All In The Family s08e10 Episode Script
Archie and the KKK (1)
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days Hmm "Four-letter Italian word for goodbye.
" Bang.
B-A-N-G.
Oh, where the hell have you been, Manuel? Manuel.
Whatever.
Took you a whole hour to deliver two containers of beer? That's 'cause Mrs.
Dilson's a widow.
What's a widow got to do with it? Well, she didn't want just beer.
She wanted me.
Oh, well, she's a customer, and you're young.
Where's the money? She didn't pay nothin'.
Every time I stuck out my hand, she nibbled on the fingers.
Don't be dirty.
Go in there to the men's room and take care of the wall.
What's the matter with it? That poem is back about the old man in Nantucket.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Uh, hello, Archie's Place-- cold beer on tap, family atmosphere.
We cater to straights.
How are things going down there tonight? Oh, oh, swell.
What a mob.
They're fightin' for seats here.
Oh, you want me to come down and help you? Oh, no, no, no.
I mean, what would you do, huh? Oh, I could sing.
Well, uh, you see, we ain't got a musical crowd here tonight, Edith.
We got mostly artists and writers.
Hang on just a minute.
Uh, uh, hey, crowd there, hold it down, will ya? I'm on the horn here.
Did you hear the way they quieted down, Edith? Oh, excuse me.
Hello there, sir.
Come in.
Make yourself at home.
Make yourself at home.
Uh, Edith, I gotta leave you now.
Uh, a party of six just strolled in here.
Oh, ain't that wonderful! That's good, Archie! Bye-bye! How's business? Terrible.
Business is slow, huh? Oh, well, you know, the saloon business-- it can get slow on a Friday night.
Well, why is that? Well, nobody knows.
Are you the proprietor? Yeah, yeah.
Archie Bunker's the name.
Good.
This is for you.
Oh, what the hell are you? Some kind of a prostate server? No, I'm a bill collector.
I'll accept cash or a cashier's check for the full amount of $2,800 or your refrigeration unit will be removed next Wednesday.
Oh, come on, come on! What are you tryin' to do? Put me out of business here? Listen, I mortgaged my house to buy this joint.
You wanna see me lose my house? You're breakin' my heart.
Well, wait a minute, wait a minute.
All right.
I don't want you to be sorry for me.
But, geez, you gotta be sorry for kids.
Yeah, how many you got? Uh, five girls.
All unmarried.
I'll never get rid of them.
Uh, three of them's pregnant, one of them walks funny, and the oldest one eats paper.
Are you kidding? You've got one daughter named Gloria, a wife named Edith, a son-in-law named Meathead.
You work on a loading dock, you drove a cab nights, you served in Word War II.
Well, you're a pretty good snoop there.
The only thing you ain't got is where the German shrapnel got me.
Left cheek.
That's right.
And it pains me when winter comes.
So how'd you like to kiss it and make it better? Hold it there! You ain't gonna be drinkin' in my joint.
You're a spy.
Get out of here.
All right, all right.
Get out! All right, don't bother me nothin'.
But we'll see you next Wednesday.
Yeah, well tell that company of yours you can't squeeze blood out of a tulip! Hey, that ain't tulip, that's turnip.
Aw, shut up, you.
What did I do? Every place I look, I see an enemy.
Aw, come on, Arch.
I'm a friend, ain't I? Yeah, you're a friend? Then prove it.
Buy somethin'.
Well, I ain't thirsty.
Ah, you're tellin' me.
I can smell it on your breath.
It's like an old bar towel.
I know where you've been-- with the rest of my ex-friends at McFeeny's Topless.
No, I wasn't.
Yes, you was.
You love it over there in dairy land.
Hey, hey, Arch.
Could I have a glass of water? A glass of water? I thought you wasn't thirsty? Well, after I finish this egg, I'll be thirsty.
Get out of there! Get out of there, you! Hey, Arch, you got a funny look in your eye.
Yeah, well, you will, too, if I bust you one.
Hey, use the pay phone, you freeloader! Oh, boy, you really got problems! Yeah, you're damn right I got problems.
And you should have my problems.
I got enough of my own.
You gotta know how to handle 'em.
Aw, tell me.
Well, whenever things get serious with me, [CHUCKLES.]
I take one of these.
Pills? Yeah, pills.
You take drugs? No, not drugs! Pills! My doctor prescribed these for me.
Your doctor gave you these? Yeah, sure.
I got plenty of 'em.
He gave 'em to my wife for a weight problem, and I take 'em when I'm depressed.
It's--it's a part of today, Arch.
Everybody's got 'em in their medicine cabinet.
Take one.
Go ahead.
It'll pick you up.
Aw, no, I read about these things.
