All In The Family s09e14 Episode Script

A Night at the PTA

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us, we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls, and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days EDITH: I'm in the kitchen, Archie.
Hello, Archie.
Archie? Archie, did you come in? [WATER FLUSHING.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh, you did.
STEPHIE: It's me, Aunt Edith.
Oh, it's you.
Oh.
[KISS.]
You sounded like your Uncle Archie.
I got ladyfingers for you.
No, thanks.
Oh, they're big.
They could be lady thumbs.
No, thanks.
Well, what's the matter? Nothing.
Did something go wrong at school? No.
Oh, come on.
You are sad about something.
I'm happy.
Oh, no, you ain't.
Come on, tell me.
I'm lucky.
All the other kids have to find songs to sing and poems to recite, but not me.
What are you talking about? They're getting ready for parents and children's night.
'Cause I don't have any parents.
Oh, of course you do.
Why, you got me and Archie.
As long as you're living here, we're your mommy and daddy.
I'm the mommy.
I could be in the show with you, if you want.
I could sing.
I knew you'd like that.
Now, let's see what'll we do.
Oh, I know.
"Little Glowworm.
" Oh, they love this.
[PLAYING.]
Glow, little glowworm Glimmer, gli-- Come on and sing.
It don't matter if you don't know it.
Just do what I do, and you'll be perfect.
Glow, little glowworm Glimmer, glimmer Glow, little glowworm Glimmer, glimmer Lead us lest too far we wander Love's sweet voice is calling yonder Give me a break over here, will you? - Edith, Edith, calm--calm-- - Oh.
Hi, Archie.
Jeez, I feel like I've been gunned down here.
What the hell is this, The Singing Dingbats? Oh Guess what? I don't want to guess nothing.
Stephie and me are gonna sing a duet.
Oh, jeez, well, I guessed that.
Where? - At school, for parent and children's night.
- Oh.
Edith, the two of youse ain't gonna go out there and sing that in front of the world, in front of all 'em parents? They're our acquaintances, and neighbors and near neighbors.
- Oh.
- Yeah, and in front of you.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, not me.
- I ain't gonna be there, Edith.
- Oh, yes, you are.
I ain't gonna be there, Edith.
In fact, you might as well run out and buy me some chopsticks.
What for? 'Cause if youse two go on with this in public, I'm gonna be hiding in China.
Aunt Edith's singing isn't so bad.
Thank you.
You're young yet there, kiddo.
Your ears haven't opened fully.
Why do you always make jokes about Aunt Edith's singing? They ain't jokes.
Them is serious cries from the heart.
You always said you liked my singing when you was courting me.
Oh, well, Edith, jeez.
If everybody told the truth while they was courting, there wouldn't be no marriages.
Archie, me and Stephie are gonna practice.
You're gonna be proud of us.
Ain't he? Proud of youse? If you really go on with this thing, Edith, I'm liable to go out and change my name.
Archie, people love it.
That's entertainment Entertainment I hate entertainment.
Entertainment is a thing of the past.
Today we got television.
Can we do this one, Aunt Edith? "Sister Kate.
" Oh, yeah.
Remember "Sister Kate," Archie? Oh, yeah.
That was that dumb movie about nuns starring "Ingrid Bernstein.
" No, no.
This is a good song.
Now, we're gonna start and we're gonna practice night and day, so we get every note perfect.
Oh, God.
[PLAYING.]
Went to a dance with my sister Kate Everyone there said she danced so great I realized a thing or two I hope you're noting this down, Lord.
Hey, I'm paying for sins here.
[SINGING AND PLAYING CONTINUE.]
Went to a dance with my sister Kate Everyone there said she danced so great I realized a thing or two [COUGHS.]
That I got wise to something new Went to a dance with my sister Kate Everyone there said she danced so great I realized a thing or two [COUGHS.]
That I got wise to something new Went to a dance with my sister Kate Everyone there said she danced so great I realized a thing or two [COUGHS.]
That I got wise to something new Went to a dance with my sister Kate Everyone there said she danced so great I realized a thing or two That I got wise to something new Will you leave me alone? Listen, I couldn't go to that thing even if I wanted to.
Suppose we get busy in here tonight.
I can handle it.
I think you oughta go to the school show.
I hate school shows.
I hated school shows ever since I was this high.
God, will I ever forget them? There was always some kid pounding a piano, and then there was always some four-eyed sissy torturing a violin, and some fat slob reciting "Trees".
