American Housewife (2016) s03e05 Episode Script
Trust Me
1 [Spooky music plays.]
[Groans.]
- Whatcha working on? - I need scary ideas for Jennifer Estony's annual haunted-house party.
She shot down everything that I've come up with so far.
Mm.
Okay, how about this.
[Shivers.]
Gives me shivers just thinking about it.
Get someone to dress as the ghost of scholar Thomas Malthus.
Then get him to shame the kids for not heeding his warning about the dangers of population growth.
Ooh! [Chuckles.]
Ooh! Honey, I love you, and I know we're gonna be together forever, but moments like this do worry me.
Hey! Can I go to a party at Sierra Johnson's house on Halloween night? - Are her parents going to be there? - Yeah.
- Will there be any drinking? - No.
[Suspenseful music plays.]
What's your name? Taylor.
Just establishing a baseline for my mommy lie detector.
Fine by me.
Just be home by curfew.
Yay! Awesome! Thanks, Dad.
Look at you, making decisions without consulting me just like that.
You said with you going back to work, you wanted me to take a more active role with the kids, so I read the situation, and I made the call.
- Mm.
- I gotta say, feels good.
Do I look taller? I feel taller.
[Door opens.]
VIV: [Out of breath.]
Oh, God.
Hey, from now on, could you guys just tell me where you hide your key? I had to dig through the flower bed, and my back is killing me.
Why didn't you just ring the doorbell? Because it hurts my feelings when I look through the window and see you hiding behind the sofa.
This is the fourth time you've come over today.
- What do you need now, Viv? - I need another pregnancy check-in.
I'm mostly nipple now.
Is that normal? O-kay.
I'll be in my study.
Mm.
It's totally normal.
It's just your body preparing to be a mommy.
Well, tell it to stop! It's screwing up stuff that I spent a lot of time and money perfecting.
Is that it, Viv? Because I'm kinda busy.
Actually, no, I've got three weeks until my scheduled C-section.
I am feeling super lonely.
Where is your baby daddy, the Pig Whisperer? He promised he'd come back to town, but he's been so unreliable since he left me.
So, the Pig Whisperer is definitely not coming back? Ugh, swine! [Laughs.]
Have you made preparations for the baby's arrival? No, I haven't set up the nursery or even bought anything yet 'cause I don't really know what to expect.
[Sighs.]
I gave you a book called "What to Expect When You're Expecting.
" I'm not a good reading learner! I'm more of a girl-talk learner.
- [Sighs.]
- So I was hoping we could do - a baby cram session together.
- Mnh-mnh.
Viv, I've got a full plate right now trying to plan this haunted-house party.
Please! I just need the basics.
Like, after the baby comes out, then what? - Fine.
- Oh! I'll see what old baby items I have in the basement - and give you a crash course.
- Yay! [Gasps.]
Ooh! Should we get some champagne and make this fun? You can't drink, Viv.
I know! I'm so excited for you, me, and Gina to go to the Estony haunted-house party.
So, you're not worried about the whole third-wheel thing? No.
Dude, Gina will never be a third wheel with us.
GINA: Oh, hey.
ADRIANA: Hey, hi.
How's you're day going? Whoa! Who is that? Hey, guys, meet my cousin Adriana.
So, these are the Westport boys? - This is my boyfriend, Oliver.
- Hi.
So, this one's for me, huh? [High-pitch voice.]
What? I mean, I guess.
I mean [Normal voice.]
Hola, chica.
So, I told Adriana about the Halloween party tomorrow, - and she wants to tag along.
- ADRIANA: Yeah.
We'll find a closet and play "seven minutes in heaven.
" [High-pitch voice.]
Okay.
We'll see you guys there.
Seven minutes? That's a long time.
[Normal voice.]
We'll be fine.
We We just need to be prepared.
Is there a beginner's closet, maybe three minutes? This is an electric rocker thingy.
You'll need it so you don't have to hold the baby when you sit down and cry into both hands.
- [Groans.]
- Remember, if anything goes wrong, if they get a rash, gas, or a clogged tear duct, use breast milk.
It clears everything up.
- Breast milk? - Mm-hmm.
- Got it.
- Yeah.
Where do I get that? - From your breasts! - [Gasps.]
Oh, no! I just got them how I want them.
[Scoffs.]
You know, um you're already set up for children over here.
Mnh-mnh-mnh.
I am not raising your baby, Viv.
Fine.
Not it! You can't "not it" a baby, Viv.
Also, you didn't put your finger on your nose when you said "not it.
" - Not it! - Not it! Oh! Ugh.
Coming up with an idea for this haunted-house party is stressing me out.
Oh, my God.
Do you know who has a lot of scary stories? - Mm? - Angela's waxer.
ANGELA: Ah.
