21 Jump Street s01e06 Episode Script

1 Come on! I don't think we should do this, Jane.
I don't.
Of course we shouldn't.
That's why we're doing it.
We shouldn't have done that other stuff, either.
And give up a chance to see? Jane, he was saying mass.
God will forgive us.
He's got a great sense of humor.
Tell that to job.
You got it? Let's not do it.
We got to.
Come on.
Margie, you're gonna end up like miss manners Married to a dufus.
At this point I'd take a dufus.
What if we get caught? If we get caught they probably won't let us go to the prom.
So relax.
You got nothing to lose.
That was nice.
Thanks.
Come on.
Class: Good morning, mother salonus.
Mother salonus: Ladies.
Now I know that some of you may be embarrassed given the text of this lecture but as the senior class here at the sacred heart academy I expect today's presentation on sex education to be received with maturity and perhaps even a little bit of healthy excitement.
Someone open a window.
I'm getting excited already.
And as the mother superior please feel free to rely on my experience in these matters if you have any individual questions.
The archdiocese has made a video presentation available to us and we shall conduct a discussion afterwards.
Ladies, the miracle of marriage.
That's not what my parents call it.
All right, ladies Single file.
Nothing to worry about.
Don't be alarmed.
Don't panic.
Single file, no talking.
There's a fire! Okay, hanson.
Tonight is your night.
Is that right? Trust me on this, Reggie.
We're talking my talk.
Idiot-speak? Hey, come on, Harry.
Tell the man.
I made this guy a legend.
Half the girls in town now call him "gunslinger.
" What do you say? Look, I appreciate the offer and everything but tonight's my bowling night.
Bowling? Bowling? Did he say bowling? Yes, bowling.
I'm in a league.
A bowling league? A bowling league? Yes! Hanson, hanson, hanson I'm trying to save your life here but you're going to have to give me a little help.
Bowling? I once knew a kid whose father was a bowler.
He ran away from home.
He was three.
His mother helped him.
Listen, penhall Maybe there's still time.
Maybe Thomas here isn't any good.
Want to know what my handicap is? Yeah, bowling! Come on, hanson I'm talking about a skunk hunt here.
Girls! You, me Out there in the trenches.
Sign up for a tranquilizer gun because I'm very, very good at this.
Remember, they call him the gunslinger.
Some other night.
Tonight is my bowling night.
Hanson, tonight is Friday night.
And I don't want you to waste it in the gutter.
Besides, two guys always make out better than one.
Why don't you just go out with the gunslinger? No way, okay? The last time I shot myself in the foot.
And I did it on purpose.
She wasn't that ugly.
Doug, the lady had a warning from the surgeon general tattooed on her chest, okay? Hanson: Hey, smokey, you okay? Medium well, thank you.
We heard.
You know, guys, I thought catholic schoolgirls were supposed to be good girls, not arsonists.
That was pretty scary.
You okay, honey? Yeah.
How about the other kids? Two of 'em had to spend the night in mercy hospital Smoke inhalation and bruises.
The rest seem to be okay.
Lucky the whole building didn't burn.
Lucky again.
Yeah, and we don't seem to know any more than we ever did, do we? Sorry.
I know, jenk But these are catholic schoolgirls we're talking about.
Their idea of a good time is bingo.
That and bowling.
Jenko: Looks like we've got a firebug on our hands here, folks.
Last month, there was a fire in the boiler room.
Before that, it's a vestibule.
This is the third fire in two weeks inside the school.
Jenk, what if we run every one of them through records and I.
D.
? Check for priors? See if any of them have a record? Hey, yeah.
Maybe last mardi gras one of them gave up chocolate for good and then went psycho on a Mars bar.
I already ran them.
You got a Susan Burke? A Dorothy Patterson? And another girl named Patty blatcher? Yes.
Yeah, well, Susan Burke has been arrested eight times for shoplifting in the last 16 months.
That's probably where she gets all those sharp clothes.
