8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s05e00 Episode Script
Christmas Special
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Sean Lock, Jon Richardson, Kathy Burke, David Baddiel, Alex Horne and the Horne Section, Susie Dent, and Rachel Riley! Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to the 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown Festive Special, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know for example, Christmas is a time when we use words and phrases we never use the rest of the year, like "mistletoe," "egg nog," and "Don't worry about Nan, she doesn't mean it, "she was just brought up in a different time".
200,000 trees are cut down every year to make Christmas cards, which is why so many of them feature homeless robins.
And the word "mistletoe" means "dung on a twig," whilst "camel toe" means your leggings are too tight.
Right let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Over the years Sean's been described as "hilarious", "side-splitting", and "innocent due to diminished responsibility".
And joining Sean tonight, it's Kathy Burke! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Kathy, recently appeared on a Gogglebox celebrity special, sitting around on a sofa getting pissed, shouting at the telly.
And then Gogglebox rang and asked her to do a celebrity special.
Up against them this evening, it's Jon Richardson! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes, Jon Richardson.
Hilarious, brilliant and confident are all nine-letter words Jon might get tonight.
Did you just count up the letters in all those words? I'm still working on it.
Biting my tongue long enough about the fact that a robin is a hedge-dwelling bird and not a tree dweller, but LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And joining Jon tonight, it's David Baddiel! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE David's just released his first children's book, The Parent Agency, about a nine-year-old who wants to swap his parents for more interesting people.
Apparently David got the idea from his nine-year-old.
No, that's true, I did.
But I did get, I got a review for that kids book on a kids site, right, and a kid said, "This is the best book I've ever read in my life.
" And I thought, "Well, that sounds good," but he was nine.
It's a really short life, isn't it? That's like an assessment based on very limited experience.
It's like Nigel Farage saying, "That's the best reggae I've ever heard," isn't it? I would say as well if you've been on children's forums checking reviews for your book, just in general I would delete your internet history.
That seems like pretty good advice.
David, you've performed stand-up comedy at Wembley Arena.
I believe you were the first comedian - ever to perform at Wembley Arena.
How was that? - It was good, although people say that Sean Lock was the first comedian to perform Well, I believe he was cos he was your support act, so, technically - No, he wasn't.
- I was, yeah.
- No, you weren't.
This is a comedy myth that Sean was our support, but he was in sketches, so he actually didn't come on till about the middle of the show.
- But people think it's true now.
- Let me double check.
Sean, is that true that you were the first person? Yes, I was first, yeah.
LAUGHTER What I liked about the story was that some journalist concocted it and it was fed back to me, it said, "You were the first.
" And it's quite a good bit of publicity so I just went, "Yeah!" So I went along with it for years.
And then it became the truth.
That's how history's written.
It's like People just think it's true, like, it's the idea that that actually is your hair colour.
LAUGHTER AND GASPS Dave's hair is like before and yours is after.
Just For Men.
Sean, what are your hopes and dreams for 2015? One of the things I would like to happen next year is that I'd like them to convert all the Wetherspoons back into their original purpose - either banks, libraries, post offices Cos I think they'd have more atmosphere And also I think personally I'd like to I'd like to be more in tune with other people's feelings so that I can pinpoint their weaknesses and go for them more effectively when I need them.
- Excellent.
- It's a lovely sentiment, isn't it? - Excellent plan for 2015.
Jon, earlier this year you were voted The Sun's "kookiest crush.
" Yes.
I've been in a few of those polls, and the word is different each year.
It's like "nerd crush," "geek crush," "crush I'd rather kill myself than admit to in public.
" "Kooky" is actually the one I hate the most cos kooky is how you describe people who think a hat is the same as a personality.
I've always thought of you as kooky.
Yeah, Kooky Jon, it's what we call you.
People shout it at you.
"Kooky Jon!" - Jimmy? - Yeah.
- You'll know this is true cos I've probably told you, but I was once voted, in 2006, the world's sixth sexiest Jew.
I was.
And I was very flattered till I discovered the number five slot had gone to Sir Alan Sugar.
It's true.
Number five went to Sir Alan Sugar.
It was a UK poll.
I don't think the UK public have heard of that many Jews.
I think number seven might have been Hitler.
Jon, what else can you do? You're very good at Countdown.
What else can you do in 30 seconds? LAUGHTER Not that, actually.
LAUGHTER I reckon I could count to 100 in 30 seconds.
Right, OK.
It's not much of a challenge but let's I mean, we've got plenty of time, why not? Really, this is going to happen? I don't know if you've just switched over from the Formula 1, but strap in because this is wild! Can I just check in with our Maths expert? - Rachel, are there numbers up to 100? - Yeah.
- OK, good.
LAUGHTER Are you ready, Jon? Your time starts now.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 78, 77, 76, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85 END OF ROUND JINGLE .
.
86, 87, 88, 99, 100! CROWD "AWWS" SEAN BOOS APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH Really fucking embarrassed about how seriously I took that.
I really wanted that in a way that I hate about myself.
When this show ends I'm going to try that again upstairs.
That's the pathetic truth that is my existence.
If you're watching at home and you're lonely .
.
maybe you could count to 100 in 30 seconds.
Kathy, you've played Countdown before.
Do you think you can do better this time? - I'm not saying you did badly last time.
- Well, we won last time.
You can't do any better than winning, can you? - So we won last time.
- And she won with me, so that's quite an achievement.
You say that, but I think, yeah.
- You basically won on your own but Sean was there.
- He was there.
- It's like you've won the Grand National on a penguin.
- Yeah.
Kathy, if you had to describe your opponents this evening in three words, what would you choose? Grey.
Beardy.
And kooky.
LAUGHTER Grey and beardy doesn't mind but kooky's livid.
I thought I was beardy and kooky, was I, or was I just kooky? - You've got a little bit of grey at the top there.
- What the f? LAUGHTER Jimmy can help you with that.
I think it's going to be fine.
Doesn't go away itself.
I can imagine you coming out of the sales, you know, Black Friday, whatever, they had all the fights, you just punching people in the face with a big box of Just For Men, going, "Get off!" Bang! - David, did you bring a mascot this evening? - I did, actually.
Er, this is it.
This is a picture.
It's really therapy more than it is a mascot, er, but it's a picture of me and my brothers at my primary school at a fancy dress day, and I'll just tell you, my brother there, Ivor, he is the ace of clubs.
My younger brother Dan, he's a detective.
And me, I'm Miss World.
LAUGHTER - You went as Miss World? - I went as Miss World.
It was 1973 so they did look like this, and when I look at this now I don't understand what happened.
OK, so, Jon, have you got a mascot today? It's not so much a mascot as an ongoing incentive.
It's important to have statistics so I've brought along This is how I've got on at games so far this Christmas.
Er, I'll just talk you through some of what's happened here.
Richardson family Christmas, Boggle you can see there, played six, won three, lost three.
Er, strip poker, that was me on my own towards the end.
Sorry, why is there a bag of drugs hanging on your statistics board? This is the sand from the sand timer for Boggle which was broken during an incident over .
.
whether or not the word "berm" existed.
My sister won the argument cos the word "berm" exists, but I won the argument because I broke the game.
If you've got a bit of time, I can actually talk you through Boxing Day as well.
What's that one? Who stayed quietest the longest? Oh, my mum suggested a game of Who Can Stay Quiet The Longest? We played it, I lost, shit game.
So, anyway, I shall be updating this with my Countdown - stats at the end of the day.
- OK, Kathy, have you got a mascot? Erm, well, I don't like Christmas, so I've got that.
"Bah humbug" hat, I'll just put that on, like that.
- Bah humbug.
- Yeah.
A mouse mat.
I thought that was rather Countdown-ish.
