30 Rock s04e10 Episode Script
Black Light Attack!
Good show tonight, Mr.
Jordan.
Hey, Kenneth.
Why aren't your teeth glowing in the black light? You'll have to ask the fellow who whittled them for me.
It's her, isn't it? I don't kiss and tell, Jack.
Ah, because you're a gentleman, Danny.
It's good to finally have another one of us around here.
I'm just happy to be here.
A month ago, I was doing a robot act on the street, so I know my place.
I want to be T.
G.
S.
's Steve Nash, Come down from Canada, work hard, make the black guy look good.
Did you just make a sports reference? Do you know how little of that I get here? Look at me in the black light! It's Tron! Watch out, Sark, It's me, Flynn! Ar Light bike.
Good job tonight, Danny.
Robot Lorenzo Lamas was funny.
As was Robot Ryan Seacrest and David Hasselbot.
Hey, it's the writing.
It's really not.
So now that Danny's here, you actually come to the after parties? It's nice to have another man around for once.
Oh, there are other men Oh, boy.
It's not what you think! It's something I need to wear to support my breasts! Lemon, I have season tickets to every sports team in New York, so close to the action, you feel like you're sitting in front of an H.
D.
Television.
And they're wasted on you and your coworkers.
Why won't they put me on the Jumbotron? I've been doing cool stuff all game.
Whoo! But my biggest problem with Quidditch is if the snitch is 150 points, why does anyone bother with the quaffle? Hey, Jeter! Are you jealous? I'm with my new boyfriend! And now that Danny's here, I have someone to do guy stuff with.
Have actual male conversations.
You know, he confided in me that he's got a little something going with one of the girls here.
Maybe it's that Russian dancer with the tattoos.
Which is the crazy sex trifecta.
That girl has a name, Jack.
We call her "Skankovich".
I'm sure you disapprove.
But the workplace is a hierarchy, and Danny is a star.
All the pretty, little things down here always want to be with the people up here.
Whatever, as long as he's discreet about it.
It's a younger man's game, Lemon.
But I can't say that I don't miss it.
You'd be in your office late at night, and the new girl would come in with some flimsy excuse to be there.
"Oh, Mr.
Donaghy, I forgot to give you the factory worker death rates.
" Then, she'd laugh at your lame joke.
A touch on the arm.
And you'd take your reward.
You'd take your reward.
How drunk are you? A lot to very.
Boy, that robot body paint does not wash off.
Is it the body paint? Or is Danny just glowing like a beacon of manly camaraderie? Oh, God.
I'm extremely drunk.
Oh, my Hey, we've got to get Danny out by 5:00 today.
I guess Jack's taking him to the Knicks game.
Liz, I can't do girls' lunch today.
We've never done that.
Because I have an audition for Gossip Girl.
Oh, I love that show.
I play Tartine Gramercy.
An heiress to a vermouth fortune and a freshman at N.
Y.
U.
Really? A college freshman? That's right.
In the scene they gave me, I'm fighting with my mother, a washed-up actress who's clinging to her last scraps of faded glamour.
Uh-huh.
It's interesting they've highlighted the mother's lines.
Well, that's so I'll know what part not to read.
As if the word "mother" didn't tip me off already.
Wish me luck.
We really should have said something.
What happens when she gets there and finds out she's the mom? Oh, Pete, that's later.
Maybe we'll be dead by then.
Oh, that'd be great.
Sue, you're probably wondering why we asked you to join the entourage.
Well, over the years, I've had a complicated relationship with women.
From my treatment of the dancers here to my remarks about Madeleine Albright at the 1996 White House Correspondents' Dinner.
What? It's true! She does look like one of those! Now that Mr.
Jordan is having a daughter, he wants to learn to give all women the respect they deserve.
Even you foreigners.
That's why I'm adding a daughter to the entourage family.
Now what's on the schedule for today? from his trip to Greece.
I think I'm going to go ahead and cancel that.
Okay, I'll reschedule.
Again.
I'll get the car.
Hey, hang on.
No, I don't think we should go to a strip club.
It just doesn't feel right.