You know who else has a lot of scary stories? Doris' kids.
You're damn right they do.
Wonder what they're doing at Sierra Johnson's party.
Maybe I can steal an idea from them.
The Johnsons are having a party? Yeah, Taylor's going.
I'm surprised to hear that since her parents are in Antigua.
Taylor told me her parents would be there.
Liar! I knew it.
Okay, before you explode, I could be wrong.
Yeah, not wrong.
They just posted a pic of themselves on the beach.
I can't believe she lied to me! My kids don't lie to me.
I lie to them.
Why'd you let her go in the first place, dumb-dumb? She's way too hot to be trusted.
I was just starting my interrogation when Greg jumped in and gave her permission.
And you just let him? You know, I get that.
Ohh.
He has an understated strength that would back off any woman.
Oh, and those lips! Those full, pillowy lips, like an overinflated pool toy.
Oh, it just makes a woman want to, like, - take off her p - Doris.
How many times have I told you not to fantasize about Greg while I'm eating? Well, maybe ask Greg to be less desirable! You ever think of that?! Have you decided what kind of zombie you want to be this year? It's gonna be hard to top when you went as Zombie Tony the Tiger.
Theeeeey're brains! This year, nothing's speaking to me.
Maybe I just won't dress up and go trick-or-treating.
Maybe I've grown out of it.
Are you sure? You're giving up free candy? Please.
Between candy at school and candy from the weird guy in the van - Anna-Kat?! - You're so gullible.
How many times have I told you I don't think van jokes are funny? Where's Taylor? She's still at school, practicing for the play.
Well, she's quite the actress.
Sierra Johnson's parents are in Antigua, Greg.
Taylor lied to our faces so that she could go to the party, get drunk, and mess around with Trip.
We don't know that.
Maybe she just wants to hang out with her friends, and she had to lie about there being parental supervision so that we would let her go.
Are you defending her lie? If she had told the truth, - what would you have said? - No! You put her in a position where she was forced to lie, just like when you asked me how I felt when you bejeweled your fingernails.
- You said I looked classy.
- Of course I did.
You had two-inch claws on both hands.
Well, we are not letting Taylor go to that party.
I think we should let her go and see what happens.
Where is this all coming from? In two years, she's going to a third-rate college that Oliver will mock her for.
My classes are full of freshmen that have their first taste of freedom and go crazy.
It's time to let her off the leash.
She is going to do exactly what Luthor does when you let him off the leash.
Chase a plastic bag she thinks is a squirrel into the street and cause a three-car accident? Yes, but the human-stupid version of that.
We've always taught her to do the right thing.
This is an opportunity to trust her and see if we succeeded as parents.
Fine.
So, if Taylor comes home drunk or makes any bad decisions, then it's all on you.
You comfortable with that? - I am.
- Okay.
So, if you're wrong, that pretty much torpedoes your credibility to make any future decisions.
Not going to be a problem because Taylor's not gonna let me down, and then I'm gonna make more decisions.
- Big decisions.
- Mm.
Thin crust, thick crust, whatever I say.
Well, look at you.
Your lips really do look like pool toys.
What? How's the party you're planning going? The kids at Jennifer Estony's - are definitely going to lose it.
- Mm.
I've rented a life-size alien.
It's going to be all spooky and slimy.
Ooh! You should do an autopsy and put dry ice in the body cavities so when you cut it open, the guts smoke.
I don't know whether I did something terribly wrong with you or terribly right.
Katie! I need you! I gotta take this.
Katie, that's just your hand.
VIV: Okay, look.
I know the answer to this, but I'm just gonna ask it anyway.
Is my motion-controlled fire pit going to be a problem with the baby? Yes.
Oh, God! I can't do this! - [Doorbell rings.]
- I can't do this.
[Breathing heavily.]
Oh, God.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you.
Why is Cooper getting mail here? OLIVER: It came! [Both laugh.]
It's just not how I saw my life ending up.
Knocked up, broke, and dumped by a guy who talks to pigs for a living.
You were so put together when I met you.
I've really watched you fall apart over the years, Viv.
Right? Katie, I have the most amazing idea.
I know you said you wouldn't - take the baby - Mm-hmm.
but what if we just raise - the baby together? - Mnh-mnh.
Absolutely not! Viv, you cannot rely on me for anything with this baby.
I already have three kids and a job, and I'm going on my fourth year - trying to finish "Gone Girl.
" - Okay.
Fine.
Okay, last question.
Do I have to put a gate around my koi pond? But they were my babies first! [Door opens.]
- [Groans.]
- [Door closes.]
[Both laugh.]
- OLIVER: Dude, stop moving.
- COOPER: Oh, you're tickling me.
KATIE: Okay, this is the moment.
