All In The Family s04e06 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The hit parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days ANNOUNCER [ON RADIO.]
: The meeting was held in President Nixon's office in the executive office building adjacent to the White House [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
ARCHIE: Edith! EDITH: Oh, good morning, Archie.
Listen, never mind the good morning.
Just do me a favor, huh? Next time you get up at the crack of dawn, don't wake me up to tell me it ain't time to get up.
And you, Meathead, turn off the garbage on that radio.
Okay.
I thought you'd be interested in hearing what King Richard was up to today.
And shut that hole in the middle of your face too, huh? Wise guy.
Trying to insult the president by calling him a king.
Why not? Nixon acts like one.
I've got news for you, little girl.
Being a president is much better than being a king.
You can probably make more money that way.
Get out of here, huh? Richard E.
Nixon ain't interested in getting rich.
He's not interested in getting rich? Why not? Because he's got plenty of money.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter into heaven.
And it is easier for you to pass me the coffee than for me to go over there.
Ma, just because it's in the Bible, do you really believe that a rich man can't get into heaven? Certainly, she does and I do too.
If it's in the Bible, then a rich man can't get into heaven.
Not that I really care, Arch, but why not? Because, stupid, as it also says in the Bible, quote, "You can't take it with you.
" Then you're saying that the only rich man up there is God? No, no.
God ain't got no dough.
You mean he owns all this and he's broke? I didn't say he was broke neither.
He can get all the money he wants whenever he wants it.
He just likes going around with poor people.
ARCHIE: He likes poor people.
Well, if he likes them so much, why doesn't he make them all rich? Being rich don't do you no good after you're dead.
It gives you a nicer funeral, though.
Ma, it's been about 15 minutes.
Your cookies might be ready.
Thank you.
Cookies? Oh! That's what had her up in the middle of the night? The cookies are for Henry Jefferson's farewell party.
Oh, I know all about it.
Jeez, the whole street is going crazy just because one colored guy wants to leave home.
I thought you'd be leading the cheers.
I ain't going nowheres near that party.
That's because you're a racist, Daddy.
That ain't so! I would say goodbye to Lionel's uncle Henry.
I ain't gonna have nothing to do with Lionel's old man because he's an oddball.
What do you mean he's an oddball? Well, look at the guy.
You never see him.
He's hiding out in his house all the time like some phantom of the opera.
Oh, Archie, Henry Jefferson is gonna be so disappointed if you don't go to his party.
Just yesterday he told me if there was one person he'd be happy to say goodbye to, it was you.
Don't try to butter me up, huh, Edith? Come on, Daddy, we're practically their closest friends.
Closest friends? What are you talking about, huh? Their closest friends are still shrinking heads in Africa.
Are they the ones who shrunk yours? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
I ain't arguing with you.
Don't start with me.
I'll get it.
Daddy, you're grouchy this morning.
And you too, little girl.
Well, you are.
Listen, let me tell you something.
Hi, Lionel.
You can take the coloreds out of the jungle, but you can't take the jungle out of the-- Oh, hi, Lionel.
Hi, Mr.
Bunker.
Sorry to interrupt your lecture on anthropology.
Mom just asked me to stop over and borrow some big dishes.
Oh, yeah, sure.
I'll get them.
I'll give her the good ones.
Hey, Lionel, I'll bet your Uncle Henry's pretty excited, huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.
He's really looking forward to it.
Oh, well, you must be looking forward, at long last, to getting your own bedroom, huh, Lionel? I always had my own room, Mr.
Bunker.
Well, where's Henry been sleeping? Up in the attic? No, he's got his own room too.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Henry's got his bedroom, you've got a bedroom your mother and father's got a bedroom You've only got two bedrooms.
No, we've got three bedrooms.
You telling me your house is bigger than mine? Sure.
You didn't know that, Mr.
Bunker? I've got a room, he got a room All God's children got room [SINGING INDISTINCTLY.]
[INAUDIBLE.]
Hmm Would you cut it out, Lionel? Jeez.
I ask you a simple question, you give me the Mills Brothers.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll get that.
Here we are.
Why can't youse people do nothing unless youse are singing? Mr.
Lorenzo! [SINGING FANFARE.]
Archie, ain't that wonderful? What's wonderful? It's just a cake.
Oh, no, it's not just a cake, Archibald.
Don't call me that, huh? This is a sublime creation.
Lighter than the lightest feather.
A Franco Lorenzo masterpiece.
You made it yourself! With these very hands.
A seven-layer cake with my own secret surprise.
Nine layers.
Oh! If that cake is for the Jeffersons, why are you bringing it over here? Oh, the cake is a surprise, Archie.
