2 Dope Queens (2018) s01e02 Episode Script
Hair
1 Announcer: Here, live at Kings Theatre in beautiful Brooklyn, New York, it's Phoebe Robinson and Jessica Williams, your 2 Dope Queens! Hi, hi, howdy, howdy, hi, hi! While everyone is minus, you could call me multiply Just so you know, yes, yes, I'm that guy You could get five fingers and I'm not waving "hi" Guess I'm never-ending, you could call me pi But really, how long till the world realize? Yes, yes I'm the best, fuck what you heard Anything less is obviously absurd Haters get the bird, more like an eagle This is my movie, stay tuned for the sequel Seems so wrong, seems so illegal Fellas in the back like a foul-ball free-throw Yep, yep, you know that I go This is me on the regular, so you know This is me on the regular, so you know - Hello! - Yas! This is me on the regular, so you know Yas! This is me on the regular, so you know - Oh, my.
- Wow.
You guys.
You guys.
Was that your dinkley That's my dick.
What's up? Welcome to 2 Dope Queens! Damn! Hit it, hit it, boom, bam, pow, wow, zow, bow, dow, wow, bow, smow.
Mm, bah! Bow, dow.
It was a hero's journey.
It was actually a real hero's journey there.
Your turn.
Let's do it.
Great, I'm ready.
Tell me when.
Okay.
Fashion, fashion, work, work, twerk, Yas, shoulders, yas, hips, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Leaving the-- leaving the set, yes! I love it.
Hello, everybody.
Is this a pose that people do ever? Maybe.
I don't know if people are showing their size nines to everybody.
This is like week one, like, "America's Next Top Model" posing.
Like, everything you're doing is wrong.
You're like-- They're like, "Let me see.
Uh, there's no smizing.
" Ugh, I miss wanting to watch that show.
It's so good.
It's still good.
But this is a special episode, because this is our hair episode.
How many-- I'm just curious-- how many black ladies in the house tonight? Hey, cocoa khaleesis.
I'm very excited tonight.
I have white girl bangs.
- I've never had that before.
- They're cute! They're cute, and then the story in the back, wham, bam, pow.
I love that.
This feels very much like I'm about to perform at the Grammys, - like do a duet.
- Absolutely.
Who would you be doing your duet with? - Alicia Keys.
- Yeah, that's fine.
And what part would you do? I would do-- We would do "Empire State of Mind," - Great.
- and I would come in at the-- and I'd be like, New York But I would be quiet because I'm not a good singer.
- Well, I-- and then - New York And then I would, like, Lil Mama you and then just, like, come on at the end and shove myself in like I was a part of it.
So that was a good one.
Yeah, but this is a great episode.
We got iconic characters.
I do wanna say something really quick before we came-- I think this is a very important moment in history-- in herstory-- so, I-- My boyfriend is #BritishBakeoff, white guy, and, um and we were getting ready-- I was getting ready backstage and I had to come out, and I was like, "Babe, are my feet ashy?" And he looked down and he was like, "Yeah, a little bit.
" And he was like, "Do you want me to lotion them for you?" - That is really, really so hot.
- That is insane.
- And then he got on his knees and he lotioned my feet.
That is so hot.
I was like, this is literally - Martin Luther King Jr.
's dream.
- That's it.
That's what he was talking about.
No, I totally had that, too.
I also have a white bae, and I love when he greases my hair, because it does feel a little bit like "Ghost," when, like, Swayze comes back, and it's like, "Ooh, not too tight, not too hard.
" But it's just nice, especially when my hair is braided and, like, each finger he's dipping in the grease and then just going to the back.
It does feel a little bit like reparations.
Yeah.
And there's something about, like, the thickness of my hair, and if it's really thick, how each time his finger goes back it's like, "Ooh, are you picking the cotton now, or me?" This a reparation.
This a reparation.
Yeah, I mean, what is, like-- speaking of hair, what is the worst hairstyle you've ever gotten? Oh, gosh.
The worst? I feel-- I change my hair a lot.
I think it was when I started doing-- I had dreadlocks in college, it started my freshman year.
And this was, like, the internet was around.
I don't wanna be like, "And it was so long ago.
" But it truly was, like, AskJeeves is where you went.
Yeah.
It was like It was like eBaum's World- time and stuff.
Yes, and it was before the whole natural hair movement where there's, like, all these black girl blogs and stuff, and there was, like, credible resources.
So I just Googled, "How to start dreadlocks.
" And there was, like, this crunchy-looking white chick with dreads.
No! Yeah.
My "Butterfly Effect" movie would be me going back to stop you from doing this.
Like I'm Ashton Kutcher.
Yeah, and so she, like, suggested this wax to get, and I read all the reviews, and it was from people like "Tyler" and "Rebecca," they, like, really like this wax.
So I was like, "All right, I'm gonna save up my money from working on campus.
I'm gonna order this wax.
" And it was, like, this very white wax on my black hair, so my dreads just all looked ashy.
And no one said anything to me.
And then I went home for Christmas, and my dad was like, "Your dreadlocks are supposed to be white.
" When your dad is dragging your looks, that's, like, beyon-- This is, like, the man with a fanny pack.
I know my dad was that.
It's like, if he's dragging me, I'm like, "Oh shit, this is dark.
" Yeah, so then he was like, "You need to get wax that matches your hair color.
" And I was like, "What?!" That blew my mind.
I thought this was the only wax available, because "Tyler" was like, "It was great.
" I will say, one of the coolest ones that I do get sort of nostalgic about is my mom used to do French braids down to beads, - Oh, that's-- yes.
- which was really cute.
But she would put aluminum foil on the ends.
And so whenever I'd go play and do a whole day of school, I would come back home, she's like, "You missin' a strand of beads!" And I'd be like, "Well, we were practicing tumbles.
" Like, that's insane.
How is that my responsibility? I'm six.
You practiced tumbles? You didn't tumble none? I wanted to be Dominique Dawes.
That's grea-- I recognize what she did, and I appreciated it, but I just, like, didn't do that.
I just, like, watched "Oprah" and "Living Single," and just-- that was what I did.
I love that baby you was watching "Living Single.
" - Yeah.
- That's so funny.
It explains a lot, actually.
I was just like, "I identify with these 40-plus women.
" - Like, I really was just like-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah I will say, maybe that's why we get along, because the woman that I identified with as a kid was my grandmother, and she was this very large, overweight woman who sat around the house naked, and we watched, like, "Hercule Poirot" and "Murder, She Wrote.
" And that shit was poppin'.
She let me eat whatever I wanted.
She would, like, be naked sitting on a couch like this.
It was just the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen.
So I remind you of a - No! I was saying-- No, I never even said that.
This is intense.
I literally never said that.
We can play it back in post, but I did not say that.
But I was saying that I identified with that when I was young, and that was, like, the only person that I wanted to hang out with when I was little.
- Got it.
Great.
So I, you know, was hanging out with older people.
Right.
And so I am your older-- You're my-- Do you want me to say you're my grandma that's sitting naked with her titties out? No, I don't want you to say that.
I feel like you just said that on our HBO special.
I didn't, I didn't.
I didn't say that on the spesh.
I have to stay forever young for the industry, okay? Don't hit all of our cameras that we're sharing together.
How dare you? I got this back camera, and I got this camera back here, so - Whoo.
- It was okay.
It wasn't that impressive.
It was fine.
What if that's how I had sex with my boyfriend? He was like, "Get on top, and I was like, "Okay, one second.
" Even that-- Even that is too strenuous.
Even that is too strenuous, but I feel like I would do it, like, I would be like, "All right, andwe're in.
We're in, I'm in.
I'm lowering.
I'm lowering.
I'm lowering.
- I mean-- I do find, actually, that that is actually what it looks like.
There's like a run-and-jump-on, like I'm threading a needle.
You have to-- you're leaping onto dicks? It just seems fun.
When you see it there, when you see it there, and that's what you've been, like, a monster about for the last six minutes, you just wanna run and-- Dominique Dawes-- and just jump right on it.
- No.
No.
I wanna lie d-- I'm 33, I wanna lie down, I wanna lie down.
I'm 28, and I still have all of my years ahead of me.
I am the Rosa Parks of this bedroom, I'm not getting up for any white man.
Do not bring her into this.
I'm not getting up for any white man.
- I'm lying down.
- Do not bring her into this.
Do not bring her into this.
Sorry, Rosa.
Disrespectful.
Should we get this show started? Let's do it! Whoo! We have an amazing show for you guys tonight.
We have some surprises, we have amazing standups, and we're gonna be out here being silly-A-F.
You're gonna love it.
Our next act that we're gonna bring out, she is blowing up in the game.
She's been doing late-night standup all over the place.
She was on "Crashing," she's touring the country.
She's hysterical.
She's also a fan favorite of our podcast.
Please give it up for-- Both: Aparna Nancherla! Have fun.
I missed you! Hello, hello! Keep it going for Phoebe and Jessica! So crazy.
Oh man, hi guys.
How are you, good? Yeah, you seem great.
No, it's good to be here.
This theater is beautiful.
You guys feeling it? - Great.
What a treat.
It's always nice just to be inside in New York, you know? Like, I was outside earlier.
Anyone else? Kinda whether you want to or not, everyone in New York you sort of involuntarily become a wine connoisseur, but for trash smells? When you're walking around, you're just like, "Oh, what is that? It's like um, you know, it's like a tuna base with a is that notes of a Ooh, diaper! It surprises you at the end.
Wow.
Is that a urine finish?" It's a trick, it's always a urine finish.
It's the city's signature scent.
I walk a lot here, like most people, and sometimes I'll go into random businesses just to give myself a little break, keep hope alive, and Sometimes I won't even check what the business is, you know? I'll just walk in, try to clock it very quickly, be like, "Okay, all right.
I guess I'm a cigar aficionado now.
" You know, it's like ask a question, make it seem like you fit in.
