30 Rock s07e07 Episode Script

Mazel Tov, Dummies!

I don't want to look.
Hey, come on.
This is a win-win.
If it's positive, awesome.
We're having a baby.
I want to name it Frisbee.
If it's negative, awesome.
We're not going to fight about the name Frisbee, and we get disco fries for breakfast, 'cause we're sad.
I bet it's me.
All those years trying to get on America's funniest home videos.
It's just not fair.
I mean, that guy gets a baby? What kind of idiot gives a little kid orange soda? Hey, dummies.
- Hey, Dennis.
- Hey, buddy.
Why do you have a baby? Is this a scam? I don't need any scams.
I got a brand new business selling suicide insurance, and it's going great.
And this baby? This is my adopted son.
Obviously he's going to be an athlete, so I only gotta save up for, like, one year of college.
Wait, they let you adopt a baby? If by "they," you mean those guys or whatever, yeah, they let me and my wife adopt a baby.
You remember Megan Duffy? Maiden name Duffy Hopefully no relation.
I recognize you two.
Did we have a four-way? No, St.
Paddy's Day, remember, honey? Wait, it is? Yeah, we decided to adopt 'cause Megan's real career oriented right now, didn't want to wreck her boobs.
Couple months later, boom.
We got Black Dennis.
His name is Black Dennis? That is racist.
Yeah, right, Liz.
The guy with the black son is racist.
Later days, dummies.
coming through.
This is the new normal.
S07 Ep07 - Mazel Tov, Dummies! Tray, have you read any of these movie scripts yet? Yeah, I read the one about a handsome genius who lied to two idiots about reading scripts.
You've got to choose the next project for your company, "dammit I'll pick a name later dotcom productions.
" You have pitch meetings all morning.
Okay, it's almost 11:00.
Please send in my 8:00.
While on holiday in Tuscany, a middle-aged divorcee falls in love with a lazy pervert who's into hats.
In a world with too much freedom, one young man dared to be different.
"Hitler, colon, the boy who dreamed of stars.
" It's a Harriet Tubman biopic, entitled the Moses of Maryland I'll buy it.
Sorry, I was talking on my Bluetooth to a guy at the octopus auction.
I hate your idea.
Tracy, NBC Universal has acquired the film rights to the YouTube clip, "Man loses pants on trampoline.
" How would you like to be the voice of gaboing, the evil wizard who would take jumping away from jumpland? Thank you for coming in.
Running a movie studio is exhausting.
I need a nap.
Dotcom, tell us your most interesting story.
Sorry, Tray.
The next item on the agenda is your insurance physical.
Great.
Worst day ever.
I mean, my name has been on adoption lists for years.
But Dennis Duffy gets a baby because he's married? It's idiotic.
You know who else was married? Ted Bundy.
- I don't think so, Liz.
- Really? So handsome.
Is he still alive? The point is, anyone can get married.
What, all of a sudden you're a better parent because you signed a piece of paper? Yeah, we're as committed to each other as any married couple.
We live together, we love each other.
I ignore it when you eat popsicles by biting them with your teeth, which is insane I love popsicles.
We might as well be married, so So let's do it.
Let's get married, like every other idiot on Earth.
Me need a piece of paper to know how to feel.
Der, Liz marry Criss? - Doy.
- Er.
Ey Wait, was that a yes? Are we getting married? Yeah, let's do this.
We get a license today, get married tomorrow.
Blammo.
Engaged.
Top gun style.
Thank you.
Jenna Maroney, you are my slave.
What? But the sheik who won me in that poker game was beheaded.
No, do you remember in 1994, you made a commercial for Surge cola? For 100 surge points, I got these shades.
Yeah? For 500 surge points, I got this leather jacket.
I can beat that.
For a million points, he got me.
Surge.
Suck it down.
I remember that.
My boyfriend was supposed to pick me up after that shoot, so I called him, and I was like, "O.
J.
, where are you?" And he was like, "wait, you're alive? Then who did I kill?" For 17 years, I've been buying up old cases of surge cola, and now I have one million surge points.
And that means I own you.
Hey, Jack.
Do I look positively glowing? Well, you do have the wind-battered face of a New England cod fisherman, if that's what you're asking.
