8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s18e02 Episode Script
Victoria Coren Mitchell, James Acaster, Morgana Robinson
This programme contains strong language and adult humour CHEERING Tonight on 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Sean Locke, Jon Richardson, Victoria Coren Mitchell, James Acaster, Natalie Cassidy, Susie Dent, Rachel Riley, and your host, Jimmy Carr! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hello, and welcome to 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Sean Lock is a star, in that he's full of gas and if he explodes, he'll destroy everything around him.
Ah And joining Sean tonight, it's Victoria Coren Mitchell.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Victoria hosts Only Connect, which has been described as the toughest quiz on TV, presumably by someone who's never had to sit next to Sean Lock on this show.
Up against them this evening is Jon Richardson.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Jon gets anxious about stuff - he's what my old nan would call a worrywart, a fusspot, a flibbertigibbet, a nutjob, a weirdo twat.
He dotes on his nan though.
Dead, right? Dead? - Nan? - Yeah.
- Oh, long gone.
- Joke's on her.
- Yeah.
And Jon's team-mate, James Acaster.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Despite what you might think, James is very popular with the ladies, and those ladies are both his grandmothers.
- Dead? - Yeah, dead.
Jon, do you have any habits that annoy your wife? Well.
She told me once she wanted me to lose myself at a festival.
And I don't know if she means let rip and have some fun, or just go missing.
Probably the second one.
I think she wishes I'd let loose a bit more and not be so uptight, but when you're having a conversation with your wife about the things you do that might mean she divorces you one day, it's very difficult to let loose and relax.
Especially when you're writing 'em down.
James, you're up against some very tough competition tonight.
- Would you describe yourself as? - Myself as smart? Yes, I would.
LAUGHTER Does that answer your question, Jimmy? Yes, it does.
It actually asks it, as well.
Fairly smart, Jimmy.
I know all the numbers in a sudoku off by heart.
Test me on 'em.
Uh, what are the numbers in a sudoku? Pick one at random.
Nine eight.
Don't help me on any of these.
Six.
- Oh - What happens when we get to the end? Well, I ran my mouth off - it's really, all that can happen is You'd be surprised how tolerant a Countdown audience is to just counting.
Well, get ready, cos I think there's at least 50 more.
One, three I think soon you're going to forget which ones you haven't done, and now I'm genuinely gripped.
Two, four, five .
.
seven.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Er, Victoria, a question for you.
If you were on Death Row, what would be your final meal? Here's my thing with that question, what would you eat on Death Row, what's your final meal - people ask it.
It makes you think about Cos you wouldn't enjoy it, would you? Whatever it was, it would taste of ashes, because you're going to be imminently dead.
So it's thinking about how much you wouldn't enjoy it that really brings home the awful dread of finite consciousness.
Having said all that, probably KFC.
I suppose if you're in Death Row, food's not really your thing.
You're not a foodie.
You're more killie than foodie.
- Er, Sean, you're a very generous man.
- Yes.
- Do you get involved in helping your local community? - Yes, I do, Jimmy.
I've devoted quite a lot of money to my local dogfighting arena.
Well, I say arena - it's just a container with the lid peeled back.
They offered to name it after me, the Sean Lock Dogfighting Arena, but I said, "No, I don't wanna be seen as "some kind of local saint.
" It brought a, brought a lot of money to the area.
And dog shit.
OK, now, er, Victoria, have you got a mascot? I have got a mascot.
They told me that I couldn't have my phone on in the studio and it's tricky cos I'm quite addicted to Twitter.
So what I quickly did was just printed out the last ten minutes of Twitter before I came on.
Jesus.
Just so that I could I could flick through during the show.
Do you know what I mean? Because like sometimes when you're away from it, you sort of You wonder what's going on.
So I've just got it here, this is just the last ten minutes, so I can just Just to see what's going on.
It's not I like looking at the pictures, you know, like SIGHS You know, "Here's my dog in the snow.
" "Here are my tits.
" Er, my replies.
Cos the last tweet that I did before I came on, I said, "I'm going on Cats Does Countdown and I'm taking as my mascot "a printout of Twitter," so then I can see the replies.
This is, one of my fans has written, "Er, that's not funny.
You're not a comedian, "I don't know why you even do that props bit at the beginning.
"I don't laugh.
Also, you're a fat cow - "Mitchell could have done better.
" So, you know, that - It gets me in the mood - Encouragement.
- .
.
to quiz.
So I'm just sort of keeping in touch with what's going on in the world.
Nice - you can flick through those as the evening goes.
James, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I have, Jimmy.
- What have you got? When I come on this show, I get very worried that people are going to copy my answers.
Cos I'm so smart, like we established, they might try and see what I've written.
So I've brought something along that spies use to write in code, so no-one can read what I've written.
It's my code spy kit.
This.
And here's how it works, right? This looks like a candle.
It's a pen, you idiot! I can write here whatever I like, right? I'll write, like, whatever - I've written your name there.
- Right.
Oh, actually, I shouldn't tell you that.
It's a secret, cos it's a code.
What does that say? Probably nothing as far as you're concerned, you moron.
Thenlook.
I've got some paints here, right, and I'll just get my brush and then I'll paint over it .
.
just like this.
This is what all the spies do.
"Jimmy Stinks" - that was the secret message.
- Do you like that? - I mean, I love it, I think it's If I wanna write in bold, I bought that.
I've got this for mistakes, to just go over them in red and do things that way.
OK.
Jon, have you got a mascot? There's a lot of holidays in this country.
Frankly, too many.
People waste them with their family, let's be honest.
Nobody wants to, nobody wants an extra day off, you suddenly find you've got one and you're all in the same house.
You can't say, "I've got some shit to catch up on, if you don't mind.
" So you waste it.
Not my new day.
I'm launching Admin Day.
Er, it's a movable feast.
You book it in whenever you want.
Er, you tell your family, you tell your friends, "Nobody's allowed to contact me on this day.
" So, Admin Day, or as it's officially known, St Ryman's Day St Ryman is the patron saint of admin.
You nominate your Admin Day and the most exciting part of Admin Day is the month leading up to Admin Day where you get your adminvent calendar.
RATTLING LAUGHTER I think that went fine.
Yeah.
You pop this just above your kids' bed Are you Are you a little bit out of breath? I'm all right! I had a hernia anyway.
And running up to Admin Day, you open up your little adminvent calendar each day and you'll pull out a piece of stationery you might need.
Your highlighter - everyone uses a highlighter once, don't they, and then you highlight across ink, it gets dirty, you put it in the bin.
You've got, er, you've got rubbers in there, of course.
Both kinds - sometimes the excitement of admin overtakes Important to be safe.
Do you want some stationery? It might help with the show.
- Do you want a pen? - Yeah, man.
Oh! No, I don't.
Very clever.
Yeah.
And we've reached the end of the bit now, and the moment that I have to contemplate putting that thing back down again.
APPLAUSE Do you want a hand? All right.
- Do you want a hand? - Yeah, thanks.
Sean, have you got a mascot? Yes, I do, Jimmy.
I was lucky enough to be sent recently a copy of a newspaper from the day I was born.
22nd April, 1963, and here we go, it's the Simpler Times.
And as you can see, some, you know, some interesting news going on.
The ladder crisis had deepened at that point.
And as you can see, the national joy as felt tip pens are invented.
I mean, luckily enough, this day is quite an auspicious day, 22nd April, because it's the day they announced the finalists for the Cheekiest Chimney Sweep competition.
LAUGHTER So that's another lovely little part of the newspaper.
I mean, here, scientists say we're just ten years away from dry-roasted peanuts.
Er, PC goes mad - this is about a police constable who went mad.