"Uh, sir? Is it just the brown sticks? Okay.
" Seems like a reasonable question.
It's an intimidating city to walk around, you know, fashion game, very strong.
I'm always relieved when competitive romper season is over.
Yeah.
Because, you know, now it's not even limited by gender.
It's terrifying.
It's really anyone's game.
The stakes have never been higher.
Like, I generally prefer weather where you can wear enough layers that people are like, "Well, you know, does she have a physical form at all? Maybe she's more of a concept.
" Like, if I ever get to go on the red carpet, I want reporters to be like, "Who aren't you wearing? So many gowns! Which part is supposed to be the head," you know? Like, I love a good baggy sweater.
I feel like baggy sweaters were the original emotional support dog for women.
Like, you wear one and people finally stop asking if you're okay, you know? They're like, "She's healing now, it's official.
" You're just, like, effortlessly transform into a human mug of tea.
I was like, I wonder if there's a point where as a woman you just get more comfortable with all this? And I was like, no, you know what? I bet even female ghosts will, like, see a sheet flapping in the wind and they'll just be like, "Ugh.
Body goals.
" You know? Like, I bet I bet it never ends for us.
I bet even in the afterlife it'll be like, "Ooh, ten ways to make your bones shine!" You know? "Got to keep it tight.
" It's a weird time to be a woman and to have a body, you know? It's not the best.
It's not the best, historically speaking.
Like, I've been reading the news.
My main problem with the news is, like, "Every day? Do we really need it every day?" Like, now when I read the news I'm just like, "Okay, time for my daily screams," you know? Like, my vocal range has really improved.
But I try to-- Anything positive, you know, that I can draw out of it, I try to round up.
Like, the day of the eclipse when Trump looked at the sun I was like, "That was an okay day," you know? I think I-- I think I sorta smiled that day.
Yeah.
And, you know, it doesn't feel like it was his first time, you know? I wouldn't be surprised if there's many a morning when an aide is just like, "He's out there again! Who left the gate open," you know? "Someone go get him.
" I've been trying to hold onto the Russia stuff really tight.
I have been sort of daydreaming, like, "Oh, you know, what would I wear to a spring impeachment?" Yeah.
- Um You know, it's like something with full transparency would be good.
It's also-- I've noticed-- It's like why are the worst people with terrible ideas, they always have so much confidence and conviction? And that's how they gain followers and power.
Like, I could never imagine anyone in the current administration just sitting up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat just like-- "Maybe I should rethink everything I do and say.
" You know? Whereas I feel like a lot of the rest of us, with good intentions but very little power, are constantly walking around just being like, "Did I smile at that barista wrong Like, it doesn't feel like a fair distribution from the universe.
And you're like, "What is the wrong way to smile?" This There is a wrong way.
I do hope this whole period, like, I hope history captures it as it happened, you know, and not like some skewed version, like the right way, not the alt-right way.
Thank you for making any noise at all.
Because I was thinking about Columbus, like, Christopher Columbus, I was like, he had a great PR campaign, you know? People really cleaned things up for him.
At the end of it, he got a whole Monday.
I was like, yeah, you don't get a Monday for Arbor Day.
And I feel like trees have been pretty cool across the board.
But, you know, it's like Columbus, we know he was monster, we know he did some heinous things.
What are we still celebrating? I guess you could argue maybe he originated the concept of, like, "I'm not here to make friends.
I'm here to win.
" That's kind of his legacy, you know? Like, I could just imagine him doing a confessional where he's just like, "I don't like any of them, you know? They don't look like me.
They don't have spices, and you know, frankly, I make them sick.
" Uh Yep.
Yeah, that's a history joke and a wordplay joke.
It's, you know, something for no one, so it's kind of where I operate.
But I have become very overdramatic since the election.
That is on me.
Like, you know, everything is now loaded with symbolism.
Like, whenever it rains now I'm just like, "Metaphor," you know? I'm like a teen poet in bloom.
Like, I remember on the inauguration I ordered a sandwich and it was supposed to come on wheat bread but it came on white bread.
And I was like, "Hello, it's already happening.
" You guys have been so nice.
Thank you so much.
Enjoy the rest of the show.
Keep it going for Aparna Nancherla! - Oh, my God.
- I love her.
She's such a cute little nugget.
Just a damn delight of little nuggetness.
I know.
How are you guys doing, good? - So I was gonna ask you, what hairstyles do you like on dudes? - Ooh, that's a good one.
- Mm-hmm.
I always, I mean, like, you just up, but like barely any hair kinda there.
- That works.
That works.
- It's hot.
I'm also kind of into the, like, barista male bun thing that happens.
- It can work.
It can work.
- Yeah, okay, you're only booing because it's cool to boo.
You shut your mouth.
Everybody has their own journey.
Yes! It's like everybody hating Guy Fieri, and he donates a lot to charity.
Right.
And I'm not saying I, like, want to marry a guy with a man bun, but I'm like, do I wanna have a weekend fling on his mattress? Sure, 'cause he has no headboard, - there's no headboard.
- That fling is so intense.
Is the mattress on the floor? It's on the floor, there's no headboard.
He's gotta be working that schlong to get that for that.
'Cause that means you're going home Friday and then you're gonna stay Saturday and Sunday? - He's giving you some good D.
- No, okay, I go on Friday, stay Saturday, I leave mid-afternoon on Sunday, and then I catch up on Oprah "SuperSoul Sunday" at night.
So you have time to do the rest of your day.
Yes, right.
I think there should be more, like, as far as men's hair, like, bald man awareness.
Like, it's good, it works-- if they can pull it off.
That is a shitty slogan.
Bald man awareness.
If you're hot, go for it.
If you're not, fucking dig your head in the dirt.
"Bald man awareness-- if you can do it, do it a bunch!" Okay, that-- that literally was terrible.
I probably have another one.
Let me see if I have another one.
Yeah.
Take two.
Take two.
"Bald man awareness-- Mr.
Clean's kinda hot when you really think about it!" That's great.
That is great.
- Thank you.
All right, we should keep it going with the show.
- I think that's good.
- Let's do it, I'm in.
Yeah, clap, clap, clap.
My bangle fell off.
I'm gonna be like on "Game of Thrones.
" "My name is Brienne of Tarth, my lady.
" Did my mother send you? Yeah! Spoilers, okay.
But also, if you haven't seen it, you know, what the fuck? I do want us to move on, but when I was reaching down I kind of, like, hurt my heel a little bit.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I see that.
- And so I'm worried about being wobbly, so can we get a stagehand to come out super-quick to, like, help with my shoe situation? - Somebody who can fix-- Jessica: Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Oh - my gosh! Oh, my gosh.
Phoebe: Keep it going for SarahJessicaParker! - Ooh! This is insane.
- This is Okay, first of all, I wanna say, when you hugged me, did you smell anything familiar? - You smell lovely.
- Jessica: Aw No, I'm wearing your fragrance Lovely-- I am! I want to be your friend that bad, I'm like, let me just spray this on.
That is a little thirsty, but I congratulate you on the win.
Friends support friends, even when they're thirst traps.
I will say-- Oh, it's working! So, there you go.
It looked strong.
That was so iconic, you coming out and helping.
And then your shoes and your out-- I just can't-- This is amazing.
Oh, my God.
Well, we're both huge fans of "Sex and the City," and-- - Obviously.
So obvi, we needed to have some brunch with you.
Oh, of course, of course.
It's been a while.
Phoebe: Let's have a little girl talk.
Look at this.
- Parker: Oh, my gosh.
- Jessica: Guardian angel.
- Phoebe: Thank you so much.
- This is a feast, thank you.
- I feel like he pushed it a little more.
- Well, this is a real-- - It's a light brunch.
- This is fine.
- We got granola, you know? - For those who pay attention.
- You got your pastries, and we're doing carbs, - if we're gonna be bad today.
- Yeah.
Yes.
And here we got-- - Oh! - Whoa! Damn! - Whoa! - Wow, that's a-- - Like, chocolate, with a little ganache on it for the "Top Chef" kids.
Yes, with a candied pecan and some gently carved-- I love that.
I'm gonna do this.
- This is gonna be my zone.
- And just the biggest bowl of grapes I've ever seen in my fucking life.
That's like some "Games of Thrones" nonsense.
Plenty to share with the audience.
And then this little-- I'm gonna go for the sugar.
- It's cute.
- Oh, my God, I know what those are! What are they? That's Upper Crust Bakery, available at Costo.
I just-- - No! No, here! You go to Costco?! Which Costco are we going to? I go to every grocery store you all go to.
I'm going with you to Costco.
If we were good and kind we'd pass them out.
We will, we totally will.
Wait, I'm gonna throw one.
No! Why not? It's my special, why not? They're all human beings.
This isn't the fucki'' "Hunger Games.
" That was insane.
- It's called making-- I was making food fun.
- Everyone enjoyed it.
- That's not it.
This isn't your second grade class and your teacher's teaching you about bacon.
It was an adrenaline rush, I feel like, for everyone.
It was like the movie "Speed.
" It's not even gonna get very far.
I'm so sorry.
It was the movie "Speed" basically.
You look absolutely heartbroken.
There's plenty of other things.
Likely not as good, not as good.
Phoebe: Does anybody just want a bowl of loose granola? Oh, I could fling it like a Frisbee.
Do you guys wanna-- Do you want to pass that to your friends behind you? And we do have plenty of grapes.
Grapes are always a big hit.
Wait, guys, can you just pass it that way? - No, let's keep this here.
Oh, thank you so much.
Sorry, thank you.
And I guess just a check.
- And, um - Um And now we're left with strawberries, which is like a Hollywood brunch.
- That's all we're eating.
- This is what we need.
This is what we needed.
- Ooh.
That's lovely.
- That's what we needed.
Phoebe: So, you're a hair icon.
You are-- - Girl, you are.
- You really are.
Some people look really perplexed by that.
- No, they love you.