I think we should let the new member choose an activity.
I like to go to Tasti D-Lite.
I said we're not going to a strip club.
Pinkberry? What don't you understand? I don't want to take you to a strip club! Oh, come on, you hoser! Hoser! So what did you do after the party the other night? Well, my, uh, work friend and I went to her office.
Ooh, she has an office.
Hey, is it that chick lawyer who does the sexual harassment presentation? Because she's asking for it.
Okay, no more guesses, continue.
All right, so we're getting into it, and she takes off her glasses.
Real sexy.
Nice.
But she never takes off her shoes, which I kind of like.
Even though the reason is she's never let a man see her feet.
What? And she's kind of a tease.
Mostly we just kiss, and then, she makes me go down to the deli to get her a sandwich.
So we haven't gone too far.
But under that dress, I can tell she's wearing some weird underwear.
I want to see it.
They're called "Spanx".
Hello.
Jenna, thanks so much for coming in.
This is Archeria, She'll be reading with you.
Hi.
Hi.
Okay, Tartine has just discovered videos of her boyfriend on her mother's online sex diary.
Mother, is there something I don't know about you and Wainwright? What are you doing? Sorry, let's start over.
Mother, is there something I don't Jenna, you're reading the wrong lines.
What do you mean? I'm not playing the mo You wanted to see me? Close the door, Lemon.
So we haven't talked about your personal life lately.
Anything new going on there? No, same old nothing.
Nothing, really? That's too bad.
'Cause you know what I always say.
Black light attack! What? Oh, boy.
That stuff does not wash off.
You and Danny? I would have guessed anyone else.
Jenna, Sue All right, come on.
How is this possible? Well, I don't know if you know this, Jack, but the workplace is a hierarchy.
And I'm Danny's boss.
Sometimes, all the pretty little things down here want to be with the people up here.
And they come into your office late one night with some flimsy excuse.
Hey, Liz.
I just want to show you this new iPhone app.
You shake it and it sounds like an empty can.
Huh? My favorite "apps" are the ones before my entree.
Oh, my God.
That is the funniest thing I've ever heard.
So what are you up to right now? And I took my reward.
Lemon, you need to end this now.
What? No.
Jack, you were just talking about how you miss office hook-ups.
That is a double standard.
Calm down.
No, I won't calm down.
Women are allowed to get angrier than men about double standards.
It's not about that.
Yes, I've had office relationships in the past.
But always with people that I could transfer to another city or introduce to Nicolas Sarkozy.
Danny is on your show.
Yeah, but it's not serious.
It's not serious yet.
End it before it starts affecting the show.
Ugh, fine.
I'll talk to him when he gets in.
What did he do to the back of your knees? A lady never tells.
Hey, blondie.
You like Italian ice? Hey, watch your mouth! She's only 34 years old! K What's wrong with me? First, I don't want to go to strip clubs.
And then I get angry at that hilarious dude that said something awesome.
There's nothing wrong with you, sir.
It's just, you're treating Sue like family now.
It makes you feel protective of her.
But I'm not like that with my sons.
When they were little, I threw them in the deep end of our pool.
To help them get over their fear of sharks.
Well, it's different with girls.
You want to protect them from the world.
I'm proud of you, sir.
It's like a whole, new part of your heart has opened up.
Thank God.
'Cause the doctors keep telling me it's pretty clogged.
The mother.
They wanted me to play the mother.
Oh, boy, okay, here we go.
Hey, Pete! Jenna just got the A mother? I'm not a mother.
Would a mother be planning a sex tour of Vietnam this spring? Okay, just Look, you're a beautiful woman.
But you can't play prom queens and murdered runaways forever.
But those were my majors at the Royal Tampa Academy of Dramatic Tricks.
You can try to fight getting older.
You can be like Madonna, and cling to youth with you Gollum arms.
Or you can be like Meryl Streep and embrace your age with elegance.
So you're saying it's a choice.
Between the dignity of middle age and the illusion of youth.
Two paths.
Meryl Streep.
Or Madonna.
Very well, I will emulate my acting inspiration.