I owe Doris 20 bucks.
Greg! All yours, honey.
GREG: Hey, guys.
Whatcha doing? Well, Dad, the thing is We might touch boobs tonight.
Oh.
We're going to a party where we're gonna play "seven minutes in heaven," so we needed to practice taking off bras.
Are you sure the girls are ready for this? Because you must always have their consent.
Trust me.
They're on board.
They were the ones who suggested it.
I was just expecting an evening with a few scares and some light hand-holding.
Anything else you guys want to discuss? Dad, we already know everything we need to know.
If that's true, why are you wearing a nursing bra? Oh, that's what these are for? I perfected this for nothing.
[Clicks tongue.]
I'm ready for the party.
KATIE: [Inhales deeply.]
Looks like she's dressed for some good decisions.
Oh, my ride to the party is here.
Taylor, remember, no drinking, and if kids are making bad choices at the party, you have to leave immediately.
[Chuckles.]
Right.
- No, say it the real way.
- [Seriously.]
Right.
Greg, you have nothing to worry about.
There couldn't possibly be any of that going on with Sierra's parents supervising.
So much supervising.
Remember curfew is midnight.
[Chuckles.]
Right.
Wrong right again! I'm off, too, but I will be back - to greet Taylor when she gets home - [Door closes.]
when she staggers in all, "I wasn't drinking.
Other people were.
That's why I smell like booze.
" I'm going to be right, you're going to be wrong, and Taylor's leash goes back on.
I might even get her a shock collar.
[Knock on door.]
ALL: Trick or treat! Well, look at all these adorable costumes.
Wonder Woman, Mr.
Policeman, Zombie Annie.
Oh, I remember those days.
The brains will come out tomorrow.
- [Laughter.]
- Nice.
But I would've gone with "It's a hard-knock afterlife.
" [Keyboard clacking, door closes.]
Daddy.
What is it, sweetie? I can't believe I missed out on dressing up and trickor-treating this year.
How could you let me do this? I was supporting your decision.
I'm just a child.
But I'm letting you off the leash a little bit.
What nonsense is that? You're supposed to protect me from myself.
You're supposed to know better than me, Greg.
You're right.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I shouldn't be trusting Taylor to make her own decisions either! Tell you what I'll take you trick-or-treating right now.
But I don't have a costume.
We'll figure something out in the car.
Come on! [Indistinct conversations, music playing.]
This is humiliating.
Listen, it was between cup holder and map, - and you chose map.
- Cup holder was just me holding your NPR travel mug.
Why did we come to this house? 'Cause your mother might be right about something, and it would be very, very bad for me, and I'll wind up renting a bachelor pad somewhere around here.
[Spooky music plays.]
[Kid screams.]
[Sighs.]
I don't know whether I should go in or not.
You don't go in.
You just go up to the door.
I know you've done this before.
She told us the parents were going to be home.
Well, they are definitely still in Antigua.
I want to trust her, but who knows what's going on in there? If I screw this up, I'm never gonna get to try the pizza crust with the cheese inside.
I just want to see a movie without Judi Dench in it.
That's all I want.
TEENAGE GIRL: I wasn't doing anything! I can't believe you'd embarrass me like that! MOM: We'll talk about it in the car.
[Groans.]
You ruined my life! I hate you! You know what? I'm gonna roll the dice and trust her.
- Yeah.
- Me, too.
[Sinisterly.]
Some people think that there is no life on other planets.
But tonight, you are going to learn the truth! [Machine plays thunder crashing.]
Let's cut open his stomach and see what he feeds on! [Thunder crashing.]
Aah! Intestines! [Woman screaming.]
Aah! - [Splat.]
- Whoa! - [Thunder crashing.]
- A giant alien eye! That's a dog chew toy.
[Normal voice.]
No, it's not.
It's an alien eye.
My dog has that chew toy.
Well, maybe your dog found an alien eyeball.
He didn't.
That's a chew toy.
How's your dog at finding missing kids? [Toy splats, glass shatters.]
Um Katie? This isn't the big scary thing you promised, is it? No.
This is to just weed out the wimps.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
Can't wait to see what you have planned.
- WOMAN: Hey, Jennifer! - [Chuckles.]
[Inhales sharply.]
- Me, too.
- Hey, neighbor! Viv, what are you doing here? I felt bad about pestering you, so I want to make it up to you by helping.
Seriously? I also don't want to be alone on Halloween.
All the kids ask about is candy.
It's never about me.
Well, the woman I hired to dress up as a witch and serve punch called in sick.
If you want to do that - [Gasps.]
I love it! - To be clear, helping me does not mean I'm raising your child.
[Voice breaking.]
But if you won't love my baby, who will? [Groans.]
Let's go find a closet for "seven minutes in heaven.
