8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s12e03 Episode Script
Jason Manford, Alan Carr, Katherine Ryan, Ivan Brackenbury
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Jon Richardson, Alan Carr, Jason Manford, Katherine Ryan, Ivan Brackenbury, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
Now, welcome your host Jimmy Carr! Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, the word microphobia means the fear of small objects? Fortunately, my girlfriend doesn't have it.
Defenestration is the act of throwing something out of a window and can be used as an answer to the question, "What shall I do with Susie Dent's new book?" And one of the early contributors to the Oxford English Dictionary cut off his own penis in a fit of madness.
I don't know if he got the sack or if it was just the penis.
Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up is Jon Richardson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jon is currently travelling the UK with his new tour where he's been delighting audiences nationwide with his generous money-back policy.
- No refunds so far.
- Yep.
- So the joke's on you.
- Keep the money.
That's the best review I've had so far.
Couldn't be arsed to talk to him to get my money back.
Did you hear that laugh over there? It was like Brian Blessed.
- Ha-ha-ha! - I don't think I'm in a position - to take the piss out of anyone's laugh.
- Oh, yeah.
- Gayer than mine.
- How can you have a gay laugh? HE GIGGLES Oh, blimey! I walked into that.
HE LAUGHS And Jon's team-mate Jason Manford.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jason is a West End star and will burst into song at the drop of a hat, which is why we've asked everyone not to wear hats.
Up against them this evening is special-guest team captain Alan Carr.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you.
Thank you.
- Wooh-wooh-wooh! Alan said he had a hard time at school because he wore braces on his teeth.
Hope you got your money back, Alan.
- How long did you wear them? Half an hour? - Yes! I hit these on a caravan hook in Great Yarmouth.
- The glamour! - No, I know.
This is after two braces.
I know they look like toe separators but I can't do anything.
I get women sticking their feet in my mouth.
And joining Alan tonight is Katherine Ryan! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah! Katherine hosted the Channel 4 show How'd You Get So Rich? It's basically Through The Keyhole for arseholes.
I can't believe I've not been asked on it.
We know why you got so rich.
Jon, if you got arrested, if you got arrested and you had one phone call, who would you call? A locksmith.
I've found a loophole there in the whole prison system.
But your criminals don't have the intellect for that.
I would probably phone How long am I going away for? - 15 to 20.
- I think then I'd phone Rick Stein.
I really like Rick Stein and if I'm going away for 20, let's be honest, he might not be there when I come out and I would hate to come out and not have spoken to him.
I admire the man, I've been to his restaurant.
I like the way he travels.
You know, he likes a beer - and he likes nice food.
- Oh, so you're just ringing him for a chat? - I think just a chat.
- I see.
I don't think it works like that.
I don't I don't think it's like the last meal where they really try and get you your last meal.
I have an issue with the last meal because I'd try to make it last.
- I'd get an all-you-can-eat buffet and try and string it out.
- Yeah.
Jar of Marmite.
You've got another 25 years there.
Jason, you do your bit for charity.
You recently attended a charity auction where the prize was a meet and greet with yourself.
- What happened? - That was one of the prizes.
It wasn't the only prize.
There were lots of things going on.
But they said, "We'll do a meet and greet and people can bid for it.
" I said, "That's a good idea.
" So they started bidding for it.
Did all right, got to, like, 400 quid.
I looked over at the table and there were a load of lads and I thought, "Nah! 500!" So I just bid for it myself.
And I won.
I went out for a lovely meal and I don't want to be ungentlemanly but I got lucky.
What is the most you would have gone to - to not have to speak to someone else? - You would bid any price, presumably, to spend time on your own doing nothing.
Well, luckily, I don't think there's be much of a competitive bid from the other table.
£3! No, that'll do.
I don't know, you've got a following out there.
A lot of the ladies are very keen on you.
I think they think they could fix you.
LAUGHTER You are what they call a doer-upper.
As long as I'm getting done.
I'm pretty sure he didn't mean that.
LAUGHTER OK, Alan, what was your best subject at school? I was good at French.
HE SPEAKS FRENCH Still got it.
- Never lost it.
- No.
- Parlez en Francais.
- Parlez en Francais.
- Very good.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
It's like the policeman in 'Allo 'Allo!, innit? - Katherine, you often tweet about celebrities.
- Yeah.
If you could swap lives with any celebrity who would it be? Um, ooh! - Is it a ghost? - A ghost.
I would swap live with Britney Spears because I have many unanswered questions about her life, - now and in the past.
- Oh, my God! - What happened? What's happening now? Why does she look like that? Like she's always about to cry.
I think I would do the same thing but for very different reasons.
- OK.
Alan, have you got a mascot? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I've got a few mascots, do you want to see them? - What have you got? It's fan art.
Look at all the fans.
Look what they do.
Are they Harry Potter fans? Honestly, they send me stuff like this.
Look at that.
Even Kirstie Allsopp would throw that back in the skip, wouldn't she? - This is my favourite.
Look, someone drew that for me.
- What's this? LAUGHTER - Are you sure? - You know sometimes when you see art, you think, "Is that a drawing or a photo?" Are you sure you're not getting Michael McIntyre's mail? - Is it all one person? - No, I get them just through the post.
- They know where you live? - I know, I know, it's fucking scary! Through the letterbox.
- I know.
- It's less of a gift and more of a threat.
- I know.
Maybe they hate me.
Maybe they hate me.
And I'm like, "Oh, who knew I liked dog shit?" Jon, have you got a mascot? Well, it's another tactic I've brought, Jimmy.
I'm always looking at ways to get the best out of myself at this game.
I thought I'd get my balls out this evening.
Three of them.
That's normal, isn't it? I've discovered that I'm better at Countdown if I take my mind into a distracted place.
If I get the letters and numbers in my head and then occupy myself with something else, the top level of my brain is dealing with juggling the balls and the bottom level of my brain is just doing the Countdown without the top level, which is usually saying, "Oh, you left that cup out.
" "That door wasn't locked properly.
" I'm a huge advocate of anything the whingey bit quiet.
Will you juggle or will you be learning to juggle? I think I'll learn to juggle while the game is on.
- How tough could it possibly be? - It's just that but with three.
- Yeah.
So - Don't you have to swap? You have to swap hands, I think.
- I see.
- You've got it.
- I mean CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Cirque du Soleil here we come.
Jason, have you got a mascot? I have actually.
Mine, I thought mine through.
There's only one reason this show is on in the evening and it's not your availability, it's because there's swearing on it.
So I've started a swear jar for this show.
We can get this prime time, early on in the day.
It will be on every day, Monday to Friday it's on, Jimmy.
- Done.
- I noticed there's a fiver in there.
What did you say to have to put a fiver in? The fiver was actually Susie.
No, she's not sworn yet but she did say, "I'm going to put a fiver in just so I've got a bit of change "if I need to at any point during the show.
"But it's a swear word you've never heard of, you've got to look up.
" I'm just trying to work out how to get it pre-watershed that's all.
I think swearing is all right.
In the day, there's this sensibility - about swearing, it's to protect old people and that.
- Yeah.
- As if old people don't swear.
They lived through WWII, are you telling me there was no swearing? "They were like, "Oh, crikey!" When the bombs were falling.
They were at the window giving it, "Fucking hell!" That's what they were doing.
Oh, all right.
Just imagine if the conundrum is "pissflap".
- I'll have to direct debit it.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Have you got a mascot? - I do have a mascot.
I recently travelled to Canada to visit my sister's newborn baby.
It's always happening, she's sexually incontinent.
And, um And, um, I visited her baby and I got him a bunch of baby books and they're all about self-esteem now for kids.
It's like, "You're great.