- No! If they are, like, whatevs, we'll talk about it afterwards.
But Google it.
Maybe more so that maybe I was on the receiving end of some really talented hair stylists.
I think that's a more accurate characterization.
- No.
- No.
Because it's-- - We need you to take this compliment.
- All right.
- Oprah always says you have to accept the good.
- Okay.
- Yeah, let us give it to you.
- Okay, that's very nice of you.
- But no, you were, and there was something so refreshing about seeing your hair the way it was in a lot of the roles that you played.
- Well, thank you.
- Yeah, it was like curly and big, and just like-- - It was curly yesterday.
I didn't-- I really didn't know that this was the hair show.
In all sincerity, now I'm just gonna confess totally that I actually did my own makeup today also, - Yas! - because I didn't really understand the magnitude of the situation.
And I really should have done and could have done better.
- Had I involved-- - You look great.
If I had involved professionals, like, real professionals-- - No.
No, stop it.
No.
- Stop it right here.
We're gonna stop you.
SJP, a team helped me-- But I don't even have, like, a thing in, - like, an extra piece or anything.
- No, this is iconic.
- I'll stand behind you - Yeah, give her some of yours.
Well, actually, is that how it works? Phoebe, it's not reading well.
I will say it's not reading well.
Well, maybe I need to stand behind you.
Maybe some of my, like, light Winehouse-inspired work.
Is that working? - No.
- Not reading well.
- I can't tell.
The real you is all that's needed.
Sarah, I just wanna say a team put this together.
When I showed up today, I was wearing period-stained underwear.
- It was a hot mess.
That's my point.
A professional came in, and it's like Dorothy in Oz.
This system of shining you up, of making you presentable, that's really what a p-- it's really unbelievable, right? - Yeah, none of this is real.
- Yeah.
No, no, it's all real.
Because you can't-- - Oh, my God, she touched my face.
- you can't make up that.
- Can I get-- - Oh, my God.
- It was just the softest-- - It was so tender.
It's like-- - I didn't even have a manicure! - Phoebe: Vera Wang lotion.
You're a real person, Sarah.
You are, yeah.
Sare-Sare, you're real.
Let's talk about something else.
What do you guys want to talk about? We could teach you about black hair, if you're interested.
- Oh, yes.
Yeah, what do you know? How can we walk you into this? What don't I know? Let me think about that.
Let's focus more on what don't I know.
Well, I don't know how, um how it stay--how you can have really incredible - Everyone shut your mouth! - This is a safe space! - Shut your mouth! - This is a safe space.
- She's our friend! - This is a safe space! You know that I'm about to ask the very thing that you don't know either.
- Right! Drag them! - Oh yes! Drag them, Sarah! Drag their bodies.
To hell! Drag it to hell.
All of their bodies.
- When you're on the 1 train - Both: Yes.
or the L, or the B or the F or the D, and you see an unbelievably complex - hairstyle - Both: Yes.
how do you keep it nice for so long? - How does it-- That's a great question.
I think that was a black woman cackling from knowing the answer.
Disregard.
"Sarah Jessica Parker don't know what?!" That's what that was, which is insane.
- We all learn to walk.
- No, because, I mean, you can be careful, you can be still in bed, but it would require-- Have you ever seen how the geisha have to sleep in Japan? No, but I did see "Memoirs of a Geisha.
" You know, there's, like, literally-- - She's like, "White people, you know, right?" - You have to, uh Allies - We're all in this together.
White people? - This is brutal.
- No.
You're killing it.
- This is where she's gonna need white people to step up.
But do you know what I mean? Because sometimes it's also not just a flat, complicated-- sometimes there's like all these amazing pieces that come out, and there's colors, and it's-- You mean from our people? Black people, right.
And it's amixed media.
Let's call it a mixed media.
- Yes! - An installation! This sounds like a New York Times art critic review.
And I love it.
Like, Solange is listening to this, she's like, "It is like that.
We are art.
" - It is mixed media.
- This is, like, iconic.
So how do you keep it nice for a while? Because it's a huge amount of work, and-- - Right, okay.
- Okay, so for this look, as soon as the show is over, ow, the bangs gone.
- Clip in, clip in, and-- - Oh.
Yes, this is a sew-in weave, and then it's just curled in the back.
So, I'll probably keep the weave in for maybe-- four to five weeks, I always change it out.
Sometimes I wear my hair out, which is an Afro, so I let it breathe, because I am not my hair.
- Right, right.
You mean, like, you can't breathe for your hair? Right, so my scalp needs to breathe.
And then I take it out, wash it, have just, like, a really nice, judgmental black lady wash my hair, and then - That is the worst! - That is the worst.
- Yeah.
The amount of, like-- 'Cause I think we both grew up in the suburbs, pretty awkward, both do comedy, and so hair hasn't traditionally been the priority.
But as soon as a black hairstylist looks at my hair-- and my hair is called, like, "comb breaker," AKA, like, 4c hair.
And, um.
.
- No, but I know comb breaker.
- Yeah, yeah.
So anyway, it's just, like, a black woman just being like, "Mm, mm, mm.
Shame.
Shame.
" And they're always like, "How long you leave this in?" They can smell how long you left it in.
You know it was nine weeks and it was too long.
- Don't ask me how long I left it in.
- Don't ask, Miss Toya, don't ask.
Mm, mm, mm.
But then with braids, you just braid it how you want, then you just kinda like flip it-- But when there is so much dimension, and it's so pretty and shiny, and each-- each curl, each section, is-- it needs attendance.
- Well, it's a little different if you're a person of color.
So we can pull off going without washing our hair for longer periods of time than white people.
- White.
White.
- White people.
I remember when I was in school, like, Johnny would go without washing his hair for two days, and the whole damn class would know.
So-- Johnny was white-- but I am somebody who always wears braids, normally, and I let my braids just go.
I like for them to look really natural.
If I were a woman who waxed regularly on time, I would get my braids done every three-and-a-half weeks.
But again: comedians.
We don't play like that.
- No, not a priority.
- Not a priority.
Right, right.
Other than that, I came out of my mom with this hair.
- No, of course it is.
- Just full head of hair like this.
It was plumped already, like all of it.
I just came out.
But this was incredible.
Thank you so much for doing our show.
Thank you for having me.
I'm so honored.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
- Of course, our pleasure.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Give it up for Sarah Jessica Parker, everybody! - Phoebe: That was cool.
That's one of my favorite tiny white ladies.
You know what? When she was starting to figure out black hair, I wanted to be like, "You is kind, you are smart.
" I just wanted to encourage her.
- I'm like, "You are getting it.
" - Yes.
- "You are getting it!" - Yes.
Give it up one more time for SJP, everybody.
- That was truly amazing.
- Should we keep it moving right along? - Definitely.
Our next act, she's also from Ohio.
What She has an amazing show out called "Take My Wife.
" She's also been on Conan.
She's traveling all over the country.
Please give it up for Both: Rhea Butcher! - Have fun - Hi! Oh, my God, you guys, this is such a great show, yeah? Absolutely.
I have to ask you all a question first.
Did anybody take a rideshare here? Did you take Lyft? Too many of you are lying.
I like taking Lyfts.
Gets you around, it's cheap, but also, I like taking Lyfts because I am a talker.
It's a conversation that you get to tip at the end.
It's perfect.
I can rate it.
I have a five-star rating on Lyft.
I'm good at it! I get in a car, I like to chat it up.
I have a full friendship in a Lyft ride sometimes-- beginning, middle, and end.
I'll get out of that car just like, "Janelle, that daughter of yours is gonna be president one day.
Thank you for the ride.
" "Chad, I would wish you good luck on that CPA test tomorrow, but you don't need it, buddy!" Five stars.
I just love chit-chattin' with people.
I'm an only child, I grew up with my grandparents, like talking about Perry Mason and Columbo.
That's what I like to talk about.
Get into a Lyft, and I am also a front seat sitter.
Uh-oh! Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Yes.
I have to sit in the front.
But this is New York City and they're like, "Absolutely not.
" I live in Los Angeles and they're like, "Sure, sure, sure.
" I think also talking in a Lyft, for me, it's a bit of a safety issue, you know? Because if you look like a genderless guitar tech for the Lumineers you get into a silent Lyft.
No, no, no.
I got into a Lyft the other day, it was a newer car, so I got into the car, I sat in the front--of course-- and I noticed that it had manual transmission, so I was like, "Ooh, conversation starter.
" Driver got in and I said, "Oh, I notice you drive stick.
That's very cool.
I drive stick.
Not that many people drive stick these days.
" And he was like, " Yeah, and not that many women know how to drive stick either.
" Have you ever been complimented and insulted at exactly the same time? Every woman, person of color, LGBTQ person, or combination of any, is like, "Yes, every day.
It's the whole thing.
" But I wanted to tell you guys my absolute favorite Lyft ride of recent days.
I called a Lyft, got into it with some vegan ice cream that I had ordered for my wife-- two things that might be illegal in two years, let's find out.
Which one will be first? That's the real question.
Sat down in the front next to the driver, and he turned to me and said, "Hello, sir.
How's your evening going?" Now, I have been sir-ed my entire life.
It's happened to me since I was a little kid, all the time.
And I used to, for a long time, say to a human being's face when they called me "sir," I would just say right to their human face, "I'm a woman"-- just real loud.
Sometimes I would just enter rooms like that, "I'm a woman!" Just "Happy Bat Mitzvah.
" And usually that person would just start apologizing to me.
I'd say, "I'm a woman!" And they'd say, "Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! It's just your haircut, and your clothing, and the way you carry yourself, and your voice.
" Then I would say, "Shh! Shh! Shh.
You had me at 'I'm sorry.
'" But these days, you know, my gender identity is evolving.
I'm thinking of mysel-- I'm everything that I've always been and everything that I always will be.
I kind of think of people as rings on a tree, you know? We're just experiences, and we're always changing and always figuring ourselves out.