" Definitely.
[Indistinct conversations.]
Um, you're kind of hurting my hand.
We're gonna make it eight minutes.
Sounds good to me.
Oh, man.
What if I panic? Just remember what we practiced.
Pretend she's me in your room in a bra.
Dude, you always know what to say.
Uh, I know this isn't the best time, but I have one more baby-related question.
No, they cannot ride shotgun.
Actually, no, I was just wondering [Exhales shakily.]
what do I do when my water breaks? We have to get you to the hospital! I can't move! I can't move.
It's coming! It's coming now! - It's coming now! - Oh, my God! Call 911! [Breathing shallowly.]
Oh, God! Come here, Viv! Move! KATIE: Move! Move! We got an emergency! [Screaming.]
- Come on, Viv.
- Okay.
- Can I? - Get up here.
Aah! Aah! [Screams loudly.]
- Okay, breathe! - I'm here to assist.
Get out of here, you perv! [Screams.]
Worth a shot.
[Screaming.]
COOPER: Can we use any closet? Is there a specific closet? Should I have made a reservation? Hey.
Whoa! [Chuckles.]
[Door creaks.]
You sure you want to do this? So, that's a yes.
[Hurried footsteps.]
Dude! Your mom needs you.
It's an emergency.
And she said to bring towels.
Also, could you put in a word for me to assist? VIV: [Breathing heavily.]
Is it too late for a C-section?! Yes!! I can see the head! Push it back in, and go get a knife! [Screams.]
- Don't look.
- It's too late.
KATIE: Push, Viv.
Breathe, Viv! You're about to meet your baby! I don't want a baby! I want a purse! [Groans, exhales rapidly.]
[Screams.]
One more push, Viv.
[Screams.]
[Baby crying.]
It's a girl.
Oliver, towel.
Towel! This is how I felt when I saw "The Ring" when I was 9.
Too soon.
- [Panting.]
- Oh! Hi.
[Gasps.]
Hi! [Baby coos.]
I always knew that you'd be there for me.
Now look at our baby.
Aww, your baby.
All yours.
- [Baby crying.]
- She's so tiny.
Yeah.
And she's so beautiful.
Isn't she beautiful? Yes, she is.
I think she's not as beautiful as her mama, but I gotta hand it to you.
What do you mean? A witch giving birth to a demon baby? [Laughs.]
Amazing.
It looked so real.
And it's not over yet.
A fake ambulance is gonna pull up and take this fake baby to a fake hospital.
Oh! Yay! [Laughs.]
[Sighs.]
I don't know why they call it the miracle of life.
It is so gross, and so much of this sound.
[Mimics squishing.]
You must be exhausted.
Wh-Why don't you go to bed? Nope.
I'm staying up until Taylor gets home.
She has 20 seconds until I'm right, you're wrong, and she's busted.
- Oh, no, no.
- She's coming home right now.
Ah.
I mean, now! In 3, 2, 1.
- Crap.
I guess you're - [Door opens.]
- Hi.
- She's home.
She's home, and she's on time.
- [Door closes.]
- Yeah, but in what condition? I'm just gonna go to bed.
What did you do at the party? I just hung out with my friends.
- She just hung out.
- Wait.
Wait, before you go, the night is still young.
Let's play a game of "Simon Says.
" - Really? - Mm-hmm.
It'll be fun.
Simon says touch your nose with your index finger.
Simon says walk towards me in a straight line, heel to toe.
[Sighs.]
Simon says say the alphabet backwards.
Um R Okay, forget it.
Go to bed.
Why is it so hard for you to see that your daughter did the right thing? I don't know.
If she would've done something wrong, I could've grounded her and kept an eye on her, and she wouldn't be out there worrying me.
I'm not ready to let Taylor off the leash.
I get that.
But you got to realize we bring them into this world like Viv just did, then life is one long process of letting them go.
Even though I can't wait to get rid of them I want to hold on to them just as much.
Like you with your stupid National Geographics in the basement.
[Door opens.]
Hey, guys.
How was the party? Did everything go as planned? No, Viv's stupid baby ruined the mood.
But that's okay.
Gives us more time to practice.
Let's go perfect the push-up bra.
Okay, but remember no pinching me with the clasp.
And try to warm up your hands.
COOPER: Uh-huh.
- Ah, boys and their bras.
- Story as old as time.
- Aww.
- She really is beautiful.
Yeah.
Hey, would you mind if I used your restroom? Go right ahead.
Okay, I'll be right back.
[Chuckles.]
So cute.
Who brought you into this world? I did.
Who ruined my shoes? - You did.
- [Laughs.]
[Door opens, closes.]
Viv's running away again.
Viv! Come back here! VIV: I just want a shower! [Baby cries loudly.]