No, I'm getting married.
Jeez.
Lemon, that is wonderful.
To Criss, right? This isn't one of those Internet marriage scams where they prey on the elderly? Yes, to Criss.
Then wonderful.
No, but the wedding is not a deal.
I mean, it's just a My God, this is the best hug I've ever had.
I know.
Anyway, it's just a formality, for if we want to adopt.
We're going down to city hall tomorrow.
It's no big whoop.
But it should be a very big whoop.
Lemon, this is your special day.
Plan a real wedding.
I'll get Tony Bennett to sing.
I saved his life in an illegal pai gow game once.
He owes me a favor.
And you can wear that wedding dress that you bought No, I can't.
I got rid of that after hurricane Irene.
I had forgotten to stock up on toilet paper, but I had remembered to stock up on seven layer dip I got it.
You know, I just don't care about this stuff.
I don't want a "special day.
" I don't want to be a princess.
But Lemon, you were a little girl once.
Didn't you dream about your wedding? In my own way.
Sol Rosenbear and I would like to thank everyone for coming to our destination wedding here on the love boat.
Unfortunately, Sol has discovered my previous relationship with gopher, so he will be seeking an annulment once we reach Puerto Vallarta.
I realized a long time ago that weddings aren't about love.
They're just a giant industry that preys on gender stereotypes to make adult women spend a ton of money and act like selfish children.
I mean, have you seen Wedding bitches on Bravo? Maybe there's not going to be a wedding.
You're ruining my special day.
Ma, what the are you wearing? I remember when Bravo used to air operas.
I reject the wedding industry's phallocentric fairy tale grotesquerie.
So tomorrow, Liz Lemon is getting married in a sweatshirt, no bra.
For God's sakes, Lemon, don't take a stand about your own wedding.
Think about that kid you're trying to adopt.
What will you tell him if he asks to see pictures? I will tell her or it that I took an amazing stand against the wedding industrial complex.
We are registered at Popcorn Palace.
All right.
Now that I've finished with my handwriting sample for the FBI, let's look at your test results.
This is puzzling, Tracy.
There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with you at all.
What? I guess we've replaced so much of you over the years that you're maybe not you anymore, but you're healthy.
No, this isn't happening.
This is good news.
No, it's not.
I always assumed I'd die young, because, you know, I look so much like James Dean.
And that gave me the freedom to live without consequences.
That's why I'm always breaking the law, buying exotic sharks, forgetting to feed them, and then trying to hug them.
I couldn't do cool stuff like that if I knew I'd be alive for How many years, Dr.
Spaceman? I'm sorry.
Look, I'm not happy about this, either.
The money I've made off your health problems has put me almost all the way through medical school.
I'm going to have to start living like there's a tomorrow.
Open an I.
R.
A.
Brush my teeth.
Drink eight glasses a day of that stuff.
You know, clear bathtub juice? Tracy, I'm afraid I don't have a pamphlet to help you get through this.
But I do have a pamphlet that has a bunch of drawings of vaginas.
I'll take it.
To make a long story short, I need to be let out of my TGS contract.
I'm moving to Arizona to be with my new slave master, Terry, to live in a birdcage he built.
Why don't you both have a seat? You may sit.
Now, Terry, I suspect you know it's illegal for someone to own another human being.
Fine, but according to the contest rules.
Either I collect my prize, or her equivalent cash value.
I see.
So you'd be just as happy with the money.
Terry, is this true? I've done the math, and taking into account Jenna's salary and earning potential, I've calculated that she's worth $800,000.
Let's say Jenna was worth that in her prime.
That was ten years ago.
She has certainly depreciated since then.
Jenna is becoming more unemployable by the moment.
And thanks to decades of partying, Jenna's internal organs will get you nothing on the black market.
She's an emotional train wreck.
Daddy, why are you doing this? A seventh grade education, hepatitis D, bullet in jaw, fatwa, credit card debt, wanted by the Yakuza Jenna Maroney is worth $2,000.
Fine.
In Arizona, two grand will buy me a castle and a pillowcase full of meth.
Make it out to "Doomsday Enterprises.
" Goodbye, bitey.
