Almost Royal (2014) s01e02 Episode Script

I-I think the first thing I want to make clear, uh, is that it was an accident.
Uh, basically what happened is, is that our father, Sir George Carlton, uh, shot himself.
Yeah, in the face.
Yeah, uh, it was an accident, uh, he-he was out shooting on our estate on Caunty Manor and his bullet ricocheted off a health and safety sign about gun safety that the council had made him put up.
It really was a terrible waste.
Of a life.
And a sign.
Yeah, really, really sad.
Uh, so that's why we've come to America, to move on and to mingle with the natives.
It's going to be a little bit like Downton Abbey.
-(CHUCKLES) -Yeah, yeah, exactly.
That's true.
It's going to be a bit like Downton Abbey.
-We're a bit like we're from Downton Abbey.
-Yeah.
-Except we're not snobs.
-No.
No, we're very down to earth.
NARRATOR: This is Georgie and Poppy Carlton.
POPPY: Everybody's taking pictures of us.
Georgie carlton.
Lovely to meet you.
They are aristocratic siblings, 83rd and 84th in line to the English throne.
GEORGIE: The British are coming and they're looking for a man called Derek.
How do you do? Have you traveled far? It was their father's dying wish that his children make a royal tour of the United States of America GEORGIE: Very exciting, Father.
a country he loved GEORGIE: Die, you American scum! in order to expand their horizons Are you familiar with hard work? -GEORGIE: Yes, I'm familiar with the concept.
-No.
interact with real Americans What made you want to become a cowboy, Jay? -Was it Toy Story 2 or 3? -(HORSE NEIGHING) learn about their culture (CHEERING) and give something back.
I hope I don't do a grande shitay in these tights.
That did not go down well.
to the land of the free and the home of the brave.
Very exciting, about to go into battle.
-Oh, God! -(TIRES SCREECHING) One, two, three GEORGIE: God save the Queen.
Thank you so much for having us.
The Carltons are in Boston, Massachusetts, the birthplace of the American Revolution.
Boston is known as the most historical city in the United States.
So, Poppy and Georgie have come to meet Professor Bob Allison, author and expert in revolutionary history, to find out more about the American patriot and activist, Paul Revere.
BOB: Revere got news that the British Army in Boston was going to march west to the town of Concord to seize the weapons and ammunition that the Colonists were stockpiling there.
GEORGIE: Marvelous.
POPPY: That makes sense.
Yeah.
BOB: Revere rode on his horse then, bringing this message to the patriots.
He would not have said, "The British are coming," because revere was also British.
So, if he was British, why was he telling Why was he sneak He was being quite sneaky and telling on us.
-Like a snitch.
-A little bit of a snitch.
He was not a snitch.
He was a very alert member of the community.
-But he was telling on his friends.
-He was.
And that doesn't go down very well in Britain, I have to say.
I once told on my friend at boarding school.
-Really? -He had mucky magazines in his dorm room.
And no one would talk to me.
I was blackballed.
Yeah, if you're a dirty snitch you will get punished in England.
Well, in this case, the government here was taking away what the Colonists considered to be their rights as Englishmen.
We thought we should be able to make our own rules.
I try to make my own rules all the time, though, and that It never works.
If I made my own rules, I'd just eat sort of cereal all day.
Georgie really likes Sugar Puffs.
-BOB: Really? -Sugar Puffs.
BOB: Well, Sugar Puffs are quite good.
You can't eat them all day, they make your wee smell funny.
No, that's certainly one of the many drawbacks to eating too many Sugar Puffs.
The statue was put here in the 1930s as Americans love Paul Revere.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow in 1860 wrote a poem that became famous here.
"Listen, my children, and you shall hear "of the midnight ride of Paul Revere, "was the 18th of April in '75" -Oh, is that the poem? -That's the poem, and it concludes with -Our father did a v Uh, poem, um.
-Really? At dinner, about a lady from Nantucket.
-Uh -When we were at school you were allowed If you were writing poems, you were allowed to do them rhyming when you're young.
