8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter s01e15 Episode Script

Kerry's Big Adventure

Jason and I just aren't happening.
Maybe we're too much alike.
My romantic ideal guy is a rugged, spiritual adventurer who's intense and stoic, - but also really, really funny.
- Hmm.
Shoulder-length hair, piercing eyes, Italian accent, rides a Vespa.
Answers to the name Furio.
Eww.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey, I'm just thinking about my ideal guy.
I thought that was Dad.
Sometimes I call him Daddy.
Uh Anyway, honey, I spent a long time waiting for my perfect guy, until one day my mom told me if I'd let go of the fantasy, someone real could come in and, in time, become the man of my dreams.
Cate, I can't find my socks.
And it happened.
Mom, do you think I'll ever have another boyfriend? Oh, honey, you just don't know how beautiful you are, do you? - Stop it.
- Never.
I'm gonna go get ready for work.
- Did you find them? - Sock drawer.
Incredible.
Hey, Care Bear.
What were you and your mother talking about? - Nothing.
- You OK? Your face is puffy.
- Dad! - Not bad puffy.
Oh, right, you mean the good puffy.
- Look, Jason and I broke up.
- You broke up? Yeah, but I talked it out with Mom, and I'm OK, OK? Sure.
OK.
You know, if you need another perspective on this, I'm here.
Your choice.
Not prying.
Did he dump you? No, it was mutual.
Mutual? Get ready for a slew of phone calls from him trying to get back together.
He hasn't called.
Give him a day.
If you meant anything at all to him, he'll come begging.
We broke up last week! Um Hey You talked to Dad? What were you thinking? Paul! She just needed a good cry.
Don't sneak up on people! What are you doing? - I'm loving you, if you don't mind.
- Sorry, working.
Me too.
Hey, you know what I was daydreaming about? Huh? Our dream vacation we always talked about.
You, me, Italy.
Alone, just you and me.
Or we rent a 40-foot RV, load up the kids and visit all 30 of the Major League Baseball parks.
- Yeah! - Hey! - Daddy, is this a good time? - No, not really.
I know you told me I couldn't go out because my grades were slipping.
Danielle's having this major party.
I have to go.
Jenna will be there.
She's moving in on my friends, copying me.
Now she's after Danielle, my fifth-best friend since, like, forever.
Bridge, you might want to sit down for this.
- OK.
- Um No.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Wait a minute.
Is that little Christina? I haven't seen you since you and Kerry were in the fifth grade.
Hi.
I haven't been over here since your tenth birthday party with the Spice Girl impersonators.
- It was fun.
What was wrong with it? - They were Spice Girl impersonators.
Five middle-aged women with wigs who'd been drinking.
- Yeah, it was a lame party, Dad.
- You said she'd like it.
- Yeah.
- You Listen, I have to go to that party if Jenna's gonna be there.
'Cause if she makes her move, it's gonna be tonight.
- Let's go upstairs.
- Wait.
Please.
I'm riveted.
Mom, what are you doing? Oh, I just can't stand the mess anymore.
I found pop bottles, candy wrappers, and under your bed, books, clothes, and a tire.
- That's gonna be part of my first car.
- Uh-huh.
Honey, we need to talk.
You're on a tear.
- What's with the cleaning frenzy? - The kids keep this house so messy.
It just makes me Furio Furious.
- I'll give you some privacy.
- What's in the box? - Nothing! - Nothing? What's Cate! Paul, it's just his secret box.
I'm giving him his small measure of privacy.
That's the difference between you and me.
I want to know what's going on in our kids' lives.
I bet you don't know who Kerry is with right now.
- Christina.
- Christi - You don't know what room she's in? - Basement.
- Why'd you even come up here? - Do you even remember Christina? Oh, yeah.
She was one of the friends Kerry cut loose after your Spice Girls disaster.
It wasn't that bad.
Hey, I'm the one who had to take their keys and drive them home in the Spicemobile.
And that Baby Spice? Mean drunk.
Since then Christina has grown into a walking cloud of gloom.
I remember her as just such a happy little girl on the playground, smoking.
I'm just afraid that since her breakup with Jason Kerry will move to the dark side Or, well, further toward the dark side.
OK, Paul, sit down.
You are my husband, and I say this with love Do not get involved! Bridget, I've decided - to let you go to the party - Daddy! but I drop you off and pick you up.