And the thing is, he was just trying to get an answer right to a question that was never correct to begin with, you see? Because the whole thing is made up.
Just made up! Completely made up.
You know when people are like, "You know that word Haagen-Dazs that's not a real word?" I'm like, "Oh really? Like all the other words that are 100% real that have existed for all of time?" Plus, we only have two options.
There's only two boxes.
Only two boxes.
Only two boxes.
There's only two boxes! And the thing is, some people are like, "Hey, you put me in this box, and actually I'm this box.
" And some people are like, "I'm kinda both boxes.
" And some people are like, "This box, maybe this box.
" Some people are running around the boxes.
Some people are picking up the boxes.
Some people are taping them shut for later, you know? There's a lot of people on the planet.
And so for whatever reason, in this particular Lyft ride I felt kinda safe.
And so I was just like, "You know what? I'm gonna let this ride.
Let's see what happens.
" And I said, "My night's pretty good, sir.
How's yours?" And he was like, "Well, sir, it's goin' pretty great.
" And I was like, "Holy shit-- he thinks I'm a dude!" Can we pull over? Can I apply for a job real quick? Yeah.
And we were driving for a while, and he said to me, he turned to me and said, "Sir, can I ask you a question?" And I was like, "Absolutely.
" He was like, "Do you like jazz, sir?" And I was like, "You know what? I do.
I keep my car radio locked to the jazz station.
It keeps my blood pressure down.
It keeps me a lot less "road rage-y" these days.
" Plus I didn't really listen to that much jazz, so it's all new to me! Yeah.
And he was like, "That's wonderful, sir.
Can I ask you another question?" I was like, "Shoot.
" And he said, "Do you like Frank Sinatra, sir?" And I said, "Frank Sinatra? Do I like Frank Sinatra? It's Frank Sinatra.
Of course I like Frank Sinatra.
" And he said to me, "Sir, you are a great man.
" And I said, "Hell, yeah, I am.
" And that, my friends, is a much better version of "La La Land" than you will ever see.
Thanks so much.
I've been Rhea Butcher.
Phoebe: Rhea Butcher! You guys ready for our next comic? Our next comic is very funny.
A writer for "Fresh Off the Boat," and he have a comedy special out.
Please give it up for Both: Sheng Wang! - Thank you.
- Hello, thank you so much.
- Thanks, Sheng, have fun.
- Thank you Oh, thank you.
Kill it, kill it, man.
Thank you, thank you.
Hi, guys.
Ooh, I'm sorry.
I'm a little stressed out.
I found out I got too many ripe avocados.
They just creep up on you.
We love 'em, they're great.
They're so expensive, so I buy a bundle so I can save a little bit.
But you can't eat 'em for like six to eight days.
I didn't put it on the calendar.
I forgot I bought avocados.
You find one ripe avocado, that's a moment of joy.
You find a bag of five that's a crisis.
But it's different now.
I can't go out and have dinner tonight.
I gotta stay home and handle my business.
I got 24 hours to eat five avocados.
It's high stakes.
You only got one move: guacamole.
That's it, that's all you can do.
Guacamole is like the banana bread of avocado.
That's all you can do, 'cause you can't eat five.
You can't eat one avocado eat four more.
That's insane.
But you could eat one big-ass bowl of guacamole.
That's a healthy fat.
I'm getting older.
I'm getting boring-er.
I'm just trying to eat healthy and not get hurt.
That's my passion.
That's how I wake up.
That's how I get pumped up.
I'm like, "Let's go out there and not get hurt!" I wear a helmet when I ride my bicycle, I wear a helmet I don't mind people teasing me.
That's fine with me, you know why? Because that's my favorite kind of humor.
Yeah, talkin' trash about safety.
That's comedy, right? Like, if I see my dad and he's taking his blood pressure medication? Oh, I'mma get him.
I'm clownin' him.
I'm like, "Yo, check out this heart nerd over here, tryin' to lower his cholesterol like a little bitch".
Or if I see a pedestrian crossing the street, I'm like, "Yo, check out that mama's boy looking both ways.
" When I cross the street I look one way directly at the sun.
I just got healthcare that you could use.
It's a whole different game.
I'm seein' all the doctors.
I got a physical therapist for some back pain.
I got a mouth guard made 'cause my dentist said I grind my teeth.
I went to see a dermatologist just to see what they do.
I live a different life now.
Life is different.
After the show, I'm gonna go home, before I go to bed I'm gonna do all the stretching as prescribed by my physical therapist.
I'm gonna pop in my mouth guard, and I'm gonna do the same shit NBA players do to get ready for a championship game so I can lay down.
That's how I go to bed.
I'm like, "Yo, I'm ready.
I'm ready.
Put me down, coach, put me down.
Night-night on three, night-night on three.
One, two, three! Night-night.
" Doctors.
I took my girlfriend to go see a-- to get a mammogram.
It's a screening for breast cancer.
I didn't know what it was.
It was her first one, so we both learned a lot.
When you get a mammogram they take your boob, they put it on a very hard surface, and then they smash it multiple times.
It's painful.
The only reason I know is because the first time they smashed my girlfriend's boob, she farted.
That was her first reaction.
She felt attacked.
She did what she had to do.
We all know about fight or flight, but there is sometimes a third "F" option.
I felt terrible.
I felt terrible, because right then and there I knew how much it hurt her.
Because I know her threshold for pain is lower than mine, but I also know that her fear of farting in public is way higher.
So I knew how much that hurt her.
And it--it hurt me.
I was like, "It shouldn't be that hard.
" We're trying to screen women for cancer, shouldn't be that hard.
When dudes, when we get screened, you know, they touch your balls, they put a finger in your butt.
Like, that's pretty chill.
That's chill.
I think most of us already screened ourselves for fun.
I just think it should be easier, you know? Should be a little more equal.
Like, if they told me, "Hey, we're gonna check you for cancer, but we're gonna smash your balls a few times.
" I'd be like, "Man, I probably don't got it.
I feel good.
If I got it, I'm just gonna have to beat that shit.
" That's it for me.
You guys been super fun.
Thank you all very much.
Phoebe: Keep it going for Sheng Wang! Keep it going for everyone you've seen tonight, you guys.
- We're 2 Dope Queens! Normally, when we end the show, I always like to initiate a body surf, but we are in Kings Theatre, and that is unsafe.
So we cannot do that.
But what would you do if you could? I would have a glass of wine, like a bottle of wine, I would chug a bottle of wine.
I would just kind of, like, get some more brunch and walk out and just eat.
- Yeah, just eat as I'm walking out.
I actually have an idea, hold on just a second.
Where's she go-- You guys.
I'll be back.
Let's talk shit about Jessica right now.
Please don't.
That'll ruin me.
It'll ruin my career before it's begun.
No.
Okay, yas.
Look at that booty jiggle.
- Yas.
- All right, look, so here's what's gonna happen.
- Yas.
- These are for you.
Yas? Oh, they're fake, but great.
Yas.
Sorry.
I cut corners on the budget a little bit.
That's okay.
Don't need 'em.
- I'm gonna have some of this.
- Okay.
You should lay down like you're body surfing and then I'm gonna push you off that way.
'Kay.
I just wanna say, this is a size eight body in a size six shapewear, so let's see what happens.
- Ha ha ha! I gotta lean back 'cause I can't really move.
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! How much are you gonna drink? That's disgusting.
That was crazy.
I am hammered.
- I'm ready.
Don't barf on me.
Maybe I will, but we're friends, dawg.
This is what we do.
This is called partying.
Also, it feels like our wedding night, and I'm like, "Shit.
" I guess she did say I would have to do all of the work.
So let's go.
Bye, everybody! YQY! YQY, bitches! Yas! Like, patriarchy is a real thing Yes! Yeeeees! We're doin' it! We're doin' it! It's all me.
It's just me.
Yeah, I'm just a girl without a bro Who like to get in my zone I'm just a girl who like to roll a blunt And smoke it alone I'm just a girl who actin' beasty 'Cause I'm still on my cycle I'm just a girl who wanna have my cake And eat on arrival I'm just a-woah Tired of and bros telling sisters Where she need to go, you like it slow Yeah, you want it dirty, I know Turn around and you call me a ho Get out my show I free da nipple and tickle them Then I proceeded to glow Therefore de-stressin', oh no who I wanna and then I'mma kick in You already know Oh, you ain't know? That's babygirl Still run away, That's babygirl Every want lil' babygirl But most of y'all can't handle babygirl - Babygirl Make her own money, that's babygirl Still getting' paid, still still runaway Ain't ain't nobody like that babygirl Yeah, I'm just a girl Yeah, I'm just a girl Yeah, I'm just a girl who likes to pull a flip My chicken and dip I'm just a girl who got the boss what That could still make a hit I'm just a girl who keep it poppin' And on my knee and tummy I'm just a girl who like a girl Who like my meez on my nonny I'm just a, 'ey, I up da system I disturb the peace, 'ey, back all my egg Can't cop a feelin', he feelin' away He want it bad, though He masculinity fragile I don't do drugs, but I dabble Look at you, look at you, lost in the sauce No, I ain't bossy, I just be the boss Oh you ain't know? That's babygirl Still run away, That's babygirl Every want lil' babygirl But most of y'all can't handle babygirl Who dat there? That's babygirl Make her own money, that's babygirl Still getting' paid, still still runaway Ain't ain't nobody like that babygirl Yeah, I'm just a girl Yeah, I'm just a girl PHOEBE ROBINSON: We just had an incredible show.
The audience was right there with us.
And it was just, like, super fun.
ROBINSON: We've had amazing comics.
Sarah Jessica Parker was a dream.
We needed to have some brunch with you.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER: Plenty to share.
-Speed basically.
-You look absolutely -heartbroken.
-I was though.
PARKER: There's some-- plenty of other things.
-JESSICA WILLIAMS: I know.