-Yeah.
-But when you get older and cleverer, you don't rhyme, 'cause it's easy.
But how do you tell the difference between poetry and prose if it doesn't rhyme? On the front of the book it will always tell you what it is.
Yeah.
Now, with What happened immediately after this? 'cause I know from experience that if my horse has that front leg up, -it's about to go to the toilet.
-Yes.
Well, I don't know.
The sculptor didn't capture that particular part of it.
How long was Paul Revere sat on the horse, Bob? -Well, he left at around 10:00 p.
m -Yes.
and it was probably around 2:00 a.
m.
when he got out to concord.
I'm sure they don't talk about this, but if I'm on a horse for any length of time, -I get quite a lot of chafing down there.
-I would imagine, yes.
He would have looked like a red cauliflower by 2:00 a.
m.
BOB: So, what have you learned? Lots, but I've forgotten a little bit as well.
-That happens, yes.
-Yeah.
I didn't know there was going to be a test.
I feel like I've learned more about the horse.
-That's good, that's good.
-Yeah.
-Well, it's been a pleasure meeting you, Poppy.
-Thank you so much.
-Enjoy the rest of your visit to our country.
-Thank you.
-Thank you very much, Bob.
Lovely to meet you.
-Very nice to meet you.
-The British are leaving.
-(POPPY LAUGHS) The British are leaving.
GEORGIE: What a lot of information is in that Bob chappy's head! He's like a school covered in skin.
A book with hair.
NARRATOR: Continuing their historical journey, the Carltons are visiting a local branch of the Tea Party Organization to meet Catherine White -Hello! -Lovely to meet you.
an expert in the U.
S.
constitution.
-Come this way.
-POPPY: Thank you.
-All right! -GEORGIE: Marvelous.
Georgie is also a guest speaker.
-GEORGIE: Hello, everyone.
-MAN: How do you do? Hi, Georgie carlton, lovely to meet you.
Oh, we're standing up, standing up.
(PEOPLE SAYING THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE) (MOUTHING) First up we have Catherine White.
Catherine, you have the microphone, thank you.
CATHERINE: All right.
Hello! I am so happy to be back home in Worcester tonight.
So, let's start with words that when they were first written were both treason and heresy.
"We hold these truths to be self evident, "that all men are created equal.
" So, why was this treason? Well, only the king had rights, and he granted privileges to his inferiors.
The only purpose of our constitutional government is to protect our individual rights.
If all rights are property rights, then the only purpose of the constitution is to protect.
(APPLAUSE) Thank you, Catherine.
Does anybody have any questions? Do you like, um, Barack Obama? He espouses and actively pursues an agenda that is seriously treasonous.
He swore on the Bible to preserve, protect and defend the constitution of the United States from all enemies foreign and domestic.
(CHEERING) So, that's a "no.
" MAN: You have let the Communist control the congressional delegation.
They're all communists.
The next speaker is george carlton, uh, from the United Kingdom, here with Poppy.
Please give him a welcome.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'd like to talk to you all tonight about some key issues that affect people, Not only in the UK but worldwide, too.
On the 18th February, 2005, hunting was banned in the UK, the United Kingdom, aka England.
Cricket often acts as a metaphor for many things in the UK, hunting, for example.
The Caunty Cup exhibition match was played in the summer of 2003.
We had our starting eleven who were, Duffy Scruton, my best friend, Hugo Frogsworth, Sniffy Minting, Archie Froggart, Percy Thomas, Pork Roberts, Hugh Donnington-Smyth, Ken Wang, Herewood Cooper-Jones, Georgie carlton, that's me, hello, and Wally Thomas.
was cucumber sandwiches, scones with fluffy cream and jams, or jellies, as you might call them.
We also had fondant fancies, Victoria sponge, and beef.
I had to describe what a particular type of cheese was to a chap at a party, who had heard of other types of cheese but not that particular type of cheese.
It goes without saying that I avoid talking about cheese as much as I can now.