Girl's got a heck of a wardrobe.
Okay, Dorothy Patterson Drunk driving, unauthorized use of a motor vehicle and a minor marijuana possession.
Party girl.
Patty blatcher Forget it, hanson.
Patty blatcher is the captain of the prom committee, for cripes' sake A snob, maybe, hanson, but not a pyro.
Yeah? When she was 12 years old she lit her parents' garage on fire.
Looks like you're gonna have to join the prom committee, Jude.
Another slammerino for the kingpins! Yeah! Way to go! See that? Concentration! Your friend? Yeah, well Sort of, I guess.
He's very good, isn't he? If you like guys who say slammerino, yeah.
I do.
Are you a kingpin? In a manner of speaking.
I'm his coach.
You bowl? Not anymore.
Gave it up.
Why? Race-car driving.
Too bad.
You know, I'm getting my ball redrilled.
Hey, race-car drivers wimps! I'm a bowler.
Beverly: Another beer? No, thanks.
I'll drink his.
Just got a Turkey.
A what? Three strikes in a row A Turkey.
Great name for it.
Hanson, let's get out of here before somebody sees us.
You're not having fun? Fun? Try it.
Come on.
Look out.
I'm coming through.
All right! Penhall, come on! Doug penhall Revolutionizing the game! Hey! You, out! Me? Me? Okay, okay, okay, I'm sorry.
I was sitting at 187, penhall And I was in the seventh frame.
Thank you very much.
What do you want me to do, kill myself? Yes! Really? We lost the match, Doug.
Hey, hey, hey, how would you two very lovely ladies like to take two very depressed bowlers out to dinner? We just lost the state finals.
It was his whole life.
What do we get? Breakfast.
Get lost.
What? I hate you.
Patty blatcher: This year's prom theme is very important.
It's our prom, our year.
It's not something we should just make up.
Margie: How about, "where the boys aren't"? I'm never gonna get a date for this.
Will you relax? You've got a whole week to dig somebody up.
Who did you ask, Kinney? Are you kidding? If she doesn't get her grades up salonus says she can't go.
I'll worry about my grades.
Hoffs: You know, I mean, proms They kind of scare me, you know.
I mean, you wait for them for like a million years and they usually end up being the worst night of your life.
That's it.
"The worst night of your life.
" I like it! You would.
Come in.
Sit down, miss Kinney.
Mother superior.
Do you think this is funny? Do I think what's funny mother superior? I think you know what I'm talking about.
No, I don't.
I think you do.
I'm going to have to inform your parents about this.
It was just a joke.
English literature is a joke to you? Sister pauline trace gave me your essay on lord Byron.
It's a disgrace.
I'm afraid if your grades don't show some signs of immediate improvement all extracurricular activities here at sacred heart will be off limits to you Including the prom.
Do I make myself clear? Yes, mother superior, you do.
Your reputation as a practical joker has not gone unnoticed, miss Kinney.
You don't happen to know anything about the fires here at sacred heart, do you? No, I don't.
I hope not.
Miss Kinney, one more thing.
I'll hold this disgusting item until your parents can come in and pick it up first thing in the morning.
I would like to thank you for the worst night in my entire life last night.
And don't hold that against my average.
Babe Ruth was no bowler.
"Play me or trade me.
" That wasn't my turf.
Ho! I'm a mudder.
Excellent shirt! "Marty"? "Swa-vay" bowlers.
Lock up your ladies.
It's a contact sport.
Besides, I always wanted to be a "Marty.
" You didn't have to shoot yourself in the foot.
Almost had to shoot Marty.
Yeah, Harry, you missed it.
Half the ladies there were named Burt.
Ended up with breakfast in the I.
H.
O.
P 3:00 A.
M.
in the morning.
But tonight will be different, trust me.
I'm going solo.
These ladies can smell an amateur.
Where's hoffs? In with jenko and a head jockey from downtown.
Sacred heart had another fire yesterday.
