A Series Of Unfortunate Events (2017) s02e03 Episode Script
The Ersatz Elevator: Part One
1 [THEME SONG PLAYING.]
Look away, look away Look away, look away This show will wreck your evening Your whole life and your day Every single episode Is nothing but dismay So look away Look away, look away The Baudelaires are taken in By people who are rich But Olaf has a plan That's going off without a hitch It's a race against the clock To rescue their two kidnapped friends You'll need rescuing yourself Before this grim tale ends Just look away, look away There's nothing but horror And inconvenience on the way Ask any stable person, "Should I watch?" And they will say Look away, look away, look away Look away, look away Look away, look away Look away, look away [TYPING.]
The episode you are about to watch, assuming your eyes are open and tilted towards me, is a story which can teach you the difference between the word "nervous" and the word "anxious.
" The word "nervous" means "worried about something.
" The way you might feel if you were served prune ice cream, because you'd be worried it would taste awful.
I'm nervous.
"Anxious," on the other hand, means "troubled by disturbing suspense.
" The way you might feel if you were served a live alligator, because you'd be troubled by the suspense of whether you would eat your dessert or it would eat you.
I'm anxious.
[PEOPLE SCREAMING.]
If you are thinking about the story of the Baudelaire orphans, you might feel nervous because you do not know how it ends.
But if you are viewing this story, you will be anxious and troubled by the disturbing suspense in which they find themselves hopelessly trapped.
[MR.
POE COUGHING.]
Now, Baudelaires, I know you must be nervous.
I was a little nervous trying to find you a new guardian, given your track record.
But never fear.
This is a very fashionable block.
Much more fashionable than where you lived, even though it's a few blocks away.
We're not concerned with how fashionable it is.
We're more than nervous, Mr.
Poe.
We're anxious.
Our friends have been kidnapped by Olaf.
- Yes, the Quagmire twins.
- Triplets.
- There's only two of them.
- Quigley died in a fire.
Then no need to worry about him.
As for Dennis and Iphigenia Duncan and Isadora.
- Do you know what that is? - [KLAUS.]
A police car? A citywide manhunt to apprehend Olaf and rescue your friends.
We at Mulctuary Money Management are co-sponsoring every effort to bring this ghastly villain to justice.
Look at the wanted posters we had pasted up all over town.
[KLAUS.]
You can't see them.
The trees are blocking the light.
[MR.
POE.]
Trust me.
It's a good likeness of a very bad person.
Once I have dropped you at this apartment where old friends of your parents have promised to be your guardians, I'm taking a helicopter ride to search for the Quagmires using the binoculars my wife gave me as an anniversary present.
Now, let's see Has anyone seen the numbers 667? It should be somewhere on this block.
Another mysterious set of our parents' friends.
Who we've never met.
[SQUEALS.]
[COUGHS.]
Found the building.
It's right next to this lamppost I just ran into.
Names? I'm Violet, and these are my siblings, Klaus and Sunny.
You're expected.
But who's that behind you with a nosebleed? This is a restricted area.
Don't mind me.
I'm just dropping off the Baudelaires, and then I'm off to find a clinic and/or bag of frozen peas before I miss my helicopter.
Sorry.
No unauthorized parties allowed.
There's a manhunt going on.
Well, in that case, goodbye, Baudelaires.
If you need to contact me, remember I'll be in a helicopter and won't be reachable at any moment at any time.
- Friend of yours? - Oh, he works at a bank.
I know the type.
In fact, you'll be staying with the city's sixth most important financial adviser.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Squalor live in the penthouse, which is the top floor of 667 Dark Avenue, the most fashionable and secure building in town.
Count Olaf won't be able to get in or out of this building.
Sorry about the lighting.
Dark is in.
- In what? - Just in.
You can take these stairs to the penthouse.
[VIOLET.]
Is the elevator out of order? I'm good with mechanical devices.
I'd be happy to look at it.
A kind and unusual offer, but it's not out of order.
Just out.
I'll phone the penthouse and tell them to expect you within the hour.
[KLAUS.]
People who live in penthouses are rich and powerful.
I hope they can help us find the Quagmires.
We don't have a clue where Olaf could have taken them.
We're in the dark.
The phrase "in the dark," which I'm sure you know, can refer to not only one's shadowy surroundings, but also to the secrets which might be surrounding you.
Every day, the sun goes down over all of these secrets, so everyone is in the dark in one way or another.
If you are sunbathing in the park, but you do not know about the deep and dangerous pit nearby, then you are in the dark even though you are not actually in the dark.
If you are on a midnight hike knowing full well that several ballerinas are following you, then you are not in the dark even though you are in the dark.
Of course, it is possible to be in the dark in the dark, and to be not in the dark not in the dark.
But there are so many secrets in this world that it is likely that you are always in the dark about something, whether you're in the dark in the dark or in the dark not in the dark.
So you'll eventually fall into the deep and dangerous pit dug by several ballerinas, which is dark in the dark in the park.
That's odd.
There's two sets of elevator doors.
See? On every other floor, there's just one.
[MAN GASPS.]
You must be the Baudelaires.
Welcome.
The door's always unlocked.
My name is Jerome Squalor.
I'm so happy you've come to stay with us.
How do you do, Mr.
Squalor? You must be out of breath from that climb.
I can think of two things to do about that.
One, stop calling me Mr.
Squalor and start calling me Jerome.
Number two, I am gonna make you a nice, cold martini.
Come this way.
A martini? Isn't that an alcoholic drink? [LAUGHS.]
Usually it is.
But alcoholic martinis are out and aqueous martinis are in.
Aqueous martinis? It's just cold water in a fancy glass with an olive in it.
[BABBLES.]
We've never had aqueous martinis before, but we'll try them.
You're adventurous, just like your parents.
I remember when we went up to Mount Fraught and did high-impact bird-watching.
How many years ago was that? - Was Montgomery Montgomery there? - Or Josephine Anwhistle? Who? No, I never met any of your previous guardians.
- You don't happen to own a spyglass? - [GROANS.]
No.
But one of the eagles flew off with my best pair of binoculars that day.
I was not happy.
And then, soon after that, I lost touch with your parents.
You know how it is.
You get older.
You find different interests.
You marry a woman who despises all of your old friends.
[CHUCKLES.]
But there's no need to discuss such unpleasantness.
I wanted to adopt you the moment I heard about the fire.
Unfortunately, it was impossible.
[ESMÃ.]
Orphans were out then.
But now they're in.
- Good evening.
- It's mid-morning, my precious.
I'm Esmé Gigi Geniveve Squalor, the city's sixth most important financial adviser.
Even though I am unbelievably wealthy, you may call me Esmé.
I'll learn your names later.
I am very happy you're here.
When all my friends hear that I have three real live orphans, they'll be sick with jealousy.
Won't they, Jerome? I don't know.
I don't like to hear that anybody's sick.
You'll have such a glamorous life with me that your friends' eyes will roll back in their heads.
You will be exposed to all the innest restaurants, the innest boutiques, premieres, cockfights, gallery openings.
What my wife means is that we hope you'll feel safe and secure.
- Don't tell them silly things.
- Okay.
Children, here are things you should know.
Dark is in, light is out.
Stairs are in, elevators are out.
- Pinstripe suits are - In.
In.
- In.
- Yes.
Those horrible clothes you're wearing are out.
What my wife means is we hope you'll feel comfortable while you're here.
I feel awful about all the terrible experiences you've had.
This entire time, we could've been taking care of you It couldn't be helped.
When something's out, it's out.
And orphans used to be out.
We're glad you're interested in orphans now, because we are concerned about some of our friends.
- Mmm.
- Oh The Quagmires.
I'm sure you're anxious for them to be rescued.
We are anxious.
If there's one good thing about being rich and powerful, it's you don't have to be anxious.
After they're found, the Quagmires will live right here with us.
- The more orphans the better.
- [JEROME CHUCKLES.]
- It's handy to have a few spares.
- [JEROME.]
Okay.
Rest at ease, Baudelaires.
You live in a penthouse now.
You're never going to want for anything again.
All we want is for our friends to be safe.
[SIGHS.]
Well, I'm sure we'll hear good news soon.
[SHRIEKS.]
Big fat fantastic news about what we were just talking about! - Has Olaf been captured? - The Quagmires rescued? - Better.
- [GASPS.]
- Dark is out, light is in.
- Oh.
We have to turn on lamps and open curtains before anyone sees.