-ROBINSON: Yeah.
Hi, do-- do you want to pass that WILLIAMS: The next episode is so good.
WILLIAMS: We got a big surprise.
ROBINSON: We got some dance moves.
Ya! WILLIAMS: A special you will not wanna miss.
Yaas! We've decided the topic is -BOTH: Hot peen! Objectifying dudes since '96.
Wow, '07, that was such a crazy year for me.
Elevate, elevate Elevate, elevate I'ma get lifted tonight
- Wow.
You guys.
You guys.
Was that your dinkley That's my dick.
What's up? Welcome to 2 Dope Queens! Damn! Hit it, hit it, boom, bam, pow, wow, zow, bow, dow, wow, bow, smow.
Mm, bah! Bow, dow.
It was a hero's journey.
It was actually a real hero's journey there.
Your turn.
Let's do it.
Great, I'm ready.
Tell me when.
Okay.
Fashion, fashion, work, work, twerk, Yas, shoulders, yas, hips, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Leaving the-- leaving the set, yes! I love it.
Hello, everybody.
Is this a pose that people do ever? Maybe.
I don't know if people are showing their size nines to everybody.
This is like week one, like, "America's Next Top Model" posing.
Like, everything you're doing is wrong.
You're like-- They're like, "Let me see.
Uh, there's no smizing.
" Ugh, I miss wanting to watch that show.
It's so good.
It's still good.
But this is a special episode, because this is our hair episode.
How many-- I'm just curious-- how many black ladies in the house tonight? Hey, cocoa khaleesis.
I'm very excited tonight.
I have white girl bangs.
- I've never had that before.
- They're cute! They're cute, and then the story in the back, wham, bam, pow.
I love that.
This feels very much like I'm about to perform at the Grammys, - like do a duet.
- Absolutely.
Who would you be doing your duet with? - Alicia Keys.
- Yeah, that's fine.
And what part would you do? I would do-- We would do "Empire State of Mind," - Great.
- and I would come in at the-- and I'd be like, New York But I would be quiet because I'm not a good singer.
- Well, I-- and then - New York And then I would, like, Lil Mama you and then just, like, come on at the end and shove myself in like I was a part of it.
So that was a good one.
Yeah, but this is a great episode.
We got iconic characters.
I do wanna say something really quick before we came-- I think this is a very important moment in history-- in herstory-- so, I-- My boyfriend is #BritishBakeoff, white guy, and, um and we were getting ready-- I was getting ready backstage and I had to come out, and I was like, "Babe, are my feet ashy?" And he looked down and he was like, "Yeah, a little bit.
" And he was like, "Do you want me to lotion them for you?" - That is really, really so hot.
- That is insane.
- And then he got on his knees and he lotioned my feet.
That is so hot.
I was like, this is literally - Martin Luther King Jr.
's dream.
- That's it.
That's what he was talking about.
No, I totally had that, too.
I also have a white bae, and I love when he greases my hair, because it does feel a little bit like "Ghost," when, like, Swayze comes back, and it's like, "Ooh, not too tight, not too hard.
" But it's just nice, especially when my hair is braided and, like, each finger he's dipping in the grease and then just going to the back.
It does feel a little bit like reparations.
Yeah.
And there's something about, like, the thickness of my hair, and if it's really thick, how each time his finger goes back it's like, "Ooh, are you picking the cotton now, or me?" This a reparation.
This a reparation.
Yeah, I mean, what is, like-- speaking of hair, what is the worst hairstyle you've ever gotten? Oh, gosh.
The worst? I feel-- I change my hair a lot.
I think it was when I started doing-- I had dreadlocks in college, it started my freshman year.
And this was, like, the internet was around.
I don't wanna be like, "And it was so long ago.
" But it truly was, like, AskJeeves is where you went.
Yeah.
It was like It was like eBaum's World- time and stuff.
Yes, and it was before the whole natural hair movement where there's, like, all these black girl blogs and stuff, and there was, like, credible resources.
So I just Googled, "How to start dreadlocks.
" And there was, like, this crunchy-looking white chick with dreads.
No! Yeah.
My "Butterfly Effect" movie would be me going back to stop you from doing this.
Like I'm Ashton Kutcher.
Yeah, and so she, like, suggested this wax to get, and I read all the reviews, and it was from people like "Tyler" and "Rebecca," they, like, really like this wax.
So I was like, "All right, I'm gonna save up my money from working on campus.
I'm gonna order this wax.
" And it was, like, this very white wax on my black hair, so my dreads just all looked ashy.
And no one said anything to me.
And then I went home for Christmas, and my dad was like, "Your dreadlocks are supposed to be white.
" When your dad is dragging your looks, that's, like, beyon-- This is, like, the man with a fanny pack.
I know my dad was that.
It's like, if he's dragging me, I'm like, "Oh shit, this is dark.
" Yeah, so then he was like, "You need to get wax that matches your hair color.
" And I was like, "What?!" That blew my mind.
I thought this was the only wax available, because "Tyler" was like, "It was great.
" I will say, one of the coolest ones that I do get sort of nostalgic about is my mom used to do French braids down to beads, - Oh, that's-- yes.
- which was really cute.
But she would put aluminum foil on the ends.
And so whenever I'd go play and do a whole day of school, I would come back home, she's like, "You missin' a strand of beads!" And I'd be like, "Well, we were practicing tumbles.
" Like, that's insane.
How is that my responsibility? I'm six.
You practiced tumbles? You didn't tumble none? I wanted to be Dominique Dawes.
That's grea-- I recognize what she did, and I appreciated it, but I just, like, didn't do that.
I just, like, watched "Oprah" and "Living Single," and just-- that was what I did.
I love that baby you was watching "Living Single.
" - Yeah.
- That's so funny.
It explains a lot, actually.
I was just like, "I identify with these 40-plus women.
" - Like, I really was just like-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah I will say, maybe that's why we get along, because the woman that I identified with as a kid was my grandmother, and she was this very large, overweight woman who sat around the house naked, and we watched, like, "Hercule Poirot" and "Murder, She Wrote.
" And that shit was poppin'.
She let me eat whatever I wanted.
She would, like, be naked sitting on a couch like this.
It was just the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen.
So I remind you of a - No! I was saying-- No, I never even said that.
This is intense.
I literally never said that.
We can play it back in post, but I did not say that.
But I was saying that I identified with that when I was young, and that was, like, the only person that I wanted to hang out with when I was little.
- Got it.
Great.
So I, you know, was hanging out with older people.
Right.
And so I am your older-- You're my-- Do you want me to say you're my grandma that's sitting naked with her titties out? No, I don't want you to say that.
I feel like you just said that on our HBO special.
I didn't, I didn't.
I didn't say that on the spesh.
I have to stay forever young for the industry, okay? Don't hit all of our cameras that we're sharing together.
How dare you? I got this back camera, and I got this camera back here, so - Whoo.
- It was okay.
It wasn't that impressive.
It was fine.
What if that's how I had sex with my boyfriend? He was like, "Get on top, and I was like, "Okay, one second.
" Even that-- Even that is too strenuous.
Even that is too strenuous, but I feel like I would do it, like, I would be like, "All right, andwe're in.
We're in, I'm in.
I'm lowering.
I'm lowering.
I'm lowering.
- I mean-- I do find, actually, that that is actually what it looks like.
There's like a run-and-jump-on, like I'm threading a needle.
You have to-- you're leaping onto dicks? It just seems fun.
When you see it there, when you see it there, and that's what you've been, like, a monster about for the last six minutes, you just wanna run and-- Dominique Dawes-- and just jump right on it.
- No.
No.
I wanna lie d-- I'm 33, I wanna lie down, I wanna lie down.
I'm 28, and I still have all of my years ahead of me.
I am the Rosa Parks of this bedroom, I'm not getting up for any white man.
Do not bring her into this.
I'm not getting up for any white man.
- I'm lying down.
- Do not bring her into this.
Do not bring her into this.
Sorry, Rosa.
Disrespectful.
Should we get this show started? Let's do it! Whoo! We have an amazing show for you guys tonight.
We have some surprises, we have amazing standups, and we're gonna be out here being silly-A-F.
You're gonna love it.
Our next act that we're gonna bring out, she is blowing up in the game.
She's been doing late-night standup all over the place.
She was on "Crashing," she's touring the country.
She's hysterical.
She's also a fan favorite of our podcast.
Please give it up for-- Both: Aparna Nancherla! Have fun.
I missed you! Hello, hello! Keep it going for Phoebe and Jessica! So crazy.
Oh man, hi guys.
How are you, good? Yeah, you seem great.
No, it's good to be here.
This theater is beautiful.
You guys feeling it? - Great.
What a treat.
It's always nice just to be inside in New York, you know? Like, I was outside earlier.
Anyone else? Kinda whether you want to or not, everyone in New York you sort of involuntarily become a wine connoisseur, but for trash smells? When you're walking around, you're just like, "Oh, what is that? It's like um, you know, it's like a tuna base with a is that notes of a Ooh, diaper! It surprises you at the end.
Wow.
Is that a urine finish?" It's a trick, it's always a urine finish.
It's the city's signature scent.
I walk a lot here, like most people, and sometimes I'll go into random businesses just to give myself a little break, keep hope alive, and Sometimes I won't even check what the business is, you know? I'll just walk in, try to clock it very quickly, be like, "Okay, all right.
I guess I'm a cigar aficionado now.
" You know, it's like ask a question, make it seem like you fit in.
"Uh, sir? Is it just the brown sticks? Okay.
" Seems like a reasonable question.
It's an intimidating city to walk around, you know, fashion game, very strong.
I'm always relieved when competitive romper season is over.
Yeah.
Because, you know, now it's not even limited by gender.
It's terrifying.
It's really anyone's game.
The stakes have never been higher.
Like, I generally prefer weather where you can wear enough layers that people are like, "Well, you know, does she have a physical form at all? Maybe she's more of a concept.
