All In The Family s07e22 Episode Script
Fire
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days [SNORING.]
[SNORING.]
[SNORING.]
Archie.
Archie.
Archie, wake up! Archie! Oh, would you leave me alone? I was right in the middle of a beautiful dream.
I was singin' with Tommy Dorsey's band.
Let me get back.
No, wake up! Don't hit me! Wake up! All right, all right! I-I smell something.
Is it me? Oh no.
Well, then don't bother me! I-I smell-- I smell somethin' awful.
It's only New York, Edith.
No, it's comi'' from the hall.
[GASPS.]
[COUGHS.]
[COUGHING.]
Archie! Archie, wake up! There's a fire in the bathroom! - Quick, get up, Archie! - [ARCHIE GRUMBLES.]
Come on, quick! Oh, Arch, now, get up! Get up, Archie! Get up! - There's a fire in the bathroom! - [ARCHIE GRUMBLES.]
- It's full of smoke! - Yeah, yeah, yeah Come on, Archie, please! - Get up! Come on! - [ARCHIE GRUMBLING.]
- Get up, Archie! - No, don't pull me.
Don't pull me.
- Fire.
- [ARCHIE MUMBLES.]
No! Oh, Archie! Come here! - Come here! - [ARCHIE MUMBLING.]
No, no, don't go to sleep, dammit! - Edith, don't hit me no more.
- Quick, Archie! - ARCHIE: Come on - There's a fire! There's no fire in the bathroom, Edith! Holy cow! What a fire! Oh! Oh, Teresa! [KNOCKING.]
Wake up! Fire! Fire! Fire! We've got a fire.
Yell for water.
Water! Water! [BANGING.]
- TERESA: Is everybody okay? - What the hell's going on, anyway, Edith? - There's a fire in the bathroom! - [YELLING IN SPANISH.]
- It's full of smoke.
No, don't go in.
- [ALL YELLING.]
Shut up, shut up, shut up! Stifle, you.
Stifle-ito, you.
Oh, I know just what we gotta do, Edith.
Yeah, we'll call the fire department! - I was gonna say that.
- Hurry! Quick! [ALL YELLING.]
Go on, do it! Get on the phone.
Call the fire department, will you? EDITH: Fire, fire - What are you jumping around about? - Oh, I'm so nervous.
I'm so nervous! Well, you just better hold it, because the bathroom ain't in service, and it's all your fault.
It's my fault? Yes, yes, you blew out the electricity.
What was ya doing, frica-stewin' a chicken on a hot plate? No! I fixed the fuse that you blew before dinner.
You must've did something else there.
Hurry up, Edith.
Hurry up there, will ya? - [STAMMERING.]
- Don't wave your finger up in the air.
Stick it in the holes here.
- Dial 1-1-9.
- No! 9-1-1! That's what I said! Forget it.
Go on upstairs and get dressed, will ya? When the men come here, I want them gazin' at the fire in the can, not the fire in your Spanish eyes.
[CLAPS.]
Oh, my guitar! - Your what? - My guitar! Oh, guitar.
If it wasn't for you wakin' up, we'd all be playing harps around here.
EDITH: Operator! Operator! This is Edith Bunker! We're on fire! Better get your coat on.
Here, give me your We ain't on fire.
It's our house that's on fire.
Put it in the other hand, will ya, Edith? Well, not the whole house.
Just one room.
EDITH: The bathroom! Yeah, yeah.
It's easy to find! You just go down Northern Boulevard East, and then you-- you turn right at the Rexall Drugstore.
All right, don't keep yappin' at them.
You'll make them so nervous they'll jump for the fire poles and miss.
- EDITH: All right.
- Give me the telephone.
I wanna call.
- I'll see ya soon! Yeah, thank you.
- Yeah, come on, hurry up.
- Get off of the phone.
- I guess we'd better get our clothes! Never mind that, Edith.
There ain't no clothes up there that I wanna save.
Oh, what about your Army uniform? I was only a Private.
Let it burn.
Oh, well, I'm gonna get my wedding dress! Wait a minute.
You wanna die? My grandmother's brooch! Y-You wanna die, Edith? And our family picture albums! If you find the album, Edith, throw it at the fire.
Oh! If you really wanna risk your life for something, money, top of the closet on the shelf there-- my secret cigar box I never told you about with $108 in it.
Hello? Uh, h-hello, Meathead.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, I know you was in bed.
Where else? Just put off what you was doing, will ya? Get your pajamas on and get over here.
My house is on fire! [DOORBELL BUZZES.]
Who the hell is that? MAN: It's Barney, Arch! Ol' Barney Hefner, huh? Your dog killed my peonies today, Barney.
What do you want now? Hey, Arch, there's a lot of smoke coming out of your bathroom.
What's going on? The bathroom's on fire.
Oh, gee! Fire, fire! Everybody up! Come on out! Fire! Fire! - We know that, Barney.
- Oh, yeah? And the wind from your lungs will fan the flames all the way up to Long Island City.
Will you help me save some of the furniture, huh? - Sure, sure, Arch.
- All right.
Now, listen, grab that-- Uh, Barney, let's work on the same item, huh? - Get my chair, first of all.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Now, g-go easy.
It's into my "groan" here.
- Yeah, all right.
Take it easy! [YELLING.]
ARCHIE: All right, come on, come on! Wait a minute, Archie.
I'll help you! Here you go.
[GROANS.]
Come on, now! Don't got all day.
- ARCHIE: Just put it down on the lawn - All right, Arch.