Flip the light switches in the west wing.
Baudelaires, open the curtains in the living room.
I'll run around in panicky circles.
Something tells me the Squalors won't be as helpful as we need them to be.
Meanwhile, Olaf could be getting further and further away.
Does this seem like a nightmare? A bad dream? Because that's the effect I was going for.
Well, I have nightmares, too, orphans.
I wake up in the middle of the night screaming, and the only thing that comforts me is knowing the three of you will soon be screaming.
Just like another set of wealthy orphans that happen to be in my clutches.
- Duncan and Isadora.
- Where are they? You mean you don't know? I thought everybody could smell wealthy orphans when they were in arm's reach.
[SNIFFS.]
Well, not to worry.
Soon all of you orphans will be in my clutches.
Quagmires in one clutch, and you, Baudelaires, in the other.
This pesky citywide manhunt may have foreshadowed me from taking them far away, but not for long.
You mean "forestalled.
" But we're gonna stop you.
- Mr.
and Mrs.
Squalor! - [VIOLET.]
Olaf is here! - [JEROME.]
What? - [ESMÃ.]
It can't be! Did I hear you right? How did he get past the doorperson? How did he slip by the citywide manhunt? - Where is he? - Right here! [AS GUNTHER.]
It is true, please, what the babushka is saying.
- What? - Count Olaf, please, is right here.
[SCREAMS.]
This poster is limited edition, please, and is autographed by the star of this month's manhunt.
How in the world did you manage that? Please, pretty lady, I am foreigner.
We have secret ways.
Who is this man? Jerome, I told you Gunther was coming over today, and that he might need to hide behind the curtains.
Oh, yes! It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
- Hello, please.
- Okay.
[GUNTHER.]
I hope you'll forgive the way I am talking, but I am, please, a foreigner.
Very nice to meet the husband of pretty lady Esmé and three hideous children.
Is "hideous" the right word for what it is I am trying to say? [BABBLES.]
So foreign, so in.
This is Olaf, and I don't mean the poster.
[GUNTHER.]
Beautiful, no? I can see that Count Olaf is as handsome as a noble steed riding on the back of a beautiful princess.
His legendary handsomeness is celebrated in special weekly holidays in my faraway land, please.
What faraway land is that? Far away.
Oh.
I don't think Count Olaf can get very far away.
Not with the law closing in.
Oh.
But think about the poor Quagmire twins and their sparkly sapphires.
They're not twins.
If this Count Olaf is somehow recognized and taken to jail, the little Quaggies will never be found in their, how do you say in your language, super-duper hiding place, and they will starve to death like castaways on desert island or vegetarian restaurant, please.
[ESMÃ.]
Oh! Let's not talk about depressing things like others being kidnapped.
Let's talk about exciting things happening to me, - like the In Auction we're planning.
- Ah! The In Auction is happening on the innest day, tomorrow, at the innest auction house, Veblen Hall, and is being hosted by the innest auctioneer, this foreign man named Gunther.
Just look, look, look, look.
Just look at this glossy but classy catalog.
This auction is going to be so fashionable that people are going to have heart attacks and hives.
Of course, all the money goes to a good cause.
Aw! Which good cause? - Me.
Me.
- Me.
Me.
Every last penny goes to me.
Yes, but there will be auctioneer's fee and incidentals, so Shouldn't we give the proceeds to those who need it? Perhaps those starving people we were reading about? Starving people can't eat money.
Plus, if we give money to poor people, they won't be poor, and we won't have anyone to feel sorry for.
[GUNTHER.]
Aw, poor people.
Which reminds me, you poor wealthy orphans, go far away, please.
Esmé and I have to talk big fat business.
Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Jerome, I need you to put the children into pinstripe suits before anyone sees them in those clothes and my life is ruined.
Ah.
Come this way.
Okay.
Ah, now, the Duchess of Winnipeg once stayed in this very room.
- No, this one.
- How many rooms are there? Seventy-one, I think.
I don't know what's in half of them.
The other day I found a kitchen I'd never seen before, and the omelet was really good.
So the penthouse has lots of places to hide.
Oh, I love hide and seek! But it's so big, I thought you'd like to bunk together tonight.
Children could get lost in this penthouse for ages.
Here's your pinstripe suits.
I'm going to make another round of martinis while you three change.
I am so glad you're here.
[CHUCKLES.]
I can't believe Olaf found us so quickly.
That means the Quagmires are close.
He said they were in arm's reach, because the manhunt forestalled him.
[BABBLING.]
What if he's hiding them in this apartment? Jerome said he doesn't know what's in every room.
And that children could stay lost for ages.
Esmé invited Gunther here.
Do you think they're working together? Esmé's already rich.
She doesn't need our fortune.
Yeah, but she seems to be falling for Count Olaf.
He could marry her and become our guardian.
If something happens to Jerome.
Would pretty lady Esmé und husband like to see party trick? - Yes.
- Come, come, stand right here.
[JEROME GASPS.]
[JEROME CHUCKLING.]
No.
[GUNTER GRUNTS.]
- [JEROME GRUNTS.]
- [SCREAMS.]
[GRUNTS.]
This sofa belonged to the King of Arizona.
You don't recline on it! - Sorry, darling.
- But Gunther and the chandelier.
Gunther was just showing us cane tricks that earned him a bronze medal for his country's non-trademark-violating version of the Olympics.
Right? In my country, children do not interrupt married couple and foreign man turning tricks.
Let's forgive them this once, seeing as they've finally put on some in suits.
Where is the other one, please? My sister's exploring.
She said she wants to see every inch of this penthouse.
I hope she's careful.
Without a system, a person could get lost.
My sister's very resourceful.
I'd like to see the rest of the apartment No, no, please.
I do not approve of small child browsing penthouse.
It shouldn't take long.
This penthouse has, I'm guessing, two to three rooms? Two or three rooms? [LAUGHS.]
Two or three rooms? Step this way, orphan boy, and prepare to be so dazzled your eyes will turn black.
[JEROME CHUCKLES.]
[AS OLAF.]
I know what your sister is up to.
We know what you're up to.
You won't get away with it.
Really? Have you seen my press clippings? I could get away with murder again.
This is the formal dining room.
- I love these vases, don't you? - [AS GUNTHER.]
Mmm Sturdy enough to cause a fatal concussion, no? This is the semiformal dining room.
These vases are cute, too.
Yeah, but still heavy enough for a good whacking.
The informal dining room.
Tiny vase can shatter into a million pieces and hit your eye.
This is the games room.
Bowling alley.
My powder room.
- I'm not allowed in here.
- That's right.
[ESMÃ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Now, in this wing, I have a number of rooms where I display my most expensive, most in objects.
This is an enormous basket of rutabagas, the innest root vegetable.
This is a collection of extremely long rubber bands.
And this is Spain's largest handkerchief.
This looks large enough for, how do you say, suffocating rich person.
- What was that? - I said [IMITATES SNEEZING.]
- Oh, bless you.
- Thank you, pretty lady.
I'm allergic to something in this room that is not large handkerchief or you two adult people.
The orphans, perhaps? [GASPS.]
They're orphans? Qué pasa? Yes, I'm allergic to orphans.
- Is it their dust? - Yes, yes, or their ashes.
This clogs up my whole What is the word for it? - Glands? - Life.
Ah! We found Violet.
- How was the tour? - It was thorough.
And? We're back where we started.
Don't be silly.
We started in the dining room.
Speaking of dining, I am so hungry, I could chew off your arm.
The innest restaurant is half a block away.
We'll take the block-long limousine to get there.
Think of the publicity.
We could get our picture in the paper.
- Let's take one now.
- [ESMÃ.]
Yes! - I'm not sure the Baudelaires would - [ESMÃ.]
Jerome, camera.
Kids, come on.
Oh, no, no, pretty lady, please.
Just a money shot.
Orphans in the photo will generate excitement, like celebrities or sled dogs.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
- [GRUNTING.]
- [ESMÃ.]
Lovely.
There we go.
Get the pinstripes in, Jerome.
There we go.
[JEROME.]
Say cheese! Gorgonzola! [OLIVIA.]
"The Baudelaire orphans are this season's fashionable accessories for the city's sixth most important financial adviser, Esmé Gigi Geniveve Squalor, center, who is organizing the In Auction with Gunther, far left, and her husband Jerome, not pictured.
" Do you have any idea how many orphaned students from Prufrock are ending up in the hands of dreadful people? - Surely you're not afraid of foreigners.