- [Sighs.]
- GREG: Katie?
[Groans.]
- Whatcha working on? - I need scary ideas for Jennifer Estony's annual haunted-house party.
She shot down everything that I've come up with so far.
Mm.
Okay, how about this.
[Shivers.]
Gives me shivers just thinking about it.
Get someone to dress as the ghost of scholar Thomas Malthus.
Then get him to shame the kids for not heeding his warning about the dangers of population growth.
Ooh! [Chuckles.]
Ooh! Honey, I love you, and I know we're gonna be together forever, but moments like this do worry me.
Hey! Can I go to a party at Sierra Johnson's house on Halloween night? - Are her parents going to be there? - Yeah.
- Will there be any drinking? - No.
[Suspenseful music plays.]
What's your name? Taylor.
Just establishing a baseline for my mommy lie detector.
Fine by me.
Just be home by curfew.
Yay! Awesome! Thanks, Dad.
Look at you, making decisions without consulting me just like that.
You said with you going back to work, you wanted me to take a more active role with the kids, so I read the situation, and I made the call.
- Mm.
- I gotta say, feels good.
Do I look taller? I feel taller.
[Door opens.]
VIV: [Out of breath.]
Oh, God.
Hey, from now on, could you guys just tell me where you hide your key? I had to dig through the flower bed, and my back is killing me.
Why didn't you just ring the doorbell? Because it hurts my feelings when I look through the window and see you hiding behind the sofa.
This is the fourth time you've come over today.
- What do you need now, Viv? - I need another pregnancy check-in.
I'm mostly nipple now.
Is that normal? O-kay.
I'll be in my study.
Mm.
It's totally normal.
It's just your body preparing to be a mommy.
Well, tell it to stop! It's screwing up stuff that I spent a lot of time and money perfecting.
Is that it, Viv? Because I'm kinda busy.
Actually, no, I've got three weeks until my scheduled C-section.
I am feeling super lonely.
Where is your baby daddy, the Pig Whisperer? He promised he'd come back to town, but he's been so unreliable since he left me.
So, the Pig Whisperer is definitely not coming back? Ugh, swine! [Laughs.]
Have you made preparations for the baby's arrival? No, I haven't set up the nursery or even bought anything yet 'cause I don't really know what to expect.
[Sighs.]
I gave you a book called "What to Expect When You're Expecting.
" I'm not a good reading learner! I'm more of a girl-talk learner.
- [Sighs.]
- So I was hoping we could do - a baby cram session together.
- Mnh-mnh.
Viv, I've got a full plate right now trying to plan this haunted-house party.
Please! I just need the basics.
Like, after the baby comes out, then what? - Fine.
- Oh! I'll see what old baby items I have in the basement - and give you a crash course.
- Yay! [Gasps.]
Ooh! Should we get some champagne and make this fun? You can't drink, Viv.
I know! I'm so excited for you, me, and Gina to go to the Estony haunted-house party.
So, you're not worried about the whole third-wheel thing? No.
Dude, Gina will never be a third wheel with us.
GINA: Oh, hey.
ADRIANA: Hey, hi.
How's you're day going? Whoa! Who is that? Hey, guys, meet my cousin Adriana.
So, these are the Westport boys? - This is my boyfriend, Oliver.
- Hi.
So, this one's for me, huh? [High-pitch voice.]
What? I mean, I guess.
I mean [Normal voice.]
Hola, chica.
So, I told Adriana about the Halloween party tomorrow, - and she wants to tag along.
- ADRIANA: Yeah.
We'll find a closet and play "seven minutes in heaven.
" [High-pitch voice.]
Okay.
We'll see you guys there.
Seven minutes? That's a long time.
[Normal voice.]
We'll be fine.
We We just need to be prepared.
Is there a beginner's closet, maybe three minutes? This is an electric rocker thingy.
You'll need it so you don't have to hold the baby when you sit down and cry into both hands.
- [Groans.]
- Remember, if anything goes wrong, if they get a rash, gas, or a clogged tear duct, use breast milk.
It clears everything up.
- Breast milk? - Mm-hmm.
- Got it.
- Yeah.
Where do I get that? - From your breasts! - [Gasps.]
Oh, no! I just got them how I want them.
[Scoffs.]
You know, um you're already set up for children over here.
Mnh-mnh-mnh.
I am not raising your baby, Viv.
Fine.
Not it! You can't "not it" a baby, Viv.
Also, you didn't put your finger on your nose when you said "not it.
" - Not it! - Not it! Oh! Ugh.
Coming up with an idea for this haunted-house party is stressing me out.
Oh, my God.
Do you know who has a lot of scary stories? - Mm? - Angela's waxer.
ANGELA: Ah.
You know who else has a lot of scary stories? Doris' kids.