- [DOG BARKS.]
- Hey, Barney, your dog's out here on our lawn.
ARCHIE: He's jumping all over my leg.
BARNEY: Well, he's a little excited.
Well, tell him I ain't another mutt, will ya? [DOG BARKING.]
What are you doing now? What is this here? Oh, that's my picture of Wayne Newton.
I ain't talking about that.
I'm talking about this.
Oh, that's my patron saint Teresa de la Rosa.
And you wonder why we had a fire.
Don't you know it's bad luck to keep "icrons" in a Christian home? Well, if she started the fire, I'm sorry.
- [CRYING.]
- "Sorry" don't help the fire, Teresa.
Miss Old Leary's cow was sorry, but Cleveland burned anyway.
Is everybody all right? Oh, Teresa and your mother-in-law are all right.
I'm suffering a little bit from smoke "exhilaration.
" - Where's the fire? - [GLORIA PANTING.]
The fire is up in the can.
Hey, Arch.
Arch, maybe if I get the garden hose, it'll reach up to the second floor.
You know what I think you ought to do? Get the garden hose.
I think it'll reach up to the second floor.
Right.
I'll get your ladder.
Don't do nothin' before you get my ladder.
You can't work without that.
- Go ahead.
- Good thinking.
[CRYING.]
Ma! Oh, Gloria! Ma! - Our home is burning! - [BOTH CRYING.]
- Barney, come on in here, will ya? - Yeah, be right in.
Well, let's move some of this stuff.
- [GRUNTS.]
Jeez, grab that, will ya? - Oh, yeah.
- I'll take this.
- All right.
- [CRYING.]
- Help me save things that are important! [BAWLING.]
Auntie Alda's napkin rings! Oh, yeah! Yeah, that was a weddin' present! [CONTINUES CRYING.]
Oh, Ma! Don't forget my bronze baby booties! Oh, yeah! They're right over here! Ma! Look what you almost forgot! Your trading stamps! Oh, I'm three books away from a dice-and-slicer! Oh, Ma! Look, the camel! - Don't forget the camel! - Oh, my camel! I don't want my camel to burn! Ma, the elephant! Oh, my elephant! I don't want my elephant to burn! Ma, the pink swan! Oh, my pink swan! I don't want my pink swan to burn! Oh, Ma! Don't forget my baby dish with Brownie the Clownie on the bottom! Oh, yeah! [MUTTERS.]
And my Tupperware certificate of merit! I think that's okay if it burns.
Come on, you women! You gotta desert the place and promise-- Where the hell is your mother? She's saving Brownie the Clownie in the kitchen.
Oh, jeez, now I can face the worst knowing that.
Oh, look, I got Brownie the Clownie! - Oh, wait a minute! - Where you goin' now? - Grab the TV trays! - Never mind the TV trays.
Edith, come on! Let's get out of here.
- What are you doin' now? - Oh, my parrot! No, we don't want that parrot, Edith! - And our pictures! - Please.
Oh, come on, come on.
- Pictures, pictures! - Out, out, Edith.
Come on.
Let's go! There's my panther, my beautiful panther! I thought you'd leave a few of these things for the looters! Oh, come on! Hurry or you'll burn! Come on, get out of here! - Barney, come here.
Come here.
- Yeah.
Yeah, Arch.
Listen, in-- in your opinion, Barney, exactly how much time does it take for an upstairs fire to get downstairs? Oh, not long, Arch.
- Then we ain't got much time.
- Right.
- Grab that sofa.
- Okay.
Okay.
Jeez, it's awful heavy here, Barney.
- Watch it, watch it.
- All right.
- [GROANS.]
- Oh, jeez.
Oh, Barney.
[BOTH GROANING.]
Barney.
Oh, wait.
Put it down.
Down, down, Barney.
Oh, my God.
- Barney.
- Yeah? Do you think this'll burn? No, Arch.
It's too heavy.
- ARCHIE: Come on! - EDITH: Archie, don't forget the sofa! - [BOTH GROAN.]
- ARCHIE: Jeez! I don't think it's gonna fit through the door, Arch.
Well, Barney, how did it get in here? It wasn't born here.
Come on, get it out, Barney.
Now, don't go too fast.
Don't push me off the porch.
- I don't wanna go off the porch, Barney.
- [DOG BARKING.]
ARCHIE: I mopped the porch finally! [ARCHIE GROANS.]
Barney, your dog is hoisting his hind leg at me now.
BARNEY: Down! Cut it out, Sam! Save it for the fire! I gotta get the rest of the stuff here.
Okay, what do we got? What do we got? Well, we got the buffet over there.
Telephone stand here.
Dining room table and chairs.
What the hell am I talking about? My television set.
- Grab that right now.
- Wait.
Wait a minute, Arch.
Wait a minute.
It just hit me.
You got fire insurance, ain't ya? Why, certainly.
I pay very heavy semi-annual premiums four times a year.
What are we knocking ourselves out for? If all this furniture gets ruined, you get new furniture for free.
Eeh You mean the insurance Ah! Oh, oh, oh, oh Hey, Barney.
Yeah? - You know what we gotta do? - No.
- All the furniture we carried out of there - Yeah? - We gotta get that back in here! - [SIRENS BLARING OUTSIDE.]
Wait.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute, Arch! - [SIRENS BLARING.]
- You hear that? The firemen are here already.
We ain't got time.
Well, how the hell am I gonna collect on all that junk unless we get it in where the fire is? Yeah, but the fire's still up there! But you think it's coming down here! - Well, look-- - [GLASS SHATTERS.]