You can do it!" But I was inspired, Jimmy, and I thought, "We need these books for grown-ups.
" So I've written a book for myself that I thought would inspire me on the show.
- Excellent.
What's it called? - It's called - I Am Proud Of Who I Am.
- Mmm! - Yeah? - I like it.
- Right.
- Oh, you've actually gone to OK.
"I am passive-aggressive like my mum.
" - What are you saying there? - She is saying, "Well, I only gave birth to you.
" - Classic mum.
- Um, "I am aloof like my real dad.
" Next page, "I am always running late like my period.
" Very good illustrations, I feel.
- Just like me, I know.
- Very good.
"I am fashionable like my sister Joanne isn't.
" You sister Joanne will see this show, yes? No! No! Because she lives on a mountain and she doesn't have a TV.
- That's fine.
- It's cool, it's cool.
She thinks she's a bear.
"I am skilled at getting people off like my lawyer.
" OK? I illustrated this book myself.
No compliments yet.
Oh, yeah, you did give me one.
- OK.
- Do you remember when I said the illustrations were good? Go back to that passive-aggressive page.
And "I am flexible "like Theresa May's position on the leaving the EU.
" - APPLAUSE - Yeah, a bit of satire.
OK.
It's a great book.
Finally, "I am me.
I am proud of who I am.
" - Ah! - That's my book.
- A very good book.
- It is.
- Very good.
- Thanks.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, we are lucky this evening, over in Dictionary Corner is legend of hospital radio Ivan Brackenbury.
Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ivan, would you mind telling us a little bit about yourself? I work in a hospital radio station, I'm a volunteer - but I'm really professional.
- How did you get into hospital radio? Er, well, when I was visiting my mum in hospital, they had a hospital radio station, so I used to go and do that and I thought, "One day, I really want to be on that station," and then I did.
So I achieved my dreams.
And, um, the patients love me.
Sometimes they play tricks on me and jokes on me.
When I collect requests, sometimes they pretend to be sleeping.
So I don't talk to them.
But if you stand really still and watch them, you can tell they're not really sleeping by just watching their breathing patterns.
LAUGHTER How long do you watch the sleeping patients for? Until I notice they are really awake and then I'm like, "Hiya! Have you got a request?" I think I might cry.
Um, and with Ivan, of course, is Susie Dent! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie has been on Countdown for 24 years and her fame means she's often recognised whether it's at a gangbang, a sex dungeon or a notorious dogging hot spot, people are often saying, "Look, it's her off telly.
" Susie, you carry a notebook wherever you go so you can write down new phrases you come across.
- What was the last thing you wrote down? - Malaphor.
- You heard of malaphor? - Malaphor? No, what's a malaphor? It's a cross between a malapropism and a metaphor.
- Oh, OK.
- An example is, the early bird is worth two in the bush.
Or he's got a chip up his arse.
Or that's a hard nut to swallow.
That kind of thing.
When you mix two expressions together.
- It's a hard nut to swallow? - Yes! I've got one of those, I think.
My mum once said Something was difficult and she said, "Oh, it's like shitting in the wind.
" OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
CHEERING AND WHISTLING APPLAUSE Rachel Riley, the woman who begs the question, if she dresses like that for work, what the fuck does she wear when she goes out? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Rachel, do you and Susie ever get competitive? - Er, yeah, we're very competitive actually.
- And who is the lucky guy? Well, we were talking about you.
We were having a competition.
We were having a competition who could best describe you.
- And Susie said you were pissmatic.
- Pissmatic? - Pissmatic.
You ask annoying questions.
I won, I said you're a bit of a dick.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Fair enough.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown grandfather clock.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Alan and Katherine, you get the first pick of the letters.
- Um, consonant, please, Rachel.
- Thank you.
- Then you go.
- N.
- Yeah, OK.
A vowel.
- I'll have a couple of vowels.
- O.
- I.
- What Alan wants, Alan gets.
- Rap! Rap! - A.
- And then should we have three consonants? - Yeah, let's have it.
Why not? - S.
D.
S.
- I'll have a vowel and a consonant.
Yeah, yeah.
- An O and an N.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
Lipstick.
Right.
Perfect.
Eyebrows.
Stupid! It's not working.
Oh! COUNTDOWN CLOCK ENDS Enjoy your big day! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's a wonder.
Nothing.
Oh! It's an art, I've got an eye for it.
- Katherine, how many? - Er, six.
- Six? Alan, how many? - I've got six - And I've also got the name of a tribute band? - Wow! Awesome.
You get bonus points for that because that's what the game is.
- OK, Jason, how many? - Four.
- Four.
OK, Jon, how many? Six.
- Six.
- And you were juggling.
That's impressive.
- Not bad.
- Jason, what was your four? - Mine was just Mine was noon.
- That's all I had.
- OK.
Katherine, what was yours? - Snoods.
- Snoods.
- Oh, yes! - I like a snood.
- It is a type of hood that is also a scarf.
- Like a foreskin for the head, isn't it? - That's it.
It is.
It's like Hello! OK, snoods.
Alan, what was your word? - Noasis is my tribute band.
- Yes! - Very good.
- It is, isn't it? Seeing as we're in Manchester.
APPLAUSE - Good, innit? - There we go.
- And onions.
- Onions.
- I've seen Noasis and I've seen Oasis.
Both great.
- Have you seen By Jovi? - No.
My favourite one is Amy Housewine, have you seen her? LAUGHTER - That's a good name.
- OK.
- Jon, what have you got? - Snoods.
- You've got snoods as well.
OK, six points each.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Well done.
Ivan Brackenbury, Susie Dench, could they have done any better? They couldn't have done any better, could they? We've only got six letters but we got one they didn't get.
- What did you get? - Anion.
- It's a negatively charged ion.
- Could you explain what that is? Well, you know, like, you've got an ion - Yeah.
- .
.
that's positive.
- Right.
- If you have one that's negative, you call it anion.
LAUGHTER - They're attracted to the anodes, basically, aren't they? - Yeah.
- So when you have an anode, they're attracted to that - Yeah.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER It takes all sorts, doesn't it? - There's a lid for every pot.
- Yeah, I know.
Are you in a relationship at the moment? Um, I don't have a girlfriend but I've got girls that are my friends.
- So have I.
- My mum, er Not just my mum, I'm not sad, I've got aunties too.
LAUGHTER OK, so at the end of that, both teams have six points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, on to our first numbers round.
Jon and Jason, your turn to pick the numbers.
- I'm going to allow you to pick the numbers.
- OK.
I felt like juggling the tennis balls was a minor distraction.
- Right.
- I was still focusing on the letters a bit.
- Yeah.
- I've ramped it up a notch - Right.
- and I've got a tennis-coaching serving machine and I'm going to get it to fire tennis balls at me while I do it.
And I think that will be such an absolute distraction, - I will definitely get it.
I'm going to go out there.
- All right, OK.
- I've got my protection.
- LAUGHTER Look, I wear this all the time anyway.
I get kicked in the balls a lot.
- Jason, if you pick the numbers.
- Do you need pen and paper or? I think just pick the numbers.
- OK.
- Oh! - You pick the numbers.
- OK.
CHEERING - One big then the others small ones.
- One big, five little.
- OK.
- And they are nine, six, one, ten, eight and 50.
And the target OK, the target is 339.
Your time starts now.
COUNTDOWN CLOCK STARTS HE LAUGHS Ow! - Oh, that was near the face.
- Get him in the face.
- Right on the conk.
On the rebound.
- Oh! - RACHEL LAUGHS We've got some more.
COUNTDOWN CLOCK ENDS - Ah! - Oh! Jon, did you get it? Yeah.