- Around the corner, without talk radio.
- Fine.
I'll be there at midnight.
- Ish.
- You have to take your sister.
- Never gonna happen.
- Deal breaker.
- That's blackmail.
- It's bartering.
I do something, you do something for me.
I don't wanna go with my sister.
They'll call me "girl that goes to parties with little sister.
" Could call you "girl who stays home Saturday night while Jenna and Danielle became fourth-best friends.
" Didn't want to have to say that.
Why do you want Kerry to go to Danielle's party? I want her to expand her horizons.
There'll be a wider range of kids there than the one she's zeroed in on.
So my friends would be a good influence on her? No! Well, yeah, kind of.
It's like when a prisoner has a matching kidney.
OK, bartering.
I could use $40 for a new top for tonight.
- Forty dollars? I'm not paying you.
- OK, fine.
What about 20? Bridget! Jenna! OK, remind me, why am I here? Well, you're hurting and you're my baby sister.
I want you to know I'm here for you.
- Danielle! Hi! - Bridget! Oh, wow, who are they? My brother and his friends from college.
College boys? They look like they do in the magazines.
Excuse me, but isn't that Kyle, your boyfriend, over there? See? You do know somebody.
OK, for the next five minutes I'm in college.
Hey, Kerry.
What are you doing here? I'm with Bridget.
Yeah, me too.
- Why do you put up with her? - Same reason you do.
Well, I put up with her 'cause she's my sister.
Right.
Has nothing to do with how hot she is.
So, you read any good books lately? Rule of the Bone by Russell Banks.
- Really? - I know! I get that a lot.
- Hi, Kyle.
- Hey, Jenna.
You know, Kyle, I admire you.
The fact that you can stay with a stuck-up princess who totally waxes her upper lip and isn't happy unless she's the center of attention Bridget.
Jenna, her sister.
Oh I'm totally sorry.
No, please, go on.
Who's superficial, self-centered, narcissistic, full of herself, like, "Hi, I'm God's gift to the entire planet " fashion disaster, thinks she's cutting edge 'cause she knows who Moby is Bridget! Oh, my God, I can't stand this party.
It's not so bad.
See? Bridget's having a good time.
- You want to go dance? - Yeah.
- You're a good dancer.
- Yeah, you too, for the '80s.
Hey! It's funny, I've known you all this time and don't really know you.
Yeah.
I never knew you liked to read.
I never knew you could read.
Hey, you know, thanks for keeping me company.
Ah, no problem.
- Oh, man! - That did not happen.
Didn't happen! I'm sorry, sorry.
- Did you think Bridget saw? - Oh, my God! No, I think we're good.
How did that happen? I don't know.
Let's see.
We were talking, then you hugged me, your hair smelled good, then - Kyle! - That did not happen! Yo, Mr.
Hennessy.
Oh, God, Anthony, you were invited? Invited? Yo, this my crib, dawg.
Danielle be my sib-lang.
Look at you, all bundled up like some kind of pig in a blanket, making me all hungry and whatnot.
Shoot.
Where's Bridget and Kerry? Oh, Boo One, Boo Two, they be around here somewheres shakin' they barump-a-bump-bumps.
Mom? You promised you'd stay upstairs.
Dad, you can't be here, inside.
I know, it ain't cool.
I be out in my rig for over 20 minutes just a-honkin' and a honk-a-lackin'.
And I will continue talking this way OK, Dad, we got it! Jeez, we're leaving.
Relax.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Mom, do we have to? I don't want to hear any complaining.
The least you girls can do is put away your own laundry.
What's her problem? What's your problem? Do you think I'm blind? I saw you with - Oh, my God! - Jenna.
How can you be friends with her? Friends with Jenna Yes, I am.
I am friends with her.
Excuse me, this is my shirt.
No, it is my shirt.
- You ripped my shirt! - You ripped my shirt! Done.
Finally.
Hey, honey, I was thinking, um, why don't we have a nice dinner tonight and turn in early? Good idea.
I'm beat.
- Hair, hair, hair! - OK, sorry, I'm sorry.
Get off of me! You shouldn't be sitting on me! - You should thank me! - For what? - For taking you to the party! - Abandoning me at the party.
If you didn't want me there you shouldn't have invited me.
The only reason you were was because Dad paid me to take you.
What? Oh, words, words, come back, words.
Kerry, I am so, so sorry.