And that's what he thinks, too.
Is this Yes, it is! ARCHIE: Hey, hey! Hey, hey! - Is this - Yes, it is! FIREMAN: All right, you guys, come on! Come on, you guys! Get in here! Rosenbloom, what are you doing?! I'm cuttin' my way in.
The door is open! Ohthen this is a shame! Arch, it's all over.
- What is all over? - I put out the fire.
- Oh, gee, why'd you do that? - Well, that's good to hear.
Thank you.
- All right, you guys, wrap it up, come on! - Wait a minute! Hey, listen! Don't you think you ought to leave Rosenbloom here with the ax, 'cause after a fire, there's a lot of smolderin' stuff left that ought to be chopped up! The fire's out.
Do you know how to swim? Yeah.
Then why don't you take a runnin' jump into the middle of Lake Polack? We're in the money, insurance money They'll have a lot of what it takes to get along Boom boom boom boom We're in the money What? What are you doing? Did you ever hear of smoke damage? Did you ever hear of fraud? Did you ever hear of gettin' lucky? Did you ever hear of going to jail? Did you ever hear of shut up? MIKE: You can't do this! Certainly I can do it.
It ain't as though I do it every day, is it, huh? This is a one-shot- in-a-lifetime chance to do something for the house or do it for Edith.
Can't you get behind me for nothing at all?! - Jeez! - Oh.
Look at this joint.
It's a ratty place.
We're gonna help it there.
Look at these curtains over here! Oh, no, no.
Arch, don't do that.
I'm only smokin' 'em up.
They look like they've been through a disaster, anyway.
Look at all the wallpaper here.
Now I'm gonna get Edith new wallpaper.
She's been asking for it for years, that's all.
Arch, the insurance company is not gonna pay for all this! Ah, you don't know nothin' about it.
The fire was up in the bathroom! They're not gonna pay for anything down here! Would you shut up and listen? Insurance companies don't care if you pump up your claim a little bit.
They just turn around, they pump up everybody's premiums.
Oh! Oh! So, because they cheated you, you feel justified in cheating them? Well, that follows, don't it? How do you sleep at night? Well, usually I start on my back, I turn over on my belly a couple of times.
This time next week I'll be doin' it in a new bed.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Ah, come on, will ya? Gee.
So, it's a little bit dishonest.
What the hell, Christmastime I'll give the church an extra buck, heh? Listen, insurance is the big racket! They're the ones that scare people half to death, tellin' 'em about all the tragedies that can happen to their lives, you know.
Hurricanes blow down a house there.
Floods sweepin' all the loved ones upstream to the sea.
Volcanoes eruptin' hot lava all over ya, you know? And you pay all them disaster premiums And then suddenly you do something-- well, like you, for instance-- you, on a Sunday afternoon, could be up in the Museum of Natural History, you know, driftin' around with the rest of the dopes up there.
And one of them big stuffed dinosaurs fall over on ya.
Crush the life out of ya.
And Gloria wouldn't collect nothin'.
'Cause the one insurance you ain't got is "dinosaur insurance.
" So, don't tell me nothin' about insurance! - [DOORBELL BUZZES.]
- I'll get it.
- I'll get that.
I'll get that.
- EDITH: I'll get that! - It's probably the insur-- - [CHATTERING.]
Oh, my! What happened to this room? I'll explain the whole thing later.
- I'll explain when this guy-- - [DOORBELL BUZZES.]
I'll be with you in a minute! But for now, remember this, see.
Be like them three monkeys.
Speak no evil hear no evil, and see no evil.
Keep that straight, huh? Keep that straight.
All right, now [CLEARS THROAT.]
All right.
Ah, hello! Are you Mr.
Bunker? Ah, yeah, I am the misfortunate here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ah! My name is Ligway.
I'm your insurance adjuster.
Oh, well, come right in then, come right in.
Oh, this is my, uh, son-in-law, Mike Stivic here.
- Ah.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah, he's leavin' fast.
- Yeah.
Good-bye.
Ask him if he sells any "dinosaur insurance.
" See you next August, buddy.
Uh, you're lookin' at my wife here.
And how do you do? Yeah, "how do you do" is about all she can say to you here because she, uh, caught a touch of "laryngosis" in the smoke.
Yeah.
Well, can I take your coat? Oh! Well, thank you.
Yeah, well, you can see everything for yourself there, Mr.
Gilway - Ligway.
- Whatever.
Just, uh, look around.
You can see all the smoke damage over there.
Ruined curtains there, ruined wallpaper.
And, oh! Look what the firemen did.
- Archie-- - [MUTTERS.]
Busted through the window, you know.
Yeah.
Oh, I tell ya.
It's a shame.
It really is a pity what a nasty fire can do to a lovely home.
Hey, look, you know, you work hard all your life, see, and you save up your dollars to fill your home with, uh, the most latest antiques.
Along comes a fire like this and-- [SNAPS.]
everything gone.
Well, that's why I'm here right now, Mr.
Bunker, because that is what insurance is all about.
Hey, I always said, "Insurance is the backbone upon which this nation sits down upon.
" Well put.
You probably wanna look at the bathroom.
Go right up there.
Only don't flush anything up there.
'Cause whatever you flush up there will come right down here.
No, we have the preliminary report from the fire department.
You're gonna get a whole new bathroom.
Oh, hey, Edith.
Ain't that nice? - A whole new bathroom.
