I can't emphasize that enough! Dad? I think we need to go to the mall.
The Lincoln memorial-y one or the real one? I'm so nervous for you, momily.
How will they react? We don't know.
Bianca! Good evening, Klaus.
Guten abend, fraulein Von Konig! Good evening to you as well, Skip.
- Is that all the German you know? - Yes.
The president and his daughter will be joining you shortly.
Allow me to show you to your seats.
I have a confession to make.
It's not easy to say, and I'm sure it won't be easy to hear, but How many fingers am I holding up?! What day is it?! Why is Arnold Schwarzenegger's accent different than every other Austrian? I'm fine.
I'm fine.
What is it? What's wrong? It is no more.
It? The Washington Windsor chair.
The first lady knows its history better than I.
Yes George Washington died sitting in that chair.
Musing it was his musing chair.
I took you for granted, and now you're gone.
I am so sorry.
We feel terrible.
These things happen To good, well-meaning people, I might add.
For instance, earlier today, I completely shattered the Hapsburg China.
What? Moving on.
Let me ask you this.
Do you like barbecue? Dude, come with me to split a cinnabon.
I don't want a whole one.
Not hungry, mahmood.
Son? Not again.
Mahmood, if I don't come back, tell them my story, okay? Tell them I loved to laugh.
I owe you an apology, son.
I have the emotions of a father and the power of a president.
It's a dangerous combination, sometimes.
I'm sorry, too.
I don't know whether or not we're different, because the truth is, I don't know you.
And you don't know me, so let's fix that.
Will you come back for dinner at the White House? Sure.
I don't believe in handshakes.
Skip taught me that.
Very fortunate that that storied chair collapsed at just the right moment.
Yes.
We caught a break there.
D-balls, you're back! Cool hat, man.
Okay, let's do this.
Photo op of me and D.
B.
and the family on the White House lawn.
You sure? I'm not sure about anything, but that's okay.
All right then.
Why don't you all just scoot in? Becca! Becca, can we get a photo?! Becca, guy with the face! Photo, photo, photo op, Bec! Thrill.
Awesome.
Now what hashtag should I use? 'Cause this is kind of a delicate situation.
Is "baby daddy" one word or two words?