" Like, if I ever get to go on the red carpet, I want reporters to be like, "Who aren't you wearing? So many gowns! Which part is supposed to be the head," you know? Like, I love a good baggy sweater.
I feel like baggy sweaters were the original emotional support dog for women.
Like, you wear one and people finally stop asking if you're okay, you know? They're like, "She's healing now, it's official.
" You're just, like, effortlessly transform into a human mug of tea.
I was like, I wonder if there's a point where as a woman you just get more comfortable with all this? And I was like, no, you know what? I bet even female ghosts will, like, see a sheet flapping in the wind and they'll just be like, "Ugh.
Body goals.
" You know? Like, I bet I bet it never ends for us.
I bet even in the afterlife it'll be like, "Ooh, ten ways to make your bones shine!" You know? "Got to keep it tight.
" It's a weird time to be a woman and to have a body, you know? It's not the best.
It's not the best, historically speaking.
Like, I've been reading the news.
My main problem with the news is, like, "Every day? Do we really need it every day?" Like, now when I read the news I'm just like, "Okay, time for my daily screams," you know? Like, my vocal range has really improved.
But I try to-- Anything positive, you know, that I can draw out of it, I try to round up.
Like, the day of the eclipse when Trump looked at the sun I was like, "That was an okay day," you know? I think I-- I think I sorta smiled that day.
Yeah.
And, you know, it doesn't feel like it was his first time, you know? I wouldn't be surprised if there's many a morning when an aide is just like, "He's out there again! Who left the gate open," you know? "Someone go get him.
" I've been trying to hold onto the Russia stuff really tight.
I have been sort of daydreaming, like, "Oh, you know, what would I wear to a spring impeachment?" Yeah.
- Um You know, it's like something with full transparency would be good.
It's also-- I've noticed-- It's like why are the worst people with terrible ideas, they always have so much confidence and conviction? And that's how they gain followers and power.
Like, I could never imagine anyone in the current administration just sitting up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat just like-- "Maybe I should rethink everything I do and say.
" You know? Whereas I feel like a lot of the rest of us, with good intentions but very little power, are constantly walking around just being like, "Did I smile at that barista wrong Like, it doesn't feel like a fair distribution from the universe.
And you're like, "What is the wrong way to smile?" This There is a wrong way.
I do hope this whole period, like, I hope history captures it as it happened, you know, and not like some skewed version, like the right way, not the alt-right way.
Thank you for making any noise at all.
Because I was thinking about Columbus, like, Christopher Columbus, I was like, he had a great PR campaign, you know? People really cleaned things up for him.
At the end of it, he got a whole Monday.
I was like, yeah, you don't get a Monday for Arbor Day.
And I feel like trees have been pretty cool across the board.
But, you know, it's like Columbus, we know he was monster, we know he did some heinous things.
What are we still celebrating? I guess you could argue maybe he originated the concept of, like, "I'm not here to make friends.
I'm here to win.
" That's kind of his legacy, you know? Like, I could just imagine him doing a confessional where he's just like, "I don't like any of them, you know? They don't look like me.
They don't have spices, and you know, frankly, I make them sick.
" Uh Yep.
Yeah, that's a history joke and a wordplay joke.
It's, you know, something for no one, so it's kind of where I operate.
But I have become very overdramatic since the election.
That is on me.
Like, you know, everything is now loaded with symbolism.
Like, whenever it rains now I'm just like, "Metaphor," you know? I'm like a teen poet in bloom.
Like, I remember on the inauguration I ordered a sandwich and it was supposed to come on wheat bread but it came on white bread.
And I was like, "Hello, it's already happening.
" You guys have been so nice.
Thank you so much.
Enjoy the rest of the show.
Keep it going for Aparna Nancherla! - Oh, my God.
- I love her.
She's such a cute little nugget.
Just a damn delight of little nuggetness.
I know.
How are you guys doing, good? - So I was gonna ask you, what hairstyles do you like on dudes? - Ooh, that's a good one.
- Mm-hmm.
I always, I mean, like, you just up, but like barely any hair kinda there.
- That works.
That works.
- It's hot.
I'm also kind of into the, like, barista male bun thing that happens.
- It can work.
It can work.
- Yeah, okay, you're only booing because it's cool to boo.
You shut your mouth.
Everybody has their own journey.
Yes! It's like everybody hating Guy Fieri, and he donates a lot to charity.
Right.
And I'm not saying I, like, want to marry a guy with a man bun, but I'm like, do I wanna have a weekend fling on his mattress? Sure, 'cause he has no headboard, - there's no headboard.
- That fling is so intense.
Is the mattress on the floor? It's on the floor, there's no headboard.
He's gotta be working that schlong to get that for that.
'Cause that means you're going home Friday and then you're gonna stay Saturday and Sunday? - He's giving you some good D.
- No, okay, I go on Friday, stay Saturday, I leave mid-afternoon on Sunday, and then I catch up on Oprah "SuperSoul Sunday" at night.
So you have time to do the rest of your day.
Yes, right.
I think there should be more, like, as far as men's hair, like, bald man awareness.
Like, it's good, it works-- if they can pull it off.
That is a shitty slogan.
Bald man awareness.
If you're hot, go for it.
If you're not, fucking dig your head in the dirt.
"Bald man awareness-- if you can do it, do it a bunch!" Okay, that-- that literally was terrible.
I probably have another one.
Let me see if I have another one.
Yeah.
Take two.
Take two.
"Bald man awareness-- Mr.
Clean's kinda hot when you really think about it!" That's great.
That is great.
- Thank you.
All right, we should keep it going with the show.
- I think that's good.
- Let's do it, I'm in.
Yeah, clap, clap, clap.
My bangle fell off.
I'm gonna be like on "Game of Thrones.
" "My name is Brienne of Tarth, my lady.
" Did my mother send you? Yeah! Spoilers, okay.
But also, if you haven't seen it, you know, what the fuck? I do want us to move on, but when I was reaching down I kind of, like, hurt my heel a little bit.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I see that.
- And so I'm worried about being wobbly, so can we get a stagehand to come out super-quick to, like, help with my shoe situation? - Somebody who can fix-- Jessica: Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Oh - my gosh! Oh, my gosh.
Phoebe: Keep it going for SarahJessicaParker! - Ooh! This is insane.
- This is Okay, first of all, I wanna say, when you hugged me, did you smell anything familiar? - You smell lovely.
- Jessica: Aw No, I'm wearing your fragrance Lovely-- I am! I want to be your friend that bad, I'm like, let me just spray this on.
That is a little thirsty, but I congratulate you on the win.
Friends support friends, even when they're thirst traps.
I will say-- Oh, it's working! So, there you go.
It looked strong.
That was so iconic, you coming out and helping.
And then your shoes and your out-- I just can't-- This is amazing.
Oh, my God.
Well, we're both huge fans of "Sex and the City," and-- - Obviously.
So obvi, we needed to have some brunch with you.
Oh, of course, of course.
It's been a while.
Phoebe: Let's have a little girl talk.
Look at this.
- Parker: Oh, my gosh.
- Jessica: Guardian angel.
- Phoebe: Thank you so much.
- This is a feast, thank you.
- I feel like he pushed it a little more.
- Well, this is a real-- - It's a light brunch.
- This is fine.
- We got granola, you know? - For those who pay attention.
- You got your pastries, and we're doing carbs, - if we're gonna be bad today.
- Yeah.
Yes.
And here we got-- - Oh! - Whoa! Damn! - Whoa! - Wow, that's a-- - Like, chocolate, with a little ganache on it for the "Top Chef" kids.
Yes, with a candied pecan and some gently carved-- I love that.
I'm gonna do this.
- This is gonna be my zone.
- And just the biggest bowl of grapes I've ever seen in my fucking life.
That's like some "Games of Thrones" nonsense.
Plenty to share with the audience.
And then this little-- I'm gonna go for the sugar.
- It's cute.
- Oh, my God, I know what those are! What are they? That's Upper Crust Bakery, available at Costo.
I just-- - No! No, here! You go to Costco?! Which Costco are we going to? I go to every grocery store you all go to.
I'm going with you to Costco.
If we were good and kind we'd pass them out.
We will, we totally will.
Wait, I'm gonna throw one.
No! Why not? It's my special, why not? They're all human beings.
This isn't the fucki'' "Hunger Games.
" That was insane.
- It's called making-- I was making food fun.
- Everyone enjoyed it.
- That's not it.
This isn't your second grade class and your teacher's teaching you about bacon.
It was an adrenaline rush, I feel like, for everyone.
It was like the movie "Speed.
" It's not even gonna get very far.
I'm so sorry.
It was the movie "Speed" basically.
You look absolutely heartbroken.
There's plenty of other things.
Likely not as good, not as good.
Phoebe: Does anybody just want a bowl of loose granola? Oh, I could fling it like a Frisbee.
Do you guys wanna-- Do you want to pass that to your friends behind you? And we do have plenty of grapes.
Grapes are always a big hit.
Wait, guys, can you just pass it that way? - No, let's keep this here.
Oh, thank you so much.
Sorry, thank you.
And I guess just a check.
- And, um - Um And now we're left with strawberries, which is like a Hollywood brunch.
- That's all we're eating.
- This is what we need.
This is what we needed.
- Ooh.
That's lovely.
- That's what we needed.
Phoebe: So, you're a hair icon.
You are-- - Girl, you are.
- You really are.
Some people look really perplexed by that.
- No, they love you.
- No! If they are, like, whatevs, we'll talk about it afterwards.
But Google it.
Maybe more so that maybe I was on the receiving end of some really talented hair stylists.
I think that's a more accurate characterization.
- No.
- No.
Because it's-- - We need you to take this compliment.
- All right.
- Oprah always says you have to accept the good.
- Okay.
- Yeah, let us give it to you.
- Okay, that's very nice of you.