- Yeah, but I don't under-- Well, I'll tell ya I think you're gonna be into us for a pretty sizable amount.
Well, you know, it could've been a couple sizes bigger, only I fixed the fuse.
Oh, you fixed the fuse? Yeah, yeah.
Teresa blew that.
Oh.
Who's, uh, Teresa? Oh, yeah, you didn't see her yet.
Well, she's our boarder.
It's a Puerto Rican girl, you know, and electricity's awful new to them people.
Ah, gee, Mr.
Bunker, could I, uh Could I take a look at that fuse box? You certainly can, sir.
Just step right over this way here.
You go, uh, right down the cellar through that door.
Take the steps down.
The fuse box is on the other side of a pile of junk of bottles down there.
Watch the hot pipe.
It'll burn your knees.
We're in the money Now, Archie, I don't think you should've told him that Teresa started the fire.
Edith, you don't understand about insurance claim.
In order to collect on a claim, you gotta claim that somebody done something, huh? But it was an accident.
Certainly it was an accident.
Otherwise you can't collect.
I ain't saying the girl did it on purpose.
She ain't a fire bug.
She ain't like your Emperor "Negro" fiddled while Rome burned.
Well, Mr.
Bunker, I think we can start talkin' business now.
Oh, oh, that's terrific.
So, you looked everything over, and so it's gonna come to how much? Uhnothing.
Uh, w-w-wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.
You didn't say "nothing.
" Oh, yes! Nothing.
But Mr.
Ligway, the fire burned our whole bathroom.
- LIGWAY: Yeah.
- There's no toilet up there! What are we supposed to do for the rest of our lives? Run down to the Texaco station? We ain't never missed paying a premium for 20 years.
What the hell's the use of a guy carrying fire insurance? Well, all I can suggest is that you read your policy.
All we are liable for is the damage done by the fire.
LIGWAY: Now, we're not liable for any of the damage done here.
This was all done by the firemen.
Well, the firemen didn't do-- The monkeys, the monkeys, Edith.
Uh, well Jeez, I didn't know nothin' about that firemen stuff there, but I'll tell you what I'll do.
Listen, I-I'll take the fall for all of this, but listen, the fire-- the fire burned that bathroom.
Oh, yes.
Yes, that's-- that's very true.
But you see, there is evidence, Mr.
Bunker, that you may have committed a fraudulent act.
Not since I was a kid in the bathroom.
No, you see, Mr.
Bunker, what I mean to say is that there is strong evidence that you may have started this fire.
- ARCHIE: No, I didn't! - But Mr.
Ligway! How could he? He was in bed with me.
And all we was doin' was sleeping there.
Tell him, Edith.
I was asleep, and I woke up, and I smelled smoke.
And this is what caused it.
This fuse.
Bunker, you didn't replace it.
You stuck a penny in it.
Well, it got the lights goin'.
It certainly did.
And that penny caused the overloaded circuits to start the fire.
Eh, Bunker, Bunker we're both men of the world here.
Why should we go through a lengthy litigation, huh? [MUTTERS.]
Well, no, no, no.
We don't want n-nothing like that.
I mean, that's almost as bad as dragging through the courts, ain't it? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Bunker, sit down.
Oh, yeah, sure.
I think I can talk I think I can talk my company into making a settlement right now.
Tell me, uh, what kind of a figure do you think is fair? Oh, fair! Listen, fair is all I--I ever wanted, you know.
And I figure the figure that would be fair-- about $5,000.
B-but a man-of-the-world figure would be closer to, let's say, $3,500.
$500.
$500?! You think I just drove in from Jersey in a pick-up truck? - I'll take that.
- I didn't offer it.
$1,000, Mr.
Bunker, is all my company will go without investigating the possibility of arson.
And who wants to do that? Not me.
Therefore, if you will sign this release, which I have right here, I'll get a check in the mail for $1,000 in your name.
That's swell advice, Edith.
All right.
Here we are.
You know, uh, while we was doing all this, uh, I forget to, uh, tell you something.
What's that? Get the hell out of my chair! $1,000 to replace a beautiful bathroom like that?! $1,000 nowadays wouldn't even build a wooden one-holer in the backyard! No, that's true.
But it'll help to pay for the increased premiums on your fire insurance now that you're such a bad risk.
Hey, whatever happened to the company that held out their two hands to you? Well, once in a while, Mr.
Bunker, all you get is a finger.
Bye-bye.
- [TV ON.]
- Ah-ho! This is hockey at its best, Edith, 'cause both teams are out for blood here - [ARCHIE MUMBLING.]
- Archie, which do you like the best, the roses or the paisley? Please, Edith, I'm watching the hockey game.
You wanna see something exciting, Loberti's going after Jensen with his hockey stick there.
- This is it! - I like the roses.
All right, I vote for the roses.
Go get him there, Loberti! I like the paisley, too.
All right, the paisley, Edith, whatever the hell that is.
Work on his lip, there, Loberti, you got it half-open.
I like roses 'cause they smell so good.
Still, I think the paisley will make the room look bigger.
All right, Edith, use 'em both.
The room will look bigger and it'll smell good at the same time.
- Get at him, Loberti! - I don't like either one of 'em.
What do you think of the green stripes? Will you get this thing out of my face?! You see what you done?! You made me miss the best part there! Jensen turned the tables on Loberti, he beat him with the stick! They're carrying Loberti out, Edith, and if he dies, I missed the whole thing! I'm sorry.
Jeez! I'm gonna hate that wallpaper for the rest of my life.