They get you hoppin' like a jackrabbit with an inside "hemrood.
" Oh, no, not these.
Regular businessmen take these.
Honest.
Truck drivers, athletes.
How do you think a fullback gets through a game with a busted knee? Team spirit.
Don't you read the papers? This is team spirit.
Give me one of them.
Now, what are you tellin' me? I take one of these and, in ten seconds, I'm Joe Namath? Well, in your case, it'd take a little longer.
But then it'll hit ya.
It'll hit me, huh? Mm-hmm.
Well--well, what do you mean? Like, um, vavoom? More like va-vavoom! Hi ya, fellas.
I can't stop now, I'm on my way to the can.
Hold it, hold it.
Hold it there, Barney! You come into my joint to use the can? Listen, I couldn't make it home from McFeeny's.
I'm up to here in beer.
Hold it, hold it.
Get back here, Barney! So you take it on at McFeeny's, and you let it out at Archie's? You're gettin' more like your dog Rusty everyday.
That is gross, Arch.
I'll show you what's gross! Hey, Arch, what are ya doin'? There.
You wanna see gross! - Calm down! Take it easy! - Aah! Arch, why are you throwin' eggs? 'Cause I ain't got no rocks! Arch, you're losin' control of yourself.
Take one of these! Ah, no.
- Go ahead-- - No! It'll make you feel better! I'll take the whole damn bottle of 'em! No, no, no! Don't do that.
You'll find yourself goin' to rock concerts.
Arch, take it easy, will ya? You keep them.
I got plenty.
I'll just ask my doctor for some more.
You know, it ain't the end of the world.
[GROANS.]
[SIGHS.]
Va-vavoom.
Nothin'.
Hey, Arch, you're out of paper towels.
Hey, listen, Barney.
The nicest way to dry your hands is to wave them in the breeze as you're saying good-bye forever! Oh, boy.
No wonder there's nobody in the joint.
Look at you! Ah, well, look at you, ya fink! Fink off! This is the last time I'm gonna use the can in this joint! You're still a fink, Barney.
Pick yourself up off the floor, Arch.
Be a person! [GAGGING.]
Aah.
Aw, geez.
I can't even raise a lousy va-vavoom.
Va-vavoom! Well, me name is McNamara And I'm the leader of the band Although we're few in numbers, we're the finest in the land Oh, we play at wakes and weddings and every fancy ball And when we play at funerals We play the march-- open the door Da-da da-da Open the door I'm comin', Arch.
Da-da da-da Take off the chain Da-da da-da [SINGING CONTINUES.]
Deedle dee dum Aw! You moved that hat rack, Edith.
Oh, no, Archie.
Come on to bed.
It's 3:00 in the morning.
3:00 in the morning Oh, no.
No, Archie, I don't want to dance.
You won't dance, I'll make you You won't dance, I'll take you You won't dance, oh, yes, you will Oh, Archie.
Come on, you've got to get your sleep.
Let's go to bed.
To where? To bed.
What do you wanna go to bed for, you naughty girl ya? Oh, stop it.
You wanna go to bed? All right, we'll go to bed.
Bed is better when you wait a little bit for bed, Edith.
In the meantime, I'm gonna do somethin' for you that I promised to do when we first moved into this house.
Big surprise.
Close your eyes.
Close your eyes.
- I'll show you.
- Where are you going? I'll show you.
I'll be right there.
Right there.
Close your eyes, Edith! Close your eyes! Close your eyes.
Are you ready? Yeah, I'm ready.
Da-da da da-da Ha ha! What are you gonna do? I'm gonna paint the porch.
Oh, Archie, No! No, not now.
Let's go upstairs.
I'll paint upstairs tomorrow, the porch tonight! No, Archie! You're crazy! Archie.
- It's the middle of the night! - Oh, yeah! - Archie, you're gonna wake up the neighbors! - Oh, this is beautiful! Hi, neighbors! Hi, neighbors what do you do, and what do you say? Shh! Hi, neighbors BARNEY: Keep it down there, Arch, will ya? It's quarter to three! You're on the wrong key there, Barney, it's Quarter to three There's no one in the joint here except you and me Stop it, Archie.
[DOG BARKING.]
[INDISTINCT YELLING.]
I want to make that a beautiful chartreuse there, Edith.
You can do it tomorrow.
- Tomorrow, huh? - Yeah.
Oh, I see.
I see.
I see.
You will have your way with me, huh, woman? Oh, Arch.
I didn't-- What? If you want me, you're gonna get me, baby.
Hey! Hey, hey.
Don't yell headache.
