8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter s01e11 Episode Script

Paul Meets His Match

- Hey, Dad.
- Down here.
Is it OK if I go skateboarding with some friends? They drained the pool at the rec center, makes an awesome half-pipe.
Sure, just be back by Before your mother gets mad at me.
- Hey, honey.
- Hey.
I appreciate you doing Thanksgiving shopping.
- Yeah.
- Hey, where'd Rory go? He went skateboarding with some friends.
Did he bring his kneepads, helmet, mouthpiece and wrist guards? Yeah.
More kids come into that emergency room and they forgot their - Uh, where are the eggs? - Ooh, eggs.
How could you forget? I put 'em on the list.
Ooh, list, you know, I Here, I forgot the list, actually, but I figured if I walked around the store I'd remember the important things.
Like a nutcracker? No, that was by the cashier and I remembered that you wanted walnuts for your Waldorf Salad.
- So did you pick up the walnuts? - Ooh, walnuts.
I am not gonna get mad today.
We just have too much to be thankful for this year.
Yeah.
Like your parents are staying in Sarasota.
Paul.
Yeah, you got me there.
Wait a minute.
I'm bored.
You wanna have some fun? Yeah.
Why'd you do that? Let's make my Dad think we were fooling around.
I don't wanna have fun.
I don't wanna have fun.
Wait.
Wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What happened to the "no boys upstairs" rule? - Oh, I waived it for Jason.
- Cate, did you know about this? Oh, relax.
They were only up there a minute.
What can happen in a minute? Kerry, you know the rules.
No boys upstairs.
God, it's freezing in that basement.
Hey, Kerry, Jason.
Hey, guys.
Um, Jason, do you know Kyle? Yeah.
I think you shoved me into a locker once.
Oh yeah.
What up? What is going on in this house? What were you two doing in the basement? Relax, Papa H, we were playing Ping-Pong.
We got rid of the Ping-Pong table a month ago.
Oh, well it was hard to see with the lights off.
Why are you getting all bent? The rule is no boys upstairs.
We were in the basement, which, look it up, is downstairs.
Ipso facto, no rule breakage.
I need lip gloss.
OK, Bridget, you've raised a valid point.
So this is the new rule.
No boys upstairs, downstairs - Dad, wait! anywhere until after the holidays, which includes Christmas, New Years, Fourth of July, and for good measure, Ground Hog Day.
Can they come for Thanksgiving dinner? I applaud that you would even ask me that.
No.
OK, Daddy.
Can they come Thursday? - Morning.
- Morning.
Isn't that the sweater I got you two Christmases ago? Uh-huh, I like it now.
Oh.
Uh, could you give me the tank top in your backpack.
OK, you.
You got me.
- Now give me the other one.
- Oh, God, that is so unfair.
Oh, get down here.
And don't take off that sweater.
I cannot go to school in this.
It's a grandma sweater.
- I thought it was really cute? - Yeah, on someone named Nana.
I am not in the mood for this today.
Your dad had me up half the night.
Eww.
Tossing and turning.
Eww! - He couldn't sleep! - Oh! If you guys are smart, you'll be nice to your dad today.
- There's a lot going on at work.
- Hey, we're always nice.
Dad's the problem.
He won't let our boyfriends come for Thanksgiving dinner.
He's the one who says we should feed the homeless.
We don't know them.
- Morning.
- Hey, honey.
So you ready for your breakfast meeting with your new editor? If by ready you mean panic stricken with writer's block, I'm ready.
Aw, good for you.
- You don't listen to me, do you? - Oh, love you, too.
Come on, girls.
You don't wanna be late for school.
I gotta have a good day today.
That's a cute sweater, Beach.
Nana has one just like it.
Cate, he never showed.
Some newspaper editor; can't even make a deadline.
I waited 45 minutes for the big jerk.
- Paul Hennessy? - Yeah.
- Nick Sharpe.
Big Jerk.