A woman of profound poise, whose career is what we all aspire to.
Okay, this build-up is making me nervous.
A woman whose feminine grace and normal outfits are an inspiration.
Just say who it is and I'll feel better.
Someone whose very name stands for enduring beauty and the wonder of womanhood.
Please don't say Madonna.
Hey, Danny.
Hey, Liz.
Look, I know we're supposed to pre-tape that Robot V Wade cold open tonight, But Jack said I can skip it and go to the Rangers game with him.
Yeah, sure, you can go.
But, um, we have to talk.
Okay.
Richard, would you excuse us, please? What's up? Meet me in my office in five minutes.
Well, just let me change.
Mmm No, That won't be necessary, officer.
What are you happy about? Did we get cancelled? Can't a girl just be happy? Oh, no, Jenna.
Don't do this.
Hang on, I'm just tweeting that I ran into you.
This is so tandem.
"Random", Jenna.
Those kids are saying the word "random".
Ow! Come on, you guys, stop it! Turn it off, Frank.
What's going on? What are you doing to Cerie? Frank downloaded this high-pitched tone that can only be heard by young ears.
They use it in Japan to keep kids from loitering outside of convenience stores.
Cerie's the only one who can hear it.
The rest of us are too old.
Oh, not me! I can hear it! Ugh, my ears are, like, dying! Ah, Facebook! Um, I already turned it off.
I also have this low-frequency tone that can only be heard by people over 40.
Have you started playing it yet? Ah.
Lemon, can I speak with you for a moment? What is happening to me? Danny and I were supposed to have lunch today.
Why didn't he show up? I don't know, maybe he had something better to do.
Well, I had a Porterhouse for Two alone.
I am very angry and sleepy.
This is from Danny's CHiPs costume.
What is it doing here? Officer, what's going on up there? It's an accident.
A really bad one.
This badge is a symbol of dignity, honor, and dramatized 1970s inter-ethnic California daytime motorcycle highway justice.
I'm sorry, Jack.
I changed my mind.
I'm trying to look out for the show here, Lemon.
Yeah, I don't think you are.
While stuck in a pile-up on the Pacific Coast Highway earlier, I realized something.
You take Danny away from work whenever you want to hang out.
I don't think this is about the show.
I think you have some sort of problem with the fact that Danny is with me.
For four years, I've had to make do with what passes for men in this place.
With their untucked shirts, boneless faces, their Stars, both Wars and Trek.
I needed a man around here, and I finally have one.
No, I finally have one.
Liz Lemon has a handsome, goof-around, make-out buddy.
And that's the problem.
Danny can't be my alpha-male wingman and his boss' little "scrump nugget".
They're incompatible.
Well, then, I guess it's on.
May the best man win.
Oh, he will.
Hey, where are you going? It's board game night.
Out.
Out? With whom? This guy, Doug.
Well, does Doug have a last name? Okay, everybody, let's just You can't make me stay here.
You are a part of this entourage.
I didn't ask to be in this entourage! Look, I know you didn't mean that.
I do mean it.
I'm not like you! I'll never be like you! And now, I'm at the point where I love just kissing.
We kiss for an hour and it's totally enough for me.
Uh-huh, this is good guy talk.
She has really thin lips, but she makes up for it with tongue girth.
Okay, maybe we just watch the game.
Forget about girls for a night.
Whoo! You know, my little cuddle baby loves to watch figure skating, and I'm really starting to get into that.
And now, turning to women's health.
Our latest women's information on women's sexuality finds female libido does tend to peak in those years just before peri-menopause.
What scientists and doctors like myself are calling their Dirty 30s.
Women are also looking at the latest I've got to go, Jack.
What? You're leaving? It's only zero-zero.
I'll talk to you in the morning.
Liz Lemon.
That was a low blow last night, Lemon.
What can I say, Jack? I guess I'm getting a second wind here at the tail end of my "dirty 30s".
This whole week has been such a bummer.
Hey, when did we add this Grizzly Adams sketch? I wrote it last night.
Late.
The shirt should be filthier.
