Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002) s02e04 Episode Script
Holy Sheep
ANDY: Byron and I were working on our latest project.
It was a manual for the new Pickering non-valve-based high-pressure management system.
Basically, it's a hose but don't tell the Navy.
Guys, there may be a problem with the manual.
The Navy found our high-pressure management system at a garden-supply store in hundred-foot rolls.
Well, it's almost quitting time anyway.
I'm gonna take off early and go This was the fourth day in a row that Byron was leaving early, and he always has some lame excuse.
I have to get going.
I have to go pickle something.
I have to go swim? Swim.
What was it going to be today? Shoot some hoops with the brothers.
Byron, what are hoops? Uh hoo Okay, I don't want to tell you where I'm really going because you're going to be judgmental and by "you," I mean Andy.
Come on! Okay, I promise I won't be judgmental.
Where are you going? I bet it's somewhere stupid.
I'm going to church.
That was disappointing.
I'm a member of the Church of Zumanism.
I'm a Zumanist, and I'm preparing for my sacred rite of passage.
Okay, here we go.
What's Zumanism? It's a religion that believes man and the universe are connected in harmony.
It's a way of life that promotes kindness.
Yeah, yeah, it's called Zumanism.
Get to the weird stuff.
And we're big on taking care of the environment because we believe the way you treat the earth reflects the way you treat your fellow man.
Wait for it wait for it And our god is a beautiful, radiant sheep that lives in the sky.
Wa-hoo! There it is.
( blubbering ) All right, guys, just get it out.
( laughing ) I'm sorry, man.
That sounds like a beautiful thing.
So this sheep in the sky, tell us about it.
Big? Small? Each one of its hairs is the diameter of the Houston Astrodome.
Oh, that's a big sheep.
Let's just never talk about this again.
KEITH: Listen, I'm sorry.
It's just a lot to take in.
Yeah, I mean, maybe we can come to a service sometime, or something.
You know, learn more about it.
Really? You'd do that? Well, yeah.
I mean, this is a whole side of you I don't know anything about.
Besides, who wants a five-trillion-ton sheep mad at him? * You never know just what's around the bend * * Where to go and where you've been * * Just see the world through my eyes * * I think you'd be surprised.
* Hey! Happy birthday! Your gift from me is being delivered from far away, by steam Don't worry, it's not my birthday.
Oh.
I set Sheri up with this fantastic friend of mine, Steve, and it's going really well.
Steve? Do I know Steve? How come I didn't get a crack at fantastic Steve? Because he's smart and cultured but not exactly a ten in the looks department.
and I know how important that is to you.
That's not important to me.
I'm not superficial like that.
Uh-huh.
I'm not.
Look, I'm not desperate to date or anything but if you're just handing out fantastic guys, I want one.
Well, there is this guy Nick in my singing class.
He seems like a real sweetie and he sings like an angel.
Sounds good.
I'd love to meet him.
Okay, I'll set it up.
Great! You want to know what he looks like, don't you? No.
Why? Do you want to tell me? Maybe I'll just set him up with Debbie in No, Nick is mine.
Mine, mine, mine.
Keith and I went to Byron's church.
I hadn't been to church for a while.
God and I had a falling out.
I said the Cubs should win a World Series sometime.
He said they sucked and they would always suck.
You know a lot of people think they've seen big sheep, but let me tell you about a sheep I know.
( dance music playing ) * Let's do the boogaloo * * Aah, put on your dancing shoes * * Come on, girl, let's do the boogaloo * * Aah, you're looking good * * Whoo, whoo! * Jump, shout, and work it on out * * Have mercy, baby ( doorbell rings ) * My, my * Work it! * Do it one time for Wood (music stops) ( gasps ) Hi.
What is that? It's yogurt made from the milk of their god.
It's not bad.
BYRON: Hey, Andy.
Oh, man, what are we going to tell Byron? Hey, guys, what do you think? Your religion makes the best yogurt.
Doesn't it? Hey, Byron.
I just wanted to make sure we were still on for tonight.
Yup 8:00, my place.
I'm looking forward to it.
Me, too.
That's Tracy, the minister's daughter.
She's super-nice.
Now I see why you joined this religion.
It's the same reason I campaigned for Dukakis.