Really? Yeah.
Hoffs okay? Yeah.
It was in the girls' John.
The janitor put it out with a fire extinguisher.
Good.
Wouldn't want her to miss the prom.
Hey, penhall, did you go to your prom? Is that a trick question? Hanson, I went to my first prom when I was 11.
You did? Yeah, I did.
I never went to mine.
I guess when I was in high school I never believed it was the last time I was gonna be there.
What do you think we do all day? This is different.
Yeah, we're adults.
Could be worse.
We could be Pyromaniacs.
So women don't set fires? Our data supports that since the last century there hasn't been enough evidence of fire-setting among women to be named a phenomenon.
You know, this hasn't always been the case, however.
During the 18th and 19th centuries arsonists were often servant girls who set fire to their masters' houses.
It was generally assumed that they were suffering from the anxiety of menstruation the fear of pregnancy, the depression of puberty Et cetera, et cetera.
Hoffs: I'm sorry, Mr.
young, but at $2,000 a semester sacred heart academy doesn't have a lot of servant girls.
Jenk, man, I am lost.
I don't know whether I should be looking for someone on the inside or the outside.
Let's start on the inside.
I mean, if this was a professional job sacred heart school would already be an insurance claim by now.
I'll get the department to put a guy on the inside at night.
You keep working days, darling.
We assume that whoever's starting these fires is on the scene and possibly running a risk of getting caught in the fire.
Maybe they want to get caught.
Maybe.
There was something like an "heroic victim" syndrome.
Apparently these women would stage a bizarre fire usually on their own property where they would appear sometimes fantastically dressed for the occasion as part of the drama The heroic victim dying in a fire.
How about a prom? Hi.
Is anybody sitting here? No.
I said no one was sitting there.
There is now Doug penhall.
Yours? You know, we're going to remember this.
And you're gonna laugh about the first time I sat down next to you and you said get lost.
I haven't told you to get lost.
I was taking figurative license with the poetry of the moment.
Get lost! Good.
Now I won't have to misquote you.
What are you drinking? I'm not.
Terrific, cheap date! Look, don't torture me.
Why don't you just cut to the end of your rap and let me say no.
Then when I was 17, I joined the merchant marines 'cause I figured med school wasn't doing me any good and that brought me into Bangkok.
Bangkok? That's where I landed the casino in a baccarat game.
So, commodities, no kidding? Yeah, well, actually, it was my brother who had the seat on the Chicago stock exchange.
I played around in flaxseed.
The world's a supermarket and I'm a comparison shopper.
Can I walk you to your car? Well, I came by cab.
Well, can I give you a lift? Oh, well, no offense or anything but, I mean, you know, I don't know you And there are so many weirdos out there these days.
Come on, you could trust a guy with a casino in Singapore.
Okay.
This is my trusty steed.
It's nice.
My Mercedes is in the shop.
I bet.
You like motorcycles? Yeah, I love motorcycles.
Took me two years to pay for this Shut up.
What took you so long? Shut up.
The guy's got a life story full of crud.
You're full of crud! You know that? I'm a police officer.
Sure you are.
Thanks.
Right there, missy! Hanson: Have you found your bride yet, penhall? That's the girl! Where? Right here.
Now there, then Nice teeth.
You should run that through the department.
Hang a red light on it for vice.
She could be a pro.
You told her you were a cop? Among other things, yeah.
Maybe you should have told her that you were a bowler.
Jenko: I don't know about you guys.
Maybe you shouldn't travel alone even when you're off duty.
Girls like this can sniff out an amateur.
Looks like you're my date for the prom.
I hate to disappoint you, gang but it looks like the sock hop at sacred heart is off.
What? Karaman, the guy we had on the inside caught a young lady last night just when it seemed she was about to set fire to the principal's desk.
It's in there.
Jane Kinney? No way! I don't believe it.
Why? I just didn't think she was our girl.
She's kind of nice, actually.