'Cause I'm gonna cure that headache! I'm gonna cure that headache! EDITH: Archie! Breakfast! Tomorrow, Edith! It's hotcakes and sausage, and if you don't come right away, it'll be cold cakes and sausage! What's Archie doin' out on the porch? I hope he's not paintin' it again.
Oh, no, he only paints after midnight.
The worse business is at the bar, the crazier he gets.
Hey, boss man.
Come here, come here, come here.
Did you meet Hank? Yeah.
Well, you got the P-I-L-Zs? Tsk.
You know, Mr.
Bunker, you're a lucky man.
You don't have to hang around schoolyards to pick up your junk.
Hey, listen, this isn't junk to me.
I can quit anything, anytime.
That's what my cousin said about wearin' dresses.
Now he's a majorette in the school band.
It's 10:00.
Go down and open the saloon.
I'll be right there after ya.
Hurry up! Hurry up! Hurry up! [CLEARS THROAT.]
All right, Edith, now I gotta get right down to the business.
I gotta go.
But come on and have your hotcakes and sausage.
Wh-Where's my cigars? Cigars, cigars, cigars? Over there.
Archie, you can't go to work on an empty stomach.
Yeah, well, I don't want nothin'.
Oh, come on, you gotta eat somethin'.
I'll eat my cigars.
- Oh, Archie.
Eat your pancakes.
- No, no! MICHAEL: Come on.
Eat.
No, no, no, no, no.
I got no use for food.
You know somethin'? The world eats too much that I might kick food.
Yeah.
[ALL YELLING.]
Leave me alone.
I don't want to argue.
I don't want to argue! You want me to eat? All right, I'll eat! There.
There.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
That man is on something.
Bananas.
He's on bananas? Oh.
Oh, n-- Oh, my.
Big crowd tonight, boss.
I guess you can handle it yourself, huh? Yeah, sure, sure.
Yeah.
Thanks for the night off.
What night did we say? Tonight.
This week? Hey, chief, are you all right? Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm all right.
Yeah, I'm all right.
I'm all right.
Look--look, just say the word and I stay.
No, no, no.
You go on.
You got a date.
Your girl's gonna be sore at ya.
No, no.
She'll understand.
I'll tell her somebody stabbed me.
No, no, no.
Don't do that.
No, never lie.
If there's one thing you're gonna learn workin' for me, it's that a good man never lies.
Look it, boss, I'm worried about them fireballs you've been poppin'.
And with the booze, too.
The way you've been goin', you're goin' to be the first bartender on the moon! Who the hell are you? Ralph Nuder? Come on now, asta bananas to ya.
Go on, go on, go on.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hey, Arch.
Hi, Archie.
- Hi, Manuel.
- Hello, Manuel.
Look who's here-- your family.
Yeah, just the three of us stopped by to say hello.
Just me and Gloria and Mike.
Yeah, well, I noticed you comin' in the door there.
So, what, did you come to spy on the old man, huh? [ALL MAKING EXCUSES.]
We wanted a drink.
Yeah, that's it.
We wanted a drink.
I'll have a scotch on the rocks.
Bourbon on the rocks.
Pepsi on the rocks.
Well, all right, go ahead, go ahead.
Sit down, sit down.
Let's go sit over here.
Here, Mike, sit here.
Sure.
I mean, it's all right.
It's nice to see ya.
I mean, I--I'm glad to see you all comin' in this way, you know.
I suppose lookin' around, uh, you can kinda tell that business ain't too-- what do you call it? quick tonight, you know.
But, uh, in the saloon business, the Saturday nights can be slow.
Really? Why is that? Uh, nobody knows.
But that's okay, I ain't worried.
You know, uh, that happens.
Uh, business will pick up.
See, I ain't worried about nothin'.
There ya are.
Pepsi there.
There's a bourbon for you.
Scotch for you.
Aren't you gonna have somethin'? Oh, no, I--I never touch nothin' strong on the job.
Drink up.
Here's to Archie's Place.
Yeah.
Here, here, Daddy.
Well, listen, you know, I ain't perfect.
I--I make a mistake here and there.
For instance, you know, buying the place and maybe, uh--uh, my mind chewed off more than a mind should bite.
But, hey, listen.
I was reading the paper the other day and seen an ad in the paper for one of these guys they call efficiency experts.
An efficiency expert is a guy who works out a system of things.
Systems, see? Systems for doin' things the right way.
See? So I figure I'll answer that ad and get one of them efficiency experts guys to show me the system.
And I'll listen to that guy, see? I will listen to that guy! Well, that makes sense.
Doesn't it, Ma? It makes sense.
Michael, doesn't that make sense? Michael? Oh, yeah.
Oh, damn right it makes-- a system makes sense, see? And, uh, once I get on the system here, then the place will start to hum.
[HUMMING.]