Andy, you are so cynical.
I believe in Zumanism.
Tracy is just coming over to help me study for my Zuminion.
That's the rite of passage where I will officially become a man.
Maybe you can become a man with Tracy or at least become a very sweaty boy.
I'm so into her, but unfortunately it is against my religion to have sex for three months before my Zuminion.
Well, can't you get credit for the other 29 sexless years of your life? Ha, ha, ha.
No, I asked.
"for Zumya declared there shall be no more suffering.
"No more starvation.
"I shall set aside this fertile valley with "this fertile valley with "this fertile valley with succulent ( voice cracking ): peaches and melons for all to enjoy.
" Andy, I've got a problem.
Wendy set me up with someone who's nice and smart and interesting but well, visually disturbing.
So don't see him again.
But I don't want to be shallow.
I should be able to appreciate someone for their inner beauty.
Well, then get ready to run up a bar tab.
Hey.
How did it go with Nick last night? Great.
Terrific.
Really, really good.
I knew it.
He's not good looking enough for you.
What? He's plenty good You know what? He was so interesting I barely noticed what he looked like.
Yeah, well, he said he had a really good time and he'd like to see you again, if you're interested.
Interested? Let me at it-- him.
For the last four days, Byron's been driving me nuts.
He's been studying with Tracy and the sexual frustration is really getting to him.
Here.
It's a rough sketch of the L-5 voltage attenuator.
Hmm.
I was wondering You were wondering.
You're always wondering.
You and your wondering.
Stop wondering! Let me guess, you haven't slept with Tracy yet, right? No but my Zuminion is only a week and a half away and then I will finally be free to God, I am such physical pain.
Hey, Byron.
Hey, Andy.
Tracy-- what are you doing here? I had to see you.
My father's sending me away.
What? He says I'm impure.
( laughing ) Sorry.
I'm leaving for the Zumonastery tomorrow.
Tomorrow? For the three-year purification? Oh! Or the one-week rush course? No, it's a special new six-year course.
He says I'm really, really dirty.
At least I get to spend my last night of freedom with you.
Look at me-- I'm a mess.
I'm just going to run to the restroom.
I'm being tested, but I will be strong.
My faith will help me to overcome this temptation.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh, listen.
I wasn't going to say this before because I wanted to be supportive and nonjudgmental but your religion is laugh-out-loud stupid.
Nuh-uh.
First of all, it revolves around a giant sheep in the sky.
Secondly, the sheep, in addition to not existing is keeping you from sleeping with Tracy, who would treat you to the trashiest, naughtiest sex you've ever had.
How naughty do you think it would be? Byron, she needs the six-year program.
It only took three years to clean up the Exxon Valdez.
NICK: We had been digging in the hot sun for six weeks when, all of a sudden, there it was.
I had finally found the magnificent jade funeral mask of Quetzalcoatl.
Wow, you've had an amazing life.
You know, the locals still sing some of the traditional funeral songs.
Wendy tells me you have a beautiful voice.
Would you? ( Nick sings Aztec song ) ( gasps ) Have you ever gone out with somebody you weren't attracted to? Oh, pumpkin, I'm sorry.
You're beautiful.
Anyone who doesn't see that's an idiot.
Keith, I'm not the unattractive one in this scenario.
That's the spirit.
No, no, I'm not attracted to him but he's an archeologist.
He's written two books, and he's done back-up singing for Paul Simon.
And why doesn't he like you? Keith, I'm the pretty one-- he's the ugly one.
Well, if you're so much prettier than this guy, why doesn't he find you attractive? I don't know, Keith.
I don't know why he doesn't find me attractive.
I'm worried about Byron.
He didn't come in today and he's not answering his phone.
Did you hear that, Keith? Byron just came in today and he won't stop answering his phone.
Hey, Byron, your front door was open so I let myself in.
What's going on? Hey, Andy.
Thanks for the advice about sleeping with Tracy.
It was the most incredible and amount of sex I've ever had.
Well, then, what's wrong? I mean, did she rob you while you were asleep? Only of billions of potential offspring.
Oh, and my faith.
Byron, buddy, I thought we agreed.
Your religion is the goofy fruit of the ha-ha bush.
But I didn't really believe that before, but then something terrible happened.