Maybe we can fix her up with penhall.
What do you think, Dougie? It's just a slump.
Relax.
Where are they holding her, jenk? County.
The d.
A.
Hasn't decided if he's gonna charge her as a juvie or as an adult.
Then I want to see her.
If you see her you know it's gonna blow your cover at sacred heart.
Big deal.
They already busted her.
Hoffs: I kind of wanted to go to this prom.
Would've made up for my first one.
Charles Tyrone Cannon.
Say what? The dude that pinned the rose on my dress.
It was a sharp Paris original.
I worked for two summers and saved up at a burger shack for that dress.
Too bad I never even got to show it off.
That's what I thought.
Old Charlie Tyrone couldn't wait to get you out of it, could he? Very funny, jenk.
No! He borrowed his daddy's car, picked me up It ran out of gas.
Then he got drunk threw up all over the backseat and then got lost.
His parents and I found him in the boiler room in the school basement at 4:00 in the morning.
He said he thought it was the boys' John.
But that's okay because he was wearing this really, really embarrassing plaid jacket with two-tone pants and a lavender cummerbund.
I remember those.
What about yours? For five long years I dreamed of going with Linda brown.
Somehow I ended up with Nadine crouch who had to be home by 10:00.
So I spent the rest of the night watching continuous screenings of rebel without a cause and naked alibi, with Gloria grahame and Sterling Hayden.
I was in heaven In my pink-and-black tuxedo.
Of course that's not what I told my buddies.
Of course not.
What the heck are you doing here? I'm a cop, Jane.
What? A cop? That's right.
Well, if I can get busted for setting fires I guess you can be a cop.
So all that stuff about you transferring from sweethome was just a rap? I was put undercover at sacred heart because of the arson.
You know, I'm real surprised it was you.
I mean, I knew you were a little crazy but arson? You think you're surprised? Forget it.
My parents won't even pay my bail.
"Janie has to learn her lesson this time.
" Not too crazy about me.
I've got a sense of humor.
There's nothing nothing funny about trying to burn up a school full of high school kids.
Depends! I didn't do it.
Is that so? Yes, that's so.
Then just what were you doing breaking into the school in the middle of the night? I read a report that said you were caught with an open lighter.
Okay, I'm a lousy thief.
I didn't bring my flashlight.
What I was doing is I was trying to get back that porno tape we saw in health class yesterday.
That was you? Yeah.
Me and Margie, the fink.
Salonus was going to bust me for it and have my parents come in to pick it up this morning.
Are you kidding me? My father still takes me to see Bambi.
I had to do it.
It seemed like the right thing to do at the time.
Either way, I guess I'm not going to the prom.
Guess you're not.
I didn't do it.
Sure looks like you did, Jane.
Yeah, well, how would you feel if your father found out you had a movie like that? I wouldn't have had a movie like that.
What are you, perfect? Of course, you're a cop.
Save it! I'm a person first.
I'll tell you what.
You keep it between us that I'm a cop and I'll stay undercover at sacred to see if I can find out more about this arson thing, okay? Why? 'Cause I know what it's like to miss your prom.
That's not right! I didn't okay that.
That is not our theme! We took a vote, and you weren't here.
I am the head of this prom committee, Tracy, not you.
Since when isn't this a democracy? Oh, come on.
It's a downer.
"The worst night of your life"? It's not a theme.
It's one of Kinney's jokes and she's in jail for trying to burn this place down.
That's why we figured it fit.
You got a better one? Yes, I do.
Can't wait to hear this.
What? Forget it.
No, what? I got to hear it.
Why? So you can ridicule me? You only get to do stuff like this once in your life.
And so, okay, I want to enjoy it.
You can spit on tradition, but I'm not going to.
It's a freakin' dance, Patty.
You know, I had a name for our theme.
Really, Margie, what? I guess it was just stupid.
Maybe not.
What? "Young love never dies.
" But just forget it.
That's not so bad, Margie, really.