- He paid you? - Oh, God, I am such a bad person.
I told you something you weren't supposed to hear and it hurt you.
- Tell me something that will hurt me.
- I can't.
I'm not letting you go until we're even.
- OK.
- OK.
Your eyebrows don't match.
OK, we're even.
Cate, aren't you even curious about what's inside Rory's box? Of course I am.
But I'm choosing to take a high road here and respect the personal boundaries of our children.
I respect our children's personal boundaries.
I can't believe you paid Bridget to take me to that stupid party! You did what? Don't listen to her.
She's talking in riddles.
You know, Paul, when I said "do not get involved," it meant don't do, you know, this.
- I'm going to Christina's.
- Don't go to Paul, Paul! Now look, I've been married to you for 20 years and I am fond of you.
But I have to ask, are you insane? If loving my children is wrong, I don't want to be right.
No, no, no.
You're not gonna Motown your way out of it this time.
Uh-uh.
When are you gonna get it? You cannot fix everything.
I'm a man.
Men fix things.
We can't help ourselves.
When the sink backs up what do I do? You call a man to fix it.
That's right, Cate, a man.
Do you want to watch TV or listen to music or something? - No.
- You're no fun.
- Sorry.
- No, I like it.
Christina, Kerry's father is here.
Oh, my God.
Hi, Kerry.
Hi, Christina.
Nice room.
Kerry, I'm just gonna, you know, go upstairs, so I don't have to be uncomfortable.
More uncomfortable.
Kerry, honey, I'm sorry.
I just wanted you to recover from the Jason thing a little too fast, - so I got Bridget to help out a little.
- I'm doing fine, thank you.
No, no.
I'm actually not sure you are.
For your information, Christina's got, like, a four-point-million GPA, and can get early admission to any Ivy League school.
- How early? - Dad! Sorry.
I don't care how smart Christina is.
You and she are too young to have such a negative worldview.
- Why can't you love me for who I am? - I do, honey.
- I don't know who that is.
- Yeah? Well, me neither.
Bear.
No, no, you're right.
I don't fit in with Christina's group.
I don't fit in with Bridget's group.
Jason and I aren't gonna happen and I just I feel so so mixed up all the time.
Well, honey, you You should tell these things to your mother and me.
I talk to Mom a lot, but today she was busy cleaning - and talking about Vespas and Italy.
- Oh.
Ohh Oh.
Well, you can tell me anything.
It'll just be between us.
- Anything? - Yeah.
I don't know, it's pretty bad.
Honey, I'm not here to judge.
I just How bad? No, you just tell me.
Go ahead.
Make it fast.
Kyle and I kissed.
You did? Are you OK? I don't know, Dad.
It's just more confusion, you know.
- Dad? - Huh? Sorry.
I'm just still mentally burying his body.
Kyle, why are you looking at me funny? I'm not, I swear.
Yes, you are.
I know what it's about.
You do? It's my eyebrows, isn't it? Oh, hi.
I'm gonna go upstairs.
You know! Rory Joseph Hennessy, let go! You let go! - No! - What is in the damn box? Cate, honey, come here, stop.
Look, I've been cleaning around it for three days.
It's driving me nuts! Aah! - Key, key, key! Come on.
- Easy! - Easy.
- Move it.
OK, OK.
Oh, Paul, it It's a picture of me holding Rory when he was a baby.
These are newspaper clippings of when I was a sportswriter, my columns.
- You kept these? - Yeah.
All of 'em.
Why didn't you just tell us? I didn't want anybody to think I was corny, OK? I think I need some alone time.
Oh Yeah - OK, honey.
- Sure.
Look, I'm sorry.
I forgive you.
Yeah, Dad.
I kept your clippings on top of my false bottom to hide my fireworks.
- All right, hand them over.
- Let's go, Rory.
You think we're that stupid? Give me that box.
Oh, Paul, look at this.
It's like an ammo dump in here.
Ugh! You are right.
We can have no secrets in this family.
Speaking of secrets, hey, I'm ready to go to Italy.
Just you, me, alone.
But you know, the Italy upstairs, not the real Italy.
Oh, yeah.
OK.
I'm gonna kill you! What is going on? I talked to Amanda, who talked to Michelle, who talked to Walker, - who dates Josie, that you - Kyle kissing Kerry meant nothing.
borrowed my sweater! - What? - You borrowed her sweater?!