What a disappointment.
All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
[SNORING.]
[SNORING.]
Archie.
Archie.
Archie, wake up! Archie! Oh, would you leave me alone? I was right in the middle of a beautiful dream.
I was singin' with Tommy Dorsey's band.
Let me get back.
No, wake up! Don't hit me! Wake up! All right, all right! I-I smell something.
Is it me? Oh no.
Well, then don't bother me! I-I smell-- I smell somethin' awful.
It's only New York, Edith.
No, it's comi'' from the hall.
[GASPS.]
[COUGHS.]
[COUGHING.]
Archie! Archie, wake up! There's a fire in the bathroom! - Quick, get up, Archie! - [ARCHIE GRUMBLES.]
Come on, quick! Oh, Arch, now, get up! Get up, Archie! Get up! - There's a fire in the bathroom! - [ARCHIE GRUMBLES.]
- It's full of smoke! - Yeah, yeah, yeah Come on, Archie, please! - Get up! Come on! - [ARCHIE GRUMBLING.]
- Get up, Archie! - No, don't pull me.
Don't pull me.
- Fire.
- [ARCHIE MUMBLES.]
No! Oh, Archie! Come here! - Come here! - [ARCHIE MUMBLING.]
No, no, don't go to sleep, dammit! - Edith, don't hit me no more.
- Quick, Archie! - ARCHIE: Come on - There's a fire! There's no fire in the bathroom, Edith! Holy cow! What a fire! Oh! Oh, Teresa! [KNOCKING.]
Wake up! Fire! Fire! Fire! We've got a fire.
Yell for water.
Water! Water! [BANGING.]
- TERESA: Is everybody okay? - What the hell's going on, anyway, Edith? - There's a fire in the bathroom! - [YELLING IN SPANISH.]
- It's full of smoke.
No, don't go in.
- [ALL YELLING.]
Shut up, shut up, shut up! Stifle, you.
Stifle-ito, you.
Oh, I know just what we gotta do, Edith.
Yeah, we'll call the fire department! - I was gonna say that.
- Hurry! Quick! [ALL YELLING.]
Go on, do it! Get on the phone.
Call the fire department, will you? EDITH: Fire, fire - What are you jumping around about? - Oh, I'm so nervous.
I'm so nervous! Well, you just better hold it, because the bathroom ain't in service, and it's all your fault.
It's my fault? Yes, yes, you blew out the electricity.
What was ya doing, frica-stewin' a chicken on a hot plate? No! I fixed the fuse that you blew before dinner.
You must've did something else there.
Hurry up, Edith.
Hurry up there, will ya? - [STAMMERING.]
- Don't wave your finger up in the air.
Stick it in the holes here.
- Dial 1-1-9.
- No! 9-1-1! That's what I said! Forget it.
Go on upstairs and get dressed, will ya? When the men come here, I want them gazin' at the fire in the can, not the fire in your Spanish eyes.
[CLAPS.]
Oh, my guitar! - Your what? - My guitar! Oh, guitar.
If it wasn't for you wakin' up, we'd all be playing harps around here.
EDITH: Operator! Operator! This is Edith Bunker! We're on fire! Better get your coat on.
Here, give me your We ain't on fire.
It's our house that's on fire.
Put it in the other hand, will ya, Edith? Well, not the whole house.
Just one room.
EDITH: The bathroom! Yeah, yeah.
It's easy to find! You just go down Northern Boulevard East, and then you-- you turn right at the Rexall Drugstore.
All right, don't keep yappin' at them.
You'll make them so nervous they'll jump for the fire poles and miss.
- EDITH: All right.
- Give me the telephone.
I wanna call.
- I'll see ya soon! Yeah, thank you.
- Yeah, come on, hurry up.
- Get off of the phone.
- I guess we'd better get our clothes! Never mind that, Edith.
There ain't no clothes up there that I wanna save.
Oh, what about your Army uniform? I was only a Private.
Let it burn.
Oh, well, I'm gonna get my wedding dress! Wait a minute.
You wanna die? My grandmother's brooch! Y-You wanna die, Edith? And our family picture albums! If you find the album, Edith, throw it at the fire.
Oh! If you really wanna risk your life for something, money, top of the closet on the shelf there-- my secret cigar box I never told you about with $108 in it.
Hello? Uh, h-hello, Meathead.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, I know you was in bed.
Where else? Just put off what you was doing, will ya? Get your pajamas on and get over here.
My house is on fire! [DOORBELL BUZZES.]
Who the hell is that? MAN: It's Barney, Arch! Ol' Barney Hefner, huh? Your dog killed my peonies today, Barney.
What do you want now? Hey, Arch, there's a lot of smoke coming out of your bathroom.
What's going on? The bathroom's on fire.
Oh, gee! Fire, fire! Everybody up! Come on out! Fire! Fire! - We know that, Barney.
- Oh, yeah? And the wind from your lungs will fan the flames all the way up to Long Island City.
Will you help me save some of the furniture, huh? - Sure, sure, Arch.
- All right.
Now, listen, grab that-- Uh, Barney, let's work on the same item, huh? - Get my chair, first of all.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Now, g-go easy.
It's into my "groan" here.
- Yeah, all right.
Take it easy! [YELLING.]
ARCHIE: All right, come on, come on! Wait a minute, Archie.
I'll help you! Here you go.
[GROANS.]
Come on, now! Don't got all day.
- ARCHIE: Just put it down on the lawn - All right, Arch.
- [DOG BARKS.]