So to summarize, it's not about winning, it's about how long you take, the friends you play with, and the tea you have afterwards.
And that's why hunting and the hunting ban is a lot like cricket.
Thank you.
(ONE PERSON APPLAUDS) well, we sat there for what seemed like about 990 hours, and not one bit of tea was ever produced.
I'm absolutely spitting feathers.
If I threw a tea party, just sat around talking about politics, I'd be laughed out of town.
It was unbelievable.
-What's your favorite bit of the constitution? -(PEOPLE CHATTERING) My favorite bit of the constitution? My favorite bit of Harry Potter, it's quite sad, is when Hedwig dies.
The constitution is not a story.
It is the law of the land.
-So -You don't have There are no highlights? Uh, the preamble.
Establish justice, ensure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and to Is there anything you would like us to say when we get back to the UK about the tea party? Tell them that we still seek to uphold the principles of liberty upon which this country was founded.
-Okay.
-I've forgotten that already.
WOMAN: I hope you're enjoying yourself.
POPPY: Thank you.
Yes, very much.
MAN: Did you learn anything? I know that if you get a lot of people who are that old in a room -It starts to whiff a little.
-Yeah.
Uh, Poppy, I can hear a funny noise coming from the tire.
There's definitely something wrong.
Sorry, we are going to have to stop here.
I've seen people do this.
MAN: Have you ever changed a tire before? I didn't know you could change them.
I would normally just sort of get a new car.
-Excuse me.
-MAN: Yes, sir? GEORGIE: Do you know about tires? MAN: I do, and that one's flat.
You got to change it.
-Do you know how to do that? -Do you know what this is? -What are you doing, Rob? -(ROB CHUCKLES) We've got to get this tire down.
GEORGIE: Do you need a hand? -I'm more of a sort of moral support person.
-(ROB CHUCKLES) POPPY: I'm helping from over here.
GEORGIE: How long does it take to jack-off? -ROB: Jack-up.
-GEORGIE: Jack-up.
ROB: Yeah.
Now, what I want you to do is sort of just spin this.
GEORGIE: Here we go! Oh, my goodness! I've cut my finger.
It's bleeding.
Nanny would just pop it in her mouth.
No pressure.
How many more Georgie wipes have you got? POPPY: So, why did you move here? They hired me up in Boston to come teach down here.
Fell in love with the kids down here.
-That's not allowed in England.
-What, loving the kids? -The teacher to fall in love with the kids.
-Really? It happens but it's illegal.
-Yeah, well, it's not that kind, you know, it's just -Okay.
-They're good kids.
Yeah.
-Okay.
You know? -Yeah, that's illegal here, too.
-Oh, really? -It is, yeah.
-Our father said it's not illegal in Japan.
GEORGIE AND POPPY: Yay! You're so good! -ROB: Can you do it? -GEORGIE: Yeah.
Three, two, one.
Okay! -GEORGIE: Right, here we go, Poppy.
-Yeah.
Let's get out of here.
Thank you very much.
NARRATOR: Taking a break from history, Poppy and Georgie are participating in an informal baseball match known as a pick-up game, where they will meet local people and learn about the sport.
So, we are here to play a game that they go absolutely made for here in Boston, called baseball.
-It's sort of one of their hobbies.
-Baseball.
It's one of their hobbies amongst starting fights in bars, that sort of thing.
Baseball.
-GEORGIE: Hello! -MAN: Hey! The British are coming, and they're looking for a man called Derek.
Do you need a glove? Do I need Is that a good thing to have? POPPY: Why is everyone only wearing one? Doesn't your other hand get cold? (LAUGHS) -Well -Did you just spit? I did, sorry, I had some tobacco.
-Is that allowed? -It's allowed.
Absolutely.
It's part of the tradition of the game.
In cricket we might have a pipe, but that's only halfway through.
Okay, I mean, this is more social on our side, we'll give each other a hard time.
-What do you mean? -Like, trash-talk, is the best way to put it.