- Don't call him that, honey.
It's all right, I am, and I am so sorry for missing breakfast.
- Family emergency.
- Everything OK? Oh, fine, fine.
Everything's fine.
It's just God, you got no idea what it's like being the father of teenage girls.
And Jenna, who I caught sneaking out to get her belly button pierced at The Navel Station? - That's the one.
For 20 bucks a month, Vinnie, the manager, will call you - anytime one of them comes in.
- Outstanding.
I gave up being a foreign correspondent to spend more time with them.
But sometimes, I miss the serenity of Baghdad.
I gave up sports writing for the same reason.
Don't get me wrong.
I love my girls, dearly.
- How many? - Four.
Four? I only have two, although it seems like four.
That means you'd have eight.
Cate, Cate, look what I found out in our yard.
- Put them down! - Dad, you're hurting Jason! I told you, if you feed them, you'll never get rid of them.
Bye-bye now.
Uh, is that why you brought 'em in, so you could kick 'em out? Uh, yeah.
If this is what happens when I bring a boyfriend over to our house, I'm just gonna find ways of seeing them behind your back.
Yeah.
I should start doing that too.
So, she said, pretending she lived in a normal house, how was your day? It was great.
Nick and I spent lunch at an indoor driving range.
- Oh, did you pick up the walnuts? - Ooh, walnuts.
- This is the worst day of my life.
- Rory, what happened? We were having a great time skating.
Were we wearing our helmet, kneepads, wrist guards, and mouthpiece? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
And after, we went to this girl's house and her dad came home and went psycho.
What do you mean psycho? He was screaming and calling me names like, "You little punk.
" Then he grabbed me by my shirt.
- What? - He put his hands on you? - I'll kill him! - Easy, girl.
And the worst part is, I left my skateboard and I'm afraid to go back.
The nerve of that guy.
What did you do? Nothing.
He just went nuts.
He's a psycho dad.
He messed with the wrong Hennessy.
I got half a mind to punch his lights out.
I'm going.
- Get him, Dad.
- And you're going with me.
I got a lot of homework.
Rory! Looks like nobody's home.
Let's go.
No, wait, I know you're afraid, Rory, but this guy has gotta apologize to you.
Nobody treats you like that.
Oh, hey, Paul, what are you, uh? You! Hit him, Dad! This puts me in an awkward position of being a concerned parent, a friend - My employee.
- Employee, yes.
- Can I have my skateboard back? - Timing, Rory.
Skateboard? I don't know about any skateboard that you or any boy that I catch with my daughters leaves over here.
I also don't know anything about a scooter, a couple of bicycles, a '98 Honda 750 mint condition.
- Daddy, can I go to the mall? - No, Jenna, you're grounded.
- For what? - For going to the mall.
That was Amanda's fault.
She had to go to the mall to buy Melanie a present, like that's gonna make up for leaving play rehearsal with Tyler.
Yeah, right, Amanda.
Sweetheart, can we talk about this later? You never listen to me! God! - Sorry about that.
- No problem.
It's like Muzak.
Anyway, so Rory came home very upset because some father, apparently you, uh, threw him out of the house for no reason.
No reason? How about I walk into my kitchen, find your son kissing my baby girl.
- You left that part out.
- Oh.
Yeah.
I'm sorry it was your kid, Paul.
But my experience tells me that all boys are after one thing.
Their skateboards.
- Michelle, are you? - I hate you.
Michelle.
My oldest.
Pretty.
So, Rory, is it true, what Mr.
Sharpe said? - Yeah, but - I can't believe you lied to me.
- Dad.
- Not a word until we get home.
- Dad! - What? Sorry.
Tell Michelle to stop using my hairbrush.
I don't want her disgusting dye in it.
Michelle dyes her hair? No, Dad.
That shade of brass runs in the family.
This is getting eerie.
Well, happy Thanksgiving, everybody.
This is a little out of the moment, but what do walnuts mean to you? Oh, my God, walnuts.