You're damn right they do.
Wonder what they're doing at Sierra Johnson's party.
Maybe I can steal an idea from them.
The Johnsons are having a party? Yeah, Taylor's going.
I'm surprised to hear that since her parents are in Antigua.
Taylor told me her parents would be there.
Liar! I knew it.
Okay, before you explode, I could be wrong.
Yeah, not wrong.
They just posted a pic of themselves on the beach.
I can't believe she lied to me! My kids don't lie to me.
I lie to them.
Why'd you let her go in the first place, dumb-dumb? She's way too hot to be trusted.
I was just starting my interrogation when Greg jumped in and gave her permission.
And you just let him? You know, I get that.
Ohh.
He has an understated strength that would back off any woman.
Oh, and those lips! Those full, pillowy lips, like an overinflated pool toy.
Oh, it just makes a woman want to, like, - take off her p - Doris.
How many times have I told you not to fantasize about Greg while I'm eating? Well, maybe ask Greg to be less desirable! You ever think of that?! Have you decided what kind of zombie you want to be this year? It's gonna be hard to top when you went as Zombie Tony the Tiger.
Theeeeey're brains! This year, nothing's speaking to me.
Maybe I just won't dress up and go trick-or-treating.
Maybe I've grown out of it.
Are you sure? You're giving up free candy? Please.
Between candy at school and candy from the weird guy in the van - Anna-Kat?! - You're so gullible.
How many times have I told you I don't think van jokes are funny? Where's Taylor? She's still at school, practicing for the play.
Well, she's quite the actress.
Sierra Johnson's parents are in Antigua, Greg.
Taylor lied to our faces so that she could go to the party, get drunk, and mess around with Trip.
We don't know that.
Maybe she just wants to hang out with her friends, and she had to lie about there being parental supervision so that we would let her go.
Are you defending her lie? If she had told the truth, - what would you have said? - No! You put her in a position where she was forced to lie, just like when you asked me how I felt when you bejeweled your fingernails.
- You said I looked classy.
- Of course I did.
You had two-inch claws on both hands.
Well, we are not letting Taylor go to that party.
I think we should let her go and see what happens.
Where is this all coming from? In two years, she's going to a third-rate college that Oliver will mock her for.
My classes are full of freshmen that have their first taste of freedom and go crazy.
It's time to let her off the leash.
She is going to do exactly what Luthor does when you let him off the leash.
Chase a plastic bag she thinks is a squirrel into the street and cause a three-car accident? Yes, but the human-stupid version of that.
We've always taught her to do the right thing.
This is an opportunity to trust her and see if we succeeded as parents.
Fine.
So, if Taylor comes home drunk or makes any bad decisions, then it's all on you.
You comfortable with that? - I am.
- Okay.
So, if you're wrong, that pretty much torpedoes your credibility to make any future decisions.
Not going to be a problem because Taylor's not gonna let me down, and then I'm gonna make more decisions.
- Big decisions.
- Mm.
Thin crust, thick crust, whatever I say.
Well, look at you.
Your lips really do look like pool toys.
What? How's the party you're planning going? The kids at Jennifer Estony's - are definitely going to lose it.
- Mm.
I've rented a life-size alien.
It's going to be all spooky and slimy.
Ooh! You should do an autopsy and put dry ice in the body cavities so when you cut it open, the guts smoke.
I don't know whether I did something terribly wrong with you or terribly right.
Katie! I need you! I gotta take this.
Katie, that's just your hand.
VIV: Okay, look.
I know the answer to this, but I'm just gonna ask it anyway.
Is my motion-controlled fire pit going to be a problem with the baby? Yes.
Oh, God! I can't do this! - [Doorbell rings.]
- I can't do this.
[Breathing heavily.]
Oh, God.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you.
Why is Cooper getting mail here? OLIVER: It came! [Both laugh.]
It's just not how I saw my life ending up.
Knocked up, broke, and dumped by a guy who talks to pigs for a living.
You were so put together when I met you.
I've really watched you fall apart over the years, Viv.
Right? Katie, I have the most amazing idea.
I know you said you wouldn't - take the baby - Mm-hmm.
but what if we just raise - the baby together? - Mnh-mnh.
Absolutely not! Viv, you cannot rely on me for anything with this baby.
I already have three kids and a job, and I'm going on my fourth year - trying to finish "Gone Girl.
" - Okay.
Fine.
Okay, last question.
Do I have to put a gate around my koi pond? But they were my babies first! [Door opens.]
- [Groans.]
- [Door closes.]
[Both laugh.]
- OLIVER: Dude, stop moving.
- COOPER: Oh, you're tickling me.
KATIE: Okay, this is the moment.
I owe Doris 20 bucks.
Greg! All yours, honey.