- Katherine, did you get it? - No.
- Alan, did you get it? - No, I got 328.
- OK.
Jason, did you get it? - Yeah, the same, 328.
You got 328.
OK.
Jon, how did you get it? 50 plus eight multiplied by six minus nine.
Yeah, 348 minus nine, perfect.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Very impressive.
- Oh! So good! So good! Jon Richardson, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, so Alan and Katherine have six points.
Jon and Jason have 16.
Oh! OK, time now to go over to Dictionary Corner to hospital radio's very own Ivan Brackenbury.
APPLAUSE I'm giving you a live broadcast with Channel 4 and hospital radio.
"From maternity to the morgue, "from cardiovascular to urinogenital, - "this is hospital radio.
" - "Ivan Brackenbury!" "He's bonkers!" "Ivan Brackenbury! The cheerful earful.
" "Ivan Brackenbury out and about reaching out and touching patients.
"Ten until eight!" Not actually, not since the memo.
"OK!" HE LAUGHS Big shout going out, request-wise, we've got one for Jon P Smith.
He's been waiting for a transplant for ages and nothing seems to be turning up.
Do you know what, Jon? I'm sure something will turn up soon.
Fingers crossed.
I actually don't think it will.
LAUGHTER # .
.
these days is hard to find True love, the lasting APPLAUSE Fingers crossed.
We'll be listening out to them traffic and travel reports for you, eh? What? - LAUGHTER - You don't know, do you? The weather we've been having.
Good luck with it.
And we have been raising money for eczema.
We've got scratchcards for sale if you are interested.
This one is for Mike.
Unfortunately, he's had a motorcycle accident and twisted his neck right round.
He's a massive fan of Mike and the Mechanics.
# Yeah, looking back Over my shoulder.
You're listening to me, Ivan Brackenbury.
We are live on Channel 4.
It's time now for my thought for the day.
"Never make fun of someone who mispronounces a word "because they probably learnt that word from Reading.
" LAUGHTER HE LAUGHS Anyway, Jon's got massive ears, he's having them pinned back.
He loves Simply Red.
Holding back the years And Brian's in A&E.
It's a long story, actually.
It all began when he got stuck on the tube, now they've managed to get that out.
But, um LAUGHTER .
.
they reckon the hamster is going to cause some pain with it.
And a big shout to Bill.
He's got worms.
# Why do words suddenly appear Every time you are near? You're listening to me, Ivan Brackenbury.
If you're feeling at death's door, I'll pull you through.
OK! Close to you - Ivan Brackenbury, everyone! - Thank you, Jimmy! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And here is your teaser, the words are "nakedwee," the clue is "I feel vulnerable," that's "nakedwee, "I feel vulnerable.
" See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were "nakedwee", the clue was "I feel vulnerable".
It was, of course, "weakened".
OK.
So John and Jason are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far but this game is just for Alan and John.
- John's turn to choose the letters.
- What would you pick here, Alan? - Consonant.
- A vowel, please.
- E.
- Oh, like that, is it? - And a consonant, please.
- R.
- That's where you'll end up after this round, mate.
LAUGHTER And another vowel, please.
- A.
- You'll wish you'd been born in a different one of those.
- I'll think of something.
- And another consonant, please.
- G.
- I think your mum's Oh! LAUGHTER And a vowel, please.
- I.
- And a consonant, please.
- R.
- And a consonant, please.
- D.
- And a vowel, please.
- E.
- And another consonant.
- - OK.
And your time starts now.
Oh! HE LAUGHS COUNTDOWN CLOCK ENDS HE MUMBLES HE MUMBLES Why didn't you dip your cock in it? John, what have you got? How many? Well, I've definitely got seven.
I've got a seven.
You might have something else.
What else have you got I've got an eight that's a proper noun and a nine that isn't a word.
LAUGHTER OK.
Are you going to go with seven? - Yes.
- OK.
Alan, what have you got? - I've got a risky seven.
- But I've got a safe six.
- What are you going to go for? - We need to go for it.
We're behind.
- Yep.
Yeah, yeah, we'll go for it.
I was like Derek Acorah then.
"What's that, Mary?" Yes.
- OK, John, what's yours? - Well, the seven is girated.
The proper noun eight is the Welsh town of Tredegar.
And the risky nine is regirated.
If I girated and then I stopped and you said, "Do that again.
" And I started again.
Would regirated have been in there, Susie? Well, gyrated needs a Y.
- Oh! - AUDIENCE: Oh! - Oh! - So your safe seven was actually bloody risky.
- Yeah.
- Alan, what was your seven? - I had readier.
Like, I'm ready but she's readier.
- Readier? - R-E-A-D-I-E-R.
- Yeah, very good.
- Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Alan Carr, everyone! Excellent.
Susie, Ivan, could they have done any better? - I think we've won this round.
We got an eight.
- Wow! You know you're not playing, you're just Dictionary Corner.
Well, we've got eight anyway.
- We've got Is that it? - Gartered.
- Gartered.
- Is that how you say it? - Yep.
- Gartered.
- Wearing garters.
- And what's that? - Eight.
- Oh, that's just saying it's eight.
- Yes.
Gartered.
LAUGHTER - OK, at the end of that, Alan and Katherine have 13 points.
- Wooh! - John and Jason have 16 points.
- We're getting there.
APPLAUSE Right! Now time for Katherine and Jason to go head to head.
Katherine, your turn to pick the numbers.
A big number, please, Rachel.
And then, like, another big one and the rest small.
Sure.
I really like four little, two big.
In this round you've got ten, nine, one, eight, 25 and 100.
And the target is 364.
OK, and your time starts now.
COUNTDOWN CLOCK STARTS COUNTDOWN CLOCK ENDS - You didn't? - I totally got it! - In your face, Jason.
- Well - In your face! And you've got all this practise counting all the kids you've got.
LAUGHTER I never get the math.
- I am so proud of me.
- I'm proud of you.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What? Ah! Traditionally on this show, we check that you've got it before we have the massive celebration.
It's going to be a huge fall from grace, I know.
- Jason, did you get it? - No.
- You didn't? - Are you proud of yourself? - No, I'm fucking not.
LAUGHTER Nor am I, you fucking dickhead.
OK, Katherine, how did you do it? - Rachel, listen up.
- OK.
LAUGHTER I mean, there's confidence and then whatever is going on here.
OK, Rachel, you might want to think about another career plan - because I think Katherine's taking your job.
- That's fine.
Ten minus eight equals two plus one is three.
- 100.
Right? - Yeah.
- Oh! - Uh-oh! - Oh-ho! - Ten minus eight is two.
- The tension.
- Oh, I'll just take down this bunting.
LAUGHTER - Come on, Katherine.
- All right.
100 plus 25 is 125.
- Hang on.
- And three is 175.
Minus nine is 364.
What? 366, isn't it? - I've got a spare bit of change here if you want.
- No! No! Somewhere on a mountain in Canada, Joanne is laughing her tits off! LAUGHTER - No points for anyone.
Rachel, could it be done? - I only found two ways.
LAUGHTER Ouch! Unbelievable.
- Oh! - Oh, you went there, Rachel.
- It was hard.
- You went there.
- OK.
You could have said nine times ten is 90.
Plus one is 91.
And then 100 divided by 25 is four and times that together.
- APPLAUSE - I'd never have done that.
- Oh! - See, Katherine? That's the way I remember it because 91 times four is 364.
That's how I never did my 91 times table.
That's where I went wrong.
How are you feeling now? I mean, I really don't regret my initial reaction because I think that's how you have to live your life.
- I'm in it to win it.