- What? Of course not.
I am talking about the parade of tsuris that has plagued the Baudelaires, the Quagmires, and who knows what other orphans, whose affairs you are supposed to be vice president of.
"Tsuris" means "trouble" in Yiddish.
I know what "tsuris" means.
I have taken an unpaid sabbatical from my job as a school librarian to come to the city and investigate.
Frankly, the more I read, the more confused and upset I become.
The same thing happens when I read.
It's why my wife and I prefer to curl up on the sofa and watch a few episodes of streaming television.
I have discovered startling facts and developed disturbing theories.
If you have a few minutes I'm afraid I don't.
If you've ever had to postpone a helicopter ride, you'd know how grumpy the pilots get.
I don't care about grumpy pilots.
The Quagmires must be found, and Olaf must be brought to justice.
Mr.
Poe, please.
I haven't anywhere else to turn.
That's nice.
Jacquelyn, could you bring the helicopter safety harness? Please? [SIGHS.]
In a world too often governed by corruption and arrogance, it can be difficult to stay true to one's principles.
What did you say? In a world too often governed by corruption and arrogance It can be difficult to stay true to one's principles.
- I've heard that a lot recently.
- There's cause to say it.
- Let me call you a taxi.
- Oh No, I can't afford a taxi on an unpaid sabbatical.
I should take the trolley back to Prufrock and beg for my job back.
[LINE RINGING.]
The trolley! - Jacques Snicket? - Jacquelyn Scieszka.
- I need to arrange a pickup.
- What sort? There's a person armed with curiosity and well-defined morals indicated by a concern for children who could be of benefit to the world were she pointed in the direction of its most sinister secrets instead of taking the trolley.
Got it.
Where can I find her? What does she look like? Trolley stop, northwest kitty corner from Mulctuary Money Management.
Bright-eyed woman with a copy of The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations.
Jacquelyn, I'm having some tsuris with my three-hole punch! [COUGHING.]
Jacquelyn.
All aboard for the suburbs and other less-exciting destinations.
All aboard! Not all aboard yet! Wait! If you could just wait.
Please.
[GASPS.]
You almost hit me! A thousand pardons.
I didn't mean to scare you.
I'll never forgive myself.
- Never? - Not for a long time.
- You leaving town? - I interviewed an ice cream vendor, saw 20 minutes of a confusing movie about zombies, and ran into a dead end at a bank.
I don't know where I can go except home in defeat.
Maybe this story's not over.
Need a ride? [SCOFFS.]
It's my first day in the city, but it's not my first day in the city.
You can't expect me to hop into the car of a total stranger.
That is how taxis work.
It's troubling to think about orphans who lost their home and parents in a fire only to be kidnapped from Prufrock.
How did you know I was searching The taxi is just a day gig.
I'm also a member of an organization.
A secret organization? If you know about it, maybe it's not a secret.
- I have been reading.
- That's usually the first step.
- You're a volunteer.
- Jacques Snicket.
Olivia.
Olivia Caliban.
Lean closer, Olivia Caliban.
See better now? Depends on what you show me.
[CAR STARTS.]
[CHAINSAW WHIRRING.]
Oh, dear.
They're cutting down all the trees on our street.
Of course they're cutting them down.
Dark is out, light is in.
Have a wonderful lunch, Mrs.
Squalor.
There's still a manhunt to catch Olaf.
So sorry, please, to keep you waiting, please! I was not on phone call in phone call room.
Ugh.
It is so drafty in here.
- [GUNTHER GRUNTS.]
- [ESMÃ.]
Oh! What the [GUNTHER.]
Some help, please? A little help? - [JEROME CHUCKLES.]
Easy.
- [GUNTHER.]
Okay.
I'm through.
- Limousine, good afternoon.
- My name's actually Abraham.
[JACQUES.]
Our sources are correct.
Only Olaf would feel the need to hide under a cape.
Jacquelyn, it's as we suspected.
Count Olaf is hiding the Quagmires at 667 Dark Avenue until the manhunt is over.
He and the Squalors are going to lunch.
We'll take it from here if you take it from there.
Who's "we"? The new recruit, that's who.
Good.
We need all the help we can get.
My wife is here to drive me to the helicopter pad.
But, Mr.
Poe, it's Secretary's Day.
Are you saying I shouldn't fly in a deathtrap but instead take you out to lunch on solid ground? - I can be ready in five minutes.
- Me, too.
Tell me, where do the city's most powerful financial advisers lunch? Let's go someplace spiffy and schmancy.
Someplace in.
[POE COUGHING.]
Limousine, corner of Dark and Stormy.
Step on it.
- I love that new coat.
- Yes, isn't it in? Imprisoned nuns made it from the feathers of a rare species of bat.
Bats don't have feathers.
- Not this species.
- Not anymore.
[CHUCKLING.]
[GUNTHER.]
Other door! Other door! Here we are, Mrs.
Squalor.
- Thank you, Limousine.
- My name's actually - You searched the entire penthouse? - I'm sure.
I had a system to keep track.
- If the Quagmires are in arm's reach - They must be in the building.
- Welcome to Herring Houdini.
- [EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST.]
Welcome to Herring Houdini, a legitimate business.
With no secret agenda behind it.
Welcome to Herring Houdini, home of pickled fish.
- Everything has been prepared for you.
- And very quickly.
But not because we got a call five minutes ago.
For the children, we offer a tour of the kitchen.
Where they will probably not be thrown into a burlap sack.
- And for the adults - Vodka martinis.
Which don't have any sleeping potion in them at all.
We can't eat here.
This sounds perfect, yes.
I don't like to argue.
I'll let my wife decide.
Vodka martini? Are we living in garbage? [ALL EXCLAIM.]
Isn't this a fine kettle of fish? [ESMÃ.]
Limousine, take us to a restaurant that is actually in.
There.
Pretty lady, why don't you eat here with your boring husband? I'll take the children to the herring restaurant for kidnapping.
- I mean hors d'oeuvres.
- We're not driving back there.
- It is, please, important.
- You're either in or you're out.
Besides, look at this place.
Daily Punctilio says it's the innest thing since that bakery on 9th Street.
Sliced Bread.
- Café Salmonella? - You're going to love the theme.
[JEROME.]
Mmm! Hello.
I'm Larry, your waiter.
Welcome to Café Salmonella, the innest restaurant, and the only one serving an all-salmon menu, including beverages and table linens.
[BABBLING.]
It's that waiter.
He's everywhere we go.
He's always trying to help.
Larry.
I, uh I am feeling queasy, please.
I need to run back to pretty lady's apartment - where there is nothing hidden.
- [LARRY.]
Nonsense.
We've had the menu translated for our foreign guests.
What language did you have it translated into? The one you speak most fluently.
Well, well, I speak all of them hella fluently, so - Then there's nothing to worry about.
- I Ow.
How did you May I start you off with still or sparkling salmon-flavored water? Salmon-flavored? You are making my mouth water and turn pink.
How do you make it salmon-flavored? We put salmon in it.
- I'll have regular water.
- So would we.
Nonsense! What if someone sees you? Regular water isn't in.
It's the primary ingredient in aqueous martinis.
The young people might enjoy playing along with the theme of Café Salmonella and its virulently fishy decor.
We just wish our friends could be here enjoying it with us.
That's understandable.
It's quite a quagmire to be stuck in a fashionable apartment while others are enjoying the escape of a glamorous meal.
Can you be more specific? Sit tight for a long lunch, and everything will be taken care of by your loyal wait staff.
I suggest a 46-course tasting menu designed for persons living in a 46-story building.
It is a nice, slow, leisurely meal that keeps people in their seats until everyone has been successfully rescued.
My brother once said suspicious activity is like good jazz.
We'll know it when we hear it.
We have agents making sure Olaf's lunch will take as long as possible, giving us time to search the building.
All 46 stories.
Even if we get past the doorperson, 46 stories is a lot of ground to cover, and a lot of stairs.
- Who said we'll take the stairs? - How long do we have? As long as it takes rich people to eat lunch.
"Rich People Have Lunch.
" Wait until the readers of the Daily Punctilio see this.
Esmé Squalor dining at Café Salmonella with three orphans and a handsome foreign man.
- And her husband.
- Not pictured.
Je m'appelle Ooh! Continental.
Baudelaires, so happy to see you, and in such stylish circumstances.
An unemployed librarian came into my office who had her doubts about you living in high society.