GREG: Hey, guys.
Whatcha doing? Well, Dad, the thing is We might touch boobs tonight.
Oh.
We're going to a party where we're gonna play "seven minutes in heaven," so we needed to practice taking off bras.
Are you sure the girls are ready for this? Because you must always have their consent.
Trust me.
They're on board.
They were the ones who suggested it.
I was just expecting an evening with a few scares and some light hand-holding.
Anything else you guys want to discuss? Dad, we already know everything we need to know.
If that's true, why are you wearing a nursing bra? Oh, that's what these are for? I perfected this for nothing.
[Clicks tongue.]
I'm ready for the party.
KATIE: [Inhales deeply.]
Looks like she's dressed for some good decisions.
Oh, my ride to the party is here.
Taylor, remember, no drinking, and if kids are making bad choices at the party, you have to leave immediately.
[Chuckles.]
Right.
- No, say it the real way.
- [Seriously.]
Right.
Greg, you have nothing to worry about.
There couldn't possibly be any of that going on with Sierra's parents supervising.
So much supervising.
Remember curfew is midnight.
[Chuckles.]
Right.
Wrong right again! I'm off, too, but I will be back - to greet Taylor when she gets home - [Door closes.]
when she staggers in all, "I wasn't drinking.
Other people were.
That's why I smell like booze.
" I'm going to be right, you're going to be wrong, and Taylor's leash goes back on.
I might even get her a shock collar.
[Knock on door.]
ALL: Trick or treat! Well, look at all these adorable costumes.
Wonder Woman, Mr.
Policeman, Zombie Annie.
Oh, I remember those days.
The brains will come out tomorrow.
- [Laughter.]
- Nice.
But I would've gone with "It's a hard-knock afterlife.
" [Keyboard clacking, door closes.]
Daddy.
What is it, sweetie? I can't believe I missed out on dressing up and trickor-treating this year.
How could you let me do this? I was supporting your decision.
I'm just a child.
But I'm letting you off the leash a little bit.
What nonsense is that? You're supposed to protect me from myself.
You're supposed to know better than me, Greg.
You're right.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I shouldn't be trusting Taylor to make her own decisions either! Tell you what I'll take you trick-or-treating right now.
But I don't have a costume.
We'll figure something out in the car.
Come on! [Indistinct conversations, music playing.]
This is humiliating.
Listen, it was between cup holder and map, - and you chose map.
- Cup holder was just me holding your NPR travel mug.
Why did we come to this house? 'Cause your mother might be right about something, and it would be very, very bad for me, and I'll wind up renting a bachelor pad somewhere around here.
[Spooky music plays.]
[Kid screams.]
[Sighs.]
I don't know whether I should go in or not.
You don't go in.
You just go up to the door.
I know you've done this before.
She told us the parents were going to be home.
Well, they are definitely still in Antigua.
I want to trust her, but who knows what's going on in there? If I screw this up, I'm never gonna get to try the pizza crust with the cheese inside.
I just want to see a movie without Judi Dench in it.
That's all I want.
TEENAGE GIRL: I wasn't doing anything! I can't believe you'd embarrass me like that! MOM: We'll talk about it in the car.
[Groans.]
You ruined my life! I hate you! You know what? I'm gonna roll the dice and trust her.
- Yeah.
- Me, too.
[Sinisterly.]
Some people think that there is no life on other planets.
But tonight, you are going to learn the truth! [Machine plays thunder crashing.]
Let's cut open his stomach and see what he feeds on! [Thunder crashing.]
Aah! Intestines! [Woman screaming.]
Aah! - [Splat.]
- Whoa! - [Thunder crashing.]
- A giant alien eye! That's a dog chew toy.
[Normal voice.]
No, it's not.
It's an alien eye.
My dog has that chew toy.
Well, maybe your dog found an alien eyeball.
He didn't.
That's a chew toy.
How's your dog at finding missing kids? [Toy splats, glass shatters.]
Um Katie? This isn't the big scary thing you promised, is it? No.
This is to just weed out the wimps.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
Can't wait to see what you have planned.
- WOMAN: Hey, Jennifer! - [Chuckles.]
[Inhales sharply.]
- Me, too.
- Hey, neighbor! Viv, what are you doing here? I felt bad about pestering you, so I want to make it up to you by helping.
Seriously? I also don't want to be alone on Halloween.
All the kids ask about is candy.
It's never about me.
Well, the woman I hired to dress up as a witch and serve punch called in sick.
If you want to do that - [Gasps.]
I love it! - To be clear, helping me does not mean I'm raising your child.
[Voice breaking.]
But if you won't love my baby, who will? [Groans.]
Let's go find a closet for "seven minutes in heaven.
" Definitely.
[Indistinct conversations.]