- I just wonder, - those kind of highs and these kind of lows - Mm-hm! I just Is there a psychiatric ward? LAUGHTER - There is a psychiatric ward.
- Oh, there is.
- Yep.
- And you don't have a girlfriend.
But you're not allowed to touch the patients since the memo, so - Yeah, I find you a bit scary anyway.
- All right.
LAUGHTER What are you looking for in a girlfriend? If you had a girlfriend? My ideal girl would be, like, the head of Rachel from Friends, er, the torso of Holly Willoughby and then the legs of Angelina Jolie.
All joined up, obviously, not loose or in a bag.
LAUGHTER OK.
The scores, Alan and Katherine have 13 points, John and Jason have 16.
- Just about.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Here is your teaser.
The words are "ideatnob".
The clue is "When I get my hands on it.
" That's "ideatnob" "when I get my hands on it".
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were "ideatnob", the clue was "when I get my hands on it".
It was, of course, "obtained".
On with the game.
Alan and Katherine, your turn to choose the letters.
We'll have, um, three vowels, - three consonants.
- U.
A.
I.
- X.
- X? - R.
- Rachel.
- P.
- Rachel.
- Don't be a dick about it.
- M.
LAUGHTER - Consonant, consonant, vowel.
Or is that stupid? - S.
T.
E.
OK, and your time starts now.
COUNTDOWN CLOCK ENDS - OK, Alan, how many letters? - Six.
- Katherine, how many letters? - Six also.
- Jason, what have you got? - Six.
- OK.
John? - I think eight.
- Ha! - But I've been wrong before.
And I think the important thing at this point is to have some humility about the game.
LAUGHTER OK.
Katherine, let's hear your six, which is definitely a word and has six letters in it.
My six is praise.
- Praise.
- Mm-hm! Which is going out on a limb, John.
Well, I'd like to praise you like I should.
LAUGHTER Who knew I knew a dance record? Yeah, I'm with it.
I've heard that in the clubs.
You were doing well until you called it dance records.
LAUGHTER I've got all the new cassettes.
- Alan, you've got a six, what's your six? - Master.
- Wooh! - OK.
Jason, let's see your six.
- I have the same - master.
- OK.
Master.
And your eight.
- That's an eight.
- Your eight John for the win.
Stumpier.
My penis is stumpier than yours.
LAUGHTER - Susie? - Very, very good.
- You got a very good from Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE - Really good.
- Stumpier, very good.
- Ivan, Susie, could they have done better? - No, we didn't get that one.
- Um, I think you've gone off the boil.
- Oh! She could have gone for rumpiest and didn't even get that.
Um, but you did get primates, which is a kind of monkey.
LAUGHTER Eight points to John.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So at the end of that, John and Jason are in the lead wit 24.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Time to go to Dictionary Corner.
Ivan Brackenbury, what have you got for us? I've got another live broadcast thanks to hospital radio .
.
with me Ivan Brackenbury.
- "Ivan Brackenbury.
" - And I'm bonkers.
- "He's bonkers!" - I am bonkers.
- "Hospital radio broadcasters" - "Give it to ill people.
" - Yes, we do.
Like Bill who can count on one hand the number of times he's lost four fingers in an accident at work.
Thumbs up, Bill.
OK! Kicking off with this one.
It's from John to the love of his life Julie.
Unfortunately, she did lose an eye while on holiday in Spain.
She's a massive fan of REM.
And this playing next for her.
Here we go.
# This one goes out to the one I love # The one I love # This one goes out to the one I left behind The one I left behind.
OK.
This one's for Jimmy.
He's not given his second name because it's an embarrassing problem.
Let's just say it's his thing and every time he pees through it, it hurts.
Um, he's got some kind of infection down there.
It's very painful, it's very tender, it's very swollen.
- "# You can't touch this#" - MC Hammer.
OK.
Well, yesterday was National Awareness Day, - I had no idea, did you? - No.
- No, me neither.
LAUGHTER Next week it's National Diarrhoea Week.
Runs until Sunday.
Big shout to Graham whose eye operation didn't go as well as he expected.
"# Hello, darkness, my old friend #" You're listening to me Ivan Brackenbury, - we're live on a Friday.
- "# Saturday! #" - Hang on a minute.
- One minute.
Friday.
- "# Sunday! #" - These are on a loop - "# Monday! #" - .
.
and you can't - I can't reset this.
- "# Tuesday! #" - I have to go all the way round.
- "# Wednesday! #" - Bear with me.
- "# Thursday! #" - Thursday.
- Here we go.
Friday! - "# 1961! #" "# 1962! #" - It's actually a bigger loop than I realised.
- "# 1963! #" Can you come back to me? Ivan Brackenbury, everyone.
OK, the scores at the moment.
Alan and Katherine have 13, - John and Jason have 24 points.
- Good work.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are "sealporn", the clue is "from my private collection.
" That's "sealporn" "from my private collection.
" See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were "sealporn", the clue was "from my private collection", it was "personal".
Time for our final letters game.
John and Jason, your turn to choose the letters.
- Do it, Manford.
- Can I get, um, an R? Er, an S.
LAUGHTER - An E.
They're quite popular, aren't they, Es? - I like the fact that, even though you're picking, you're not spelling out a word.
- Er, no, I will take What's the? - Yeah, they're good.
- Yeah, we'll have them two.
- You've got an A and S.
Do you need more consonants than vowels? Is that how it works? You need at least three vowels and at least four consonants.
I'll have three vowels then and four consonants.
OK.
Er, OK, this is not going to go well.
That's ASEUBGC - I will I say - # I see you, baby, shaking that ass.
# LAUGHTER That's one of those dance recordings.
- Another consonant.
- H.
He was in a band called Steps.
- OK.
What do you fancy? - Um, another vowel.
- We want another vowel.
- There you go.
I.
- Oh, good.
- That's sorted.
- Your 30 seconds starts now.
Ooh! COUNTDOWN CLOCK ENDS LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Does anyone want popcorn? I made too much.
LAUGHTER - John, what have you got? How many? - Er - I'm going to offer a four.
- Four, OK.
- Yeah.
- Jason, how many? - Um, a five.
- OK.
Katherine, how many? - Five.
- I think I've got a six.
- Ah! OK.
Let's hear your four, John.
It's a bit rude.
Shag.
LAUGHTER I just think it's important to show I've got a playful side.
LAUGHTER - Jason, your five? - Mine was chase.
Shag chase, it's a game.
LAUGHTER Taking it up from kiss chase.
- Katherine, your five? - Mine is guise.
- G-U-I-S-E.
- Yep.
- And, Alan, your six? - Mine was chaise as in chaise longue.
- I don't know if we can have it without longue.
- Susie on this.
- Is it in there? - Susie, don't be a bitch.
Don't spoil a lovely evening.
- Yes! - Yeah! - Awesome! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Six points to Alan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's well done! Ivan and Susie, could they have done any better? Well, no.
LAUGHTER - We got gauche.
- Gauche? - Could you use that in a sentence, please, Ivan? - Oh! It's Sean Connery in a movie going, "Oh, look, a gauche.
" - Woo-ooh! - OK, so Alan and Katherine have 19, John and Jason have 24.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - So it's 19 plays 24.
You could win this, Katherine and Alan.
- We will.
Fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's crucial Countdown conundrum.
Your time starts now.
BELL RINGS - Katherine Ryan.
- Oh, my gosh! - Downgrade.
- Let's have a look and see whether you're right.
- Oh! - Yes! CHEERING Katherine Ryan, everyone.
She believed in herself and she did it.
CHEERING Winning girl! - You too.
- Yeah! We did it! OK, so the final scores are John and Jason have 24 points but they've snatched the win with 29, Alan and Katherine! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Congratulations.