See? And one saloon, hey, one saloon could be two.
Two is better than one.
And why not three? Three's better than two.
But I'll tell ya what's best of all-- a whole string of saloons.
See, a whole string of them there.
They could be novelty joints, they could be specialty joints.
You know I was thinkin' curb service.
You know, you've seen curb service.
Well, maybe have a curb service there.
Not maybe.
The hell with it, I mean we'll have a curb service there! And what about the motel, see? Now, you've all seen a bar in a motel.
But whoever heard of a motel in a bar? Aah.
Hey, you sell 'em all they want to drink there, then you charge 'em to sleep it off in the back.
I even got a name for that-- Booze 'n Snooze.
Booze 'n Snooze, Booze 'n Snooze, huh? - Nice.
- Hey, yeah.
Hey, that's the way to success.
So--so even when you're down a little bit there, a little success, see, and you're right up again.
You know what I mean? Huh? - Daddy, that's--sure.
- Sure? - Sit down, Archie.
- Yeah, yeah, let me sit down.
Well, did you hear about McDonald's? You know, McDonald's.
The hamburger guy McDonald! All right, now, what the hell was McDonald but just a guy like me starting out with a shack and a hotplate and a couple of pounds of raw meat.
That's all.
Now the guy's a multi-billionaire.
He's so rich, he don't have to eat his own hamburger for the rest of his life.
Huh? Huh? Oh, geez, look at this.
See, the flower's gone out of there.
So, hey, McDonald, he's big.
Yeah, but he ain't the only guy.
McDonald's with his arches, see? McDonald's arches.
What about Archie's arches? See? Archie's golden arches.
Archie's arches, huh? Does that sound good? There'd be a sign up there, see? "Over one billion belts of booze, boy" Hey, that's good.
Say that fast.
A billion belts of booze, boy.
Say that fast.
Say it, say it, say it! ALL: One billion belts of booze, boy.
Say it faster than that! A billion belts of booze, boy.
A billion belts of booze, boy.
Yeah, see? Say belts of booze-- And people will be trying to say that all over.
They'll have it on the television quiz shows, you know? Say it fast.
Billion belts of booze, boy.
And a group of businesses-- a better business.
Business better, better business.
Say that, Edith.
Better business, business better.
Yeah, better business, see? And then, you know what? I see there also gas stations, see? But that ain't a gas station, 'cause the pumps, they ain't pumpin' gas.
Ah ha ha.
They ain't pumpin' gas.
You know what them pumps are pumpin'? There's a pump for bourbon.
A pump for scotch.
And then there's a premium pump, little girl.
You know what the premium pump is pumpin' there? Champagne.
Huh? Huh? - What beautiful ideas, Daddy.
- They're terrific, huh? Oh, look.
There ain't no flower in that.
Here.
Archie, why don't you close up and come on home? Home, home! Home is wherever the operation is.
The operation can go anywhere all over the world, Edith.
The operation can go to, uh, Russia, China, huh? Even to the North Pole, where you got free ice cubes all around you there, huh? Um, Arch, what do you say I help you close up for tonight, huh? Close up is to close down! Close down is to go bust.
You don't do that.
You stay open all the time.
Archie's will be open all the time.
You start off this way.
Here's the scam.
One bar here, see? One bar in Queens.
And then from Queens, then you spread out.
You see here? Hey, Edith, here.
Hey, take the flower from there and put it in here.
And then you spread out.
You go up to Jersey.
What the hell am I talkin' about? I hate Jersey all my life.
I don't want to go to Jersey.
We'll go to Connecticut, see? Up there with all the swells in Connecticut.
And then when the winter time comes along, the swells all go down to Florida.
You move the operation down to Florida with them, because anything that goes big in Florida, boy, that's big every place, see? The whole thing down there.
The curb service down there, see? And the Booze 'n Snooze there.
Billion belts of booze, boy.
And all of that.
And the pumps with the bourbon and scotch and champagne! You'd make a million there, Edith, you know? You'd make a million there.
Oh, hey, hey, don't look like that.
I know what I'm doin'.
I know what I'm doin', Edith.
Yeah.
Well.
I--I don't know what I'm doin' at all.
I--I don't--I don't know what I'm doin' here.
I--I--I tried, Edith, you know.
And Lord knows I try.
But I was wrong, I--I should have listened to you, darling, you know.
You told me not to open up no bar.
But I wanted itto be somethin' big, you know? But the hell with it I guess.
I'm just aa working man.
That's all I'll ever be.
But I didn't mean no harm, Edith.
I didn't mean no harm.
It's all right, Archie.
I didn't mean no harm, Edith.
Everything's gonna be all right, Archie.
[CRYING.]