Look at him - you can see he's on the turn there.
Is that What's the other story at the bottom there? I think "Carol Vorderman Joins Countdown" is there.
This is a story about the Horsham Warbler.
What it is, there was a fashion for gentleman to warble under women's windows.
To warble, sorry? Yeah, sort of go VIBRATES LIPS Unsolicited warbling.
WARBLES And there's a story about foreign muck.
Food survey Suggests "Foreign Muck" Becoming More Popular Than Our Traditional Boiled Stuff.
And on the back page, on the sports here, we've got this thing about Tennis Umpires Remain Grounded Due To Deepening Ladder Crisis.
LAUGHTER And there's one other article I wanna find cos it's about It's the Beatles album, the first album was released, er, that week.
And there's a really good piece in here about it.
Er "Beatles to release their first album.
" Is there a story on the other, the other side of that? Why don't I get more acting work? Sean Lock's newspaper, from the day of his birth.
APPLAUSE And over in Dictionary Corner, it's Natalie Cassidy.
Hello.
APPLAUSE Thank you, er, thank you very much for being here.
Oh, thank you, Jimmy, it's really nice.
It's really nice to be here, hello.
Are you busy at the moment? Anything coming up? Yeah.
I'm doing up my spare room, because my sister Kat has moved out.
She's gone Dubai for, like, a bit of table dancing for a year.
Some people get all the luck.
- So, yeah.
- How's that all going? Oh, really well, thank you.
So I've decided to go floral on the main feature wall then aubergine on the other three.
And then, now I know what my scheme is, I can go doolally in Dunelm.
- That's the plan.
- It sounds great.
Anyway, it's great to have you back where you belong on EastEnders.
You're sort of a regular fixture there now, aren't you? Yeah, sort of.
Yeah, it's lovely to be back in the Square, I really like it, it's lovely.
But, yeah, I just You get a bit nervous because you never know when someone's gonna just, you know, kill you off.
- Run you over or something.
- Yeah.
Do you have any sort of backup career plan? Oh, yeah, I'm a trained electrician.
OK, and with Natalie, of course, it's Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Susie recently went on tour.
Her show got five stars spread across five reviews.
Susie, we've got a proper EastEnder on the show tonight - any favourite Cockney phrases? Erpeople pop up in rhyming slang all the time, so modern rhyming slang, so kind of riffs on people's names - Lionel Blair, flares and Pete Tong, wrong.
And you, in fact, have a bit of rhyming slang named after you, which is Berkeley Hunt.
That's funny.
APPLAUSE And in charge of the numbers is Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Rachel has a degree in maths, physics and quantum mechanics.
Using her to do the numbers on Countdown is like using Susie Dent as a glorified spellchecker.
Which, thinking about it, is what we do.
Rachel, we've got some pretty smart people on the show tonight.
Who do you think is the biggest nerd? I've been thinking about this, actually, so I checked on the Urban Dictionary definition of nerd and a nerd is someone whose IQ is bigger than their weight.
So obviously it's Countdown's own Mr Jon Richardson.
- Is that good? - Yeah! - Sounds good.
Is that a nice thing? - I think it's a nice thing, I think you're - All right.
You're a tiny little fella but you're very clever.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown Beekeeping Kit.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING OK, let's Countdown, everyone, for the first time today.
Jon, James, you get the first pick of the letters.
Would you like to pick, or do you not care? Er, I'd like at least one consonant in there.
That's my only request.
Go for it.
All right, let's get that out of the way and then you can drift off.
- Oh, yeah.
- Start with D.
The best of all of theones.
Vowel, please.
A Consonant, please.
And another consonant, please.
R A vowel, please.
I And another vowel, please.
E Yeah, a consonant.
please? C And a consonant.
V - Oh - It's all right! And a final Go on.
Vowel! O Oh, no.
OK, and for the first time today, here is the Countdown clock.
JURASSIC PARK THEME THUNDER CRASHES DINOSAUR ROARS DINOSAUR ROARS FOOTSTEPS THUMP Aww! What? I thought it was a dinosaur, but it's just, it's just a dog dressed up.
- Is the game fin No? - Yeah.
This is the bit they don't put on telly, where we keep going.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Go on, go on.
Hey, hey! Fuck off.
All right.
Er, how many did you get, Jon? - Seven.
- OK, James? - Six.
- Six? - Yeah.
- Sean, how many? - Six.
- Victoria? I think eight.
Ooh.
AUDIENCE OOHS James, let's hear your six.
TRACED Well, I mean, that couldn't be more perfect.
- Yes, I was quite happy with that.
- Yeah, as well you should be.
Your six, Sean.
TIRADE Jon, your seven.
CAROTID EVERYONE OOHS As in sort of carotid artery sort of thing, yeah.
- SUSIE: Yeah, excellent.
- Thank you.
Good Countdown word, that one.
Victoria Coren Mitchell.
CAVORTED.
- Brilliant.
- Oh, lovely.
- CAVORTED.
APPLAUSE CAVORTED! So, hey, that's pretty impressive.
I mean, for Cats Countdown, that's a remarkable thing.
That never happens.
Could they have done any better? Susie's written down DEVIATOR, eight.
So that's as good as eight, so it's equal.
So at the end of that, Sean and Victoria are in the lead with eight.
Impressive.
OK, onto our first numbers round.
Sean, Victoria, you get the pick of the numbers.
OK, I'll have my usual, please, Rachel.
The usual, Seany special - two from the top, four little, and they are 2, 7, 3, 10, 100 and 25.
And the target, 561.
OK.
So, your target is 561, your time starts now.
Candles down.
OK, so, Victoria, did you get it? I'm nowhere.
I can make7.
OK, Sean, did you get it? Nah.
Well Yeah, I reckon I did get near it.
OK.
Jon, did you get it? I got 560.
- Oh! - James, did you get it? 500, I got.
OK, so Sean, did you get it? Yeah.
How How did you get it? Well, let's have a think about this.
Just explain your method.
I reckon the 25? - The 25.
- Is that any help at all? - Yeah.
Times something like3.
3 times No.
- I reckon it's - The 100? By100.
- Why am I helping this bullshit? - Is 4? 100 x 25.
100 x 25 = 2,500.
Oh, 100 - 25? Yeah, then you times that by7.
- Yeah.
- And that gets you to 525, then you add your 3 with your 10 That's time 3, times 10.
With the 2.
- Well done, Sean! - Yeah.
That's amazing - 561.
- I got it right.
- Yeah! 561.
Well done, Sean.
Yes, that's how you That's one way of doing it.
Jon, how did you get 560, for the points? Really? You could see the cracks in that, could you? - Jon? - 25 + 3 25 + 3 = 28 x 2 x 2 = 56.
- X 10 - That'll do, 1 away.
Oh, that's really clever.
So at the end of that I can tell you that Victoria and Sean have 8, Jon and James have 7.
APPLAUSE Well, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Natalie, what have you got for us? Well, basically, it's a bit unprofessional, but I've got a voiceover tomorrow, and I need to practise with somebody.
It's for a radio thing - will you do it with me? - Yeah, sure.
- Is that OK? It's a bloke's part, that's you, and we'll just play it natural, yeah? - Is that all right? - Yeah, sure, go ahead.
Hello, I'm Natalie Cassidy, and let me tell you, like a lot of busy British mums, stress don't half go to my bum! I mean, here I am, getting ready for a celebrity party and trying to get the kids to bed and I can feel it flaring up already.
Maybe I can be of assistance.
Who are you, then? I'm the bum fairy.
There's no such thing! Yes, there is, and whatever's wrong with your bum, Bum Fairy all-purpose bum cream for busy mums does the trick.