You're now the proud owner of this, the Countdown grandfather clock.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you watching from home.
That's it from us, good night.
Now, welcome your host Jimmy Carr! Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, the word microphobia means the fear of small objects? Fortunately, my girlfriend doesn't have it.
Defenestration is the act of throwing something out of a window and can be used as an answer to the question, "What shall I do with Susie Dent's new book?" And one of the early contributors to the Oxford English Dictionary cut off his own penis in a fit of madness.
I don't know if he got the sack or if it was just the penis.
Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up is Jon Richardson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jon is currently travelling the UK with his new tour where he's been delighting audiences nationwide with his generous money-back policy.
- No refunds so far.
- Yep.
- So the joke's on you.
- Keep the money.
That's the best review I've had so far.
Couldn't be arsed to talk to him to get my money back.
Did you hear that laugh over there? It was like Brian Blessed.
- Ha-ha-ha! - I don't think I'm in a position - to take the piss out of anyone's laugh.
- Oh, yeah.
- Gayer than mine.
- How can you have a gay laugh? HE GIGGLES Oh, blimey! I walked into that.
HE LAUGHS And Jon's team-mate Jason Manford.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Jason is a West End star and will burst into song at the drop of a hat, which is why we've asked everyone not to wear hats.
Up against them this evening is special-guest team captain Alan Carr.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you.
Thank you.
- Wooh-wooh-wooh! Alan said he had a hard time at school because he wore braces on his teeth.
Hope you got your money back, Alan.
- How long did you wear them? Half an hour? - Yes! I hit these on a caravan hook in Great Yarmouth.
- The glamour! - No, I know.
This is after two braces.
I know they look like toe separators but I can't do anything.
I get women sticking their feet in my mouth.
And joining Alan tonight is Katherine Ryan! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah! Katherine hosted the Channel 4 show How'd You Get So Rich? It's basically Through The Keyhole for arseholes.
I can't believe I've not been asked on it.
We know why you got so rich.
Jon, if you got arrested, if you got arrested and you had one phone call, who would you call? A locksmith.
I've found a loophole there in the whole prison system.
But your criminals don't have the intellect for that.
I would probably phone How long am I going away for? - 15 to 20.
- I think then I'd phone Rick Stein.
I really like Rick Stein and if I'm going away for 20, let's be honest, he might not be there when I come out and I would hate to come out and not have spoken to him.
I admire the man, I've been to his restaurant.
I like the way he travels.
You know, he likes a beer - and he likes nice food.
- Oh, so you're just ringing him for a chat? - I think just a chat.
- I see.
I don't think it works like that.
I don't I don't think it's like the last meal where they really try and get you your last meal.
I have an issue with the last meal because I'd try to make it last.
- I'd get an all-you-can-eat buffet and try and string it out.
- Yeah.
Jar of Marmite.
You've got another 25 years there.
Jason, you do your bit for charity.
You recently attended a charity auction where the prize was a meet and greet with yourself.
- What happened? - That was one of the prizes.
It wasn't the only prize.
There were lots of things going on.
But they said, "We'll do a meet and greet and people can bid for it.
" I said, "That's a good idea.
" So they started bidding for it.
Did all right, got to, like, 400 quid.
I looked over at the table and there were a load of lads and I thought, "Nah! 500!" So I just bid for it myself.
And I won.
I went out for a lovely meal and I don't want to be ungentlemanly but I got lucky.
What is the most you would have gone to - to not have to speak to someone else? - You would bid any price, presumably, to spend time on your own doing nothing.
Well, luckily, I don't think there's be much of a competitive bid from the other table.
£3! No, that'll do.
I don't know, you've got a following out there.
A lot of the ladies are very keen on you.
I think they think they could fix you.
LAUGHTER You are what they call a doer-upper.
As long as I'm getting done.
I'm pretty sure he didn't mean that.
LAUGHTER OK, Alan, what was your best subject at school? I was good at French.
HE SPEAKS FRENCH Still got it.
- Never lost it.
- No.
- Parlez en Francais.
- Parlez en Francais.
- Very good.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
It's like the policeman in 'Allo 'Allo!, innit? - Katherine, you often tweet about celebrities.
- Yeah.
If you could swap lives with any celebrity who would it be? Um, ooh! - Is it a ghost? - A ghost.
I would swap live with Britney Spears because I have many unanswered questions about her life, - now and in the past.
- Oh, my God! - What happened? What's happening now? Why does she look like that? Like she's always about to cry.
I think I would do the same thing but for very different reasons.
- OK.
Alan, have you got a mascot? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I've got a few mascots, do you want to see them? - What have you got? It's fan art.
Look at all the fans.
Look what they do.
Are they Harry Potter fans? Honestly, they send me stuff like this.
Look at that.
Even Kirstie Allsopp would throw that back in the skip, wouldn't she? - This is my favourite.
Look, someone drew that for me.
- What's this? LAUGHTER - Are you sure? - You know sometimes when you see art, you think, "Is that a drawing or a photo?" Are you sure you're not getting Michael McIntyre's mail? - Is it all one person? - No, I get them just through the post.
- They know where you live? - I know, I know, it's fucking scary! Through the letterbox.
- I know.
- It's less of a gift and more of a threat.
- I know.
Maybe they hate me.
Maybe they hate me.
And I'm like, "Oh, who knew I liked dog shit?" Jon, have you got a mascot? Well, it's another tactic I've brought, Jimmy.
I'm always looking at ways to get the best out of myself at this game.
I thought I'd get my balls out this evening.
Three of them.
That's normal, isn't it? I've discovered that I'm better at Countdown if I take my mind into a distracted place.
If I get the letters and numbers in my head and then occupy myself with something else, the top level of my brain is dealing with juggling the balls and the bottom level of my brain is just doing the Countdown without the top level, which is usually saying, "Oh, you left that cup out.
" "That door wasn't locked properly.
" I'm a huge advocate of anything the whingey bit quiet.
Will you juggle or will you be learning to juggle? I think I'll learn to juggle while the game is on.
- How tough could it possibly be? - It's just that but with three.
- Yeah.
So - Don't you have to swap? You have to swap hands, I think.
- I see.
- You've got it.
- I mean CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Cirque du Soleil here we come.
Jason, have you got a mascot? I have actually.
Mine, I thought mine through.
There's only one reason this show is on in the evening and it's not your availability, it's because there's swearing on it.
So I've started a swear jar for this show.
We can get this prime time, early on in the day.
It will be on every day, Monday to Friday it's on, Jimmy.
- Done.
- I noticed there's a fiver in there.
What did you say to have to put a fiver in? The fiver was actually Susie.
No, she's not sworn yet but she did say, "I'm going to put a fiver in just so I've got a bit of change "if I need to at any point during the show.
"But it's a swear word you've never heard of, you've got to look up.
" I'm just trying to work out how to get it pre-watershed that's all.
I think swearing is all right.
In the day, there's this sensibility - about swearing, it's to protect old people and that.
- Yeah.
- As if old people don't swear.
They lived through WWII, are you telling me there was no swearing? "They were like, "Oh, crikey!" When the bombs were falling.
They were at the window giving it, "Fucking hell!" That's what they were doing.
Oh, all right.
Just imagine if the conundrum is "pissflap".
- I'll have to direct debit it.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Have you got a mascot? - I do have a mascot.
I recently travelled to Canada to visit my sister's newborn baby.
It's always happening, she's sexually incontinent.
And, um And, um, I visited her baby and I got him a bunch of baby books and they're all about self-esteem now for kids.
It's like, "You're great.
You can do it!" But I was inspired, Jimmy, and I thought, "We need these books for grown-ups.