After I sinned with Tracy I was supposed to be punished, but there was nothing.
No fiery shower of wool, no bleat of a thousand decibels, and then I realized there's no giant sheep in the sky that cares what I do.
My life is meaningless.
Oh, man, this is all my fault.
I'm the one who talked Byron into going against his faith.
Say something! So the sex was pretty incredible, huh? Byron was really depressed about losing his religion.
We talked for a long time-- then I realized, life is meaningless.
Life sure is meaningless.
Yeah.
We laid there like that for two hours.
Keith was worried about us, so he stopped by.
Hey, guys, what's shaking? We shared our insights with him.
Well, I'm done.
You're not depressed anymore? Never was depressed.
Just saw you two laying here, and figured I'd have a nap and a cuddle.
Now I want a burger.
Any takers? My fear of a meaningless cosmos was no match for those two theologians known as meat and cheese.
I'm in.
Do they sell meaning in a burger shop? No, but sometimes there's a maze on the place mat.
ANDY: Look, Byron, I'm sorry that your religion didn't pan out.
But I can show you lots of other things that can give your life meaning.
There's drinking.
There's drinking while watching TV.
There's drinking and watching TV while trashing your coworkers.
Who do you hate more? Pol Pot or Beverly from Human Resources? There's drinking, watching TV and trashing your coworkers while performing brain surgery on your annoying neighbor.
Oh, you know who I really don't like? That Jeremiah in Marketing.
Yeah, he's all ( with affected accent ): "Hello.
" Obviously, we didn't do all of these things, but by the end of the night Byron was back to his old self.
Thanks, Andy.
I feel so much better.
And I don't need religion.
I have everything I need right here.
I mean, not right here, because I'm standing in the hallway but within, say, a quarter mile.
Half a mile if I need a taco.
But I don't need a taco.
So, okay then, bye.
Taco I need a taco.
( sobbing ) Uh-oh.
The next day I realized maybe Byron really did need his religion.
Religion.
What a bunch of poppycock.
Filling people's minds with fool notions like ending slavery and not committing murder.
Come on, basically all religion does is tell people to be nice to each other.
Oh, please.
I was nice to people all my life, and where did it get me? Dead.
And I wasn't even nice to them.
Your problem is that you hate people.
So there's no room in your world for things like hope and love.
Hope? And love? What good will those things do when the Chinese come? And don't kid yourself.
They're coming! They're making millions of them every day.
The only to help Byron was to get him to re-embrace his religion.
So I needed to learn something about Zumanism.
Their holy book was long but fortunately it had lots of monster on monster sex.
NICK: You've been looking down all night.
Are you feeling shy? Yeah, yeah, I'm shy.
Listen, Nick, I have to talk to you about something.
We've gone out now, what, ten times? Four.
Right, four times.
And we've really gotten to know each other.
So I don't feel I'm being rash or shallow when I say You want to sleep with me.
Uh I understand.
I was taking it slow.
Maybe too slow.
A woman like you has certain needs.
Oh, dear.
Maybe you're not being punished because Zumya doesn't always demand 100% obedience.
Andy, I appreciate what you're trying to do but I need proof that my God exists.
Okay, well, if Zumya doesn't exist well, then where did everything come from? Zumerian scholars have debated the origin of the universe for centuries.
There's still no proof.
( phone ringing ) Hello.
Tracy, hi! How's the Zumonastery? Really? Oh, no.
Wow.
Okay, thanks.
Oh, it was wonderful hearing from you.
Tracy gave me a venereal disease.
I can pretend to be shocked if you'd like.
My mind is full of despair and my body is full of sex bugs.
Wait a minute.
That's it.
There's your proof.
What? You're being punished.
You sinned against your God and he is punishing you through the very instrument of your sin.
It's like that time the Prophet Shazzmyra lied and then her tongue was turned into a river of squirrels.
You're right.
This is my punishment.
It's not a sheep-less universe.
Zumya exists.
Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go feel the sweet burn of God.
I can't go out with Nick anymore.
I tried.
I really tried.
I closed my eyes.
I listened to him sing.
I even tried to imagine that he was a Furby because I love Furbies, but he's not a Furby.
No, he's not.