So how can I help? Well, you could start by helping to calm down the heat rash that came on this afternoon, when I went to LaserQuest in a pair of thick tights.
That sounds like That sounds like a bummer.
You're telling me You're telling me, mate! And it hasn't made it easier that I've been eating nothing but strong cheddar all week.
Ooh, it sounds like you need my soothing action.
I wouldn't say no, mate, especially with these bloody piles playing up.
Let me take care of that.
Cheers, mate.
What did you say your name was again? I'm the bum fairy.
I'm starting to think Is this whole bit just designed so I say, "I'm the bum fairy"? Susie made me do it.
Natalie Cassidy, everyone.
And here is your teaser.
The words are LESS BUT and the clue is "be discreet".
That's LESS BUTT, "be discreet", see you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back, the answer to the teaser, the words were LESSBUTT, the clue was "be discreet", it was, of course, subtlest.
OK, so Sean and Victoria are in the lead.
- Yes.
- On with the game.
Time for another letters round.
Sean and Victoria, your turn to choose.
Could I have a consonant, please? R.
And another consonant.
S.
And another consonant.
N.
Vowel, please.
- I.
- Vowel.
U.
Another vowel, please.
E.
A consonant.
T.
Consonant.
B.
Do you want a vowel or a consonant? Ooh, I'd like a, hmm, ooh, I'd like a consonant please.
Another consonant please.
And Y.
Uh, I wish I hadn't had a consonant now.
I feel a bit sick.
LAUGHTER OK, your time starts now.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Oh! OK, um, Jon, how many? Seven.
James, how many? I'm going to put the candle down.
LAUGHTER Um, I got, um seven.
Seven? Um, Sean, how many? Um, six.
You can't take your eyes off it, can you, Sean? LAUGHTER Wish I had one like that.
LAUGHTER Instead of this monster.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Victoria, how many? I mean, I'm incredibly distracted.
Yeah.
But why? It's just It's a lovely shower cap, isn't it? I mean, is? Are you? Is? I mean Victoria, how many? I'll say seven, I don't know if it's a word, I don't know if I'm saying words now.
It's a funny place to have a piercing.
I'm going to, I'm going to get my dressing gown, hang on.
I've done this show three times, that's happened twice.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Big hand there for Jimmy's tiny knob.
LAUGHTER Sean, what was your six? Buries.
Buries? Ah, probably inspired by my testicles.
There's another word on there inspired by your dick.
LAUGHTER Victoria, your seven.
Um, bunters, is that a word? - Susie Dent, is it a word? - No, I'm afraid not.
It's the proper noun, Billy Bunter, sorry.
Um, James, your seven? - Bruisey.
- Bruisey? - Bruisey.
Bruisey Susie.
- With an E? - With an E.
Um, no.
No? Not there, I'm afraid.
Jon, your seven? I think I was influenced by you as well Jimmy, bustier.
- Good.
- You've got a cracking bustier.
Seven points to Jon.
APPLAUSE Natalie Cassidy off of EastEnders, could they have done any better? Yes, there's an eight what Susie's writ down, it's turbines.
OK, so at the end of that Sean and Victoria have eight, Jon and James have 14.
APPLAUSE OK, they've been playing in teams so far, - but this game is just for Jon and Victoria.
- Oh! Jon, your turn to pick the numbers.
I would like six small ones, please? No big ones? Coming up.
One, three, eight, five, four and seven.
Oh, my God.
And the target, 299.
OK, and your time starts now.
Good luck, Jon.
Yeah, go on Jon, you can do it.
- Go on, Jon.
- "Go on, Jon.
" This really helps me when you both shout at me like that.
Go on.
I reckon you've got the best chance.
VICTORIA: Thank you.
Come on, Jon, you prick.
You're so good at numbers as well.
There's no way anyone could ever beat you.
Oh, you're an arsehole.
You're all arseholes.
LAUGHTER Ask Jon first.
I reckon Jon's only gone and bloody done it, hasn't he? No, he might have, if people weren't shouting at him the whole time.
We weren't.
Victoria, did you get it? No, I didn't get it.
Oh, I've got it, I've got it.
You haven't got it.
And not for telly, but just for my life.
How did you get it? Five times four is 20.
Yeah.
Eight plus seven is 15.
Yeah.
- Multiply them together.
- 300.
- And take off the 1.
- Lovely.
299.
APPLAUSE OK, well, no points to anyone on that round.
Yay.
OK, so Sean and Victoria have eight, Jon and James have 14.
APPLAUSE OK, time now to go over to Dictionary Corner and Natalie, are you, are you sticking round for a drink after the show? I'd love to, but I've got to go charity shop.
Are you donating? Yes, I just, it makes you feel good, giving stuff to charity.
That's very conscientious of you.
What are you, what are you dropping off? Well, what have I got here? Aw, me little Jane MacDonald CD, in very good condish, even though I've played it within an inch of its life.
But, um, Jane, if you're watching, I am still your biggest fan, I've just got you on Spotify now, babe.
Oh, this is going to be a hard goodbye, me little wooden owl.
I used to do me lesbian Sonia lines to him.
Cor, dear, if owls could talk, eh? It seems a shame to get rid of that.
Yeah, but I don't know, he just looks a bit, he's looking at me funny, do you know what I mean? He's a bit noncy.
Yeah, owls can be like that.
Um.
Oh, here we go.
This is my 2001 British Soap Award Winners basket, hamper basket.
Are you sure you're ready to let go of the box? It sounds pretty precious.
Well, the thing is, Jimmy .
.
past is another country, ain't it? I mean, one minute you're just a little girl flying across the gymnastics floor like paper in the wind, next minute you're acting on a TV set with Michael Greco.
LAUGHTER And suddenly, it's the Soap Awards 2001 and you wake up pinching yourself and there's a hamper on your doorstep full of cheese and pickles and breadsticks and things you've never dreamt of.
And you're too young to drink the wine, so your dad tucks in, and he's half cut and he tells you .
.
that you've done him proud.
And it's enough, you know? Saying that, I keep me dog toys in it.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Natalie Cassidy, everyone.
And here is your teaser.
The words are FIREPLOP, the clue is "not as hard as you thought.
" That's FIREPLOP, "not as hard as you thought.
" See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were FIRE PLOP, the clue was - not as hard as you thought.
It was, of course, FLOPPIER.
OK, time now for a quick bonus round.
Victoria hosts Only Connect, which is the smartest quiz on TV, but this is Cats Countdown, so once again we're going to test our teams with the stupidest quiz on television.
OK, picture round first.
Take a look at this.
Can you tell me - is that a picture James Acaster's hair or a Highland cow? - That's James' hair.
- No I think that's a Highland cow, personally.
And if it's methis is going to be the worst day of my life.
So, James and Jon are saying Highland cow.
Sean and Victoria are saying James Acaster.
Oh, so help me God, that better be a Highland cow.
OK, well, I can tell you, it is a Highland cow.
Yeah! Thank God! A little bit of fun for you - that picture was taken in 2016, so that cow is now dead.
What happened to it - did it walk into a road and couldn't see what was coming? Classic fringe accident.
I think you'll be all right on that front.
- Time to test your celebrity knowledge now.
- That was tense.
Sean looked like he was gonna spark you out.
Time to test your celebrity knowledge now.
We've got pictures of some celebrity waxworks from Louis Tussaud's in Niagara Falls - all you have to do is identify them.
So, who is this? It's a feverish and frankly ill-looking gentleman.
Who do you think that might be? Is that a waxwork or a person? That is a waxwork of a person.
OK, so what have you gone for? James? John Travolta.
John Travolta, it's a pretty good guess.