If you were a man, you would have to register yourself as a sex criminal.
I'm taking Danny back.
Oh, good luck with that.
And remember, if it doesn't work out, there's always Lutz.
# Forever young # # I want to be forever young # Jenna, stop it.
Ow.
Look, you claim that you want to be happy.
But that's never going to happen until you are honest about who you are.
That's easy for you to say.
I've built my career on a certain image.
And you have no idea what I go through to maintain it.
The workouts, the lotions, pretending I wasn't fourth runner-up at the Miss Teen Bicentennial Pageant.
Hm, that's And you don't understand the fear I live with.
The fear of people ever seeing the real me.
Yes, I do.
We all have secrets.
You know that I have something I've been hiding from the world for 20 years.
What are you talking about? If you come out as your real age, I will reveal my friend, Tom.
You would do that for me? How long would it take? Well, if I do nothing, he'll be here within 48 hours.
Ow.
Good morning, Li Oh, my God.
I'd like you all to meet Tom.
Tom Selleck.
He's my moustache.
Thank you, Liz.
It's funny.
All my "a-ha" moments end with a moustache pressed against me.
There you are! Your Kenneth and I were worried sick about you! I think Doug put something in my drink, and I don't remember That's not important anymore.
I want to talk to you about our fight the other night.
Look, having a girl in your life is different.
You want to protect her.
And the best that you can hope for is that, someday, a nice man will come and take her from you.
That's it.
Hey, Sue.
I need you in the writers' room.
Here he is now.
I knew this day would come.
I just didn't think it would be so soon.
You take good care of her.
# Forever young # # I want to be forever young # # Do you really want to live forever # # Forever and ever # # Forever young # # I want to be forever young # I don't know if I can go through this with a real daughter.
Yes, you can.
I know that was hard, but I bet you wouldn't give up this week with Ms.
LaRoche Vanderhoot for anything.
No, I wouldn't.
Not for a billion doll hairs.
I'm sorry, did you say, "doll hairs"? Yeah, they're not worth nothing.
You could probably sell them to a doll company and get maybe $40,000 for them.
Danny.
Danny, I know.
I know Liz is your secret work girlfriend.
Ah, I wanted to tell you.
But she thought we should be discreet.
I mean, we're just having fun.
I know.
But you need to end it now.
What? Why? I never told anyone this.
And that's why, if you ask people about it, they won't know what you're talking about.
Because it's a secret.
Not because it's a lie.
Okay, I understand.
Good, now here's my secret.
My secret is I'm in love with Liz Lemon.
What? It's true.
It was love at first sight.
I ache for her sexually.
How could I not? I'm entranced by those mud-colored eyes, set back in that skin.
And her laugh.
Her walk.
That splay-footed walk.
And that whole situation.
Right there.
And Oh Moustache.
Good God, Lemon.
Jack, I had no idea.
I mean, the last thing I want to do is screw up our friendship.
Me and Liz? I'll end it today.
You'd do that for me? Whoa! Yeah, I think I'll be okay.
Ugh! Oh, Mother.
I can't believe you're dying of old age.
Don't cry for me, Tartine.
I've had a full life.
Oh, the things I've seen.
The first Clinton administration.
The Nagano Olympics.
Microsoft Windows '95.
But I'm 41 now.
Time to die.
And cut! So Danny says that he and I can't hook up anymore.
And I am taking him to the fight at the Garden tomorrow night.
I guess the best man won.
Uh-huh, well, the reason that he gave me was that someone else here is in love with me.
It was my only move, Lemon.
And it was hard, believe me.
What did you say you loved about me? Did you talk about my body? Did you say how you like to watch me dance? Yeah.
You like that? You're embarrassing yourself, Lemon.
It started out as a joke, but it's becoming real.
I don't care! I'm having a good time! Go, Lutz.
Go, Lutz.
Go, Lutz.
Go, Lutz.
Go, Lutz.
Go, Lutz.
Go, Lutz.
Go, Lutz.
Go, Lutz.
Go, Lutz.
Go, Lutz.
Go, Lutz.
Go, Lutz.