- Hey, Barney, your dog's out here on our lawn.
ARCHIE: He's jumping all over my leg.
BARNEY: Well, he's a little excited.
Well, tell him I ain't another mutt, will ya? [DOG BARKING.]
What are you doing now? What is this here? Oh, that's my picture of Wayne Newton.
I ain't talking about that.
I'm talking about this.
Oh, that's my patron saint Teresa de la Rosa.
And you wonder why we had a fire.
Don't you know it's bad luck to keep "icrons" in a Christian home? Well, if she started the fire, I'm sorry.
- [CRYING.]
- "Sorry" don't help the fire, Teresa.
Miss Old Leary's cow was sorry, but Cleveland burned anyway.
Is everybody all right? Oh, Teresa and your mother-in-law are all right.
I'm suffering a little bit from smoke "exhilaration.
" - Where's the fire? - [GLORIA PANTING.]
The fire is up in the can.
Hey, Arch.
Arch, maybe if I get the garden hose, it'll reach up to the second floor.
You know what I think you ought to do? Get the garden hose.
I think it'll reach up to the second floor.
Right.
I'll get your ladder.
Don't do nothin' before you get my ladder.
You can't work without that.
- Go ahead.
- Good thinking.
[CRYING.]
Ma! Oh, Gloria! Ma! - Our home is burning! - [BOTH CRYING.]
- Barney, come on in here, will ya? - Yeah, be right in.
Well, let's move some of this stuff.
- [GRUNTS.]
Jeez, grab that, will ya? - Oh, yeah.
- I'll take this.
- All right.
- [CRYING.]
- Help me save things that are important! [BAWLING.]
Auntie Alda's napkin rings! Oh, yeah! Yeah, that was a weddin' present! [CONTINUES CRYING.]
Oh, Ma! Don't forget my bronze baby booties! Oh, yeah! They're right over here! Ma! Look what you almost forgot! Your trading stamps! Oh, I'm three books away from a dice-and-slicer! Oh, Ma! Look, the camel! - Don't forget the camel! - Oh, my camel! I don't want my camel to burn! Ma, the elephant! Oh, my elephant! I don't want my elephant to burn! Ma, the pink swan! Oh, my pink swan! I don't want my pink swan to burn! Oh, Ma! Don't forget my baby dish with Brownie the Clownie on the bottom! Oh, yeah! [MUTTERS.]
And my Tupperware certificate of merit! I think that's okay if it burns.
Come on, you women! You gotta desert the place and promise-- Where the hell is your mother? She's saving Brownie the Clownie in the kitchen.
Oh, jeez, now I can face the worst knowing that.
Oh, look, I got Brownie the Clownie! - Oh, wait a minute! - Where you goin' now? - Grab the TV trays! - Never mind the TV trays.
Edith, come on! Let's get out of here.
- What are you doin' now? - Oh, my parrot! No, we don't want that parrot, Edith! - And our pictures! - Please.
Oh, come on, come on.
- Pictures, pictures! - Out, out, Edith.
Come on.
Let's go! There's my panther, my beautiful panther! I thought you'd leave a few of these things for the looters! Oh, come on! Hurry or you'll burn! Come on, get out of here! - Barney, come here.
Come here.
- Yeah.
Yeah, Arch.
Listen, in-- in your opinion, Barney, exactly how much time does it take for an upstairs fire to get downstairs? Oh, not long, Arch.
- Then we ain't got much time.
- Right.
- Grab that sofa.
- Okay.
Okay.
Jeez, it's awful heavy here, Barney.
- Watch it, watch it.
- All right.
- [GROANS.]
- Oh, jeez.
Oh, Barney.
[BOTH GROANING.]
Barney.
Oh, wait.
Put it down.
Down, down, Barney.
Oh, my God.
- Barney.
- Yeah? Do you think this'll burn? No, Arch.
It's too heavy.
- ARCHIE: Come on! - EDITH: Archie, don't forget the sofa! - [BOTH GROAN.]
- ARCHIE: Jeez! I don't think it's gonna fit through the door, Arch.
Well, Barney, how did it get in here? It wasn't born here.
Come on, get it out, Barney.
Now, don't go too fast.
Don't push me off the porch.
- I don't wanna go off the porch, Barney.
- [DOG BARKING.]
ARCHIE: I mopped the porch finally! [ARCHIE GROANS.]
Barney, your dog is hoisting his hind leg at me now.
BARNEY: Down! Cut it out, Sam! Save it for the fire! I gotta get the rest of the stuff here.
Okay, what do we got? What do we got? Well, we got the buffet over there.
Telephone stand here.
Dining room table and chairs.
What the hell am I talking about? My television set.
- Grab that right now.
- Wait.
Wait a minute, Arch.
Wait a minute.
It just hit me.
You got fire insurance, ain't ya? Why, certainly.
I pay very heavy semi-annual premiums four times a year.
What are we knocking ourselves out for? If all this furniture gets ruined, you get new furniture for free.
Eeh You mean the insurance Ah! Oh, oh, oh, oh Hey, Barney.
Yeah? - You know what we gotta do? - No.
- All the furniture we carried out of there - Yeah? - We gotta get that back in here! - [SIRENS BLARING OUTSIDE.]
Wait.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute, Arch! - [SIRENS BLARING.]
- You hear that? The firemen are here already.
We ain't got time.
Well, how the hell am I gonna collect on all that junk unless we get it in where the fire is? Yeah, but the fire's still up there! But you think it's coming down here! - Well, look-- - [GLASS SHATTERS.]