That collar doing a lot of the work there.
Sean, who do you think? Steven Seagal.
Let's have a look.
It is, in fact Tom Cruise.
OK, next waxwork.
This should be easier.
I know who it is.
Could you just zoom in on the name badge? It's quite fitting, answering these questions with a candle, innit? That's enough to make a whole Jon Richardson, that is.
OK, so who do you think? Princess Anne.
We're seeing it at different angles.
I thought it was Art Garfunkel.
You know a waxwork is not brilliant when you can't tell whether it's Art Garfunkel or Princess Anne.
Who do you think it might be, Jon? Helen Daniels - Neighbours.
So, it's a waxwork museum in Niagara Falls.
- Yeah, but - And you think it might be Helen Daniels off of Neighbours? As she looks now.
It is in factour queen.
That is a waxwork of the queen.
I mean, we tried to help them along with the crazy hair they've decided our queen definitely has.
Well, Princess Anne was close - I should get points for Princess Anne.
It's when the queen was going through her Princess Anne phase.
OK, last question.
Which one of these is not a real person? I mean, Barth Toothman, I don't think I understand what the joke is.
- It's just got tooth in it.
- He's a dentist - he's called Toothman.
Right.
Well, that must be real cos its not funny.
Like my latest DVD.
We think its policeman Nick Ladds.
- I think it's your least funny so far.
- Do you? - Yeah.
I'll take the insult, it's what we do, but the round of applause can fuck right off.
There's a camera on the audience - I'll be watching this footage back.
You've all had to apply, you've all had your bags searched, there's an address for every one of you on that list, now you can expect some warbling under your windows.
OK, so you're saying the fake one is Nick Ladds.
- What do you think, Victoria? - You choose.
- Well, I thought C as well, so if not, then B.
- Really? - The spider expert, yeah.
- Really? Go on We'll say F, then.
F.
- No, no, you choose.
- No, no - You decide.
Cos I've been wrong every time.
You're wrong about my fucking DVD.
You're going F - vasectomy specialist Dick Chopp? Well, I can tell you the answer is C - Policeman Nick Ladds is not real.
APPLAUSE OK, so Jon and James you are the winners of this stupidest quiz on TV.
Five bonus points to you.
Oh, yes! OK, on with the game.
Jon and James, your turn to choose the letters.
- I didn't enjoy that at all.
- We didn't do well.
I'm like a racehorse, Jimmy, I'm a pedigree Countdown Quiz Man.
I'm not just some donkey you drag in to spot waxworks and stupid bits of hair.
I'm an artist.
OK, on with the game.
OK, Jon, James, choose your letters.
Can I have five vowels and four consonants, please? Sure.
Going long on the vowels.
A O E I O Then you've got M S T and H.
OK, and your time starts now.
James Acaster, how many did you get? - Five.
- Five? - Yeah.
Yeah, that's OK.
Jon, how many? Six.
Sean? Yeah, well, as a top Countdown player - A specialist, I believe you said.
- Yes.
- A racehorse.
The ground was not quite right for me today.
I felt that it - It's five.
- You got five, did you? Five! Yes.
Victoria, how many did you get? Well, six.
Again, it might not be in the dictionary, but I've got six.
OK, your five, James? Apologies to the people who don't like this word - MOIST.
Look away, Susie.
Sean, your five? They say there's no "S" in team, don't they? But there is in STEAM.
He's back to his best! That is a You know what? That right there - that's a racehorse, that's a professional Countdown player.
OK, Jon, your six? - SMOOTH.
- SMOOTH? They say there's no "S" in mooth.
- That's annoying, isn't it? - Victoria, what happened? No, no, no.
I've just noticed there's an eight, but I didn't say eight.
So let's stick with six.
What was the eight that you didn't say? - SMOOTHIE.
- Yeah.
Yeah, you missed by a bee's dick.
- That's not what I got, though.
- You should have got that, Jon.
- What did you get? - HOMIES.
Yes, and you can put a on there for HOMIEST.
- I wondered about HOMIEST.
- It's American for homely.
- Yeah, it's a word.
- Natalie, did you get any? - Yeah.
MOTHS.
I like the way you say it.
I think that might be a nine-letter word, the way you pronounce it.
- Say it again.
- If you take your time saying it, it sounds like there's more letters in there - m-o-f-f-f-f-s.
Me tongue's too big for me mouth, what's the problem? Quite a Jamie Oliver tongue, isn't it? At least I've got eyes that I can actually see through.
- Well, no I've got eyes - People who throw stones.
People who live in glass houses, shouldn't be, you know, 'ave little piss 'oles in the snow.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, so at the end of that Sean and Victoria have 14, Jon and James have 25.
And here is your final teaser, the words are RIPE NADS, the clue is - see your doctor.
That's RIPE NADS - see your doctor.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were RIPE NADS and the clue was - see your doctor.
It was of course SPRAINED.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean, Victoria, your turn to choose.
And you can still win this.
I'll have a consonant, please.
S And a vowel.
A Consonant.
Vowel.
E A consonant.
L A vowel, please.
U A consonant.
F A vowel, please.
A - And a consonant.
- And L OK, and your time starts now.
Sean's real age, 67.
Susie on the wine, 69.
Jon's a bore, 44.
- Bingo! - Bingo! No! No! I said it first! - I said it first! It's mine! - I still won! - No! No! MINE! APPLAUSE Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can BOTH have a toaster.
APPLAUSE - Sean, how many? - No, no, ask Jon.
Sorry, Sean, my apologies.
Jon, how many? - Seven.
- Seven! OK.
How do you feel about that, Sean? - Hmmm - James, how many? - Definitely got six.
- And is there a riskier one? There's a seven that I'd never heard said as a word before that - I kind of - You're a maverick.
You don't play by everyone else's rules.
- I'd say go for it.
- Sometimes I need to be reminded of that.
OK, so seven from Jon, seven from James.
Victoria, how many? - Well, there's a definite seven.
- Seven.
OK, what about you, Sean? - How many? - Six, Jimmy .
.
which is only one less than seven.
Yeah.
What's your six? VOICE BREAKS: FLUTES.
Sorry, how's that pronounced? SEAN CLEARS HIS THROA Excuse me.
DEEP VOICE: FLUTES.
- All right, James, your risky seven.
- This is not a word.
- I put SATEFUL.
- SATEFUL? - You know sated, like if you feel sated? - Yeah.
And some words end with -ful.
SATEFUL? SATEFUL.
Is it a word, Susie? And don't be a dick about this.
- No.
- Come on, Susie, check proper.
It's under S.
Jon, your seven? FULLES FULLEST? Mm! APPLAUSE That's a grudging round of applause.
Victoria, your definite seven that's definitely a word? I had FULLEST as well, although, for the sake of variety, maybe FATALES you can have in the plural.
- Only with "femmes".
- OK, well, in that case, FULLEST.
Seven points to both teams! APPLAUSE OK.
Natalie Cassidy, could they have done any better? No.
OK, so Sean and Victoria have 21, Jon and James have 32! APPLAUSE OK, fingers on buzzers, time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
I'm not going to bother, because we can't win.
So .
.
I might as well just go back to the paddock, cool down .
.
chow down on some oats and prepare for the next race.
No, I'm not even going to look.
No, cos I'm so trained, once I look at it, I'll have to try and get it.
It's a shame we haven't got Sean's blinkers.
Be careful with him when you're buzzing, as well, cos he's easily startled.
Your time starts now.
BUZZER - Jon? - DUCKLINGS DUCKLINGS! Let's have a look.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's three seconds.
Three seconds.