" So I've written a book for myself that I thought would inspire me on the show.
- Excellent.
What's it called? - It's called - I Am Proud Of Who I Am.
- Mmm! - Yeah? - I like it.
- Right.
- Oh, you've actually gone to OK.
"I am passive-aggressive like my mum.
" - What are you saying there? - She is saying, "Well, I only gave birth to you.
" - Classic mum.
- Um, "I am aloof like my real dad.
" Next page, "I am always running late like my period.
" Very good illustrations, I feel.
- Just like me, I know.
- Very good.
"I am fashionable like my sister Joanne isn't.
" You sister Joanne will see this show, yes? No! No! Because she lives on a mountain and she doesn't have a TV.
- That's fine.
- It's cool, it's cool.
She thinks she's a bear.
"I am skilled at getting people off like my lawyer.
" OK? I illustrated this book myself.
No compliments yet.
Oh, yeah, you did give me one.
- OK.
- Do you remember when I said the illustrations were good? Go back to that passive-aggressive page.
And "I am flexible "like Theresa May's position on the leaving the EU.
" - APPLAUSE - Yeah, a bit of satire.
OK.
It's a great book.
Finally, "I am me.
I am proud of who I am.
" - Ah! - That's my book.
- A very good book.
- It is.
- Very good.
- Thanks.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, we are lucky this evening, over in Dictionary Corner is legend of hospital radio Ivan Brackenbury.
Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ivan, would you mind telling us a little bit about yourself? I work in a hospital radio station, I'm a volunteer - but I'm really professional.
- How did you get into hospital radio? Er, well, when I was visiting my mum in hospital, they had a hospital radio station, so I used to go and do that and I thought, "One day, I really want to be on that station," and then I did.
So I achieved my dreams.
And, um, the patients love me.
Sometimes they play tricks on me and jokes on me.
When I collect requests, sometimes they pretend to be sleeping.
So I don't talk to them.
But if you stand really still and watch them, you can tell they're not really sleeping by just watching their breathing patterns.
LAUGHTER How long do you watch the sleeping patients for? Until I notice they are really awake and then I'm like, "Hiya! Have you got a request?" I think I might cry.
Um, and with Ivan, of course, is Susie Dent! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie has been on Countdown for 24 years and her fame means she's often recognised whether it's at a gangbang, a sex dungeon or a notorious dogging hot spot, people are often saying, "Look, it's her off telly.
" Susie, you carry a notebook wherever you go so you can write down new phrases you come across.
- What was the last thing you wrote down? - Malaphor.
- You heard of malaphor? - Malaphor? No, what's a malaphor? It's a cross between a malapropism and a metaphor.
- Oh, OK.
- An example is, the early bird is worth two in the bush.
Or he's got a chip up his arse.
Or that's a hard nut to swallow.
That kind of thing.
When you mix two expressions together.
- It's a hard nut to swallow? - Yes! I've got one of those, I think.
My mum once said Something was difficult and she said, "Oh, it's like shitting in the wind.
" OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
CHEERING AND WHISTLING APPLAUSE Rachel Riley, the woman who begs the question, if she dresses like that for work, what the fuck does she wear when she goes out? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Rachel, do you and Susie ever get competitive? - Er, yeah, we're very competitive actually.
- And who is the lucky guy? Well, we were talking about you.
We were having a competition.
We were having a competition who could best describe you.
- And Susie said you were pissmatic.
- Pissmatic? - Pissmatic.
You ask annoying questions.
I won, I said you're a bit of a dick.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Fair enough.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown grandfather clock.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Alan and Katherine, you get the first pick of the letters.
- Um, consonant, please, Rachel.
- Thank you.
- Then you go.
- N.
- Yeah, OK.
A vowel.
- I'll have a couple of vowels.
- O.
- I.
- What Alan wants, Alan gets.
- Rap! Rap! - A.
- And then should we have three consonants? - Yeah, let's have it.
Why not? - S.
D.
S.
- I'll have a vowel and a consonant.
Yeah, yeah.
- An O and an N.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
Lipstick.
Right.
Perfect.
Eyebrows.
Stupid! It's not working.
Oh! COUNTDOWN CLOCK ENDS Enjoy your big day! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's a wonder.
Nothing.
Oh! It's an art, I've got an eye for it.
- Katherine, how many? - Er, six.
- Six? Alan, how many? - I've got six - And I've also got the name of a tribute band? - Wow! Awesome.
You get bonus points for that because that's what the game is.
- OK, Jason, how many? - Four.
- Four.
OK, Jon, how many? Six.
- Six.
- And you were juggling.
That's impressive.
- Not bad.
- Jason, what was your four? - Mine was just Mine was noon.
- That's all I had.
- OK.
Katherine, what was yours? - Snoods.
- Snoods.
- Oh, yes! - I like a snood.
- It is a type of hood that is also a scarf.
- Like a foreskin for the head, isn't it? - That's it.
It is.
It's like Hello! OK, snoods.
Alan, what was your word? - Noasis is my tribute band.
- Yes! - Very good.
- It is, isn't it? Seeing as we're in Manchester.
APPLAUSE - Good, innit? - There we go.
- And onions.
- Onions.
- I've seen Noasis and I've seen Oasis.
Both great.
- Have you seen By Jovi? - No.
My favourite one is Amy Housewine, have you seen her? LAUGHTER - That's a good name.
- OK.
- Jon, what have you got? - Snoods.
- You've got snoods as well.
OK, six points each.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Well done.
Ivan Brackenbury, Susie Dench, could they have done any better? They couldn't have done any better, could they? We've only got six letters but we got one they didn't get.
- What did you get? - Anion.
- It's a negatively charged ion.
- Could you explain what that is? Well, you know, like, you've got an ion - Yeah.
- .
.
that's positive.
- Right.
- If you have one that's negative, you call it anion.
LAUGHTER - They're attracted to the anodes, basically, aren't they? - Yeah.
- So when you have an anode, they're attracted to that - Yeah.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER It takes all sorts, doesn't it? - There's a lid for every pot.
- Yeah, I know.
Are you in a relationship at the moment? Um, I don't have a girlfriend but I've got girls that are my friends.
- So have I.
- My mum, er Not just my mum, I'm not sad, I've got aunties too.
LAUGHTER OK, so at the end of that, both teams have six points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, on to our first numbers round.
Jon and Jason, your turn to pick the numbers.
- I'm going to allow you to pick the numbers.
- OK.
I felt like juggling the tennis balls was a minor distraction.
- Right.
- I was still focusing on the letters a bit.
- Yeah.
- I've ramped it up a notch - Right.
- and I've got a tennis-coaching serving machine and I'm going to get it to fire tennis balls at me while I do it.
And I think that will be such an absolute distraction, - I will definitely get it.
I'm going to go out there.
- All right, OK.
- I've got my protection.
- LAUGHTER Look, I wear this all the time anyway.
I get kicked in the balls a lot.
- Jason, if you pick the numbers.
- Do you need pen and paper or? I think just pick the numbers.
- OK.
- Oh! - You pick the numbers.
- OK.
CHEERING - One big then the others small ones.
- One big, five little.
- OK.
- And they are nine, six, one, ten, eight and 50.
And the target OK, the target is 339.
Your time starts now.
COUNTDOWN CLOCK STARTS HE LAUGHS Ow! - Oh, that was near the face.
- Get him in the face.
- Right on the conk.
On the rebound.
- Oh! - RACHEL LAUGHS We've got some more.
COUNTDOWN CLOCK ENDS - Ah! - Oh! Jon, did you get it? Yeah.
- Katherine, did you get it? - No.
- Alan, did you get it? - No, I got 328.
- OK.