I'm gonna take it over there later.
Thanks, Mr.
Lorenzo.
That was real nice of you.
Oh, non fa niente, Lionel.
I'm only sorry that I won't be there to see the ecstasy on your face when you bite into it.
Oh, why? Can't you make the party? No, I'm afraid not, Lionel.
Irene and I have to rush down to Miami.
Our oldest boy, Tony, broke his leg at a football game.
Oh, that's too bad.
I didn't know your son played football.
He don't.
He was just running to get a good seat.
Did I have him fooled? Ha, ha, ha! Don't poke me, huh? No.
Don't worry.
Tony's fine.
I was just kidding.
Oh, that's good.
But we have to get away for the weekend.
A sales convention I promised to attend.
Sorry, Lionel.
No, it's okay.
Which reminds me.
Did you hear about the salesman who was crossing the field and got chased by a bull? No.
What happened? It was the first time a bull ever threw the salesman.
Ain't that awful? Ha, ha, ha, ha! Stop poking me, huh? That joke is exactly So, everybody, all together.
Happy birthday to it Happy birthday to it Happy birthday, old joke Happy birthday to It Oh! Oh, my! Ain't he clever? Lionel, here are the plates your mother asked for.
And wait a minute.
You might as well take the first batch of cookies.
Hey, Lionel, where's your Uncle Henry moving to? Oh, he's opening a cleaning store up in Dutchess County.
What? Dutchess County? They ain't gonna let your uncle in there, Lionel.
Dutchess County don't even let the Heebs in.
Well, when we get there, we gonna let a whole bunch of them in.
Here are the cookies.
Oh, thanks, Mrs.
Bunker.
See you later.
And besides, Lionel, where would your uncle get the cash to go into business for himself? Oh, that's easy.
He's been saving his welfare checks.
What, Lionel? Are you telling me he's been doing that while he's working at the same time? Sure.
Don't you read the papers? That's how we all get rich.
That kid, he's never gonna be serious as long as that he lives.
But I wonder, Edith, where would his Uncle Henry get enough cash to go into business? Maybe God doesn't like him, so he made him rich.
Who asked you? If you went to the party, you could ask him.
Oh, no.
I ain't setting foot in no house where the head of that house don't wanna set foot in this house.
Oh, come on, Daddy.
Now's the perfect opportunity for you and Lionel's father to get together.
What's so perfect about getting together with a guy that treats me as if I was the one who was the colored guy? Edith, look at this toast.
It's stone cold.
Oh, I'm sorry, Archie.
It was warm when I made it.
That would have been a good time to serve it to me, then, huh, Edith? No.
You weren't awake then.
I'm awake now.
Yeah, I know.
Get hot toast! Yeah.
Right away, Archie.
Daddy, do you have to treat Ma like she was a slave? I treat her like a housewife.
Case closed.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
Oh, hello, Louise.
Come in.
Is there something wrong with the cookies? No, Edith.
The cookies are just fine.
It's George that's giving me the problem.
What do you mean? Well, I thought I could get away with it just this once.
But he says no integrated parties in his house.
Oh.
Oh, I wish there was some other place we could have the party.
Oh, yeah.
Like over here.
Oh, Edith! You're a doll! I'll bring the stuff over right away.
Oh! Louise! Oh, no! Louise? ARCHIE: I want hot toast! Yeah, coming, Archie.
Coming right away.
I'm sorry, Archie, but Louise was telling me that her husband won't allow the party over at their house.
Oh, well, that figures.
Trust that guy to put the kibosh on a party after promising to have one over there.
You wouldn't catch me doing that in a million years.
Oh, Archie! I'm so glad to hear you say that, because I told Louise she could have the party over here.
You told--? Stop eating there.
Stop eating there! You told her that? Well, get on the blower there and untell her.
Whoa, whoa! Here we go again.
You know you're the last holdout? Archie, don't you see? The crisis is over.
What crisis? Black people have arrived.
They're here.
I ain't letting them in.
Daddy, not here.
Here! Congratulations, Meathead.
You finally drove her nuts.
When are you gonna wake up to facts, Archie? Black people are coming on economically, politically and socially.
The tide has turned.
That's what I mean when I say that the crisis is over.
Will you turn that record over? And will you do what I tell ya? Call them and tell them they can't have the party here.
Don't do it.
Get on that phone.
Archie-- Get on the phone.
Don't do it, Ma.
On the phone.
On the phone.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
On the phone.
Ma, you got rights in this house too.
We all got a say in what goes on.
Yeah.
I ain't denying that.