Well, I guess I need to read all of these scripts to determine which one has the greatest probability of succeeding in this ever changing global marketplace.
I used to only say stuff like that in my white nerd voice.
Jeez, I feel like we're at a Deli.
Deli? Save it for the honeymoon.
Okay, you take our paperwork to the clerk, because black women love you.
I see you over there, you little gumdrop.
Don't hide from Shanice.
I'll get us some witnesses, and then we'll get married, and magically become amazing parents, just like the Hiltons.
Here he comes.
I'll give you a bath in the sink, like a baby.
Excuse me, what number are you guys? Would you be able to stay and be our witnesses? You really didn't invite anyone to your wedding? No, I mean, who cares, right? We're at City Hall.
You guys are wearing mets T-shirts.
Yeah, 'cause we were wearing them when we first Met.
My God, you're beautiful.
This is the greatest day of my life.
Now, let me guess.
You guys are dressed like that 'cause you met at a laundromat after you both ran out of clean clothes.
No, it's 'cause this is just a piece of paper.
That's us! That's our number! Come on, our number.
You okay? Yeah, you know, I just thought there'd be more people here in gym clothes carrying bags full of toilet paper.
Look, we don't have to do it this way.
You know, I always imagined getting married right when they take your picture on splash mountain.
But weddings are about the bride, so if you want your special day I don't need a special day.
You know, the first wedding I ever went to, I was a flower girl for my Aunt Linda.
When they said, "you may now kiss the bride," I did my first ever eye roll.
And today, I honor that little girl's eye roll with this masterpiece.
That's how much Liz Lemon cares about having a special day.
Great, 'cause I forgot my birth certificate.
Are you kidding me, Chros? And even though Shanice said she'd let it slide if I sat on her hand, What? Liz Lemon, I haven't seen anything in the news about attitudes towards marriage changing forever because of one brave woman.
Is everything okay? Everything's fine.
I emailed Tony Bennett, just in case you came to your senses.
He's singing at the White House, but will cancel for me.
Also, I told him you're Italian, so he might call you "Tina.
" Okay, so we'll take another number, I'll get some witnesses, you'll get your birth certificate.
It's not wedding stress.
I'm no more annoyed right now than I was when you got that haircut without consulting me.
Yeah.
You can walk away from me all day, you little tiger cub.
I work at the marriage bureau, but I'll never get married.
Sir, we have a big problem.
I didn't want anyone to see me like this, she lied.
Jenna, when I said what you were worth, that was a negotiation tactic.
$2,000, Jack? I've stolen more than that from my cleaning lady's purse.
In this market, $2,000 is more than respectable.
I mean, look at Kenneth.
He's worth $5, tops.
I'm going to hold you to that, sir.
Is that supposed to make me feel better? Everyone around here is human garbage.
Okay, well, then, look at me.
If you're past your prime, then so am I.
I've been divorced twice.
I'm at an age where I no longer need erectile softeners.
I'm number two at an American television company, with no possibility of promotion.
I'll probably die in this job.
I've already had one heart attack.
I used to be a young man with promise.
I coined the phrase, "you wish, pal.
" But now, I'm sitting here trying to cheer up a $2,000 actress, because a janitor said I hurt her feelings, so God.
I'm worth less than you.
Thank you, Jack.
What are you doing? Why did you change your clothes? Well, this is what I was wearing when we met in riverside Park.
Remember, you said, "nice turtleneck.
" No, I said "Nice turtleneck.
" And thank you again.
Great, so now you're more dressed up than I am at my own wedding, but whatever.
I got witnesses.
These guys were in the park, either fighting or having sex.
Okay, well, I thought it might be nice to have a witness we actually know.
Of course, it had to be someone with nothing to do on a Wednesday afternoon No, no, no.
You didn't.
Mazel tov, dummies.
You're Jewish, right, Liz? My God.
What is wrong with you? You forgot your birth certificate, you invited Dennis.
If you can't take this seriously, maybe there's not going to be a wedding.
Okay, is this a big deal or not? I don't know.
It's not the most important day of my life.
Getting my show picked up, or meeting you, or the time I got a sleeve of starburst with all pink, those were all more important days.
So you're yelling at me because Because I'm Liz Lemon.