I didn't mean no harm, Edith.
I didn't mean no harm.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
" Bang.
B-A-N-G.
Oh, where the hell have you been, Manuel? Manuel.
Whatever.
Took you a whole hour to deliver two containers of beer? That's 'cause Mrs.
Dilson's a widow.
What's a widow got to do with it? Well, she didn't want just beer.
She wanted me.
Oh, well, she's a customer, and you're young.
Where's the money? She didn't pay nothin'.
Every time I stuck out my hand, she nibbled on the fingers.
Don't be dirty.
Go in there to the men's room and take care of the wall.
What's the matter with it? That poem is back about the old man in Nantucket.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Uh, hello, Archie's Place-- cold beer on tap, family atmosphere.
We cater to straights.
How are things going down there tonight? Oh, oh, swell.
What a mob.
They're fightin' for seats here.
Oh, you want me to come down and help you? Oh, no, no, no.
I mean, what would you do, huh? Oh, I could sing.
Well, uh, you see, we ain't got a musical crowd here tonight, Edith.
We got mostly artists and writers.
Hang on just a minute.
Uh, uh, hey, crowd there, hold it down, will ya? I'm on the horn here.
Did you hear the way they quieted down, Edith? Oh, excuse me.
Hello there, sir.
Come in.
Make yourself at home.
Make yourself at home.
Uh, Edith, I gotta leave you now.
Uh, a party of six just strolled in here.
Oh, ain't that wonderful! That's good, Archie! Bye-bye! How's business? Terrible.
Business is slow, huh? Oh, well, you know, the saloon business-- it can get slow on a Friday night.
Well, why is that? Well, nobody knows.
Are you the proprietor? Yeah, yeah.
Archie Bunker's the name.
Good.
This is for you.
Oh, what the hell are you? Some kind of a prostate server? No, I'm a bill collector.
I'll accept cash or a cashier's check for the full amount of $2,800 or your refrigeration unit will be removed next Wednesday.
Oh, come on, come on! What are you tryin' to do? Put me out of business here? Listen, I mortgaged my house to buy this joint.
You wanna see me lose my house? You're breakin' my heart.
Well, wait a minute, wait a minute.
All right.
I don't want you to be sorry for me.
But, geez, you gotta be sorry for kids.
Yeah, how many you got? Uh, five girls.
All unmarried.
I'll never get rid of them.
Uh, three of them's pregnant, one of them walks funny, and the oldest one eats paper.
Are you kidding? You've got one daughter named Gloria, a wife named Edith, a son-in-law named Meathead.
You work on a loading dock, you drove a cab nights, you served in Word War II.
Well, you're a pretty good snoop there.
The only thing you ain't got is where the German shrapnel got me.
Left cheek.
That's right.
And it pains me when winter comes.
So how'd you like to kiss it and make it better? Hold it there! You ain't gonna be drinkin' in my joint.
You're a spy.
Get out of here.
All right, all right.
Get out! All right, don't bother me nothin'.
But we'll see you next Wednesday.
Yeah, well tell that company of yours you can't squeeze blood out of a tulip! Hey, that ain't tulip, that's turnip.
Aw, shut up, you.
What did I do? Every place I look, I see an enemy.
Aw, come on, Arch.
I'm a friend, ain't I? Yeah, you're a friend? Then prove it.
Buy somethin'.
Well, I ain't thirsty.
Ah, you're tellin' me.
I can smell it on your breath.
It's like an old bar towel.
I know where you've been-- with the rest of my ex-friends at McFeeny's Topless.
No, I wasn't.
Yes, you was.
You love it over there in dairy land.
Hey, hey, Arch.
Could I have a glass of water? A glass of water? I thought you wasn't thirsty? Well, after I finish this egg, I'll be thirsty.
Get out of there! Get out of there, you! Hey, Arch, you got a funny look in your eye.
Yeah, well, you will, too, if I bust you one.
Hey, use the pay phone, you freeloader! Oh, boy, you really got problems! Yeah, you're damn right I got problems.
And you should have my problems.
I got enough of my own.
You gotta know how to handle 'em.
Aw, tell me.
Well, whenever things get serious with me, [CHUCKLES.]
I take one of these.
Pills? Yeah, pills.
You take drugs? No, not drugs! Pills! My doctor prescribed these for me.
Your doctor gave you these? Yeah, sure.
I got plenty of 'em.
He gave 'em to my wife for a weight problem, and I take 'em when I'm depressed.
It's--it's a part of today, Arch.
Everybody's got 'em in their medicine cabinet.
Take one.
Go ahead.
It'll pick you up.
Aw, no, I read about these things.
They get you hoppin' like a jackrabbit with an inside "hemrood.