- Dad, this is totally unfair! - I don't wanna hear it.
You didn't hear my side.
- What is going on? - Dad's mad at the boy for a change.
Kerry, knock it off.
Although I should get a camera.
Paul? - Get him, Ground him.
- Tell him you didn't teach him - to act like this! - Make him put on a different top! Bridget, Kerry, not now.
This isn't cute.
Rory was caught kissing my boss' daughter.
I am having the best day ever.
I didn't kiss her, she kissed me.
- Eww! - I didn't even like it.
- I told you.
- I knew it.
Girls! All right, Rory, tell me what really happened.
Well, Katy and I were just talking and out of nowhere, she plants one on me.
My mouth was full of cocoa.
I burnt my tongue.
Then Mr.
Sharpe walked in and went crazy, screamed at me, and threw me out of the house.
So I guess Nick jumped to conclusions and so did I.
Rory, I'm really sorry.
Thanks, Dad, but he still has my skateboard.
Maybe I can ride your apology over to his house and get it.
You know, I can't believe that Nick.
After Thanksgiving, I am going over to give him a piece of my mind.
What kind of man would do something like that? What? Cate? Officer down, need backup.
Kyle can't hold my hand without you thinking that he's a sex maniac.
God forbid Jason puts his arm around me, you've got me pregnant and dropping out.
- Which would never happen.
- Of course not.
Kerry's so smart she could graduate high school if she had two babies.
It's no wonder you and Nick are so close.
You're both psycho dads.
Don't compare me to him.
Nick judged Rory without even knowing him.
Cate? Are you even listening to yourself? When have you ever taken the time to get to know any of the boys Kerry and Bridget have brought over here? Oh, I know them.
I get inside their heads.
I know what they're gonna do before they do.
This isn't helping your psycho dad defense.
Trust me, it It's completely different.
No, it isn't.
It's exactly the same as what Nick did to Rory.
- Yeah, Dad, Mom's right.
- You hurt our little brother.
- Oh God, I am a - Say it.
psycho dad.
Cool.
Say it again.
Good morning, Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.
Psycho dad.
Uh, remember our discussion about having guests over on Thanksgiving? Oh, happy Turkey Day, Papa H.
You can call him Papa H, too.
I know, I know, I'm just waiting for the right moment.
We decided to help you by inviting Kyle and Jason over so you can get that chance to know them better.
Well, you know, I was just kinda thinking that I'd get to know the lads over time.
That time being after Thanksgiving.
Psycho dad.
Beach, Care Bear, you know, we always do pancakes and parade in our PJs.
You know, only stuff that starts with P.
Like puh-psycho dad? Don't worry, we can leave, Papa H.
See, it just sounds stupid coming from me.
Look, I'm flexible.
Adopt, adapt, improve.
Sherlock Holmes.
Never mind.
OK, since you guys are both here, maybe we can use this chance to get to know each other better.
- So, Kyle, how's school this semester? - Pass.
- You can't pass on the question.
- I'm not good at school.
- Maybe the next one's about sports.
- OK.
What's up, Jason? Do you do sports? Can I have the school question, sir? It's come to my attention that I've been a little rough on you guys and from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry.
So, Daddy, can our boyfriends stay for Thanksgiving dinner? Sure.
Hey, you can't imagine the fun I had shopping on Thanksgiving morning.
I almost lost a hand in the nut bin.
This is enough for a family of five.
- Uh, Cate.
- Oh, and the boys are over.
Well, good for you.
- And they're staying for dinner.
- And you're going back to the store.
Did you get the whipped cream for the pumpkin pie? Uh, yeah.
Did you get the pie? None of your business.
Uh, I need help setting the dining room table.
Where'd the girls go? - I thought I saw them go upstairs.
- OK.
Into their bedroom, with Jason and Kyle, could be mistaken.
Bridget, Kerry, everybody downstairs.