So, the final scores are Sean and Victoria have 21, Jon and James are the winners with 42! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So congratulations to Jon and James.
You're now the proud owner of this, the Countdown beekeeping kit! Thanks to our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to you for watching.
That's it from us, goodnight!
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Sean Lock is a star, in that he's full of gas and if he explodes, he'll destroy everything around him.
Ah And joining Sean tonight, it's Victoria Coren Mitchell.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Victoria hosts Only Connect, which has been described as the toughest quiz on TV, presumably by someone who's never had to sit next to Sean Lock on this show.
Up against them this evening is Jon Richardson.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Jon gets anxious about stuff - he's what my old nan would call a worrywart, a fusspot, a flibbertigibbet, a nutjob, a weirdo twat.
He dotes on his nan though.
Dead, right? Dead? - Nan? - Yeah.
- Oh, long gone.
- Joke's on her.
- Yeah.
And Jon's team-mate, James Acaster.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Despite what you might think, James is very popular with the ladies, and those ladies are both his grandmothers.
- Dead? - Yeah, dead.
Jon, do you have any habits that annoy your wife? Well.
She told me once she wanted me to lose myself at a festival.
And I don't know if she means let rip and have some fun, or just go missing.
Probably the second one.
I think she wishes I'd let loose a bit more and not be so uptight, but when you're having a conversation with your wife about the things you do that might mean she divorces you one day, it's very difficult to let loose and relax.
Especially when you're writing 'em down.
James, you're up against some very tough competition tonight.
- Would you describe yourself as? - Myself as smart? Yes, I would.
LAUGHTER Does that answer your question, Jimmy? Yes, it does.
It actually asks it, as well.
Fairly smart, Jimmy.
I know all the numbers in a sudoku off by heart.
Test me on 'em.
Uh, what are the numbers in a sudoku? Pick one at random.
Nine eight.
Don't help me on any of these.
Six.
- Oh - What happens when we get to the end? Well, I ran my mouth off - it's really, all that can happen is You'd be surprised how tolerant a Countdown audience is to just counting.
Well, get ready, cos I think there's at least 50 more.
One, three I think soon you're going to forget which ones you haven't done, and now I'm genuinely gripped.
Two, four, five .
.
seven.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Er, Victoria, a question for you.
If you were on Death Row, what would be your final meal? Here's my thing with that question, what would you eat on Death Row, what's your final meal - people ask it.
It makes you think about Cos you wouldn't enjoy it, would you? Whatever it was, it would taste of ashes, because you're going to be imminently dead.
So it's thinking about how much you wouldn't enjoy it that really brings home the awful dread of finite consciousness.
Having said all that, probably KFC.
I suppose if you're in Death Row, food's not really your thing.
You're not a foodie.
You're more killie than foodie.
- Er, Sean, you're a very generous man.
- Yes.
- Do you get involved in helping your local community? - Yes, I do, Jimmy.
I've devoted quite a lot of money to my local dogfighting arena.
Well, I say arena - it's just a container with the lid peeled back.
They offered to name it after me, the Sean Lock Dogfighting Arena, but I said, "No, I don't wanna be seen as "some kind of local saint.
" It brought a, brought a lot of money to the area.
And dog shit.
OK, now, er, Victoria, have you got a mascot? I have got a mascot.
They told me that I couldn't have my phone on in the studio and it's tricky cos I'm quite addicted to Twitter.
So what I quickly did was just printed out the last ten minutes of Twitter before I came on.
Jesus.
Just so that I could I could flick through during the show.
Do you know what I mean? Because like sometimes when you're away from it, you sort of You wonder what's going on.
So I've just got it here, this is just the last ten minutes, so I can just Just to see what's going on.
It's not I like looking at the pictures, you know, like SIGHS You know, "Here's my dog in the snow.
" "Here are my tits.
" Er, my replies.
Cos the last tweet that I did before I came on, I said, "I'm going on Cats Does Countdown and I'm taking as my mascot "a printout of Twitter," so then I can see the replies.
This is, one of my fans has written, "Er, that's not funny.
You're not a comedian, "I don't know why you even do that props bit at the beginning.
"I don't laugh.
Also, you're a fat cow - "Mitchell could have done better.
" So, you know, that - It gets me in the mood - Encouragement.
- .
.
to quiz.
So I'm just sort of keeping in touch with what's going on in the world.
Nice - you can flick through those as the evening goes.
James, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I have, Jimmy.
- What have you got? When I come on this show, I get very worried that people are going to copy my answers.
Cos I'm so smart, like we established, they might try and see what I've written.
So I've brought something along that spies use to write in code, so no-one can read what I've written.
It's my code spy kit.
This.
And here's how it works, right? This looks like a candle.
It's a pen, you idiot! I can write here whatever I like, right? I'll write, like, whatever - I've written your name there.
- Right.
Oh, actually, I shouldn't tell you that.
It's a secret, cos it's a code.
What does that say? Probably nothing as far as you're concerned, you moron.
Thenlook.
I've got some paints here, right, and I'll just get my brush and then I'll paint over it .
.
just like this.
This is what all the spies do.
"Jimmy Stinks" - that was the secret message.
- Do you like that? - I mean, I love it, I think it's If I wanna write in bold, I bought that.
I've got this for mistakes, to just go over them in red and do things that way.
OK.
Jon, have you got a mascot? There's a lot of holidays in this country.
Frankly, too many.
People waste them with their family, let's be honest.
Nobody wants to, nobody wants an extra day off, you suddenly find you've got one and you're all in the same house.
You can't say, "I've got some shit to catch up on, if you don't mind.
" So you waste it.
Not my new day.
I'm launching Admin Day.
Er, it's a movable feast.
You book it in whenever you want.
Er, you tell your family, you tell your friends, "Nobody's allowed to contact me on this day.
" So, Admin Day, or as it's officially known, St Ryman's Day St Ryman is the patron saint of admin.
You nominate your Admin Day and the most exciting part of Admin Day is the month leading up to Admin Day where you get your adminvent calendar.
RATTLING LAUGHTER I think that went fine.
Yeah.
You pop this just above your kids' bed Are you Are you a little bit out of breath? I'm all right! I had a hernia anyway.
And running up to Admin Day, you open up your little adminvent calendar each day and you'll pull out a piece of stationery you might need.
Your highlighter - everyone uses a highlighter once, don't they, and then you highlight across ink, it gets dirty, you put it in the bin.
You've got, er, you've got rubbers in there, of course.
Both kinds - sometimes the excitement of admin overtakes Important to be safe.
Do you want some stationery? It might help with the show.
- Do you want a pen? - Yeah, man.
Oh! No, I don't.
Very clever.
Yeah.
And we've reached the end of the bit now, and the moment that I have to contemplate putting that thing back down again.
APPLAUSE Do you want a hand? All right.
- Do you want a hand? - Yeah, thanks.
Sean, have you got a mascot? Yes, I do, Jimmy.
I was lucky enough to be sent recently a copy of a newspaper from the day I was born.
22nd April, 1963, and here we go, it's the Simpler Times.
And as you can see, some, you know, some interesting news going on.
The ladder crisis had deepened at that point.
And as you can see, the national joy as felt tip pens are invented.
I mean, luckily enough, this day is quite an auspicious day, 22nd April, because it's the day they announced the finalists for the Cheekiest Chimney Sweep competition.
LAUGHTER So that's another lovely little part of the newspaper.
I mean, here, scientists say we're just ten years away from dry-roasted peanuts.
Er, PC goes mad - this is about a police constable who went mad.
Look at him - you can see he's on the turn there.
Is that What's the other story at the bottom there? I think "Carol Vorderman Joins Countdown" is there.
This is a story about the Horsham Warbler.
