ALF s02e08 Episode Script

Something's Wrong with Me

Here we go.
We're short one cupcake.
That's the chance you take dropping in unannounced.
Hey ! Alf, you had yours already.
And -- I dropped in unannounced Because i have exciting news I want to share with those i love most, And those i can barely tolerate.
Willie, i think she means us.
Wizzer has asked me to marry him.
We're gonna have a "grandpa wizzer.
" [ Willie ] congratulations, dorothy.
I'm so excited for you ! You're excited ? I am really excited.
You're probably too excited to eat.
You have to have the wedding here.
I was hoping you'd say that.
Here ? In my house ? Yes, here in our house.
We were married in her house, And she will be married here -- It's a tradition.
Traditions are like plates -- They're made to be broken.
We are having the wedding here.
When ? Sometime next month.
What day ? I might not be available.
You won't.
You'll be in the garage.
I think you know why.
I know, i know -- Tradition.
** I'd like the number for "sir tux" formal wear.
It's nice grandma's getting married here, Instead of some big old hall.
Maybe you'd like to have your wedding here.
Don't even joke about something like that.
This is willie tanner.
I'd like to reserve a tux for saturday.
I think you have my measurements on file.
I was in there in 1967.
Oh, right.
Well, add 2" to the waist, and lose the bell-Bottoms.
Hey, good water, kate.
Pick up some more of these tomorrow.
That water was for the wedding guests.
I only drank I was trying to get rid of my hiccups.
What hiccups ? Hic ! Those hiccups.
That is the strangest hiccup i've ever heard.
Well, here's another one.
Hic ! Oh, no ! Oh, hic, yes.
You're the first humans who've ever heard The dreaded "melmacian" hiccups.
What is it that makes them so dreaded, Besides that irritating metallic echo ? That irritating metallic echo Gets louder and louder, Day by day, Week by week, Year by, hic, year.
How many years are we talking about ? I'm not sure.
Hic ! My uncle tinkle had them for 50 years.
Tinkle ? Good idea.
What's he doing ? Sitting in the closet, breathing into a bag.
It must be working.
He hasn't hiccuped in Hic ! Hic ! In 52 seconds.
Okay, we've tried sugar, honey, lemon juice -- We've tried half a turkey.
You gave him our turkey ? He said it was a bold experiment.
I hardly got any sleep last night.
I slept like a baby -- A baby trapped inside a percolator.
I guess you don't want any coffee.
I'll take mine black.
You're too young.
I feel old.
Hic ! Well, that cure didn't work.
I'm sorry you're going through this, But i hope your hiccups will be gone Before the wedding, tomorrow.
Hic ! Alf, why don't you try holding your breath again ? Okay.
[ Deep breath ] [ Gasp ] Hic ! [ Knocking ] Hey, tanners, you there ? It's trevor.
Take your hiccups, and get out of here.
Fine, if he complains about the turkey bones in his yard, Play dumb.
Hi, alf, how's it going ? Hic ! About the same, huh ? What are you looking for ? My melmacian medical encyclopedia.
I might have a cure for the hiccups.
Hold this.
What is it ? It's just nuclear waste from my spaceship.
Don't worry.
Life here will exist As long as the lid doesn't pop off.
Oh, wait.
These are my crayons.
What does this encyclopedia look like ? I don't remember.
I only used it once.
Could this be it ? Yeah, "the furry home companion.
" Isn't it thin for an encyclopedia ? Our bodies aren't that complicated.
Hic ! We have 10 major organs -- I would have guessed all 10.
Let's see -- "Stomach aches, Stomach flu, stomach transplants," Here we are -- "Hiccups.
" [ Mumbling ] All i have to do, Is drink a glass of cat juice.
No problem.
Cat juice ? What is cat juice ? It's just like orange juice, But instead, you squeeze the juice out of a -- I don't want to hear it.
Cover your ears.
Cat ! I heard it.
You were warned.
Hic ! There's got to be another cure.
There is, but you don't want to hear it.
It's disgusting.
Hi, kate.
Hi, juicy.
Anything you do to this cat, i will do to you.
Oh, lucky.
Kate ? Later.
Hic ! Hi, alf.
Hi, hon.
Hi, sweetheart.
Sure, you'll kiss him, but not me.
What ? Don't ask.
Did you find a place for the wedding ? No, all the churches are booked.
All, except the malibu nudist chapel.
My mother is not getting married in a nudist colony.
If she does, i'm not going.
I have this tattoo, I'd rather not explain.
Alf, wherever they get married, You're not going.
But who's gonna sing "sunrise, sunset" ? Wizzer.
What kind of name is that ? What about "uncle tinkle" ? You win.
Hic ! If those hiccups get any louder, There may not be a wedding.
Hic ! Or a house.
Hic ! Wow, you can even hear him in the basement.
Hic ! With the door closed.
Hic ! And the mattress over his head.
And cotton in our ears.
[ Doorbell ] Oh, my gosh.
It's my mother and wizzer.
He'll hear the hiccups, and find out about alf.
He'll call the marriage off.
Mother will be mad at me for the rest of my life.
Or maybe they won't care.
Oh, hi.
Hi, come on in.
Don't mind if we do.
That is, if you don't mind if we do.
Hey, wizzer, nervous about tomorrow ? No, i'm too excited about my bachelor party.
Angel, i've got to run.