Although once, due to a huge misunderstanding he was forced to spend the night in the San Diego Zoo.
I know Nick is an interesting guy but when he tells me he's the first one on a dig to find an artifact, I'm thinking it's because he's closest to the ground and his hands are the most shovel-like, and that's not good.
Jess, really, if you don't want to keep seeing him, you shouldn't.
But I don't want to be shallow and I don't want you to think I'm shallow.
You want to know what I really think? I think that it's sweet that you care so much what I think.
And don't worry, you're not shallow.
Are you sure? Because I do find attractive men attractive.
Jessica, a shallow person wouldn't care so much whether she was or not.
Oh.
So Nick really had to spend the night in the San Diego Zoo? Yes.
The poor guy.
It was so humiliating.
After all night with nothing to eat the next morning they had the nerve, to charge him for missing snakes.
I wanted to thank you for being such a supportive friend.
This last week has been pretty hard for me and it was nice not to have to go through it alone.
Please, don't even mention it.
We're friends forever, like, um, Chofo and the Spoon Maiden from the Book of Chad.
Those two.
Right.
Always getting into trouble.
Oh, no, you didn't.
It's beautiful.
How'd you know I collect bowls? You know, I've always been a little embarrassed about my collection but each one of these has a special meaning to me.
This one here, signed by Peggy Fleming.
And this one eat all your spaghettiOs and bam-- Gerald Ford.
Actually, I didn't know you were so into bowls.
That's not why I gave you this one.
I'm not that into bowls.
Sure you are.
You have a huge collection.
And each one has a special story.
Look, why don't you just tell me why you gave me the damn bowl.
It turns out Bryon was honoring me by inviting me to participate in a Zuminion: his sacred rite of passage.
I was the bowl bearer.
Sure, there are some things that are pretty different about his faith but even though it doesn't make sense to me it is important in Byron's life and that's all that matters.
Well, at least I get a cool bowl out of it.
( bowl smashing ) ( rasping gasps ) NICK: Excuse me.
I was on an archeological dig and got separated from my group.
I haven't seen a man for four years.
Are you one? Yes, I am.
Then put down those shovels and get over here.
These aren't shovels, these are my hands.
Why are you still talking?
It was a manual for the new Pickering non-valve-based high-pressure management system.
Basically, it's a hose but don't tell the Navy.
Guys, there may be a problem with the manual.
The Navy found our high-pressure management system at a garden-supply store in hundred-foot rolls.
Well, it's almost quitting time anyway.
I'm gonna take off early and go This was the fourth day in a row that Byron was leaving early, and he always has some lame excuse.
I have to get going.
I have to go pickle something.
I have to go swim? Swim.
What was it going to be today? Shoot some hoops with the brothers.
Byron, what are hoops? Uh hoo Okay, I don't want to tell you where I'm really going because you're going to be judgmental and by "you," I mean Andy.
Come on! Okay, I promise I won't be judgmental.
Where are you going? I bet it's somewhere stupid.
I'm going to church.
That was disappointing.
I'm a member of the Church of Zumanism.
I'm a Zumanist, and I'm preparing for my sacred rite of passage.
Okay, here we go.
What's Zumanism? It's a religion that believes man and the universe are connected in harmony.
It's a way of life that promotes kindness.
Yeah, yeah, it's called Zumanism.
Get to the weird stuff.
And we're big on taking care of the environment because we believe the way you treat the earth reflects the way you treat your fellow man.
Wait for it wait for it And our god is a beautiful, radiant sheep that lives in the sky.
Wa-hoo! There it is.
( blubbering ) All right, guys, just get it out.
( laughing ) I'm sorry, man.
That sounds like a beautiful thing.
So this sheep in the sky, tell us about it.
Big? Small? Each one of its hairs is the diameter of the Houston Astrodome.
Oh, that's a big sheep.
Let's just never talk about this again.
KEITH: Listen, I'm sorry.
It's just a lot to take in.
Yeah, I mean, maybe we can come to a service sometime, or something.
You know, learn more about it.
Really? You'd do that? Well, yeah.
I mean, this is a whole side of you I don't know anything about.
Besides, who wants a five-trillion-ton sheep mad at him? * You never know just what's around the bend * * Where to go and where you've been * * Just see the world through my eyes * * I think you'd be surprised.