- But no, you were, and there was something so refreshing about seeing your hair the way it was in a lot of the roles that you played.
- Well, thank you.
- Yeah, it was like curly and big, and just like-- - It was curly yesterday.
I didn't-- I really didn't know that this was the hair show.
In all sincerity, now I'm just gonna confess totally that I actually did my own makeup today also, - Yas! - because I didn't really understand the magnitude of the situation.
And I really should have done and could have done better.
- Had I involved-- - You look great.
If I had involved professionals, like, real professionals-- - No.
No, stop it.
No.
- Stop it right here.
We're gonna stop you.
SJP, a team helped me-- But I don't even have, like, a thing in, - like, an extra piece or anything.
- No, this is iconic.
- I'll stand behind you - Yeah, give her some of yours.
Well, actually, is that how it works? Phoebe, it's not reading well.
I will say it's not reading well.
Well, maybe I need to stand behind you.
Maybe some of my, like, light Winehouse-inspired work.
Is that working? - No.
- Not reading well.
- I can't tell.
The real you is all that's needed.
Sarah, I just wanna say a team put this together.
When I showed up today, I was wearing period-stained underwear.
- It was a hot mess.
That's my point.
A professional came in, and it's like Dorothy in Oz.
This system of shining you up, of making you presentable, that's really what a p-- it's really unbelievable, right? - Yeah, none of this is real.
- Yeah.
No, no, it's all real.
Because you can't-- - Oh, my God, she touched my face.
- you can't make up that.
- Can I get-- - Oh, my God.
- It was just the softest-- - It was so tender.
It's like-- - I didn't even have a manicure! - Phoebe: Vera Wang lotion.
You're a real person, Sarah.
You are, yeah.
Sare-Sare, you're real.
Let's talk about something else.
What do you guys want to talk about? We could teach you about black hair, if you're interested.
- Oh, yes.
Yeah, what do you know? How can we walk you into this? What don't I know? Let me think about that.
Let's focus more on what don't I know.
Well, I don't know how, um how it stay--how you can have really incredible - Everyone shut your mouth! - This is a safe space! - Shut your mouth! - This is a safe space.
- She's our friend! - This is a safe space! You know that I'm about to ask the very thing that you don't know either.
- Right! Drag them! - Oh yes! Drag them, Sarah! Drag their bodies.
To hell! Drag it to hell.
All of their bodies.
- When you're on the 1 train - Both: Yes.
or the L, or the B or the F or the D, and you see an unbelievably complex - hairstyle - Both: Yes.
how do you keep it nice for so long? - How does it-- That's a great question.
I think that was a black woman cackling from knowing the answer.
Disregard.
"Sarah Jessica Parker don't know what?!" That's what that was, which is insane.
- We all learn to walk.
- No, because, I mean, you can be careful, you can be still in bed, but it would require-- Have you ever seen how the geisha have to sleep in Japan? No, but I did see "Memoirs of a Geisha.
" You know, there's, like, literally-- - She's like, "White people, you know, right?" - You have to, uh Allies - We're all in this together.
White people? - This is brutal.
- No.
You're killing it.
- This is where she's gonna need white people to step up.
But do you know what I mean? Because sometimes it's also not just a flat, complicated-- sometimes there's like all these amazing pieces that come out, and there's colors, and it's-- You mean from our people? Black people, right.
And it's amixed media.
Let's call it a mixed media.
- Yes! - An installation! This sounds like a New York Times art critic review.
And I love it.
Like, Solange is listening to this, she's like, "It is like that.
We are art.
" - It is mixed media.
- This is, like, iconic.
So how do you keep it nice for a while? Because it's a huge amount of work, and-- - Right, okay.
- Okay, so for this look, as soon as the show is over, ow, the bangs gone.
- Clip in, clip in, and-- - Oh.
Yes, this is a sew-in weave, and then it's just curled in the back.
So, I'll probably keep the weave in for maybe-- four to five weeks, I always change it out.
Sometimes I wear my hair out, which is an Afro, so I let it breathe, because I am not my hair.
- Right, right.
You mean, like, you can't breathe for your hair? Right, so my scalp needs to breathe.
And then I take it out, wash it, have just, like, a really nice, judgmental black lady wash my hair, and then - That is the worst! - That is the worst.
- Yeah.
The amount of, like-- 'Cause I think we both grew up in the suburbs, pretty awkward, both do comedy, and so hair hasn't traditionally been the priority.
But as soon as a black hairstylist looks at my hair-- and my hair is called, like, "comb breaker," AKA, like, 4c hair.
And, um.
.
- No, but I know comb breaker.
- Yeah, yeah.
So anyway, it's just, like, a black woman just being like, "Mm, mm, mm.
Shame.
Shame.
" And they're always like, "How long you leave this in?" They can smell how long you left it in.
You know it was nine weeks and it was too long.
- Don't ask me how long I left it in.
- Don't ask, Miss Toya, don't ask.
Mm, mm, mm.
But then with braids, you just braid it how you want, then you just kinda like flip it-- But when there is so much dimension, and it's so pretty and shiny, and each-- each curl, each section, is-- it needs attendance.
- Well, it's a little different if you're a person of color.
So we can pull off going without washing our hair for longer periods of time than white people.
- White.
White.
- White people.
I remember when I was in school, like, Johnny would go without washing his hair for two days, and the whole damn class would know.
So-- Johnny was white-- but I am somebody who always wears braids, normally, and I let my braids just go.
I like for them to look really natural.
If I were a woman who waxed regularly on time, I would get my braids done every three-and-a-half weeks.
But again: comedians.
We don't play like that.
- No, not a priority.
- Not a priority.
Right, right.
Other than that, I came out of my mom with this hair.
- No, of course it is.
- Just full head of hair like this.
It was plumped already, like all of it.
I just came out.
But this was incredible.
Thank you so much for doing our show.
Thank you for having me.
I'm so honored.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
- Of course, our pleasure.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Give it up for Sarah Jessica Parker, everybody! - Phoebe: That was cool.
That's one of my favorite tiny white ladies.
You know what? When she was starting to figure out black hair, I wanted to be like, "You is kind, you are smart.
" I just wanted to encourage her.
- I'm like, "You are getting it.
" - Yes.
- "You are getting it!" - Yes.
Give it up one more time for SJP, everybody.
- That was truly amazing.
- Should we keep it moving right along? - Definitely.
Our next act, she's also from Ohio.
What She has an amazing show out called "Take My Wife.
" She's also been on Conan.
She's traveling all over the country.
Please give it up for Both: Rhea Butcher! - Have fun - Hi! Oh, my God, you guys, this is such a great show, yeah? Absolutely.
I have to ask you all a question first.
Did anybody take a rideshare here? Did you take Lyft? Too many of you are lying.
I like taking Lyfts.
Gets you around, it's cheap, but also, I like taking Lyfts because I am a talker.
It's a conversation that you get to tip at the end.
It's perfect.
I can rate it.
I have a five-star rating on Lyft.
I'm good at it! I get in a car, I like to chat it up.
I have a full friendship in a Lyft ride sometimes-- beginning, middle, and end.
I'll get out of that car just like, "Janelle, that daughter of yours is gonna be president one day.
Thank you for the ride.
" "Chad, I would wish you good luck on that CPA test tomorrow, but you don't need it, buddy!" Five stars.
I just love chit-chattin' with people.
I'm an only child, I grew up with my grandparents, like talking about Perry Mason and Columbo.
That's what I like to talk about.
Get into a Lyft, and I am also a front seat sitter.
Uh-oh! Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Yes.
I have to sit in the front.
But this is New York City and they're like, "Absolutely not.
" I live in Los Angeles and they're like, "Sure, sure, sure.
" I think also talking in a Lyft, for me, it's a bit of a safety issue, you know? Because if you look like a genderless guitar tech for the Lumineers you get into a silent Lyft.
No, no, no.
I got into a Lyft the other day, it was a newer car, so I got into the car, I sat in the front--of course-- and I noticed that it had manual transmission, so I was like, "Ooh, conversation starter.
" Driver got in and I said, "Oh, I notice you drive stick.
That's very cool.
I drive stick.
Not that many people drive stick these days.
" And he was like, " Yeah, and not that many women know how to drive stick either.
" Have you ever been complimented and insulted at exactly the same time? Every woman, person of color, LGBTQ person, or combination of any, is like, "Yes, every day.
It's the whole thing.
" But I wanted to tell you guys my absolute favorite Lyft ride of recent days.
I called a Lyft, got into it with some vegan ice cream that I had ordered for my wife-- two things that might be illegal in two years, let's find out.
Which one will be first? That's the real question.
Sat down in the front next to the driver, and he turned to me and said, "Hello, sir.
How's your evening going?" Now, I have been sir-ed my entire life.
It's happened to me since I was a little kid, all the time.
And I used to, for a long time, say to a human being's face when they called me "sir," I would just say right to their human face, "I'm a woman"-- just real loud.
Sometimes I would just enter rooms like that, "I'm a woman!" Just "Happy Bat Mitzvah.
" And usually that person would just start apologizing to me.
I'd say, "I'm a woman!" And they'd say, "Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! It's just your haircut, and your clothing, and the way you carry yourself, and your voice.
" Then I would say, "Shh! Shh! Shh.
You had me at 'I'm sorry.
'" But these days, you know, my gender identity is evolving.
I'm thinking of mysel-- I'm everything that I've always been and everything that I always will be.
I kind of think of people as rings on a tree, you know? We're just experiences, and we're always changing and always figuring ourselves out.
And the thing is, he was just trying to get an answer right to a question that was never correct to begin with, you see? Because the whole thing is made up.
Just made up! Completely made up.
You know when people are like, "You know that word Haagen-Dazs that's not a real word?" I'm like, "Oh really? Like all the other words that are 100% real that have existed for all of time?" Plus, we only have two options.
There's only two boxes.
Only two boxes.
Only two boxes.