Got "Bah humbug" on that as well.
The problem with this Is that Maths? LAUGHTER - I don't know, is it, Rachel? - It's symbols.
- Symbols.
- It's not Maths, no.
- It doesn't mean anything.
- Does it not? - No.
Well, a lot of Maths falls into that category.
Is it not supposed to look like somebody in a Christmas hat - if you turn it to the side? - Is it? Like that? Oh, yes, like a grumpy Santa.
He's got a little bobble on his hat, yeah.
Oh, now I can see it, now I know what it is.
It's a lot more fun than you realised, isn't it? I really had no idea.
Are you not? You're not a big Christmas person? No, I don't like it at all, it's full of shit.
- So what do you do on Christmas? - Nothing.
I don't do nothing.
I don't see no-one, I don't answer the door.
Do you have Christmas dinner, though? No, don't like Christmas dinner, I hate mince pies, I hate Christmas cake, I hate cloves, I hate LAUGHTER .
.
cinnamon, nutmeg, all that shit.
So hang on, your house at Christmas is just you in the nude wandering round not eating turkey? I didn't say anything about being naked! You said, "I don't like clothes.
" - Cloves.
Cloves.
- Oh, cloves! - Oh, cloves! Oh.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Sean, have you got a mascot? - I haven't got a mascot so much, - I've got a solution to a Christmas problem.
- Oh, excellent.
One of the things people fight over is the remote control.
The other, of course, is control of the chocolates.
I've come up with a solution here where one person can dish out chocolates to the various, you know, guests.
Whoa! Oh, sorry.
- It's not very accurate.
- I mean, it still needs a bit of work.
LAUGHTER Wa-a-ay! APPLAUSE I've branded it, there's Quality Street, I've come up with Inequality Street.
Each chocolate has a theme from either the sort of, er, the wealthy side of the street or the sort of poorer, more left wing side.
- What's David eating now? - It's horrible.
David's having a Gary Barlow, which is You know, I've tried to make it as bland a chocolate as possible.
It's actually porridge flavoured chocolate.
That was the blandest chocolate.
Then there's the Danny Dyer chocolate which you can try, which is, er, you think it's going to be hard.
Turns out it's not.
LAUGHTER OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Alex Horne and the Horne Section.
MUSIC, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now, you're genuinely an ex-proper Countdown champion.
Have you got any tips for our players this evening? Well, when I did it, Des O'Connor was in your seat.
Before we started, Des looked at me, I remember, he leaned into me and said, "Alex, no matter what happens tonight" He genuinely said this, he said, "Whatever happens tonight, "if you get an eight-letter word or a seven-letter word or "a nine-letter word or a four-letter word or a six-letter word "or a five-letter word or a three-letter word or a two, "even if you just say one of the letters don't worry about it.
" He said, "Don't worry about it cos at the end of this, "at some point we're all going to die and it doesn't mean anything.
" - Obviously it's Christmas.
- Mm.
I was wondering if you could play us something a bit Christmassy, - the Horne Section? - Yes.
We could sing a carol.
- Oh, terrific, I would love that.
- I've got one of these.
Here we go, this is for you, Jimmy.
PIANO PLAYS "THE FIRST NOEL" # A, B, C, D # E, F, G, H, I # J, K, M, N, O, P # Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z No L, no L.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE With Alex, of course, is Susie Dent! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Of course, late in the afternoon on Christmas Day, Susie's family have to put up with a visit from Nana - or Carol Vorderman, as she prefers to call her.
So, Susie, can I ask, every year, at the end of the year, they do sort of a Word of the Year, and in 2014 it was "photobomb.
" Good choice or not, Susie? You're the expert.
OK, I can see I've been set up here cos I found this under my desk when I came in.
And a little bit earlier I sneaked down to the studio to read the dictionary, as I do.
Erm Genuinely, she's not a lot of fun.
And now I understand why this was left, cos, yes, photobombing.
You might recognise the person LAUGHTER Is that, yeah, I mean, that's - That's the photobomber.
- Nice.
OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Rachel's got a 1st in Quantum Mechanics from Oxford University and now she does the numbers on Countdown.
It's like using the large hadron collider to heat up soup.
Rachel, you hosted a show recently about improving your memory.
Have you got any tips for us on how we could improve our memories? Erm, yeah, so the visual memory's a lot stronger than any other kind of memory, so if you want to remember someone's name, say Jimmy for example - Right.
- You could think of something memorable to you, so I'd go maybe Jimmy Riddle, Cockney rhyming slang, so imagine you having a wee, and then you imagine something really prominent about their face that stands out.
So you look a little bit like a vampire - So you could picture - I'm not sure we can all agree on that! So you could be dressed up as a vampire having a wee, and then I'd remember your name.
I think what you're having there is a sexual fantasy.
It doesn't work with everyone cos Kathy Burke, Burke's a really rude word in Cockney rhyming slang, - so you shouldn't go there.
- Is it? - Berkeley Hunt.
- Oh, is that what it's from? - Yeah.
JON: And what does that rhyme with? OK, Rachel, you recently hosted a show about improving your memory.
Have you got any tips on how we could improve our memories? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, tonight, the prize the teams will be competing for is this.
His and hers Countdown swimwear.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What an incredible arse on that bloke.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Jon and David, you get the first pick of the letters.
- OK, vowel please, Rachel.
- Thank you, David.
Start with O Er, consonant.
S And another consonant.
G And a vowel.
E And a consonant.
J And another consonant.
S Ooh.
And a vowel.
Another O.
- I never understand what to do in this bit.
- Yeah, it's coming across.
Consonant.
C - What should I do now? - I think start again.
- Erm, I don't know, consonant.
- Yeah.
- Last one.
N And so for the very first time today, here is the Countdown clock.
(Rachel) LAUGHTER LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH APPLAUSE - What have you got? - Well, I've got a shit four-letter word now cos you were chucking things at me! So you got four letters.
Jon, what have you got? - Er, let's try an 8.
- Oh! - Er, Sean, what have you got? - 6.
- Kathy? - 5.
OK, David, let's hear your four-letter word that you've managed to write down.
JOGS.
Kathy, your 5? Quite Christmassy.
GOOSE.
GOOSE.
Er, Sean, your 6? - GOOSES.
- Oh! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Jon, your 8? It's the most festive word of all, it's how you measure a good Christmas pudding.
- Oh, right.
- By its GOOJNESS.
- Yes, GOOJNESS.
- G-O-O-J-N-E-S-S.
Erm, if it was there, it would be just above GOOK, which is a sloppy wet substance, and GOOLIES.
Er, and it's not.
You don't want to get in between those two.
- It's a wonder it isn't there.
- It's not there, sorry, Jon.
GOOSES, on the other hand, is.
OK, well, six points to Sean.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's go over to Dictionary Corner and see what they could have had.
Alex, Susie, what could they have done? I found, er, I found JEEZOS for Christmas, erm, but during it Susie wrote down COJONES.
But is that not Spanish? Is that fine? Er, it is.
A man's testicles.
Or guts.
OK, so at the end of that, Sean and Kathy are in the lead with 6.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Onto our first numbers round.
- OK, Sean and Kathy, your turn to pick the numbers.
- OK.
- Oh, here we go.
- Kathy? - Oh, I hate this bit.
I can't be bothered with this, sorry, Rachel.
You've got your symbols and everything.
No, I know, Rachel, but I really can't be bothered.
One from the top and four as you fancy.
- Do you want another one? - Five then, all right.
LAUGHTER Right, they are 5, 8, 1, 3, 4, and the big one, 50.
And the target OK, and your time starts now.
97, 98, 99, 100! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I did it! - How did you do? - I think I've got it.
- David, have you got it? No, of course not.
759.