And then there was always the black kid singing "My Yiddishe Mama.
" Hey, come on, Arch.
I got the cards ready.
- Okay, I'll be right with you there.
- What's going on? This guy thinks he's gonna take some money off me.
- Come on, get your dollar up.
- And where the hell is yours? - Right here, here it is.
- Put it up.
There's mine.
What do we do? All right, now.
- Here's a pair of kings.
- Yeah.
- Here's a pair of queens.
- Yeah.
Which pair do you take? Are you kidding? No.
Which pair do I take? I take this pair.
And I take this pair.
Ha ha ha.
Wait, wait.
[LAUGHS.]
What the hell are you laughing at there? What kind of a gag is this? There's no gag, you had your choice.
All right, all right.
Well, I want another choice.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
- I want a return match.
Come on.
- Oh, no.
Get a dollar up there.
Oh, well, I'm being coerced.
- All right, go ahead.
- All right.
Now, like I said before, here's a pair of kings.
I see them there.
- And here's a pair of queens.
- I see the queens, yeah.
All right, which pair do you take? Oh, well, hold it, wise guy.
What do you think, I just drove in from Long Island on a load of turnips? This time you go first.
Which pair do you take? I take this pair.
Ha ha ha.
Now, wait a minute.
This is supposed-- [TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Will you deal me a hand ? You keep a hand yourself-- - Oh, wait, I got another one.
- Never mind the other one.
- Arch Arch! - Just a minute.
- What do you want? - It's for you.
Just a minute.
I don't want the other one.
I want the same one.
I'll be back with you in a minute there, wise guy.
Hello.
Oh, hello there, Rosemarie.
BOTH MEN: Stephanie! Shush up, youse.
Yeah, what d'you want? Something awful's happened.
Aunt Edith can't sing.
Well, who said she ever could? I mean, she lost her voice, and the show's tonight, and she sounds terrible.
Well, wait a minute, kiddo, don't be upset, see, your Aunt Edith ain't lost her voice that is her voice.
No.
I mean, she can't talk either.
She opens her mouth and nothing comes out.
Listen.
[HOARSELY.]
Ahh ahh ahh.
Is that you, Edith? [HOARSELY.]
I can't talk.
[COUGHS.]
See? She sounds like she's in a bottle.
Well, all right, but what does she want me to do, huh? Friedman's Pharmacy, pick up a prescription there? All right, tell her I'll do that.
I'll be right home.
Good-bye.
What happened, Arch? There's something wrong with Edith.
She opens her mouth and nothing comes out.
You better hurry home so you can enjoy it.
[FAKE LAUGH.]
Oh, yeah, but, gee, I hope it ain't that old trouble coming back, you know? Oh, gee, then it would be a kind of an emergency.
I don't know what to do.
Could you lend me a deuce for a cab? - Oh, sure, Arch.
Here.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, gee.
God bless you.
But I think I'll walk.
Hey, Edith, there.
I'm home with your medicine here.
[NO AUDIO.]
Well, it's a new approach, Edith.
Did Dr.
Shapiro call you from his club or from his Lincoln Continental? There.
But he examined you over the phone as usual, huh? Yeah.
I hope he gave us a discount for distance.
Listen, I--I want to take a look at your throat, Edith.
Open up your mouth there.
Oh, jeez, it looks it looks terrible in there, Edith.
All right, give me a-- give me an "ahh.
" She writes me an "ahh.
" Edith, Edith, listen.
This could be serious, you know.
I mean, maybe we oughta take you to see some kind of specialist.
Can you remember what brung-- brung it on? No, no.
Don't write it, Edith.
Can't you just tell me? Oh, you can't talk.
Well, do what you done before on the phone, you know.
The hissing at me.
[NO AUDIO.]
The doctor says, "No whispering.
" Yeah, well, all right, go ahead.
Write it out to me.
God.
[SIGHS.]
What the hell are we doing here? Edith, will you stifle yourself over there? Let me read that.
[NO AUDIO.]
Bring it over to me! [GRUNTS.]
[COUGHS.]
[GRUMBLES.]
See what the hell she's got here.
"This thing "happened once before in our family.
"In 1943 "In 1943, my Aunt Lou and Uncle Dalton - "was collecting rubber and tin cans - [NO AUDIO.]
"for the scrap drive to win the war, in Brooklyn.
"While they was crossing Flatbush Avenue It was at the corner of DeKalb and Flatbush.
" This here is very suspenseful, Edith.
"Only Aunt Lou knew the DeKalb Avenue trolley was bearing down on them.