There's only two boxes! And the thing is, some people are like, "Hey, you put me in this box, and actually I'm this box.
" And some people are like, "I'm kinda both boxes.
" And some people are like, "This box, maybe this box.
" Some people are running around the boxes.
Some people are picking up the boxes.
Some people are taping them shut for later, you know? There's a lot of people on the planet.
And so for whatever reason, in this particular Lyft ride I felt kinda safe.
And so I was just like, "You know what? I'm gonna let this ride.
Let's see what happens.
" And I said, "My night's pretty good, sir.
How's yours?" And he was like, "Well, sir, it's goin' pretty great.
" And I was like, "Holy shit-- he thinks I'm a dude!" Can we pull over? Can I apply for a job real quick? Yeah.
And we were driving for a while, and he said to me, he turned to me and said, "Sir, can I ask you a question?" And I was like, "Absolutely.
" He was like, "Do you like jazz, sir?" And I was like, "You know what? I do.
I keep my car radio locked to the jazz station.
It keeps my blood pressure down.
It keeps me a lot less "road rage-y" these days.
" Plus I didn't really listen to that much jazz, so it's all new to me! Yeah.
And he was like, "That's wonderful, sir.
Can I ask you another question?" I was like, "Shoot.
" And he said, "Do you like Frank Sinatra, sir?" And I said, "Frank Sinatra? Do I like Frank Sinatra? It's Frank Sinatra.
Of course I like Frank Sinatra.
" And he said to me, "Sir, you are a great man.
" And I said, "Hell, yeah, I am.
" And that, my friends, is a much better version of "La La Land" than you will ever see.
Thanks so much.
I've been Rhea Butcher.
Phoebe: Rhea Butcher! You guys ready for our next comic? Our next comic is very funny.
A writer for "Fresh Off the Boat," and he have a comedy special out.
Please give it up for Both: Sheng Wang! - Thank you.
- Hello, thank you so much.
- Thanks, Sheng, have fun.
- Thank you Oh, thank you.
Kill it, kill it, man.
Thank you, thank you.
Hi, guys.
Ooh, I'm sorry.
I'm a little stressed out.
I found out I got too many ripe avocados.
They just creep up on you.
We love 'em, they're great.
They're so expensive, so I buy a bundle so I can save a little bit.
But you can't eat 'em for like six to eight days.
I didn't put it on the calendar.
I forgot I bought avocados.
You find one ripe avocado, that's a moment of joy.
You find a bag of five that's a crisis.
But it's different now.
I can't go out and have dinner tonight.
I gotta stay home and handle my business.
I got 24 hours to eat five avocados.
It's high stakes.
You only got one move: guacamole.
That's it, that's all you can do.
Guacamole is like the banana bread of avocado.
That's all you can do, 'cause you can't eat five.
You can't eat one avocado eat four more.
That's insane.
But you could eat one big-ass bowl of guacamole.
That's a healthy fat.
I'm getting older.
I'm getting boring-er.
I'm just trying to eat healthy and not get hurt.
That's my passion.
That's how I wake up.
That's how I get pumped up.
I'm like, "Let's go out there and not get hurt!" I wear a helmet when I ride my bicycle, I wear a helmet I don't mind people teasing me.
That's fine with me, you know why? Because that's my favorite kind of humor.
Yeah, talkin' trash about safety.
That's comedy, right? Like, if I see my dad and he's taking his blood pressure medication? Oh, I'mma get him.
I'm clownin' him.
I'm like, "Yo, check out this heart nerd over here, tryin' to lower his cholesterol like a little bitch".
Or if I see a pedestrian crossing the street, I'm like, "Yo, check out that mama's boy looking both ways.
" When I cross the street I look one way directly at the sun.
I just got healthcare that you could use.
It's a whole different game.
I'm seein' all the doctors.
I got a physical therapist for some back pain.
I got a mouth guard made 'cause my dentist said I grind my teeth.
I went to see a dermatologist just to see what they do.
I live a different life now.
Life is different.
After the show, I'm gonna go home, before I go to bed I'm gonna do all the stretching as prescribed by my physical therapist.
I'm gonna pop in my mouth guard, and I'm gonna do the same shit NBA players do to get ready for a championship game so I can lay down.
That's how I go to bed.
I'm like, "Yo, I'm ready.
I'm ready.
Put me down, coach, put me down.
Night-night on three, night-night on three.
One, two, three! Night-night.
" Doctors.
I took my girlfriend to go see a-- to get a mammogram.
It's a screening for breast cancer.
I didn't know what it was.
It was her first one, so we both learned a lot.
When you get a mammogram they take your boob, they put it on a very hard surface, and then they smash it multiple times.
It's painful.
The only reason I know is because the first time they smashed my girlfriend's boob, she farted.
That was her first reaction.
She felt attacked.
She did what she had to do.
We all know about fight or flight, but there is sometimes a third "F" option.
I felt terrible.
I felt terrible, because right then and there I knew how much it hurt her.
Because I know her threshold for pain is lower than mine, but I also know that her fear of farting in public is way higher.
So I knew how much that hurt her.
And it--it hurt me.
I was like, "It shouldn't be that hard.
" We're trying to screen women for cancer, shouldn't be that hard.
When dudes, when we get screened, you know, they touch your balls, they put a finger in your butt.
Like, that's pretty chill.
That's chill.
I think most of us already screened ourselves for fun.
I just think it should be easier, you know? Should be a little more equal.
Like, if they told me, "Hey, we're gonna check you for cancer, but we're gonna smash your balls a few times.
" I'd be like, "Man, I probably don't got it.
I feel good.
If I got it, I'm just gonna have to beat that shit.
" That's it for me.
You guys been super fun.
Thank you all very much.
Phoebe: Keep it going for Sheng Wang! Keep it going for everyone you've seen tonight, you guys.
- We're 2 Dope Queens! Normally, when we end the show, I always like to initiate a body surf, but we are in Kings Theatre, and that is unsafe.
So we cannot do that.
But what would you do if you could? I would have a glass of wine, like a bottle of wine, I would chug a bottle of wine.
I would just kind of, like, get some more brunch and walk out and just eat.
- Yeah, just eat as I'm walking out.
I actually have an idea, hold on just a second.
Where's she go-- You guys.
I'll be back.
Let's talk shit about Jessica right now.
Please don't.
That'll ruin me.
It'll ruin my career before it's begun.
No.
Okay, yas.
Look at that booty jiggle.
- Yas.
- All right, look, so here's what's gonna happen.
- Yas.
- These are for you.
Yas? Oh, they're fake, but great.
Yas.
Sorry.
I cut corners on the budget a little bit.
That's okay.
Don't need 'em.
- I'm gonna have some of this.
- Okay.
You should lay down like you're body surfing and then I'm gonna push you off that way.
'Kay.
I just wanna say, this is a size eight body in a size six shapewear, so let's see what happens.
- Ha ha ha! I gotta lean back 'cause I can't really move.
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! How much are you gonna drink? That's disgusting.
That was crazy.
I am hammered.
- I'm ready.
Don't barf on me.
Maybe I will, but we're friends, dawg.
This is what we do.
This is called partying.
Also, it feels like our wedding night, and I'm like, "Shit.
" I guess she did say I would have to do all of the work.
So let's go.
Bye, everybody! YQY! YQY, bitches! Yas! Like, patriarchy is a real thing Yes! Yeeeees! We're doin' it! We're doin' it! It's all me.
It's just me.
Yeah, I'm just a girl without a bro Who like to get in my zone I'm just a girl who like to roll a blunt And smoke it alone I'm just a girl who actin' beasty 'Cause I'm still on my cycle I'm just a girl who wanna have my cake And eat on arrival I'm just a-woah Tired of and bros telling sisters Where she need to go, you like it slow Yeah, you want it dirty, I know Turn around and you call me a ho Get out my show I free da nipple and tickle them Then I proceeded to glow Therefore de-stressin', oh no who I wanna and then I'mma kick in You already know Oh, you ain't know? That's babygirl Still run away, That's babygirl Every want lil' babygirl But most of y'all can't handle babygirl - Babygirl Make her own money, that's babygirl Still getting' paid, still still runaway Ain't ain't nobody like that babygirl Yeah, I'm just a girl Yeah, I'm just a girl Yeah, I'm just a girl who likes to pull a flip My chicken and dip I'm just a girl who got the boss what That could still make a hit I'm just a girl who keep it poppin' And on my knee and tummy I'm just a girl who like a girl Who like my meez on my nonny I'm just a, 'ey, I up da system I disturb the peace, 'ey, back all my egg Can't cop a feelin', he feelin' away He want it bad, though He masculinity fragile I don't do drugs, but I dabble Look at you, look at you, lost in the sauce No, I ain't bossy, I just be the boss Oh you ain't know? That's babygirl Still run away, That's babygirl Every want lil' babygirl But most of y'all can't handle babygirl Who dat there? That's babygirl Make her own money, that's babygirl Still getting' paid, still still runaway Ain't ain't nobody like that babygirl Yeah, I'm just a girl Yeah, I'm just a girl PHOEBE ROBINSON: We just had an incredible show.
The audience was right there with us.
And it was just, like, super fun.
ROBINSON: We've had amazing comics.
Sarah Jessica Parker was a dream.
We needed to have some brunch with you.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER: Plenty to share.
-Speed basically.
-You look absolutely -heartbroken.
-I was though.
PARKER: There's some-- plenty of other things.
-JESSICA WILLIAMS: I know.
-ROBINSON: Yeah.
Hi, do-- do you want to pass that WILLIAMS: The next episode is so good.
WILLIAMS: We got a big surprise.
ROBINSON: We got some dance moves.
Ya! WILLIAMS: A special you will not wanna miss.
Yaas! We've decided the topic is -BOTH: Hot peen! Objectifying dudes since '96.
Wow, '07, that was such a crazy year for me.
Elevate, elevate Elevate, elevate I'ma get lifted tonight