- Kathy, what have you got? - Erm, 810.
- Sean? - 779½.
- OK.
- No, I got nowhere near it.
- OK, then.
Jon, how did you do it? Er, 50 + 8 over 4 OK, could you pause a bit more as you're saying this, - almost as if you're making it up as you go along(?) - 52.
Er, multiplied by 5 x 3.
Yeah, x 5 x 3, 15, for 780.
And take away the 1.
Well done, 779.
10 points to Jon.
The scores at the moment, Sean and Kathy have 6 points, Jon and David have 10, and here is your teaser.
The words are DATED ELF and the clue is "He went down on me.
" That's DATED ELF, "He went down on me.
" See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were DATED ELF and the clue was, he went down on me.
It was, of course, DEFLATED.
So, Jon and David are in the lead.
OK, time to mix things up a bit, they've been playing in teams, but this game is just for Kathy and Jon.
So Kathy, it's your turn to choose the letters.
- Oh, hello.
- Hello.
- Vowel, please.
Thank you, Kathy.
E And a vowel, please.
A And a vowel.
E And I'll have a consonant, please.
K Consonant.
D I can never say that word.
Just a little tip, I'd write them down.
Consonant.
P And a vowel.
Another A.
And a consonant.
R See, it's going to be a good'un.
And a vowel, please.
And the last one, O.
OK, your time starts now.
Kathy, what have you got? - Six.
- Jon? - I'll try a seven.
- OK, Kathy, what's your six? - PARKED.
- OK, what's your seven, Jon? - POKERED.
- As in what? - We had a game of poker, we all pokered together.
I'm hoping, but disappointed because it's not in.
There's something wrong with that dictionary you've got over there.
Six points to Kathy.
For that, Kathy deserves another chocolate.
That's a Farage, that is.
On the right side of the street.
That's the Farage chocolates, based on a wartime recipe - disgusting.
Alex, could they have done any better? Well, I got AREACODE for eight, but you need to have a K instead of the C and an extra E and also AREACODE isn't a word.
But otherwise, that's brilliant.
I've put no POKERED, but you could have had PORKED.
I did get PORKED, but out of respect for David, who's Jewish, I didn't say it.
APPLAUSE What does PORKED mean? Sometimes when a mummy and a daddy love each other very much But I don't think that's the one in the dictionary.
No, that one is in the dictionary.
It says vulgar slang.
What's the non slang meaning? There's porking out, you can pork out on You wouldn't, but, you could.
I would, I'm not that Jewish! My girlfriend, she is Mummy Pig in Peppa Pig, which is complicated for a Jewish bloke.
OK, so at the end of that, Jon and David have 10, Sean and Kathy are in the lead with 12.
Time for Sean and David to go head-to-head.
David, your turn to pick the numbers.
Oh, is it numbers? I really hate this.
I'll have two from the top.
- And four little.
- Yes.
Thank you, David.
Right, for this round, the small ones are 3, 1, 2 and 5 and the large ones, 25 and 50 and the target - 425.
Alex, you've got the band with you.
Would you mind getting the horn section to play the countdown music? - Fine.
What style? - Maybe something Christmassy? Fine.
I've got a little frog and sleigh bells.
- OK, so your time starts in - Three, four - Now.
THEY PLAY SILENT NIGH THEY PLAY A CHRISTMAS MEDLEY APPLAUSE So the target was 425.
Sean, what did you get? I got 425.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! David, how did you do? I got 425 as well.
AUDIENCE: Ooh.
I think my "whoo" was slightly more sarcastic.
- How did you do it, David? - Right, OK.
50 x 2 = 100 Well done(!) Then 3 + 1 = 4 4 x 100 + 25 = 425.
Sean, how did you do it? I did 3 + 5 = 8 8 x 50 = 400 400 + 25 = 425 Well done.
Ten points to both teams.
Fine work.
OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Alex, what have you got for us? I've got, cos it's Christmas, quite a sexy modern dance for you.
I'm going to approach you and the trumpeter is going to stand over there.
Wow, OK, what a lovely Christmas treat for us.
OK, I'm starting here.
# When I dance in the hacienda # And the boys they say que soy buena # They all want me they can't have me # So they all come and dance beside me # Move with me, chat with me # And if I like I take you home with me # Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena # Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena # Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena # Hey Macarena # Now don't you worry about my boyfriend # No the boy who's name's Vitorino # I don't want him couldn't stand him # He was no good so I # Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena # Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena # Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena # Hey Macarena # Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena # Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena # Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena Hey Macarena.
APPLAUSE OK, the scores at the moment - Jon and David have 20, Sean and Kathy have 22, they're in the lead.
And here is your teaser.
The words are GRAN FAR and the clue is - smells lovely.
That's GRAN FART, smells lovely.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaserthe words were GRAN FAR and the clue was - smells lovely.
It was of course, FRAGRANT.
OK, before we go on, he doesn't work here anymore, but he's turned up anyway.
So to perform the Christmas Nativity, please welcome Joe Wilkinson.
APPLAUSE RAVE MUSIC PLAYS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Joe, is? Is that your Nativity play? Erm LAUGHTER I'll be honest with you, Jimmy, there's been a couple of fuck-ups.
LAUGHTER For a start, the girls were meant to come on from that side.
LAUGHTER Actually, go on, girls.
Head off.
Go on.
APPLAUSE - Joe, what happened? - I'll tell you what happened, Jimmy I was away and, erm It was left up to my half-brother Fabio to organise everything.
And, as you know, he's a fucking idiot.
For a start, he didn't know what a donkey was.
LAUGHTER And rather than ask, he GUESSED! It's not a donkey, mate, it's a camel! LAUGHTER He didn't know what a manger was, so what did he do? He bought an immersion heater! He didn't know what gold, frankincense and myrrh was, so what did you do? You bought the Family Fortunes board game.
APPLAUSE That's actually when he redeemed himself.
That's an absolutely cracking show, not like this bag of shit.
And then, the bit that annoys you most is Instead of getting a dolly to play the baby Jesus, he hired Pat Sharp.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I really like Countdown, so I was wondering if there's anything I could do on the show? Fuck that, get him out of here.
Not having him ruining Christmas, he does it every year.
GET HIM OUT OF HERE! HE SHOUTS APPLAUSE OK, on with the game.
Jon and David, your turn to choose the letters.
- Do you want to do it this time? - Yes.
Joe, what have you? What have you got there? I've just got to quickly make Susie's Christmas present.
I'm going to quickly carve a statue of myself.
I've got some lager.
Joe, is it? I don't want to be a stickler, but is it a good idea to drink heavily while using a chainsaw? It's fine.
It's Christmas lager, it's just Baileys.
- Carry on.
I've just got to quickly - OK, erm - Vowel.
- No sudden movements.
- I'm intrigued to see whether they let him have an actual chainsaw.
- A.
I can't believe they gave him lager.
LAUGHTER A consonant, please.
This is knackering.
And a vowel, please.
- Argh - U.
A consonant, please.
Let's hope for an S.
LAUGHER - A vowel, please.
- E.
- A consonant, please.
- Christ.
- T.
- You're just going to have to have a bit of wood.
A consonant, please.
- N.
- A vowel, please.
- I.
- And a consonant, please.
And the last oneL.
OK, and your time starts now.
Jon, how many letters? - Seven.
- And you sound very confident.
Well, I mean, I think I've got a nine, but then that's happened - so often that I've just lost all confidence, to be honest.
- Go for it! Imagine how brilliant it'll be when you get it, it'll be incredible.
- I am going to try a nine, then.
- Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And, David, what have you got? I think I've got a seven, but I'm not sure.
- Well, I'm not sure either.
- No.
- I wouldn't risk it with you.
I'm very much basing it on the fact that there was a Spanish word earlier on.