Jason, did you get it? - Yeah, the same, 328.
You got 328.
OK.
Jon, how did you get it? 50 plus eight multiplied by six minus nine.
Yeah, 348 minus nine, perfect.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Very impressive.
- Oh! So good! So good! Jon Richardson, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, so Alan and Katherine have six points.
Jon and Jason have 16.
Oh! OK, time now to go over to Dictionary Corner to hospital radio's very own Ivan Brackenbury.
APPLAUSE I'm giving you a live broadcast with Channel 4 and hospital radio.
"From maternity to the morgue, "from cardiovascular to urinogenital, - "this is hospital radio.
" - "Ivan Brackenbury!" "He's bonkers!" "Ivan Brackenbury! The cheerful earful.
" "Ivan Brackenbury out and about reaching out and touching patients.
"Ten until eight!" Not actually, not since the memo.
"OK!" HE LAUGHS Big shout going out, request-wise, we've got one for Jon P Smith.
He's been waiting for a transplant for ages and nothing seems to be turning up.
Do you know what, Jon? I'm sure something will turn up soon.
Fingers crossed.
I actually don't think it will.
LAUGHTER # .
.
these days is hard to find True love, the lasting APPLAUSE Fingers crossed.
We'll be listening out to them traffic and travel reports for you, eh? What? - LAUGHTER - You don't know, do you? The weather we've been having.
Good luck with it.
And we have been raising money for eczema.
We've got scratchcards for sale if you are interested.
This one is for Mike.
Unfortunately, he's had a motorcycle accident and twisted his neck right round.
He's a massive fan of Mike and the Mechanics.
# Yeah, looking back Over my shoulder.
You're listening to me, Ivan Brackenbury.
We are live on Channel 4.
It's time now for my thought for the day.
"Never make fun of someone who mispronounces a word "because they probably learnt that word from Reading.
" LAUGHTER HE LAUGHS Anyway, Jon's got massive ears, he's having them pinned back.
He loves Simply Red.
Holding back the years And Brian's in A&E.
It's a long story, actually.
It all began when he got stuck on the tube, now they've managed to get that out.
But, um LAUGHTER .
.
they reckon the hamster is going to cause some pain with it.
And a big shout to Bill.
He's got worms.
# Why do words suddenly appear Every time you are near? You're listening to me, Ivan Brackenbury.
If you're feeling at death's door, I'll pull you through.
OK! Close to you - Ivan Brackenbury, everyone! - Thank you, Jimmy! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And here is your teaser, the words are "nakedwee," the clue is "I feel vulnerable," that's "nakedwee, "I feel vulnerable.
" See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were "nakedwee", the clue was "I feel vulnerable".
It was, of course, "weakened".
OK.
So John and Jason are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far but this game is just for Alan and John.
- John's turn to choose the letters.
- What would you pick here, Alan? - Consonant.
- A vowel, please.
- E.
- Oh, like that, is it? - And a consonant, please.
- R.
- That's where you'll end up after this round, mate.
LAUGHTER And another vowel, please.
- A.
- You'll wish you'd been born in a different one of those.
- I'll think of something.
- And another consonant, please.
- G.
- I think your mum's Oh! LAUGHTER And a vowel, please.
- I.
- And a consonant, please.
- R.
- And a consonant, please.
- D.
- And a vowel, please.
- E.
- And another consonant.
- - OK.
And your time starts now.
Oh! HE LAUGHS COUNTDOWN CLOCK ENDS HE MUMBLES HE MUMBLES Why didn't you dip your cock in it? John, what have you got? How many? Well, I've definitely got seven.
I've got a seven.
You might have something else.
What else have you got I've got an eight that's a proper noun and a nine that isn't a word.
LAUGHTER OK.
Are you going to go with seven? - Yes.
- OK.
Alan, what have you got? - I've got a risky seven.
- But I've got a safe six.
- What are you going to go for? - We need to go for it.
We're behind.
- Yep.
Yeah, yeah, we'll go for it.
I was like Derek Acorah then.
"What's that, Mary?" Yes.
- OK, John, what's yours? - Well, the seven is girated.
The proper noun eight is the Welsh town of Tredegar.
And the risky nine is regirated.
If I girated and then I stopped and you said, "Do that again.
" And I started again.
Would regirated have been in there, Susie? Well, gyrated needs a Y.
- Oh! - AUDIENCE: Oh! - Oh! - So your safe seven was actually bloody risky.
- Yeah.
- Alan, what was your seven? - I had readier.
Like, I'm ready but she's readier.
- Readier? - R-E-A-D-I-E-R.
- Yeah, very good.
- Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Alan Carr, everyone! Excellent.
Susie, Ivan, could they have done any better? - I think we've won this round.
We got an eight.
- Wow! You know you're not playing, you're just Dictionary Corner.
Well, we've got eight anyway.
- We've got Is that it? - Gartered.
- Gartered.
- Is that how you say it? - Yep.
- Gartered.
- Wearing garters.
- And what's that? - Eight.
- Oh, that's just saying it's eight.
- Yes.
Gartered.
LAUGHTER - OK, at the end of that, Alan and Katherine have 13 points.
- Wooh! - John and Jason have 16 points.
- We're getting there.
APPLAUSE Right! Now time for Katherine and Jason to go head to head.
Katherine, your turn to pick the numbers.
A big number, please, Rachel.
And then, like, another big one and the rest small.
Sure.
I really like four little, two big.
In this round you've got ten, nine, one, eight, 25 and 100.
And the target is 364.
OK, and your time starts now.
COUNTDOWN CLOCK STARTS COUNTDOWN CLOCK ENDS - You didn't? - I totally got it! - In your face, Jason.
- Well - In your face! And you've got all this practise counting all the kids you've got.
LAUGHTER I never get the math.
- I am so proud of me.
- I'm proud of you.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What? Ah! Traditionally on this show, we check that you've got it before we have the massive celebration.
It's going to be a huge fall from grace, I know.
- Jason, did you get it? - No.
- You didn't? - Are you proud of yourself? - No, I'm fucking not.
LAUGHTER Nor am I, you fucking dickhead.
OK, Katherine, how did you do it? - Rachel, listen up.
- OK.
LAUGHTER I mean, there's confidence and then whatever is going on here.
OK, Rachel, you might want to think about another career plan - because I think Katherine's taking your job.
- That's fine.
Ten minus eight equals two plus one is three.
- 100.
Right? - Yeah.
- Oh! - Uh-oh! - Oh-ho! - Ten minus eight is two.
- The tension.
- Oh, I'll just take down this bunting.
LAUGHTER - Come on, Katherine.
- All right.
100 plus 25 is 125.
- Hang on.
- And three is 175.
Minus nine is 364.
What? 366, isn't it? - I've got a spare bit of change here if you want.
- No! No! Somewhere on a mountain in Canada, Joanne is laughing her tits off! LAUGHTER - No points for anyone.
Rachel, could it be done? - I only found two ways.
LAUGHTER Ouch! Unbelievable.
- Oh! - Oh, you went there, Rachel.
- It was hard.
- You went there.
- OK.
You could have said nine times ten is 90.
Plus one is 91.
And then 100 divided by 25 is four and times that together.
- APPLAUSE - I'd never have done that.
- Oh! - See, Katherine? That's the way I remember it because 91 times four is 364.
That's how I never did my 91 times table.
That's where I went wrong.
How are you feeling now? I mean, I really don't regret my initial reaction because I think that's how you have to live your life.
- I'm in it to win it.
- I just wonder, - those kind of highs and these kind of lows - Mm-hm! I just Is there a psychiatric ward? LAUGHTER - There is a psychiatric ward.
- Oh, there is.