What it is, there was a fashion for gentleman to warble under women's windows.
To warble, sorry? Yeah, sort of go VIBRATES LIPS Unsolicited warbling.
WARBLES And there's a story about foreign muck.
Food survey Suggests "Foreign Muck" Becoming More Popular Than Our Traditional Boiled Stuff.
And on the back page, on the sports here, we've got this thing about Tennis Umpires Remain Grounded Due To Deepening Ladder Crisis.
LAUGHTER And there's one other article I wanna find cos it's about It's the Beatles album, the first album was released, er, that week.
And there's a really good piece in here about it.
Er "Beatles to release their first album.
" Is there a story on the other, the other side of that? Why don't I get more acting work? Sean Lock's newspaper, from the day of his birth.
APPLAUSE And over in Dictionary Corner, it's Natalie Cassidy.
Hello.
APPLAUSE Thank you, er, thank you very much for being here.
Oh, thank you, Jimmy, it's really nice.
It's really nice to be here, hello.
Are you busy at the moment? Anything coming up? Yeah.
I'm doing up my spare room, because my sister Kat has moved out.
She's gone Dubai for, like, a bit of table dancing for a year.
Some people get all the luck.
- So, yeah.
- How's that all going? Oh, really well, thank you.
So I've decided to go floral on the main feature wall then aubergine on the other three.
And then, now I know what my scheme is, I can go doolally in Dunelm.
- That's the plan.
- It sounds great.
Anyway, it's great to have you back where you belong on EastEnders.
You're sort of a regular fixture there now, aren't you? Yeah, sort of.
Yeah, it's lovely to be back in the Square, I really like it, it's lovely.
But, yeah, I just You get a bit nervous because you never know when someone's gonna just, you know, kill you off.
- Run you over or something.
- Yeah.
Do you have any sort of backup career plan? Oh, yeah, I'm a trained electrician.
OK, and with Natalie, of course, it's Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Susie recently went on tour.
Her show got five stars spread across five reviews.
Susie, we've got a proper EastEnder on the show tonight - any favourite Cockney phrases? Erpeople pop up in rhyming slang all the time, so modern rhyming slang, so kind of riffs on people's names - Lionel Blair, flares and Pete Tong, wrong.
And you, in fact, have a bit of rhyming slang named after you, which is Berkeley Hunt.
That's funny.
APPLAUSE And in charge of the numbers is Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Rachel has a degree in maths, physics and quantum mechanics.
Using her to do the numbers on Countdown is like using Susie Dent as a glorified spellchecker.
Which, thinking about it, is what we do.
Rachel, we've got some pretty smart people on the show tonight.
Who do you think is the biggest nerd? I've been thinking about this, actually, so I checked on the Urban Dictionary definition of nerd and a nerd is someone whose IQ is bigger than their weight.
So obviously it's Countdown's own Mr Jon Richardson.
- Is that good? - Yeah! - Sounds good.
Is that a nice thing? - I think it's a nice thing, I think you're - All right.
You're a tiny little fella but you're very clever.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown Beekeeping Kit.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING OK, let's Countdown, everyone, for the first time today.
Jon, James, you get the first pick of the letters.
Would you like to pick, or do you not care? Er, I'd like at least one consonant in there.
That's my only request.
Go for it.
All right, let's get that out of the way and then you can drift off.
- Oh, yeah.
- Start with D.
The best of all of theones.
Vowel, please.
A Consonant, please.
And another consonant, please.
R A vowel, please.
I And another vowel, please.
E Yeah, a consonant.
please? C And a consonant.
V - Oh - It's all right! And a final Go on.
Vowel! O Oh, no.
OK, and for the first time today, here is the Countdown clock.
JURASSIC PARK THEME THUNDER CRASHES DINOSAUR ROARS DINOSAUR ROARS FOOTSTEPS THUMP Aww! What? I thought it was a dinosaur, but it's just, it's just a dog dressed up.
- Is the game fin No? - Yeah.
This is the bit they don't put on telly, where we keep going.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Go on, go on.
Hey, hey! Fuck off.
All right.
Er, how many did you get, Jon? - Seven.
- OK, James? - Six.
- Six? - Yeah.
- Sean, how many? - Six.
- Victoria? I think eight.
Ooh.
AUDIENCE OOHS James, let's hear your six.
TRACED Well, I mean, that couldn't be more perfect.
- Yes, I was quite happy with that.
- Yeah, as well you should be.
Your six, Sean.
TIRADE Jon, your seven.
CAROTID EVERYONE OOHS As in sort of carotid artery sort of thing, yeah.
- SUSIE: Yeah, excellent.
- Thank you.
Good Countdown word, that one.
Victoria Coren Mitchell.
CAVORTED.
- Brilliant.
- Oh, lovely.
- CAVORTED.
APPLAUSE CAVORTED! So, hey, that's pretty impressive.
I mean, for Cats Countdown, that's a remarkable thing.
That never happens.
Could they have done any better? Susie's written down DEVIATOR, eight.
So that's as good as eight, so it's equal.
So at the end of that, Sean and Victoria are in the lead with eight.
Impressive.
OK, onto our first numbers round.
Sean, Victoria, you get the pick of the numbers.
OK, I'll have my usual, please, Rachel.
The usual, Seany special - two from the top, four little, and they are 2, 7, 3, 10, 100 and 25.
And the target, 561.
OK.
So, your target is 561, your time starts now.
Candles down.
OK, so, Victoria, did you get it? I'm nowhere.
I can make7.
OK, Sean, did you get it? Nah.
Well Yeah, I reckon I did get near it.
OK.
Jon, did you get it? I got 560.
- Oh! - James, did you get it? 500, I got.
OK, so Sean, did you get it? Yeah.
How How did you get it? Well, let's have a think about this.
Just explain your method.
I reckon the 25? - The 25.
- Is that any help at all? - Yeah.
Times something like3.
3 times No.
- I reckon it's - The 100? By100.
- Why am I helping this bullshit? - Is 4? 100 x 25.
100 x 25 = 2,500.
Oh, 100 - 25? Yeah, then you times that by7.
- Yeah.
- And that gets you to 525, then you add your 3 with your 10 That's time 3, times 10.
With the 2.
- Well done, Sean! - Yeah.
That's amazing - 561.
- I got it right.
- Yeah! 561.
Well done, Sean.
Yes, that's how you That's one way of doing it.
Jon, how did you get 560, for the points? Really? You could see the cracks in that, could you? - Jon? - 25 + 3 25 + 3 = 28 x 2 x 2 = 56.
- X 10 - That'll do, 1 away.
Oh, that's really clever.
So at the end of that I can tell you that Victoria and Sean have 8, Jon and James have 7.
APPLAUSE Well, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Natalie, what have you got for us? Well, basically, it's a bit unprofessional, but I've got a voiceover tomorrow, and I need to practise with somebody.
It's for a radio thing - will you do it with me? - Yeah, sure.
- Is that OK? It's a bloke's part, that's you, and we'll just play it natural, yeah? - Is that all right? - Yeah, sure, go ahead.
Hello, I'm Natalie Cassidy, and let me tell you, like a lot of busy British mums, stress don't half go to my bum! I mean, here I am, getting ready for a celebrity party and trying to get the kids to bed and I can feel it flaring up already.
Maybe I can be of assistance.
Who are you, then? I'm the bum fairy.
There's no such thing! Yes, there is, and whatever's wrong with your bum, Bum Fairy all-purpose bum cream for busy mums does the trick.
So how can I help? Well, you could start by helping to calm down the heat rash that came on this afternoon, when I went to LaserQuest in a pair of thick tights.