OK, let's definitely go with that.
Kathy, what have you got? I think I've got a seven.
I think.
- Sean, what have you got? - I've got a pissy six.
What's your six? What's your pissy six? - RETAIN.
- Kathy, your seven? - Well, it's a bit embarrassing.
I don't know whether it's a word, whether I spelt it right LAURIET.
- Oh, how are you spelling it? - L-A-U-R-I-E-T? - Oh As in poet LAURIET.
How do you spell that, Susie? Well, the pronunciation is spelt exactly as you have given it.
Are you allowed to spell things phonetically on Countdown or not? It's a Christmas special.
Come on, let's do it.
Don't patronise me, Susie.
Fucking hell.
- David, what was your seven? - It's I'm a bit embarrassed.
It's NATUREL, as in natural in French.
NATUREL, N-A-T-U-R-E-L.
If you could find me AU and put in a hyphen That's a different word.
LAUGHTER Takes the piss, nine points.
Jon, your nine.
Oh, this is going to really upset me because I looked at Susie when I said, "I think I've got a nine," and she nodded as if to say, "There is a nine there," and I think I haven't got it, which is going to piss me off all the more.
But my nine is UNRELIANT.
- Ooh, UNRELIANT.
- Yes.
- If we've got a nine, we'd better go mental.
- I did say - Drumroll, please.
- Just looking.
DRUMROLL Yep.
CYMBAL CRASH APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Take that, Nick Hewer! Take that! Just as good as the proper Countdown.
LAUGHTER I'm not happy about it, but it deserves a double chocolate salute.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That is possibly Doesn't sound like you're going to use it, does it, UNRELIANT? Is it really there or did you just write it in just now? Erm Moving on If that's not real! I don't want to shit on our own chances, but I saw her writing it in.
Susie Dent first discovered she had Munchausen's - Is that a nine-letter word or not? - No, of course it's not! Sean, you get six points.
Sorry, I've got to say, Nick Hewer, I take it back, - your show is better than our show.
- Safe six! Really pleased with the safe six.
"I've got a nine!" - Susie, what could they have had? - Well Sorry, Alex, what could they have had? I'm going to ask someone I can trust.
It's a nice, Christmassy word - INTERNAL.
LAUGHTER OK.
The scores at the moment - Jon and David have 20, - Sean and Kathy have 28.
- Nice.
APPLAUSE OK.
Time to go once again to Dictionary Corner.
Alex, what have you got for us this time? Well, Jimmy, I've got a special guest for you.
Because it's Christmas, we thought we'd bring along a man, a man who's synonymous with Christmas with his little smiley face and his red and white and black outfit, and he's quite He's actually quite a commercial figure, but we love him, I think everyone loves him, so please welcome Henry! It's Henry.
Here he is.
It's Henry.
APPLAUSE Drink it in.
It's charming and chilling as an image.
What he's done, he's prepared a song for you, Henry.
It'syou're not - Sorry.
He's prepared a song for you, Jimmy.
- We do look alike.
LAUGHTER Similar hair, Henry and me.
Jimmy, can I just say also, your laugh, we think it's an F sharp.
Can you do? Have you got it there? HE PLAYS A NOTE It's F sharp.
LAUGHTER # Diddle-diddle-de-de Henry Hoover # Diddle-diddle-de-de Henry Hoover # A short little fat guy always smiling # I Hoover carpets, rugs and tiling # Diddle-diddle-de-de Henry Hoover # Diddle-diddle-de-de Henry Hoover # My enormous nose is less of a nose # It's more of a corrugated dust-sucking hose # Diddle-diddle-de-de dust-sucking hoooose # But if you want a spotless carpet # Stronger cleaners are on the market # Mike Dyson, Dustbuster Douglas # Evander Hooverfield and Electrolux Lewis # Toss up Henry Hoover # Spin me round, I'm quite a mover # Force my nose in your dirty little carpet # I couldn't give a toss, it's quite cathartic # Henry Hoover! Henry Hoover! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And here's your final teaser.
The words are FUN GIFTS and the clue is - you can put it in your bird.
That's FUN GIFTS, you can put it in your bird.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were FUN GIFTS, the clue was - you can put it in your bird.
It was, of course, STUFFING.
OK, on to our final letters game.
- Kathy, Sean, your turn to pick the letters.
- All right.
Rachel, would you like to pull my cracker? LAUGHTER - Sure.
- It's one I made myself, actually.
All my crackers have pictures of wheelie bins on fire.
LAUGHTER Selling them after.
200 quid.
- Can I have a vowel, please? - Sure.
Joe? - No, I can't be arsed.
- I'm on holiday.
- All right.
E Consonant, please.
V Consonant.
M - Another consonant.
- Eurgh P Another consonant, please.
R Vowel, then, please.
I Another vowel, please.
E.
Thanks, Joe.
- Happy to help.
- Another E.
- We'll have another vowel, please.
- Course you will.
Thanks, Joe.
A.
And a consonant.
And the last one L Alex, as it's the last letters game, could you do us some special music for the clock? Well, Richard Whiteley used to actually sing the lyrics - to Countdown over the clock, so I'll sing the original lyrics.
- OK, fine.
- So your time starts in - Three, four! # OK, everyone, the clock's begun - # Let's have lots of fun - Time to make a word! # We believe in you You know what to do - # Make our dreams come true - Time to make a word! # Words have got to be in the dictionary - # Dent is next to me - Time to make a word! # 20 seconds left Now there's slightly less - # Maybe have a guess - Time to make a word! # You can do this, mate, really concentrate - # Try to get an eight - Time to make a word! # Real names not allowed Try to use a vowel # Seven seconds now # I have got a nine-letter word! # But it's a secret now # It's the time for the "Duh-duh, duh-duh, da-da-la-da" bit.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - What have you got, Kathy? - Er, what have I got? One, two, three, four - Seven.
- Seven.
Terrific.
- Sean, what have you got? - Seven.
- Jon? - Eight.
- David? - I think I've got a nine.
- ALL: Ooh! - Well.
Let's not get over-excited! - Sean, what have you got? - I've got PREVAIL.
- You've got PREVAIL.
- Er, are you eating a pork pie? - Easter egg.
Do you want one? An Easter egg? APPLAUSE - Anyone else? - DAVID: Yeah.
This is a good game.
Whoops.
CHEERING Yeah, get 'im, Sean.
Get 'im.
LAUGHTER Damn! Ooh! Oh, King of the World! - Well played, Joe.
Well played.
- I tried to save you, then.
- Really? The footage will show that I leapt in front of that bullet.
- Kathy, your seven.
- Yeah, VAMPIRE.
VAMPIRE.
Excellent work.
Jon, your eight.
Well, we're at an interesting point now, Jimmy, because David and I have declared the same word.
One of us as an eight and one of us as a nine.
LAUGHTER Go on, Jon.
What do you think the word is? - PRIMEVAL.
- That's the word I've got too.
- PRIMEVAL.
- But I thought it had nine letters.
- An extra E in the middle.
Prime-E-val.
LAUGHTER Susie, is that the right spelling of PRIMEVAL? - Yeah, so that eight is brilliant.
- OK.
Eight points for Jon's team.
APPLAUSE OK, so Sean and Kathy have 28.
Jon and David have 28.
That means it is level pegging.
So it's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
LAUGHTER - SEAN: It has - Anti - Anti Antipasti, anti BELL - ANTIBEDSAN.
- LAUGHTER - Start the clock.
- BUZZER - Jon.
- ABSTAINED.
Let's see if you're right.
CHEERING Well done.
So the final scores are - Sean and Kathy have 28, but tonight's winners are Jon and David with 38 points.