* Hey! Happy birthday! Your gift from me is being delivered from far away, by steam Don't worry, it's not my birthday.
Oh.
I set Sheri up with this fantastic friend of mine, Steve, and it's going really well.
Steve? Do I know Steve? How come I didn't get a crack at fantastic Steve? Because he's smart and cultured but not exactly a ten in the looks department.
and I know how important that is to you.
That's not important to me.
I'm not superficial like that.
Uh-huh.
I'm not.
Look, I'm not desperate to date or anything but if you're just handing out fantastic guys, I want one.
Well, there is this guy Nick in my singing class.
He seems like a real sweetie and he sings like an angel.
Sounds good.
I'd love to meet him.
Okay, I'll set it up.
Great! You want to know what he looks like, don't you? No.
Why? Do you want to tell me? Maybe I'll just set him up with Debbie in No, Nick is mine.
Mine, mine, mine.
Keith and I went to Byron's church.
I hadn't been to church for a while.
God and I had a falling out.
I said the Cubs should win a World Series sometime.
He said they sucked and they would always suck.
You know a lot of people think they've seen big sheep, but let me tell you about a sheep I know.
( dance music playing ) * Let's do the boogaloo * * Aah, put on your dancing shoes * * Come on, girl, let's do the boogaloo * * Aah, you're looking good * * Whoo, whoo! * Jump, shout, and work it on out * * Have mercy, baby ( doorbell rings ) * My, my * Work it! * Do it one time for Wood (music stops) ( gasps ) Hi.
What is that? It's yogurt made from the milk of their god.
It's not bad.
BYRON: Hey, Andy.
Oh, man, what are we going to tell Byron? Hey, guys, what do you think? Your religion makes the best yogurt.
Doesn't it? Hey, Byron.
I just wanted to make sure we were still on for tonight.
Yup 8:00, my place.
I'm looking forward to it.
Me, too.
That's Tracy, the minister's daughter.
She's super-nice.
Now I see why you joined this religion.
It's the same reason I campaigned for Dukakis.
Andy, you are so cynical.
I believe in Zumanism.
Tracy is just coming over to help me study for my Zuminion.
That's the rite of passage where I will officially become a man.
Maybe you can become a man with Tracy or at least become a very sweaty boy.
I'm so into her, but unfortunately it is against my religion to have sex for three months before my Zuminion.
Well, can't you get credit for the other 29 sexless years of your life? Ha, ha, ha.
No, I asked.
"for Zumya declared there shall be no more suffering.
"No more starvation.
"I shall set aside this fertile valley with "this fertile valley with "this fertile valley with succulent ( voice cracking ): peaches and melons for all to enjoy.
" Andy, I've got a problem.
Wendy set me up with someone who's nice and smart and interesting but well, visually disturbing.
So don't see him again.
But I don't want to be shallow.
I should be able to appreciate someone for their inner beauty.
Well, then get ready to run up a bar tab.
Hey.
How did it go with Nick last night? Great.
Terrific.
Really, really good.
I knew it.
He's not good looking enough for you.
What? He's plenty good You know what? He was so interesting I barely noticed what he looked like.
Yeah, well, he said he had a really good time and he'd like to see you again, if you're interested.
Interested? Let me at it-- him.
For the last four days, Byron's been driving me nuts.
He's been studying with Tracy and the sexual frustration is really getting to him.
Here.
It's a rough sketch of the L-5 voltage attenuator.
Hmm.
I was wondering You were wondering.
You're always wondering.
You and your wondering.
Stop wondering! Let me guess, you haven't slept with Tracy yet, right? No but my Zuminion is only a week and a half away and then I will finally be free to God, I am such physical pain.
Hey, Byron.
Hey, Andy.
Tracy-- what are you doing here? I had to see you.
My father's sending me away.
What? He says I'm impure.
( laughing ) Sorry.
I'm leaving for the Zumonastery tomorrow.
Tomorrow? For the three-year purification? Oh! Or the one-week rush course? No, it's a special new six-year course.
He says I'm really, really dirty.
At least I get to spend my last night of freedom with you.
Look at me-- I'm a mess.
I'm just going to run to the restroom.
I'm being tested, but I will be strong.