You ain't? No, Edith.
You got a say.
The little girl's got a say.
All God's children Got a say The colored guy here has got a say.
And I got a say.
But what I say goes.
Oh, no! Oh! Well, all-- Okay.
All right.
Fine, Daddy.
Then you'll have to be the one that turns them away.
Your mother invited them.
Oh, yes! Archie, you're the one that doesn't want them here.
Tell them they can't come.
Edith-- He's right, Archie.
Well, I ain't gonna turn them away.
Oh, good! I'm gonna get the hell outta here! Oh, see him running.
Look at him running.
Have your dumb party, but have it without me.
I ain't gonna be here.
You know why? Because you're chicken.
Get outta here.
You're scared of meeting George Jefferson.
Get away.
Look at him running away.
Chicken.
Chicken.
[IMITATING CHICKEN.]
Ah! Put a lid on it.
Put a lid on it.
Oh, thanks, Archie.
Here's the pie, Edith.
And I'll bring the rest over later, if I don't get too mad at George and throw it at him.
What's the matter now? Well, he said, "You can give the party at the Bunkers'," but he ain't gonna be at it.
Oh! George ain't coming to the party, huh? Oh, gee.
Ain't that too bad? [CHUCKLES.]
Give him a message for me, will you, Louise? Yes, Archie.
Just tell him he's a: [IMITATES CHICKEN.]
[CLUCKS.]
Uh, Meathead? Get outta the chair.
So, Jefferson, you're going into business for yourself, huh? Yeah, Bunker, there comes a time when a man's gotta get out on his own, know what I mean? Yeah, well, I used to think about that from time to time but I didn't wanna let the other guys on the job down, you know? Oh, you've really got a big heart, Archie.
Yeah, well, they all depend on me down there, you know, and, uh, one of them's a colored guy too.
What do you mean "One of them's a colored guy too"? Don't tell me all of these years you've been passing? You know what I mean.
I mean he's a colored guy like other colored guys.
And all of them look alike to you.
Not this guy.
He's 6'7".
Hey, Ma, maybe we should put the food out now.
Don't you think it's too early? Not for me, Ma.
I'm ready right now.
Let me help you, Edith.
And this colored guy I'm telling you about, would you believe it, he makes as much money as me? Then he must be twice as smart as you.
How do you get to that? Well, that's the way it works out any time you got a black and a white guy doing the same job.
No, it don't work out that way.
Yes, it does work out that way.
Any time you got a black guy and a white guy going up for the same job like, uh, running for mayor, if the black guy wants to get elected, he knows he's gotta be twice as smart as the white guy.
Oh, I don't think so at all.
If you're talking about that election out there in California, no one's gonna tell me that that guy Bradley is twice as smart as the other guy Yorky.
I gotta admit, this one time, you're right.
You're damn right, I'm right.
Bradley is 10 times as smart as "Yorky.
" We'll be eating in a couple of minutes.
That's just stupid there, Jefferson.
Besides, uh, getting elected, there's more to that than just being smart.
There is, huh? Then how come we don't have a black president? I mean, some of our black people are just as dumb as Nixon.
You ain't got a black president, Jefferson, because God ain't ready for that yet.
Wait a second.
What?! That's right.
God's gotta try it out first by making a black pope, which he ain't done yet.
Oh, well, maybe that's because God ain't Catholic.
We know that, Lionel.
Can't you men change the subject? Yeah, Gloria's right.
This is no time to be-- I'm talking, Michael.
Oh, boy.
Is that all you can talk about, whether a black man or a white man should be president? Well, what do you wanna talk about, little girl? How about a woman president? Oh, holy cow.
A woman president? Mr.
Jefferson, this may come as a big surprise to you, but women are much more oppressed than blacks.
I don't see no ghetto for women.
What do you call a kitchen? I call it a prison.
Stay out of this, Louise.
You're talking foolish.
Do you know what Shirley Chisholm said? Shirley Chisholm said that she ran into more discrimination because she was a woman than because she was black.
That's why she didn't get elected.
Right.
Because she was talking foolish.
Mr.
Jefferson, she wasn't talking foolish.
The business world has been doing the same thing to us now that they've been doing to you.
They're hiring token women.
Well, by the same token, hire one for me.
Not funny, Michael.
I'll see you later.
Mr.
Jefferson, you've come a long way, baby.
But from now on, it's we women who have to overcome, right? You know what I think? What, Ma? I think we ought to eat.
That's right.
And this is what I like to see.
The women serving it up and the men eating it up.
Ha, ha, ha! And look who's first on the line here.
Oh, oh.
Come on, Mr.