Um, you're kind of hurting my hand.
We're gonna make it eight minutes.
Sounds good to me.
Oh, man.
What if I panic? Just remember what we practiced.
Pretend she's me in your room in a bra.
Dude, you always know what to say.
Uh, I know this isn't the best time, but I have one more baby-related question.
No, they cannot ride shotgun.
Actually, no, I was just wondering [Exhales shakily.]
what do I do when my water breaks? We have to get you to the hospital! I can't move! I can't move.
It's coming! It's coming now! - It's coming now! - Oh, my God! Call 911! [Breathing shallowly.]
Oh, God! Come here, Viv! Move! KATIE: Move! Move! We got an emergency! [Screaming.]
- Come on, Viv.
- Okay.
- Can I? - Get up here.
Aah! Aah! [Screams loudly.]
- Okay, breathe! - I'm here to assist.
Get out of here, you perv! [Screams.]
Worth a shot.
[Screaming.]
COOPER: Can we use any closet? Is there a specific closet? Should I have made a reservation? Hey.
Whoa! [Chuckles.]
[Door creaks.]
You sure you want to do this? So, that's a yes.
[Hurried footsteps.]
Dude! Your mom needs you.
It's an emergency.
And she said to bring towels.
Also, could you put in a word for me to assist? VIV: [Breathing heavily.]
Is it too late for a C-section?! Yes!! I can see the head! Push it back in, and go get a knife! [Screams.]
- Don't look.
- It's too late.
KATIE: Push, Viv.
Breathe, Viv! You're about to meet your baby! I don't want a baby! I want a purse! [Groans, exhales rapidly.]
[Screams.]
One more push, Viv.
[Screams.]
[Baby crying.]
It's a girl.
Oliver, towel.
Towel! This is how I felt when I saw "The Ring" when I was 9.
Too soon.
- [Panting.]
- Oh! Hi.
[Gasps.]
Hi! [Baby coos.]
I always knew that you'd be there for me.
Now look at our baby.
Aww, your baby.
All yours.
- [Baby crying.]
- She's so tiny.
Yeah.
And she's so beautiful.
Isn't she beautiful? Yes, she is.
I think she's not as beautiful as her mama, but I gotta hand it to you.
What do you mean? A witch giving birth to a demon baby? [Laughs.]
Amazing.
It looked so real.
And it's not over yet.
A fake ambulance is gonna pull up and take this fake baby to a fake hospital.
Oh! Yay! [Laughs.]
[Sighs.]
I don't know why they call it the miracle of life.
It is so gross, and so much of this sound.
[Mimics squishing.]
You must be exhausted.
Wh-Why don't you go to bed? Nope.
I'm staying up until Taylor gets home.
She has 20 seconds until I'm right, you're wrong, and she's busted.
- Oh, no, no.
- She's coming home right now.
Ah.
I mean, now! In 3, 2, 1.
- Crap.
I guess you're - [Door opens.]
- Hi.
- She's home.
She's home, and she's on time.
- [Door closes.]
- Yeah, but in what condition? I'm just gonna go to bed.
What did you do at the party? I just hung out with my friends.
- She just hung out.
- Wait.
Wait, before you go, the night is still young.
Let's play a game of "Simon Says.
" - Really? - Mm-hmm.
It'll be fun.
Simon says touch your nose with your index finger.
Simon says walk towards me in a straight line, heel to toe.
[Sighs.]
Simon says say the alphabet backwards.
Um R Okay, forget it.
Go to bed.
Why is it so hard for you to see that your daughter did the right thing? I don't know.
If she would've done something wrong, I could've grounded her and kept an eye on her, and she wouldn't be out there worrying me.
I'm not ready to let Taylor off the leash.
I get that.
But you got to realize we bring them into this world like Viv just did, then life is one long process of letting them go.
Even though I can't wait to get rid of them I want to hold on to them just as much.
Like you with your stupid National Geographics in the basement.
[Door opens.]
Hey, guys.
How was the party? Did everything go as planned? No, Viv's stupid baby ruined the mood.
But that's okay.
Gives us more time to practice.
Let's go perfect the push-up bra.
Okay, but remember no pinching me with the clasp.
And try to warm up your hands.
COOPER: Uh-huh.
- Ah, boys and their bras.
- Story as old as time.
- Aww.
- She really is beautiful.
Yeah.
Hey, would you mind if I used your restroom? Go right ahead.
Okay, I'll be right back.
[Chuckles.]
So cute.
Who brought you into this world? I did.
Who ruined my shoes? - You did.
- [Laughs.]
[Door opens, closes.]
Viv's running away again.
Viv! Come back here! VIV: I just want a shower! [Baby cries loudly.]
- [Sighs.]
- GREG: Katie?