Like, "highballs are for drinking," "thank you for the gumball, Mickey.
" GEORGIE: In cricket maybe after the tea we might say, "That cake your mother prepared wasn't particularly moist.
" MAN: Derek, why don't you bring the guys in and introduce the guys to Hey, boys, bring it in for a minute just to introduce.
-Hello.
-Hello.
DEREK: So, we have J.
P.
, I have Bobby, we call him our T.
Austin, Johnny, Pete, Jonesy, Kyle and Lippy.
That's his nickname.
GEORGIE: Should I have a nickname for today, maybe? -DEREK: Georgie You be the G Man.
-MAN: Whitey.
-POPPY: "Whitey"? -(ALL LAUGH) DEREK: This is his cricket gear! This is his cricket gear though.
GEORGIE: We're all white.
-So, forward like that in one fluid motion.
-All right.
In baseball, you bring your arms up.
-Bring your arms up instead.
-Okay.
So, the pitch is going to come through at this level.
And away.
-Do you say anything when you do it? -No, no.
Our father used to keep this sort of thing in the car just in case anyone came to wash the windscreen.
-Let's give it a crack.
-DEREK: All right.
See, my bat's not long enough to get that.
MAN: You've got to be a little quicker.
POPPY: Georgie, you've got to hit the ball with the bat! GEORGIE: Thank you, Poppy! -POPPY: Yay, Georgie! -MAN: foul ball! -(MEN LAUGHING) -POPPY: Go, Georgie! GEORGIE: Which way do I go? Oh, in cricket youdd run there and then back again.
MAN: You're supposed to run around the (BLEEP) diamond, you mook! -Send him back! -GEORGIE: Howzat! -POPPY: One-nil! -(LAUGHING) -GEORGIE: Should we try some trash talk now? -DEREK: Absolutely! Tell 32 I just ripped your tits.
GEORGIE: Excuse me, 32, I just ripped your tits! (ALL LAUGHING) Take a lead, there you go.
Then Oh.
It's like that scene in Ghost, isn't it? -You got it right there? -Yeah.
All right, now swing, extend your arms, and then go through.
DEREK: Here we go.
GEORGIE: Hit it for six, Poppy! MAN: come on, Coop.
Swing as hard as you can.
POPPY: This time will you throw it at the bat? Swing.
Yay! -GEORGIE: go, Poppy! -Where's my handbag? GEORGIE: Poppy, run! POPPY: I did really well.
This is how, um, people feel after the Olympics, They got I'm still really happy, like I'm flying.
-Well, thanks very much for having us.
-Thanks so much.
Georgie, thanks very much for coming, very nice to meet you.
Poppy, very nice to meet you, Thanks for coming.
-Do we all put our hands in the middle or something? -PLAYERS: Yes! -Let's do it.
-One, two, three.
-GEORGIE: God save the Queen! Thank you so much for having us! -(ALL LAUGH) -Goodbye, thank you.
-POPPY: Thank you.
NARRATOR: Leaving the city behind, the siblings are in Philadelphia to visit a battle re-enactment and see history in action.
Specifically, the siege of Fort Mifflin, a bloody skirmish fought between the British and Americans in 1777.
Ah! Hello! Hello.
Good morning.
-I'm Georgie carlton.
-Georgie.
Dan McMahon.
-Lovely to meet you.
-How do you do? I'm Poppy.
Hello.
Georgie carlton.
Lovely to meet you.
-Are you Scottish? -Yes, yes.
We're the 42nd Highlanders.
What do you wear under the kilt? -My shoes.
-My shoes.
-My hose.
-Oh, my gosh! -We're regimental.
-I didn't want to know that.
It's too early.
My friend, Anthony McDonald is from a Scottish family.
His grandfather is a true Scotsman.
Uh Nothing under the kilt and raging alcoholic.
MAN: Sergeant, gather the men for inspection.
(SCOTTISH COMMANDS) -POPPY: what language is that? -GEORGIE: I don't know.
This is Mr.