Are you kidding? Sounds like one of those romantic novels you keep buying in the supermarket.
"Yes, Todd, I love you.
"But who will run my tobacco plantation "if I elope to Singapore with you? "You, just a lowly karate instructor and me, heiress to all of Manhattan" You know, you make me sick.
Got a date yet, Marge? That was real nice, Tracy.
Big deal.
So she doesn't have a date.
God, this thing's gonna be a disaster anyway with Jane in jail and everything.
Why do you keep bringing Jane into this? She's not even going to be here.
I'm sick of it.
I'm glad she's not going to be here.
She'd just ruin it.
Listen to her.
Does lady Anne have a date yet? Hey, come on.
I don't, you know.
I don't have one.
My whole life, I've only had two and one of them was with my cousin.
I'm not going.
I'm going I don't have a date.
You don't need a date.
You're gorgeous.
I'm fat.
Okay, fellas.
Now be careful with this lady.
She ain't gonna fall for your basic cornball routines.
She may be a felon.
But she is a classy felon.
And in reality she's a lot prettier, believe me.
How would you know? Don't push me on this, Ace.
I was in a slump.
My defenses were down.
It could have happened to anyone.
Here.
It wouldn't have happened to me.
That's right, I forgot.
She probably stopped working the bowling alley.
Too many polyester wallets.
Here.
I'm making catching this lady my life's work.
Have you set a wedding date? I can't even get a date.
Sit tight, you might.
Come in.
Thank you.
Mother, uh Sister salonus? Sit down, captain jenko.
Thank you.
I read officer hoffs' report and I must say I was surprised.
It was very well written.
Well, officer hoffs has very good study habits.
I'm afraid I can't go along with the police department's recommendation of canceling this year's prom.
My girls do so look forward to it, being one of the few luxuries we give them here at the sacred heart academy.
There's a strong possibility, sister that your prom could turn into a bonfire.
I believe that's your part in this, captain To make sure that doesn't happen am I correct? Yes, ma'am, I just feel the risk we're taking outweighs the other considerations.
Captain The sacred heart academy is a private institution.
Like all private institutions we must remain competitive.
I don't think shutting down our annual prom because of a threat of arson would make an appealing item in our brochure, do you? No, ma'am, but a picture of a burning building in the newspaper wouldn't be too cool either If you know what I mean.
You see, sister, in my opinion we're not exactly dealing with miss mental health here.
I'm not interested in your opinions just your assistance.
I'm counting on you and your squad of Whatever you call them That depends.
To keep this year's prom safe.
Thank you, Mr.
jenko.
You're welcome.
Okay.
So that's it? I expect your men to be dressed in the spirit of the occasion.
Yes, ma'am.
No problem.
I'm sure we can get a good deal on a couple of used asbestos tuxedos.
Good day, sister salonus.
Excuse me.
See you.
In a world where hearts are empty Telling you all the things that you can't be Nothing should take away the strength inside you You're the one who said I'd make it By my side, you help me shake it You were right there when no one else would believe in me No one would believe that Finally I can see what is real But not without you Not without you Touching things that now I can feel But not without you Not without you Weather the storm thanks to you, my friend If I should fall, I'd do it all again Not without you Not without you Looking back to the day you found me A little faith was all that you said I need You showed me ways I would have never tried Breaking down the walls of protection Turned me on to a new direction Now I'm seeing myself like never before Yeah Finally I can see what is real Not without you, not without you Touching things that now I can feel Not without you Hello.
Really? I don't think so.
Come on, Margie.
What have you got to lose? I don't want anyone to laugh at me.
No one is going to laugh.
Come on, it's your prom.
You only get one.
I know.
Is he cute? Yeah, in a way.
Yeah, yeah, I guess.
What's he like? Hi, doll.
Buy you a drink? No, thank you.
Strictly business here.
Relax.
I'm a police officer.
I'm an astronaut.