That sounds like That sounds like a bummer.
You're telling me You're telling me, mate! And it hasn't made it easier that I've been eating nothing but strong cheddar all week.
Ooh, it sounds like you need my soothing action.
I wouldn't say no, mate, especially with these bloody piles playing up.
Let me take care of that.
Cheers, mate.
What did you say your name was again? I'm the bum fairy.
I'm starting to think Is this whole bit just designed so I say, "I'm the bum fairy"? Susie made me do it.
Natalie Cassidy, everyone.
And here is your teaser.
The words are LESS BUT and the clue is "be discreet".
That's LESS BUTT, "be discreet", see you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back, the answer to the teaser, the words were LESSBUTT, the clue was "be discreet", it was, of course, subtlest.
OK, so Sean and Victoria are in the lead.
- Yes.
- On with the game.
Time for another letters round.
Sean and Victoria, your turn to choose.
Could I have a consonant, please? R.
And another consonant.
S.
And another consonant.
N.
Vowel, please.
- I.
- Vowel.
U.
Another vowel, please.
E.
A consonant.
T.
Consonant.
B.
Do you want a vowel or a consonant? Ooh, I'd like a, hmm, ooh, I'd like a consonant please.
Another consonant please.
And Y.
Uh, I wish I hadn't had a consonant now.
I feel a bit sick.
LAUGHTER OK, your time starts now.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Oh! OK, um, Jon, how many? Seven.
James, how many? I'm going to put the candle down.
LAUGHTER Um, I got, um seven.
Seven? Um, Sean, how many? Um, six.
You can't take your eyes off it, can you, Sean? LAUGHTER Wish I had one like that.
LAUGHTER Instead of this monster.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Victoria, how many? I mean, I'm incredibly distracted.
Yeah.
But why? It's just It's a lovely shower cap, isn't it? I mean, is? Are you? Is? I mean Victoria, how many? I'll say seven, I don't know if it's a word, I don't know if I'm saying words now.
It's a funny place to have a piercing.
I'm going to, I'm going to get my dressing gown, hang on.
I've done this show three times, that's happened twice.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Big hand there for Jimmy's tiny knob.
LAUGHTER Sean, what was your six? Buries.
Buries? Ah, probably inspired by my testicles.
There's another word on there inspired by your dick.
LAUGHTER Victoria, your seven.
Um, bunters, is that a word? - Susie Dent, is it a word? - No, I'm afraid not.
It's the proper noun, Billy Bunter, sorry.
Um, James, your seven? - Bruisey.
- Bruisey? - Bruisey.
Bruisey Susie.
- With an E? - With an E.
Um, no.
No? Not there, I'm afraid.
Jon, your seven? I think I was influenced by you as well Jimmy, bustier.
- Good.
- You've got a cracking bustier.
Seven points to Jon.
APPLAUSE Natalie Cassidy off of EastEnders, could they have done any better? Yes, there's an eight what Susie's writ down, it's turbines.
OK, so at the end of that Sean and Victoria have eight, Jon and James have 14.
APPLAUSE OK, they've been playing in teams so far, - but this game is just for Jon and Victoria.
- Oh! Jon, your turn to pick the numbers.
I would like six small ones, please? No big ones? Coming up.
One, three, eight, five, four and seven.
Oh, my God.
And the target, 299.
OK, and your time starts now.
Good luck, Jon.
Yeah, go on Jon, you can do it.
- Go on, Jon.
- "Go on, Jon.
" This really helps me when you both shout at me like that.
Go on.
I reckon you've got the best chance.
VICTORIA: Thank you.
Come on, Jon, you prick.
You're so good at numbers as well.
There's no way anyone could ever beat you.
Oh, you're an arsehole.
You're all arseholes.
LAUGHTER Ask Jon first.
I reckon Jon's only gone and bloody done it, hasn't he? No, he might have, if people weren't shouting at him the whole time.
We weren't.
Victoria, did you get it? No, I didn't get it.
Oh, I've got it, I've got it.
You haven't got it.
And not for telly, but just for my life.
How did you get it? Five times four is 20.
Yeah.
Eight plus seven is 15.
Yeah.
- Multiply them together.
- 300.
- And take off the 1.
- Lovely.
299.
APPLAUSE OK, well, no points to anyone on that round.
Yay.
OK, so Sean and Victoria have eight, Jon and James have 14.
APPLAUSE OK, time now to go over to Dictionary Corner and Natalie, are you, are you sticking round for a drink after the show? I'd love to, but I've got to go charity shop.
Are you donating? Yes, I just, it makes you feel good, giving stuff to charity.
That's very conscientious of you.
What are you, what are you dropping off? Well, what have I got here? Aw, me little Jane MacDonald CD, in very good condish, even though I've played it within an inch of its life.
But, um, Jane, if you're watching, I am still your biggest fan, I've just got you on Spotify now, babe.
Oh, this is going to be a hard goodbye, me little wooden owl.
I used to do me lesbian Sonia lines to him.
Cor, dear, if owls could talk, eh? It seems a shame to get rid of that.
Yeah, but I don't know, he just looks a bit, he's looking at me funny, do you know what I mean? He's a bit noncy.
Yeah, owls can be like that.
Um.
Oh, here we go.
This is my 2001 British Soap Award Winners basket, hamper basket.
Are you sure you're ready to let go of the box? It sounds pretty precious.
Well, the thing is, Jimmy .
.
past is another country, ain't it? I mean, one minute you're just a little girl flying across the gymnastics floor like paper in the wind, next minute you're acting on a TV set with Michael Greco.
LAUGHTER And suddenly, it's the Soap Awards 2001 and you wake up pinching yourself and there's a hamper on your doorstep full of cheese and pickles and breadsticks and things you've never dreamt of.
And you're too young to drink the wine, so your dad tucks in, and he's half cut and he tells you .
.
that you've done him proud.
And it's enough, you know? Saying that, I keep me dog toys in it.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Natalie Cassidy, everyone.
And here is your teaser.
The words are FIREPLOP, the clue is "not as hard as you thought.
" That's FIREPLOP, "not as hard as you thought.
" See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were FIRE PLOP, the clue was - not as hard as you thought.
It was, of course, FLOPPIER.
OK, time now for a quick bonus round.
Victoria hosts Only Connect, which is the smartest quiz on TV, but this is Cats Countdown, so once again we're going to test our teams with the stupidest quiz on television.
OK, picture round first.
Take a look at this.
Can you tell me - is that a picture James Acaster's hair or a Highland cow? - That's James' hair.
- No I think that's a Highland cow, personally.
And if it's methis is going to be the worst day of my life.
So, James and Jon are saying Highland cow.
Sean and Victoria are saying James Acaster.
Oh, so help me God, that better be a Highland cow.
OK, well, I can tell you, it is a Highland cow.
Yeah! Thank God! A little bit of fun for you - that picture was taken in 2016, so that cow is now dead.
What happened to it - did it walk into a road and couldn't see what was coming? Classic fringe accident.
I think you'll be all right on that front.
- Time to test your celebrity knowledge now.
- That was tense.
Sean looked like he was gonna spark you out.
Time to test your celebrity knowledge now.
We've got pictures of some celebrity waxworks from Louis Tussaud's in Niagara Falls - all you have to do is identify them.
So, who is this? It's a feverish and frankly ill-looking gentleman.
Who do you think that might be? Is that a waxwork or a person? That is a waxwork of a person.
OK, so what have you gone for? James? John Travolta.
John Travolta, it's a pretty good guess.
That collar doing a lot of the work there.
Sean, who do you think? Steven Seagal.
Let's have a look.
It is, in fact Tom Cruise.
OK, next waxwork.