Now that I see you eating in a stylish restaurant, I know you'll be properly cared for by the city's seventh most powerful financial adviser.
[ESMÃ.]
Sixth! - Sixth! Sixth most - Sixth.
Sixth.
Mr.
Poe, it's important we speak with you.
It's important I speak with the lady with flashy camera.
It's true that you're deciding which restaurant is in und which is out? The Daily Punctilio has an impeccable reputation.
We predicted the outcome of two of the last nine elections.
Would you like a hot tip on the next restaurant to be in? - From a handsome foreign man? Do tell! - Right this way.
[COUGHING.]
[COUGHING.]
If you're here, who's looking for the Quagmires? [GASPS.]
An excellent question, Klaus.
You remember my administrative assistant, Jacquelyn.
- Of course.
- We've seen her in a movie.
And a labyrinth.
And in my office.
She asked for a lunch to celebrate Secretary's Day.
I was in the mood for some vigorously fancy dining.
So we can all sit back and relax, because everything is going according to plan.
Plan? - Suction cups.
- Suction cups.
Non-slippery shoes.
Non-slippery shoes.
Safety rope.
- I have a question about the rope.
- It attaches to your waist.
Then what does it attach to? The building? The fire escape? Me.
So, Jacques Snicket, we go down together.
No, Olivia Caliban, we go up together.
I'm back! Oh! Did I miss the entire lunch? You didn't even miss the first course, which is creamy salmon soup with a hint of salmon and the eye of a salmon hidden in the bottom.
Keep your eyes peeled.
I hope we find the Quagmires soon and that these ropes are sturdy.
The next course is salmon sabayon, which I'll pour very slowly from this little pitcher that looks like a salmon throwing up.
We're just gonna sorta dance this around a little bit.
[LARRY.]
Salmon bread served with salmon butter distilled from the head of a freshly caught salmon.
What am I tasting here? Rutabaga.
The life cycle of the salmon is not unlike the life cycle of human beings, in that it begins in cozy circumstances, gets progressively colder, and often ends in suffering and tragedy.
Now this salmon here was burned alive.
One of the most difficult aspects of a salmon's life cycle is when they swim upstream to spawn, a word which here means "spend quality time with the salmon they love most.
" Swimming upstream is a difficult thing to do, because you are swimming against the current.
The Baudelaires felt as if they were swimming upstream at Café Salmonella, and not just because they were surrounded by so much salmon.
- Gravlax! - Gravlax? - Salmon.
- Ah.
They were swimming against the current of everyone believing Olaf was a foreign man named Gunther.
Gunther, your culture is so interesting.
Not like other countries that make me feel guilty and uncomfortable.
Jerome, have you noticed anything about Gunther? He has a bit of an accent.
[CHUCKLES.]
Something more suspicious than an accent.
Baudelaires, I'm surprised at you.
Do you know what "xenophobia" means? Phobia means "the fear of," like podophobia means "the fear of feet.
" Yes, but xenophobia is the fear of strangers because they come from different places or happen to eat different foods Salmon tail salad - with some salmon skin croutons.
- Lovely.
- Ooh! - Ooh.
I never expected you children to be xenophobic.
Your parents weren't afraid of anything.
You should've seen your mother when she fought that eagle.
She was a remarkable woman.
I just wish that I'd listened to her more.
Why did you lose touch? - There's many factors - Make way for an important reporter.
I just phoned in a hot scoop that will really elevate our readership.
Elevate our Elevate our Elevator Elevator Elevate our readership.
What did you say? I said, "Important reporter coming through.
" You're thinking.
It could be nothing, but it could be everything.
Can we get back to 667 Dark Avenue? Not until you get through the entire life cycle of the salmon.
This is, how do I say, the end, il finito, el end de lunch de salmono, please.
Please! Please, sir.
There are more floors, I mean courses, to go.
We can't leave now.
Eating too much food for too much money is the essence of civilization.
Nothing would make me leave this place! [SCREAMS.]
Café Salmonella is out! Herring Houdini is in! [PATRONS GASPING, MUTTERING.]
Finally! I'm putting the orphans in doggy bag to take home.
What are you talking about? It's time to eat! - After a meal like that - Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Before anyone else sees us eating in this hole-in-the-wall! This place is so out! This is our chance.
Jerome, that place is fishy.
Don't eat or drink anything they give you.
I never want to eat or drink anything fishy again.
[CROWD CLAMORING.]
- It's no use! - We're swimming upstream! Where [SIGHS DEEPLY.]
[SUNNY BABBLING.]
Donner, party of five? Donner? You did it again, Eleanora.
Look at this crowd.
Every journalist knows when a foreign man gives you a tip, you should believe him without question.
- Right this way, rich people! - Oh! [MUTTERS.]
You're certain there's no herring in this? - I promise.
- Oh, thank God.
This isn't working.
You need to shut this place down.
Are you kidding? We're booked through February.
Never mind that! Where are the orphans? Ow! God! We've searched 45 floors.
No sign of the Quagmires.
Let's hope we get lucky in the penthouse.
[KLAUS PANTING.]
What Mrs.
Poe said about elevators got me thinking.
On every other floor there is one elevator, but here there's two.
There has to be an explanation.
[KLAUS.]
Maybe it's where Count Olaf hid the Quagmires.
No platform, no console, no cables or electromagnetic braking system.
- There's no elevator at all.
- The elevator's ersatz.
- It's just a long dark tunnel.
- A shaft.
[BABBLES.]
The Quagmires got kidnapped while trying to help us.
- It's our fault they're gone.
- It's not.
- It is if we don't rescue them.
- We will.
[ESMÃ.]
Mmm! Mmm-mmm-mmm.
[FLY BUZZING.]
This food is so much better than all that other delicious food at that other place.
Excuse me.
They disappeared.
We've managed to lure everyone else except for the orphans.
We'll skip dessert, please.
Yes.
Yes, this food is so in, it's actually hard to be in my mouth.
What do you think, Jerome? I'm sorry.
I'm feeling so sleepy.
It must be something I drank.
You can sleep it off on way home.
Hurry to penthouse to make sure nothing has been stolen during the afternoon.
You're not going anywhere until you entertain us with a song.
What? Didn't that man work at the other place? My sources have learned you're quite the chanteuse.
No, that's the lighting.
My skin is regular foreign color.
He's being modest.
Gunther's songbird skills have earned him more or less favorable reviews in one small magazine.
No, no.
You must be thinking of other foreign man.
Why, you'd have to launch a citywide manhunt to catch a singer this good.
Won't you please grace the crowd at this in restaurant with a little song? I know the readers of the Daily Punctilio would love to hear about a man from a foreign country singing in a restaurant.
Mmm, mmm, mmm! Publicity.
Some music will help me digest my fish heads.
No! No! No! Absolutely What's the word? Never as long as I live.
Pretty please? For Secretary's Day? [GASPS.]
For Secretary's Day! [BOTH CHANTING.]
For Secretary's Day! For Secretary's Day! [ALL.]
For Secretary's Day! For Secretary's Day! For Secretary's Day! For Secretary's Day! For Secretary's Day! For Secretary's Day! [SOFTLY.]
For Secretary's Day! If you insist.
[ALL CHEERING.]
Mind the tempo on the bridge and watch me for the key changes.
People always ask me, "Gunther Why are you such a big Handsome success? What's the secret of your looks And brains and accent, please?" I just wink and tell them "Can't you guess?" You've Got To Keep chasing your schemes Keep chasing your schemes Your future's, what's the word for So very far away Getting closer month by week I mean, day You'll be in charge of all the new regimes If you keep chasing your schemes The world is hunting you down Like a criminal But now your chances of failure Are minimal [DISHES CLATTERING.]
No one's going to hand you A fortune on a plate You've got to open wide Put your mouth around the bait You gotta keep chasing your schemes Keep chasing your schemes A journey begins with one single step To get to the end You gotta schlep, schlep, schlep Your goals are like a sapphire Watch it as it gleams You gotta keep chasing your schemes Let's hear it for the band! Yes, keep chasing your schemes I don't mean maybe Keep chasing your schemes You ugly baby Ratchet down the hack of life To very dark extremes You gotta Ow.
Keep chasing your schemes You nervous? I'm anxious.
I'm not sure if I'm ready to do this.
Me neither.
If we wait until we're ready, we'll wait the rest of our lives.