Go, Lutz.
Go to work, Lutz!
Jordan.
Hey, Kenneth.
Why aren't your teeth glowing in the black light? You'll have to ask the fellow who whittled them for me.
It's her, isn't it? I don't kiss and tell, Jack.
Ah, because you're a gentleman, Danny.
It's good to finally have another one of us around here.
I'm just happy to be here.
A month ago, I was doing a robot act on the street, so I know my place.
I want to be T.
G.
S.
's Steve Nash, Come down from Canada, work hard, make the black guy look good.
Did you just make a sports reference? Do you know how little of that I get here? Look at me in the black light! It's Tron! Watch out, Sark, It's me, Flynn! Ar Light bike.
Good job tonight, Danny.
Robot Lorenzo Lamas was funny.
As was Robot Ryan Seacrest and David Hasselbot.
Hey, it's the writing.
It's really not.
So now that Danny's here, you actually come to the after parties? It's nice to have another man around for once.
Oh, there are other men Oh, boy.
It's not what you think! It's something I need to wear to support my breasts! Lemon, I have season tickets to every sports team in New York, so close to the action, you feel like you're sitting in front of an H.
D.
Television.
And they're wasted on you and your coworkers.
Why won't they put me on the Jumbotron? I've been doing cool stuff all game.
Whoo! But my biggest problem with Quidditch is if the snitch is 150 points, why does anyone bother with the quaffle? Hey, Jeter! Are you jealous? I'm with my new boyfriend! And now that Danny's here, I have someone to do guy stuff with.
Have actual male conversations.
You know, he confided in me that he's got a little something going with one of the girls here.
Maybe it's that Russian dancer with the tattoos.
Which is the crazy sex trifecta.
That girl has a name, Jack.
We call her "Skankovich".
I'm sure you disapprove.
But the workplace is a hierarchy, and Danny is a star.
All the pretty, little things down here always want to be with the people up here.
Whatever, as long as he's discreet about it.
It's a younger man's game, Lemon.
But I can't say that I don't miss it.
You'd be in your office late at night, and the new girl would come in with some flimsy excuse to be there.
"Oh, Mr.
Donaghy, I forgot to give you the factory worker death rates.
" Then, she'd laugh at your lame joke.
A touch on the arm.
And you'd take your reward.
You'd take your reward.
How drunk are you? A lot to very.
Boy, that robot body paint does not wash off.
Is it the body paint? Or is Danny just glowing like a beacon of manly camaraderie? Oh, God.
I'm extremely drunk.
Oh, my Hey, we've got to get Danny out by 5:00 today.
I guess Jack's taking him to the Knicks game.
Liz, I can't do girls' lunch today.
We've never done that.
Because I have an audition for Gossip Girl.
Oh, I love that show.
I play Tartine Gramercy.
An heiress to a vermouth fortune and a freshman at N.
Y.
U.
Really? A college freshman? That's right.
In the scene they gave me, I'm fighting with my mother, a washed-up actress who's clinging to her last scraps of faded glamour.
Uh-huh.
It's interesting they've highlighted the mother's lines.
Well, that's so I'll know what part not to read.
As if the word "mother" didn't tip me off already.
Wish me luck.
We really should have said something.
What happens when she gets there and finds out she's the mom? Oh, Pete, that's later.
Maybe we'll be dead by then.
Oh, that'd be great.
Sue, you're probably wondering why we asked you to join the entourage.
Well, over the years, I've had a complicated relationship with women.
From my treatment of the dancers here to my remarks about Madeleine Albright at the 1996 White House Correspondents' Dinner.
What? It's true! She does look like one of those! Now that Mr.
Jordan is having a daughter, he wants to learn to give all women the respect they deserve.
Even you foreigners.
That's why I'm adding a daughter to the entourage family.
Now what's on the schedule for today? from his trip to Greece.
I think I'm going to go ahead and cancel that.
Okay, I'll reschedule.
Again.
I'll get the car.
Hey, hang on.
No, I don't think we should go to a strip club.
It just doesn't feel right.
I think we should let the new member choose an activity.