And that's what he thinks, too.
Is this Yes, it is! ARCHIE: Hey, hey! Hey, hey! - Is this - Yes, it is! FIREMAN: All right, you guys, come on! Come on, you guys! Get in here! Rosenbloom, what are you doing?! I'm cuttin' my way in.
The door is open! Ohthen this is a shame! Arch, it's all over.
- What is all over? - I put out the fire.
- Oh, gee, why'd you do that? - Well, that's good to hear.
Thank you.
- All right, you guys, wrap it up, come on! - Wait a minute! Hey, listen! Don't you think you ought to leave Rosenbloom here with the ax, 'cause after a fire, there's a lot of smolderin' stuff left that ought to be chopped up! The fire's out.
Do you know how to swim? Yeah.
Then why don't you take a runnin' jump into the middle of Lake Polack? We're in the money, insurance money They'll have a lot of what it takes to get along Boom boom boom boom We're in the money What? What are you doing? Did you ever hear of smoke damage? Did you ever hear of fraud? Did you ever hear of gettin' lucky? Did you ever hear of going to jail? Did you ever hear of shut up? MIKE: You can't do this! Certainly I can do it.
It ain't as though I do it every day, is it, huh? This is a one-shot- in-a-lifetime chance to do something for the house or do it for Edith.
Can't you get behind me for nothing at all?! - Jeez! - Oh.
Look at this joint.
It's a ratty place.
We're gonna help it there.
Look at these curtains over here! Oh, no, no.
Arch, don't do that.
I'm only smokin' 'em up.
They look like they've been through a disaster, anyway.
Look at all the wallpaper here.
Now I'm gonna get Edith new wallpaper.
She's been asking for it for years, that's all.
Arch, the insurance company is not gonna pay for all this! Ah, you don't know nothin' about it.
The fire was up in the bathroom! They're not gonna pay for anything down here! Would you shut up and listen? Insurance companies don't care if you pump up your claim a little bit.
They just turn around, they pump up everybody's premiums.
Oh! Oh! So, because they cheated you, you feel justified in cheating them? Well, that follows, don't it? How do you sleep at night? Well, usually I start on my back, I turn over on my belly a couple of times.
This time next week I'll be doin' it in a new bed.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Ah, come on, will ya? Gee.
So, it's a little bit dishonest.
What the hell, Christmastime I'll give the church an extra buck, heh? Listen, insurance is the big racket! They're the ones that scare people half to death, tellin' 'em about all the tragedies that can happen to their lives, you know.
Hurricanes blow down a house there.
Floods sweepin' all the loved ones upstream to the sea.
Volcanoes eruptin' hot lava all over ya, you know? And you pay all them disaster premiums And then suddenly you do something-- well, like you, for instance-- you, on a Sunday afternoon, could be up in the Museum of Natural History, you know, driftin' around with the rest of the dopes up there.
And one of them big stuffed dinosaurs fall over on ya.
Crush the life out of ya.
And Gloria wouldn't collect nothin'.
'Cause the one insurance you ain't got is "dinosaur insurance.
" So, don't tell me nothin' about insurance! - [DOORBELL BUZZES.]
- I'll get it.
- I'll get that.
I'll get that.
- EDITH: I'll get that! - It's probably the insur-- - [CHATTERING.]
Oh, my! What happened to this room? I'll explain the whole thing later.
- I'll explain when this guy-- - [DOORBELL BUZZES.]
I'll be with you in a minute! But for now, remember this, see.
Be like them three monkeys.
Speak no evil hear no evil, and see no evil.
Keep that straight, huh? Keep that straight.
All right, now [CLEARS THROAT.]
All right.
Ah, hello! Are you Mr.
Bunker? Ah, yeah, I am the misfortunate here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ah! My name is Ligway.
I'm your insurance adjuster.
Oh, well, come right in then, come right in.
Oh, this is my, uh, son-in-law, Mike Stivic here.
- Ah.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah, he's leavin' fast.
- Yeah.
Good-bye.
Ask him if he sells any "dinosaur insurance.
" See you next August, buddy.
Uh, you're lookin' at my wife here.
And how do you do? Yeah, "how do you do" is about all she can say to you here because she, uh, caught a touch of "laryngosis" in the smoke.
Yeah.
Well, can I take your coat? Oh! Well, thank you.
Yeah, well, you can see everything for yourself there, Mr.
Gilway - Ligway.
- Whatever.
Just, uh, look around.
You can see all the smoke damage over there.
Ruined curtains there, ruined wallpaper.
And, oh! Look what the firemen did.
- Archie-- - [MUTTERS.]
Busted through the window, you know.
Yeah.
Oh, I tell ya.
It's a shame.
It really is a pity what a nasty fire can do to a lovely home.
Hey, look, you know, you work hard all your life, see, and you save up your dollars to fill your home with, uh, the most latest antiques.
Along comes a fire like this and-- [SNAPS.]
everything gone.
Well, that's why I'm here right now, Mr.
Bunker, because that is what insurance is all about.
Hey, I always said, "Insurance is the backbone upon which this nation sits down upon.
" Well put.
You probably wanna look at the bathroom.
Go right up there.
Only don't flush anything up there.
'Cause whatever you flush up there will come right down here.
No, we have the preliminary report from the fire department.
You're gonna get a whole new bathroom.
Oh, hey, Edith.
Ain't that nice? - A whole new bathroom.