- CHEERING - Congratulations, you're now the proud owners of His And Hers Countdown Swimwear.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you watching at home.
We'll be back for a new series in January.
Good night.
Did you know for example, Christmas is a time when we use words and phrases we never use the rest of the year, like "mistletoe," "egg nog," and "Don't worry about Nan, she doesn't mean it, "she was just brought up in a different time".
200,000 trees are cut down every year to make Christmas cards, which is why so many of them feature homeless robins.
And the word "mistletoe" means "dung on a twig," whilst "camel toe" means your leggings are too tight.
Right let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Over the years Sean's been described as "hilarious", "side-splitting", and "innocent due to diminished responsibility".
And joining Sean tonight, it's Kathy Burke! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Kathy, recently appeared on a Gogglebox celebrity special, sitting around on a sofa getting pissed, shouting at the telly.
And then Gogglebox rang and asked her to do a celebrity special.
Up against them this evening, it's Jon Richardson! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes, Jon Richardson.
Hilarious, brilliant and confident are all nine-letter words Jon might get tonight.
Did you just count up the letters in all those words? I'm still working on it.
Biting my tongue long enough about the fact that a robin is a hedge-dwelling bird and not a tree dweller, but LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And joining Jon tonight, it's David Baddiel! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE David's just released his first children's book, The Parent Agency, about a nine-year-old who wants to swap his parents for more interesting people.
Apparently David got the idea from his nine-year-old.
No, that's true, I did.
But I did get, I got a review for that kids book on a kids site, right, and a kid said, "This is the best book I've ever read in my life.
" And I thought, "Well, that sounds good," but he was nine.
It's a really short life, isn't it? That's like an assessment based on very limited experience.
It's like Nigel Farage saying, "That's the best reggae I've ever heard," isn't it? I would say as well if you've been on children's forums checking reviews for your book, just in general I would delete your internet history.
That seems like pretty good advice.
David, you've performed stand-up comedy at Wembley Arena.
I believe you were the first comedian - ever to perform at Wembley Arena.
How was that? - It was good, although people say that Sean Lock was the first comedian to perform Well, I believe he was cos he was your support act, so, technically - No, he wasn't.
- I was, yeah.
- No, you weren't.
This is a comedy myth that Sean was our support, but he was in sketches, so he actually didn't come on till about the middle of the show.
- But people think it's true now.
- Let me double check.
Sean, is that true that you were the first person? Yes, I was first, yeah.
LAUGHTER What I liked about the story was that some journalist concocted it and it was fed back to me, it said, "You were the first.
" And it's quite a good bit of publicity so I just went, "Yeah!" So I went along with it for years.
And then it became the truth.
That's how history's written.
It's like People just think it's true, like, it's the idea that that actually is your hair colour.
LAUGHTER AND GASPS Dave's hair is like before and yours is after.
Just For Men.
Sean, what are your hopes and dreams for 2015? One of the things I would like to happen next year is that I'd like them to convert all the Wetherspoons back into their original purpose - either banks, libraries, post offices Cos I think they'd have more atmosphere And also I think personally I'd like to I'd like to be more in tune with other people's feelings so that I can pinpoint their weaknesses and go for them more effectively when I need them.
- Excellent.
- It's a lovely sentiment, isn't it? - Excellent plan for 2015.
Jon, earlier this year you were voted The Sun's "kookiest crush.
" Yes.
I've been in a few of those polls, and the word is different each year.
It's like "nerd crush," "geek crush," "crush I'd rather kill myself than admit to in public.
" "Kooky" is actually the one I hate the most cos kooky is how you describe people who think a hat is the same as a personality.
I've always thought of you as kooky.
Yeah, Kooky Jon, it's what we call you.
People shout it at you.
"Kooky Jon!" - Jimmy? - Yeah.
- You'll know this is true cos I've probably told you, but I was once voted, in 2006, the world's sixth sexiest Jew.
I was.
And I was very flattered till I discovered the number five slot had gone to Sir Alan Sugar.
It's true.
Number five went to Sir Alan Sugar.
It was a UK poll.
I don't think the UK public have heard of that many Jews.
I think number seven might have been Hitler.
Jon, what else can you do? You're very good at Countdown.
What else can you do in 30 seconds? LAUGHTER Not that, actually.
LAUGHTER I reckon I could count to 100 in 30 seconds.
Right, OK.
It's not much of a challenge but let's I mean, we've got plenty of time, why not? Really, this is going to happen? I don't know if you've just switched over from the Formula 1, but strap in because this is wild! Can I just check in with our Maths expert? - Rachel, are there numbers up to 100? - Yeah.
- OK, good.
LAUGHTER Are you ready, Jon? Your time starts now.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 78, 77, 76, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85 END OF ROUND JINGLE .
.
86, 87, 88, 99, 100! CROWD "AWWS" SEAN BOOS APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH Really fucking embarrassed about how seriously I took that.
I really wanted that in a way that I hate about myself.
When this show ends I'm going to try that again upstairs.
That's the pathetic truth that is my existence.
If you're watching at home and you're lonely .
.
maybe you could count to 100 in 30 seconds.
Kathy, you've played Countdown before.
Do you think you can do better this time? - I'm not saying you did badly last time.
- Well, we won last time.
You can't do any better than winning, can you? - So we won last time.
- And she won with me, so that's quite an achievement.
You say that, but I think, yeah.
- You basically won on your own but Sean was there.
- He was there.
- It's like you've won the Grand National on a penguin.
- Yeah.
Kathy, if you had to describe your opponents this evening in three words, what would you choose? Grey.
Beardy.
And kooky.
LAUGHTER Grey and beardy doesn't mind but kooky's livid.
I thought I was beardy and kooky, was I, or was I just kooky? - You've got a little bit of grey at the top there.
- What the f? LAUGHTER Jimmy can help you with that.
I think it's going to be fine.
Doesn't go away itself.
I can imagine you coming out of the sales, you know, Black Friday, whatever, they had all the fights, you just punching people in the face with a big box of Just For Men, going, "Get off!" Bang! - David, did you bring a mascot this evening? - I did, actually.
Er, this is it.
This is a picture.
It's really therapy more than it is a mascot, er, but it's a picture of me and my brothers at my primary school at a fancy dress day, and I'll just tell you, my brother there, Ivor, he is the ace of clubs.
My younger brother Dan, he's a detective.
And me, I'm Miss World.
LAUGHTER - You went as Miss World? - I went as Miss World.
It was 1973 so they did look like this, and when I look at this now I don't understand what happened.
OK, so, Jon, have you got a mascot today? It's not so much a mascot as an ongoing incentive.
It's important to have statistics so I've brought along This is how I've got on at games so far this Christmas.
Er, I'll just talk you through some of what's happened here.
Richardson family Christmas, Boggle you can see there, played six, won three, lost three.
Er, strip poker, that was me on my own towards the end.
Sorry, why is there a bag of drugs hanging on your statistics board? This is the sand from the sand timer for Boggle which was broken during an incident over .
.
whether or not the word "berm" existed.
My sister won the argument cos the word "berm" exists, but I won the argument because I broke the game.
If you've got a bit of time, I can actually talk you through Boxing Day as well.
What's that one? Who stayed quietest the longest? Oh, my mum suggested a game of Who Can Stay Quiet The Longest? We played it, I lost, shit game.
So, anyway, I shall be updating this with my Countdown - stats at the end of the day.
- OK, Kathy, have you got a mascot? Erm, well, I don't like Christmas, so I've got that.
"Bah humbug" hat, I'll just put that on, like that.
- Bah humbug.
- Yeah.
A mouse mat.
I thought that was rather Countdown-ish.
Got "Bah humbug" on that as well.
The problem with this Is that Maths? LAUGHTER - I don't know, is it, Rachel? - It's symbols.