" Oh, no, not these.
Regular businessmen take these.
Honest.
Truck drivers, athletes.
How do you think a fullback gets through a game with a busted knee? Team spirit.
Don't you read the papers? This is team spirit.
Give me one of them.
Now, what are you tellin' me? I take one of these and, in ten seconds, I'm Joe Namath? Well, in your case, it'd take a little longer.
But then it'll hit ya.
It'll hit me, huh? Mm-hmm.
Well--well, what do you mean? Like, um, vavoom? More like va-vavoom! Hi ya, fellas.
I can't stop now, I'm on my way to the can.
Hold it, hold it.
Hold it there, Barney! You come into my joint to use the can? Listen, I couldn't make it home from McFeeny's.
I'm up to here in beer.
Hold it, hold it.
Get back here, Barney! So you take it on at McFeeny's, and you let it out at Archie's? You're gettin' more like your dog Rusty everyday.
That is gross, Arch.
I'll show you what's gross! Hey, Arch, what are ya doin'? There.
You wanna see gross! - Calm down! Take it easy! - Aah! Arch, why are you throwin' eggs? 'Cause I ain't got no rocks! Arch, you're losin' control of yourself.
Take one of these! Ah, no.
- Go ahead-- - No! It'll make you feel better! I'll take the whole damn bottle of 'em! No, no, no! Don't do that.
You'll find yourself goin' to rock concerts.
Arch, take it easy, will ya? You keep them.
I got plenty.
I'll just ask my doctor for some more.
You know, it ain't the end of the world.
[GROANS.]
[SIGHS.]
Va-vavoom.
Nothin'.
Hey, Arch, you're out of paper towels.
Hey, listen, Barney.
The nicest way to dry your hands is to wave them in the breeze as you're saying good-bye forever! Oh, boy.
No wonder there's nobody in the joint.
Look at you! Ah, well, look at you, ya fink! Fink off! This is the last time I'm gonna use the can in this joint! You're still a fink, Barney.
Pick yourself up off the floor, Arch.
Be a person! [GAGGING.]
Aah.
Aw, geez.
I can't even raise a lousy va-vavoom.
Va-vavoom! Well, me name is McNamara And I'm the leader of the band Although we're few in numbers, we're the finest in the land Oh, we play at wakes and weddings and every fancy ball And when we play at funerals We play the march-- open the door Da-da da-da Open the door I'm comin', Arch.
Da-da da-da Take off the chain Da-da da-da [SINGING CONTINUES.]
Deedle dee dum Aw! You moved that hat rack, Edith.
Oh, no, Archie.
Come on to bed.
It's 3:00 in the morning.
3:00 in the morning Oh, no.
No, Archie, I don't want to dance.
You won't dance, I'll make you You won't dance, I'll take you You won't dance, oh, yes, you will Oh, Archie.
Come on, you've got to get your sleep.
Let's go to bed.
To where? To bed.
What do you wanna go to bed for, you naughty girl ya? Oh, stop it.
You wanna go to bed? All right, we'll go to bed.
Bed is better when you wait a little bit for bed, Edith.
In the meantime, I'm gonna do somethin' for you that I promised to do when we first moved into this house.
Big surprise.
Close your eyes.
Close your eyes.
- I'll show you.
- Where are you going? I'll show you.
I'll be right there.
Right there.
Close your eyes, Edith! Close your eyes! Close your eyes.
Are you ready? Yeah, I'm ready.
Da-da da da-da Ha ha! What are you gonna do? I'm gonna paint the porch.
Oh, Archie, No! No, not now.
Let's go upstairs.
I'll paint upstairs tomorrow, the porch tonight! No, Archie! You're crazy! Archie.
- It's the middle of the night! - Oh, yeah! - Archie, you're gonna wake up the neighbors! - Oh, this is beautiful! Hi, neighbors! Hi, neighbors what do you do, and what do you say? Shh! Hi, neighbors BARNEY: Keep it down there, Arch, will ya? It's quarter to three! You're on the wrong key there, Barney, it's Quarter to three There's no one in the joint here except you and me Stop it, Archie.
[DOG BARKING.]
[INDISTINCT YELLING.]
I want to make that a beautiful chartreuse there, Edith.
You can do it tomorrow.
- Tomorrow, huh? - Yeah.
Oh, I see.
I see.
I see.
You will have your way with me, huh, woman? Oh, Arch.
I didn't-- What? If you want me, you're gonna get me, baby.
Hey! Hey, hey.
Don't yell headache.
'Cause I'm gonna cure that headache! I'm gonna cure that headache! EDITH: Archie! Breakfast! Tomorrow, Edith! It's hotcakes and sausage, and if you don't come right away, it'll be cold cakes and sausage! What's Archie doin' out on the porch? I hope he's not paintin' it again.