- Yep.
- And you don't have a girlfriend.
But you're not allowed to touch the patients since the memo, so - Yeah, I find you a bit scary anyway.
- All right.
LAUGHTER What are you looking for in a girlfriend? If you had a girlfriend? My ideal girl would be, like, the head of Rachel from Friends, er, the torso of Holly Willoughby and then the legs of Angelina Jolie.
All joined up, obviously, not loose or in a bag.
LAUGHTER OK.
The scores, Alan and Katherine have 13 points, John and Jason have 16.
- Just about.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Here is your teaser.
The words are "ideatnob".
The clue is "When I get my hands on it.
" That's "ideatnob" "when I get my hands on it".
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were "ideatnob", the clue was "when I get my hands on it".
It was, of course, "obtained".
On with the game.
Alan and Katherine, your turn to choose the letters.
We'll have, um, three vowels, - three consonants.
- U.
A.
I.
- X.
- X? - R.
- Rachel.
- P.
- Rachel.
- Don't be a dick about it.
- M.
LAUGHTER - Consonant, consonant, vowel.
Or is that stupid? - S.
T.
E.
OK, and your time starts now.
COUNTDOWN CLOCK ENDS - OK, Alan, how many letters? - Six.
- Katherine, how many letters? - Six also.
- Jason, what have you got? - Six.
- OK.
John? - I think eight.
- Ha! - But I've been wrong before.
And I think the important thing at this point is to have some humility about the game.
LAUGHTER OK.
Katherine, let's hear your six, which is definitely a word and has six letters in it.
My six is praise.
- Praise.
- Mm-hm! Which is going out on a limb, John.
Well, I'd like to praise you like I should.
LAUGHTER Who knew I knew a dance record? Yeah, I'm with it.
I've heard that in the clubs.
You were doing well until you called it dance records.
LAUGHTER I've got all the new cassettes.
- Alan, you've got a six, what's your six? - Master.
- Wooh! - OK.
Jason, let's see your six.
- I have the same - master.
- OK.
Master.
And your eight.
- That's an eight.
- Your eight John for the win.
Stumpier.
My penis is stumpier than yours.
LAUGHTER - Susie? - Very, very good.
- You got a very good from Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE - Really good.
- Stumpier, very good.
- Ivan, Susie, could they have done better? - No, we didn't get that one.
- Um, I think you've gone off the boil.
- Oh! She could have gone for rumpiest and didn't even get that.
Um, but you did get primates, which is a kind of monkey.
LAUGHTER Eight points to John.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So at the end of that, John and Jason are in the lead wit 24.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Time to go to Dictionary Corner.
Ivan Brackenbury, what have you got for us? I've got another live broadcast thanks to hospital radio .
.
with me Ivan Brackenbury.
- "Ivan Brackenbury.
" - And I'm bonkers.
- "He's bonkers!" - I am bonkers.
- "Hospital radio broadcasters" - "Give it to ill people.
" - Yes, we do.
Like Bill who can count on one hand the number of times he's lost four fingers in an accident at work.
Thumbs up, Bill.
OK! Kicking off with this one.
It's from John to the love of his life Julie.
Unfortunately, she did lose an eye while on holiday in Spain.
She's a massive fan of REM.
And this playing next for her.
Here we go.
# This one goes out to the one I love # The one I love # This one goes out to the one I left behind The one I left behind.
OK.
This one's for Jimmy.
He's not given his second name because it's an embarrassing problem.
Let's just say it's his thing and every time he pees through it, it hurts.
Um, he's got some kind of infection down there.
It's very painful, it's very tender, it's very swollen.
- "# You can't touch this#" - MC Hammer.
OK.
Well, yesterday was National Awareness Day, - I had no idea, did you? - No.
- No, me neither.
LAUGHTER Next week it's National Diarrhoea Week.
Runs until Sunday.
Big shout to Graham whose eye operation didn't go as well as he expected.
"# Hello, darkness, my old friend #" You're listening to me Ivan Brackenbury, - we're live on a Friday.
- "# Saturday! #" - Hang on a minute.
- One minute.
Friday.
- "# Sunday! #" - These are on a loop - "# Monday! #" - .
.
and you can't - I can't reset this.
- "# Tuesday! #" - I have to go all the way round.
- "# Wednesday! #" - Bear with me.
- "# Thursday! #" - Thursday.
- Here we go.
Friday! - "# 1961! #" "# 1962! #" - It's actually a bigger loop than I realised.
- "# 1963! #" Can you come back to me? Ivan Brackenbury, everyone.
OK, the scores at the moment.
Alan and Katherine have 13, - John and Jason have 24 points.
- Good work.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are "sealporn", the clue is "from my private collection.
" That's "sealporn" "from my private collection.
" See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were "sealporn", the clue was "from my private collection", it was "personal".
Time for our final letters game.
John and Jason, your turn to choose the letters.
- Do it, Manford.
- Can I get, um, an R? Er, an S.
LAUGHTER - An E.
They're quite popular, aren't they, Es? - I like the fact that, even though you're picking, you're not spelling out a word.
- Er, no, I will take What's the? - Yeah, they're good.
- Yeah, we'll have them two.
- You've got an A and S.
Do you need more consonants than vowels? Is that how it works? You need at least three vowels and at least four consonants.
I'll have three vowels then and four consonants.
OK.
Er, OK, this is not going to go well.
That's ASEUBGC - I will I say - # I see you, baby, shaking that ass.
# LAUGHTER That's one of those dance recordings.
- Another consonant.
- H.
He was in a band called Steps.
- OK.
What do you fancy? - Um, another vowel.
- We want another vowel.
- There you go.
I.
- Oh, good.
- That's sorted.
- Your 30 seconds starts now.
Ooh! COUNTDOWN CLOCK ENDS LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Does anyone want popcorn? I made too much.
LAUGHTER - John, what have you got? How many? - Er - I'm going to offer a four.
- Four, OK.
- Yeah.
- Jason, how many? - Um, a five.
- OK.
Katherine, how many? - Five.
- I think I've got a six.
- Ah! OK.
Let's hear your four, John.
It's a bit rude.
Shag.
LAUGHTER I just think it's important to show I've got a playful side.
LAUGHTER - Jason, your five? - Mine was chase.
Shag chase, it's a game.
LAUGHTER Taking it up from kiss chase.
- Katherine, your five? - Mine is guise.
- G-U-I-S-E.
- Yep.
- And, Alan, your six? - Mine was chaise as in chaise longue.
- I don't know if we can have it without longue.
- Susie on this.
- Is it in there? - Susie, don't be a bitch.
Don't spoil a lovely evening.
- Yes! - Yeah! - Awesome! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Six points to Alan.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's well done! Ivan and Susie, could they have done any better? Well, no.
LAUGHTER - We got gauche.
- Gauche? - Could you use that in a sentence, please, Ivan? - Oh! It's Sean Connery in a movie going, "Oh, look, a gauche.
" - Woo-ooh! - OK, so Alan and Katherine have 19, John and Jason have 24.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - So it's 19 plays 24.
You could win this, Katherine and Alan.
- We will.
Fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's crucial Countdown conundrum.
Your time starts now.
BELL RINGS - Katherine Ryan.
- Oh, my gosh! - Downgrade.
- Let's have a look and see whether you're right.
- Oh! - Yes! CHEERING Katherine Ryan, everyone.
She believed in herself and she did it.
CHEERING Winning girl! - You too.
- Yeah! We did it! OK, so the final scores are John and Jason have 24 points but they've snatched the win with 29, Alan and Katherine! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Congratulations.
You're now the proud owner of this, the Countdown grandfather clock.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you watching from home.
That's it from us, good night.