- Duncan! - Isadora! You gotta just keep Chasing your schemes [SINGING HIGH-PITCHED NOTE.]
Look away, look away Look away, look away This show will wreck your evening Your whole life and your day Every single episode Is nothing but dismay So look away Look away, look away The Baudelaires are taken in By people who are rich But Olaf has a plan That's going off without a hitch It's a race against the clock To rescue their two kidnapped friends You'll need rescuing yourself Before this grim tale ends Just look away, look away There's nothing but horror And inconvenience on the way Ask any stable person, "Should I watch?" And they will say Look away, look away, look away Look away, look away Look away, look away Look away, look away [TYPING.]
The episode you are about to watch, assuming your eyes are open and tilted towards me, is a story which can teach you the difference between the word "nervous" and the word "anxious.
" The word "nervous" means "worried about something.
" The way you might feel if you were served prune ice cream, because you'd be worried it would taste awful.
I'm nervous.
"Anxious," on the other hand, means "troubled by disturbing suspense.
" The way you might feel if you were served a live alligator, because you'd be troubled by the suspense of whether you would eat your dessert or it would eat you.
I'm anxious.
[PEOPLE SCREAMING.]
If you are thinking about the story of the Baudelaire orphans, you might feel nervous because you do not know how it ends.
But if you are viewing this story, you will be anxious and troubled by the disturbing suspense in which they find themselves hopelessly trapped.
[MR.
POE COUGHING.]
Now, Baudelaires, I know you must be nervous.
I was a little nervous trying to find you a new guardian, given your track record.
But never fear.
This is a very fashionable block.
Much more fashionable than where you lived, even though it's a few blocks away.
We're not concerned with how fashionable it is.
We're more than nervous, Mr.
Poe.
We're anxious.
Our friends have been kidnapped by Olaf.
- Yes, the Quagmire twins.
- Triplets.
- There's only two of them.
- Quigley died in a fire.
Then no need to worry about him.
As for Dennis and Iphigenia Duncan and Isadora.
- Do you know what that is? - [KLAUS.]
A police car? A citywide manhunt to apprehend Olaf and rescue your friends.
We at Mulctuary Money Management are co-sponsoring every effort to bring this ghastly villain to justice.
Look at the wanted posters we had pasted up all over town.
[KLAUS.]
You can't see them.
The trees are blocking the light.
[MR.
POE.]
Trust me.
It's a good likeness of a very bad person.
Once I have dropped you at this apartment where old friends of your parents have promised to be your guardians, I'm taking a helicopter ride to search for the Quagmires using the binoculars my wife gave me as an anniversary present.
Now, let's see Has anyone seen the numbers 667? It should be somewhere on this block.
Another mysterious set of our parents' friends.
Who we've never met.
[SQUEALS.]
[COUGHS.]
Found the building.
It's right next to this lamppost I just ran into.
Names? I'm Violet, and these are my siblings, Klaus and Sunny.
You're expected.
But who's that behind you with a nosebleed? This is a restricted area.
Don't mind me.
I'm just dropping off the Baudelaires, and then I'm off to find a clinic and/or bag of frozen peas before I miss my helicopter.
Sorry.
No unauthorized parties allowed.
There's a manhunt going on.
Well, in that case, goodbye, Baudelaires.
If you need to contact me, remember I'll be in a helicopter and won't be reachable at any moment at any time.
- Friend of yours? - Oh, he works at a bank.
I know the type.
In fact, you'll be staying with the city's sixth most important financial adviser.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Squalor live in the penthouse, which is the top floor of 667 Dark Avenue, the most fashionable and secure building in town.
Count Olaf won't be able to get in or out of this building.
Sorry about the lighting.
Dark is in.
- In what? - Just in.
You can take these stairs to the penthouse.
[VIOLET.]
Is the elevator out of order? I'm good with mechanical devices.
I'd be happy to look at it.
A kind and unusual offer, but it's not out of order.
Just out.
I'll phone the penthouse and tell them to expect you within the hour.
[KLAUS.]
People who live in penthouses are rich and powerful.
I hope they can help us find the Quagmires.
We don't have a clue where Olaf could have taken them.
We're in the dark.
The phrase "in the dark," which I'm sure you know, can refer to not only one's shadowy surroundings, but also to the secrets which might be surrounding you.
Every day, the sun goes down over all of these secrets, so everyone is in the dark in one way or another.
If you are sunbathing in the park, but you do not know about the deep and dangerous pit nearby, then you are in the dark even though you are not actually in the dark.
If you are on a midnight hike knowing full well that several ballerinas are following you, then you are not in the dark even though you are in the dark.
Of course, it is possible to be in the dark in the dark, and to be not in the dark not in the dark.
But there are so many secrets in this world that it is likely that you are always in the dark about something, whether you're in the dark in the dark or in the dark not in the dark.
So you'll eventually fall into the deep and dangerous pit dug by several ballerinas, which is dark in the dark in the park.
That's odd.
There's two sets of elevator doors.
See? On every other floor, there's just one.
[MAN GASPS.]
You must be the Baudelaires.
Welcome.
The door's always unlocked.
My name is Jerome Squalor.
I'm so happy you've come to stay with us.
How do you do, Mr.
Squalor? You must be out of breath from that climb.
I can think of two things to do about that.
One, stop calling me Mr.
Squalor and start calling me Jerome.
Number two, I am gonna make you a nice, cold martini.
Come this way.
A martini? Isn't that an alcoholic drink? [LAUGHS.]
Usually it is.
But alcoholic martinis are out and aqueous martinis are in.
Aqueous martinis? It's just cold water in a fancy glass with an olive in it.
[BABBLES.]
We've never had aqueous martinis before, but we'll try them.
You're adventurous, just like your parents.
I remember when we went up to Mount Fraught and did high-impact bird-watching.
How many years ago was that? - Was Montgomery Montgomery there? - Or Josephine Anwhistle? Who? No, I never met any of your previous guardians.
- You don't happen to own a spyglass? - [GROANS.]
No.
But one of the eagles flew off with my best pair of binoculars that day.
I was not happy.
And then, soon after that, I lost touch with your parents.
You know how it is.
You get older.
You find different interests.
You marry a woman who despises all of your old friends.
[CHUCKLES.]
But there's no need to discuss such unpleasantness.
I wanted to adopt you the moment I heard about the fire.
Unfortunately, it was impossible.
[ESMÃ.]
Orphans were out then.
But now they're in.
- Good evening.
- It's mid-morning, my precious.
I'm Esmé Gigi Geniveve Squalor, the city's sixth most important financial adviser.
Even though I am unbelievably wealthy, you may call me Esmé.
I'll learn your names later.
I am very happy you're here.
When all my friends hear that I have three real live orphans, they'll be sick with jealousy.
Won't they, Jerome? I don't know.
I don't like to hear that anybody's sick.
You'll have such a glamorous life with me that your friends' eyes will roll back in their heads.
You will be exposed to all the innest restaurants, the innest boutiques, premieres, cockfights, gallery openings.
What my wife means is that we hope you'll feel safe and secure.
- Don't tell them silly things.
- Okay.
Children, here are things you should know.
Dark is in, light is out.
Stairs are in, elevators are out.
- Pinstripe suits are - In.
In.
- In.
- Yes.
Those horrible clothes you're wearing are out.
What my wife means is we hope you'll feel comfortable while you're here.
I feel awful about all the terrible experiences you've had.
This entire time, we could've been taking care of you It couldn't be helped.
When something's out, it's out.
And orphans used to be out.
We're glad you're interested in orphans now, because we are concerned about some of our friends.
- Mmm.
- Oh The Quagmires.
I'm sure you're anxious for them to be rescued.
We are anxious.
If there's one good thing about being rich and powerful, it's you don't have to be anxious.
After they're found, the Quagmires will live right here with us.
- The more orphans the better.
- [JEROME CHUCKLES.]
- It's handy to have a few spares.
- [JEROME.]
Okay.
Rest at ease, Baudelaires.
You live in a penthouse now.
You're never going to want for anything again.
All we want is for our friends to be safe.
[SIGHS.]
Well, I'm sure we'll hear good news soon.
[SHRIEKS.]
Big fat fantastic news about what we were just talking about! - Has Olaf been captured? - The Quagmires rescued? - Better.
- [GASPS.]
- Dark is out, light is in.
- Oh.
We have to turn on lamps and open curtains before anyone sees.
Flip the light switches in the west wing.
Baudelaires, open the curtains in the living room.