This should be easier.
I know who it is.
Could you just zoom in on the name badge? It's quite fitting, answering these questions with a candle, innit? That's enough to make a whole Jon Richardson, that is.
OK, so who do you think? Princess Anne.
We're seeing it at different angles.
I thought it was Art Garfunkel.
You know a waxwork is not brilliant when you can't tell whether it's Art Garfunkel or Princess Anne.
Who do you think it might be, Jon? Helen Daniels - Neighbours.
So, it's a waxwork museum in Niagara Falls.
- Yeah, but - And you think it might be Helen Daniels off of Neighbours? As she looks now.
It is in factour queen.
That is a waxwork of the queen.
I mean, we tried to help them along with the crazy hair they've decided our queen definitely has.
Well, Princess Anne was close - I should get points for Princess Anne.
It's when the queen was going through her Princess Anne phase.
OK, last question.
Which one of these is not a real person? I mean, Barth Toothman, I don't think I understand what the joke is.
- It's just got tooth in it.
- He's a dentist - he's called Toothman.
Right.
Well, that must be real cos its not funny.
Like my latest DVD.
We think its policeman Nick Ladds.
- I think it's your least funny so far.
- Do you? - Yeah.
I'll take the insult, it's what we do, but the round of applause can fuck right off.
There's a camera on the audience - I'll be watching this footage back.
You've all had to apply, you've all had your bags searched, there's an address for every one of you on that list, now you can expect some warbling under your windows.
OK, so you're saying the fake one is Nick Ladds.
- What do you think, Victoria? - You choose.
- Well, I thought C as well, so if not, then B.
- Really? - The spider expert, yeah.
- Really? Go on We'll say F, then.
F.
- No, no, you choose.
- No, no - You decide.
Cos I've been wrong every time.
You're wrong about my fucking DVD.
You're going F - vasectomy specialist Dick Chopp? Well, I can tell you the answer is C - Policeman Nick Ladds is not real.
APPLAUSE OK, so Jon and James you are the winners of this stupidest quiz on TV.
Five bonus points to you.
Oh, yes! OK, on with the game.
Jon and James, your turn to choose the letters.
- I didn't enjoy that at all.
- We didn't do well.
I'm like a racehorse, Jimmy, I'm a pedigree Countdown Quiz Man.
I'm not just some donkey you drag in to spot waxworks and stupid bits of hair.
I'm an artist.
OK, on with the game.
OK, Jon, James, choose your letters.
Can I have five vowels and four consonants, please? Sure.
Going long on the vowels.
A O E I O Then you've got M S T and H.
OK, and your time starts now.
James Acaster, how many did you get? - Five.
- Five? - Yeah.
Yeah, that's OK.
Jon, how many? Six.
Sean? Yeah, well, as a top Countdown player - A specialist, I believe you said.
- Yes.
- A racehorse.
The ground was not quite right for me today.
I felt that it - It's five.
- You got five, did you? Five! Yes.
Victoria, how many did you get? Well, six.
Again, it might not be in the dictionary, but I've got six.
OK, your five, James? Apologies to the people who don't like this word - MOIST.
Look away, Susie.
Sean, your five? They say there's no "S" in team, don't they? But there is in STEAM.
He's back to his best! That is a You know what? That right there - that's a racehorse, that's a professional Countdown player.
OK, Jon, your six? - SMOOTH.
- SMOOTH? They say there's no "S" in mooth.
- That's annoying, isn't it? - Victoria, what happened? No, no, no.
I've just noticed there's an eight, but I didn't say eight.
So let's stick with six.
What was the eight that you didn't say? - SMOOTHIE.
- Yeah.
Yeah, you missed by a bee's dick.
- That's not what I got, though.
- You should have got that, Jon.
- What did you get? - HOMIES.
Yes, and you can put a on there for HOMIEST.
- I wondered about HOMIEST.
- It's American for homely.
- Yeah, it's a word.
- Natalie, did you get any? - Yeah.
MOTHS.
I like the way you say it.
I think that might be a nine-letter word, the way you pronounce it.
- Say it again.
- If you take your time saying it, it sounds like there's more letters in there - m-o-f-f-f-f-s.
Me tongue's too big for me mouth, what's the problem? Quite a Jamie Oliver tongue, isn't it? At least I've got eyes that I can actually see through.
- Well, no I've got eyes - People who throw stones.
People who live in glass houses, shouldn't be, you know, 'ave little piss 'oles in the snow.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, so at the end of that Sean and Victoria have 14, Jon and James have 25.
And here is your final teaser, the words are RIPE NADS, the clue is - see your doctor.
That's RIPE NADS - see your doctor.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were RIPE NADS and the clue was - see your doctor.
It was of course SPRAINED.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sean, Victoria, your turn to choose.
And you can still win this.
I'll have a consonant, please.
S And a vowel.
A Consonant.
Vowel.
E A consonant.
L A vowel, please.
U A consonant.
F A vowel, please.
A - And a consonant.
- And L OK, and your time starts now.
Sean's real age, 67.
Susie on the wine, 69.
Jon's a bore, 44.
- Bingo! - Bingo! No! No! I said it first! - I said it first! It's mine! - I still won! - No! No! MINE! APPLAUSE Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can BOTH have a toaster.
APPLAUSE - Sean, how many? - No, no, ask Jon.
Sorry, Sean, my apologies.
Jon, how many? - Seven.
- Seven! OK.
How do you feel about that, Sean? - Hmmm - James, how many? - Definitely got six.
- And is there a riskier one? There's a seven that I'd never heard said as a word before that - I kind of - You're a maverick.
You don't play by everyone else's rules.
- I'd say go for it.
- Sometimes I need to be reminded of that.
OK, so seven from Jon, seven from James.
Victoria, how many? - Well, there's a definite seven.
- Seven.
OK, what about you, Sean? - How many? - Six, Jimmy .
.
which is only one less than seven.
Yeah.
What's your six? VOICE BREAKS: FLUTES.
Sorry, how's that pronounced? SEAN CLEARS HIS THROA Excuse me.
DEEP VOICE: FLUTES.
- All right, James, your risky seven.
- This is not a word.
- I put SATEFUL.
- SATEFUL? - You know sated, like if you feel sated? - Yeah.
And some words end with -ful.
SATEFUL? SATEFUL.
Is it a word, Susie? And don't be a dick about this.
- No.
- Come on, Susie, check proper.
It's under S.
Jon, your seven? FULLES FULLEST? Mm! APPLAUSE That's a grudging round of applause.
Victoria, your definite seven that's definitely a word? I had FULLEST as well, although, for the sake of variety, maybe FATALES you can have in the plural.
- Only with "femmes".
- OK, well, in that case, FULLEST.
Seven points to both teams! APPLAUSE OK.
Natalie Cassidy, could they have done any better? No.
OK, so Sean and Victoria have 21, Jon and James have 32! APPLAUSE OK, fingers on buzzers, time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
I'm not going to bother, because we can't win.
So .
.
I might as well just go back to the paddock, cool down .
.
chow down on some oats and prepare for the next race.
No, I'm not even going to look.
No, cos I'm so trained, once I look at it, I'll have to try and get it.
It's a shame we haven't got Sean's blinkers.
Be careful with him when you're buzzing, as well, cos he's easily startled.
Your time starts now.
BUZZER - Jon? - DUCKLINGS DUCKLINGS! Let's have a look.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's three seconds.
Three seconds.
So, the final scores are Sean and Victoria have 21, Jon and James are the winners with 42! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So congratulations to Jon and James.
You're now the proud owner of this, the Countdown beekeeping kit! Thanks to our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to you for watching.
That's it from us, goodnight!