I like to go to Tasti D-Lite.
I said we're not going to a strip club.
Pinkberry? What don't you understand? I don't want to take you to a strip club! Oh, come on, you hoser! Hoser! So what did you do after the party the other night? Well, my, uh, work friend and I went to her office.
Ooh, she has an office.
Hey, is it that chick lawyer who does the sexual harassment presentation? Because she's asking for it.
Okay, no more guesses, continue.
All right, so we're getting into it, and she takes off her glasses.
Real sexy.
Nice.
But she never takes off her shoes, which I kind of like.
Even though the reason is she's never let a man see her feet.
What? And she's kind of a tease.
Mostly we just kiss, and then, she makes me go down to the deli to get her a sandwich.
So we haven't gone too far.
But under that dress, I can tell she's wearing some weird underwear.
I want to see it.
They're called "Spanx".
Hello.
Jenna, thanks so much for coming in.
This is Archeria, She'll be reading with you.
Hi.
Hi.
Okay, Tartine has just discovered videos of her boyfriend on her mother's online sex diary.
Mother, is there something I don't know about you and Wainwright? What are you doing? Sorry, let's start over.
Mother, is there something I don't Jenna, you're reading the wrong lines.
What do you mean? I'm not playing the mo You wanted to see me? Close the door, Lemon.
So we haven't talked about your personal life lately.
Anything new going on there? No, same old nothing.
Nothing, really? That's too bad.
'Cause you know what I always say.
Black light attack! What? Oh, boy.
That stuff does not wash off.
You and Danny? I would have guessed anyone else.
Jenna, Sue All right, come on.
How is this possible? Well, I don't know if you know this, Jack, but the workplace is a hierarchy.
And I'm Danny's boss.
Sometimes, all the pretty little things down here want to be with the people up here.
And they come into your office late one night with some flimsy excuse.
Hey, Liz.
I just want to show you this new iPhone app.
You shake it and it sounds like an empty can.
Huh? My favorite "apps" are the ones before my entree.
Oh, my God.
That is the funniest thing I've ever heard.
So what are you up to right now? And I took my reward.
Lemon, you need to end this now.
What? No.
Jack, you were just talking about how you miss office hook-ups.
That is a double standard.
Calm down.
No, I won't calm down.
Women are allowed to get angrier than men about double standards.
It's not about that.
Yes, I've had office relationships in the past.
But always with people that I could transfer to another city or introduce to Nicolas Sarkozy.
Danny is on your show.
Yeah, but it's not serious.
It's not serious yet.
End it before it starts affecting the show.
Ugh, fine.
I'll talk to him when he gets in.
What did he do to the back of your knees? A lady never tells.
Hey, blondie.
You like Italian ice? Hey, watch your mouth! She's only 34 years old! K What's wrong with me? First, I don't want to go to strip clubs.
And then I get angry at that hilarious dude that said something awesome.
There's nothing wrong with you, sir.
It's just, you're treating Sue like family now.
It makes you feel protective of her.
But I'm not like that with my sons.
When they were little, I threw them in the deep end of our pool.
To help them get over their fear of sharks.
Well, it's different with girls.
You want to protect them from the world.
I'm proud of you, sir.
It's like a whole, new part of your heart has opened up.
Thank God.
'Cause the doctors keep telling me it's pretty clogged.
The mother.
They wanted me to play the mother.
Oh, boy, okay, here we go.
Hey, Pete! Jenna just got the A mother? I'm not a mother.
Would a mother be planning a sex tour of Vietnam this spring? Okay, just Look, you're a beautiful woman.
But you can't play prom queens and murdered runaways forever.
But those were my majors at the Royal Tampa Academy of Dramatic Tricks.
You can try to fight getting older.
You can be like Madonna, and cling to youth with you Gollum arms.
Or you can be like Meryl Streep and embrace your age with elegance.
So you're saying it's a choice.
Between the dignity of middle age and the illusion of youth.
Two paths.
Meryl Streep.
Or Madonna.
Very well, I will emulate my acting inspiration.
A woman of profound poise, whose career is what we all aspire to.