I'll run around in panicky circles.
Something tells me the Squalors won't be as helpful as we need them to be.
Meanwhile, Olaf could be getting further and further away.
Does this seem like a nightmare? A bad dream? Because that's the effect I was going for.
Well, I have nightmares, too, orphans.
I wake up in the middle of the night screaming, and the only thing that comforts me is knowing the three of you will soon be screaming.
Just like another set of wealthy orphans that happen to be in my clutches.
- Duncan and Isadora.
- Where are they? You mean you don't know? I thought everybody could smell wealthy orphans when they were in arm's reach.
[SNIFFS.]
Well, not to worry.
Soon all of you orphans will be in my clutches.
Quagmires in one clutch, and you, Baudelaires, in the other.
This pesky citywide manhunt may have foreshadowed me from taking them far away, but not for long.
You mean "forestalled.
" But we're gonna stop you.
- Mr.
and Mrs.
Squalor! - [VIOLET.]
Olaf is here! - [JEROME.]
What? - [ESMÃ.]
It can't be! Did I hear you right? How did he get past the doorperson? How did he slip by the citywide manhunt? - Where is he? - Right here! [AS GUNTHER.]
It is true, please, what the babushka is saying.
- What? - Count Olaf, please, is right here.
[SCREAMS.]
This poster is limited edition, please, and is autographed by the star of this month's manhunt.
How in the world did you manage that? Please, pretty lady, I am foreigner.
We have secret ways.
Who is this man? Jerome, I told you Gunther was coming over today, and that he might need to hide behind the curtains.
Oh, yes! It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
- Hello, please.
- Okay.
[GUNTHER.]
I hope you'll forgive the way I am talking, but I am, please, a foreigner.
Very nice to meet the husband of pretty lady Esmé and three hideous children.
Is "hideous" the right word for what it is I am trying to say? [BABBLES.]
So foreign, so in.
This is Olaf, and I don't mean the poster.
[GUNTHER.]
Beautiful, no? I can see that Count Olaf is as handsome as a noble steed riding on the back of a beautiful princess.
His legendary handsomeness is celebrated in special weekly holidays in my faraway land, please.
What faraway land is that? Far away.
Oh.
I don't think Count Olaf can get very far away.
Not with the law closing in.
Oh.
But think about the poor Quagmire twins and their sparkly sapphires.
They're not twins.
If this Count Olaf is somehow recognized and taken to jail, the little Quaggies will never be found in their, how do you say in your language, super-duper hiding place, and they will starve to death like castaways on desert island or vegetarian restaurant, please.
[ESMÃ.]
Oh! Let's not talk about depressing things like others being kidnapped.
Let's talk about exciting things happening to me, - like the In Auction we're planning.
- Ah! The In Auction is happening on the innest day, tomorrow, at the innest auction house, Veblen Hall, and is being hosted by the innest auctioneer, this foreign man named Gunther.
Just look, look, look, look.
Just look at this glossy but classy catalog.
This auction is going to be so fashionable that people are going to have heart attacks and hives.
Of course, all the money goes to a good cause.
Aw! Which good cause? - Me.
Me.
- Me.
Me.
Every last penny goes to me.
Yes, but there will be auctioneer's fee and incidentals, so Shouldn't we give the proceeds to those who need it? Perhaps those starving people we were reading about? Starving people can't eat money.
Plus, if we give money to poor people, they won't be poor, and we won't have anyone to feel sorry for.
[GUNTHER.]
Aw, poor people.
Which reminds me, you poor wealthy orphans, go far away, please.
Esmé and I have to talk big fat business.
Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Jerome, I need you to put the children into pinstripe suits before anyone sees them in those clothes and my life is ruined.
Ah.
Come this way.
Okay.
Ah, now, the Duchess of Winnipeg once stayed in this very room.
- No, this one.
- How many rooms are there? Seventy-one, I think.
I don't know what's in half of them.
The other day I found a kitchen I'd never seen before, and the omelet was really good.
So the penthouse has lots of places to hide.
Oh, I love hide and seek! But it's so big, I thought you'd like to bunk together tonight.
Children could get lost in this penthouse for ages.
Here's your pinstripe suits.
I'm going to make another round of martinis while you three change.
I am so glad you're here.
[CHUCKLES.]
I can't believe Olaf found us so quickly.
That means the Quagmires are close.
He said they were in arm's reach, because the manhunt forestalled him.
[BABBLING.]
What if he's hiding them in this apartment? Jerome said he doesn't know what's in every room.
And that children could stay lost for ages.
Esmé invited Gunther here.
Do you think they're working together? Esmé's already rich.
She doesn't need our fortune.
Yeah, but she seems to be falling for Count Olaf.
He could marry her and become our guardian.
If something happens to Jerome.
Would pretty lady Esmé und husband like to see party trick? - Yes.
- Come, come, stand right here.
[JEROME GASPS.]
[JEROME CHUCKLING.]
No.
[GUNTER GRUNTS.]
- [JEROME GRUNTS.]
- [SCREAMS.]
[GRUNTS.]
This sofa belonged to the King of Arizona.
You don't recline on it! - Sorry, darling.
- But Gunther and the chandelier.
Gunther was just showing us cane tricks that earned him a bronze medal for his country's non-trademark-violating version of the Olympics.
Right? In my country, children do not interrupt married couple and foreign man turning tricks.
Let's forgive them this once, seeing as they've finally put on some in suits.
Where is the other one, please? My sister's exploring.
She said she wants to see every inch of this penthouse.
I hope she's careful.
Without a system, a person could get lost.
My sister's very resourceful.
I'd like to see the rest of the apartment No, no, please.
I do not approve of small child browsing penthouse.
It shouldn't take long.
This penthouse has, I'm guessing, two to three rooms? Two or three rooms? [LAUGHS.]
Two or three rooms? Step this way, orphan boy, and prepare to be so dazzled your eyes will turn black.
[JEROME CHUCKLES.]
[AS OLAF.]
I know what your sister is up to.
We know what you're up to.
You won't get away with it.
Really? Have you seen my press clippings? I could get away with murder again.
This is the formal dining room.
- I love these vases, don't you? - [AS GUNTHER.]
Mmm Sturdy enough to cause a fatal concussion, no? This is the semiformal dining room.
These vases are cute, too.
Yeah, but still heavy enough for a good whacking.
The informal dining room.
Tiny vase can shatter into a million pieces and hit your eye.
This is the games room.
Bowling alley.
My powder room.
- I'm not allowed in here.
- That's right.
[ESMÃ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Now, in this wing, I have a number of rooms where I display my most expensive, most in objects.
This is an enormous basket of rutabagas, the innest root vegetable.
This is a collection of extremely long rubber bands.
And this is Spain's largest handkerchief.
This looks large enough for, how do you say, suffocating rich person.
- What was that? - I said [IMITATES SNEEZING.]
- Oh, bless you.
- Thank you, pretty lady.
I'm allergic to something in this room that is not large handkerchief or you two adult people.
The orphans, perhaps? [GASPS.]
They're orphans? Qué pasa? Yes, I'm allergic to orphans.
- Is it their dust? - Yes, yes, or their ashes.
This clogs up my whole What is the word for it? - Glands? - Life.
Ah! We found Violet.
- How was the tour? - It was thorough.
And? We're back where we started.
Don't be silly.
We started in the dining room.
Speaking of dining, I am so hungry, I could chew off your arm.
The innest restaurant is half a block away.
We'll take the block-long limousine to get there.
Think of the publicity.
We could get our picture in the paper.
- Let's take one now.
- [ESMÃ.]
Yes! - I'm not sure the Baudelaires would - [ESMÃ.]
Jerome, camera.
Kids, come on.
Oh, no, no, pretty lady, please.
Just a money shot.
Orphans in the photo will generate excitement, like celebrities or sled dogs.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
- [GRUNTING.]
- [ESMÃ.]
Lovely.
There we go.
Get the pinstripes in, Jerome.
There we go.
[JEROME.]
Say cheese! Gorgonzola! [OLIVIA.]
"The Baudelaire orphans are this season's fashionable accessories for the city's sixth most important financial adviser, Esmé Gigi Geniveve Squalor, center, who is organizing the In Auction with Gunther, far left, and her husband Jerome, not pictured.
" Do you have any idea how many orphaned students from Prufrock are ending up in the hands of dreadful people? - Surely you're not afraid of foreigners.
- What? Of course not.