If you're late for a stag film, You can't follow the plot.
After the movie, will you have A girl jump out of a cake ? We're not wasting money on a cake.
We're just getting a stripper.
Very frugal.
No, her name's trixie.
You coming, willie ? Not without cake.
Smart move.
Just show up tomorrow.
You, too.
Hic ! What is that ? Alf has the hiccups.
Oh, that's too bad.
We have tried every hiccup cure known to man, And half a turkey.
Nothing has worked.
Hic ! Poor little guy.
He may do that at the ceremony.
Shoot him.
Mom ! If he pulls that during "sunrise sunset" -- Just take it easy, We're looking for a cure.
Other than cat juice.
Cat juice ? The cure for hiccups on melmac.
We're not mashing a cat to cure alf's hiccups.
How about just for a cheap thrill.
Hic ! Thanks a lot, You hiccuping hairball from hell.
Oh, yeah ? Well, you're a wiener.
Hic ! Alf, would you excuse us, please ? We want to talk about you.
I'm flattered, but don't let the wiener badmouth me.
Wiener ! Well, desperate times Call for desperate measures.
We make some cat juice.
We're not juicing a cat.
Not in my blender, anyway.
What about the blender your sister sent us ? Willie ! I'm sorry ! I was trying to help.
I don't mean a real cat.
We just mix up a batch of goop, And tell alf it's cat juice.
That's a great idea ! Kate, what do you say ? All right.
We are using the blender my sister sent us ! Hic ! Wow, listen to that reverb.
Alf, We have a surprise for you.
Dorothy exploded ? No.
Alf, we decided Your health is more important than a cat.
So this is, uh Freshly-Squeezed Cat juice.
Really ? Enjoy.
Where's the little umbrella ? Just drink it.
Alas, poor lucky -- I liked him as a cat; I love him as a cocktail.
Hic ! It's not lucky.
It's a stray.
It's not a road-Kill, is it ? No ! Good.
I have my standards.
Is it kosher ? Just drink it.
All right.
[ Burp ] At least it wasn't a hiccup.
Are you cured ? I don't know, but i'll tell you one thing, I've got to get to the bathroom.
As they say -- "You don't buy cat juice.
You rent it.
" I forgot to ask, how was your bachelor party ? The usual.
Could you do me a favor and be my best man ? What happened to garland ? He's gone to a better place.
What ? He went home with the stripper.
** [ "wedding march" ] ** Hi, gorgeous.
Dearly beloved, We are gathered here, today, in the presence of god, To unite these two in holy matrimony.
[ Sobbing ] [ Clears throat ] Who gives this woman to this man ? I do.
Dorothy halligan [ Sob ] Do you take this man, Wizzer deaver, To be your -- [ Blowing nose ] Your 1st husband did pass away, right ? I'll just see what that is, And eliminate it.
I'll be right back.
Hi, willie, ?Qu?Pasa ? What are you doing ? Speaking spanish.
You know what i mean.
What were you doing in there ? I'm sorry.
I really wanted to go to the wedding.
The minister will wait until we get back.
Then, let's go.
We've told you 100's of times, If somebody sees you, they could turn you in.
Is that what you want ? No, i want cake.
And i want to be a part of the family.
You are a part of the family.
The only reason mom & dad put you in the garage Is because they don't want anyone to find out about you.
They care about you.
Why else did they make that fake cat juice ? Fake cat juice ? I'm sorry.
Fake cat juice ? Thought you could fool me, huh ? We did fool you.
Hic ! Hic ! What was that ? That's your cue, wizzer.
Start singing.
We'll be right back.
Where is he ? Hic ! Right here at the epicenter.
A white dress ? Who are you kidding ? Willie, we've got to do something.
They can hear alf in the house, And they don't like it.
Hic ! Yesterday, you said there was A second cure for melmacian hiccups.
What is it ? It's really disgusting.
Tell us what it is ! Fine.
The other cure is Eating raw spinach.
[ Kate ] raw spinach ? Don't even say it.
I'm going to -- Quick ! Get some spinach, make sure it's raw.
But spinach is so gross ! Hic ! On melmac, popeye is considered a geek.
Okay, forget the spinach.
We'll go to plan "b.
" What's plan "b" ? It involves gunfire.
Yeah Uh All right ! I'll eat the darn spinach.
Hic ! It's good for you, right ? It's got iron, And calcium, And grains of sand.
Why are you inching towards the door ? I'm not inching towards the door.
[ Willie ] i beg to differ.
You are inching towards the door.
Nay, sir, you are in error.
Hic ! Here's the spinach.
Eech ! See, now i'm inching away from the door.
I'm sort of shuffling; just gliding.
What's going on in there ? Chaos.
The best man just showed up With a woman wearing leopard pants.
Eat your spinach ! [ Gulp ] Well, at least there's a bug on it.
Good night, trixie.
Garland, have a nice time in tijuana.
Have a good time on your honeymoon.
I always do.
Isn't he terrible ? If you ever find the wedding cake, Save us a piece.
Wasn't that the strangest thing -- The whole cake disappearing like that ? [ Burp ] pardon me.
Mom, if you have any honeymoon questions, You be sure to call me, okay ? So long, dottie-Kins.
Take the rice out of the box Before you throw it.
Next you'll tell me i shouldn't Tie a cat to the back of the car.
Lynn, go cut lucky loose.
Closed-Captioned by by alien productions.
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