Oh, no, he only paints after midnight.
The worse business is at the bar, the crazier he gets.
Hey, boss man.
Come here, come here, come here.
Did you meet Hank? Yeah.
Well, you got the P-I-L-Zs? Tsk.
You know, Mr.
Bunker, you're a lucky man.
You don't have to hang around schoolyards to pick up your junk.
Hey, listen, this isn't junk to me.
I can quit anything, anytime.
That's what my cousin said about wearin' dresses.
Now he's a majorette in the school band.
It's 10:00.
Go down and open the saloon.
I'll be right there after ya.
Hurry up! Hurry up! Hurry up! [CLEARS THROAT.]
All right, Edith, now I gotta get right down to the business.
I gotta go.
But come on and have your hotcakes and sausage.
Wh-Where's my cigars? Cigars, cigars, cigars? Over there.
Archie, you can't go to work on an empty stomach.
Yeah, well, I don't want nothin'.
Oh, come on, you gotta eat somethin'.
I'll eat my cigars.
- Oh, Archie.
Eat your pancakes.
- No, no! MICHAEL: Come on.
Eat.
No, no, no, no, no.
I got no use for food.
You know somethin'? The world eats too much that I might kick food.
Yeah.
[ALL YELLING.]
Leave me alone.
I don't want to argue.
I don't want to argue! You want me to eat? All right, I'll eat! There.
There.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
That man is on something.
Bananas.
He's on bananas? Oh.
Oh, n-- Oh, my.
Big crowd tonight, boss.
I guess you can handle it yourself, huh? Yeah, sure, sure.
Yeah.
Thanks for the night off.
What night did we say? Tonight.
This week? Hey, chief, are you all right? Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm all right.
Yeah, I'm all right.
I'm all right.
Look--look, just say the word and I stay.
No, no, no.
You go on.
You got a date.
Your girl's gonna be sore at ya.
No, no.
She'll understand.
I'll tell her somebody stabbed me.
No, no, no.
Don't do that.
No, never lie.
If there's one thing you're gonna learn workin' for me, it's that a good man never lies.
Look it, boss, I'm worried about them fireballs you've been poppin'.
And with the booze, too.
The way you've been goin', you're goin' to be the first bartender on the moon! Who the hell are you? Ralph Nuder? Come on now, asta bananas to ya.
Go on, go on, go on.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hey, Arch.
Hi, Archie.
- Hi, Manuel.
- Hello, Manuel.
Look who's here-- your family.
Yeah, just the three of us stopped by to say hello.
Just me and Gloria and Mike.
Yeah, well, I noticed you comin' in the door there.
So, what, did you come to spy on the old man, huh? [ALL MAKING EXCUSES.]
We wanted a drink.
Yeah, that's it.
We wanted a drink.
I'll have a scotch on the rocks.
Bourbon on the rocks.
Pepsi on the rocks.
Well, all right, go ahead, go ahead.
Sit down, sit down.
Let's go sit over here.
Here, Mike, sit here.
Sure.
I mean, it's all right.
It's nice to see ya.
I mean, I--I'm glad to see you all comin' in this way, you know.
I suppose lookin' around, uh, you can kinda tell that business ain't too-- what do you call it? quick tonight, you know.
But, uh, in the saloon business, the Saturday nights can be slow.
Really? Why is that? Uh, nobody knows.
But that's okay, I ain't worried.
You know, uh, that happens.
Uh, business will pick up.
See, I ain't worried about nothin'.
There ya are.
Pepsi there.
There's a bourbon for you.
Scotch for you.
Aren't you gonna have somethin'? Oh, no, I--I never touch nothin' strong on the job.
Drink up.
Here's to Archie's Place.
Yeah.
Here, here, Daddy.
Well, listen, you know, I ain't perfect.
I--I make a mistake here and there.
For instance, you know, buying the place and maybe, uh--uh, my mind chewed off more than a mind should bite.
But, hey, listen.
I was reading the paper the other day and seen an ad in the paper for one of these guys they call efficiency experts.
An efficiency expert is a guy who works out a system of things.
Systems, see? Systems for doin' things the right way.
See? So I figure I'll answer that ad and get one of them efficiency experts guys to show me the system.
And I'll listen to that guy, see? I will listen to that guy! Well, that makes sense.
Doesn't it, Ma? It makes sense.
Michael, doesn't that make sense? Michael? Oh, yeah.
Oh, damn right it makes-- a system makes sense, see? And, uh, once I get on the system here, then the place will start to hum.
[HUMMING.]
See? And one saloon, hey, one saloon could be two.
Two is better than one.