My parents spent the money they saved up for my wedding on a P.
T.
cruiser.
I have been sure for a long time that this was never going to happen, and I was fine with it.
Ergo, it couldn't matter.
"Ergo.
" Affleck's finally going to get that Oscar.
And I'm still 90% right.
It's stupid.
It doesn't matter.
Guess what? You wasted a lot of money on that dress.
Actually, it was my grandmother's.
She made it out of parachute silk while hiding from the Germans.
Shut up.
And then you came along, and now we're doing this, and a tiny little part of me that I hate wants to be a princess.
Liz, it's okay to be a human woman.
No, it's not.
It's the worst, because of society.
I mean, why do you watch Wedding bitches in the first place? And why did I find this hidden under your underwear ball? Sol Rosenbear.
He never got enough time in his garden before he passed.
I want today to be special.
God, do you have any idea how hard it was to get you to admit that? "I forgot my birth certificate.
" "Let's invite Dennis.
" You were playing me.
"I'll wear my stupid turtleneck.
" Wait, you think it's stupid? We're going to get married today, but we're going to do it right.
We need rings and flowers, and I'm going to put on deodorant, and you're going to wear a suit that makes you look like a little marzipan candy man.
So let's go, people.
It's my special day.
The Moses of Maryland.
Page one.
Interior Maryland slave shack, the year 18" Tracy.
Tracy.
Tracy, it's me, Harriet Tubman.
Harriet? What is this place? Don't you know? It's your mind.
We aren't so different, you and I.
You grew up in the Bronx.
I grew up interior Maryland slave shack, the year 18.
And while I dreamed of becoming the first woman to surf around the world Really? Is that what you think I did? I only read the first page of the script.
Use context clues.
Whatever.
I'm dead now.
No, Tracy.
You're not dead.
I told you, we're in your mind.
Why else would Harriet Tubman look and sound like your boss, Jim Dennison Come on.
You know that's wrong.
Wait a minute.
If this is my mind, I should be able to control you.
No, no, that only works in dreams.
Eat a corn on the cob, and make it sexy.
Great, so I'm not dead.
I'm going to have to keep on living forever now.
No, my homie.
I can say that, because I'm you.
It doesn't matter if you're healthy.
At any moment, you could still get hit by a cab just crossing the street.
Right.
So there's still many ways I could die.
I could fall into a manhole, or I could forget my chimpanzee's birthday.
It's time to go now.
Time to go back to being Tracy Jordan.
Wake up.
My God, Tracy.
Are you okay? I almost died.
I've never been better.
Okay, good, 'cause I'm kind of in a rush.
I'm getting married.
Liz Lemon is getting married today.
Liz Lemon's getting married? Harry Truman was right.
Anything's possible.
What a world I'm fine.
Go get married.
Okay.
The next project is going to be toofer's Harriet Tubman movie.
Are you sure, Tray? It's pretty boring.
I read it in the bath on one of my Grizz days.
It's perfect.
'Cause it's the most irresponsible choice I can make.
A super expensive period piece starring a middle aged woman.
No one's going to want to see it.
And I'm probably not going to be alive when it comes out.
Now let's go buy a blimp to scout locations.
It's about time, Lemon.
Whatever, just get down to city hall.
It's 30 minutes away.
I'll be there in 10.
Navy, gray, maroon, gray Am I depressed? Later.
You'll do quite nicely.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Black Dennis, start the car.
What? It's the only white dress I own.
But your hair.
I'm a princess.
And will you be exchanging rings? Tito was a drug dealer the police shot in the face.
In Riverside Park, where we first met.
It's perfect.
Do you take this lady as your wife? - I do.
- Do you take this man I do.
"'But you see, ' said roark quietly, 'I've chosen the work I want to do.
'And I can find joy only if I do my work in the best way possible to me.
'" By the authority vested in me by the state of New York, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
My lip is caught on the grill.
Lemon, earlier today, I took a hard look at where life has led me, and I didn't like what I saw.
But now, looking at you, I realize That anything's possible? You know, I'm attractive.
I've got cheekbones, and a pair you can do something with.
I'm just saying, from a grateful nation, thank you, Liz Lemon.
There's hope for us all.
Black Dennis got some cop's gun.