I am talking about the parade of tsuris that has plagued the Baudelaires, the Quagmires, and who knows what other orphans, whose affairs you are supposed to be vice president of.
"Tsuris" means "trouble" in Yiddish.
I know what "tsuris" means.
I have taken an unpaid sabbatical from my job as a school librarian to come to the city and investigate.
Frankly, the more I read, the more confused and upset I become.
The same thing happens when I read.
It's why my wife and I prefer to curl up on the sofa and watch a few episodes of streaming television.
I have discovered startling facts and developed disturbing theories.
If you have a few minutes I'm afraid I don't.
If you've ever had to postpone a helicopter ride, you'd know how grumpy the pilots get.
I don't care about grumpy pilots.
The Quagmires must be found, and Olaf must be brought to justice.
Mr.
Poe, please.
I haven't anywhere else to turn.
That's nice.
Jacquelyn, could you bring the helicopter safety harness? Please? [SIGHS.]
In a world too often governed by corruption and arrogance, it can be difficult to stay true to one's principles.
What did you say? In a world too often governed by corruption and arrogance It can be difficult to stay true to one's principles.
- I've heard that a lot recently.
- There's cause to say it.
- Let me call you a taxi.
- Oh No, I can't afford a taxi on an unpaid sabbatical.
I should take the trolley back to Prufrock and beg for my job back.
[LINE RINGING.]
The trolley! - Jacques Snicket? - Jacquelyn Scieszka.
- I need to arrange a pickup.
- What sort? There's a person armed with curiosity and well-defined morals indicated by a concern for children who could be of benefit to the world were she pointed in the direction of its most sinister secrets instead of taking the trolley.
Got it.
Where can I find her? What does she look like? Trolley stop, northwest kitty corner from Mulctuary Money Management.
Bright-eyed woman with a copy of The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations.
Jacquelyn, I'm having some tsuris with my three-hole punch! [COUGHING.]
Jacquelyn.
All aboard for the suburbs and other less-exciting destinations.
All aboard! Not all aboard yet! Wait! If you could just wait.
Please.
[GASPS.]
You almost hit me! A thousand pardons.
I didn't mean to scare you.
I'll never forgive myself.
- Never? - Not for a long time.
- You leaving town? - I interviewed an ice cream vendor, saw 20 minutes of a confusing movie about zombies, and ran into a dead end at a bank.
I don't know where I can go except home in defeat.
Maybe this story's not over.
Need a ride? [SCOFFS.]
It's my first day in the city, but it's not my first day in the city.
You can't expect me to hop into the car of a total stranger.
That is how taxis work.
It's troubling to think about orphans who lost their home and parents in a fire only to be kidnapped from Prufrock.
How did you know I was searching The taxi is just a day gig.
I'm also a member of an organization.
A secret organization? If you know about it, maybe it's not a secret.
- I have been reading.
- That's usually the first step.
- You're a volunteer.
- Jacques Snicket.
Olivia.
Olivia Caliban.
Lean closer, Olivia Caliban.
See better now? Depends on what you show me.
[CAR STARTS.]
[CHAINSAW WHIRRING.]
Oh, dear.
They're cutting down all the trees on our street.
Of course they're cutting them down.
Dark is out, light is in.
Have a wonderful lunch, Mrs.
Squalor.
There's still a manhunt to catch Olaf.
So sorry, please, to keep you waiting, please! I was not on phone call in phone call room.
Ugh.
It is so drafty in here.
- [GUNTHER GRUNTS.]
- [ESMÃ.]
Oh! What the [GUNTHER.]
Some help, please? A little help? - [JEROME CHUCKLES.]
Easy.
- [GUNTHER.]
Okay.
I'm through.
- Limousine, good afternoon.
- My name's actually Abraham.
[JACQUES.]
Our sources are correct.
Only Olaf would feel the need to hide under a cape.
Jacquelyn, it's as we suspected.
Count Olaf is hiding the Quagmires at 667 Dark Avenue until the manhunt is over.
He and the Squalors are going to lunch.
We'll take it from here if you take it from there.
Who's "we"? The new recruit, that's who.
Good.
We need all the help we can get.
My wife is here to drive me to the helicopter pad.
But, Mr.
Poe, it's Secretary's Day.
Are you saying I shouldn't fly in a deathtrap but instead take you out to lunch on solid ground? - I can be ready in five minutes.
- Me, too.
Tell me, where do the city's most powerful financial advisers lunch? Let's go someplace spiffy and schmancy.
Someplace in.
[POE COUGHING.]
Limousine, corner of Dark and Stormy.
Step on it.
- I love that new coat.
- Yes, isn't it in? Imprisoned nuns made it from the feathers of a rare species of bat.
Bats don't have feathers.
- Not this species.
- Not anymore.
[CHUCKLING.]
[GUNTHER.]
Other door! Other door! Here we are, Mrs.
Squalor.
- Thank you, Limousine.
- My name's actually - You searched the entire penthouse? - I'm sure.
I had a system to keep track.
- If the Quagmires are in arm's reach - They must be in the building.
- Welcome to Herring Houdini.
- [EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST.]
Welcome to Herring Houdini, a legitimate business.
With no secret agenda behind it.
Welcome to Herring Houdini, home of pickled fish.
- Everything has been prepared for you.
- And very quickly.
But not because we got a call five minutes ago.
For the children, we offer a tour of the kitchen.
Where they will probably not be thrown into a burlap sack.
- And for the adults - Vodka martinis.
Which don't have any sleeping potion in them at all.
We can't eat here.
This sounds perfect, yes.
I don't like to argue.
I'll let my wife decide.
Vodka martini? Are we living in garbage? [ALL EXCLAIM.]
Isn't this a fine kettle of fish? [ESMÃ.]
Limousine, take us to a restaurant that is actually in.
There.
Pretty lady, why don't you eat here with your boring husband? I'll take the children to the herring restaurant for kidnapping.
- I mean hors d'oeuvres.
- We're not driving back there.
- It is, please, important.
- You're either in or you're out.
Besides, look at this place.
Daily Punctilio says it's the innest thing since that bakery on 9th Street.
Sliced Bread.
- Café Salmonella? - You're going to love the theme.
[JEROME.]
Mmm! Hello.
I'm Larry, your waiter.
Welcome to Café Salmonella, the innest restaurant, and the only one serving an all-salmon menu, including beverages and table linens.
[BABBLING.]
It's that waiter.
He's everywhere we go.
He's always trying to help.
Larry.
I, uh I am feeling queasy, please.
I need to run back to pretty lady's apartment - where there is nothing hidden.
- [LARRY.]
Nonsense.
We've had the menu translated for our foreign guests.
What language did you have it translated into? The one you speak most fluently.
Well, well, I speak all of them hella fluently, so - Then there's nothing to worry about.
- I Ow.
How did you May I start you off with still or sparkling salmon-flavored water? Salmon-flavored? You are making my mouth water and turn pink.
How do you make it salmon-flavored? We put salmon in it.
- I'll have regular water.
- So would we.
Nonsense! What if someone sees you? Regular water isn't in.
It's the primary ingredient in aqueous martinis.
The young people might enjoy playing along with the theme of Café Salmonella and its virulently fishy decor.
We just wish our friends could be here enjoying it with us.
That's understandable.
It's quite a quagmire to be stuck in a fashionable apartment while others are enjoying the escape of a glamorous meal.
Can you be more specific? Sit tight for a long lunch, and everything will be taken care of by your loyal wait staff.
I suggest a 46-course tasting menu designed for persons living in a 46-story building.
It is a nice, slow, leisurely meal that keeps people in their seats until everyone has been successfully rescued.
My brother once said suspicious activity is like good jazz.
We'll know it when we hear it.
We have agents making sure Olaf's lunch will take as long as possible, giving us time to search the building.
All 46 stories.
Even if we get past the doorperson, 46 stories is a lot of ground to cover, and a lot of stairs.
- Who said we'll take the stairs? - How long do we have? As long as it takes rich people to eat lunch.
"Rich People Have Lunch.
" Wait until the readers of the Daily Punctilio see this.
Esmé Squalor dining at Café Salmonella with three orphans and a handsome foreign man.
- And her husband.
- Not pictured.
Je m'appelle Ooh! Continental.
Baudelaires, so happy to see you, and in such stylish circumstances.
An unemployed librarian came into my office who had her doubts about you living in high society.