Liberal, huh? How about a little equal rights with the serving spoon here, huh? Look at him heaping his plate.
What, have you got friends on the porch? I still think George will come.
After all, he's your own brother.
Uh, I don't think he's gonna come, Edith.
He just ain't got none of that, what do you call, family unconscious, you know? Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What do you mean by that, Bunker? I didn't mean nothing wrong.
I just meant what your own Black Panther leader, what do you call, Elder Cleavage, said.
I mean, he was the guy that said that your black families, like, they all shot to hell because you're all on the streets when you're That's what he said.
How are you gonna raise a family on the streets with no beds or toilets? Why are you looking at me that way? Did I say something wrong? Bunker, you know more about black people than anybody I ever met.
Are you sure that somewhere inside you don't have one teensy, weensy drop of black blood? Come on.
I ain't got none of that.
No.
Then how come you got kinky eyebrows? I ain't got kinky eyebrows.
I got my Uncle Roy's eyebrows.
And I ain't got colored blood, Lionel.
Yes, you have, Archie.
What? It's red.
Go on over there and mingle, will ya? The whole point I'm trying to make is that, uh, you take these things like, what do you call, loyal and love.
Well, your colored families, they don't feel them things like your colorless families.
HENRY: Listen.
I got something to say.
Now, gather round, everybody.
I'm gonna make a toast to Archie.
EDITH: Oh! ARCHIE: Yeah.
GLORIA: A toast for my daddy.
It's been a great experience living on this street and watching this wonderful family of Edith, Gloria and Mike.
I wanna thank you, Bunker, for letting me know and letting me see that some white folks are better than other white folks.
Well, I wish the whole world could learn that.
Archie, why don't you toast Henry now? Oh, all right, I will.
GEORGE: Oh, no, you don't.
Ain't nobody making no toast to my brother but me.
Who the hell is that? That's Pop.
Oh! Let me get that.
Get away from that door, Meathead.
Get over there.
Archie, let him in.
Edith, Edith.
Back.
Back.
I'll handle this.
Hey, Jefferson, are you asking to come into my house? No, Bunker.
I wouldn't come in there, not even if you got down on your hands and knees and sang "Mammy.
" Hey, Jefferson, I don't blame your kid brother for leaving home.
If I was your brother, I'd leave home too.
If you was my brother, I'd cut my throat.
If I was your brother, I'd give you the knife.
Oh, come on in, Pop.
GEORGE: Save your breath, Lionel.
I wouldn't come in there if he was the last white man on earth.
Aha! Watch this.
Watch this.
Ha-ha! You're in.
No, I ain't.
I'm out.
If you're on my stoop, that's the same as being in my house.
Stoops don't count.
Stoops always count.
Stoops never count.
Don't turn your back on me.
Oh, there you are.
That's in.
Now you're in.
You're in for sure.
So, finally, the great Jefferson, who always reclined to cross my threshold is into the house, all duded up with a flower in his lapel there.
Or is that one of them things that squirt in your eye? No, it's real.
I wear a fresh one every day.
Ah! You don't blow money on a fresh flower every day.
No! I steal one every day from a blind flower girl.
He's joking.
George, they don't know you here.
He's joking.
Louise.
I'll tell them when I'm joking.
I was joking.
Bunker, I'm just gonna say what I have to say to my brother and get out.
I'll gladly hold the door for you.
Henry, when I was a kid, I was always asking Mom for a brother.
You know how poor we was.
So all we could afford was you.
Oh, George! He's kidding.
He's kidding.
Louise.
Never interrupt a man when he's toasting.
Henry, all kidding aside, the trouble with being a brother is that sometimes you can't always say the things that you really feel.
You know, like how good it is to have somebody around to rap to or somebody to kind of pick you up, you know, when you're so low that you have to reach up to touch bottom.
Well, you know I'm not much of a talker.
But there's one thing that needs to be said.
I love you, brother.
Oh, man, you're always doing that.
Stealing everything that's mine.
Say what? I was gonna toast those very words to you myself.
Ah! Black families don't feel love, huh, Arch? Why is it you can always remember everything except how to work? Wasn't that a nice toast? Yeah, it was all right.
You better believe it was all right.
I thought it was a nice toast.
I'm just sorry it had to take place in a honky house.
See you later.
We're going to the movies.
All right.
Hey, Arch.
What do you think? Nice, huh? The sort of way George Jefferson was wearing one, I thought I'd wear one myself.
Oh, well, if that ain't a dumb Polack move.
On a used war surplus fatigue jacket, he pins a carnation.
That's how much you know.
See, that's not a carnation.
That's a water lily.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.