My faith will help me to overcome this temptation.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh, listen.
I wasn't going to say this before because I wanted to be supportive and nonjudgmental but your religion is laugh-out-loud stupid.
Nuh-uh.
First of all, it revolves around a giant sheep in the sky.
Secondly, the sheep, in addition to not existing is keeping you from sleeping with Tracy, who would treat you to the trashiest, naughtiest sex you've ever had.
How naughty do you think it would be? Byron, she needs the six-year program.
It only took three years to clean up the Exxon Valdez.
NICK: We had been digging in the hot sun for six weeks when, all of a sudden, there it was.
I had finally found the magnificent jade funeral mask of Quetzalcoatl.
Wow, you've had an amazing life.
You know, the locals still sing some of the traditional funeral songs.
Wendy tells me you have a beautiful voice.
Would you? ( Nick sings Aztec song ) ( gasps ) Have you ever gone out with somebody you weren't attracted to? Oh, pumpkin, I'm sorry.
You're beautiful.
Anyone who doesn't see that's an idiot.
Keith, I'm not the unattractive one in this scenario.
That's the spirit.
No, no, I'm not attracted to him but he's an archeologist.
He's written two books, and he's done back-up singing for Paul Simon.
And why doesn't he like you? Keith, I'm the pretty one-- he's the ugly one.
Well, if you're so much prettier than this guy, why doesn't he find you attractive? I don't know, Keith.
I don't know why he doesn't find me attractive.
I'm worried about Byron.
He didn't come in today and he's not answering his phone.
Did you hear that, Keith? Byron just came in today and he won't stop answering his phone.
Hey, Byron, your front door was open so I let myself in.
What's going on? Hey, Andy.
Thanks for the advice about sleeping with Tracy.
It was the most incredible and amount of sex I've ever had.
Well, then, what's wrong? I mean, did she rob you while you were asleep? Only of billions of potential offspring.
Oh, and my faith.
Byron, buddy, I thought we agreed.
Your religion is the goofy fruit of the ha-ha bush.
But I didn't really believe that before, but then something terrible happened.
After I sinned with Tracy I was supposed to be punished, but there was nothing.
No fiery shower of wool, no bleat of a thousand decibels, and then I realized there's no giant sheep in the sky that cares what I do.
My life is meaningless.
Oh, man, this is all my fault.
I'm the one who talked Byron into going against his faith.
Say something! So the sex was pretty incredible, huh? Byron was really depressed about losing his religion.
We talked for a long time-- then I realized, life is meaningless.
Life sure is meaningless.
Yeah.
We laid there like that for two hours.
Keith was worried about us, so he stopped by.
Hey, guys, what's shaking? We shared our insights with him.
Well, I'm done.
You're not depressed anymore? Never was depressed.
Just saw you two laying here, and figured I'd have a nap and a cuddle.
Now I want a burger.
Any takers? My fear of a meaningless cosmos was no match for those two theologians known as meat and cheese.
I'm in.
Do they sell meaning in a burger shop? No, but sometimes there's a maze on the place mat.
ANDY: Look, Byron, I'm sorry that your religion didn't pan out.
But I can show you lots of other things that can give your life meaning.
There's drinking.
There's drinking while watching TV.
There's drinking and watching TV while trashing your coworkers.
Who do you hate more? Pol Pot or Beverly from Human Resources? There's drinking, watching TV and trashing your coworkers while performing brain surgery on your annoying neighbor.
Oh, you know who I really don't like? That Jeremiah in Marketing.
Yeah, he's all ( with affected accent ): "Hello.
" Obviously, we didn't do all of these things, but by the end of the night Byron was back to his old self.
Thanks, Andy.
I feel so much better.
And I don't need religion.
I have everything I need right here.
I mean, not right here, because I'm standing in the hallway but within, say, a quarter mile.
Half a mile if I need a taco.
But I don't need a taco.
So, okay then, bye.
Taco I need a taco.
( sobbing ) Uh-oh.
The next day I realized maybe Byron really did need his religion.
Religion.
What a bunch of poppycock.
Filling people's minds with fool notions like ending slavery and not committing murder.
Come on, basically all religion does is tell people to be nice to each other.
Oh, please.