Now that I see you eating in a stylish restaurant, I know you'll be properly cared for by the city's seventh most powerful financial adviser.
[ESMÃ.]
Sixth! - Sixth! Sixth most - Sixth.
Sixth.
Mr.
Poe, it's important we speak with you.
It's important I speak with the lady with flashy camera.
It's true that you're deciding which restaurant is in und which is out? The Daily Punctilio has an impeccable reputation.
We predicted the outcome of two of the last nine elections.
Would you like a hot tip on the next restaurant to be in? - From a handsome foreign man? Do tell! - Right this way.
[COUGHING.]
[COUGHING.]
If you're here, who's looking for the Quagmires? [GASPS.]
An excellent question, Klaus.
You remember my administrative assistant, Jacquelyn.
- Of course.
- We've seen her in a movie.
And a labyrinth.
And in my office.
She asked for a lunch to celebrate Secretary's Day.
I was in the mood for some vigorously fancy dining.
So we can all sit back and relax, because everything is going according to plan.
Plan? - Suction cups.
- Suction cups.
Non-slippery shoes.
Non-slippery shoes.
Safety rope.
- I have a question about the rope.
- It attaches to your waist.
Then what does it attach to? The building? The fire escape? Me.
So, Jacques Snicket, we go down together.
No, Olivia Caliban, we go up together.
I'm back! Oh! Did I miss the entire lunch? You didn't even miss the first course, which is creamy salmon soup with a hint of salmon and the eye of a salmon hidden in the bottom.
Keep your eyes peeled.
I hope we find the Quagmires soon and that these ropes are sturdy.
The next course is salmon sabayon, which I'll pour very slowly from this little pitcher that looks like a salmon throwing up.
We're just gonna sorta dance this around a little bit.
[LARRY.]
Salmon bread served with salmon butter distilled from the head of a freshly caught salmon.
What am I tasting here? Rutabaga.
The life cycle of the salmon is not unlike the life cycle of human beings, in that it begins in cozy circumstances, gets progressively colder, and often ends in suffering and tragedy.
Now this salmon here was burned alive.
One of the most difficult aspects of a salmon's life cycle is when they swim upstream to spawn, a word which here means "spend quality time with the salmon they love most.
" Swimming upstream is a difficult thing to do, because you are swimming against the current.
The Baudelaires felt as if they were swimming upstream at Café Salmonella, and not just because they were surrounded by so much salmon.
- Gravlax! - Gravlax? - Salmon.
- Ah.
They were swimming against the current of everyone believing Olaf was a foreign man named Gunther.
Gunther, your culture is so interesting.
Not like other countries that make me feel guilty and uncomfortable.
Jerome, have you noticed anything about Gunther? He has a bit of an accent.
[CHUCKLES.]
Something more suspicious than an accent.
Baudelaires, I'm surprised at you.
Do you know what "xenophobia" means? Phobia means "the fear of," like podophobia means "the fear of feet.
" Yes, but xenophobia is the fear of strangers because they come from different places or happen to eat different foods Salmon tail salad - with some salmon skin croutons.
- Lovely.
- Ooh! - Ooh.
I never expected you children to be xenophobic.
Your parents weren't afraid of anything.
You should've seen your mother when she fought that eagle.
She was a remarkable woman.
I just wish that I'd listened to her more.
Why did you lose touch? - There's many factors - Make way for an important reporter.
I just phoned in a hot scoop that will really elevate our readership.
Elevate our Elevate our Elevator Elevator Elevate our readership.
What did you say? I said, "Important reporter coming through.
" You're thinking.
It could be nothing, but it could be everything.
Can we get back to 667 Dark Avenue? Not until you get through the entire life cycle of the salmon.
This is, how do I say, the end, il finito, el end de lunch de salmono, please.
Please! Please, sir.
There are more floors, I mean courses, to go.
We can't leave now.
Eating too much food for too much money is the essence of civilization.
Nothing would make me leave this place! [SCREAMS.]
Café Salmonella is out! Herring Houdini is in! [PATRONS GASPING, MUTTERING.]
Finally! I'm putting the orphans in doggy bag to take home.
What are you talking about? It's time to eat! - After a meal like that - Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Before anyone else sees us eating in this hole-in-the-wall! This place is so out! This is our chance.
Jerome, that place is fishy.
Don't eat or drink anything they give you.
I never want to eat or drink anything fishy again.
[CROWD CLAMORING.]
- It's no use! - We're swimming upstream! Where [SIGHS DEEPLY.]
[SUNNY BABBLING.]
Donner, party of five? Donner? You did it again, Eleanora.
Look at this crowd.
Every journalist knows when a foreign man gives you a tip, you should believe him without question.
- Right this way, rich people! - Oh! [MUTTERS.]
You're certain there's no herring in this? - I promise.
- Oh, thank God.
This isn't working.
You need to shut this place down.
Are you kidding? We're booked through February.
Never mind that! Where are the orphans? Ow! God! We've searched 45 floors.
No sign of the Quagmires.
Let's hope we get lucky in the penthouse.
[KLAUS PANTING.]
What Mrs.
Poe said about elevators got me thinking.
On every other floor there is one elevator, but here there's two.
There has to be an explanation.
[KLAUS.]
Maybe it's where Count Olaf hid the Quagmires.
No platform, no console, no cables or electromagnetic braking system.
- There's no elevator at all.
- The elevator's ersatz.
- It's just a long dark tunnel.
- A shaft.
[BABBLES.]
The Quagmires got kidnapped while trying to help us.
- It's our fault they're gone.
- It's not.
- It is if we don't rescue them.
- We will.
[ESMÃ.]
Mmm! Mmm-mmm-mmm.
[FLY BUZZING.]
This food is so much better than all that other delicious food at that other place.
Excuse me.
They disappeared.
We've managed to lure everyone else except for the orphans.
We'll skip dessert, please.
Yes.
Yes, this food is so in, it's actually hard to be in my mouth.
What do you think, Jerome? I'm sorry.
I'm feeling so sleepy.
It must be something I drank.
You can sleep it off on way home.
Hurry to penthouse to make sure nothing has been stolen during the afternoon.
You're not going anywhere until you entertain us with a song.
What? Didn't that man work at the other place? My sources have learned you're quite the chanteuse.
No, that's the lighting.
My skin is regular foreign color.
He's being modest.
Gunther's songbird skills have earned him more or less favorable reviews in one small magazine.
No, no.
You must be thinking of other foreign man.
Why, you'd have to launch a citywide manhunt to catch a singer this good.
Won't you please grace the crowd at this in restaurant with a little song? I know the readers of the Daily Punctilio would love to hear about a man from a foreign country singing in a restaurant.
Mmm, mmm, mmm! Publicity.
Some music will help me digest my fish heads.
No! No! No! Absolutely What's the word? Never as long as I live.
Pretty please? For Secretary's Day? [GASPS.]
For Secretary's Day! [BOTH CHANTING.]
For Secretary's Day! For Secretary's Day! [ALL.]
For Secretary's Day! For Secretary's Day! For Secretary's Day! For Secretary's Day! For Secretary's Day! For Secretary's Day! [SOFTLY.]
For Secretary's Day! If you insist.
[ALL CHEERING.]
Mind the tempo on the bridge and watch me for the key changes.
People always ask me, "Gunther Why are you such a big Handsome success? What's the secret of your looks And brains and accent, please?" I just wink and tell them "Can't you guess?" You've Got To Keep chasing your schemes Keep chasing your schemes Your future's, what's the word for So very far away Getting closer month by week I mean, day You'll be in charge of all the new regimes If you keep chasing your schemes The world is hunting you down Like a criminal But now your chances of failure Are minimal [DISHES CLATTERING.]
No one's going to hand you A fortune on a plate You've got to open wide Put your mouth around the bait You gotta keep chasing your schemes Keep chasing your schemes A journey begins with one single step To get to the end You gotta schlep, schlep, schlep Your goals are like a sapphire Watch it as it gleams You gotta keep chasing your schemes Let's hear it for the band! Yes, keep chasing your schemes I don't mean maybe Keep chasing your schemes You ugly baby Ratchet down the hack of life To very dark extremes You gotta Ow.
Keep chasing your schemes You nervous? I'm anxious.
I'm not sure if I'm ready to do this.
Me neither.
If we wait until we're ready, we'll wait the rest of our lives.
- Duncan! - Isadora! You gotta just keep Chasing your schemes [SINGING HIGH-PITCHED NOTE.]