- Symbols.
- It's not Maths, no.
- It doesn't mean anything.
- Does it not? - No.
Well, a lot of Maths falls into that category.
Is it not supposed to look like somebody in a Christmas hat - if you turn it to the side? - Is it? Like that? Oh, yes, like a grumpy Santa.
He's got a little bobble on his hat, yeah.
Oh, now I can see it, now I know what it is.
It's a lot more fun than you realised, isn't it? I really had no idea.
Are you not? You're not a big Christmas person? No, I don't like it at all, it's full of shit.
- So what do you do on Christmas? - Nothing.
I don't do nothing.
I don't see no-one, I don't answer the door.
Do you have Christmas dinner, though? No, don't like Christmas dinner, I hate mince pies, I hate Christmas cake, I hate cloves, I hate LAUGHTER .
.
cinnamon, nutmeg, all that shit.
So hang on, your house at Christmas is just you in the nude wandering round not eating turkey? I didn't say anything about being naked! You said, "I don't like clothes.
" - Cloves.
Cloves.
- Oh, cloves! - Oh, cloves! Oh.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Sean, have you got a mascot? - I haven't got a mascot so much, - I've got a solution to a Christmas problem.
- Oh, excellent.
One of the things people fight over is the remote control.
The other, of course, is control of the chocolates.
I've come up with a solution here where one person can dish out chocolates to the various, you know, guests.
Whoa! Oh, sorry.
- It's not very accurate.
- I mean, it still needs a bit of work.
LAUGHTER Wa-a-ay! APPLAUSE I've branded it, there's Quality Street, I've come up with Inequality Street.
Each chocolate has a theme from either the sort of, er, the wealthy side of the street or the sort of poorer, more left wing side.
- What's David eating now? - It's horrible.
David's having a Gary Barlow, which is You know, I've tried to make it as bland a chocolate as possible.
It's actually porridge flavoured chocolate.
That was the blandest chocolate.
Then there's the Danny Dyer chocolate which you can try, which is, er, you think it's going to be hard.
Turns out it's not.
LAUGHTER OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Alex Horne and the Horne Section.
MUSIC, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now, you're genuinely an ex-proper Countdown champion.
Have you got any tips for our players this evening? Well, when I did it, Des O'Connor was in your seat.
Before we started, Des looked at me, I remember, he leaned into me and said, "Alex, no matter what happens tonight" He genuinely said this, he said, "Whatever happens tonight, "if you get an eight-letter word or a seven-letter word or "a nine-letter word or a four-letter word or a six-letter word "or a five-letter word or a three-letter word or a two, "even if you just say one of the letters don't worry about it.
" He said, "Don't worry about it cos at the end of this, "at some point we're all going to die and it doesn't mean anything.
" - Obviously it's Christmas.
- Mm.
I was wondering if you could play us something a bit Christmassy, - the Horne Section? - Yes.
We could sing a carol.
- Oh, terrific, I would love that.
- I've got one of these.
Here we go, this is for you, Jimmy.
PIANO PLAYS "THE FIRST NOEL" # A, B, C, D # E, F, G, H, I # J, K, M, N, O, P # Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z No L, no L.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE With Alex, of course, is Susie Dent! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Of course, late in the afternoon on Christmas Day, Susie's family have to put up with a visit from Nana - or Carol Vorderman, as she prefers to call her.
So, Susie, can I ask, every year, at the end of the year, they do sort of a Word of the Year, and in 2014 it was "photobomb.
" Good choice or not, Susie? You're the expert.
OK, I can see I've been set up here cos I found this under my desk when I came in.
And a little bit earlier I sneaked down to the studio to read the dictionary, as I do.
Erm Genuinely, she's not a lot of fun.
And now I understand why this was left, cos, yes, photobombing.
You might recognise the person LAUGHTER Is that, yeah, I mean, that's - That's the photobomber.
- Nice.
OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Rachel's got a 1st in Quantum Mechanics from Oxford University and now she does the numbers on Countdown.
It's like using the large hadron collider to heat up soup.
Rachel, you hosted a show recently about improving your memory.
Have you got any tips for us on how we could improve our memories? Erm, yeah, so the visual memory's a lot stronger than any other kind of memory, so if you want to remember someone's name, say Jimmy for example - Right.
- You could think of something memorable to you, so I'd go maybe Jimmy Riddle, Cockney rhyming slang, so imagine you having a wee, and then you imagine something really prominent about their face that stands out.
So you look a little bit like a vampire - So you could picture - I'm not sure we can all agree on that! So you could be dressed up as a vampire having a wee, and then I'd remember your name.
I think what you're having there is a sexual fantasy.
It doesn't work with everyone cos Kathy Burke, Burke's a really rude word in Cockney rhyming slang, - so you shouldn't go there.
- Is it? - Berkeley Hunt.
- Oh, is that what it's from? - Yeah.
JON: And what does that rhyme with? OK, Rachel, you recently hosted a show about improving your memory.
Have you got any tips on how we could improve our memories? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, tonight, the prize the teams will be competing for is this.
His and hers Countdown swimwear.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What an incredible arse on that bloke.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Jon and David, you get the first pick of the letters.
- OK, vowel please, Rachel.
- Thank you, David.
Start with O Er, consonant.
S And another consonant.
G And a vowel.
E And a consonant.
J And another consonant.
S Ooh.
And a vowel.
Another O.
- I never understand what to do in this bit.
- Yeah, it's coming across.
Consonant.
C - What should I do now? - I think start again.
- Erm, I don't know, consonant.
- Yeah.
- Last one.
N And so for the very first time today, here is the Countdown clock.
(Rachel) LAUGHTER LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH APPLAUSE - What have you got? - Well, I've got a shit four-letter word now cos you were chucking things at me! So you got four letters.
Jon, what have you got? - Er, let's try an 8.
- Oh! - Er, Sean, what have you got? - 6.
- Kathy? - 5.
OK, David, let's hear your four-letter word that you've managed to write down.
JOGS.
Kathy, your 5? Quite Christmassy.
GOOSE.
GOOSE.
Er, Sean, your 6? - GOOSES.
- Oh! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Jon, your 8? It's the most festive word of all, it's how you measure a good Christmas pudding.
- Oh, right.
- By its GOOJNESS.
- Yes, GOOJNESS.
- G-O-O-J-N-E-S-S.
Erm, if it was there, it would be just above GOOK, which is a sloppy wet substance, and GOOLIES.
Er, and it's not.
You don't want to get in between those two.
- It's a wonder it isn't there.
- It's not there, sorry, Jon.
GOOSES, on the other hand, is.
OK, well, six points to Sean.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's go over to Dictionary Corner and see what they could have had.
Alex, Susie, what could they have done? I found, er, I found JEEZOS for Christmas, erm, but during it Susie wrote down COJONES.
But is that not Spanish? Is that fine? Er, it is.
A man's testicles.
Or guts.
OK, so at the end of that, Sean and Kathy are in the lead with 6.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Onto our first numbers round.
- OK, Sean and Kathy, your turn to pick the numbers.
- OK.
- Oh, here we go.
- Kathy? - Oh, I hate this bit.
I can't be bothered with this, sorry, Rachel.
You've got your symbols and everything.
No, I know, Rachel, but I really can't be bothered.
One from the top and four as you fancy.
- Do you want another one? - Five then, all right.
LAUGHTER Right, they are 5, 8, 1, 3, 4, and the big one, 50.
And the target OK, and your time starts now.
97, 98, 99, 100! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I did it! - How did you do? - I think I've got it.
- David, have you got it? No, of course not.
759.
- Kathy, what have you got? - Erm, 810.
- Sean? - 779½.
- OK.
- No, I got nowhere near it.