" Couldn't Dalton hear the damn thing? Oh.
"Uncle Dalton was hard of hearing.
Aunt Lou had lost her voice.
" What a perfect pair.
"So she couldn't warn him.
All of a sudden" All of a sudden what? They was hit by the trolley? Killed, I hope? - [NO AUDIO.]
- Aunt Lou was killed! [NO AUDIO.]
She got her voice back? Yeah.
Well, Dalton at least was killed.
He got cauliflower ears? He got his hearing back? Oh, jeez, but, Edith, where does all this leave us with regards to the question here at hand? [NO AUDIO.]
The question was: how did you lose your voice? Don't write it, Edith.
I don't care no more.
Hi, Uncle Archie.
Now we're talking here.
Are you any better, Aunt Edith? - No, she ain't no better, no.
- [COUGHS.]
You hear that cough there? That's the smog over New York does that, see? And she ain't liable to be better soon, either.
A thing like this could take two, three days, maybe-- maybe a year.
Then we can't be in the show tonight? Well, don't look so "chestfallen" about it.
That means that, uh, tomorrow morning, you won't wake up dyin' of shame, huh? You stay home tonight, and you watch TV.
That's the best thing to do.
Hey, I see by the Guide there that there's a good animal show on, you know, with that kindly old gent, "Marlons Perkos.
" You can watch that.
He's gonna show you how an anaconda snake can swallow a whole Brazilian soldier.
[NO AUDIO.]
I have an idea.
You and me will go to the show.
I will sing alone.
You will play the piano.
But Dr.
Shapiro says you shouldn't go out.
I don't think he'd like it either.
Uncle Archie wouldn't like it.
Sew what? So what? - Oh, you're stuck? - Yeah.
You don't know how to play this game, do you? What do you mean? Don't you know that if you sit stuck here for 30 seconds or more, you're allowed to lift up the first down card? Play it on the red 4, huh? That's cheatin'! No, it ain't.
That's 1978 rules, dummy.
Oh.
Here's your two bottles of rye here, Harry.
You coulda been a sport.
When Edith fell out, you coulda took her place and sung a little song with the kid.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
to that.
Sorry there.
Let me tell you something.
I'm a businessman, see? In this world, it's to each its own.
I don't sing, Sinatra don't sell beer.
Well, there's lots of parents there tonight taking pride in their kids.
You don't understand me.
This kid I got with me sings terrible.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
She's from Edith's side of the family, ain't she? God knows they all sing terrible over there.
And then I got a clue myself the other night, see? She's up in the bathtub, she sits down, and the water's too hot.
She lets out a high note that went through my head like a nail.
Archie, Archie.
Guess what.
I can guess you got your voice back.
Yeah.
Like Aunt Lou when she got hit by the trolley.
What hit you? The show.
- Stephanie sang all by herself.
- Oh, gee.
And she won first prize, look.
Hey, how's about Stephie doing a number for us? - No, no, no.
- ALL: Yeah.
Go on.
Edith, Edith.
Hey, Edith, some of the customers might desire otherwise, you know? - No, no, let her sing.
- Why don't you shut up? 'Cause I'm a 40/60 partner.
Oh, yeah? Well, when they flop over there, you take over 40% of my "uwiliaration.
" ["SISTER KATE" PLAYING.]
I wish that I could shimmy like my sister Kate Shimmies like jelly on a plate My mama wanted to know last night Why all the boys treat sister Kate so right Every boy in our neighborhood Knows that she can shimmy and it's understood I know I'm late, but I'll be up-to-date When I can shimmy like my sister Kate [PIANO CONTINUES.]
I wish that I could shimmy like my sister Kate She shimmies like jelly on a plate My mama wanted to know last night Why all the boys treat Katie so right At the corner she goes Boom shaka laka laka, Boom shaka laka laka Very hot All the boys in our neighborhood Know she shakes it Whoo And it's good I know I'm late, but I'll be up-to-date When I can shim-sham-shimmy Like my sister Kate [APPLAUSE.]
[NO AUDIO.]
- Ohh - Hey-- Could I have a little privacy here? I'll give you 60%.
Thanks a lot.
Um Is that what you done at your school? Is that the way you done it over there, with this "shake a lack" and all of that? Did they clap for you there like they done here? Well you was pretty good.
And I gotta tell you something.
I'm very sorry that I didn't go to the school to see you.
[KISS.]
[.]
All in the Family was played to a studio audience for live responses.

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