So you wait until they're in their bedroom before you rat them out? Yeah.
- What? - Get down here.
I I missed you.
All right, guys, you can use those busy hands to help me set the table.
- Hi, Paul.
- Nick.
So, love your column for Monday.
I haven't written it yet.
Well, I've got a feeling it's gonna be a good one.
What's this really about, Nick Sharpe? I, uh, I thought I'd return Rory's skateboard.
Hey, buddy.
This isn't my skateboard.
My skateboard's all beat up and Yeah, this one's mine.
Thanks.
- Well, that was very nice of you.
- Not really, I need to apologize.
I found out that Katy was the one who initiated the kiss.
Katy, my, um baby.
Well, at least your baby was honest with you.
- No, her sister ratted her out.
- Of course.
I really appreciate you coming by.
My baby.
Hey, are we OK? 'Cause, you know, with the girls, I don't get out much, so I think you're my best friend.
We're good.
OK, good.
All right, I gotta be going.
Could I see what a boy's room looks like? Thanksgiving.
Some other time.
- OK.
- You know what, though.
You don't really want to go home, do you, Nick? Not really.
We fathers, we need to support each other.
I've practically become this - Psycho dad.
- You're the psycho dad.
- Sorry.
I'm a little sensitive.
- No.
That's what my girls call me.
You can't let your girls get to you.
It's just every time I give my girls an inch they take a mile.
Go on, Jason, sit at the head of the table in my dad's chair.
Go on.
Sit in my dad's chair.
Well, maybe your girls are different.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Yeah, right.
- Uh, where do you think you're going? - To play Ping-Pong.
No.
Everybody! Come here, I have an announcement.
Kerry, Jason, right here.
You know how you two girls have helped me open my heart and welcome others into my home? Well, it didn't take.
You and you, out! - What? - You can't do that.
That which was done is now undone.
The king is taking back his castle.
Uh, Sire, prithee a word? The girls are walking all over me.
Honey, you cannot invite those boys and then uninvite them at your whim.
The girls will think Think what? That I'm some sort of - A psycho dad! - You're the psycho dad.
No, I'm sorry.
Paul, those boys are somebody's Rory.
What happened to getting to know them a little better? Fine.
I'll get to know them better before I toss 'em.
I'll start with Jason.
Jason, come here.
Can't you start with Kyle? Look, Jason, how come you're not with your family on Thanksgiving anyway? Well, Thanksgiving weekend's a really big deer-hunting weekend.
My dad and my brother always bring home these bucks and I'm not really into it.
I'd kinda rather not be there.
Oh.
Well, OK, Jason can stay for dinner.
Thank you, Daddy.
All right, let's eat, dear.
No, no, I meant turkey, I meant let's eat turkey, dear.
Not not Bambi.
OK, let's eat.
Dad, Dad, you forgot Kyle.
Thank you, Rory.
OK, Kyle, I guess to be fair, why aren't you with your family Thanksgiving? Because, well, because my family never has Thanksgiving dinner.
Never? - Well, it is an overrated holiday.
- Paul! All right, no, wait, OK, Kyle can stay for dinner.
But, Kyle, son, I've known your dad for years and years, I can't believe you guys don't have Thanksgiving dinner.
I know.
My mom usually serves the turkey around 2:00.
It's more like lunch.
I'm gonna go get that.
- Thank you, Daddy.
- Yes, thank you.
- You are so not a psycho dad.
- Do I detect gratitude? What do you know, and on Thanksgiving yet.
You know what I'm thankful for? Mom! Dad! What are you doing here? - Nana.
- Grandpa.
Presents! This is a masterpiece of form meeting function.
It weighs only six ounces, yet has the crushing power of a Bengal tiger.
Paul, come look at the pictures of Mom and Dad's new condo in Sarasota.
Don't leave.
The boys are in the middle of a story.
Guess how much I paid for this baby.
Go on, guess.
Ballpark figure.
Take a crack at it?