- OK, then.
Jon, how did you do it? Er, 50 + 8 over 4 OK, could you pause a bit more as you're saying this, - almost as if you're making it up as you go along(?) - 52.
Er, multiplied by 5 x 3.
Yeah, x 5 x 3, 15, for 780.
And take away the 1.
Well done, 779.
10 points to Jon.
The scores at the moment, Sean and Kathy have 6 points, Jon and David have 10, and here is your teaser.
The words are DATED ELF and the clue is "He went down on me.
" That's DATED ELF, "He went down on me.
" See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were DATED ELF and the clue was, he went down on me.
It was, of course, DEFLATED.
So, Jon and David are in the lead.
OK, time to mix things up a bit, they've been playing in teams, but this game is just for Kathy and Jon.
So Kathy, it's your turn to choose the letters.
- Oh, hello.
- Hello.
- Vowel, please.
Thank you, Kathy.
E And a vowel, please.
A And a vowel.
E And I'll have a consonant, please.
K Consonant.
D I can never say that word.
Just a little tip, I'd write them down.
Consonant.
P And a vowel.
Another A.
And a consonant.
R See, it's going to be a good'un.
And a vowel, please.
And the last one, O.
OK, your time starts now.
Kathy, what have you got? - Six.
- Jon? - I'll try a seven.
- OK, Kathy, what's your six? - PARKED.
- OK, what's your seven, Jon? - POKERED.
- As in what? - We had a game of poker, we all pokered together.
I'm hoping, but disappointed because it's not in.
There's something wrong with that dictionary you've got over there.
Six points to Kathy.
For that, Kathy deserves another chocolate.
That's a Farage, that is.
On the right side of the street.
That's the Farage chocolates, based on a wartime recipe - disgusting.
Alex, could they have done any better? Well, I got AREACODE for eight, but you need to have a K instead of the C and an extra E and also AREACODE isn't a word.
But otherwise, that's brilliant.
I've put no POKERED, but you could have had PORKED.
I did get PORKED, but out of respect for David, who's Jewish, I didn't say it.
APPLAUSE What does PORKED mean? Sometimes when a mummy and a daddy love each other very much But I don't think that's the one in the dictionary.
No, that one is in the dictionary.
It says vulgar slang.
What's the non slang meaning? There's porking out, you can pork out on You wouldn't, but, you could.
I would, I'm not that Jewish! My girlfriend, she is Mummy Pig in Peppa Pig, which is complicated for a Jewish bloke.
OK, so at the end of that, Jon and David have 10, Sean and Kathy are in the lead with 12.
Time for Sean and David to go head-to-head.
David, your turn to pick the numbers.
Oh, is it numbers? I really hate this.
I'll have two from the top.
- And four little.
- Yes.
Thank you, David.
Right, for this round, the small ones are 3, 1, 2 and 5 and the large ones, 25 and 50 and the target - 425.
Alex, you've got the band with you.
Would you mind getting the horn section to play the countdown music? - Fine.
What style? - Maybe something Christmassy? Fine.
I've got a little frog and sleigh bells.
- OK, so your time starts in - Three, four - Now.
THEY PLAY SILENT NIGH THEY PLAY A CHRISTMAS MEDLEY APPLAUSE So the target was 425.
Sean, what did you get? I got 425.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! David, how did you do? I got 425 as well.
AUDIENCE: Ooh.
I think my "whoo" was slightly more sarcastic.
- How did you do it, David? - Right, OK.
50 x 2 = 100 Well done(!) Then 3 + 1 = 4 4 x 100 + 25 = 425.
Sean, how did you do it? I did 3 + 5 = 8 8 x 50 = 400 400 + 25 = 425 Well done.
Ten points to both teams.
Fine work.
OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Alex, what have you got for us? I've got, cos it's Christmas, quite a sexy modern dance for you.
I'm going to approach you and the trumpeter is going to stand over there.
Wow, OK, what a lovely Christmas treat for us.
OK, I'm starting here.
# When I dance in the hacienda # And the boys they say que soy buena # They all want me they can't have me # So they all come and dance beside me # Move with me, chat with me # And if I like I take you home with me # Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena # Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena # Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena # Hey Macarena # Now don't you worry about my boyfriend # No the boy who's name's Vitorino # I don't want him couldn't stand him # He was no good so I # Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena # Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena # Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena # Hey Macarena # Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena # Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena # Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena Hey Macarena.
APPLAUSE OK, the scores at the moment - Jon and David have 20, Sean and Kathy have 22, they're in the lead.
And here is your teaser.
The words are GRAN FAR and the clue is - smells lovely.
That's GRAN FART, smells lovely.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaserthe words were GRAN FAR and the clue was - smells lovely.
It was of course, FRAGRANT.
OK, before we go on, he doesn't work here anymore, but he's turned up anyway.
So to perform the Christmas Nativity, please welcome Joe Wilkinson.
APPLAUSE RAVE MUSIC PLAYS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Joe, is? Is that your Nativity play? Erm LAUGHTER I'll be honest with you, Jimmy, there's been a couple of fuck-ups.
LAUGHTER For a start, the girls were meant to come on from that side.
LAUGHTER Actually, go on, girls.
Head off.
Go on.
APPLAUSE - Joe, what happened? - I'll tell you what happened, Jimmy I was away and, erm It was left up to my half-brother Fabio to organise everything.
And, as you know, he's a fucking idiot.
For a start, he didn't know what a donkey was.
LAUGHTER And rather than ask, he GUESSED! It's not a donkey, mate, it's a camel! LAUGHTER He didn't know what a manger was, so what did he do? He bought an immersion heater! He didn't know what gold, frankincense and myrrh was, so what did you do? You bought the Family Fortunes board game.
APPLAUSE That's actually when he redeemed himself.
That's an absolutely cracking show, not like this bag of shit.
And then, the bit that annoys you most is Instead of getting a dolly to play the baby Jesus, he hired Pat Sharp.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I really like Countdown, so I was wondering if there's anything I could do on the show? Fuck that, get him out of here.
Not having him ruining Christmas, he does it every year.
GET HIM OUT OF HERE! HE SHOUTS APPLAUSE OK, on with the game.
Jon and David, your turn to choose the letters.
- Do you want to do it this time? - Yes.
Joe, what have you? What have you got there? I've just got to quickly make Susie's Christmas present.
I'm going to quickly carve a statue of myself.
I've got some lager.
Joe, is it? I don't want to be a stickler, but is it a good idea to drink heavily while using a chainsaw? It's fine.
It's Christmas lager, it's just Baileys.
- Carry on.
I've just got to quickly - OK, erm - Vowel.
- No sudden movements.
- I'm intrigued to see whether they let him have an actual chainsaw.
- A.
I can't believe they gave him lager.
LAUGHTER A consonant, please.
This is knackering.
And a vowel, please.
- Argh - U.
A consonant, please.
Let's hope for an S.
LAUGHER - A vowel, please.
- E.
- A consonant, please.
- Christ.
- T.
- You're just going to have to have a bit of wood.
A consonant, please.
- N.
- A vowel, please.
- I.
- And a consonant, please.
And the last oneL.
OK, and your time starts now.
Jon, how many letters? - Seven.
- And you sound very confident.
Well, I mean, I think I've got a nine, but then that's happened - so often that I've just lost all confidence, to be honest.
- Go for it! Imagine how brilliant it'll be when you get it, it'll be incredible.
- I am going to try a nine, then.
- Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And, David, what have you got? I think I've got a seven, but I'm not sure.
- Well, I'm not sure either.
- No.
- I wouldn't risk it with you.
I'm very much basing it on the fact that there was a Spanish word earlier on.
OK, let's definitely go with that.
Kathy, what have you got? I think I've got a seven.