McFlay.
-GEORGIE: Hello.
-POPPY: How do you do? -Have you traveled far? -Pardon? -This is McGyver, Sr.
-GEORGIE: Ah! McGyver, Sr.
POPPY: How do you do? Have you traveled far? Private McGregor.
How do you do? Have you traveled far? I really like your fascinator.
I wore that to a wedding a few years ago.
GEORGIE: Plane! Come on, come on.
-Just walk across here.
-Okay.
-All right? -This is how Nanny used to dress me.
-With a nappy? -Yeah, just before university.
-This goes here.
-Ooh! Careful of the penis.
-There he is.
-MAN: How do you feel? I feel absolutely marvelous.
I feel like I'm really into the swing of it now.
I feel Scottish.
There's a gust of wind traveling right up to my mess and nethers.
-POPPY: Georgie, look at me.
-Oh, Poppy! -MAN: Look at that.
-Everyone, look at me.
-GEORGIE: You look lovely! Plane! -(DRUM ROLL) NARRATOR: Keen to get into the spirit of things, Poppy helps Susan with preparations for lunch.
-So, just a quarter each? -Yes, mm-hmm.
-And pop them in that pot? -Yes, all together.
And what wine would you serve with this? -Like a Pinot Noir or something? -Well, we wouldn't We wouldn't Officers would have things like port and sherry, and other than that -Any bubbly? -Hmm? -Nope.
Nope, none of that.
-Bubbly? I might have a bit of cheese.
It's like I've got my own show because I'm doing all the cooking and the camera's on me.
-And there's a smoke, too.
-Yeah.
(SUSAN LAUGHING) And I've got sort of a corset on, and I can imagine Nigella would wear one.
She's always trying to get everything out of it.
I don't know what else to say, 'cause I don't know the cookery terms.
-GEORGIE: Is this your own cannon, Jay? -It's my own cannon, yes.
-You brought it from home? -Yes, I did.
I put it in the doorway between my living room and dining room, pointing at the front door.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, lovely.
-Want to shoot it again? -GEORGIE: Yes.
-Okay -Jay, we're traveling around America, uh, uh, because our father loved history.
And we've got his ashes.
Would it be possible to fire some ashes from a cannon? Uh Yeah, we could do that.
GEORGIE: That would be lovely if we could do that.
GEORGIE: Oh, careful, Poppy.
Sorry.
-He's eager to escape.
-(POPPY COUGHING) You okay, Poppy? -POPPY: I've got some caught.
-Bit of father in the throat.
(COUGHING) Thank you, that should be Enough, Jay, thank you.
Whoa-hoa! Bye bye, Daddy! Very exciting, about to go into battle.
I've got my gun.
GEORGIE: Oh.
Sorry, everyone.
I'll be with you in a minute.
Die, you American scum! GEORGIE: Oh! It didn't make It didn't make a bang, Malcolm.
It didn't make a bang, Malcolm.
-Fire! -Yeah! That's better! Ha-ha! Eat lead, Yankee scum! Die! Say hello to the devil! Whah! Plane! Fire! Hooray! I'm taking the hill! I'm going to take the hill! (GUNFIRE CONTINUES) GEORGIE: Go, Georgie! (GUNFIRE CONTINUES) Yippee-ki-yay, mother (BLEEP)! (MACHINE GUN FIRE) (CLINK) (CLINK) (EXPLOSION) Well, Fort Mifflin went really well for me.
I shot my first ever cookery show.
Yes, and I shot a man in the face, uh, whilst I was wearing a skirt.
Uh, father would have been disappointed and proud all at the same time.
Plane! NARRATOR: Next time on Almost Royal GEORGIE: Hello.
How do you do? Georgie and Poppy Carlton.
Lovely to be here.
Poppy and Georgie are in Los Angeles.
Wait till you see him.
He's so dishy.
-POPPY: How do you do? -Oh, very good.
Do you know of any films coming up that we'd be good in? (THEME MUSIC PLAYING)