Okay, this build-up is making me nervous.
A woman whose feminine grace and normal outfits are an inspiration.
Just say who it is and I'll feel better.
Someone whose very name stands for enduring beauty and the wonder of womanhood.
Please don't say Madonna.
Hey, Danny.
Hey, Liz.
Look, I know we're supposed to pre-tape that Robot V Wade cold open tonight, But Jack said I can skip it and go to the Rangers game with him.
Yeah, sure, you can go.
But, um, we have to talk.
Okay.
Richard, would you excuse us, please? What's up? Meet me in my office in five minutes.
Well, just let me change.
Mmm No, That won't be necessary, officer.
What are you happy about? Did we get cancelled? Can't a girl just be happy? Oh, no, Jenna.
Don't do this.
Hang on, I'm just tweeting that I ran into you.
This is so tandem.
"Random", Jenna.
Those kids are saying the word "random".
Ow! Come on, you guys, stop it! Turn it off, Frank.
What's going on? What are you doing to Cerie? Frank downloaded this high-pitched tone that can only be heard by young ears.
They use it in Japan to keep kids from loitering outside of convenience stores.
Cerie's the only one who can hear it.
The rest of us are too old.
Oh, not me! I can hear it! Ugh, my ears are, like, dying! Ah, Facebook! Um, I already turned it off.
I also have this low-frequency tone that can only be heard by people over 40.
Have you started playing it yet? Ah.
Lemon, can I speak with you for a moment? What is happening to me? Danny and I were supposed to have lunch today.
Why didn't he show up? I don't know, maybe he had something better to do.
Well, I had a Porterhouse for Two alone.
I am very angry and sleepy.
This is from Danny's CHiPs costume.
What is it doing here? Officer, what's going on up there? It's an accident.
A really bad one.
This badge is a symbol of dignity, honor, and dramatized 1970s inter-ethnic California daytime motorcycle highway justice.
I'm sorry, Jack.
I changed my mind.
I'm trying to look out for the show here, Lemon.
Yeah, I don't think you are.
While stuck in a pile-up on the Pacific Coast Highway earlier, I realized something.
You take Danny away from work whenever you want to hang out.
I don't think this is about the show.
I think you have some sort of problem with the fact that Danny is with me.
For four years, I've had to make do with what passes for men in this place.
With their untucked shirts, boneless faces, their Stars, both Wars and Trek.
I needed a man around here, and I finally have one.
No, I finally have one.
Liz Lemon has a handsome, goof-around, make-out buddy.
And that's the problem.
Danny can't be my alpha-male wingman and his boss' little "scrump nugget".
They're incompatible.
Well, then, I guess it's on.
May the best man win.
Oh, he will.
Hey, where are you going? It's board game night.
Out.
Out? With whom? This guy, Doug.
Well, does Doug have a last name? Okay, everybody, let's just You can't make me stay here.
You are a part of this entourage.
I didn't ask to be in this entourage! Look, I know you didn't mean that.
I do mean it.
I'm not like you! I'll never be like you! And now, I'm at the point where I love just kissing.
We kiss for an hour and it's totally enough for me.
Uh-huh, this is good guy talk.
She has really thin lips, but she makes up for it with tongue girth.
Okay, maybe we just watch the game.
Forget about girls for a night.
Whoo! You know, my little cuddle baby loves to watch figure skating, and I'm really starting to get into that.
And now, turning to women's health.
Our latest women's information on women's sexuality finds female libido does tend to peak in those years just before peri-menopause.
What scientists and doctors like myself are calling their Dirty 30s.
Women are also looking at the latest I've got to go, Jack.
What? You're leaving? It's only zero-zero.
I'll talk to you in the morning.
Liz Lemon.
That was a low blow last night, Lemon.
What can I say, Jack? I guess I'm getting a second wind here at the tail end of my "dirty 30s".
This whole week has been such a bummer.
Hey, when did we add this Grizzly Adams sketch? I wrote it last night.
Late.
The shirt should be filthier.
If you were a man, you would have to register yourself as a sex criminal.