I think.
- Sean, what have you got? - I've got a pissy six.
What's your six? What's your pissy six? - RETAIN.
- Kathy, your seven? - Well, it's a bit embarrassing.
I don't know whether it's a word, whether I spelt it right LAURIET.
- Oh, how are you spelling it? - L-A-U-R-I-E-T? - Oh As in poet LAURIET.
How do you spell that, Susie? Well, the pronunciation is spelt exactly as you have given it.
Are you allowed to spell things phonetically on Countdown or not? It's a Christmas special.
Come on, let's do it.
Don't patronise me, Susie.
Fucking hell.
- David, what was your seven? - It's I'm a bit embarrassed.
It's NATUREL, as in natural in French.
NATUREL, N-A-T-U-R-E-L.
If you could find me AU and put in a hyphen That's a different word.
LAUGHTER Takes the piss, nine points.
Jon, your nine.
Oh, this is going to really upset me because I looked at Susie when I said, "I think I've got a nine," and she nodded as if to say, "There is a nine there," and I think I haven't got it, which is going to piss me off all the more.
But my nine is UNRELIANT.
- Ooh, UNRELIANT.
- Yes.
- If we've got a nine, we'd better go mental.
- I did say - Drumroll, please.
- Just looking.
DRUMROLL Yep.
CYMBAL CRASH APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Take that, Nick Hewer! Take that! Just as good as the proper Countdown.
LAUGHTER I'm not happy about it, but it deserves a double chocolate salute.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That is possibly Doesn't sound like you're going to use it, does it, UNRELIANT? Is it really there or did you just write it in just now? Erm Moving on If that's not real! I don't want to shit on our own chances, but I saw her writing it in.
Susie Dent first discovered she had Munchausen's - Is that a nine-letter word or not? - No, of course it's not! Sean, you get six points.
Sorry, I've got to say, Nick Hewer, I take it back, - your show is better than our show.
- Safe six! Really pleased with the safe six.
"I've got a nine!" - Susie, what could they have had? - Well Sorry, Alex, what could they have had? I'm going to ask someone I can trust.
It's a nice, Christmassy word - INTERNAL.
LAUGHTER OK.
The scores at the moment - Jon and David have 20, - Sean and Kathy have 28.
- Nice.
APPLAUSE OK.
Time to go once again to Dictionary Corner.
Alex, what have you got for us this time? Well, Jimmy, I've got a special guest for you.
Because it's Christmas, we thought we'd bring along a man, a man who's synonymous with Christmas with his little smiley face and his red and white and black outfit, and he's quite He's actually quite a commercial figure, but we love him, I think everyone loves him, so please welcome Henry! It's Henry.
Here he is.
It's Henry.
APPLAUSE Drink it in.
It's charming and chilling as an image.
What he's done, he's prepared a song for you, Henry.
It'syou're not - Sorry.
He's prepared a song for you, Jimmy.
- We do look alike.
LAUGHTER Similar hair, Henry and me.
Jimmy, can I just say also, your laugh, we think it's an F sharp.
Can you do? Have you got it there? HE PLAYS A NOTE It's F sharp.
LAUGHTER # Diddle-diddle-de-de Henry Hoover # Diddle-diddle-de-de Henry Hoover # A short little fat guy always smiling # I Hoover carpets, rugs and tiling # Diddle-diddle-de-de Henry Hoover # Diddle-diddle-de-de Henry Hoover # My enormous nose is less of a nose # It's more of a corrugated dust-sucking hose # Diddle-diddle-de-de dust-sucking hoooose # But if you want a spotless carpet # Stronger cleaners are on the market # Mike Dyson, Dustbuster Douglas # Evander Hooverfield and Electrolux Lewis # Toss up Henry Hoover # Spin me round, I'm quite a mover # Force my nose in your dirty little carpet # I couldn't give a toss, it's quite cathartic # Henry Hoover! Henry Hoover! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And here's your final teaser.
The words are FUN GIFTS and the clue is - you can put it in your bird.
That's FUN GIFTS, you can put it in your bird.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were FUN GIFTS, the clue was - you can put it in your bird.
It was, of course, STUFFING.
OK, on to our final letters game.
- Kathy, Sean, your turn to pick the letters.
- All right.
Rachel, would you like to pull my cracker? LAUGHTER - Sure.
- It's one I made myself, actually.
All my crackers have pictures of wheelie bins on fire.
LAUGHTER Selling them after.
200 quid.
- Can I have a vowel, please? - Sure.
Joe? - No, I can't be arsed.
- I'm on holiday.
- All right.
E Consonant, please.
V Consonant.
M - Another consonant.
- Eurgh P Another consonant, please.
R Vowel, then, please.
I Another vowel, please.
E.
Thanks, Joe.
- Happy to help.
- Another E.
- We'll have another vowel, please.
- Course you will.
Thanks, Joe.
A.
And a consonant.
And the last one L Alex, as it's the last letters game, could you do us some special music for the clock? Well, Richard Whiteley used to actually sing the lyrics - to Countdown over the clock, so I'll sing the original lyrics.
- OK, fine.
- So your time starts in - Three, four! # OK, everyone, the clock's begun - # Let's have lots of fun - Time to make a word! # We believe in you You know what to do - # Make our dreams come true - Time to make a word! # Words have got to be in the dictionary - # Dent is next to me - Time to make a word! # 20 seconds left Now there's slightly less - # Maybe have a guess - Time to make a word! # You can do this, mate, really concentrate - # Try to get an eight - Time to make a word! # Real names not allowed Try to use a vowel # Seven seconds now # I have got a nine-letter word! # But it's a secret now # It's the time for the "Duh-duh, duh-duh, da-da-la-da" bit.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - What have you got, Kathy? - Er, what have I got? One, two, three, four - Seven.
- Seven.
Terrific.
- Sean, what have you got? - Seven.
- Jon? - Eight.
- David? - I think I've got a nine.
- ALL: Ooh! - Well.
Let's not get over-excited! - Sean, what have you got? - I've got PREVAIL.
- You've got PREVAIL.
- Er, are you eating a pork pie? - Easter egg.
Do you want one? An Easter egg? APPLAUSE - Anyone else? - DAVID: Yeah.
This is a good game.
Whoops.
CHEERING Yeah, get 'im, Sean.
Get 'im.
LAUGHTER Damn! Ooh! Oh, King of the World! - Well played, Joe.
Well played.
- I tried to save you, then.
- Really? The footage will show that I leapt in front of that bullet.
- Kathy, your seven.
- Yeah, VAMPIRE.
VAMPIRE.
Excellent work.
Jon, your eight.
Well, we're at an interesting point now, Jimmy, because David and I have declared the same word.
One of us as an eight and one of us as a nine.
LAUGHTER Go on, Jon.
What do you think the word is? - PRIMEVAL.
- That's the word I've got too.
- PRIMEVAL.
- But I thought it had nine letters.
- An extra E in the middle.
Prime-E-val.
LAUGHTER Susie, is that the right spelling of PRIMEVAL? - Yeah, so that eight is brilliant.
- OK.
Eight points for Jon's team.
APPLAUSE OK, so Sean and Kathy have 28.
Jon and David have 28.
That means it is level pegging.
So it's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
LAUGHTER - SEAN: It has - Anti - Anti Antipasti, anti BELL - ANTIBEDSAN.
- LAUGHTER - Start the clock.
- BUZZER - Jon.
- ABSTAINED.
Let's see if you're right.
CHEERING Well done.
So the final scores are - Sean and Kathy have 28, but tonight's winners are Jon and David with 38 points.
- CHEERING - Congratulations, you're now the proud owners of His And Hers Countdown Swimwear.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you watching at home.
We'll be back for a new series in January.
Good night.