I was nice to people all my life, and where did it get me? Dead.
And I wasn't even nice to them.
Your problem is that you hate people.
So there's no room in your world for things like hope and love.
Hope? And love? What good will those things do when the Chinese come? And don't kid yourself.
They're coming! They're making millions of them every day.
The only to help Byron was to get him to re-embrace his religion.
So I needed to learn something about Zumanism.
Their holy book was long but fortunately it had lots of monster on monster sex.
NICK: You've been looking down all night.
Are you feeling shy? Yeah, yeah, I'm shy.
Listen, Nick, I have to talk to you about something.
We've gone out now, what, ten times? Four.
Right, four times.
And we've really gotten to know each other.
So I don't feel I'm being rash or shallow when I say You want to sleep with me.
Uh I understand.
I was taking it slow.
Maybe too slow.
A woman like you has certain needs.
Oh, dear.
Maybe you're not being punished because Zumya doesn't always demand 100% obedience.
Andy, I appreciate what you're trying to do but I need proof that my God exists.
Okay, well, if Zumya doesn't exist well, then where did everything come from? Zumerian scholars have debated the origin of the universe for centuries.
There's still no proof.
( phone ringing ) Hello.
Tracy, hi! How's the Zumonastery? Really? Oh, no.
Wow.
Okay, thanks.
Oh, it was wonderful hearing from you.
Tracy gave me a venereal disease.
I can pretend to be shocked if you'd like.
My mind is full of despair and my body is full of sex bugs.
Wait a minute.
That's it.
There's your proof.
What? You're being punished.
You sinned against your God and he is punishing you through the very instrument of your sin.
It's like that time the Prophet Shazzmyra lied and then her tongue was turned into a river of squirrels.
You're right.
This is my punishment.
It's not a sheep-less universe.
Zumya exists.
Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go feel the sweet burn of God.
I can't go out with Nick anymore.
I tried.
I really tried.
I closed my eyes.
I listened to him sing.
I even tried to imagine that he was a Furby because I love Furbies, but he's not a Furby.
No, he's not.
Although once, due to a huge misunderstanding he was forced to spend the night in the San Diego Zoo.
I know Nick is an interesting guy but when he tells me he's the first one on a dig to find an artifact, I'm thinking it's because he's closest to the ground and his hands are the most shovel-like, and that's not good.
Jess, really, if you don't want to keep seeing him, you shouldn't.
But I don't want to be shallow and I don't want you to think I'm shallow.
You want to know what I really think? I think that it's sweet that you care so much what I think.
And don't worry, you're not shallow.
Are you sure? Because I do find attractive men attractive.
Jessica, a shallow person wouldn't care so much whether she was or not.
Oh.
So Nick really had to spend the night in the San Diego Zoo? Yes.
The poor guy.
It was so humiliating.
After all night with nothing to eat the next morning they had the nerve, to charge him for missing snakes.
I wanted to thank you for being such a supportive friend.
This last week has been pretty hard for me and it was nice not to have to go through it alone.
Please, don't even mention it.
We're friends forever, like, um, Chofo and the Spoon Maiden from the Book of Chad.
Those two.
Right.
Always getting into trouble.
Oh, no, you didn't.
It's beautiful.
How'd you know I collect bowls? You know, I've always been a little embarrassed about my collection but each one of these has a special meaning to me.
This one here, signed by Peggy Fleming.
And this one eat all your spaghettiOs and bam-- Gerald Ford.
Actually, I didn't know you were so into bowls.
That's not why I gave you this one.
I'm not that into bowls.
Sure you are.
You have a huge collection.
And each one has a special story.
Look, why don't you just tell me why you gave me the damn bowl.
It turns out Bryon was honoring me by inviting me to participate in a Zuminion: his sacred rite of passage.
I was the bowl bearer.
Sure, there are some things that are pretty different about his faith but even though it doesn't make sense to me it is important in Byron's life and that's all that matters.
Well, at least I get a cool bowl out of it.
( bowl smashing ) ( rasping gasps ) NICK: Excuse me.
I was on an archeological dig and got separated from my group.
I haven't seen a man for four years.
Are you one? Yes, I am.
Then put down those shovels and get over here.
These aren't shovels, these are my hands.
Why are you still talking?