And why not three? Three's better than two.
But I'll tell ya what's best of all-- a whole string of saloons.
See, a whole string of them there.
They could be novelty joints, they could be specialty joints.
You know I was thinkin' curb service.
You know, you've seen curb service.
Well, maybe have a curb service there.
Not maybe.
The hell with it, I mean we'll have a curb service there! And what about the motel, see? Now, you've all seen a bar in a motel.
But whoever heard of a motel in a bar? Aah.
Hey, you sell 'em all they want to drink there, then you charge 'em to sleep it off in the back.
I even got a name for that-- Booze 'n Snooze.
Booze 'n Snooze, Booze 'n Snooze, huh? - Nice.
- Hey, yeah.
Hey, that's the way to success.
So--so even when you're down a little bit there, a little success, see, and you're right up again.
You know what I mean? Huh? - Daddy, that's--sure.
- Sure? - Sit down, Archie.
- Yeah, yeah, let me sit down.
Well, did you hear about McDonald's? You know, McDonald's.
The hamburger guy McDonald! All right, now, what the hell was McDonald but just a guy like me starting out with a shack and a hotplate and a couple of pounds of raw meat.
That's all.
Now the guy's a multi-billionaire.
He's so rich, he don't have to eat his own hamburger for the rest of his life.
Huh? Huh? Oh, geez, look at this.
See, the flower's gone out of there.
So, hey, McDonald, he's big.
Yeah, but he ain't the only guy.
McDonald's with his arches, see? McDonald's arches.
What about Archie's arches? See? Archie's golden arches.
Archie's arches, huh? Does that sound good? There'd be a sign up there, see? "Over one billion belts of booze, boy" Hey, that's good.
Say that fast.
A billion belts of booze, boy.
Say that fast.
Say it, say it, say it! ALL: One billion belts of booze, boy.
Say it faster than that! A billion belts of booze, boy.
A billion belts of booze, boy.
Yeah, see? Say belts of booze-- And people will be trying to say that all over.
They'll have it on the television quiz shows, you know? Say it fast.
Billion belts of booze, boy.
And a group of businesses-- a better business.
Business better, better business.
Say that, Edith.
Better business, business better.
Yeah, better business, see? And then, you know what? I see there also gas stations, see? But that ain't a gas station, 'cause the pumps, they ain't pumpin' gas.
Ah ha ha.
They ain't pumpin' gas.
You know what them pumps are pumpin'? There's a pump for bourbon.
A pump for scotch.
And then there's a premium pump, little girl.
You know what the premium pump is pumpin' there? Champagne.
Huh? Huh? - What beautiful ideas, Daddy.
- They're terrific, huh? Oh, look.
There ain't no flower in that.
Here.
Archie, why don't you close up and come on home? Home, home! Home is wherever the operation is.
The operation can go anywhere all over the world, Edith.
The operation can go to, uh, Russia, China, huh? Even to the North Pole, where you got free ice cubes all around you there, huh? Um, Arch, what do you say I help you close up for tonight, huh? Close up is to close down! Close down is to go bust.
You don't do that.
You stay open all the time.
Archie's will be open all the time.
You start off this way.
Here's the scam.
One bar here, see? One bar in Queens.
And then from Queens, then you spread out.
You see here? Hey, Edith, here.
Hey, take the flower from there and put it in here.
And then you spread out.
You go up to Jersey.
What the hell am I talkin' about? I hate Jersey all my life.
I don't want to go to Jersey.
We'll go to Connecticut, see? Up there with all the swells in Connecticut.
And then when the winter time comes along, the swells all go down to Florida.
You move the operation down to Florida with them, because anything that goes big in Florida, boy, that's big every place, see? The whole thing down there.
The curb service down there, see? And the Booze 'n Snooze there.
Billion belts of booze, boy.
And all of that.
And the pumps with the bourbon and scotch and champagne! You'd make a million there, Edith, you know? You'd make a million there.
Oh, hey, hey, don't look like that.
I know what I'm doin'.
I know what I'm doin', Edith.
Yeah.
Well.
I--I don't know what I'm doin' at all.
I--I don't--I don't know what I'm doin' here.
I--I--I tried, Edith, you know.
And Lord knows I try.
But I was wrong, I--I should have listened to you, darling, you know.
You told me not to open up no bar.
But I wanted itto be somethin' big, you know? But the hell with it I guess.
I'm just aa working man.
That's all I'll ever be.
But I didn't mean no harm, Edith.
I didn't mean no harm.
It's all right, Archie.
I didn't mean no harm, Edith.
Everything's gonna be all right, Archie.
[CRYING.]
I didn't mean no harm, Edith.
I didn't mean no harm.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.