- Yeah, but I don't under-- Well, I'll tell ya I think you're gonna be into us for a pretty sizable amount.
Well, you know, it could've been a couple sizes bigger, only I fixed the fuse.
Oh, you fixed the fuse? Yeah, yeah.
Teresa blew that.
Oh.
Who's, uh, Teresa? Oh, yeah, you didn't see her yet.
Well, she's our boarder.
It's a Puerto Rican girl, you know, and electricity's awful new to them people.
Ah, gee, Mr.
Bunker, could I, uh Could I take a look at that fuse box? You certainly can, sir.
Just step right over this way here.
You go, uh, right down the cellar through that door.
Take the steps down.
The fuse box is on the other side of a pile of junk of bottles down there.
Watch the hot pipe.
It'll burn your knees.
We're in the money Now, Archie, I don't think you should've told him that Teresa started the fire.
Edith, you don't understand about insurance claim.
In order to collect on a claim, you gotta claim that somebody done something, huh? But it was an accident.
Certainly it was an accident.
Otherwise you can't collect.
I ain't saying the girl did it on purpose.
She ain't a fire bug.
She ain't like your Emperor "Negro" fiddled while Rome burned.
Well, Mr.
Bunker, I think we can start talkin' business now.
Oh, oh, that's terrific.
So, you looked everything over, and so it's gonna come to how much? Uhnothing.
Uh, w-w-wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.
You didn't say "nothing.
" Oh, yes! Nothing.
But Mr.
Ligway, the fire burned our whole bathroom.
- LIGWAY: Yeah.
- There's no toilet up there! What are we supposed to do for the rest of our lives? Run down to the Texaco station? We ain't never missed paying a premium for 20 years.
What the hell's the use of a guy carrying fire insurance? Well, all I can suggest is that you read your policy.
All we are liable for is the damage done by the fire.
LIGWAY: Now, we're not liable for any of the damage done here.
This was all done by the firemen.
Well, the firemen didn't do-- The monkeys, the monkeys, Edith.
Uh, well Jeez, I didn't know nothin' about that firemen stuff there, but I'll tell you what I'll do.
Listen, I-I'll take the fall for all of this, but listen, the fire-- the fire burned that bathroom.
Oh, yes.
Yes, that's-- that's very true.
But you see, there is evidence, Mr.
Bunker, that you may have committed a fraudulent act.
Not since I was a kid in the bathroom.
No, you see, Mr.
Bunker, what I mean to say is that there is strong evidence that you may have started this fire.
- ARCHIE: No, I didn't! - But Mr.
Ligway! How could he? He was in bed with me.
And all we was doin' was sleeping there.
Tell him, Edith.
I was asleep, and I woke up, and I smelled smoke.
And this is what caused it.
This fuse.
Bunker, you didn't replace it.
You stuck a penny in it.
Well, it got the lights goin'.
It certainly did.
And that penny caused the overloaded circuits to start the fire.
Eh, Bunker, Bunker we're both men of the world here.
Why should we go through a lengthy litigation, huh? [MUTTERS.]
Well, no, no, no.
We don't want n-nothing like that.
I mean, that's almost as bad as dragging through the courts, ain't it? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Bunker, sit down.
Oh, yeah, sure.
I think I can talk I think I can talk my company into making a settlement right now.
Tell me, uh, what kind of a figure do you think is fair? Oh, fair! Listen, fair is all I--I ever wanted, you know.
And I figure the figure that would be fair-- about $5,000.
B-but a man-of-the-world figure would be closer to, let's say, $3,500.
$500.
$500?! You think I just drove in from Jersey in a pick-up truck? - I'll take that.
- I didn't offer it.
$1,000, Mr.
Bunker, is all my company will go without investigating the possibility of arson.
And who wants to do that? Not me.
Therefore, if you will sign this release, which I have right here, I'll get a check in the mail for $1,000 in your name.
That's swell advice, Edith.
All right.
Here we are.
You know, uh, while we was doing all this, uh, I forget to, uh, tell you something.
What's that? Get the hell out of my chair! $1,000 to replace a beautiful bathroom like that?! $1,000 nowadays wouldn't even build a wooden one-holer in the backyard! No, that's true.
But it'll help to pay for the increased premiums on your fire insurance now that you're such a bad risk.
Hey, whatever happened to the company that held out their two hands to you? Well, once in a while, Mr.
Bunker, all you get is a finger.
Bye-bye.
- [TV ON.]
- Ah-ho! This is hockey at its best, Edith, 'cause both teams are out for blood here - [ARCHIE MUMBLING.]
- Archie, which do you like the best, the roses or the paisley? Please, Edith, I'm watching the hockey game.
You wanna see something exciting, Loberti's going after Jensen with his hockey stick there.
- This is it! - I like the roses.
All right, I vote for the roses.
Go get him there, Loberti! I like the paisley, too.
All right, the paisley, Edith, whatever the hell that is.
Work on his lip, there, Loberti, you got it half-open.
I like roses 'cause they smell so good.
Still, I think the paisley will make the room look bigger.
All right, Edith, use 'em both.
The room will look bigger and it'll smell good at the same time.
- Get at him, Loberti! - I don't like either one of 'em.
What do you think of the green stripes? Will you get this thing out of my face?! You see what you done?! You made me miss the best part there! Jensen turned the tables on Loberti, he beat him with the stick! They're carrying Loberti out, Edith, and if he dies, I missed the whole thing! I'm sorry.
Jeez! I'm gonna hate that wallpaper for the rest of my life.
What a disappointment.
All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.