Is this real? Is the pope catholic? A cop? Really? Yeah, somebody's got to do it.
Serve and protect.
Have you seen this girl around? Are you really a cop? Yeah.
Look, have you seen her? She might be with this guy About six foot.
Dark complexion.
Curly hair.
I've never met a cop before.
Congratulations.
Look, I'm on duty here.
When do you get off duty? Can I ask you a question? If I'm free tonight? I got to go to a prom tonight.
A prom? For cops? Well, it's a tough school.
Look You want my phone number? Where the hell have you been these past couple of months? With me.
Good place.
I'll just take this.
Well, them rented shoes hurt too much.
I can't dance in them.
Well, well, well.
Far out.
Looks like we got a Japanese Elvis Presley.
A pimp.
And the Butler.
The budget we got, you're lucky we could afford to rent the pants.
Maybe you should go without the pants.
Tell them you're a poor Butler.
Judith ester! If you don't get that dress on soon, girl I'll come up there and staple it on.
I got the fire department on standby.
But the key word here, amigos, is prevention.
So if and when you spot miss wacko or whoever just waltz them right out of the place.
Dig? That ought to be easy.
We don't even know who we're looking for.
Leave it up to your buddy, iceberg slim.
I understand he's got great instincts when it comes to the ladies.
Right, Mr.
penhall? Hoffs will be your date, Harry.
Lucky miss Kinney gets the Butler.
Casanova, you know who you're with.
The one with the great personality.
Trade you for hoffs.
I don't know if I'd trust you with my great-grandmother.
How do I look? Wow.
Darling, you look sensational.
Save the last dance for me, peaches.
Whatever you do Don't let Elvis drive.
I can make it happen Take your fears away 'Cause I am gonna stay right here I can make it happen, give you back a dream Make you wanna touch the sky Ooh, you're gonna want me I can make it happen What did I do to make you feel this way? Everything is going all right We have it all You can't throw this away If you walk out the door Nothing matters anymore Even though I don't think you should do that.
Come on, man, whose side are you on? What are you, a cop or something? Ease up on me, kid.
It's going to be a long night.
Great prom.
Thank you.
I worked very hard on it.
Thank you for the corsage.
Well, you know It's a prom.
Yeah.
Having a good time? You? Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
You look great.
Oh, um So do you.
Yeah, you think so? Thanks.
Would you like to dance? Oh, no.
I just I kind of like standing here.
Me, too.
They're having a lot of fun out there, aren't they? Yeah.
See anything interesting? Yeah, you.
Why, thank you, sir.
Do you ever go bowling? What? Bowling? You ever go bowling? Oh, bowling.
Yeah, I went last week.
I think I bowled a 243, but it was my first time so I don't know if that's good or not.
Really? Yeah.
Yeah.
Seriously? Penhall: Who the hell is that? Hoffs: That is your date.
My date? Of course.
And you guys didn't think I still had it, huh? Hi.
Good evening.
Doug penhall.
Margaret saunters.
The pleasure is all mine.
Yeah, okay.
How about we go dance? Don't touch me.
I'm only trying to Penhall: Get back, get back.
Get away from her.
Get away from her.
Penhall? You okay? Ioki and hanson are still in there.
They're inside on the right.
Another slammerino.
You know, I didn't think it was possible but this prom was even worse than the one with Charles Tyrone Cannon throwing up in the back seat of his father's Cadillac.
Yeah.
Makes me not miss missing my prom so much.
I don't know, I liked it.
Who could ever forget something like this? I got stood up by a lady Dracula and your date's out there bowling away like some kind of certified kingpin.
I feel sorry for people like that.
Me, too.
If my kid ever wants to grow up to be a bowler Straight to reform school.
No, penhall.
I mean Margie.
It was her prom, too.
Yeah, I guess it was.
Okay.
Can I get anybody anything to drink? Beer.
Another slammerino.
Your date.
Hi.
Where did ioki go for the beers? Tokyo? Freeze.