I'm taking Danny back.
Oh, good luck with that.
And remember, if it doesn't work out, there's always Lutz.
# Forever young # # I want to be forever young # Jenna, stop it.
Ow.
Look, you claim that you want to be happy.
But that's never going to happen until you are honest about who you are.
That's easy for you to say.
I've built my career on a certain image.
And you have no idea what I go through to maintain it.
The workouts, the lotions, pretending I wasn't fourth runner-up at the Miss Teen Bicentennial Pageant.
Hm, that's And you don't understand the fear I live with.
The fear of people ever seeing the real me.
Yes, I do.
We all have secrets.
You know that I have something I've been hiding from the world for 20 years.
What are you talking about? If you come out as your real age, I will reveal my friend, Tom.
You would do that for me? How long would it take? Well, if I do nothing, he'll be here within 48 hours.
Ow.
Good morning, Li Oh, my God.
I'd like you all to meet Tom.
Tom Selleck.
He's my moustache.
Thank you, Liz.
It's funny.
All my "a-ha" moments end with a moustache pressed against me.
There you are! Your Kenneth and I were worried sick about you! I think Doug put something in my drink, and I don't remember That's not important anymore.
I want to talk to you about our fight the other night.
Look, having a girl in your life is different.
You want to protect her.
And the best that you can hope for is that, someday, a nice man will come and take her from you.
That's it.
Hey, Sue.
I need you in the writers' room.
Here he is now.
I knew this day would come.
I just didn't think it would be so soon.
You take good care of her.
# Forever young # # I want to be forever young # # Do you really want to live forever # # Forever and ever # # Forever young # # I want to be forever young # I don't know if I can go through this with a real daughter.
Yes, you can.
I know that was hard, but I bet you wouldn't give up this week with Ms.
LaRoche Vanderhoot for anything.
No, I wouldn't.
Not for a billion doll hairs.
I'm sorry, did you say, "doll hairs"? Yeah, they're not worth nothing.
You could probably sell them to a doll company and get maybe $40,000 for them.
Danny.
Danny, I know.
I know Liz is your secret work girlfriend.
Ah, I wanted to tell you.
But she thought we should be discreet.
I mean, we're just having fun.
I know.
But you need to end it now.
What? Why? I never told anyone this.
And that's why, if you ask people about it, they won't know what you're talking about.
Because it's a secret.
Not because it's a lie.
Okay, I understand.
Good, now here's my secret.
My secret is I'm in love with Liz Lemon.
What? It's true.
It was love at first sight.
I ache for her sexually.
How could I not? I'm entranced by those mud-colored eyes, set back in that skin.
And her laugh.
Her walk.
That splay-footed walk.
And that whole situation.
Right there.
And Oh Moustache.
Good God, Lemon.
Jack, I had no idea.
I mean, the last thing I want to do is screw up our friendship.
Me and Liz? I'll end it today.
You'd do that for me? Whoa! Yeah, I think I'll be okay.
Ugh! Oh, Mother.
I can't believe you're dying of old age.
Don't cry for me, Tartine.
I've had a full life.
Oh, the things I've seen.
The first Clinton administration.
The Nagano Olympics.
Microsoft Windows '95.
But I'm 41 now.
Time to die.
And cut! So Danny says that he and I can't hook up anymore.
And I am taking him to the fight at the Garden tomorrow night.
I guess the best man won.
Uh-huh, well, the reason that he gave me was that someone else here is in love with me.
It was my only move, Lemon.
And it was hard, believe me.
What did you say you loved about me? Did you talk about my body? Did you say how you like to watch me dance? Yeah.
You like that? You're embarrassing yourself, Lemon.
It started out as a joke, but it's becoming real.
I don't care! I'm having a good time! Go, Lutz.
Go, Lutz.
Go, Lutz.
Go, Lutz.
Go, Lutz.
Go, Lutz.
Go, Lutz.
Go, Lutz.
Go, Lutz.
Go, Lutz.
Go, Lutz.
Go, Lutz.
Go, Lutz.
Go, Lutz.
Go to work, Lutz!